Gordo Pays Homage
I swear, there is nothing my 'rents enjoy more than sum1 who is willing 2 kiss sum major Patterson butt. & U totally know that w/my mom an' "pop", there'z no other kinda butt-kissing, eh? Dad was all anxious 2 resume that story he started tellin' me Saturday abt Gordo, & I was having my espresso & trying 2 wake up. So he was all, "I told Gordon that he'z got quite a bizness there, and Gordo was kind enuf 2 say, 'It's been w/yr help, John. If U & Elly hadn't invested in me, I wd never have come this far. The garage wdn't have dun so well, I wd never have bought this dealership....' I stopped him there w/'We mite have invested sum savings, but--' And he cut me off w/'I'm talking abt faith--not finances!' April-buddy, I can't even begin 2 tell U how touched I was! U know how much yr mother and I luv 2 help our children'z friends in NE way they can!" I was, like, "In that case, can U give Dunc a ten-spot so he can buy..." Dad was all, "Oh, April, U R so funny! I'm talking about Mike and Liz's friends, of course, not silly teenagers! Between Mayes Midtown Motors and Lakeshore Landscaping, Elly and I have set the foundation for a whole generation of Milborough landmarks. That's the kind of good work we like 2 do! And nothing is more gratifying than when the recipients of our noblesse oblige give us our proper credit! So, let me tell U the next part of this story!"
Just then, Mom came rushing into the room, all "April! My computer's seized up and I'm trying 2 do my homework 4 the writing class! Can U call yr friend Josh? And I was, like "Josh who? What R U talking abt?" & Mom was all, "Josh. Yr friend the 'geek god'. U had him come over back in September of 2004 when I had spent 12 hrs on a complicated marketing project only 2 have the computer eat it. Of course, he wasn't able 2 help me, & I got off on the fact that I was rite abt my data being lost, but mayB he can help now." I sed, "Mom, I still don't know what U R talking abt. I don't remember NE Josh." And Mom was, all "Oh, no. Lynn, tell me U didn't!" & she grabbed the phone & dialed. I'm all, "???" And then I hear her going, "Lynn? It's Elly. No, I'm fine, other than the usual endless menopause, cellulite and potato nose, but I won't go in2 that all w/U, as it does no good. I'm calling about April's "geek god" friend from September 2004. U didn't, by NE chance, erase him did U?" Mom was listening 2 the other end 4 a bit, then "Lynn, Y? " [pause] "What do U mean U didn't think we'd need him? U know I'm hopeless w/the 'box', of course I'm gonna need tech support. What? No, no way am I calling Steph the web designer, not on Easter Monday, U know if I did that she'd get all grumpy and end up giving my May letter a bad edit. Lynn, could U just unerase Josh? Great, thanks!"
Then Mom was all, "Here, call Josh. You remember him now, don't U?" & I'm all, "Of course I do, Y wdn't I?" And she sed, "U didn't know who he was two minutes ago." I'm like, "Rite. Mom, I know a little abt peeps being erased. I had no idea U were able 2 get them unerased so easy." Mom was all, "I have a special relationship with Lynn. But don't get NE ideas, I can't cash in on it 2 often, or else she gets pissed @ me & I end up w/a nose the size of Saskatchewan, an arse the size of Nova Scotia, and hot flashes like the fires of H-E-dbl-hockey stix. Now call Josh." So I did, & he's here now helping Mom.
Becks, I heard U were in the Easter Parade in the Beaches nabe of Toronto, lookin' all cube wearing sunglasses. Tell us the deets of how that happed, eh?
Eva, sorry abt yr upset yesterday. I've got chockies if U wanna come over. & speaking of coming over, woot, day off! Love Easter Monday!
