April's Real Blog

Monday, April 03, 2006

April Letters From My Fam

"My" letter (from the committee): LOL, U can C how they totally used old letterz 2 guess what "I" wd say if I wrote a letter. Like last yr, how I sed that stuff abt getting my hair cut. But U saw me yesterday, w/my hair same as alwayz, eh? The prop-bun curse still holds firm, yo!

And that stuff abt Liz xplaining thingz 2 me in a coupla diff ways. That isn't the first time U've seen that from me, eh? Nope check out my December 2005 letter:
Some of the math gives me trouble, but I ask Liz for help sometimes. She can describe the same process in two or three different ways, and most of the time if I don't understand something the first time, the second or third approach makes sense and I can figure it out.
So, like, this committee, besides thinking ppl R afraid of teenagers, they also think teenagers R, like, way redundant. & when was Dad's Bushwhacker ever cool? 1st Monday of Nevuary. And he's not just thinking abt trading NEmore, he's doing it. Keep up, committee! And these peeps sure thing I'm super-obsessed w/driving. Whatevs.

Now, on2 the otherz. I can't vouch 4 if the committee wrote NE of these. MayB Liz, Dee, or Mike will wanna write in & let U know if NEthing is "off" abt their letterz, eh?

Lizzie's letter: Yeah, like "Boozhoo" to you, too! Ooh, so U spent time @ Paul's place, eh? Cube! & U know we all need 2 know more abt this teasing from Paul's relliez, the teasing that made U feel all accepted in2 his fam!

Mom's letter: Aw, man! Well, in honour of Gerald and his luv for Caesar's Gallic Wars, I M going 2 call this part of my comments "All of Elly's Letter is Divided in2 3 Parts". First part: Justifying spending the Mexican vacation doing worky tasks. Like, who does that? Second part: "When I retire, I'm gonna become even more boring than I was B4. Wanna hear all abt it? No? Y'sure? Oh, & I'm gonna xercise!" (LOL, how many timez have we heard that one?) Third part: I'm gonna MICROMANAGE April! O. M. G. & this is gonna B, like, a "gift" 2 me! Pls, peeps, U hafta help keep my mom bizzy! "Happy April"? Unhappy April, morelike! & yeah, I am learning sum more complicated cooking. Not from my mom, tho, but from Howard, who actually knows howta cook stuff that's more gourmet than "burned-butt casserole", LOL!

Dad's letter: OMG, is he going on abt that ode-foax lil house again? I swear, thoze poor ppl R gonna get a restraining order over him one of these days, the way he keeps drooling over their place like that. NOT cube!

Oh, and big LOL on Dad being "mellow" abt me going thru my changes. How many timez have U seen him bellyachin' in his letterz abt losing me as his BFF. ::rolleyez::

Hm, soundz like Dad appreciates Mike's kids more than Mike does (but not more than Mike pretends 2, eh?).

Liz, R U really feelin' all homesick like that? I wd think Paul helps keep that feeling @ bay.

Oh, & look @ dad remembering his associate's name again this month! Everett, not Elliot! Here's a cookie, Dad! This remembering his name mite help make him more enthusiastic abt taking over the practice. But will he really want Dad 2 stick around afterwards? Does he luv punz?

& God help us, Dad's gonna B putting his choo-choos in the yard again soon. I M sooo ready for university! Y can't I B 18 yet?

Mike's letter: Oh, look, peeps--"frivolity:, "factoids", "frenetic"--Mike's still luvvin' the alliteration! & he'z gonna B 30 this month. I wish Dad wd write about what a moody 30something Mike's turning into, what with his hormonez & all, LOL. But he won't. Mom & Dad have settled in2 the "Mike is wonderful" narrative & they're not gonna budge.

OK, Mike? U R turning 30. 30! NOT 50. 30 is not v. old, K? Sheesh.

Oh, & I'm sure Dee really luvved being "ditched" on St. Patty's Day. Poor Dee. & OMG, Mike, "hugged the girls we'd teased in the hallways"? Was this a reunion from university or pre-K? Also, since when does Mike call Weed "Josef Weeder"? Oh, & LOL on his lost nite w/"Jo" in a hotel rm.

Dee's letter: In short, Dee seemz 2 B turning in2 Mom. Snacks, spring cleaning, yada yada, whatevs. In case U were wondering the 2 books Dee gave me were Forever by Judy Blume & Go Ask Alice by "Anonymous". Un4tunately, I've already read 'em both, but it's the thot that counts, eh?

