More Cowboy Talk and a Prank
So, another thing that happed on Sat, after Eva an' I got our pop & she did her lil cell fones=gunz thing. Ger, looking oddly like Howard, came over 2 the kitchen doorway, where Eddie was peeking in, and sed, "Yr dad's gonna take us out 4 a drive, OK? We're gonna C what his new car can do." An' he winked @ me. I don't think Eva noticed the wink, B-cuz she was all, "There go our cowboyz, April. They've whipped their steed 2 a frenzy an' --they're off!! Screaming towards the freeway, daring guyz 2 pass... They're heading 4 the big showdown." OK, I was a lil distracted by the fact that Eva was, like, "our cowboyz", like she'd taken ownership of Dunc. Like since when? And that she was still going on w/her cowboy analogy. Y, Eva, Y? And that she was so sure about a "showdown" when we didn't even know where they were headed in the car.
But I know now cuz Ger told me afterwards. He sed that when he an' Dunc had gotten thoze fone callz, they were fr a coupla guyz from school, an' Ger & Dunc decided it wd B fun 2 play a prank on my dad. So they set up this drive 2 the Burgers and Sub place just off the Clowes Freeway, where a buncha guyz were w8ing 2 act like they gave a rat's arse abt Dad'z st00pid 'vASSe. Ger told me he an' Dunc nearly lost their lunch on he way over, cuz Dad was hovering the car even more than usual, an' he was totally breaking like every emissionz law (he shd have that checked--bad 4 a new car!). At Burgers and Subs, Ger and Dunc got out and one of the boyz who was w8ing there actually asked Dad 2 pop the hood so they cd look inside, LOL! Gordie was there, an' he was, like, "Sweet." Carl Sobriquet went, "Turbocharged, intercooled an' twin overhead cam." Fabian Mustel was all, "I'm impressed. Check out the intake. U can hear her breathe!" LOL, gd one, Fabian! Drew Fontaine was all, "How'z she on gas?" Ger was, "MayB 30 klicks 2 the litre on high 5!" And Drew was, like, "Bonus!" And Dunc was, like, "Dude!"
So now Dad totally thinx he haz the teenage-boy approval, an' he'z struttin' around Mboro like he'z soooooooooooooo cube! Ha, not!
Apes
But I know now cuz Ger told me afterwards. He sed that when he an' Dunc had gotten thoze fone callz, they were fr a coupla guyz from school, an' Ger & Dunc decided it wd B fun 2 play a prank on my dad. So they set up this drive 2 the Burgers and Sub place just off the Clowes Freeway, where a buncha guyz were w8ing 2 act like they gave a rat's arse abt Dad'z st00pid 'vASSe. Ger told me he an' Dunc nearly lost their lunch on he way over, cuz Dad was hovering the car even more than usual, an' he was totally breaking like every emissionz law (he shd have that checked--bad 4 a new car!). At Burgers and Subs, Ger and Dunc got out and one of the boyz who was w8ing there actually asked Dad 2 pop the hood so they cd look inside, LOL! Gordie was there, an' he was, like, "Sweet." Carl Sobriquet went, "Turbocharged, intercooled an' twin overhead cam." Fabian Mustel was all, "I'm impressed. Check out the intake. U can hear her breathe!" LOL, gd one, Fabian! Drew Fontaine was all, "How'z she on gas?" Ger was, "MayB 30 klicks 2 the litre on high 5!" And Drew was, like, "Bonus!" And Dunc was, like, "Dude!"
So now Dad totally thinx he haz the teenage-boy approval, an' he'z struttin' around Mboro like he'z soooooooooooooo cube! Ha, not!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:50 AM
15 Comments:
At 9:37 AM,
duncan anderson said…
Oh, man, the things I have 2 do 2 suck up 2 peeps sumtime. Zed & I r picking up my letter of reference from yr dad aft skool 2day. Itd better b good.
Apes, y did yr mom start a rumour that Ive got a crush on Eva? She shld have said that Evas got sum freaky powers that skare me. Evry time I c her I have 2 stare @ her chest. Plus when Ger & I were riding w/ yr dad in his new 'Asse, I swear I cld hear Evas voice. It sounded like she was clinging 2 the roof of the 'Asse.