Apes
Just then, Mom came rushing into the room, all "April! My computer's seized up and I'm trying 2 do my homework 4 the writing class! Can U call yr friend Josh? And I was, like "Josh who? What R U talking abt?" & Mom was all, "Josh. Yr friend the 'geek god'. U had him come over back in September of 2004 when I had spent 12 hrs on a complicated marketing project only 2 have the computer eat it. Of course, he wasn't able 2 help me, & I got off on the fact that I was rite abt my data being lost, but mayB he can help now." I sed, "Mom, I still don't know what U R talking abt. I don't remember NE Josh." And Mom was, all "Oh, no. Lynn, tell me U didn't!" & she grabbed the phone & dialed. I'm all, "???" And then I hear her going, "Lynn? It's Elly. No, I'm fine, other than the usual endless menopause, cellulite and potato nose, but I won't go in2 that all w/U, as it does no good. I'm calling about April's "geek god" friend from September 2004. U didn't, by NE chance, erase him did U?" Mom was listening 2 the other end 4 a bit, then "Lynn, Y? " [pause] "What do U mean U didn't think we'd need him? U know I'm hopeless w/the 'box', of course I'm gonna need tech support. What? No, no way am I calling Steph the web designer, not on Easter Monday, U know if I did that she'd get all grumpy and end up giving my May letter a bad edit. Lynn, could U just unerase Josh? Great, thanks!"
Then Mom was all, "Here, call Josh. You remember him now, don't U?" & I'm all, "Of course I do, Y wdn't I?" And she sed, "U didn't know who he was two minutes ago." I'm like, "Rite. Mom, I know a little abt peeps being erased. I had no idea U were able 2 get them unerased so easy." Mom was all, "I have a special relationship with Lynn. But don't get NE ideas, I can't cash in on it 2 often, or else she gets pissed @ me & I end up w/a nose the size of Saskatchewan, an arse the size of Nova Scotia, and hot flashes like the fires of H-E-dbl-hockey stix. Now call Josh." So I did, & he's here now helping Mom.
Becks, I heard U were in the Easter Parade in the Beaches nabe of Toronto, lookin' all cube wearing sunglasses. Tell us the deets of how that happed, eh?
Eva, sorry abt yr upset yesterday. I've got chockies if U wanna come over. & speaking of coming over, woot, day off! Love Easter Monday!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 8:28 AM
17 Comments:
At 9:42 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i dunno ‘bout u, but if ur ‘rents hadda choose between nvestin’ n a bizness of mine w/faith or finances, i wud go w/finances. also, let ur dad know that wen i wuz managin’ rebeccah’s career i learned howta kiss sum1’z butt w/o lyin’, like it soundz like gordo haz. u know, just n case ur dad d-cides he wants 2 nvest n 1 of ur friendz & not just ur bro’s. i noticed he hazn’t nvested n ne of ur sis’s friendz either.
that story u told ‘bout ur mom & josh wuz rilly freaky. while i wuz readin’ it i wuz thinkin’ “who’s josh?” & then i suddenly remembered him. i nevah remembah ne1 talkin’ ‘bout c-ing an invisible josh, so i guess, since he wuz erased back n 2004, they mite have done bettah jobs erasin’ back then than they do now, wen eva wuz erased. i 4got 2 mention this, cuz it may sound freaky but @the beginning of april, i cud remembah that doctor n ur dad’z practice again. i wondah if ur mom had him un-erased, since she haz that special relationship w/that “lynn” person?
since ur dad iz still tellin’ this story 2u ‘bout gordo, i am gonna take it az a sign 2 watch out 4 crevasses 4 test drives. i will b rilly glad once ur dad finally buyz hiz car. i asked dirne if the cathedral of st. damian n mboro haz ne services on easter monday & she sed easter monday iz wen the church peeps relax. so we r relaxin’ 2day.
At 9:47 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your father receiving good words from a man in whose business he invested. I was glad to read that there is someone else who believes your mother and father are a good and strong influence on him. I have admired your mother, since I met her. It sounds like your father is also maamakaadendaagwad (admirable). I hope to meet him someday, and perhaps, someday, ask for his daughter’s hand in marriage.
