Mike tries a funny with FEEL!
I got another Dee-mail, peeps! Here goez:
So, like Jeremy sed, there'z a big English exam 2day. Wish us luck!
Gerald, 2 answer yr question, I think 2 kidz wd B a gd amount. I can't imagine having 12!!!
Apes
'April'!Dee, guess what? I totally believe you about the hair thing. My hair actually sproingz back in2 that awful propellor bun, of its own volition, and has done so right in the salon, sorta like what U R describing. I guess we both have cursed hair! It really sucks, but I feel a bit less alone knowing sum1 else is going thru the same thing.
I don't know about your 'brother' sometimes! Once Robin's fever was down, he'd stopped crying, even though the poor 'dear' was still in pain. As I was putting him down, I started to say to 'Michael', "If he starts again, the neighbours downstairs will be..." But before I'd finished my 'sentence', he cut me 'off': "Morons! They complain even if we're quiet." As I was closing the door to the chidren's 'room', I told 'Michael' that Robin was asleep and I said "I'm exhausted and grimy and I feel terrible!" And 'April', you would not believe what your brother 'did' just then. He sidled up behind me, put a 'hand' on my shoulder, and 'said', "You feel pretty good to me!"
'Really', April, I know Mike is a 'writer' and all, and that your family has this whole 'wordplay' tradition. But was I in the mood for a play on 'feel' as in the emotions and perceptions that I'm experiencing 'versus' the 'feel' of Mike likes the way my flesh 'feels' when he touches it? No, April, I was 'not'. I am pretty sure I had a gobsmacked expression 'on' my face when your 'big' brother said that. What made him think he was going to 'get' any nookie under the circumstances?
But you know what? And I know I'm completely changing the subject, but then again, so did Mike, 'so' I feel 'entitled'. I looked in the mirror after Mike attempted that 'wordplay', and with my hair sort of tousled and messy, I was reminded how much better I'd look with a more 'flattering' haircut. I wish I'd never gotten this hideous bowlcut, April. Would you believe that every time I try to change it, it just springs right back into the bowl shape? I've even had Marjee razor the ends and taper the sides, and the hair actually grew right back, before our very eyes! I know how crazy that sounds, 'April', but it's absolutely true!
'Dee'
So, like Jeremy sed, there'z a big English exam 2day. Wish us luck!
Gerald, 2 answer yr question, I think 2 kidz wd B a gd amount. I can't imagine having 12!!!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:52 AM
27 Comments:
At 8:53 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings from your niinim (sister-in-law) and I must admit I am confused. My sweet girl has told me many times, nothing gets a Patterson woman in the mood for some kissing, like verbal wordplay. I thought a “play on ‘feel’ as in the emotions and perceptions your niinim (sister-in-law) was experiencing versus the way her flesh ‘feels’ when she is touched” was pretty good. I can tell your noos (brother) is a writer. I wish I could think of something like that. I know it would work on my sweet girl. I am not very good at puns. I can tell your sister holds back physical affection until I get better. I can pick her up and swing her around, but it has been awhile since we…I had a good pun. Are you sure the “feel” wordplay didn’t work on your niinim (sister-in-law)?
I hope your nindoozhim (nephew) feels better soon.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 9:13 AM,
howard said…
April,
My aunt Winnie thinks that with a sick baby in the apartment above her, she and Melville Kelpfroth are showing admirable restraint on the ceiling banging. The floors are so thin, they can hear every word your brother and sister-in-law say. I am been down there before. It is like an echo chamber of every little thing that goes on upstairs. So, my aunt Winnie and uncle Mel were pretty mad when your brother called them “Morons!” However, when your brother tried to get some action with your sister-in-law after your nephew finally went to sleep, my uncle Melville said, “Now there’s a moron. No wonder we haven’t heard sex sounds on that squeeky bed of theirs since the first day they moved in.” Then apparently your brother tried several more wordplay sexual overture lines and was shot down again and again. My aunt and uncle said it was very entertaining. In fact, they said they laughed until their sides hurt. And as my aunt Winnie put it, “All that laughing just got me in the mood.” And then she told me details I won’t share with you.
All those things aside, I and my aunt and uncle Kelpfroth hope your nephew gets better.
As for your sister-in-law’s hair, I remember very well the day in Sugar’s salon she had Marjee razor the ends and taper the sides, and the hair actually grew right back, before our very eyes. What she didn’t tell you is that then she asked Marjee to cut off all her hair, as an experiment. Marjee shaved off all your sister-in-law’s hair until she was bald, and then it grew right back to a bowl haircut. I think your sister-in-law was going to go to an electrolysis hair removal place after that. I don’t know how that went, but given that your sister is still talking about her hair, I can guess what happened.
Howard K.
