An Imaginary Apartment is a Happy Place
So. Monday in the hall, talkin' 2 Shannon. I was, like, "R U saying U have an imaginary apartment?" And Shannon was all, "Uh-huh. ...I go there...all the...time! Whenever...I...Need 2...get away...from every..body. That's ...where I go. It's...private an'...never...needs...cleaning...an' U don't pay...rent. If U feel hassled, April...get...yr own apart...ment. Get...a...really nice one. It's...easy! ...Just ...make ...one up! I'm telling U...man, it's...sure saved...my...sanity!" Then I was, like, "U know what, Shannon? U R brilliant!!" I put my arm around her as we were walking and sed, "And I'm not just making that up!!" Yesterday afternoon, when Shannon & Eva were going over sum basic rulez 4 hallway banter, Shannon was like, "BTW...April. Don't say 'I'm not ... just making that...up' rite after...U give sum...1 a compliment. Cuz if U do, ...peeps R gonna think ... U R making ... up yr com...pliments other timez. An' they'll nevr ...know when...they can believe U." And Eva was all, "It's true, Apes. That was v. v. uncube of U!"
Dang, Becks, sorry all thoze Mboro oldiez and middle-agiez went crayzee throwin' food @ U @ yr performance of that skit last nite. Yr dad's gotta rethink stirring up this town's teen-h8. U nev know how outta hand that mite go. We've gotta start thinkin' abt a "teenagerz R ppl 2" campaign or sumthing.
Howard, thanx again 4 the v. v. cube cooking lesson last nite. U R such a genius w/the cooking!
Apes
Dang, Becks, sorry all thoze Mboro oldiez and middle-agiez went crayzee throwin' food @ U @ yr performance of that skit last nite. Yr dad's gotta rethink stirring up this town's teen-h8. U nev know how outta hand that mite go. We've gotta start thinkin' abt a "teenagerz R ppl 2" campaign or sumthing.
Howard, thanx again 4 the v. v. cube cooking lesson last nite. U R such a genius w/the cooking!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 9:45 AM
17 Comments:
At 10:38 AM,
Anonymous said…
LOL! I can't believe Jeremy fell for my joke about having my own apartment! Like my 'rents would let me have one before I even turn 17! That's what you get for forgetting that, besides my "surprising affinity for mathematics" I am know for my "wicked sense of humour". I slay me!
Shannon
At 10:47 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, so shannon’z apartment iz imaginary. i feel like an idiot. she wuz talkin’ ‘bout her apartment like it wuz real & the whole tyme she wuz imaginin’ it. dirne sez it cuz i am so big on tellin’ the truth, it’s hard 4 me 2 tell wen peeps are making stuff up. my mom sez it is just cuz i will b-lieve nething a cute girl sez. thanx 4 lettin’ me know the truth april. there’z no tellin’ how long i woulda gone w/o knowin’ the truth, if it weren’t 4u.
At 10:51 AM,
howard said…
April,
I am very glad you liked the cooking lesson. Be sure to practice your sautéing, as well as you can around your house.
Last night was very trying. Becky came home with food trapped in every corner of her body where food can hide. I gave her a nice bath and tried to make sure she was clean. Then she went to bed. She said, “Thank goodness, the gays don’t hate teenagers. The second show was a lot better, and I am not making that up."
Howard K.
At 10:54 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your friend Shannon and her imaginary apartment. I am beginning to wonder if I did not wander into an imaginary apartment here in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees).
When I got here, there were beads all over the floor. I asked your sister why the beads were all over the floor and she responded that she can’t keep Shiimsa out of the beads. She said, “It’s hard enough to keep the apartment clean, as it is. Cats have a strange need to park themselves in the middle of whatever you’re working on.”
