Str8 Line, Punchline, Snare Drum, Rolleyez!
Liz told me she cdn't stand holding everything inside NEmore an' decided 2 go talk 2 Vivian. She sed she told Vivian she had 2 talk 2 her and that Vivian sed she'd been hoping she wd and asked what was wrong. Liz told her abt being so homesick that she "can't stand it", even tho she loves being in Mtiglala, loves her job, and has made good friends She told Viv she misses her fam, and Viv was all, "You're a southerner, Elizabeth. Like so many ppl, U came 2 the north looking 4 adventure, xperience. ...U didn't come here 2 stay." Which is so not true. I mean, at least according 2 Liz when she was student teaching and first planning 2 move up there. NEway, Liz told Viv, "Part of me wants 2 stay. Part of me wants 2 leave!" Vivian responded, "And... U don't know if U're coming or going." Then, Liz told me, "April, I seriously cringed. It was like Vivian just took my heartfelt admission and turned it into a str8 line 2 set up her punchline, which made me feel, at least 4 that moment, as though she really didn't care about me and what I was going thru." I told her I knew xactly how she felt, cuz ppl alwayz seem 2 B doing that in our circle of fam, friendz, & acquaintances. U almost xpect 2 hear the snare drum an' the canned laffter from radio audiences long dead! NEway, I totally sympathize!
And man am I ever tired! I'm sooooo glad it's Friday. I am totally draggin' arse after sneaking out 2 C that midnite showing of Xmen3 w/Ger, Jeremy, Eva, Dunc, Zed, an' Charles Wallace. It's a wonder I managed 2 sneak out an' sneak back in w/out my 'rents seeming 2 notice. But the weird thing w/them is they kinda switch back an' forth between having me under a total microscope an' like almost completely 4getting I xist. Lucky 4 me, they were in "April who?" mode! LOL!
Apes
And man am I ever tired! I'm sooooo glad it's Friday. I am totally draggin' arse after sneaking out 2 C that midnite showing of Xmen3 w/Ger, Jeremy, Eva, Dunc, Zed, an' Charles Wallace. It's a wonder I managed 2 sneak out an' sneak back in w/out my 'rents seeming 2 notice. But the weird thing w/them is they kinda switch back an' forth between having me under a total microscope an' like almost completely 4getting I xist. Lucky 4 me, they were in "April who?" mode! LOL!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:59 AM
12 Comments:
At 9:39 AM,
Anonymous said…
Lizardlips,
I don’t know why this didn’t occur to me before, but the middle-aged lady you picked to be your mentor and guide in whatever town you live in, is your boss’ wife. If I remember correctly, you chose your roommate’s aunt when you were at university. That was a much better choice. Why would you ever pick your employer’s wife as your guide and confidant? Liz. She does not have your back when you’re in trouble. She is just another side to your boss. You go into her house to talk about being homesick and she gives a lot of advice which means (let me translate this for you): Leave!!!! Quit your job and leave!!! Now!!!
Let me tell you sis. You don’t leave one job without having another job lined up. When I got fired from Portrait magazine 3 years ago, and I did not have a regular-paying job, it was the worst time of my life. I had to borrow money to pay the bills. And mom never lets me forget it. She still has a copy of the check I used to pay her back, which she brings out occasionally to remind me of it. I don’t know why this woman wants you to leave. Maybe they found someone better. Maybe she thinks you (as an attractive Patterson woman) are a threat to her marriage (you do have a history here). What she should be saying is something like what my landlady Lovey would say to me, “Oy. You are such a mensch. How can even want to leave? If you are going meshuggina, then go visit your mother but then come back. The place will be just as you left it.” Or as even Mrs. Dingle at university would have said to me, “Get your f***king *** back to visit me now or I’ll find you and stick a **** up your ****.”
