Jesse wants Lizzie's stuff!
I guess Liz is in an e-mailing mood, cuz she sent me another 1:
Howard, thanx 4 telling us abt that salon visit fr. Carleen. I was a bit confused abt the whole thing where Mike's letter this month sed Weed's 'rents had just helped him buy the bldg his studio was in. Cuz I thot he already owned it. So now we know he just let his 'rents think they were buying it 4 him, and really they bot it from Weed 4 Weed. Way 2 make even more $, eh?
L8r, gatorz!
Apes
Dear April,And there's the latest from my big sis.
Let me tell you what happened after Jesse told me about that offensive "Coffee Cake" nickname. Well, I let him follow me into the apartment, and right away, he was asking me, "Got any cookies?" So, I asked him, "Jesse, do you come here to visit me, or to raid my kitchen?" And the little scamp, he said "Both!" Once we were seated at my kitchen table, and Jesse had his cookie, he asked me, "Miss Patterson? How long are you gonna stay in Mtigwaki?" And I said, "Good question." Notice I didn't exactly answer. I hate it when people try to pin me down with questions like that. Why must people always come at me with the questions. "How long are you going to stay here? Do you have a boyfriend? Are you in love? What did you tell Anthony when he said 'Wait for me'? Do you want fries with that?" I wish people would just be quiet and wait and see if I'm ready to volunteer any information. Anyway, next thing I knew, Jesse was telling me, "'Cause I dreamed you went away. I dreamed that you flew up into the sky." I responded, "Really. Was I a bird or an angel?" Jesse said, "You were an angel. ....'Cause you left me your stereo." Well, I felt my eyes bug out, but good, because all this time I thought this boy had some real affection for me. And now it seems he really won't miss me as long as he gets to pick and choose from my possessions. I must say, April, that really stings!
But here's another thing. Although I said "Was I a bird or an angel?" I was actually thinking, "Did I fly in a plane or a helicopter?" Because the first thing I thought of when he told me he'd dreamed about me flying up into the sky was, "Oh, my God, does that mean Warren's coming back?" And it was so strange, because I haven't thought about Warren since he gave me a lift home for the holidays. But I felt a little tingly when I thought about him. Oh, well, I'm sure that doesn't mean anything!
Take care,
Liz
Howard, thanx 4 telling us abt that salon visit fr. Carleen. I was a bit confused abt the whole thing where Mike's letter this month sed Weed's 'rents had just helped him buy the bldg his studio was in. Cuz I thot he already owned it. So now we know he just let his 'rents think they were buying it 4 him, and really they bot it from Weed 4 Weed. Way 2 make even more $, eh?
L8r, gatorz!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:44 AM
8 Comments:
At 9:58 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i know things r diff up n the nw, but i dunno ne of my teacherz i wud wanna get a stereo frum. evn if there wuz a teach w/a rilly good stereo, i dunno ne teach i wud go 2 their house & say, “ru leavin’ cuz if ur, i want ur stereo.” n fact, i don’t evn like c-ing my teacherz n real life much. so i am pretty sure i wudn’t go 2 their house 2 hang out & beg 4 cookiez. evn wen i wuz little, i wudn’t do that. mebbe thass the 1st nations way, or mebbe this 1 kid iz like, crayzee. that line ‘bout how he dreamed ur sis flew up n the sky iz kinda odd. u know sum1 can fly up n2 the sky frum like a catapult or frum an xxplosion. i wud tell ur sis 2 keep an eye on this kid & not sit newhere he tellz her 2 sit. i wuz thrown up n the air by xxplodin’ clownz 1ce & it is not fun. i still have scarz.