Gramps/Iris: Iris turn again, eh? She'z a good liar, yo. My 'rents R good storytellers & she enjoyed hearing abt the Mex trip? Liar, pants on fire! "I pulled out my own photo album and looked over our honeymoon photos - Jim and I eloped to Europe, if you recall. I enjoyed that trip immensely." Yeah, she did this while Mom an' Dad were showing & telling. LOL! That was priceless! "My children phoned Jim to wish him a happy birthday": Yeah, they have more regard 4 him than the vice versa, eh?

Pets: Committee. "Collies" may be cute, but Dixie NotSheltie ratdog sure isn't! Liz & "pheromone spray"--from Howard?

S'all 4 now!

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 11:40 AM  

4 Comments:

  • At 5:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dear Baby Sister! So kind of you to solicit my commentary about this month's epistle. Well, I'll vouch for the cordial commentary being mine and only mine. However, I am distressed to point out that someone (Mom?) seems to have edited out some of my poetic prose about the play of moonlight on the glistening visage of my dear friend Jo's celestial face. I wonder why?

    Love,

    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 8:58 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey, Apes, y did Mike stay in a hotel overnite when Spadinas only 1 subway stop away fr his home? He cld even walk home in 20 min if he was 2 l8 4 the subway.

    OMG. Nevermind.

     

  • At 9:25 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i dunno, dunc, that's a v. v. good question. mayB he was just looking 4 an xcuse 2 share a hotel room w/weed? but if he were, u'd think he'd come up w/a better one than that, eh? v. weird.

    apes

     

  • At 10:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, sorry 4 not posting earlier. i have been rilly bizzy @skool. neway, i read ur letter & i wuz rilly happy u or that committee d-cided not 2 slam me or mention me @all. & just between us, i am rilly glad ur ridin’ ur bike again. i haven’t seen u do that since i had my accident w/the car & i kinda thot it wuz my fault u didn’t ride nemore.

    lunch 2day wuz kinda awkward. my gf dirne wunted 2 have lunch w/me & wen she sat down, eva & shannon were kinda…diffrent ‘round her. i dunno y. so i wuz glad 2b able 2 talk ‘bout 4-evah frum wut u posted 2day n ur blog ntry. eva sed sumthin’ like, “i dunno y they start jammin’ w/o me & i rilly wish april wud get off this ‘we’re no gud w/o becky’ thing. gerald & duncan don’t talk ‘bout her.” shannon sed, “april…iz…sufferin’…frum…a…loss…of…a…friend…n…her…band…&…she…feelz…betrayed. kinda…like…wen…sum1…who…sed…they…wunted…2b…ur…bf…goez…off…w/anothah…girl.” i sed, “eh?” dirne sed, “i know just wut u mean, shannon. my bff n TO started buyin’ stuff frum thrift storez. it wuz like a dagger n my heart.” shannon sed, “iz…ur…heart…a…designer…heart?” dirne laffed & sed, “i can cy jeremy eats lunch w/u. ur so funny. no i don’t have an artificial heart.”

    i sed, “’bout 4-evah, eva. did u get thingz settled w/april?” eva sed, “i don’t wanna brag, but there r sum peeps who close their eyez & open their mouthz az wide az they can 2 complain, & then there r thoze peeps who do sumthin’ ‘bout their problemz. it’s like thoze guyz who complain ‘bout goin’ on d8s w/awful girlz & ignore a gr8 girl rite next 2 them.” i sed, “eh?” dirne sed, “i know just wut u mean, eva. i just h8 it wen ic a guy go 4 sum girl who iz dressed like a slut & ignorez a rilly nice girl who haz a good fashion sense.” eva sed, “do guyz ignore u a lot, dirne?” dirne laffed & sed, “of course not. i wear a lot of gucci. ur so funny, eva. just like shannon. but u don’t hafta worry ‘bout b-ing ignored. i noticed the way duncan anderson wuz lookin’ @u saturday nite. i think he may b innerested.” eva sed, “duncan anderson iz innerested n sum othah girl.”

    dirne sed, “well mebbe. i noticed he wud walk w/u but he wudn’t sit w/u. wut wuz that about?” eva sed, “i wudn’t know. mebbe it wuz cuz he thot sum othah person wuz innerested n me & he didn’t wanna give the wrong idea.” i sed, “eh?” dirne sed, “ru talkin’ ‘bout gerald? i can c y he mite be innerested n u. hiz gf april didn’t have ne designer clothez on. the clothez she wore 2 her b-day were surprizin’ choices 4 a doctor’s daughter.” eva sed, “surprizin’! surprizin’! i thot her red & green-striped top wuz cute.” dirne sed, “horizontal stripes make u look heavier cuz of the visual illusion of added width. vertical stripes elong8 ur figure. if u hafta get sumthin’ w/horizontal stripes, the skinnier the line, the better or go 4 a slenderizing colour like black, dark brown, navy, burgundy or deep violet or cover it w/a vest. not a bright red & green. thass basic fashion sense.”

