Donut-goal--haven't we seen this B4?
I was confused this morning when I was reading Ger's comment abt how he was sorry my Mom was gonna die, an' how Connie was supposta have been sayin' stuff abt this 2 the creative-nonfiction class my mom's been taking at the college. Just after I read his message, I heard Mom an' Connie coming in, all huffin' an' puffin', saying they'd just dun a "power walk" 2 and from the Donut & Deli. Mom was all, "Nearly killed me, but, as Connie reminded me, when it comes 2 xercise, it's important 2 have a definite goal."
I was, like, "Speaking of 'nearly killed', Y does Ger think Mom's gonna die? He sez his mom got this from sumthing Connie was telling the creative-nonfiction class. Mom looked perplexed, and Connie explained that she'd written abt her mother's friend Nellie Rüttlersohn who died after having had menopause for 25 yrs. And mom was, all, "Not the cautionary tale of Nellie again, Connie! Besides, didn't she die because of undiagnosed cancer?" Connie sed that's what she told the class and Mrs. Forsythe. Well, Mom asked me to go 2 the class's forum an' C what else might B up. So I did, an' I found this lil post from Ger'z mom: "But perhaps the symptoms she thought were prolonged menopause were really the symptoms of cancer. Perhaps there is no such thing as prolonged menopause. Maybe it's just a terrible, wonderful trick of nature."
And we looked up higher in the thread an' saw where she wrote,
NEway, I'm sure yr Mom will B v. v. sad 2 hear my mom's getting screened 4 every single kind of cancer there is!
Then once that was all settled, Mom an' Connie had 2 rehash their walk. Their boring, boring walk. An' how Mom had been all wheezing, and Connie had asked if they shd walk the whole way, 2 which Ma sed she wd. An' Ma was all, "Absolutely! Let's walk!" Connie told her, "Just keep a steady stride," and Mom went, "Steady as she goes." Connie: "Remain completely focused. Mom: "I am totally focused." Connie: "Another half-hour?" Mom: "I can do it if U can." Connie was, like, "We're almost there," And Mom, "I can C it in the distance." Then they got 2 the st00pid Donut & Deli. And I had the strangest feeling I'd heard this story B4, and not just once B4, but many times, an' like a million variationz on it, when Mom an' Connie have walked or jogged 2gether. Mom needs new material! And don't even get me started on how I'm sure Mom consumed more donut-calories than she burned in her power walk.
Howard, Ger an' I R v. physically affectionate! We make out all the time, an' he def gets 2 put his handz in my bra. I dunno what he was on abt, but mayB he wanted sum1 2 give him lotsa sympathy?
Apes
I was, like, "Speaking of 'nearly killed', Y does Ger think Mom's gonna die? He sez his mom got this from sumthing Connie was telling the creative-nonfiction class. Mom looked perplexed, and Connie explained that she'd written abt her mother's friend Nellie Rüttlersohn who died after having had menopause for 25 yrs. And mom was, all, "Not the cautionary tale of Nellie again, Connie! Besides, didn't she die because of undiagnosed cancer?" Connie sed that's what she told the class and Mrs. Forsythe. Well, Mom asked me to go 2 the class's forum an' C what else might B up. So I did, an' I found this lil post from Ger'z mom: "But perhaps the symptoms she thought were prolonged menopause were really the symptoms of cancer. Perhaps there is no such thing as prolonged menopause. Maybe it's just a terrible, wonderful trick of nature."
And we looked up higher in the thread an' saw where she wrote,
I just want to double check with you: a person can actually DIE from menopause going on too long?! I wouldn't want to get my hopes up too high. I mean, this bit of information could change the course of my life--and the life of my darling Gerald--forever! If certain, umm, persons will not be surviving much longer, then the suitability of some of my son's more likely marital prospects increases at least thirtyfold.OMG, Ger, my Mom'z a pain an' all, but it's not cube that yr Mom is like actively hoping she'll die soon an' that she thinx this all meanz U'll dump me an' get w/sum1 else!!!!