speakin’ of xxperiences that r not fun, i got a lovely visit frum pierce inverarity & his palz this mornin’ & got 2 xxperience a wedgie 4 the 1st tyme n a rilly long tyme. lemme tell u, it iz an xxperience that duz not get bettah w/age. it iz worth it tho, cuz, i think i 4got 2 tell u yestahday, i gotta call frum dirne 2 meet her n downtown mboro. so went 2 downtown. just az i wuz ‘bout there, an old man passed by me headed the othah way & sed, “watch out, old man. there’z teenagerz n the downtown. u shud turn ‘round while u can b4 they rob u or get lice on u.” i didn’t turn ‘round, cuz i wuz lookin’ 4 dirne. when got 2 the downtown, there wuz zenia, zahava, zainab, zapata, zenobia & zandra all decked out n goth gear & pickin’ up trash. the only 1 of these i felt comfortable talkin’ 2 wuz zandra, cuz we did the shakespeare 2gethah & she wuz the only 1 w/hair that wuzn’t black. i sed 2 zandra, “have u seen dirne ‘round here, like mebbe disguised az a trash can or a bush?” zandra sed, “thass a strange question, evn 4u, jeremy. no. i haven’t seen dirne, not that i’m lookin’.” i sed, “so iz thiz goth girl earth day or sumthin’?” zandra kinda hissed @me, “no. community service hourz cuz of the goth menace.” i sed, “oh, yeah. the principal iz whacked. do u mind if i help u? while i’m lookin’ ‘round 4 trash, i mite b able 2 spot where dirne iz hidden.” zandra sed, “knock urself out.”
so i wuz pickin’ up trash & this z-girl came ovah by me. i didn’t know if it wuz zenia, zahava, zainab, zapata, or zenobia, since i get them confuzed. she sed, “ru njoyin’ pickin’ up trash, jeremy?” i sed, “not rilly…um…zenia?” she sed, “i’m not zenia. zenia iz ovah there. ooh. jeremy jonez, my disguise haz fooled u. i am gettin’ bettah.” i sed, “dirne?” dirne sed, “yes.” i sed, “ur not wearin’ designer.” dirne sed, “a true goth girl duzn’t wear nething designer. i feel so rebellious n this disguise.” i sed, “u dyed ur hair black.” dirne sed, “but of course not. it’s a wig.” i sed, “oh, good.” dirne sed, “let’s go ovah 2 the alley.” so we did & we kissed a little. i sed, “how’z it goin’ gettin’ rid of pierce?” dirne sed, “gettin’ rid of pierce iz not goin’ az well az i thot. pierce haz a temper, but he duzn’t show it n fronta my ‘rents or me. he haz been actin’ like a perfect gentlemen. altho i unnerstand that iz not how he haz been w/u.” i sed, “thass rite. i think he iz gettin’ hiz anger fix w/me.” sum1 came ovah & sed, “u don’t get community service hourz 4 kissin’ old men.” so dirne hadta go back & pick up trash. i picked up trash w/her 4 awhile. i smelled bad aftahwardz, but it wuz gr8 gettin’ 2 spend tyme w/dirne again. it wuz worth wutevah pierce inverarity duz 2 me.
At 9:59 AM,
howard said…
April,
This may sound strange, but I am actually pretty glad Jesse Mukwa treated your sister and her potential departure from Mtigwaki so cavalierly and rudely. It is a sign her Patterson allure is reduced. When I worked with your sister last summer at Lakeshore Landscaping, she told stories about how Jesse Mukwa poured his heart out to her about how he was afraid she wouldn’t come back and your sister spoke at length about the joy of knowing you are having a positive effect on someone. I know now it was her Patterson allure working. If Jesse is able to resist it then, well there is only one thing it can mean: Your sister must have done something to affect her appearance, like put on weight, or a new hairstyle, or even frumpier clothes than she wore before. I am relieved because it means that I may not have to retreat away from her, when she returns to Milborough in the summer. Since I am engaged to Becky, I am pretty sure she would not want me among the men chasing after your sister come June.
By the by, in case she did not tell you already, Becky was completely successful in getting Taylor Morgan’s attention yesterday. I would give you the details, but I know Becky wants to tell you herself. I can however, tell you that Becky doesn’t like the fact that Becky Morgan is the name of a famous women’s golfer. I don’t follow the sport myself, but the name Becky Kelpfroth is not used by anyone I know of, even in my family’s history.