I also read your story about the kind things your mother did for your friend Josh. In the Ontario Provincial Police, we know about people being “erased”. Once you again you have told an admirable story about your mother. You have gichitwaawi` (honoured) your parents again with your writings. These would be good Ojibway writings. One of my people’s strongest beliefs is that we honour our elders. I am very impressed with you, and I hope to meet you someday. One of my people’s greatest weaknesses is that our youth forget to do what you have done today.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 9:54 AM,
howard said…
April,
Marjee and I are back in Milborough and back to work. Sugar decided she wanted the salon open on Easter Monday since so many people have the time off and may want their hair done. No school today for Becky though, so she was sleeping in. I just made breakfast for Dr. McCaulay, and her mother Krystle; went to Thora’s (Becky’s step-mother) to give her a full-body massage and then here to work, where I gave Marjee her breakfast. So, far Sugar has been wrong and it has been a pretty slow day.
I was quite surprised to read about your mother’s direct connection to “she who must not be named.” “Surprised” is not the word. “Scared” would be more appropriate. Thank goodness your mother loves my shamp-Ohs, so maybe if I get erased; she will make a phone call for me. The description you made of Gordon Maye’s butt-kissing your father makes me wonder if Gordon is trying to prevent the same thing that happened to your friend Josh. I wonder if I should start kissing your dad’s butt. Figuratively, but not literally of course.
Howard K.
At 9:59 AM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, now that u mention it, i think i also suddenly remembered abt everett-the-morsel @ the beginning of this month.
paul, i m sure my dad will totally luv u when u meet him, esp. if u tell him he'z admirable. tho b prepared, he will probably find a way 2 spin whatev u say in2 a pun. u will get xtra pts w/him if u laff really, really hard when he does.
hm, howard, i guess it wdn't hurt 2 give my dad sum compliments. mayB get yr teeth cleaned & tell my dad he'z, like, a rockin' dentist, eh?
apes
At 2:20 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I look forward to meeting your father, and you too. I don't know if your sister is preparing me for this meeting, but she has encouraged me to laugh with my tongue sticking out. Your sister does this with ease, but it is difficult for me. I keep swallowing flying insects. Do you have any suggestions on how to laugh with your tongue sticking out so you don't get bugs in your mouth?
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 2:35 PM,
April Patterson said…
paul, i wdn't worry abt practicing the sticky-outy tung laff. when u've been around our fam 4 a lil while, u will prolly find u r doing it w/out even trying. u mite even find yrself trying 2 remember how 2 laff w/o sticking out yr tung!
apes
At 2:47 PM,
howard said…
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
At 5:54 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
You are more confident I am going to have the opportunity to be around your family for a little while than I am. First impressions are very important. If it weren't for first impressions I would not even be dating your sister. From my first impression of seeing her picture and meeting your mother to your sister's first impression of meeting me. It is what got us together.
I think I need to keep practicing. Any suggestions you have for keeping insects out of your mouth when you laugh would be appreciated.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 6:37 PM,
April Patterson said…
paul, i can b such an airhead, sumtymes! i, like, thot up what i wanted 2 say 2 answer yr post, & then i like totally thot i'd posted my answer!
neway, i've never had bugz fly in2 my mouth, so i'm not sure abt suggestionz. is it poss that u have, like, honey breath, that attracts flies? cuz if u do, mayB u shd gargle w/vinegar? cuz u know that saying abt how u can catch more fliez w/honey than w/vinegar. i know it's supposta b, like, metaphoric & all, but 2 me it soundz like a good reason 2 have vinegar around, don't u?
apes
At 7:52 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
Vinegar. I will try it. Some people in the past have told me I had a sweet mouth, but they were usually prisoners with a different orientation than mine. Thank you for the advice.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 8:01 PM,
Anonymous said…
April, I don't even know how to begin thanking your mother for what she's done for me. I'm lucky she's so inept with that computer, I guess! Being erased--that was really scary. Thanks for showing me your blog. I read through all the archives and I feel I'm at least a bit caught up on some of the things that have changed in the past year and a half.
Josh, Geekgod
P.S. I'm glad I was able to help your mother with her computer "problem".