I picked up the beads and gave Shiimsa the fresh fish I brought for her. She ate a little bit of it and then walked away from it. I asked your sister why Shiimsa didn’t eat the fish. She replied that fresh fish remind Shiimsa of Faustus. I asked your sister if she had noticed the Prozac working on Shiimsa. She said she had. She pointed out one of her house plants and said, “See that. That’s because of the Prozac.” I said, “The plant looks perfectly healthy.” Your sister said, “It’s so wrong. My plants are supposed to be eaten and shredded.” Then she pointed at the corner where Shiimsa was sleeping and said, “Go over there and see what you notice.” So I went over there and I said, “Except for some beads on the floor, I don’t notice anything.” Your sister said, “No urine smell. That’s because of the Prozac.” I said, “That’s good.” Your sister said, “No. It’s not natural. Shiimsa always sprayed that corner.” Then your sister said, “Now pick up something and carry it by Shiimsa.” I picked a few books and walked by Shiimsa. I said, “Is anything supposed to happen?” Your sister said, “Shiimsa should have climbed you by now trying to get you to drop the books. It’s so wrong.”
I said, “What can I do to help?” Your sister said, “Make dinner while I mark papers.” I finished the dinner and we ate. Then I said, “What do you need me to do now?” Your sister said, “Why don’t you go visit your Mtigwaki (Land of Trees)-based family for a few hours?” I said, “But I came here to visit you.” Your sister said, “We’re not clinging together like a fungus on a rock the whole time you’re here.” So, I told your sister I would go visit my relatives.
I had a nice visit with them, but they told me something very disturbing. They said, “Gary Crane is acting like your girlfriend is going to be leaving the school after this year. Is she planning to leave?” I said, “If she is, she hasn’t told me. I applied for a transfer to Spruce Narrows to be closer to her. She wouldn’t leave just when the transfer is coming through.” When I got back to your sister’s apartment, she was already asleep with Shiimsa. So I made a place for myself on the chesterfield.
When I woke up this morning I noticed 2 things that had never happened to me before since I have visited your sister. The first thing was that I did not have any scratches on my body. The second thing was my clothes I packed didn’t smell like cat urine. I made breakfast as your sister was marking papers and I told her I had not been scratched and my clothes were still clean. Your sister said, “It’s so wrong. You should have been scratched. You should stink. My poor Shiimsa.”
When I asked your sister about what was going to happen with her job, she stared at me. She said, “I’m not leaving. Your relatives are just teasing you. It’s that famous Native humour where they poke fun at you. Take a tip from me and stop taking yourself so seriously, Paul.” Your sister is still marking papers. I hope she gets done soon.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 11:10 AM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, sorry u got embarrassed like that. i get embarrassed a lot, so i know what it's like.
howard, i'm gonna practice sautéing 4 lunch 2day. mom's off shopping w/connie so it shd b safe.
paul, liz hasn't sed nething 2 me abt leaving mtighooha, but then again, she doesn't alwayz tell me everything, eh?
apes
At 1:54 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Paul needs to try harder to understand Shiimsa. I finally put my foot down and insisted that he read Cats For Total Morons Like You. He didn't want to do it, but he is reading the book as I type this.
Shiimsa still seems to be acting in unusual ways. She is sleeping peacefully in Paul's lap. In some ways, I am enjoying this new, less frisky Shiimsa. In other ways, I miss my exuberant, playful, sometimes violent regular kitty. I can tell that Paul does not miss the old Shiimsa. He seems to be enjoying her new personality. He would have never let her get so close to his private parts in the past.
I have to go pick up beads again. The beads the Ojibwe use are very small. I have to use a tweezer. It is taking a long time.
Liz
At 5:25 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
The book Cats For Total Morons Like You has a section on how to pet your pussy. These are the techniques listed:
1. The Dribble: By far the most common pat given by a total moron like you. It consists of a quick series of taps on the head with the fingers, as if your cat’s head was a basketball being dribbled down the court. Your cat will jerk her head away in disgust and claw you, exposing you to all who may be watching as an insincere petter. Avoid the Dribble Pat. Your cat is not a basketball, you idiot.