Howard K.
At 2:27 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, @lunch 2day i got sympathy 4 the mornin’ wedgie, evn tho the girls cudn’t rilly rel8 2y thoze don’t feel so good. i also got sympathy wen i walked by the table where dirne wuz sittin’ w/pierce inverarity & suddenly found myself on the ground w/my face n the food. 4tun8ly, it wuz just a chicken wrap, so it wuzn’t 2 messy. shannon sed, “i…h8…thoze…guyz. i…have…a…rocket…ship…2…the…moon…4…them.” eva sed, “i can’t b-lieve dirne just lets her ‘rents tell her who her bf iz. & i can’t b-lieve she iz ovah there laffin’ wen u got tripped.” i sed, “don’t worry. it’s all an act, cuz she thinks a gf shud support her bf n protectin’ hiz alpha male status.” shannon sed, “jeremy. u…shud…wondah…how…many…tymez…she…did…the…same…thing…2u.” i sed, “wutya mean?” shannon sed, “actin’.” i sed, “i am sure dirne wuz completely honest w/me. she’z just actin’ 4 pierce.” shannon sed, “if…ur…gonna…b…mr. honest, u…shud…b…honest…w/urself.” eva sed, “shannon’s rite. the whole idea of a rilly pretty girl who dresses high class like she duz, b-ing w/u duzn’t make ne sense.” i sed, “thanx 4 the compliments u2. it makes me feel so much bettah.”
then vicki simone sat down w/us. she sed, “i like dirne, but i can’t sit w/thoze guyz nemore.” shannon & eva were kinda silent. i sed, “i’m glad ur back, vicki. i missed eatin’ w/u. how’s gordie?” vicki sed, “still recoverin’. the idiot tried usin’ a hospital gurney az a sk8board & he reinjured himself.” shannon sed, “a…gurney. thass…kinda…big…2…board…on.” vicki sed, “i know. & now so duz gordie.” vicki sed, “eva. how r thingz goin’ w/u & the band?” eva sed, “ we r practicin’ pretty regularly now. we started practicin’ n april’s basement, which wuz a mistake, but april nsisted. her mom & dad can’t stand the musick & complain ‘bout it all the tyme we r there. i dunno y we cudn’t keep on practicin’ @gerald’s house. hiz mom iz afraid 2 come 2 the garage cuz she mite get dirty.” i sed, “thass strange. cuz i thot i remembahed a long tyme ago april talkin’ ‘bout her mom & dad complainin’ ‘bout the band b4. i dunno y she wud wanna go back 2 practicin’ there either.”
vicki sed, “u got sum1 2 play keyboard, yet? gordie haz been askin’.” eva sighed a big sigh. then she sed, “it’s been ovah a month since we decided 2 add sum1 @keyboard & it still hazn’t happed. i ask gerald & duncan ‘bout it, but they alwayz give n2 april. & april just sayz, ‘we may bring sum1 else n.’ but then nothin’ evah happs.” shannon sed, “april…iz…kinda…slow…‘bout…thoze…kinda…thingz. it…takes…her…4evah…2…respond…2…my…e -mails.” i sed, “& her dad just spent 6 months tryin’ 2 figger out if he wunted 2 buy a car.” vicki sed, “& her mom spent 3 years tryin’ 2 figger out if she wunted 2 retire.” eva sed, “so it’s sum kinda famly thing, the reazn april can’t d-cide ‘bout a keyboardist” i sed, “aftah all, rebeccah left their band back n june, but it took them till march 2 evn bring u n2 replace her az a singah.” eva sed, “don’t remind me.” then she did her april imitation, “i’m so glad ur w/us. u just do vocalz 4 fun. ur voice is a major change 4 our sound. becky's voice wuz totally different. no1 will b able 2 mistake us 4 the old 4 evah.” we thot her imitation wuz pretty good. then eva sed, “i am soooo tired of b-ing compared 2 becky.” i sed, “wut’s this ‘bout the ‘old 4 evah’? ru renaming the band the ‘new 4 evah’?” eva sed, “don’t evn get me started ‘bout the name. it’s just anothah thing i can’t get ne1 2 do nething ‘bout.” shannon sed, “@least…ur…practicin’.” vicki sed, “lemme know if u want gordie 2 do keyboardz.” eva sed, “if i cud get gerald or duncan 2 agree, then i wud say yes to gordie, rite now.”