I know the real reason you want to leave is to preserve your Patterson-sized lips before they grow any bigger. Deanna and the kids and I really would like to see you back; but don’t leave a job you love for a little homesickness. Believe me; it just takes one time with mom screaming at the top of her lungs at you to make you glad you left.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:44 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your sister and it reminded me of a strange conversation I had with Vivian Crane, when I was in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) visiting last week. Elizabeth was finishing up her day at school, when Vivian called me into her home. She said, “Constable Wright. I have been hoping to talk to you about what’s wrong with Elizabeth.” I said, “There’s something wrong with…?” Vivian interrupted and said, “You may have noticed that she is very homesick.” I said, “I don’t think she is…” Vivian interrupted and said, “She really misses the city, that’s what you think isn’t it? All those things you can buy. All those men you can meet. It must make you very insecure. You don’t know if she’s a country moose or a city dog.” I said, “What she has told me is…” Vivian interrupted and said, “That she’s a Southerner, and she can’t commit to anything.” I said, “I don’t think that’s…” Vivian interrupted and said, “She was looking for adventure, experience and the opportunity to experience and immerse herself in the whole First Nations experience and you are a part of that experience.” I said, “I think I am her boyfriend and not some experience. In fact I…” Vivian interrupted and said, “Loved the idea of being with a white woman, even if it was for a short period of time.” I said, “Wait a minute! That’s not true I…” Vivian interrupted and said, “Wish Elizabeth would quit her job so you could start a relationship with her replacement Susan Dokis.” I said, “I don’t even know a Susan Dokis. And if I did I certainly would not…” Vivian interrupted and said, “Know whether you prefer white meat or dark meat.” I said, “No. It has nothing to do with meat preference. I know what I really prefer to…” Vivian interrupted and said, “Settle these matters on your own. I know. But we have to give Susan Dokis a commitment on a job and a new boyfriend very soon.” I said, “I am in love with…” Vivian interrupted and said, “Coffeecake. Everyone knows that. I have some fresh here. Have a piece.” So I did. It was good cake but I had no idea what Vivian was talking about. It was a very strange conversation. It sounds like your sister was just as confused as I was. But if she is really homesick, then I am glad school is ending next month, so she can visit her family and you too, of course.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 9:54 AM,
howard said…
April,
Ouch! I hope I have never taken one of your heartfelt admissions and turned it into a straight line to set up a punch line. If I have, I am truly sorry.
Well Becky came in late last night, so I was convinced that Taylor Morgan had found her and had taken her to X-Men 3, with the rest of you. But Becky just said that she and Luis had been studying and she was going to ace her spelling test today, even though she may be a little sleepy. Oh! I was so jealous, I could hardly stand it. Becky had clearly been doing a lot of kissing, because her lips were a little puffy and she spoke with a slight lisp. I wish I could be getting some Latino action, but I don’t know any Latinos. Maybe, a Latina. I would call up Beatrice Alfarero, but that would dredge up too much history. I wonder if Shawna-Marie Verano is busy? These thoughts are going to drive me crazy. It’s been too long since I have been without. I think I am going to ask Marjee Mahaha if she knows any nice gay, Latinos.
Howard K.
At 9:59 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I thought you liked it when I turn what you say into a straight line for your punchline. You seem so happy when you get to make a pun. It’s the only time I see you smile at school and you have a glow to you. I didn’t know you didn’t like it. I like to see you smile. It’s a lot better than when you look like a werewolf or have that little thunderstorm over your head. Sorry. I didn’t mean to do something you didn’t like, since you have been so nice to me.
Sorry,
Shannon Lake
At 10:12 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i h8 2 say this but ur bro iz rite ‘bout ur sis & this vivian lady. it iz so obvious she iz tryin’ 2 convince ur sis 2 leave. all ur sis iz sayin’ iz that she iz homesick. i’ve been homesick b4. the tyme wen my dad took me on tour w/him & i spent the whole tyme sittin’ n the lobby of a house of prostititution n b.c. i wuz rilly homesick then. that whole speech this vivian woman makes ‘bout how liz didn’t come there 2 stay cuz she wuz a southerner. wtf iz up w/that? thass like a slap n the face 2 all the peeps n southern ontario. i wudn’t wanna live up n the north, cuz there iz no musick biz there, but if there wuz, i wudn’t care. it’s like a majour diss of ur sis, u know. not just the takin’ wut she sed & makin’ a pun outa it, which 2b honest iz sumthin’ u & ur fam do all the tyme, so u got no reazn 2 complain. but 2 say that ur sis’ goin’ 2 university n the north, doin’ her student-teachin’ n the north & workin’ up n the north, w/peeps lookin’ n her window & callin’ her coffeecake b-hind her back iz that she didn’t plan 2 stay iz ridiculous. it soundz 2 me like they have been tryin’ 2 get rid of her 4 2 yearz & now they have sum kinda replacement who iz 1st nations, they r startin’ 2 push her rilly hard. if i were ur sis, i wud stay 4 1 more year just 2 show them & that replacement hazta go sumplace else. then i wud leave & rilly stick it 2 this vivian & her husband. ‘course thass all revenge fantasy stuff & i try 2 get away frum that, since u know it’s got me n trub b4. all i am sayin’ iz it soundz like ur sis iz gettin’ a raw deal. just cuz ur a little homesick duzn’t mean u wanna b a quitter.