2. The Stroke: As the name implies, this is the movement of your hand from between the cat’s ears as far back as you wish to carry it, preferably with your fingers spread wide (if a simpleton like you is smart enough to remember to do that.) Carrying the Stroke all the way up the tail denotes a true cat expertise that is probably beyond you, but you should try anyway.
3. The Ear and Chin Scratch: This is tricky and belongs in the expert category, but you might want to try it if you are an Ojibwe OPP constable visiting an ignoramus cat lover you particularly want to awe. Cup half of the cat’s head in your palm and using your index finger to rub behind the ear. This is an erogenous zone for a cat, and she will become putty in your palm, provided you don’t stick your finger in her ear, which is what a halfwit like you is bound to do. You just can’t help yourself.
4. The Tail Squeeze: This pat begins at the base of the tail and travels up to the tail’s tip. While no cat likes to have his tail pulled (try to remember that, you pinhead) she will usually put up with a gentle caress of this type since all cats are vain, especially of their tails. You will know immediately if a cat does not like the Tail Squeeze, because she will spin around with unbelievable speed, seize your hand between two paws, and bite hard to try to remove some fingers from your moronic hand. The Tail Squeeze is reserved for expert petters. Only try it if you are feeling especially stupid, i.e. which for you means more stupid than usual.
5. The Tummy Rub: It is a very rare cat who will tolerate this, and only a dog-oriented twit, who would try it, which means it is perfect for you, you complete idiot. Just as your instincts cause you to double over when poked in the tummy, so do a cat’s. Because of a cat’s claws and teeth, this can be painful. Stay away from the Tummy Rub. Cats are not dogs, you freaking imbecile.
6. The Paw Spread: This is truly a connoisseur’s pat and one known especially among the wise and noble Ojibwe people. Taking light hold of a leg, hold it with one hand while using the middle finger of the other to gently tickle the middle pad of the paw. If the cat is in the right mood, she will soon spread her toes in delight and commence a deep-throated purr, a sign to one and all that you have succeeded in overcoming your ineptitude.
It seemed to me that Rubs #3 and #6 were the best ones, so I tried them on Shiimsa. It seemed to make her very happy. She was purring loudly. Your sister said, “After I finish marking these papers, maybe you can do that to me.” I wonder if she means Rub #3 or Rub #6.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 7:02 PM,
April Patterson said…
hey, becks, tho there were sum peeps @ school who were all "what's w/becky's briefcase", i wasn't 1 of 'em. if u look @ what i wrote i just called it a bag. sorry i didn't say a brand name or nething. i'll try 2 brush up, eh?
do u think i shd b worried abt ger'z drinking? he tells me not 2 worry, but this is sounding xtreme, don't u think? r u worried abt drew'z drinking?
liz, it's nice that paul & shiimsa r getting along so well 2gether, tho i can c y u r worried abt her being all depressed @ stuff.
apes
At 7:10 PM,
howard said…
April,
There was a time in my life when I would have gladly welcomed two muscular drunken young men into my home. That is not today. The sight of Drew and Gerald lying on the tennis courts in a pool of their own vomit did not do anything for me. I think it has put me off muscular drunken men. Just kidding. It has really only put me off Gerald and Drew.