shannon sed, “how…r…thingz…w/duncan?” i sed, “shannon! don’t ask that!” vicki sed, “y? wut’s up?” eva sed, “it’s all rite, jeremy. i know duncan iz w/zandra. when he looked @me & smiled @the shakespeare disaster, i thot there mite b sumthin’. but no. i can accept it now. he’z just a rilly cute & adorable guy who playz n the same band as me.” shannon sed, “sorry. i…didn’t…mean…2…bring…it…up.” eva sed, “thass ok. i am all rite w/it.” then, of course she started cryin’ & i am no good w/girlz that cry. shannon & vicki were huggin’ her & i kinda patted her back a little. thass how lunch went.
At 3:28 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Now that Jesse Mukwa let the "cat out of the bag" about my nickname, everyone in town feels free to use it. It's so embarrassing! As I was walking to school this morning, Gary Crane ran up alongside me and said, "Thought I'd drop by for some Coffee Cake," and laughed. Then, just before the lunch hour, Jesse Mukwa and Cody Spearheart had an argument over "who Coffee Cake liked more."
Then, when I went into Goulais Grocery after school, Phil Goulais leaned over the counter, winked at me, and asked, "How much does a little Coffee Cake cost, anyway?" I was confused, and I told him that since he was the grocer, he should know. And he said, "Something tells me you're the one who calls all the shots when it comes to who gets Coffee Cake, and how much he pays." That left me pretty freaked out, so I went home, locked the door, and drew the drapes closed.
Then I sat in the dark for an hour with your email, trying to figure out what exactly you meant by "your old friend Anthony just split up with his wife." I mean, what am I supposed to do with information like that?
Freaked out and confused, Liz
At 3:45 PM,
Anonymous said…
i rote a litel song abowt my teechir. it gos lik this.
cofee cake
u ar such a hotty
u keep me awayk
dreeming of yor body
your cofee cake
wish i cold by sum
maks my loyns ache
eet evrey last crumm
of your cofee cake
u only sell it to that pig
his boanes i wold brake
if he wuzn't so big
he eets my cofee cake
wenevir he wants
i gess i just hav two take
charje and steal wat i want
that's yor cofee cake
mak you give it two me
giv me wat it is that u bake
betwen the sheets
now yor my cofee cake
til the end of tim
and i wil drowen in the lake
aneyone who seys yor not mine
i think its pritty good.
--jesse
At 6:36 PM,
April Patterson said…
wow, becks, that's cube abt yr dad w/taylor. he'z v. cute & smart, 2. cube abt the gig, 2!
jeremy, sorry u r having such a bad time l8ly. cdn't dirne find a "gd gf" xcuse 2 get her current bf 2 stop whaling on her ex-bf?
liz, it just meanz what it meanz. it's not, like, code 4 nething else.
howard, i have no idea if liz has changed her appearance.
apes
At 6:38 PM,
howard said…
April,
A lot of last minute cancellations mean more work for me. Arne the magician told Thorvald McGuire he can’t show up for his Thursday show again, because his nephew died. Apparently, his name was Jonathan Larson and he died due to an aneurysm from Marfan's syndrome, which occurred while he was negotiating an apartment rent dispute between two guys named Mark and Roger and their landlord Benjamin Coffin, III. With all those details, it sounded pretty authentic to me, so I agreed to fill in for Arne once again. Arne’s act has been adding more of an illusion aspect to it lately, while still maintaining its anti-teen attitude. His disappearing and reappearing lice trick is truly creepy and gets to the old folks audience, who by and large consider the youth of Milborough to be a fairly filthy and depraved bunch.
