General Anthony Movin' Up, Evil Quebecoise Movin' Out
Doodz, I M sooooo sorry this is l8! Yesterday, I thot I'd left my fone sumwhere, but l8r on, Zandra found a threatening e-mail fr. her lil bro Charles Wallace, mentioning he'd lifted it & was holding it ransom! So I didn't get a chance 2 sit down & write this post till I had a free & cd do it in the school library.
NEway, my Dad's lost it. MayB it's cuz my mom's doing all this "creative non-fiction" now. He totally thinx he hasta write his memoirz, & peeps will B sooooo interested in his life. So this morning, he was sitting in the kitchen talking in2 one of those micro-recorder doohickies. All, "Memoirs of John Patterson, DDS. Trading in my baby, the Bushwacker." Then, I hadta hear the whole Gordo-Anthony narrative again B4 he got 2 his newest installment! If U think this stuff is dull the first time U find out abt it, try hearing it a few times or more! NEway, cuz I luv U all, I won't rehash the old stuff, just pick up where we left off on Sat.
After school, the dram club has a major rehearsal for Mac--er, "The Scottish Play", so I've got my guitar 4 the official musical run-thru. The play goez on Wednesday evening, peeps!
Becks, I'm glad the Gordo-fostering thing is going better than U thot. U will hafta tell us how he doez w/ the yoga an' pilates, LOL! Oh, & I'll bet U wda totally kicked his arse in Monopoly if he hadn't had that wussy panic attack!
Apes
NEway, my Dad's lost it. MayB it's cuz my mom's doing all this "creative non-fiction" now. He totally thinx he hasta write his memoirz, & peeps will B sooooo interested in his life. So this morning, he was sitting in the kitchen talking in2 one of those micro-recorder doohickies. All, "Memoirs of John Patterson, DDS. Trading in my baby, the Bushwacker." Then, I hadta hear the whole Gordo-Anthony narrative again B4 he got 2 his newest installment! If U think this stuff is dull the first time U find out abt it, try hearing it a few times or more! NEway, cuz I luv U all, I won't rehash the old stuff, just pick up where we left off on Sat.
Anthony is such a fine, fine yung man! What a shame he and Liz had to break things off when they did. There is just something about Anthony that I like, like, like! So we were having our coffee in the restaurant @ Gordon's complex, and I told him how I'd heard he was in charge of the garage, the store and the restaurant. And that Gordon had made him General Manager. Then, in a verbal sleight of hand comparable only to me, Anthony said, "I'm the manager, but I'm not much of general." Ha, see what he did there?!? Too bad you don't hear that kind of thing from the young folks more often! I'm sure I had a great big grin on my face when I said, "I'm proud of U, Anthony. U've put a lot in2 this place! U've moved up!--What does Thérèse think?" Suddenly, Anthony looked sad and said, "I don't know, John. ...She's moved out." Hmm, this is all very sad, but I'm sure I can do something uplifting with the "moving up/moving out" contrast. Must give this sum thot.Then, he clicked off his recorder & noticed me 4 the 1st time. "Oh, April! U still have thoze 2 black eyez I mistook 4 goth makeup! Do U feel OK?" & I told him I did but I was stopping off @ the salon B4 school so Marjee cd conceal my black eyez w/theatrical makeup.
After school, the dram club has a major rehearsal for Mac--er, "The Scottish Play", so I've got my guitar 4 the official musical run-thru. The play goez on Wednesday evening, peeps!
Becks, I'm glad the Gordo-fostering thing is going better than U thot. U will hafta tell us how he doez w/ the yoga an' pilates, LOL! Oh, & I'll bet U wda totally kicked his arse in Monopoly if he hadn't had that wussy panic attack!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 10:59 AM
19 Comments:
At 3:12 PM,
April Patterson said…
borrowing zed's phone 2 write this:
aw, man, dram-club has barely started & already mirabell'z havin' a total meltdown. ai-yi-yi!
apes
At 3:15 PM,
Anonymous said…
April, I'm so glad you stopped by my house before you went out to that club last night, so you could change into some good clothes. I was happy to burn that maroon-and-mustard "don't" your mother forced you to wear during the day!
Oh, Mr. Mirabell is calling me!
Dirne
At 3:24 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, if mirabell comez by & tells u that u needta make ur guitar xxplode durin' the fightin' scenez, ignore him. i am gonna try 2 satisfy hiz bizarre desirez w/sum liting fx.