NEway, I'm sure yr Mom will B v. v. sad 2 hear my mom's getting screened 4 every single kind of cancer there is!
Then once that was all settled, Mom an' Connie had 2 rehash their walk. Their boring, boring walk. An' how Mom had been all wheezing, and Connie had asked if they shd walk the whole way, 2 which Ma sed she wd. An' Ma was all, "Absolutely! Let's walk!" Connie told her, "Just keep a steady stride," and Mom went, "Steady as she goes." Connie: "Remain completely focused. Mom: "I am totally focused." Connie: "Another half-hour?" Mom: "I can do it if U can." Connie was, like, "We're almost there," And Mom, "I can C it in the distance." Then they got 2 the st00pid Donut & Deli. And I had the strangest feeling I'd heard this story B4, and not just once B4, but many times, an' like a million variationz on it, when Mom an' Connie have walked or jogged 2gether. Mom needs new material! And don't even get me started on how I'm sure Mom consumed more donut-calories than she burned in her power walk.
Howard, Ger an' I R v. physically affectionate! We make out all the time, an' he def gets 2 put his handz in my bra. I dunno what he was on abt, but mayB he wanted sum1 2 give him lotsa sympathy?
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:10 AM
16 Comments:
At 11:15 AM,
April Patterson said…
so, i just got a txt from ger, all, "april-flower, please report immediately to the forsythe abode, as it is imperative that we impart upon mater a much-needed lesson!" i'm not sure what he has in mind, but i'm on my way over!
apes
At 11:38 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your ngashi (mother’s) running to the donut and deli. In Otter County where I live or even in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) where your sister lives for a little while longer, most people run or walk to the local grocer from their house. Everything is very close by. I did not realize that Milborough was the same way. I think if I can get my transfer to the Toronto area, I would like walking to get things. It would make it feel more like home, I mean the place where I was born, raised, and spent most of my life. My sweet girl suggested I should stop thinking of Northwest Ontario as home, and it would help me make the adjustment, when I finally get the transfer.
On a different subject, even among the Ojibway, which are a very open and honest people, usually young girls do not brag about how their boyfriends put their hands in their bra. I only met your ngashi (mother) one time, but I doubt she would approve. I know your sister would definitely not approve. She has made that very clear to me.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 11:46 AM,
April Patterson said…
sumtymez kidz do thingz their parents (an' even older sisters) don't approve of. i know 4 a fact that jesse doez thingz his aunt marg doesn't approve of.
apes
At 11:49 AM,
howard said…
April,
I suspect your boyfriend’s problems had something to do with the fact that Luis was constantly off with Becky kissing and doing other things yesterday and he wished he could have been doing the same thing with you. Personally, I am glad you showed some restraint. There is a time and a place for everything, but in my experience in the world of opera, you devote your heart, mind, and soul to the rehearsal and performance time. Anything else is a base betrayal of the music and the art. That sounds a little harsh, but I get pretty emotional when it comes to music.
As for your mother and her menopause and your story about her jogging and filling up on doughnuts, I will have to tell you that the biggest fear for her is not going to be the menopause or potential cancer (for which I am glad she is getting screened), but adult onset diabetes. Being older and overweight puts her at risk for it. I don’t worry about Connie Poirier, because I have seen her jogging many times without your mother, and she is very thin and bony. Your mother’s metabolism is very unusual with her ability to consume so much pastry, however she should consider dieting in addition to exercise, so she doesn’t have to deal with blood sugar counts and insulin and the like. My grandmother had to deal with it, and I am pretty sure she wishes she hadn’t.
Howard K.
At 11:54 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your response to my writing. It is true that sometimes kids do things their parents and older sisters don't approve of. It is certainly true of Jesse Mukwa. However, it is not good to brag about those things. If your sister and I kissed, it would seem a little odd for me to tell people it had happened, if it ever did happen. Your sister talked about kissing me last December on the road to White River, but if it happened, I never saw it happening. Do you understand my meaning?