L8r.
At 11:30 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings talking with your friend Eva and your noos (father) showing off his new car to your friends. I am jealous I could not be there. I would love to meet the noos (father) of my sweet girl and talk about cars. 30 klicks to the litre is astounding. I think I might have said “Bonus” or “Dude” myself, if I heard those kind of numbers. Is your noos (father’s) car some kind of advanced hybrid car? That is the kind of gas consumption you usually only get with motorcycles.
My constable’s instincts would normally be suspicious of a man close to retirement taking teenaged boys for a ride, but since it is your noos (father), I am sure there is nothing inappropriate happening. When I visit Milborough and meet your noos (father), I hope I can get ride in your noos (father’s) car too.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 11:56 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Well it has finally happened to you, and I am sorry it has. The sad fact about our father is that he doesn’t have any friends his age. You might think Dr. Ted McCaulay or Steve Nichols or Greg Thomas or Keith Enjo are friends his age, but you would be wrong. All those men are associated with mom’s friends, Connie Poirier and Anne Nichols and Carol Enjo. The closest dad comes to having a friendship with any of them is when he occasionally has lunch with Dr. McCaulay. When I was in high school, I noticed dad started taking an interest in my friends Lawrence Poirier and Gordon Mayes. As you know, he invested money in starting their businesses and he visits them regularly. One of the reasons my high school friend Brian Enjo moved to Japan was to put as much distance between him and dad as possible. Brian couldn’t take the constant intrusion when dad apparently offered to help him start up his own architectural firm one time too often. Fortunately for our sister Lizardbreath, she only had one male friend in high school, her boyfriend Anthony Caine, and I am told that dad keeps up-to-date with the things going on in his life like no one else in Milborough, except for Anthony himself. One of the things I like best about Josef Weeder is that he is my friend and he lives far enough away from Milborough that I don’t have to worry about dad with him. It’s nice to have a male friend to whom you can confide, who is not also a confidant of your father.
The reason I am telling you all this is because of your story about dad taking your friends Duncan and Gerald on a ride to show off his new car. With other dads, you would expect him to show off his car to the neighbours, like Steve Nichols or Greg Thomas or Keith Enjo. According to your story, that’s not what dad did. The next thing you know, dad is going to be inviting your male friends to do other things together with him, and once they graduate high school, they will probably get the offer to start up a business using the family money. Then they will be dad’s friends and not really your friends any more. Just between you and me, I think this was one of the reasons Lizzie lost interest in Anthony, when she was at university. Having a boyfriend who was such good friends with dad, I think, bothered her a lot. If you’re smart, little sis, and since you’re a Patterson like me, I know you are; you might want to limit how much time dad spends with your male friends.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 1:16 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, eva’z behaviour iz v.v. inneresting 2day. we hadda nice convo last nite & then wen i went by her house 2 walk her 2 skool, her mom sed she had alreddy left. i wuz kinda disappointed but then i swear i cud hear her voice. so i followed the sound & she wuz followin’ duncan & narratin’ everythin’ he wuz doin’. she wuz sayin’, “there goez my cowboy. no. he’z stopped 4 sumthin’. iz it a rattler tryin’ 2 shake him off hiz steed? iz the spur on hiz boot caught on sumthin’? no he’s tying his shoelace. & he’z off!! he’z screamin’ ‘round the corner & he’z stopped @the bus stop. he’z darin’ guyz 2 get on the bus b4 him. josh the geek god iz tryin’ 2 get on b4 my cowboy. they’re headin’ 4 the big showdown. yes!! my cowboy iz on the bus 1st. his buz iz screamin’ away.” i caught up 2 eva & sed, “wut ru doin’?” eva sed, “narratin’ ‘bout duncan.” i sed, “yru doin’ that?” eva sed, “rumour haz it that duncan'z got a bit of a crush on me, but it's unknown @this time if the feeling iz mutual. duzn’t that sound like sumthin’ a narrator wud say?” i sed, “it soundz like sumthin’ a newspaper gossip column wud say.” eva sed, ‘i like narrator bettah. i think i am gonna narrate duncan all day long, man.” i sed, “if u do like him, ur gonna drive him away doin’ that.” eva sed, “iz that rite, jeremy jonez? & y wud i wanna do that?” i sed, “i dunno. 2 make urself look like ur crayzee?” eva sed, “do u think i wanna look like i’m crayzee?” i sed, “no. i hope not, neway. i don’t know ne othah reazn u mite wanna drive duncan xxcept…eva abuya, ur v.v. sneaky.” eva sed, “i am, aren’t i? no unknown force iz gonna make me d8 sum guy who alreddy haz a gf. if duncan iz skared of me, then there’z no way it’s gonna happ.” i sed, “but wut ‘bout wen u play w/him n ur band?” eva sed, “i’m not gonna narrate while i am singin’, so we’re ok. man.” so, if uc eva narratin’ duncan, thass wut it iz all ‘bout.
