(Extreme) Band Makeover
So, once Eva started singing w/us during this past Sunday's practice, thingz just kinda fell in2 place & we had a really gr8 practice. We were all talkin' @ once, so I'm not even sure who sed what, but one of us was all, "That was an epic practice, Eva!" Sum1 else sed, "U've got the moves, girl!" And sum1 sed, "And U can definitely sing!" Eva was, like, "Thanks!" And "I wish I cd play keyboard." Dunc was all sorts of "No problem--there R other ppl we can try out!" Cuz I guess he got Gramps's memo. And I went, "It meanz changing our name." Dunc: "I'm cool with that. Is every1 on board 4 a total band makeover?" Then, all @ the same time, Ger, Dunc & I were shouting, "MAKEOVER! MAKEOVER! MAKEOVER!" Then my brain hadta go in2 st00pid "Patterson pun" mode, & I thot, "This is extreme." Y'know, like the TV show Extreme Makeover? Thank godfully, I only thot it & didn't say it out loud. 'Course now I'm admitting the whole thing, but still. Rite after I had that thot, I turned and noticed that Eva was giving Dunc the strangest look, like her eyez were nearly closed & she was half smirking & half smiling. And Dunc was staring at her, like he was sort of, I dunno, alarmed? And have U noticed Eva's been lookin' really diff l8ly? Tho I'm having a hard time remembering what she usta look like, 4 sum reason.
Howard, OMG, I can't believe that abt the Hell'z Angelz attacking the Valhalla & U, like single-Howardly beating 'em down! So scary! I M glad U R OK. Man, the odefoax in this town R so freakee 4 thinking those HA's were teenagers. Geezo! But I guess that's Y I heard sum oldiez referring 2 "Howard the Hero" & "Howard the Avenger" when I stopped in @ Mr. Singh's store yesterday afternoon.
Glad Becks is OK, 2!
Apes
Howard, OMG, I can't believe that abt the Hell'z Angelz attacking the Valhalla & U, like single-Howardly beating 'em down! So scary! I M glad U R OK. Man, the odefoax in this town R so freakee 4 thinking those HA's were teenagers. Geezo! But I guess that's Y I heard sum oldiez referring 2 "Howard the Hero" & "Howard the Avenger" when I stopped in @ Mr. Singh's store yesterday afternoon.
Glad Becks is OK, 2!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 8:32 AM
11 Comments:
At 11:01 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, dirne & i noticed the same thing ‘bout az u 'bout eva. dirne sed 2 me, “ur friend eva’z appearance haz changed this week.” i sed, “wut do u mean?” dirne sed, “she iz wearing big earrings, & more makeup & if didn’t know bettah, i wud swear she haz had a nose job.” so asked eva ‘bout it & she sed, “jeremy. i am tryin’ sum new thingz iz all. i feel gr8. i feel really alive & peeps r payin’ attention 2 me 4 the 1st tyme. it’s the best i have felt since last december. do u like my new look?” i sed, “do u want my honest opinion?” eva sed, “of course, jeremy.” i sed, “i think ur hott.” eva sed, “thanx jeremy. that wuzn’t wut i wuz xxpectin’ u2 say.” i sed, “dirne thinks u look bettah 2.” eva sed, “yes, dirne. so glad u mentioned her. i think i am gonna find duncan.” & she left w/this kinda smug look on her face.
At 11:48 AM,
Anonymous said…
Thanks for the compliments! I'm thinking that having been erased made my face sort of in limbo? And now it's like I've been slightly redrawn, or, like, revised? Anyway, like Jeremy said, I just feel great! But I keep having this weird urge to make a smirky, almost gloaty face. I never used to be like that.
Eva
At 12:34 PM,
Anne said…
It's so cool ur a real person again, Eva! @ least ur not alone on the issue of physical forces beyond ur control--look @ how Apes' hair goes n2 a propellor bun even tho she hates that style, & Gerald's height changes from day 2 day.
Even Apes' house was well, disconcerting. That's the word my mom used when I told her about it. The partee on Sat. was hella fun, but I could've sworn the front door had a window n it, & then all of a sudden it was just a solid door w/a mail slot n the middle. Then I saw these French doors leading 2 a deck n the den, but then it was just a single door. Maynard once sed when u c strange stuff like that it's usally bcause ur not drinking enough 2 keep ur powers of perception n balance.
Vicks
At 12:40 PM,
Anonymous said…
vicki, i know xxactly wut u mean ‘bout april’z house. i hadta walk dirne 2 the bathroom so she wudn’t get lost & then we both got lost on the way back. that hallway that goez thru the bedroom confuzes me every tyme. i think the peep who designed april’z house iz the same 1 who designed the winchester house n the st8s.
At 4:08 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your band makeover, which is what we would call in Ojibwe wayeshkadin (new beginning). Your sister experiences new beginnings often with her houseplants. She was using pheromone spray to keep Shiimsa from eating her plants, which I think she told you killed her plants. Vivian Crane explained to her pheromone sprays are used to prevent cats from doing territorial marking like spraying or scratching. They mimic the cat’s natural pheromones and are supposed to calm the cat and reduce the impulse to urine mark or scratch. They are not supposed to kill houseplants or have anything to do with eating plants.