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 12:00 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, eva has a definite "don't talk" rule 'bout wut we do 2gethah. yestahday, ur bf wuz tryin' 2 figger out if i wuz tryin' 2 get u 2b my gf & he asked a lotta questionz 'bout wut it iz that eva & i do 2gethah. he didn't seem v. happ, wen i told him i wuzn't gonna tell him. i think wen rebeccah wen off w/luis & came back w/thoze hickies, it musta set him off doin' those comparison things. i wud like 2 say i am happ ger iz gettin' undah ur bra, but that wud b a lie. but az long az ur ok w/it, then i shud be ok w/it, eh?
At 12:12 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Connie Poirier and mom jogging. You write about the most uninteresting things. There were all sorts of other topics you could have addressed, like the psychological aspects to it. For example, I remember having a conversation with Mrs. Poirier a long time ago about jogging with our mother, where she talked about the different ways of motivating her to go jogging with her, like picking garbage off the road, or an opportunity to talk about retirement (which she can’t use any more). But I remember very clearly, Mrs. Poirier told me that nothing will get mom going better than an offer to jog to some place where there is food, particularly a place that serves pastries. If you had written it that way, then your readers would understand the underlying psychology of motivating people to do things that do not otherwise want to do. I use the same motivation with the people at work. For the sleazy men at Portrait magazine, if they want to sit in on Josef Weeder’s photo shoot of the teenaged sylphan lovelies for the 3-page advertisements, then there is something they don’t want to do, they have to do for me. It is a very effective motivation.
As for your boyfriend and the bra, that is a most unPattersonlike activity, to be reserved for after you get married. Deanna says that one of these I am going to get to do it, but before I got married, it never happened. Mom will not be happy to hear what you have been up to. Of course, if you don't want me to tell her, there may be something I would like you to do. How do you feel about staying up all night with crying babies?
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 12:20 PM,
April Patterson said…
i dunno, paul, what if u an' liz had kissed, like, really s00per-much an' s00per well, but then she went an' told sum1 else, like viv or marg or phil goulais, that u never kiss her an' she wishes u wd? wd u mayB wanna clear thingz up? that's what i thot i was doing, not bragging. sorry if i offended ne1's sensibilitiez.
mike, feel free 2 write yr own blog if u think mine is boring. but i hafta say, most ppl tell me they think yr monthly letterz r not only boring, but also pompous, so think abt that.
howard, i'm glad u cd understand y i was focusing on music during rehearsal, an' not mackin' w/ger.
apes
At 4:13 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your response to my writing about kissing. If my sweet girl were to kiss me super-much and super-well, I don’t think I would have any complaints no matter what she told Vivian Crane or Margaret Mukwa or Phil Goulais. I sometimes dream about it happening. Your sister’s lips have been looking much fuller and riper lately, so it has been difficult to stop thinking about it.
You have never been to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) where your sister will only be living for a tiny bit of time longer, but there are no secrets in the town. Maybe I would not be concerned about what your sister would tell Vivian Crane or Margaret Mukwa or Phil Goulais, because they would already know she had been kissing me super-much and super-well. If my sweet girl tried to tell them I never kiss her, they would give her some of the good-natured teasing of native humour. They already call her coffee cake, so they know something about what we have done together. Vivian Crane told me that when your sister and I started dating, she would tell people we were just friends, and nobody believed her then. I think things are different where you are. Maybe everyone in Milborough doesn’t know what everyone else in Milborough is doing.
Even so, if you are going to brag, you should tell people what a wonderful guy your boyfriend is, or how much you are in love with him. That’s what I do. I don’t think there is anyone between Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) and White River that doesn’t know I adore your sister. When I first met your mother and found her sleeping on the side of the road, she made a joke that she hoped I didn’t think she was roadside. I didn’t know what that meant, until she explained it to me. I have never met you, but you seem like a nice girl. But if your mother heard about your boyfriend and the bra, she might think you were roadside, and I don’t think that is what you want.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 4:26 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I don’t have time to write my own Blog. I barely have time to write my own book. You may not be aware of this, but I am an award-winning editor and I was just trying to give you a few helpful hints about your writing. Remember how much you loved my advice on how to use outlines to write your essays? As for people criticizing my monthly letters, I can only imagine that they are incapable of appreciating the fine prose style that could only come from Michael Patterson. My lovely Deanna, and my beloved Josef Weeder and his significant other Carleen all adore my work and think it is very funny. My most recent monthly letter about Melville Kelpfroth was a sterling example of the inimitable Patterson style.