I had to give them both baths and wash their clothes. Gerald said, “Getting a bath from a man is not a gay thing, is it?” I said, “Do you want it to be?” Gerald said, “No. No. I am loyal to my April-flower. But if I were to turn gay, could I have someone bathe me? It’s really nice. I could get used to it. My April-flower and I used to do bathing suit baths, but it is not the same.” I said, “You’re getting a bath because you are too drunk to stand up or bathe yourself and you would hurt yourself if you tried.” Drew said, “Do you bathe Becky?” Gerald corrected, “Becky-Thora.” Drew said, “Oh right. Becky-Thora.” I said, “Every once in awhile the occasion calls for it, like last night when she had food in places on her body she couldn’t reach or see.” Drew said, “That sounds cube.” I said, “I can see you like that thought.” Drew said, “You can?” Gerald said, “Cover it up, dude. Howie’s gay. It might get him excited.” I said, “I have worked professionally at a bath house. You have nothing to worry about.” Drew said, “Is Becky still here?” Gerald corrected, “Becky-Thora.” Drew said, “Oh right. Becky-Thora. Is she here?” I said, “No. She went to do her evening shows.” Drew said, “Well maybe I can go see her and get a steak. Thorvald comps all my meals.” I said, “Since you’re a teenager, I strongly recommend against doing that. The crowd would tear you apart.” Gerald said, “When I go to the Valhalla, I wear baby powder in my hair.” Drew said, “Does your head get chafed or something?” Gerald said, “It’s to make me look like an old man, so the old men won’t think I’m a teenager. They’ll think I am one of them.” Drew said, “Does Gerald make any sense to you, Howie?” I said, “Unfortunately, yes. However, if you two want a proper old man makeup job, I will be glad to perform the task.” So after they got dressed, I did them up in old man makeup and drove them over to the Valhalla. Gerald said, “This is going to be so cube, like when Loki was in disguise as the giant Thokk, and refused to weep for Balder, so he remained dead and was cremated on his funeral boat, Hringhorni.” Drew said, “Right. Like Loki. I hope they have Angus beef tonight.” You see, it was a perfectly awful evening.
This afternoon went much better. I was working at Sugar’s salon with Marjee when who should happen to stop in but Philandrea Lake and her daughter Shannon. I said, “Shannon is underage, so if she wants a shamp-Oh, you have to sign a waiver.” Philandrea said, “You’re not going to touch her improperly are you?” I said, “No. I only touch the scalp and hair.” Philandrea said, “That’s all right then.” I called Marjee over and said, “It looks she is going to need some work on her bangs. Someone has cut them too short.” Philandrea said, “No, that’s all right. Leave the bangs the same. It is a sign she is special needs to have a bad haircut.” Sugar heard this and came over and said, “At Sugar’s salon we do not give bad haircuts except on girls who are trying to steal our men. It is a matter of professional pride. If you want a bad haircut, you will have to go someplace else or make a play for my husband.” Philandrea said, “No that’s not necessary. I don’t want to cause problems. Go right ahead.”
Shannon’s mom signed the waiver and I got started. Shannon started moaning a little and her mother said, “Is she all right? You’re not hurting her are you?” Shannon said, “No mother. It feels good to have clean hair.” We continued and Shannon started moaning a little more and said, “Oh Jeremy.” Or was it “Oh Justin”? I’m not sure. These “j” names all sound alike to me. Shannon’s mother said, “What was that? Is she calling a boy’s name? She’s not allowed to do that until she is 21.” Shannon said, “Mom. I’m only talking to myself. I think I am allowed to do that.” Shannon’s mom said, “As long as you don’t mention any boys.” We started again and Shannon started getting really loud and she said, “I'm going to my apartment. It’s got blue walls and a couch, I mean chesterfield. And a big TV and a bedroom with two windows and curtains with blue and white stripes. There’s a desk for my computer and a screened porch and a garden. He takes me in his arms and undresses me slowly. Then takes his thingee and he…Oooh!! Oooh!!! Oooh!!!” Shannon’s mom said, “What was that? What are you doing to her?” I lifted up my soapy hands from Shannon’s scalp and started rinsing. I said, “I’ve broken the layer of grease and dirt, Mrs. Lake. Some girls get excited when they have that layer broken.” Then Shannon said to me, “Thanks for taking me to my apartment. I’m telling you man. It has sure saved my sanity, if you know what I mean.” I said, “Certainly.” Marjee did what she could with Shannon’s bangs, but they were cut very, very short, by whoever did it, probably her mother. Shannon seems like a nice girl and not like the withdrawn, insane girl that has been related to me by gross incompetents.
Howard K.