At 11:46 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, eva & i r totally reddy 4 the big english exam 2day. i hadn’t studied skool stuff w/her since she wuz nvisible & stayin’ @my place all the tyme back n march. i 4got how much fun it iz 2 study w/her. i shud say, “charmin’ & disarmin’” eva haz a beautiful smirk. we stayed up rilly l8 studyin’ @her house. her ‘rents r totally cube w/that cuz they know eva stayed w/me aftah they were erased. they don’t remembah b-ing erased, but they b-lieve eva, wen she sed it happed. plus she showed them a lotta proof, like clothez & stuff she got wen she wuz livin’ w/me.
neway, ur bro’s lame “feel” line wuz just sad. wen a girl haz gone thru hourz of dealin’ w/a cryin’ baby, thass totally the wrong tyme 2 try nething. evn i know that & i am no good w/peeps who cry. the best tyme 2 try a kiss iz wen the girl iz n a good mood frum accomplishin’ sumthin’, like wen u have finished drillin’ her on an upcomin’ english xxam, & she got every answer rite & she knowz she iz gonna ace it. thass a good tyme 2 try sumthin’.
At 11:49 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I don’t like it when people call other people “Morons!” It is not nice and hurts their feelings. Your brother should a different word like “Silly” or “Nincompoop”. Those are nicer.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 11:56 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I am so exhausted from last night. It took forever to get my son to fall asleep. I wanted to take all his pain and discomfort on me. “Let me carry your pain. Let me have the earache,” I said to him. But, alas, such was not to be. He cried himself into exhausted unconsciousness. After our son was asleep, seeing my effort and labour was just the thing to get Deanna excited. She made a few puns to try to get me in the mood, but I said, “No, Deanna. You’re exhausted and grimy and you must feel terrible. Let us forgo carnal knowledge, until you are feeling better.” That was just the thing Dee needed to hear. As my pretty wife got into bed with me, she told me how lucky she was to have such a compassionate husband. At that moment, her skin and her lips and her bowl haircut never looked lovelier. Little sis, I chose well, when I chose Deanna.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 1:09 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest April flower,
You have expressed a desire to have only two children. I am heartbroken. In Milborough, most married couples have two children, unless they are selfish people (Mrs. McGuire) or bad with birth control (your parents). Having two children is so ordinary. I don't want us to be ordinary. I want our family to be extraordinary.
Since the most children any family in Milborough ever had is three, we should have at least four. That is where I'm drawing the line, my fecund little floribunda.
Devotedly, Gerald
At 1:13 PM,
Anonymous said…
Just so you all know, while I do find wordplay to be enjoyable and...er, stimulating, if I'd been up for nights on end with a screaming child, I do not think I would be in the mood to hear any. Even when I am in a good mood, I only feel like expressing physical affection occasionally. Paul, remember, even when I am in a very good, romantic mood, and we are dancing in our socks, you pursue and I withdraw.
Liz
At 1:49 PM,
howard said…
April,
Becky and I only plan to have 2 children. 1 boy and 1 girl. Of course, if the first 2 children are both boys or both girls, then perhaps we would need to go for a 3rd child. Becky is adamant that we will not have 4 children, because of her fear that her bosom would be in her shoes before she is 30. It sounds a little odd, but back in my circus days there was a woman whose act did involve her ability to walk, run, skip rope and tap-dance on her bosoms. It was very interesting to watch, and I do believe she had more children than 4. Men really loved her show.
Howard K.
At 2:17 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i’m so glad 2 read gigli considers my fam 2b less than ordinary, cuz i am the only kid. if i thot gigli knew nething ‘bout this stuff, i wud care, but i don’t. eva & i kicked butt & took namez on the english exam. i am so gonna keep studyin’ w/her.
At 2:27 PM,
Anonymous said…
Gisli Aloysiusson,
If Adalbjorg Ellysdottir does not want to have 4 children with you, I do. A good Viking woman does not fear her boobs will stretch. That is what breast plates are for.
Ragnhild Gordonsdottir
At 6:32 PM,
April Patterson said…
paul, u saw 4 yrself what dee sed, so u can c that the wordplay did not "work" on her, unless by "work" u mean "annoy".
mike, we all saw what dee had 2 say, so don't try turning stuff around like she was the one doing the inapprope wordplay!
ger, our kidz wd b so extraordinary that having 2 wdn't matter. i won't rule out 4, but i think it wd b smart 4 us 2 w8 until we c how we are w/2 b4 we decided 2 go 4 a bigger fam than that. don't u think that makes sense?
step off rosemary, ger'z mine!
At 6:50 PM,
Anonymous said…
Jeremy is an excellent study partner! I aced that exam like crazy! I feel a charming and disarming look coming on!
Eva
At 8:15 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Think about Dee’s story and my story logically. Which one of us was born a Patterson? Which one of us has had their entire lives informed by the romantic wordplay of our parents? Which of us is likely to respond, when our loved one uses romantic wordplay? If you answer that triumvirate of tantalizing interrogatories, you will see it make no logical sense for me to try romantic wordplay on Deanna.
You have a boyfriend. Does he get excited when you pun? Or do you get excited when he puns? Our beloved sister, Lizardbreath, wrote just today that she found wordplay to be enjoyable and stimulating. I am positive when you turn your mind to these thoughts, you will see I am right and Dee is wrong.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 8:19 PM,
Anonymous said…
Gisli Aloysiusson,
Adalbjorg Ellysdottir does not want to commit to have 4 children with you. She says wait and see. A good Viking woman is strong. A good Viking woman keeps promises. I promise if we marry, we will have 4 strong Viking children.
