Dad brought that one on himself!
When Mom an' Dad got back from Gramps's place, Dad was all, "We bought burial plots 2day, April. They're in a nice location." I'd been lying on my bed, chillin' w/Butterscotch, an' reading a mag. When Dad sed what he did, I was like, "::tsk:: DA-AD!" And Dad went on, "Yep! Now all we need is a good epitaph.... Like, "Life's a joke and then U croak." I slapped my handz over my earz, all, "AAAGH!" And I asked, "How can U make fun of something so...final?!!" Dad sed, "It's much easier 2 talk abt serious thingz if U can laff a little. B-sidez, we're pretty sure we'll B around 4 a long, long time." I went, "I hope so. ...I still haven't decided how 2 spend my inheritance." Dad had 1 of his D'oh faces again when I sed that, LOL! That's what he gets 4 tellin' me it's a gd idea 2 make jokes abt serious thingz 2 make 'em EZ-er 2 talk abt. Of course, the way Mom an' Dad R goin' w/their spending on stuff like CrevASSes an' gravesites, by the time I hafta decide what 2 spend the inheritance on, it'll B like, "What 5 thingz do I wanna buy @ the dollar store?"
Eva, it's not cube that U scared that person who may or may not have been Dunc. Dunc, R U OK? This question has nothing 2 do w/the previous sentence, big fugitive-guy!
Apes
Eva, it's not cube that U scared that person who may or may not have been Dunc. Dunc, R U OK? This question has nothing 2 do w/the previous sentence, big fugitive-guy!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:13 AM
32 Comments:
At 8:40 AM,
Anonymous said…
I really don't know what comes over me sometimes!
Eva
At 10:20 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your noos(father) talking to you about his burial plans. His way of talking to you about death is very different from the way I was taught. The fundamental essence of Ojibway life is unity--the oneness of all things. In our view, the people cannot be separated from the land with its cycle of seasons or from the other mysterious cycles of living things - of birth and growth and death and new birth. The Ojibway people know where they come from. It is told to us in legends and dances, in dreams and in symbols. It is in the songs a Nokomis (grandmother) sings to her nooshenh (grandchildren). It is in the legends and stories my mishomis (grandfather) taught me as I grew up. It is in the web of family names, stories, and memories that every Ojibway child learns as he or she grows older.
I hope your noos (father) will not take offence, but I prefer this method to his telling jokes about death. If your sister and I were to marry and have children, I would want my noos (father) and ngashi (mother) to share stories and legends and songs and dances and family memories with our children. Your sister, I think, disagrees. When we have spoken about these things, she tells me that most life lessons can be taught with a good pun. She said, “Instead of pounding lessons into a child with songs and stories, it should be punning lessons into a child. Not pedagogy, but punagogy.” I think this philosophy explains why Jesse Mukwa said so many of my sweet girl’s lessons ended with him making a joke, and why he was her favourite student. I am starting to feel like Jesse Mukwa these days. I only have a little time with my sweet girl, before she moves from Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) and it gets even more difficult to see her.
I have still not heard any definite news about your runaway friend, but I understand the Milborough police have an idea of a place that he goes, where they think he might be found and returned to his parents. I will let you know if I hear anything more definite.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 10:38 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I am glad you have raised the issue of inheritance. This may sound a little odd, and it certainly does to me too, but as near as I can tell, Mom and Dad’s will states that all of their monetary assets are written to go to my daughter’s university education. Back in February, Mom sent us a strange note that said, “Being with my granddaughter has made me think. I want her to grow up to be all she can be. I want her to finish her education. I never finished my English degree. I got married and had kids. I don’t know what I would have done if I had my degree. I probably would have opened a bookstore. I want my granddaughter to have all advantages I didn’t have, so she doesn’t have to open a bookstore. When I die, she can expect a little something, on the condition that she doesn’t get married and have kids.”