At 4:22 PM,
April Patterson said…
that was v. v. nice of ger!
apes
At 6:14 PM,
howard said…
April,
I have been so busy lately; I have not had time to write to you. Becky has been keeping you up-to-date on the latest things going on her life, so there is not much for me to add.
We spent most of yesterday packing up things for her to have at Gordon Mayes house. Drew Fontaine came over briefly I thought to help with the move, but it turned out he only came to see if Gordon Mayes had better workout equipment than what Becky has. The answer is a resounding, “No.” They have a skating rink, and a heated swimming pool, and a dance studio; which is pretty impressive, but you can tell those are all geared toward their kids’ activities. Drew left shortly afterwards and I could tell he was at Becky’s house from the mound of dirty clothes he left along with empties of naked fruit juice on the floor.
Becky was surprised at how nice Rosemary’s room is. It is more spacious than Becky’s bungalow, but there is this enormous Bratz doll village that occupies more than ¼ of the room. I say doll village, but honestly with the fashion don’ts the Bratz dolls wear it is closer to a doll village of prostitutes. Since when it is fashionable for dolls for girls to wear that kind of stuff? When I was a young man and I imagined what kinds of dresses I wanted to wear, it was long and flowery, not short and leathery. When I looked in Rosemary’s closet, however, it was a sea of pink dresses. Not even one pair of jeans. So, even though she likes Bratz, she doesn’t dress like Bratz.
Because Rosemary’s room was so spacious, we were able to fit Becky’s stuff in without too much trouble. I dread moving back and forth with this stuff two times a week, so maybe I can talk Becky into packing fewer things next time. While I was there, Tracey Mayes took me aside and asked me about Thora Thora. I said, “I understand Thora is excited about having a little girl in the house. Becky tells me she went to the Salvation Army to get little girl stuff.” Tracey said, “Salvation Army? But we sent everything Rosemary needs with her.” I said, “I don’t know what kinds of thing she got.” Tracey said, “Well you live with Becky, so now you live with Rosemary. You can make sure everything is…Wait a minute. You don’t live with Thora do you?” I said, “No.” Tracey said, “Then Rosemary has been moved to a house where Becky does not live. Where there is not a parent who currently takes care of a child.” I said, “That’s correct.” Tracey, “I don’t know what is going on with Gordon and why he would agree to this.” I said, “I think it was because he was afraid of Thorvald killing him with an axe.” Tracey said, “No. No. Howard. Gordon doesn’t worry about people with axes. He has connections with people who carry stronger stuff than axes, you know.” I said, “Yes. So why would Gordon agree to this?” Tracey said, “I don’t know. I have been relegated to housewife and he no longer includes me in his plans. He made Anthony the general manager over the garage, the store and the restaurant and cut me out.” I said I had heard that. Tracey said, “This idiot Thorvald thinks by threatening Gordon’s life with arson he has made a business connection, but he doesn’t know Gordon the way I do. Or I should say the way I used to. Howard, I need you to do something for me.” I said, “What is that?” She said, “I need you to check on Rosemary for me and make sure she is being taken care of properly.” I said I would do that.
So this morning, after I made breakfast for Krystle (Becky’s mom) and Dr. McCaulay, I went to Thora’s for her usual full body massage and to check on Rosemary. There she was dressed like a little ragamuffin, in Salvation Army little girl clothes. I asked her how she was doing. She said, “Great. I got a new phone and móðir Thora taught me how to throw an axe. We had shark for supper and after supper we played hnefa-tafl or "King's Table.” Fafa Thorvald said hnefa-tafl was only for men, but móðir Thora said we know women also played hnefa-tafll from the reference in Gunnlaugs saga ormstunga in which Gunnlaug plays hnefa-tafl with Helga Thorsteinsdatter, the granddaughter of Egil Skallagrimsson. It was better than Monopoly. Daddy always cheats at Monopoly.
I asked her how she liked shark. Rosemary said, “I threw up, but móðir Thora says that’s what does when she eats shark. She throws up a lot.” After I gave Thora her full body massage, she asked me if I would take Rosemary to school, which I did after I stopped off at Tim Hortons to get her some breakfast, which wasn’t shark. I told her I would bring her breakfast in the mornings and she should try to avoid eating rancid shark meat, if she could. She said she would try.
That’s all I have time for now. I will try to write more later.
Howard K.