No one knows why cats eat plants, so Vivian suggested painting the underside of the leaves of her flower plants with an excruciatingly hot chile oil and then spraying the top of the leaves with a perfume diluted about 1:100 with water. That would keep Shiimsa away from your sister’s favourite plants, if she had any that were still alive. Vivian is very smart when it comes to cats.
I also read about how you felt the urge to say a pun. I think this is a tradition in your family. Your sister has told me she finds me more attractive when I make a pun. So, when I speak to your sister at our regular phone time, I try to make at least one pun. I don’t know if I mentioned to you, your sister and I have a regular phone time. I am very careful not to call too late. Once I did and your sister was very upset with me. She gets worried something has happened to me if I don’t call at the exact same time every night. Your sister likes her habits. One of her other habits is to look around for the signs that I’ve have visited her after I leave. I usually make up a few signs that say, “Paul was here” and put them around her apartment. She said she really likes it when she finds my signs.
I have not really known anyone like your sister before. She is unique and that's another reason why I fell in love with her.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 4:38 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, vicks, it's so true abt my house. that's what messes w/me sumtymez @ school--i keep expecting the bldg 2 change on me, & then it nev doez.
paul, new b-ginnings can b cool, eh? it's true that puns r a tradition in my fam, but they're a tradition that i h8, so i m trying 2 resist it. not all traditions r gd.
apes
At 5:37 PM,
howard said…
April,
The Valhalla reopens tonight and Becky’s dad Thorvald has inserted a new part into my act, at least for the early evening older person crowd. During the course of my performance Orque comes on the stage wearing an old woman’s print dress and a white-haired wig. Then Basher comes out in a R.P. Boire school uniform and says things to Orque like, “You’ve got the moves, girl! I would like to practice my epic skills on you.” until he gets some kind of audience anti-teen reaction. Then I am supposed come onto the stage and club Basher over the head with a rubber bat and say, “Don’t mug that old lady, you teenager.” Basher falls to the ground and I am supposed drag him off the stage. Then I come back and say, “You are safe from the open morals and values of that teenager.” Then Orque is supposed to come over to me and pinch my cheek and say, “Thanks for saving me. You’re a nice young man and a good student.” Thorvald thinks it will be a hit. I think it is awful. Simply awful. At least it doesn’t take very long to do, so it will be over quickly. I have to go and rehearse it again now. Thorvald is obsessed. He is expecting a huge crowd tonight. Wish me luck!
Howard K.
At 5:42 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, howard, that soundz terrible. becks txt-ed me & told me she was on her way 2 the club 2 try & talk her dad outta that!
apes
At 7:41 PM,
howard said…
April,
That was amusing. Becky came in the door of the Valhalla performance area and it swung open wide and knocked Orque out cold. Thorvald said, “Becky-Thora, you’ve knocked out our leading lady. You must take his place. Put on this wig and dress quick.” Becky said, “I’ve come here to put a stop to this nonsense.” But the next thing Becky knew Thorvald had strapped the wig on her and shoved her onto the stage where I was performing. I said, “What are you doing here, Becky?” Then Basher came out dressed in the R.P. Boire uniform and did his lines as a teenager and whipped the audience into an anti-teen frenzy. They were screaming, “Smash the whippersnapper, Howard.” And “Show that teenager we don’t approve of open morals here in Milborough.” So, I did the bit where I whacked Basher over the head with the rubber bat and he did a pretty fake fall and I dragged him off the stage. The crowd started yelling and screaming and shouting. It was kind of scary, actually. When I came back on stage, Becky was trying to get the wig off her head and I said, “I wouldn’t do that, Becky. Look at the crowd. Not exactly teen friendly.” Becky left the wig on. Thorvald started yelling, “Pinch his cheek and say, ‘Thanks for saving me. You’re a nice young man and a good student.’” Becky said, “You’ve got to be kidding.” But the crowd was getting even more boisterous and I think Becky felt more than a little pressured. So, she did the line, and it brought down the house. They were yelling outrageously and ordering more food and, much to my surprise, Brennevin. Becky and I did a little bow and exited. Thorvald was beside himself. He said, “Becky-Thora, you did that much better than Orque. He is not very convincing as an old lady. You should do it every night.” Becky said, “I am not doing that again.” Before Thorvald could protest, he and Basher were summoned to help out serving food. He said, “We’re a hit, Howard!” Becky is now waiting backstage for the early supper crowd to calm down and leave so she can go home.
Howard K.
At 7:59 PM,
April Patterson said…
ok, howard, that xplainz the txt message i just got from becks. she was, like, "apes! i can't believe my father's being such an idiot. if he stirs up all this teen-h8, how does he fig that'll help my weekend shows?"
good question, eh?
apes
At 8:49 PM,
howard said…
April,
I can answer that one easily from my own performance experience, which Becky may not know, since she has only performed at the Valhalla one weekend. The early evening shows on weekends attract more of the young family crowds, because their kids are out of school and the next day is not a school day. The elderly prefer the early bird evening weekday shows, because the dinner and the admission are discounted and the shows are set earlier, specifically by Thorvald to attract the elderly. It probably won't affect her weekend shows at all, except for the occasional old person who forgets what day of the week it is.
Howard K.
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