These were horrible words to read. I had hoped that mom would leave my children untouched when it came to money or inheritance. I still remember when I had to borrow $1000 from mom before I got my chief editor job with Portrait Magazine and led that publication to its current greatness. I remember that checque paying her back. I remember the way she danced around with it, after she got. I remember it, every time she brings it out to show me. When Mom was over at our place, wherever that is, and helped us with my son’s earaches, Mom did occasionally play with my daughter and said, “Someday, granddaughter. You’re going to owe me, just like your daddy did and still does.” At least my son will be safe from whatever machinations Mom has for her money.
Take this advice from your older and wiser brother: Borrow money from anyone but Mom. Also, you can be assured that whatever inheritance that you get, you will pay dearly for it.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 10:44 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I am not going to get an inheritance when my parents die. The money is going to be put in trust to be administered by my brother, Blair, to pay for whatever expenses I have that are not covered by the government aid. My parents sometimes say, “It will be in trust, because you can ‘trust’ us to take care of you, Shannon.” That’s kind of like a joke. I like it because it makes me feel safe.
Did your Dad really say, “Life’s a joke and then you croak”? I don’t think that is funny. Since I am special needs, I may not get the funny part. Is there some joke about frogs in there I don’t understand?
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 11:09 AM,
howard said…
April,
My parents have been talking inheritance with me lately. It is on the condition that Becky and I get married, which they doubt will happen. I think they see marriage as a proof that I am worthy of inheriting. Of course, they mean marriage with a woman. When I mentioned this to Becky, she was quite curious about how much money it would be. I honestly don’t know. Mom and Dad live pretty well, so it would be something, but they are in such good health, it would be years before anything happened. I expect, Becky and I will have had our two planned children and all our oops children out of the house and married themselves, before it happens.
I was actually pretty happy to read a story where you were spending time with your rabbit that did not involve taunting dogs or eating electrical cords. After your rabbit’s experience with electrified rodents, I am glad to see the 12-step program on de-electrifying your bunny is finally working. Good work, April! Reading magazines to your rabbit while lying on your bed was step #9, I think. I forget what the other steps were. It’s a good thing your aunt is a veterinarian and had all that good information on de-electrifying rodents.
I thought your story about your dad saying, “It’s much easier to talk about serious things if you can laugh a little” was hysterical. After all, when does your dad ever talk about something where he doesn’t make some awful pun? I’ll bet he even made jokes when he buried your dead pets. (This is just a figure of speech Constable Wright, if you are reading this. I am not actually making a bet with April for money.)
Just to let you know, Marjee Mahaha is a little miffed at you. Something about how you think that she is still with Maynard Mahoney and how you have been restyling your ponytail so it hangs lower on your head below your shoulders and she wasn’t consulted. Hair stylists are very sensitive about those kinds of things. You may want to stop in the salon and chat with Marjee. I haven’t given you a shamp-Oh in awhile, so there may be some tensions you need to release. Because honestly, after seeing Gerald running around with Viking chain mail on recently, I expect there is probably some tension that needs to be released, eh?
Howard K.
At 11:13 AM,
April Patterson said…
paul, do yr dad an' his relliez ever share irish storiez an' traditions?
mike, i guess it's a good thing i don't really xpect 2 inherit much (or nething really) fr. mom an' dad.
shannon, u r rite, dad's joke was not funny. "croak" is a crude way of saying "die".
apes
At 11:19 AM,
April Patterson said…
howard, i m on my way 2 the salon 2 talk 2 marjee. i think my ponytail just kinda fell on its own. i'll seek her advice on it. i'm not sure how she got the impression that i thot she was still w/maynard, since i nev talk abt him, but i guess i'll find out when i talk w/her.
apes
At 11:21 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, u will not b-lieve where i am. eva & i r @barbados on the water @harbourfront centre n TO. it duzn’t start till noon, but there iz no admission charge. thass prolly cuz everythin’ else costs money. as u mite guess, we r here lookin’ 4 duncan anderson. y am i doin’ this? am i n lurv w/eva, or duz she have some power ovah me w/her smirks? i dunno. but the schedule on this brochure sez thingz go all the way till 2 am. i think it iz gonna b a long day. eva sed, “w/hiz pretty purple lips, duncan iz prolly @the flower exhibit.” i sed, “more likely he iz @the barbados fish fry @the brigantine tent & then he iz gonna hear the plantation band on the toronto star stage.” eva disagrees. she sez, “a cowboy shud alwayz stop & smell the flowerz. cowboyz don’t eat fish on the lone prairie.” it’s gonna b a long day.