I hope I do not need to remind you that you are a Patterson and are very talented too, so long as you receive the appropriate inspiration and guidance from an older person. Lizardbreath often goes on and on about her former teacher Sharon Edwards-Taylor and how her inspiration led her to teach the aboriginal people of Northwest Ontario for 2 years, before she was overwhelmed by homesickness and was so eager to get away from there, she jumped at the first part-time job opportunity she got. If you had someone like that, then you could achieve the greatness for which you are intended, and which is your right as a Patterson. I know mom and dad had hoped you would get this from Aunt Beverly and cousin Laura with veterinary school, but since you are remaining in Milborough for the summer, then perhaps you need your big brother to step up and inspire you. We don’t get to see you nearly enough wherever it is that we live near Toronto, so anytime you care to come up and spend an overnight with my son crying about his ears, we would be glad to have you. I have lots of advice for an up-and-coming writer, and know you can be great, almost as great as I am.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 4:30 PM,
howard said…
April,
I hope everything went well with your teaching Gerald’s mater a much-needed lesson. That seemed like an unlikely errand to me.
Arne the magician is apparently back in town and he says he is doing some new tricks at the Valhalla tonight involving human invisibility. I hope this means he will actually appear for the show, but with Arne it is hard to tell. I think Becky plans to ask Arne to cover for us when we take our vacation after school is out, but I am not sure. Becky mentioned the possibility of Luis coming on the vacation with us, and my acting as a chaperone, but I have a hard time imagining any parents that would go along with that, aside from Becky’s parents, of course.
Howard K.
At 4:46 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, the freakiest thing that haz evah happed 2 me n mboro happed this afternoon. considerin’ all the freaky stuff that haz happed 2 me, that seemz like a lie, but it is not. eva & i were n the park doin’ sum stuff & we saw ur neighbour connie poirier joggin’ around the park & then she started hoverin’. then i heard her say, “hoverin’ again. i guess i bettah start walkin’.” but then when she started walkin’ she wuz gettin’ higher & higher off the ground & she started screamin’ 4 help. u know the carz ‘round here hover sumtymez, like ur dad’s car 4 sure, but i nevah saw a human do it b4. so, eva stopped wut we were doin’ 2gethah & she sed, “jeremy. we need 2 help her b4 she floats away n2 the air traffick lanez.” so we ran ovah 2 where mrs. poirier wuz floatin’, but she wuz outa reach. i put eva on my shoulderz & we tried 2 reach her & she wuz still outa reach. ‘course eva hadda launch n2 a comparison b-tween cowboyz who try to put cowz on their shoulderz nstead of lassoing them. so i thot ‘bout gettin’ sum rope & doin’ a lasso, but i realized that i am not actually a cowboy & i don’t have ne rope. so nstead i climbed up this tree near where connie poirier was floatin’ away. then wen she floated near the tree i hadda jump outa the tree and grabbed on2 her. she started floatin’ down a little & eva grabbed her feet & sed sumthin’ ‘bout how a good cowboy alwayz needz a good cowgirl 2 back him up. which wuz prolly true n this case, cuz i think connie poirier cud’ve floated both of us away. when eva got her 2 the ground, we dragged her ovah under 2 the tree so she cud hold the tree & we cud hold each foot. eventually she stopped floatin’. i wuz xxpectin’ a thanx or sumthin’ but she just made sum comment ‘bout how she h8ed joggin’ w/ur mother & she left. we followed her 4 a bit till we saw her go n2 her house. it wuz rilly scary, jumpin’ outa that tree & i kinda shake a little thinkin’ ‘bout wut woulda happed if i had missed mrs. poirier & gone splat on the ground. neway, eva took me 2 horny tim’s 2 calm me down. it wuz just freaky. u nevah can tell wut will happ n this town sumtymez.