At 1:29 PM,
howard said…
April,
I know all about that Burgers and Sub place just off Clowes Freeway. If Gerald tried to get guys to look at a car there, it would not be difficult. Right next to it is possibly the best Chip Shack in Milborough, if not Ontario. Fantastic chips there and almost every guy knows it. Of course, it’s layout is idiotic, because the window where you do the ordering faces the Burgers and Sub place. So you have to drive up and get out of your car to place an order. But the chips are so good, it makes up for the inconvenience. That’s why there are guys hanging around there all the time. It’s the chips. So, if you were to drive up and want to show off your car, it wouldn’t be difficult.
As for your dad driving Gerald and Duncan around, we have a word in the Milborough Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender community for older guys who drive around teenage guys in their fancy cars, and it’s not a nice word. Your dad may want to cut that kind of stuff out, or he may get a reputation and the potentially embarrassing interest of one Officer Brad Luggsworth.
Howard K.
At 1:32 PM,
Anonymous said…
Eva,
If you want to narrate what I am doing, you can do that. Sometimes people don’t pay any attention to what I do, because I am special needs. But if you narrated what I was doing, then people might notice me. I won’t mind. I promise.
Thank you,
Shannon Lake
At 6:44 PM,
April Patterson said…
dunc, i asked mom y she started a rumour abt u having a crush on eva. an' she got this kinda smug look on her face and sed sum thingz r just meant 2 b. when i tried 2 keep talking abt it, she sent me 2 mr. singh's 2 buy muffins and scones.
eva, i was wondering y u kept narrating dunc like that. poor guy was starting 2 get a complex.
mike, i think u have a pt abt dad making friendz w/his kid's male friendz. i dunno if i can stop him tho. u know how he is!
apes
At 7:16 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest friendly flower friends,
This afternoon, Eva got off the school bus with me because she had her appointment with Pater. As you know, one of his offices is in our home. Anyway, Eva was nervous, so I went in with her and sat with her in the waiting room.
Eva said to me, "Gerald, I'm freaked out! I have heard some really wack things about your dad!"
And I said, "Don't worry, Eva. He is the foremost expert in childhood and teenaged psychosexual development."
And Eva said, "Yo, I don't think my problem is sexual, man!"
And I said, "Dad says that's often the first sign." Then I thought about it, and told her, "All week, you have been talking about strap-ons, and riding hard, and getting whipped into a frenzy. That sounds sexual to me." Then I thought about what Duncan had told me, and I said, "Also, you have started wearing a lot of low-cut tops, and you thrust your bosom at Duncan and smirk every chance you get. That seems pretty sexual too."
Eva sighed. She said, "I know. I don't know what I'm doing. I guess I feel like I have these roles to play."
And I asked, "What do you mean?"
And Eva said, "Well, when I first came to town, I wanted someone to like me. And I saw April in English class, and she seemed nice. So I played the part of the Sycophantic New Girl until we were friends."
And I said, "Oh, is that why you were always admiring every article of clothing that she wore?"