At 11:30 AM,
April Patterson said…
oh, hey, jeremy, i'll b c-ing u there in a lil while. after i finish @ the salon, my mom, dad, and i r going 2 that barbados thingy in to, and so r ger, his 'rents, an' his brother. c u soon!
apes
At 11:38 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings responding to my writings. My noos(father) does speak about Irish traditions and folklore, but it is something he can rarely practice, living in White River, where the local celebrations are almost all Ojibway. He has a great time on St. Patrick’s Day, which is celebrated even in White River and Otter County. Before he met my ngashi (mother), when he lived further in the South, he said there was a non-Irish tradition of getting together and sleeping with school chums on St. Patrick’s Day, but he didn’t swing that way, if you know what I mean. He prefers the way the holiday is celebrated in the Northwest, where we wear green and drink a lot (responsibly of course. I have to police the irresponsible ones.)
When my noos(father) came to the Northwest for work in the lumber industry (he was a lumber technology instructor), he completely embraced the Northwest. He felt it was like someone had been watching over him and guiding him here to meet my ngashi (mother). He also felt it was his purpose in life to make sure that the people here were given instruction equal to what people in the lumber industry in other areas received. He knew at once he was at home, and his ties with the South were forever broken aside from an occasional visit to relatives. His motto is “Toronto. A nice place to visit.” My parents are not happy with the idea that I have applied for a transfer to Toronto. Even though they have not met my sweet girl, they think that just because she refused to meet with them when she was in White River and jumped on a helicopter to ride with her ex-boyfriend last December, that she is not the most wonderful girl on earth. I know when they finally meet her, they will change their minds.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 11:39 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, ur bringin' gerald & his fam? this is gonna b a rilly long day.
At 11:45 AM,
April Patterson said…
april, i'm not bringing ger an' his fam, they're bringing themselves. my mom an' ger'z mom both got 2 know duncan's aunt perdita thru that writing class they were all taking, and she gave 'em vip passes 2 the barbadian fest.
paul, it's nice that yr dad embraced life up in the nw.
apes
At 11:47 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, it's ok. i don't blame u. eva iz bizzy lookin' 'round all the flowerz. so far, no duncan. 4 a girl who iz all 'bout cowboyz, she seemz rilly girly rite now.
At 11:53 AM,
howard said…
April,
I am glad you made peace with Marjee. And there was definitely some tension that needed to be released with your shamp-Oh. That was certainly an odd combination of graveyard humour and cursing of parents. Usually, shamp-Oh language is a little more sensual. As usual, I will keep the details secret, barring what people in the shop and down the street overheard. Don’t worry about cracking the window with the sound of your yelling during the shamp-Oh. Around Milborough, so many of the women are tense, we crack windows on a regular basis.
Howard K.
At 12:20 PM,
Anonymous said…
Speaking of tense, I have to apologize for having over-reacted a little about April's ponytail and the Maynard stuff. Nardo has been trying to weasel his way into my life, and he claimed you were saying things about us being together. It turns out that was just a ploy. He'll try anything!
Marjee
At 12:21 PM,
Anonymous said…
I can't help it, I'm feeling girly today! I hope Jeremy buys me some flowers. :hint, hint::
Eva
At 12:57 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Im posting fr Zeds cell. Im @ the cop shop. Luggie picked me up @ the GO Station he says he followed me fr Horny Ts. Sux 2 b me.
Luggie says I have a choice. I can go home w/ my 'rents or I can go w/ a social worker 2 a foster home. Im thinking.