At 6:37 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i dunno wut 2 think ‘bout drama club. sum peeps can handle pressure, but mirabell iz not 1 of them. i think he yelled @every1. dirne wuz rilly nervous he wud h8 how she played the porter, but she shudn’t have worried, cuz she wuz gr8. i wuz almost sorry that macduff & lennox come n & make her character stop talkin'.
az 4 me, i got yelled @a lot. everytyme sum cudn’t be heard, or wen mirabell didn’t like the liting & wunted it changed again. str8 run-thrus r tuff. but the show iz n 2 dayz, so i guess this iz how it iz gonna b.
oh, sumthin’ i 4got 2 mention, but dirne iz convinced duncan & zandra larson r rilly serious now. i sed, “how do u know?” dirne sed, “a girl can tell. she iz no longer tentative ‘round him. sumthin’ musta happed ovah the weekend.” i cudn’t tell the diffrence, but dirne iz usually rite ‘bout thoze kinda thingz. justa let u know, cuz dirne sez wen a couple iz serious u hafta nvite both of them 2 thingz & not just 1 or the othah. so if u nvite duncan 2 sumthin’, u shud prolly nclude zandra.
At 6:45 PM,
April Patterson said…
howard, i've babysat rosemary lotsa timez, so lemme know if u need my help, eh?
jeremy, no joke abt mirabell. he even yelled @ me when he liked what i was doing, sumhow. he'z crayzee!
i think dirne is rite abt dunc & zed.
apes
At 6:46 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings this morning about your noos (father) talking to his friend Anthony about his job promotion and his wife leaving him. As I read those things, I had this horrible feeling like something bad was going to happen. In Ojibway, we call this onwaachigehe, which means to foretell the future. In our daily phone conversation I asked your sister if she had read your writings and she said she did not feel like sharing her thoughts or feelings about your blog writings right now and she hoped I could respect it. I told her I could, since I would do anything for your sister. I haven’t been able to shake this bad feeling though. I hope it goes away soon, but I have this feeling it will last all week.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 6:47 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, wut have u heard 'bout duncan & zandra. nething good?
At 7:01 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, it's not that i've heard nething, but when ger & i were out w/dunc an' zandra, d & zed had a def. "couply" vibe 2 them and it totally felt like we were on a dbl d8. oh, & dunc an' zandra both sed "we" a lot, like they don't hafta tell u who they mean by "we" cuz they fig. ppl know.
paul, yeah, i have kind of a bad feeling, 2. i think i know what u mean. i hope it goez away.
apes
At 7:32 PM,
howard said…
April,
I just got finished doing Drew’s laundry, which I cannot stand to leave, because it smells so bad. I however, did not replenish the supply of naked fruit juice, since Becky is not back here until Wednesday. So Drew will have to get his juice from elsewhere. My agreement with Becky about allowing Drew to workout here does not include juice.
I just got the chance to read your Blog entry about your dad doing his memoirs of his car-buying experience. I think I read somewhere about Anthony’s wife leaving. Here it is:
Anthony Caine's wife Thérèse recently left Anthony and their young daughter Francoise. Anthony Caine works at Gordon's Garage as the general manager.
It is interesting that your Blog entry did not include the fact that Thérèse left not only Anthony but Francoise. But I suppose your dad will tell you or his memoirs something about that soon. I guess you were right about the other day in Sugar’s salon when Thérèse was talking about how she had stopped using the vanilla flavouring for coffee at Mayes Midtown Motors convenience store; she was actually talking about Anthony. You are very smart. I hope your eyes are feeling better.
As for Rosemary, if you know of any special foods she likes, that would be good.
Howard K.
At 7:41 PM,
April Patterson said…
howard, rosemary likes kraft dinner. 4 brekkie, she likes blueberry pancakes.
i think my dad was quoting xactly what anthony sed, so 4 whatev reason anthony was focusing on t. leaving him w/out mentioning françoise. i dunno y, but i xpect there'z a gd chance i will find out more 2morrow.
my eyez feel much better. thanx 4 helping marjee get the cover-up makeup mix just rite.
apes
At 8:13 PM,
howard said…
April,
Well I am not doing Kraft dinner, no matter how much she likes it. No powdered cheese for me. I think it is against my religious beliefs. However, I have a nice recipe for blueberry pancakes that should work for breakfast tomorrow. Thanks for that information.
Makeup is very tricky. I see too many girls who have not mastered the art of making it appear natural. I was glad to be of assistance with your eyes.
I have to go now to do my evening show at the Valhalla, and clean up all that fake blood on the floor that Arne the magician leaves during the early show.
Howard K.
