April's Real Blog

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Guest Blogger: Lawrence Poirier

Hello, April's readers! This is Lawrence Poirier. I grew up with Mike Patterson, April's big brother, and now I run Lakeshore Landscaping with my life partner Nick Browne. April asked me to do a guest entry for her blog this morning because she doesn't wish to write anything about her parents' recent visit to the cemetery, where they received a sales pitch from a smarmy, Gordo-with-a-goatee looking rep who spouted out the tired old "location, location, location" axiom you always get with real estate. April, I guess that's what your dad gets for having told you that he and your mom were discussing "real estate", eh?

Anyway, business is really booming at Lakeshore Landscaping. My mother, Connie Poirier, couldn't be more proud. Mom lives next door to April's house, as many of you know, and she's also Elly Patterson's oldest friend. They go way back, to their university days. Though Mom actually finished her degree! Mom rocks.

Elly Patterson nearly broke her arm patting herself on the back during my whole coming out back in 1993. But now she barely remembers my existence, except when Liz is using me working at my business during the summer. Speaking of which, she never actually came out and told me she wasn't working with me this summer. I had to find out from Elly telling my mother and my mother saying, "Well, Lawrence, I guess you and Nick are going to have to make some other plans to round out your summer-staffing needs, since Liz Patterson is teaching in Mississauga this summer." Gee, thanks, Liz.

Aw, Geez, April, as I was writing this, the Blogger message of death appeared at the bottom. "Could not connect to Blogger. Saving and publishing may fail. Test connection now." It figures this would happen when I'm guesting. I hope it resolves itself soon!

Best,

Lawrence Poirier, subbing for April today

posted by April Patterson @ 7:00 AM  

14 Comments:

  • At 11:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Lawrence,

    Not everyone has forgotten you Lawrence. Remember just last year I got you and Nick to come out to wherever it is that I live near Toronto to help me move from the ground floor to the second floor of my apartment house. You notice I didn’t ask Gordon Mayes or Anthony Caine mainly because it probably would have caused them to die an early death and left their children fatherless and alone in the world. They have really let themselves go since high school. So, not only do I remember you, but I faithfully chronicle your lives in my monthly family letters, with careful notes on how Mom and Dad helped you start your business, of course. You can’t forget where your bread is buttered, after all.

    Sorry, Lizardbreath didn’t tell you she wasn’t going to be working for you, herself. She is probably the worst communicator of all us Pattersons, which is somewhat ironic, since as a school teacher, she should be the best. I guess you have to work on the parts of your life where you are the weakest. I don’t do that, since I write, and my writing ability is my strong point. Maybe Liz will stop by your place and buy a plant or something to make it up to you.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 11:25 AM, Blogger howard said…

    Lawrence,

    I would offer to do summer work for you to make up for your loss of Liz Patterson. But, I know she was there mainly as your token straight female worker. Although I remember when I was working there, we were convinced she was going to turn into one of those never-married cat ladies.

    You could possibly ask her younger sister, April, if she is interested in working. She’s too young and inexperienced to handle the heavy equipment, but a lack of heavy equipment licences never stopped you from letting Liz work on them. I remember trying to get her to let me handle the heavy equipment, so there wouldn’t be any legal problems. She was very stand-offish, like I had insulted her.

    I had good times working for you though. I got to work with my boyfriend, Ross during the day and during the evening I got to perform with the Milborough Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender Light Opera. Those were good times. I hope things are going well with you. I don’t see you at the Valhalla as often as I used to. But that is probably because the shows are so much more oriented to the older clientele, who don’t have anything better to do than to go to a supper club every night of the week.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 3:42 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    You won’t believe what Sugar dragged Marjee and me out to do with her. Yes. Cemetery plot shopping. I couldn’t believe it either. She said, “It’s very trendy today. Everyone is doing it.” I said to Marjee, “I can’t believe that just because Elly Patterson decided to do this, it started a trend.”

    Sugar said, “Never underestimate the influence of Elly Patterson, Howard. When she took in Lawrence Poirier, after his step-father threw him out of the house for coming out of the closet in 1993, then all across Milborough, there were housewives asking their son’s friends if they were gay and if they were, they could live with them for awhile and be treated like a king. Milborough never had so many gay boys after that. It got out of hand when one boy stayed with over 10 families in the Milborough area before his parents caught up with him and took out a full-page newspaper announcing their son was heterosexual.” Marjee said, “That’s seems a little ridiculous.” Sugar said, “Trends rarely are sensible. But you don’t want to be the person who isn’t considered to be trendy. Not in Milborough.”