Ragnhild Gordonsdottir
At 8:26 PM,
April Patterson said…
dee, mike's calling u a liar!
mike, when ger punz, i roll my eyez. like a normal person. punz do not make me hot. when i pun, i apologize and lock myself in my room 4 having an embarrassing slip-up.
rosemary, step off. btw, u r not a viking woman. or a viking nething. & what else? oh, rite, step off. ger'z my bf!
apes
At 8:26 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, eva & i r @the mboro public library doin’ our independent study projects where we hafta use actual books n our bibliographiez. we’re not allowed 2 talk much n here, but smirks r v.v. quiet. i am so charmed & disarmed by her. we r zippin’ thru this independent study project. i think we will both b done by 2nite no prob. we alreddy have all our notez frum the encyclopedia britannica & the library iz ‘bout 2 close. then it’s back 2 eva’z 2 rite all the stuff up. hope ur independent study project iz goin’ az well.
At 8:29 PM,
Anonymous said…
Adalbjorg Ellysdottir,
Promise you'll have 4 children with Gisli Aloysiusson and I might step off. And I am too a Viking. I have a Viking name. So there!
Ragnhild Gordonsdottir
At 8:37 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. You lock yourself in your room for having an embarrassing slip-up. That is just like me and dad and Lizardbreath. I go to my attic. Dad has his train room. And Lizardbreath outdid us all with a whole town in the Northwest to hide away in.
I don’t understand why puns don’t get you excited. You could be in denial of your family traits, or your boyfriend may not be very good at punning. You have all the other features though. Like me, your hairstyle rarely changes. Like me, your body alters unexpectedly. Like me, you are very talented and creative. I wonder why you don’t react to puns. Curiouser and curiouser, as Alice would say. Well, maybe your love of puns will come when you hit puberty.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 8:41 PM,
April Patterson said…
"ragnhild gordonsdottir",
if u step off, mayB i will not destroy every last bratz doll u have & give away all yr pink dresses.
apes/adalbjorg ellysdottir
p.s. jeremy, the independent-study is goin' well, thanx 4 asking. ger & i have been helping ea other while ger is bizzy telling me he'z glad i'm not a presumptuous six-year-old girl, & that never in a million yrs will he even consider marrying a certain girl who fits that description. (hint, hint, rosemary.)
p.p.s. mike, i'm 15. i've already hit puberty, u foob!
At 8:47 PM,
Anonymous said…
Adalbjorg Ellysdottir,
I knew you wouldn't promise. Don't you dare touch my Bratz dolls or pink dresses. I'll tell. You're mean. I didn't say anything mean about you. You're a big old meanie beanie.
Ragnhild Gordonsdottir
At 8:53 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. 15, eh? How time flies. It seems like just last autumn when mom was telling me how she had to rock you on her lap to get you to calm down about a facial blemish. Well, I suppose you had to grow up eventually. I hope womanhood is treating you well.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 8:53 PM,
April Patterson said…
u know what's mean? threatening 2 steal sumbody's bf. esp. when that sum1 has taken care of u many times, played w/u, rocked u, told u storiez, & defended u against yr brother. only meanie beaniez act that way.
whatev i promise w/ger is betw. me & ger & no1 else's biz. if u were not a meanie beanie u wd know that.
apes
At 10:06 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, meanie beanie? fitin’ w/a 6-year-old? ur losin’ sum cube points 4 that 1. wen kidz call me old man & stuff, i usually let it slide u know. mebbe u wanna calm down a little.
eva & i r done with our independent study projects & we went to horny tim’z 2 celebr8. if ur still up, come on ovah. that iz assumin’ ur done fitin’ w/rosemary.
At 12:32 AM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest April flower,
I do not appreciate the way you are trying to dismiss my feelings about the size of our future family by saying that your preference is the best one, without any empirical evidence to back up that assertion.
As Ms. Addingupp will tell you, four is greater than two. That is my empirical evidence.
And while you are still my fertile little foxglove, please do not be mean to my friend Ragnhild Gordonsdottir. She is only 6. You are 15. It is immature and cruel of you to be mean to her. Her crush on me should be treated with kind indulgence. Pater says that squashing a child's sexual and romantic feelings right before they enter latency can greatly damage their psychosexual development.
Devotedly, Gerald
At 1:05 AM,
Anonymous said…
Gisli Aloysiusson,
I knew you would come to my rescue. You're my hero. I want 4 children. Remember that.
Ragnhild Gordonsdottir
At 1:11 AM,
Anonymous said…
gerald, in ms. addingupp’s case, two iz gr8er than 4, if u know wut i mean. ow! eva duzn’t like my math humour again.
At 2:32 AM,
Anonymous said…
Dear Jeremy,
I believe Ms. Addingupp's two are 4Ds.
Sincerely, Gerald
Post a Comment
<< Home