Then Becky came up to me and said, “Howie. I decided I am keeping my married name.” To which I responded, “You’re not married are you?” She said, “No, Howie. I mean your name. When we are married, I am keeping your name.” To which I responded, “Instead of your maiden name.” She said, “No. Instead of keeping the name of the guy I am dating.” To which I responded, “Is that something McGuires do?” Becky said, “Howie. You know sometimes mom calls herself Mrs. McCaulay, rite?” To which I responded, “Yes.” Becky said, “Then, like that.” To which I responded, “You’re saying that instead of doing what your mom does and calling herself by the name of someone she wants to marry, you will keep the last name of the person you have married, and not use the last name of the person you want to marry, even though you are not married.” Becky said, “Exactly. That’s not so hard to understand, is it, Howie?” I said, “I guess not.”
Then Becky asked me if I could substitute for her on Friday night, so she could go on her date with Taylor Morgan. She said please a lot and mentioned I was her fiancé a lot, and I said, “Becky. You know I would do anything for you. You don’t have to bat your eyes at me.” She seemed to be a little disappointed I was looking at her eyes, but happy I agreed.
We had decided to go shopping for something for her to wear on Friday night for her date, when I was distracted by the sight of something I had not expected to see. It was your grandpa Jim and his dog, Dixie. They were both wearing capes. I parked the car and Becky and I went to see what was going on.
As I approached your grandpa Jim, he said, “Ah, Coward. It’s good to see you. Is there anything you need to have rescued? I, G-Man and my faithful canine ally – D-Dog, will come to the rescue.” Becky said, “It’s finally happened. April’s grandpa has gone crazy.” Your grandpa was wearing long winter underwear with a G written in marker on the front and had a cape (towel) on. I said, “What is the deal with the outfit and the cape?” He said, “I like wearing a superhero cape because it opens at the front - unlike the gowns I'm forced into every so often.” I told him that made sense and Becky said, “I’m glad he’s not wearing a hospital gown, although he probably needs to.”
I said, “So what is the deal with G-man?” Your grandpa said, “It’s for Geriatric. I just finished saving someone in my building and so I thought it would be good to save some other people.” Becky said, “Right. What did you do to save someone? Pick up his walker after it fell?” Your grandpa said, “Sarcastic teenager. You should get the lice out of your hair and listen to the story of a real hero. Iris and I were in the small garden behind our building. Some of the staff and residents volunteer to keep the plots planted. Iris and I like to take a cup of coffee outside and chat with the others who stop by. Those of us who are supported (by walkers and whatnot) are good at watching what goes on, adding our two bits' worth and calling out encouragement.” Becky said, “You watch other people do gardening for excitement. Howie, if I am like this when get to be his age, promise you will kill me.” Your grandpa said, “Young whippersnapper. You’re interrupting before I get to the exciting part of the story. You better watch out or Coward will teach you a lesson in manners, like he did to those other teenagers.” Becky said, “Howie’s not going to anything like that to me. We’re engaged.” Your grandpa Jim said, “Well. Congratulations, Coward. I like the younger women myself. Iris is 5 years younger than I am, you know.” I said, “Thanks. Becky and I have a few more years between us than 5.” Your grandpa Jim said, “Now keep your teenaged fiancée in line. I have a story to tell.”
He continued, “Among my generation, when you watch gardening, a round of coughing is the same as applause and falling asleep is a compliment. I was watching Iris bend over to take her part in the gardening and I made a remark to my buddy, Frank Thomas how Iris’ bottom could shade most of the garden. Frank Thomas was sitting next to me and starts coughing really loudly, so I knew he was applauding Iris. I said, ‘Thanks for the compliment.’ Then he got quiet and I knew he was falling asleep. I said, ‘Thanks for the compliment again.’ Then Iris turned around and said, ‘Jim. Frank is turning blue.’ I looked at Frank and I saw his hand was in my snack food, Pupsy Yummies. I knew then he was choking on my food he had stolen! The rat! So I gave him a good shot in the stomach with my cane and the Pupsy Yummy popped right out and he was breathing again.” I said, “This doesn’t really sound all that heroic.” Becky said, “It sounds like you just whacked a guy with your cane and you got lucky it got him to spit out your dog food.”