L8r.
At 1:04 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, dunc, if u r not careful, u mite end up w/becky's dad. he'z in2 the whole fostering thing l8ly!
apes
At 1:44 PM,
duncan anderson said…
So this is what happened.
I called my 'rents & "Dean" answered the fone. I told him I wanted 2 speak 2 my mom.
I told my mom I had 2 questions 2 ask her & Id come home if she promised 2 tell me the truth. She agreed.
I asked her if aunty Perdita pushed me in2 the goat pen. She was quiet 4 a min, then she said yes.
I asked her if I came home if we cld still go 2 c The Mitey Gabby 2nite no way Im missing him. She said yes. I goofed cos that wasnt supposed 2 b my 2nd question but I kept going.
I asked her if Zed cld come w/ us 2 c The Mitey Gabby & she said yes.
Then I asked her my real 2nd question. She was quiet 4 a long time. Then she gave me the answer. She was crying & I had a real hard time not crying 2 but no way Luggies going 2 c me cry.
A deals a deal so Im home now. Im trying 2 study 4 my exam on Mon but I feel so weird its hard 2 concentr8.
L8r.
At 2:36 PM,
April Patterson said…
dunc, is the real 2nd question a secret question? i understand if it is, but i m v. v. curious.
apes
At 2:54 PM,
April Patterson said…
also, dunc, i'm so glad u r back home! it's so uncube that yr auntie pushed u in2 the goat pen, an' it's s00per-uncube that she liez abt it now!
if u wanna have a studying sesh 2morrow, lemme know. ger sez he needs sum help reviewing 4 xamz, 2, so mayB a bunch of us cd come over 2 my house 2morrow an' quiz ea other.
c u 2nite!
apes
At 3:11 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i am carryin’ ‘round this giant “floral creation” done by these 2 ladies, carol-anne brancker & jennifer weetch az a part of their floral exhibit. it wuzn’t cheap. i didn’t know there wuz evn a barbados horticultural society's gold medal team n TO. rite now eva & i r listenin’ 2 sum jazz. the group iz called NEWA with tamara marshall. NEWA stands 4 the 1st initial of the 1st name of the instrumentalists. tamara marshall iz the vocalist. it’s modern jazz. not v. caribbean, but it’s mainly nice cuz i can put down theze flowerz & sit nexta eva.
we had a hard tyme @the beginning. there r a lotta peeps here who look like duncan frum the back. but guess wut? not 1 of them haz duncan’z purple lips. eva sed, “poor duncan. he’ z like an outlaw cowboy among hiz own countrymen.” i sed, “i don’t think purple lips makes u an outlaw cowboy. just mebbe a cowboy w/poor blood circulation n ur lips.” but l8er on, eva got tired of circling ‘round every person who looked like duncan frum the back 2c wut he looked like frum the front. a few minutes ago, i sed, “do uc duncan n the concert crowd?” eva sed, “duncan. no. i’m tired of lookin’ 4 him. aftah this, i think i wanna go 2 the food demo w/peter edey. mebbe i cud learn sum cookin’ tips. i can make sum1 a speshul dinner sumtyme.” i sed, “duncan again, i guess.” eva sed, “no. 4u jeremy. i didn’t know thoze flowerz wud b so xxpensive. i think i needta make it up 2u sumhow.” the day iz goin’ a lot bettah.
At 3:22 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
Good news. I got off the phone with Officer Brad Luggsworth of the Milborough Police Department and he informed me that he found your runaway friend and returned him to his parents. Officer Luggsworth said he told the young man he had a choice: He could go home, or go to a foster home. Your friend did not actually have a choice. Without a reasonable complaint of abuse or violence in the home more than what your friend had claimed, which was “Goat baby peed on me” and “My aunt Perdita pushed me in a goat pen”; he was going to be delivered to his parents. Office Luggsworth sometimes gives kids “the choice” so they can realize they have it much better in their own homes than to have to live with someone else. He said it is a very effective technique for runaways. My Ontario Provincial Police training would not agree with that technique, but I understand that things are different in the South. However, it sounded like your friend is home with his parents and he is unharmed. I promised I would let you know the moment I found out.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 3:40 PM,
April Patterson said…
hey, jeremy, i wondered what the dealio was w/the ginormous flower arrangement i saw u carrying!