At 7:34 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i read ur last post 2 dirne & she sed, "the poor girl. her bf haz no idea how 2b a proper bf. her father iz a dentist n private practice. she deservez a lot bettah."
dirne & i r gonna c the movie take the lead 2nite. she hopes it will convince me that learnin' 2 ballroom dance iz sumthin' a good bf needz 2 learn. i dunno how i will evah needta learn ballroom, but dirne sez it iz crucial. wen i think of ballroom, all i think of is wut a dork gigli looked like @the grade 8 grad dance.
neway, dirne sez ur nvited 2 go w/us & she promises not 2 say nething 'bout the lack of designer clothez n ur wardrobe 'less "u wanna talk 'bout it." if u wanna come w/us, call me or dirne on our cell & we will walk w/u ovah 2 the theatre. it's not safe 4 teenz 2 walk alone n mboro nemore, so we can't just say meet us there, eh?
At 7:48 PM,
April Patterson said…
k, so i called jeremy & he & dirne were here a few minz l8r. we r on our way 2 the theatre now. it wd b nice if ger were w/us 2, but he'z 2 busy disguising himself as an old man & going 2 becky's show. he sure spends a lotta time @ the valhalla.
howard, wow, what a story abt shannon & her mom. it's 2 bad her mom wants her 2 have bad hair! so mean. i can totally rel8.
apes
At 8:00 PM,
Anonymous said…
That poor, poor girl, with the super-short bangs! They were just tragic. As a hairdresser, I can't help but weep when I see something like that. It's almost as bad as having hair that automatically puts itself into a bun no matter what you do. Oh, sorry, April!
So, there wasn't too much to do for poor Shannon other than try and blend her little bangs into the rest of her hairstyle to create the effect of no bangs. Howard agreed this was an improvement, and Shannon seemed happy. But her mother seemed a little miffed. I'm afraid the next time April sees Shannon in school, those little bangs will probably be right back to the way they were. This makes me so, so sad!
Marjee
At 8:11 PM,
Anonymous said…
rebeccah, n case gigli comez 2u & asks, april iz @the megaplex w/dirne & me. dirne found out gigli likes ballroom dancin’ & haz alreddy tried 2 get april 2 go along w/her sayin’ i needed 2 learn 2 ballroom. april suggested i learn frum gigli. i sed i think gigli dances ‘bout az well az he ridez elephants. april laffed that sticky-out tongue laff she duz, evn tho it wuzn’t a pun. dirne wuz confuzed. she sed, “ridez elephants?” i sed, “did u evah hear ‘bout a bunch of animalz breakin’ outa the mboro zoo?” dirne sed, “wuz it n the fashion newz?” april sed, “i don’t think so.” dirne sed, “well, then, no. sorry.” so april & i told the whole story ‘bout gigli & me & howard @the zoo. dirne wuz kinda shocked. she sed, “the perfect bf iz not an elephant rider. elephant riderz wear circus clothez & they r definitely not designer.” april sed she wuzn’t 2 happy ‘bout gigli that day either, but sumtymez u want a bf who iz kinda xxcitin’. dirne sed, “no u don’t. a perfect bf iz alwayz there 4u & duzn’t put himself n unnecessary risk.” i sed, “that wud be nice, but ‘round mboro, it’s kinda tuff. there’z alwayz sum kinda weird thing goin’ on.” then dirne sed, “wen we r married jeremy, we r definitely leavin’ mboro.” then she slapped her hand ovah her face & sed, “i wuzn’t suppozed 2 say that yet. the perfect gf duzn’t bring up marriage wen she iz still n high skool. can u 4get i sed that?” i sed, “but of course.” april sed, “b-lieve me, sum of my worst xxperiences were wen gerald thot we were ngaged 2 get married.” dirne sed, “i’m so glad sum1 else haz made the same mistake az i.” then we hadda stop yackin’ & watch the movie.