At 8:02 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, dirne’s idea of relaxin’ iz 2 go shoppin’. u prolly alreddy figgered that out by now. her ‘rents were out w/the car, so dirne sed, “jeremy let’s go and shop @luxurion's department store here n mboro. i unnerstand it iz the most prestigious store n town.” i sed, “it iz? i thot u didn’t like 2 shop n mboro?” dirne sed, “but of course i prefer TO, but a girl haz 2 make do w/wut’s available.” so we walked ovah 2 luxurion's department store. we were lookin’ @stuff 4 a long tyme, well i shud say dirne wuz lookin’ @stuff & i kinda got tired. so i sed 2 dirne, “i’m gonna sit down 4 a bit. my feet r tired. i’ll be ovah @that place ovah there called salon selective between the fur boutique & the elizabeth arden red door spa. ic sum empty chairz ovah there.” dirne sed, “ok, jeremy, but i dunno how u cud b tired. shoppin’ givez me nrg.”
i sat down at the salon selective & this lady came ovah & she looked kinda familiar 2 me. she sed, “ru lookin’ 4 a personal shopper?” i sed, “no i am just restin’ my feet while my gf shops.” she sed, “a gf, eh? a man ur age wearin’ such nice designer clothez shud be settlin’ down. perhaps i can help u buy the perfect sumthin’ 4 ur gf 2 ncourage her? duz she prefer clothes, shoez or accessoriez?” i sed, “clothez i think, but she likes that othah stuff 2.” the lady sed, “& wut kinda budget duz she have?” i sed, “i think she can buy pretty much wutevah she wunts. i haven’t seen her hit a limit yet.” the lady sed, “that is xxcellent. my kind of client. well let’s get started. wut size iz ur gf?” i sed, “she’z ‘bout 5’7”.” the lady sed, “no wut iz her dress size?” i sed, “oh. i dunno. small i guess. she’z kinda petite.” the lady sed, “we’re looking for a number. size 2, 4, 6. that kinda thing.” i sed, “oh. i have no idea. i’ve nevah bot her ne clothez b4.” the lady sed, “let’s find out. where iz ur gf?” i sed, “she’z the girl n the auburn hair ovah there.” & i pointed. the lady sed, “goodness. she looks v. yung. she shud like the yunger stylez.”
we went ovah 2 dirne & she sed, “who’z this?” i sed, “a personal shopper.” dirne sed, “ur shoppin’ w/anothah woman? jeremy jones, this iz definitely not wut a good bf duz.” i sed, “um…” the lady sed, “i think u misunderstand wut ur bf iz tryin’ 2 do. he wunts 2 buy sumthin’ 4u, but he lacks the taste necessary 2 do a good job. az a personal shopper, wut i do iz use my good taste 2 help sum1 like ur bf find tasteful couture items.” dirne sed, “jeremy jonez. do u think this woman haz bettah taste than i do?” i sed, “um…” the lady sed, “i am a fully qualified personal shopper. by selectin’ me ur bf iz showin’ xxcellent taste. u shud b proud 2 have a bf who iz lookin’ out 4u & seeks out sum1 w/credentialz n shoppin’.” dirne sed, “credentials? credentials? ru sayin’ ur credentialz r bettah than mine?” the lady sed, “i wud not evah discredit a customer’s opinion, but my family lives on giltlawn terrace. this iz, of course, the most prestigious neighbourhood n all of mboro. & u look a little yung 2 have much xxperience. i presume ur a trophy gf 4 mr. jones? perhaps a potential second wife?” dirne sed, “jeremy jones. have u been married b4?” i sed, “no. i’m only 14 u know.” the lady started laffin’ & sed, “mr. jones. u have quite a sense of humour. i can cy ur gf findz u attractive despite the obvious diffrence n ur agez. humour crosses all boundriez.”