paul, thanx 4 writing in. i m glad dunc is home safe!
apes
At 8:14 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, eva sed u were there. i tried 2 get ovah az fast az a cud, but it’s hard 2 navig8 wen ur carryin’ a lotta flowerz u know. by the tyme i caught up w/eva, she sed, “jeremy, ur slower than a cowboy drinkin’ a jug of molasses.” i sed, “sorry. the flowerz.” so eva told me everythin’ ‘bout how gerald wuz wearin’ viking chain mail az a part of hiz trainin’ & how even tho he wuz wearin’ it, hiz bro kept on punchin’ him n stomach. i guess old habits die hard. she sed ur mom & gerald’z mom were barely speakin’. sumthin’ ‘bout how ur mom had a whole bucket of bajan fried fish & she 8 the whole thing n fronta gerald, which wuz a bad xxample 4 him. i think it wuz cuz ur mom’z face wuz still covered n little bits of fried fish, which she spit wenevah she sed sumthin’. she also told me ur hair looked rilly good, & she sed, “it wuz weird. wen april’z hair looks gud, it’s like wen i smirk, xxcept they look @her hair & not her boobz.” she sed ur dad wuz making jokez az usual. i think it wuz, “wen sumbody diez n barbados, it shud b called a bur-ial-bados.” she sed gerald’s dad asked her how her therapy wuz goin’ & she sed it wuz goin’ gr8, cuz she haz mbraced her inner cowboy & haz realized the masculine part of her psychosexual self. she sed gerald’z dad seemed 2 like that answer. i sed, “inner cowboy?” she sed, “don’t ask.” so i didn’t. rite now we r n the brigantine room watchin’ the pampalam theatre thing. it’s not my taste, but @least i get 2 put down the flowerz. it’s ovah soon, but eva sez we may hold our spots 4 wen the big music starts n the same room @11 pm. i asked eva if she wunted 2 hold a spot 4 u2, & no offence, but eva duzn’t wanna spend 3 hourz of a concert nexta ur ‘rents, & gerald'z 'rents 2.
At 8:30 PM,
April Patterson said…
hey, jeremy, mayB u guyz cd, like, only b able 2 save 2 seats. so, like, ger an' i cd sit w/u 2 an' our 'rents wd hafta sit elsewhere? if u cd do that, it'd b v. cube.
i did notice peeps were starin' @ my hair. i'm glad it's cuz it loox good an' not sumthin' bad, like my mom spittin' fish crumbs in2 it w/out me noticing (i kept checking the mirrorz just 2 make sure it wasn't sumthin' like that!). ger is in a gd mood cuz his bro actually hurt his own hand trying 2 punch ger in the stomach w/that viking armor protecting!
apes
At 8:48 PM,
howard said…
April,
Very brave of you to attend a festival like Barbados on the Water with Gerald’s whole family and your mom and dad too. If not anything else, you should have some amusing stories to tell, better than the last 2 weeks of funeral drudgery that has been thrust upon you by those unknown sources that influence your Blog writing.
Right now, I am chaperoning. Becky’s mother finally noticed all the hickeys on Becky’s neck, which I would guess number about 31. Now she doesn’t trust Luis. Apparently, Becky’s mom had some dealings with a disreputable Spaniard sometime in her past. So, while Luis is here, I have to walk into the room where they are every 15 minutes, to make sure Becky has no new hickeys (where she would put one, I don’t care to know) and to make sure Luis has not put any of the good silver in his pants and wave a frying pan about like it is a lethal weapon. I guess technically a frying pan is a lethal weapon, but I prefer to use it for frying. It’s Becky’s night to perform at the Valhalla, so she should be there presently.