At 8:39 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest April flower,
The reason I am going to the Valhalla tonight, instead of spending my time with you, is that my friend Thorvald has employed me. He is paying me quite a generous wage. As you probably know, the minimum wage for students is $7.25 per hour. Thorvald is paying me $10 and allowing me to keep a commission on the novelty items I sell.
These are, of course, the novelty items Thorvald has designed for the audience to throw at the teenagers in his skits. They are made of light, aerodynamic Nerf material, so they are easy for the weak and frail to throw, and will not injure the performers. They are emblazoned with the logo of the Valhalla supper club, and can be used as "stress balls."
At any rate, I would think you would be happy that I am working, so that I can spend money on taking you out on dates. I am saving up for a very special date as we speak.
Dearest April, you haven't said anything about my birthday gift to you. It has been a week. I hope you are well into reading the western canon of literature by now.
I have to get back to work. The first show is over. Now I am supposed to collect the novelty items that were thrown during the first performance and distribute them to the patrons.
Devotedly, Gerald
P.S.--My drinking is nothing to be worried about. My father says it is normal for teenagers to experiment with alcohol to a moderate degree. He is pleased that I am doing this with adult supervision.
At 8:57 PM,
April Patterson said…
ger, the $ is a good thing, but still i miss u! when we were frenching betw 4th & 5th pers yesterday, i told u i was really enjoying the sound & the fury & had just finished the "quentin" section. cuz, u know, u wanted us 2 read ts&tf 2gether & all. when i asked u how far u were in2 it, u were all, "yr eyez r particularly luvly 2day, my april-flower", & then u started 2 feel me up, but the custodian caut us & chased us fr. under the bleacherz.
neway, lemme know when u wanna do the d8. i can hardly w8!
well, i'm sending this fr. the washroom @ the theatre & i don't wanna miss nemore of the movie!
no prob abt the fashion thing, becks.
apes
At 10:57 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest April flower,
I just had a moment to catch my breath here at the Valhalla. I read your last post. I am sorry that I did not remember our scintillating conversation about Faulkner. I was mesmerized by how good your boobs look in your uniform shirt. Also, I am a little hung over tonight.
Thorvald keeps reminding me how important it is to bond with one's future in-laws. He is so wise. To that end, I think our date should be a double date with your parents. This will give us a chance to know each other better. We could go to the Valhalla on Tuesday night. That's the night of the all-you-can-eat prime rib special. It will be my treat of course, my darling.
Devotedly, Gerald
At 2:19 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i hope ur not mad @dirne. wen she asked y u stayed n the bathroom durin’ the movie 4 so long, she thot u mighta been sick. i’ve known u long enuff 2 know u were postin’ 2 ur real blog & thass y u were there so long. i have the same problem, but dirne duzn’t.
dirne wuz not mpressed w/the movie take the lead. she sed, “jeremy, i want u2 know that this iz a lotta stunt dancin’ & not much real ballroom. on a real dance floor, if u did all thoze flips & jumps, u wud hit sumbody.” i sed, “thass gud, cuz i am pretty sure i cudn’t do thoze flips & jumps neway.”
also, wen u read gigli’s & ur posts 2 us, dirne wuz a little disturbed. she sed, “dr. forsythe-delaney lets hiz son take a job where he iz supposed 2 pick up light, aerodynamic nerf throwing thingz off the floor 4 the customerz @a supper club? i am quite surprised he haz not pulled sum stringz 2 get ur bf a classier job.” then aftah u read the part ‘bout the custodian chasin’ u & gigli n2 the bleachers aftah he felt u up, i thot it wuz pretty funny, but dirne scared me wen she stopped breathin’ 4 just a sec. then dirne sed, “april. a proper gf duz not allow herself 2b felt up & chased by custodianz. wut were u thinkin’?” i sed, “dirne, i thot we had an agreement ‘bout my friendz.” dirne sed, “about ur friendz & designer clothez, yes. not ‘bout this kinda behaviour.”
like i sed, i hope ur not mad @dirne.
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