At 6:23 PM,
April Patterson said…
but paul, i wasn't bragging. wasn't. y does it seem like u don't wanna believe me or sumthing?
which brings me 2 mike. mike, how many times do i hafta remind u that THE THING ABT OUTLINES DID NOT COME FROM U. IT CAME FROM A COMPOSITION BOOK LIZ GAVE ME! gah!
jeremy, becky, thoze r v. v. weird storiez!
howard, u r rite, it was a strange errand. when i got 2 ger'z, he let me in an' we walked in2 the dining rm which, like everything else in that house, is huge and white. mrs. f. was sitting by herself @ the head of the table sniffing a sprig of parsley. she sed "appetite suppresant". then, it was like she suddenly remembered who i am, and she sed, "gerald millicent delaney-forsythe, what r u doing bringing april marian patterson here? she comes from unsuitable stock and u know it!" gerald was all, "mater, this is the woman i love, and she is more than suitable, she's my one and only!" mrs. f. started 2 say "nonsense", but ger interrupted her @ "nons", w/"btw, u'll b happy 2 know that thanx 2 yr concern abt mrs. patterson'z health, april's mom is getting screened 4 every kind of cancer there is, so if she really is having cancer symptoms masquerading as menopause, she can be diagnosed and treated." i never thot i wd c mrs. f. looking even paler than she normally does, but she turned such an ultra-white shade of white that the entire room suddenly seemed kinda beige!
"nooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!" she shrieked! and while she was shrieking, ger was like, "and april and i r even physically affectionate!" and he started makin' out w/me rite in front of his mom! @ that pt, dr. f walked in, all, "way 2 go, boy! btw, i've heard u r definitely going 2 second under the bra! i m so proud of u!" @ that, mrs. f. leapt out of her chair, all "chocolate! i need my triple-security stash of chocolate!" and she went down 2, like, sum sub-basement level. dr. f. was like, "here we go!" 10 mins l8r, mrs. f was back up, an' the lower half of her face was, like, covered in chocolate! she was, all, "no! don't look @ me! i need my feather, and a week at the spa!" and she ran upstairz!
weird, eh?
becks, u r rite, dad an' i never had ne panini's 2day. that wda been way yummier than the roast chicken an' couscous, followed by fruit, that dad went out an' bought after he ditched the rotten chicken wraps mom tried 2 palm off on us!
apes
At 9:04 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Oh, man, oh man, what an uncube day.
1st Ive got the English genius Zed going on & on abt I cant tell a homonym from a heteronym. It made my brain hurt I only got a 63 in English this year STFU.
So then I got home & my 'rents say that my auntie Perdita & whoevah she married & goat baby r coming 2 TO next week 4 a cpl of weeks 4 sum lame Bajan thing. WTF did I do 2 deserve this. I wish my gran was coming instead my grans way cube but Perditas this nasty girl @ the goat farm who used 2 push me in front of the bucks when they were in heat.
L8r. If I demonstr8 2 Zed I no the diff btween homo & hetero I mite get lucky 2nite. Ill prolly b home erly & alone.
At 9:10 PM,
April Patterson said…
dunc, u want me 2 ask my 'rents if u can stay w/us while yr auntie & unk the baby r @ yr house? u cd say it's so they have xtra room. u know my 'rents luv u more than if u were their own!
apes
At 9:19 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes,
Thats a cube idea. I have 2 think abt it w/ all of the drama @ home its bn rilly ez 4 me 2 do what I want when I want.
Sorry Ive not ritten abt Niagara Falls yet. Evry time I sit down I remember my 'rents Bajan rum & that if I dont take more than 3 shots @ a time they dont notice. Plus sumtimes my mom cs me @ the 'puter & wants 2 play Grand Theft Auto. She even found the coffee scene w/o using cheats.
I think they mite stop fiting when Perdita & goat baby get here. Its bn rilly bad l8ly. Faustus & me & even Falstaff no 2 hit the rec room if my mom starts calling my dad "Dean."
L8r.
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