    shannon sed, “ur…sayin’…april’z…top…made…her…look… fat.” dirne sed, “but of course. wuzn’t i clear?” eva sed, “i helped her pick out that top.” dirne sed, “oh! i’m sorry. du u h8 april?” eva got up & started walkin’ off. dirne sed, “i musta touched a nerve.” shannon sed, “jeremy. go…aftah…her.” i sed, “wut? y me?” shannon gave me an evil look & so i went aftah eva.

    i sed, “eva w8. dirne didn’t know u helped april pick her top.” eva sed, “i like april & i like the way she dresses. she helped me pick out a dress 4 a weddin’ next month & ur gf prolly thinks it makes me look fat. i don’t wanna have lunch w/u nemore, if she’z gonna b there.” i sed, “it’s just a misunderstandin’.” eva sed, “i’m serious, jeremy. i wud rather watch april patterson droppin’ food outa her mouth wen she eats than eat w/ur gf again.” i sed, “i know how 2 fix this if u will give me a chance. come back 2 the table.” eva sed, “ok. all rite. but u fix it.”

    so eva went back 2 the table w/me & i sed 2 dirne, “i needta ask u a favour.” dirne sed, “wut it iz, bf of mine?” i sed, “cud u not criticize my friends’ fashion choices?” dirne sed, “but of course. i am so sorry, eva. wen it comez 2 fashion, sumtymez i can b rude. it’s sumthin’ i am workin’ on. a good gf duz not drive away her bf’s friendz.” eva sed, “apology accepted. can we talk ‘bout sumthin’ othah than fashion?” dirne sed, “ but of course. u know wut i heard ‘bout fred halbmensch?” shannon sed, “wut?” dirne sed, “i heard he haz developed a phobia of water fountainz cuz of zenia parkinson throwin’ him n 1 last month.” the convo went a lot bettah aftah that.

    then aftah skool, i hadda do a lotta stuff with mr. mirabell on the drama club production of macbeth. he haz sketched out so many lightin’, sound, & fog machine effects, i am gonna b rilly bizzy durin’ the show 2 pull them off. dirne wuz w/me cuz she sed a good gf iz innerested n her bf’s activitiez. well, wen i told mr. mirabell i cudn’t run the fog machine, do the sound fx & handle the follow spot all @1 tyme, dirne sed, “i can help! just show me wut 2 do, jeremy.”

    so i showed dirne how 2 run the follow spot & gave her the script marked 2 show her which peeps 2 follow w/the spot. she wuz havin’ a hard tyme. she came ovah 2 me & sed, “jeremy. i can’t follow this script.” i sed, “wut do u mean?” she sed, “i don’t know which peep iz which.” i sed, “lady macbeth iz the 1 who sez the linez ‘bout the spots.” dirne sed, “which 1 iz she?” i sed, “it’s the goth girl wearin’ w/the black socks w/her uni & she haz an ouroboros tattoo u can c on her back wen she bendz ovah.” dirne sed, “thass much bettah. i can follow thoze directions. ur just the perfect bf. u know just wut 2 say, so i can unnerstand u.” i sed, “thanx.” she did a lot bettah aftah that.

    aftah rehearsal, sum of the drama club went 2 horny tims & i asked dirne if she wunted 2 come. she sed, “i hafta call my mom 2c if it’s ok.” she called her mom & she sed, “my mom sez it’s ok az long az ur payin’.” i sed, “ok. y iz it ‘mportant i pay?” dirne sed, “my mom sez 4 d8s that r w/in ur limited teenage budget, the gf shud allow her bf 2 pay so he can show he can show off n fronta othah peeps.” i sed, “ok. i didn’t know it wuz a d8.” dirne sed, “but of course. when ur bf/gf, everythin’ iz a d8.”

    we went 2 horny tim’s & dirne sed, “let’s sit w/ur friend duncan.” i sed, “do we hafta?” dirne sed, “it’s mportant. i needta show i can b ‘round ur friendz & not drive them away.” i sed, “ok. let’s sit by duncan.” so we sat by duncan, who wuz havin’ a dbl dbl an’ a maple dip.” dirne sed, “i thot u did a good job w/ur actin’” duncan looked around 2c who dirne wuz talkin’ 2. i sed, “she’z talkin’ 2u duncan.” duncan sed, “oh. thanx.” dirne sed, “i thot the girl who played lady macbeth wuz v.v. good. wudn’t u say, duncan?” duncan sed, “she’z good.” dirne sed, “there she iz. wut’s her name, duncan?” duncan sed, “zandra larson.” i sed, “thass zandra larson? ru sure?’