At 9:19 PM,
Anonymous said…
I'm posting this from the Valhalla, as Howard brought me along to do his make-up in a special way. He decided to shake things up a little bit for tonight's show, and I must say he's succeeding in doing that! That's all I'm allowed to say, because Howard wants to tell the rest!
Marjee
At 9:26 PM,
Zandra Larson said…
April,
I'm really sorry Charles Wallace stole your phone. He won't do that again. He promised.
Also: Duncan said that Mr. Kelpfroth posts here. Mr. Kelpfroth, I'm sorry my uncle took your job. I don't know if this would help you or anything, but he's taking a writing course and will miss at least one performance this week, and if I know my uncle, he's told Mr. McGuire some ludicrous story with gratuitous death. Just so you know: both my grandparents are alive, and after the most recent set of court-ordered DNA tests, we know that Arne hasn't got any kids.
Sincerely,
Zandra Larson
At 9:36 PM,
April Patterson said…
no worriez, zandra, dunc told me the phone's not harmed & i'll have it back 2morrow morning. i know how sibs can b. cf michael patterson, eh?
yes, it's true that howard kelpfroth posts here. he will probably check in when he's all dun @ the valhalla 2nite.
& omg, i'm so sorry abt that music mirabell forced me 2 play during yr sleepwalking scene!
apes
At 10:17 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Thanks for making sure to pass on the news about Anthony and his wife getting separated. I knew it would happen some time. I wonder if Anthony is still hoping that I will wait for him? I told him I didn't want to be the "other woman." But now that he is getting divorced, I would just be "the woman."
I'm so confused. My head hurts. I need to go lay down.
Liz
At 11:00 PM,
howard said…
Zandra Larson,
Thanks for the information about your uncle Arne. He has informed Thorvald McGuire that he will be missing Thursday to attend a funeral, a cousin named Gary Larson, who had an unfortunate accident while investigating the behaviour of cows when they thought no one was looking at them. Per your instructions, I had warned Thorvald that Arne had no children and his parents were alive. However, he was not expecting the death of a cousin. And to be honest, I seem to have some recollection of a Gary Larson having something to do with cows. When I next see your uncle I will tell him that feigning deaths of obscure relatives is not necessary as I will be glad to sub for him whenever he needs.
Howard K.
At 11:52 PM,
howard said…
April,
Tonight, instead of doing barely costumed tableaus for the primarily gay late evening audience, I decided to shake things up with a fully nude production. My thought was that if I can’t get any action with my previous outfits then I would just go all the way. Of course the tricky part was the full body makeup, which took awhile for me and Marjee to apply. Marjee worked the spots I couldn’t get to and made sure the total package was aesthetically pleasing. Then, with special lighting effects, my opera songs suddenly had a psychedelic feel to them. I would turn slowly on the stage while singing a chronological sequence of the main arias from La Forza del Destino by Giuseppe Verdi and the lights would interplay across my naked, painted form.
Thorvald, Orque and Basher all 3 informed me that it took them back to younger and happier days. Marjee said it reminded her of a trip she took with Maynard one time. The audience rose as one, cheered and had me back for encores and orders for more Brennevin and mead, which pleased Thorvald.
I waited patiently backstage for a fan from the gay audience of Milborough to come and ask the star out for a date and hopefully some action. And not a one came backstage. Not one. Not a single freaking one.
Marjee said, “I thought you were great. I don’t know what’s going on.” I swore at Thorvald. I said, “I killed out there. Why is no one asking me out?” Thorvald said, “Everyone knows you’re taken, Hoskuld. I don’t know you even bother. You are like the Vanir when they were trying to get intelligent speech from their Aesir hostage, Hoenir the stupid.” I said, “Don’t call me Hoskuld. How could it be possible that everyone thinks I am taken and nobody including me knows who it is.” Thorvald said, “It is a mystery. But if anyone can solve it, it’s you Hoskuld the wise.”
After the show, Marjee and I went to work out at Becky’s Bungalow. When we got there, Drew Fontaine was there with a desperate look on his face. He shouted at me, “Where’s the naked juice?” I said, “You drank it all.” He said, “It’s not possible. There’s always more naked juice.” I said, “Try a grocery store. They stock naked juice. While Becky is not here, I do not.” Drew looked like he was going to say something, but then he thought better of it.
Then Marjee and I lifted and lifted and lifted. I think Marjee may sleep over tonight, so I will not be lonely without Becky here. I can’t wait until Wednesday, when she gets to move back from the Mayes house.
Howard K.
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