    I said, “Elly Patterson sold her store recently. Are you going to be selling your store to follow that trend?” Sugar said, “No, Howard. Elly sold her store, but by doing this she made a nice Irish lady into a business owner. I am already an ethnic business owner, so there is no need.”

    Sugar continued, “The most recent trend of Elly Patterson’s I followed was hiring Marjee.” Marjee said, “What? I am very qualified for my job. What are you talking about?” Sugar said, “Elly Patterson hired Beatrice Alfarero, originally from Argentina, but moved to Canada when her husband a US Navy pilot was killed in Afghanistan. So she had a family tragedy. She graduated from Ohio State University with a degree in archaeology. She speaks English, Spanish and Portuguese. She is way overqualified for her job. Once Elly Patterson did this, there was a trend to hire overqualified girls with a personal tragedy for jobs. I was lucky to find Marjee, You probably already know this, Howard, but Marjee gave birth to a little girl whom she gave up for adoption, when the father of the girl left her for another woman and she went through an ectopic pregnancy due to some bad birth control advice. So she had the personal tragedy and of course, her education far exceeds that of the usual person cutting hair.” Marjee said, “Are you saying that you wouldn’t have hired me if it weren’t for a trend started by Elly Patterson?” Sugar said, “I already had enough hair stylists at the time, but I opened up a spot just for you. I don’t regret it. You are a great hair stylist.” Marjee said a thank you, but I could tell she was a little miffed.

    Then we were off to the cemetery. The salesman seemed to be very enthusiastic. He said, “Another customer. Business is booming, but don’t worry, we haven’t inflated our rates, just because people are dying to get in.” He had slicked-back hair and wore sunglasses and tied his necktie too short, so it did not extend to just below the bottom button of his shirt to just below the top of his pants. Picky I know, but that’s how I am with fashion.

    Sugar told him what she wanted and he gave us the tour. He said, “We have several very nice locations available. This area, for example, has a lovely view.” Sugar said, “Why would we need a view?” The man said, “Getting a plot with a view is very trendy these days.” I said, “Elly Patterson wanted a plot with a view.” Marjee said, “Sounds very E.M. Forster.” The salesman said, “Ah, someone with a literary mind. I will have to adjust my pitch.” Marjee said, “What do you mean, adjust your pitch?” The salesman said, “A good salesperson recognizes the proper way to speak to a customer to make a sale. For example, the gentleman in the dress mentioned Elly Patterson, who was in here recently. The Pattersons are known throughout Milborough for extremely bad jokes. So, when you sell to the Pattersons, in order to make them comfortable, you tell as many bad jokes as possible. As I recollect, Elly Patterson asked me, ‘Do burial plots vary in price from one area to another?’ and I replied, ‘You know what they say: Location. Location, Location!!’” We all groaned. The salesman said, “Clearly not the technique to use for such intelligent and literate people as you obviously are.” I said, “No tell us another one.” The salesman said, “All right. Elly Patterson asked me, ‘Which burial technique is the cheapest? Casket or cremation?’ And I said, ‘You know what they say: Cremation. Cremation, Cremation!!’” Marjee said, “No more of that Howard. It will be hard to keep my lunch down.” Sugar said, “Which method did Elly Patterson pick?” The cemetery salesman said, “That’s confidential information. But I can tell you that when I was walking the Pattersons around the cemetery, I did develop some concerns.” I said, “What kind of concerns?” The salesman said, “Well. Elly Patterson kept changing height. So, what size coffin do you get someone who can change height? Also, Elly Patterson’s necklace kept disappearing and reappearing. I don’t want to have to exhume a body, just because someone is worried about making sure that the body is still appropriately adorned with their favourite jewelry after burial.” I said, “What do you mean by disappearing and reappearing?” The salesman said, “I would look at her one minute, and the necklace was on, and then I would look at her again, and the necklace was nowhere to be seen.” I said, “I don’t remember jewelry disappearing before. A nose, or an eye, or a finger. Now that I can believe.” The salesman said, “I am not lying to you sir, or miss.” Sugar said, “Howard doesn’t doubt you saw what you saw or didn’t see. He just didn’t expect it.” I said, “That’s right.”

    So the salesman showed us around and then he asked Sugar what she would like to do. Sugar said, “I can’t make a decision yet, until I know what Elly Patterson got.” The salesman sighed, “You and every other person in Milborough.” It was a strange afternoon.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 6:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Mike, yes, it hasn't escaped my notice that you "remember" me when physical labour is needed!

    Thanks, Howard, for your kind words about helping with my staffing issues. I did actually find a replacement for Liz for the summer. Her name is Shelby Nermal, and she seems very nice and capable.