dirne sed, “2b a proper personal shopper u shud have a background n retail sales. do u have that kinda xxperience?” the lady sed, “goodness no. how tawdry.” dirne sed, “2b a proper personal shopper u shud keep up w/the following fashion magazinez: adversus, agenda magazine, allure, american salon, art jewelry, cashak magazine, clear, cosmopolitan, cosmopolitan hair & beauty, details, dresslab, elle, estylo, factio magazine, false modesty, fashion accessories, fashion planet, fashion world, focus on style, glamour, harper’s bazaar, hint, hip chick zine, hype hair, iconique, index, i-shadow, it’s rouge, jc report, lucire, lucky, lumana magazine, luscious, lustre, marie claire, modern jeweler, obstrukt, pagaentry magazine, prima, senze, shop etc. , sphere, step by step wire, total image, trendzine, tu, vanity fair, vogue, w magazine, & zest. do u keep u w/thoze?” the lady sed, “of course not. i read sum of thoze, but thass 2 many magazinez 4 sum1 2 read all the tyme.” dirne sed, “not 4 me. come on jeremy. this woman iz underqualified.”
we walked off a little bit, where the lady cudn’t c us & i thot we were goin’ home wen dirne suddenly burst n2 tearz. she sobbed, “jeremy jones. u have hurt me where i live. how cud u? evn my former bf b4u wuzn’t so cruel.” i sed, “but, i just sat down & she wuz talkin’ ‘bout how i needed help 2 get u sumthin’ & i didn’t know wut size u were & i thot she meant how tall u were & i nevah wunted 2 hurt u, i just wunted 2 sit down & rest my feet.” dirne sed, “oh jeremy. i shud’ve known it wuz that awful woman’s fault. 4give me 4 doubtin’ u. thass a lesson 4 me. when ur bf looks oldah he iz prey 4 an oldah woman. not only that but i have foolishly left u unprotected w/o the most basic knowledge.” i sed, “wut’s that?” dirne sed, “u don’t know my dress & shoe sizez or wut colours look good on me.” so aftah a long convo, now i know thoze thingz. i nevah knew shoppin’ wuz such an emotional xxperience.
At 8:27 PM,
April Patterson said…
hm, ger's mom is a personal shopper @ luxurion. ger, does that sound like it cda been yr mom?
apes
At 9:11 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes!
Didnt c u 2day I was hanging @ Zeds most of the day.
Oh, man, my 'rents r pissed 2day, my mom keeps going, Melanie, she thinks my names Melanie, aft 13 yrs she shld no wtf my name is, an' my dad keeps going, y do they keep undercutting the Mboro Credit Unions interest r8. I dont think they were listening 2 each other but @ least they werent fiting w/ each other like usual.
Hey, Beckers, y were u in the Easter Parade in the Beaches? Upchuck an' his 'rents were going on an' on abt it last nite when they got back fr TO.
L8r.
At 9:45 PM,
April Patterson said…
dunc, yr mom called my mom & like yelled @ her cuz she called her "melanie anderson" instead miranda @ the writing forum. my mom was all xplaining it's cuz she had, like, ger's mom in her head @ the time, melanie forsythe. mom'z like major-time embarrassed she made that goof!
becks, yeah, dyin' 2 know abt yr appearance in that parade!
apes
At 10:44 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes, I think evrythings cube now with r moms. When I got home fr Zeds, my mom was in the jacuzzi singing sum song abt brand new rollersk8s an' brand new keys. There was an empty bottle of Bajan rum on the kitchen counter. My dad just rolled his eyes an' said, u werent home in time 4 candles in the rain. NEway, my dads ordered dinner in from Pizza Pizza an' it shld b here soon.
L8r.
At 11:25 PM,
howard said…
April,
If I had not been visiting my aunt and uncle Kelpfroth in Toronto on Easter, I might have something to add about your numerous requests for Becky to tell about what she did on Easter and whether or not she was in the Easter Parade in the Beaches. All she said when I asked her was that she would tell you about it when she was ready to tell you. Naturally, I will not defy her wishes by telling you what I know. I respect my bud too much.