Eva nodded and said, "Also accessories." Then she added, "Then I heard people start to notice me around school. But the only reason they were talking about me was that they thought I should hook up with Duncan, for some reason. I wasn't sure if I was even interested in Duncan, but I didn't want to get erased again, so I decided to play the role of Girl On The Make. I figured if I could get Duncan really interested in me, that would be an anti-erasure guarantee. So I put on low-cut tops and lots of lipstick, pushed my boobs in Duncan's face, and smirked a lot."
"Oh," I said. "That makes sense. Have you played any other roles?"
Eva sighed and said, "Yes. My next role was Anti-Becky. I knew the only way I would be able to get in the band was to sound very, very different from her. Even though you guys still like Becky more than you let on, I can tell you resent her for leaving and are eager to prove you as good or better without her. So I made sure my sound was totally different from hers, even though I have heard her talk about music with you guys, and we all like the same bands."
And I said, "I guess I can understand that."
"Also," Eva said, "once I was in the band, I felt pressured to have more of a unique personality that would make me stand out. So I started up with the brash, outspoken, know-it-all stuff. And you know what? As soon as I started to do that, people started to pay attention to me. Look. All week long, April's blog entries have been about me!."
"That's true," I said.
"I'm afraid, Gerald," she told me. "I'm afraid to give up acting like that. Even if it makes people think I'm crazy. I'm not getting erased again. Nope. No way." Eva folded her arms resolutely over her chest. This was good, because I was starting to get just a little distracted by her low-cut top.
I told her, "Just tell my dad that you know you have a problem, and that you're trying to find a healthy and age-appropriate way to express your sexuality. That will probably cut your appointment time down by half. Then he will just give you some ideas for how to do that. Whatever he suggests, just go along with it. Even if he tells you to do an intensive study of the Girls Gone Wild videos while fondling an anatomically correct male blow-up doll, just say you'll do it."
Eva gave me a hug and said, "Thanks Gerald. You're a great listener, and you have good advice. Maybe you should be a therapist when you grow up, just like your dad."
I said, "Maybe a musical therapist. Just like April is going to be a musical vet."
And Eva kind of frowned and said, "Whatever." Then Pater came out and called her into her appointment, so I went inside to help Mater get dinner ready. She has been spending a lot of time on her assignments for the creative writing class, so I have been chopping most of the carrot and celery sticks lately.
Sincerely, Gerald
At 8:01 PM,
April Patterson said…
ger, it was v. nice of u 2 give eva tips abt her appt w/yr dad. i guess i can understand that she'd b scared of being erased again. major traum.
apes
At 8:37 PM,
duncan anderson said…
OMG, OMG, OMG. I wish the world had ended yesterday so I wldnt of bn alive 2day.
Evas bn following me around all day & talking 2 herself. Sorry if u r reading this, Eva, but u r bat**** crazy. Im not yr cowboy. Im not ne1s cowboy. I dont want 2 b a cowboy. I didnt even play cowboys & aboriginal canadians when I was a kid, ok?
Zed & I went 2 c Dr P aft skool 2 pick up my letter of reference. I was 2 nervous 2 read it while I was w8ing 4 my appointment w/ my lawyer, so Zed read it. I asked her if it was a good letter & she said not really. Then my mom got there & read it. She freaked. She got a fotocopy of the letter & left. Zed had 2 leave 2 pick up Upchuck Wallace from skool, so I was alone w/ this letter.
Then my lawyer called me in. I gave him the letter & he was ROTFL. He kept trying 2 read it 2 me but then hed start laffing again. Sorry, Apes, my lawyer thinks yr dad is bat**** crazy 2. He told me the letter was no good 4 court. Then he told me 4 like the 20th time that Im boned.
So then I went home. My mom was still saying things that wld get me grounded til I was 18 if I said them. She says Dr P will have a better letter 4 me 2morrow. As soon as my dad got home from work my mom gave him the letter. My dad didnt laff @ all. He just said, my model HO scale railway is the best in Mboro, not the 2nd best. I dont think he said the rite thing. Now my mom & dad r fiting again. Im down in the rec room blasting Zeds Downward Spiral CD but I can still hear them.