Your grandpa Jim said, “The story is not over yet. I am just trying to keep you in suspenders.” Becky said, “You mean suspense.” Your grandpa Jim said, “Young hooligan. Don’t you keep up with proper slang terms?” Becky said, “Better than the people who write your dialogue do.” I said, “Let’s not fight. What were you saying? There’s more to the story?” Grandpa Jim said, “Well, Mae Thomas, Frank’s wife said I was a hero and I should get some kind of reward. I’m not going to say what the reward was, but let us just say the latest gossip in my building is in regards to a lost set of dentures. Seems they turned up under a bed - and it was not the owner's bed under which they were found!” I said, “You’re saying you were eating something under someone’s bed and you left your dentures there?” Your grandpa Jim said, “No. Don’t you get my subtle allusion? The bed and the dentures did not belong together.” Becky said, “He’s saying that he and this lady did it, under the bed.” Your grandpa Jim said, “Not under the bed. Dentures can roll under a bed.” I said, “You’re saying that when you sleep with someone, you take out your dentures and then they can roll under someone else’s bed.” Becky said, “Ew!! Toothless, gummy kisses.” Your grandpa Jim said, “You have it exactly Coward, only I never said the bed or the dentures were mine.” I said, “Then why are you telling us this story?” Your grandpa Jim said, “Isn’t it obvious?” Becky said, “We can’t follow your old person brain.” Your grandpa Jim, “I am glad you have finally acknowledged that. The point is that the medical reports all say you should keep your body moving and your brains busy.” I said, “What medical reports are those?” Your grandpa Jim said, “It doesn’t matter.” Becky said, “So you banged your friend’s wife. What does this have to do with anything?” Your grandpa Jim said, “I never said I banged anyone, you louse-ridden creature.”
I said, “I still don’t understand why you are wearing this outfit.” Your grandpa Jim said, “After Mae Thomas gave me my reward, which I am not saying what it was, I felt like I was 30 years old again. Some days I still feel like I'm my daughter Elly's age, despite the fact that the face in the mirror has more wrinkles than a helifant's hinie.” Becky said, “That’s the first thing you have said that I believe.” Your grandpa said, “Rude thing. As I was saying, when I feel like I am 30 years old, I can still do all the things I used to do and I have some great adventures when I sleep. Like the adventures of G-Man and D-dog.” I said, “You don’t think you’re sleeping, do you?” Your grandpa Jim, “Keep up Coward. I am awake and my companion D-Dog and I are here to save the day.” Becky said, “Why did you bring your dog with you?” Your grandpa Jim said, “My pretty D-dog is always happy to see me. She has a lot of human traits - in fact, all of the best ones. A dog could never commit premeditated murder - only premeditated lunch, if need be. She is the best kind of companion to have when you are hunting for murderers.” I said, “Are there murderers around?” Your grandpa Jim said, “No, but I could murder a sandwich. It must be about 5 o’clock.” I looked at my watch and it was exactly 5. I said, “It is 5. How did you know?” Your grandpa Jim said, “An army marches on its stomach and an octogenarian tells time with it. Get me to a sandwich shop. G-Man and D-Dog must rescue a sandwich from a terrible fate.” So we had supper with your grandpa Jim and Dixie.
Becky may have more details about what happened after supper, which she may care to tell you or not. I have to get ready for my evening show at the Valhalla.
Howard K.
At 9:49 PM,
April Patterson said…
aw, d00d, i m sorry 2 hear gramps quoted himself fr. the monthly letter 2 u so much 2day, howard. @ least when u r reading the letter, u can skim, which i totally did w/gramps's letter this month, & u can c y, eh?
apes
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