This evening was interesting at the Valhalla supper club. I got a call from Thorvald McGuire, Becky’s dad. He said, “Hoskuld. Would you consider changing the anti-teenager part of your act to use a bloody axe to chase Basher around the stage and then chop off his head at the end of the act?” I said, “Thorvald. Call me Howard. And no, I don’t want to chop off Basher’s head. Then there would be no Basher for the second show.” Thorvald said, “It would be offstage and then you would just carry a fake bloody head onstage.” I said, “You are pushing the boundaries of good taste. I don’t want to encourage anyone to actually kill teenagers.” Thorvald said, “I thought you would say that. Tonight I want to try out a new act for the early show. So you can take off until your late show.” I said, “You’re replacing me?” Thorvald said, “Trying out a new act is not replacing. The old folks in this town will always have a fondness in their heart for you, Hoskuld, but when I start charging full price for the food I have to have something to keep them coming in. A new act that will appeal to their anti-teenager furor, just like the Viking sailors would try to appeal to the fury of the god Aegir to cause sea storms against their enemies.”
I said, “What is this new act?” Thorvald said, “His name is Arne and he does illusions. I have convinced him to add teenagers to his act. So, he will saw a teenager in half. He will put a teenager into a box and thrust swords into him.” I said, “Those are classic illusions, but won’t the old people be angry when he puts the teenager back together or the teenager comes out of the box unharmed by the swords?” Thorvald said, “Who said he was going to put the teenager back together? It is crucial to the act that he doesn’t.” I said, “So where’s the illusion?” Thorvald said, “Basher is not going to actually be sawed in half.” I said, “But the audience doesn’t know this.” Thorvald said, “Hoskuld. You are acting like mighty Thor when he was fooled so obviously by his half-brother Loki. These are old people in Milborough. They won’t care if they see the illusion, as long as a teenager is getting sawed.” I said, “OK. OK. I get it. And stop calling me Hoskuld. I will show up for the late show.”
So I got to the Valhalla for the late show, walked out to look around the stage and there was fake blood all over the place. I said, “Thorvald. Why is there fake blood all over my stage?” Thorvald said, “Hoskuld the wise is not being very wise again. When the magician saws the teenager in half, then blood comes out of the box. It completes the illusion. Just like in the Eyrbyggja saga, where Katla, skilled in seiðr (illusion), who wished to save her son Odd from a band of men determined to kill him and did so by using an illusion to make the men believe Odd was a spinning distaff, and then a goat being groomed, or a sleeping boar. In order for those illusions to work, there actually had to be a distaff, goat or boar. So, without the blood, the old folks would not believe the teenager was actually being sawed in half.” I said, “I see. So did the old folks like the act?” Thorvald said, “They loved it. The bloodier the better. I did not realize the level of blood lust in our town. Perhaps, Milborough old people are part Viking.”
I said, “Give me a mop, so I can clean this stuff up.” I cleaned and did my act for the late crowd, which is by and large the gay community. After weeks of performing semi-naked for them, I am still dumbfounded why I am not getting any action. I asked Orque and he said, “Everyone knows you’re taken, Hoskuld.” I said, “Howard, not Hoskuld. That being taken thing should have been over when I exposed Thovald’s plan to marry me to Thora.” Orque laughed, “Thora. She is not the one for you. She’s married to Thorvald.” I said, “Well, then who is it?” Orque said, “I do not know. But I do know it is not Thora.”
It is very frustrating to hear this again. When I get back to Becky’s house, I am definitely going to be lifting weights. Marjee should be there at our usual time and I like talking with her while I am lifting. I kind of miss talking to Becky while I lift, but she has been spending so much time with Drew Fontaine, I hardly ever see her except at meal time. That’s the way it is when you meet a new guy. You get so involved; you have a tendency to exclude your friends. It is a perfectly natural stage, but I am waiting for Becky to get a little bored with Drew, so I can spend some time together with her again.
By the by, if you hear someone saying I am taken by someone, April. Be sure to see if you can find out who it is. I need to squelch this rumour, if I can.
Howard K.
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