I think mayB I shld of read that letter. Ill try 2 find it when my 'rents go 2 sleep.
L8r.
At 9:49 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, dunc, i m so sorry my dad's letter wasn't ne gd, esp after u went 2 the trub of b-ing all nice 2 him an' putting up w/him. yeah, he'z pretty crazy!
apes
At 11:34 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, u wud not b-lieve wut eva & i r doin’. she called me up 2nite & sed, “jeremy. dr. f sez i needa a healthy & age-appropriate way 2 xxpress my sexuality. my mom freaked out, but aftah she got called by the principal yestahday she iz goin’ along w/it. come ovah. i need ur help w/sumthin’” so i got ovah 2 eva’z place & her mom & dad met me @the door. eva’z dad sed, “i don’t trust ne teenaged boyz.” eva sed, “jeremy iz a devoted truth teller. he duzn’t lie.” mom sed, “ur not much of a player ru, jeremy?” i sed, “no. not rilly.” eva’z dad sed, “how can i tell if he iz lyin’ or not?” eva sed, “ask him sum question that guys usually lie ‘bout.” eva’z dad sed, “ok. how long ru, jeremy?” i sed, “1.7 metrez.” eva’z dad sed, “smartass. i mean ur man part.” i sed, “do i hafta answer that?” eva sed, “4 me, jeremy. i need ur help.” i sed, “iz it all rite if i just tell ur dad?” eva’z dad sed, “all rite.” i whispered a number 2 eva’z dad & he sed, “well ur obviously not frum africa. i guess u can b trusted, but these r the rulez. u do not touch eva. she only touchez u. if u touch her, ur gonna find my kenyan foot n ur canadian butt.” i sed, “don’t touch eva. i got it.” so, this iz rilly weird. eva iz watchin’ a censored version of girls gone wild, which meanz it looks kinda like the tv commercialz. wenever eva seez sumthin’ n the video thass n theze notes dr. f gave her, she’z suppozed 2 try it on me. the freaky part iz her dad iz n the room w/us watchin’ me rilly close. i dunno if it iz helpin’ eva’z psychosexuality but i think mine iz not gonna b the same.
At 11:35 PM,
duncan anderson said…
My 'rents have finally stopped screaming @ each other & my mom's gone 2 bed. I can hear my dad pacing around the kitchen. I almost went upstairs 2 ask him 4 the letter & then I remembered that hes the d00d whos going 2 rat on me on Tues. I bet he has 2 sleep on the living room couch 2nite. Im going 2 try 2 stay awake til he goes 2 sleep so I can get the letter. Im playing With Teeth now. Faustus rilly likes that CD hes rubbing up against the speaker. Falstaff is still hiding sumwhere.
L8r.
At 11:40 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. If your friend Duncan needs a note, he should come to me. After all, I am the writer in the family and not dad. I think you said it was a courtroom case and I really have been anxious to write a courtroom drama. I can waive my customary fee for the opportunity to get a foothold in the lucrative courtroom drama writing business.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 11:54 PM,
howard said…
April,
Two shows tonight, since Arne the magician is out tonight taking his writing class. I am going to have to change my act from this full makeup thing. The number of people in my dressing room who want to apply makeup to my body is getting a little ridiculous. Plus I heard comments tonight about how the regular guests want to look at someone else’s naked body. I overheard Thorvald talking about how Becky might be willing to expose herself to forward her career, when I reminded him that Becky was only 15 and such an act would be very illegal. Thorvald muttered something about how 15-years-old was a mature age for a Viking woman, but then he let the idea alone.
I understand Gerald is considering a career in music therapy. When I was still in the Milborough Training School for Boys, and my parents had not yet kicked me out of the house, I did consider that as a career. The opportunity to use music to help people appealed to me greatly. But my financial fortunes changed once I managed to escape from, pardon me, I mean graduate from the Milborough Training School for Boys. If Gerald wants any advice on music therapy as a career choice, I will be glad to tell him what I know. I don’t know anything about musical vet schools yet. Sorry. I’ll keep looking.
Howard K.
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