At 6:12 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, shannon, i h8 punz. sumtymez a pun slips out from me, like not on purpose. & i feel like a pile of dog doodie when that happs, not glad.
an' remember, it was liz complaining, an' me just sayin' i knew what she meant, eh?
liz, i think jeremy and mike have a pt that it soundz like viv's tryin' 2 get rid of u. can u think y she'd do that?
apes
At 6:14 PM,
April Patterson said…
comments r being cranky, pls stand by.
At 7:19 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I think you’ve only had mom for a boss on a job, so let me, with my years of working experience, let you know a little about real bosses. My first boss, when I was writer on Portrait magazine, was a balding, pointy-nosed idiot named Mitch Frenum. I did my ground-breaking article on the fashion model Divala. Even though Mitch approved the article and everything in it was absolutely and completely true, Mitch wanted me make a public apology. When I refused, I was fired. That’s what a boss was like. Of course, I ended up getting Mitch Frenum’s job as senior editor when my article attracted world-wide attention in the fashion design industry. That is the power of words, little sis. Of course, now I answer to another boss, the publisher of Portrait magazine, who is a balding, pompous, buzz-word-using man, who has changed Portrait magazine from a magazine that does portraits of people to a magazine that is mainly known for its advertisements featuring almost naked teenage girls. Our publisher has sold out to these lurid advertisers in order to make the money to pay for his hair implants. Most of us actually care and we'd like to put out a more sophisticated journal, instead of catering to our publisher’s hair needs. That’s another example of a boss for you.
Bosses don’t care about you. They care about what they are in charge of. From what you wrote today, I can tell Liz’s boss’ wife is prejudiced against people coming from Southern Ontario to work in Northwest Ontario. She thinks Southerners like Liz are adventure seekers and are not serious workers. Liz, like you and me is a Patterson, and hard work is in our blood. After 2 years there, if this woman still thinks our sister is the same as every other Southerner she has met, then she is either not paying attention or she wants to hire someone from the Northwest, because of her prejudice. Liz always makes an impression where she goes, so the guess of this humble writer brother of yours is the woman is deeply prejudiced against people from the south. Do you know if she plans to hire someone from the Northwest? If she is, then my point is proved. Remember this, April. Don’t trust your boss, or even your boss’ wife; unless either one of them is related to you.
That's the big mistake Liz has made with this Vivian woman. Now she told her that she's homesick, Vivian is going to use that as leverage to talk her into or force her into leaving wherever it is that Liz lives. Just watch and see. Your older brother knows all about bosses.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 7:28 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, u may h8 punz & u may feel like a pile of dog doodie (do u rilly uze the word doodie?) wen that happs. howevah, shannon iz rite wenevah it duz happ, u look rilly hott, like scary pretty. i’m glad u try not 2 pun v. much, cuz it wud b rilly hard 2 concentr8 ‘round u n skool if u did it a lot. ur dad duz a lotta punz, & just 2 let u know, he duzn’t look ne bettah wen he punz. i think it must b only u or mebbe ur sis, cuz howeird haz talked ‘bout her b-ing rilly pretty sumtymez.
At 7:34 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I don’t understand why you hate puns. Puns are not mean things you say to people. When I hear a pun, it is never about me being stupid. A pun can be funny sometimes. I haven’t heard a funny pun in a long time, but I remember a long time ago, puns were funny. When the A-girls make fun of me, they never use a pun. I don’t mind if you say a pun around me.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 7:52 PM,
howard said…
April,
Becky's performing tonight, so I finally get a night off. This week was a killer having to cover my show and Arne's show and work at the salon and cook food and clean for everyone. The plus side of no more Thora is I don't have to feed her and massage her anymore. That's one thing off my plate.
Marjee Mahaha and I are trolling the bars for Latino men. We ran into a woman here, who says she knows your sister from university. Her name is Anita. She's from Mexico, and she promised to introduce me to some men she knows. I asked her why she wasn’t going after Latinos herself, but she said she prefers Caucasian boys ever since she was dating a guy named Nelson in university. No more Nelson (I think they broke up after graduation or something), but we are looking for Caucasian boys for her. There are a lot more choices for Anita than there are for me.
By the way, I don't agree with your brother about bosses. Sugar Van Rensselaer is a great boss, and she is not related to you that I know of.
Howard K.
At 1:43 AM,
howard said…
April,
If you hear any rumours about me and Anita and Marjee, they are probably true. I hope you don't hear anything though.
Howard K.
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