    dirne sed, “i know all about zandra. she’z like 1 of the smartest girlz n skool, evn if it thoze smarts don’t transl8 2 good fashion sense.” dirne called out, “zandra. ovah here. we have an mt seat next 2 duncan.” zandra looked our way & sat down @an mt table. duncan sed, “i just remembahed, i need 2 ask sum1 sumthin’ ‘bout sumthin’.” then he got up. i sed, “wut iz that about?”

    dirne sed, “just watch jeremy.” then duncan went ovah & sat b-side zandra. dirne sed, “i knew it. he wuz watchin’ her all durin’ the rehearsal. ur friend eva wuz rite. do u have ne othah friendz here?” i sed, “not rilly.” dirne sed, “so u don’t mind if we sit w/sum of my friendz?” i sed, “no. y shud i?” dirne sed, “my friendz can be kinda ruff on boyz.” so we got up & sat w/sum of dirne’s friendz who were @horny tims.

    they were all grade 10 like dirne & wearin’ designer clothez. they squealed wen they saw dirne. “dirne. i nevah thot u wud eat n a horny tims.” dirne sed, “my new bf, jeremy likes it & a girl must adapt.” they sed, “ur new bf. he iz an oldah man.” i sed, “i go 2 r.p. boire, just like u do.” they sed, “held back a few yearz?” i sed, “no. not held back.” dirne sed, “girlz, ur just jealous cuz i got a guy who looks like a man & not a high school boy.” they sed, “there’z no mistakin’ him 4 a boy, thass 4 sure.”

    dirne sed, “i saw the icons of elegance exhibit @the bata show museum wen i wuz n TO 4 the l'oréal fashion week. it wuz fabulous.” they sed, “tell us ‘bout wut u saw.” dirne sed, “mackage unnerstands us canadian girlz. just cuz we live n cold country duzn’t mean we can’t b sexy. but arthur mendonca wuzn’t there this seazn.” the girlz sed, “thass 2 bad. he alwayz haz gorgeous stuff.” then dirne sed, “he’s takin’ a break frum the runway, but the new designer 2 look out for iz fantine by stephanie wierzbicki. she had sum standout pieces.” then they talked & talked & talked ‘bout fashion. i wuz completely lost & az mom sez, “wen ur completely lost jeremy, the smartest thing 2 do iz not say nething.” so thass wut i did.

    we left horny timz & her friendz whispered sum stuff 2 her. i sed, “wut wuz that about?” dirne sed, “my friendz like u.” i sed, “u gotta b kiddin’.” dirne sed, “they told me they were mpressed u @least tried 2 follow our fashion talk & u didn’t innerupt 2 talk ‘bout hockey or sum othah sport, like their jock bfs do. u did rilly gud w/them.” i sed, “thanx. i didn’t unnerstand a word u girlz were sayin’.” dirne sed, “but of course.”

    i walked dirne 2 her house frum horny timz & i think we woulda talked more but every tyme we got close 2 sum old peeps they started runnin’ away frum us or crossin’ the street 2 get 2 the othah side away frum us. 1 old lady sed, “don’t mess w/me, u young punks. i lived n mboro 4 30 yrs & i can protect myself. i got mace. stay back.” i sed, “wut wuz that about?” dirne sed, “old peeps n mboro r afraid of teenagerz. it’s 1 of the many weird thingz ‘bout this town.”

    we got 2 dirne’s house & her dad opened the door. he sed, “dirne. is this ur 3rd d8 w/jeremy?” dirne sed, “if u count the 1st 1 w/u & mom there, yes.” dirne’s dad sed, “ok. young lady. bring ur bf n2 the house.” so we went n2 the house. dirne’z dad sed, “u have 15 minutes. dirne.” i sed, “wut do they mean u have 15 minutes?” dirne sed, “on the 3rd d8 w/ur bf, ur suppozed 2 go 2 1st base.” i sed, “i get theze base thingz confuzed. wut iz 1st?” dirne sed, “french kissin’.” i sed, “ok.” so we french kissed & dirne’z dad sed, “dirne. watch the handz. only 1st base on the 3rd d8.” dirne pulled her handz back. rite @15 minutes, dirne’s dad sed, “tymez up.” dirne sed, “cu 2morrow my bf.” i sed, “cu 2morrow.” i like kissin’ dirne, but it wuz kinda creepy w/her dad tymin’ us.

    overall, it wuz a pretty good day. i hafta work on that essay thass due on wednesday now.

     

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