In the meantime, Marjee Mahaha said she wanted to go out dancing. She said she overreacted to your ponytail and things going on with her and Maynard. I suspect it will be more an evening of listening than an evening of dancing, although dancing cheek to cheek is an excellent way to have a conversation, assuming the music is reasonably soft. At work, Marjee has been complaining about how she has never been without a steady boyfriend for this long. I think some of her physical urges are softening her position with respect to Maynard, but this is just speculation. I will find out more about it tonight.
Howard K.
At 9:01 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, ok. we’re savin’ 2 seats 4u. they r front row n the middle. i’m gettin’ sum food 4 eva, & she iz holdin’ them while i am gone. the big concert duzn’t start till 11, so there’z no hurry on gettin’ here early, unless u just wanna talk 2 eva or sumthin’. i think she wud prolly wanna a girl 2 talk 2, cuz i am not that gud @talkin’ & i think there iz a whole lotta stuff she wunts 2 talk abt.
At 9:14 PM,
Anonymous said…
Howard is right, I'm having a hard time with singledom. And Nardo has a way of weakening my resolve. I need Howard to talk me down!
Marjee
At 9:19 PM,
Anonymous said…
April, it's true. I could use some girl talk. I'm feeling, well, confused about some things. Like if there were these two cowboys, maybe Shane and the Lone Ranger, and. . . . Wait a minute, what am I even talking about? Never mind, maybe you can help me fig this stuff out, man!
Eva
At 9:21 PM,
April Patterson said…
eva, i'm finishing a l8 dinner w/my fam, an' then i'll b over soon. ger'z gonna meet us a bit closer 2 11, tho, cuz his mother insisted on their going 2 this whole other restaurant with, like, almost no caloriez in their food!
apes
At 3:38 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i may sound like a patterson, but i am ‘bout 2 collapso frum calypso. i dunno wut u sed 2 eva while i tuk my little break 2 let u 2 do girl talk (or az eva called it “cowgirl talk”), but it wuz gr8. ‘course, i think the fact that duncan showed up w/zandra helped a lot. also, the way zandra & duncan were “expressin’ their feelingz” kinda gave me the mpression that u didn’t pink swear w/mcdunc like u did w/rebeccah. or it coulda been the xxpresson on duncan’z face wen sum1 made a big ugly scene w/him durin’ the concert & he turned 2 zandra 4 help & not eva. it coulda been ne of thoze thingz. all i rilly know 4 sure iz, aftahwardz i gotta lotta attention frum eva, & it wuz rilly nice. i like her a lot.
anothah thing i hafta admit u were rilly smart ‘bout wuz 2 send me out 4 bajan fried fish, while u2 were doin’ girl talk. wen gerald finally got there, he went thru that fried fish like he hadn’t eaten n awhile. then he swallowed wut musta been a whole roll of breath mints 2 disguise the smell frum his mom. wen he showed us the blood stainz on his viking armour, i thot he had real viking stuff frum sum battle. then he sed it wuz just frum when his bro had punched him n the stomach all day long. hiz bro must b majourly whacked 2 keep punching gerald like that, wen gerald’s armour iz bloodyin’ his hand. it’s moments like that, wen i am glad 2b an only child.
i hadda rilly good tyme. the mighty gabby, red plastic bag & adrian clarke backed by the plantation band were top-notch. but the best part wuz durin’ the 1st break n the musick wen ur mom & gerald’z mom both came down 2 where we were sittin’ & told us they wanted 2 leave. then ur mom sed, “well i suppose we can stay l8er if melanie duzn’t have the strength 2 stay up l8.” then gerald’s mom sed, “forsythes have the fortitude and forbearance that comez frum a proper diet. we will b stayin’ az l8 az the pattersonz, w/their unhealthy eatin’ habits.” then aftah the concert, we practically had 2 talk them n2 leavin’ so they wudn’t spend the nite there. so funny ur mom & gerald’z mom. if u evah marry gerald, ur marriage ceremony iz gonna b a nitemare.
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