    I don't envy you your visit with that cemetery salesman!

    Lawrence

     

  • At 6:13 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, peeps! i'm still here even when i'm having guest bloggers post for me in the morning! thanks for guesting, lawrence!

    apes

     

  • At 6:39 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Lawrence,

    I presume you have given Shelby Nermal the gay / straight test to make sure she fulfills the role of the token straight woman. It is pretty hard to tell around Milborough sometimes, since the straight women have a tendency to dress butch or like they just walked out of the 1950s.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 6:51 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Lawrence,

    It's nice to know that you can count on your friends in a situation like moving or lifting things. Certainly it is cheaper to depend on your friends, at the cost of pizza and barley-based beverages than to pay professional movers, which would have been a little silly, considering we were only going up a floor. I was certainly glad I remembered you then. You and Nick were a great help.

    Try to remember me sometime, like News Year’s Eve when you and Nick have your party in a private club and invite some of the "beautiful people," which never seems to include Dee and me. I hope you and Nick eventually decide to legalize your union with a wedding ceremony. Your mom said she would support you if you decided to marry but she would not "give away the bride"! I hope that when that day happens, Dee and I will be remembered and get an invitation.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 7:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Howard, I did administer the usual battery of tests to determine Shelby's orientation. Thanks again for helping us develop them!

    Mike, if Nick and I decide to marry, you'll be about the seventh or eighth to know, I promise!

    Lawrence

     

  • At 7:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i know ur still here wen u have guest bloggers post for u. but it bringz up a prob. wen u uze theze guest bloggers, then i dunno wut u wanna talk ‘bout n ur blog. u know everythin’ going on @skool. u know that zandra got duncan a new razr fone n killer whale colourz az a l8 b-day gift. u know that gordie got nvited 2 join the se toronto sk8board association. u know vicki simone got n trub 4 wearin’ earringz that were 3 cm longah than the dress code. u know that rebeccah started wearin’ scarvez 2 covah up all her luis-given hickeyz. u know that gerald wuz wearin’ an ascot 2 covah up all his april-given hickeyz & got a swirlie cuz of it. u know that i njured my neck again, wen eva smirked @me. wut am i gonna tell u, u don’t alreddy know? uc the prob w/guest bloggerz?

     

  • At 7:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Lawrence,

    7th or 8th is good. Thanks for the promise. I would like to know before my mom or dad knows. I hate getting that kind of information from my parents first, dad in particular. You know how you hate getting information from you mom first. It's the same kind of feeling for me with my parents.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 7:43 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, u can alwayz talk abt stuff u wanna talk abt, eh?

    apes

     

  • At 7:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i am not good @startin' convos. i can tell u that wen eva rubz my neck w/o smirkin' it feelz pretty gud. thass wut she iz doin' now, while i am typin' this. she sez my neck iz hard & tite like cowboy'z neck. i don't think i wanna know how she knowz wut a cowboy'z neck feelz like. she also sez "hi".

     

  • At 9:14 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hi, eva!

    yeah, jeremy, eva sumhow knowz all kindsa stuff abt cowboyz.

    apes

     

  • At 10:23 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey, Apes!

    U r prolly wondering y I wasnt @ skool 2day its cos I quit.

    I woke up @ 5 am cos I felt this weird sensation like sum1 was poring warm water on my leg. It was goat baby he sumhow took his diaper off & was pissing on me. My hed was pounding from my bday rum dbl dbls & I thot y shld I have 2 clean up goat babys piss hes not my goat baby. So I got Perdita up then I had a quick shower & a cpl of Tylenols & went back 2 sleep on the living room couch.

    Next thing I no Perditas screaming @ me saying I changed her pw 4 her Tractor Pulling U account. I started screaming @ her that she keeps trying 2 kill me & I h8 her. I used sum of my moms Olympic contender swear words turns out it wld b gold 4 Barbados cos Perdita had sum better 1s.

    Then evry1s in the living room. Uncle Alaistairs holding goat baby, goat babys crying, my moms crying & my dad is yelling @ me & Perdita 2 stop fiting. We stopped swearing @ each other. My dad told me 2 get dressed & meet him @ his car in 15 min.

    I got dressed but I didnt meet him @ his car. I took all the $ out of my moms purse, climbed out my bedroom window & cot the train 2 Shelbyville. Im staying @ the Shelbyville Youth Hostel dont tell ne1 but Zed. Im going 2 begin a new life as a fugitive.

    L8r, mayB,
    Fish Boy

    p.s. Lawrence, d00d, Happy Pride month not that I celebr8 it. How come Mrs P has already changed the rainbows 2 those American grad hats on her website?

     

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