Eva Sings and Plays the Racquet
K, so Eva came by 2 practice w/us Sunday, cuz as U mite remember, we'd set that up a few dayz B4. Jeremy was originally gonna jam w/us 2, but he had other stuff get in the way. I'll let him xplain. NEway, Ger musta 4got, cuz when I went to answer the door, Ger was all, "April invited Eva 2 our practice?" & Dunc musta 4gotten that we've all heard how good Eva's singing voice is, cuz he was, like, "Yeah. Apparently, she can really sing." Then Ger was all, "But we need a singer who can play keyboard, Man!" Cuz I guess he didn't get Grandpa Jim's memo about getting another musician. Then he added, "Eva plays... tennis!" That when Eva walked in & sed, "Hi, Guys!" & Dunc smiled @ her, saying, "What's wrong w/another stringed instrument?" & Ger looked on w/a kinda "D'oh" look while Eva sorta smirked.
Becks, U R rite, we really were smokin' when we were puttin' potion in our motion back when we performed as 4-Evah @ school in grade 8. Dunno Y Ger 4got that,eh? He's the one who was actin' all "pimp my girlz" w/us.
Apes
Becks, U R rite, we really were smokin' when we were puttin' potion in our motion back when we performed as 4-Evah @ school in grade 8. Dunno Y Ger 4got that,eh? He's the one who was actin' all "pimp my girlz" w/us.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:58 AM
13 Comments:
At 11:18 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, u guyz jammed on sunday? i guess it musta been aftah my mom & i hauled that steel bookcase away. or mebbe it wuz b4 wen i wuz w/dirne & mr. & mrs. aufkleber goin’ 2 church. i dunno. i missed it tho. sorry.
this morning i started walkin’ dirne 2 skool. we cud take the bus, but dirne sed since she iz n grade 10 & i’m n grade 9, we shud walk so we can have more tyme 2gethah. that wuz a pretty gud idea i thot, till this crevasse sedan pulled up b-side us & ur father sed, “u wanna ride 2 skool jeremy? u can bring u little friend along 2.” dirne sed, “i dunno jeremy. my dad sez not 2 ride w/strangerz.” i sed, “don’t worry. it’s dr. p. april’z dad. the worse thing that’s gonna happ iz a strange convo.”
so dirne & i got n2 the crevasse sedan. i sed, “so u bot the sedan, dr. p? i thot u were goin’ 4 a truck.” ur dad sed, “well, jeremy, i rilly wunted the truck, but my best friend made the mistake of tellin’ my wife a big truck wuz a cooler car than evn my old bushwhacker. so now i have a crevasse sedan. it’s not the same colour as my wife’s tho.” dirne sed, “it’s a nice car, dr. p.” dr. p sed, “i’m sorry. have we been introduced?” i sed, “u met her last sunday wen u were on the forklift. this is dirne aufkleber.” dr. p sed, “that forklift wuz a sweet ride. i wish i cud have kept it. but a few rounds with my wife’s frying pan put that desire 2 rest.” dirne sed, “i hope she didn’t hurt u.” dr. p sed, “oh no. elly haz the muscle tone of a refrigerator.” i sed, “refrigerators don’t have muscles.” dr. p sed, “xxactly. so dirne, wut iz ur relationship w/jeremy?” dirne sed, “i am jeremy’z gf.” dr. p sed, “well, good 4u. i thot jeremy needed sum1 aftah that tyme wen he impregnated april. or wuz that gerald? i can’t remembah.” dirne sed, “wut?” i sed, “i nevah impregnated april. neither did gerald.” dr. p sed, “oh. thass rite. i get v.v. confuzed theze dayz.”
we swerved on2 a side street & dr. p sed, “lemme show u my retirement house, jeremy.” i sed, “u’ve showed this 2 me b4.” dr. p sed, “but dirne hazn’t seen it. look, there. isn’t it a beauty? it’s little wartime house that sits on 2 large lots that still survives, & iz nicely looked aftah by an older man.” i sed, “dr. p. the last tyme u showed me ur retirement home, it wuz an original home in ur development, was on 3 lots & an old couple lived n it.” dr. p sed, “it wuz?” i sed, “yes. dr. p. don’t u remembah?” ur dad sed, “oh. thass rite. i get v.v. confuzed theze dayz.”
ur dad sed, “this crevasse haz a gr8 sound system. lemme play u a song i like.” he put on jewel's "hands" & started singin’ along w/it:
if i could tell the world just one thing
it would be that we're all ok
and not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
and useless in times like these
i won't be made useless
i won't be idle with despair
poverty stole your golden shoes
it didn't steal your laughter
and heartache came to visit me
but i knew it wasn't ever after
ur dad sed, “i rilly like that song.” i sed, “i cud tell by the way u were singin’ it.” dirne sed, “wut do u like ‘bout the song? ru havin’ financial difficultiez, dr. p?” dr. p sed, “no. y wud u think that?” dirne sed, “cuz the song iz ‘bout not worryin’ evn wen u lost everythin’.” dr. p sed, “it iz? i thot iz wuz ‘bout the line ‘worry is wasteful’, cuz mosta the thingz u worry ‘bout nevah happen! it wuz all ‘bout oldah dadz who luv havin’ kidz, cuz once u r ovah 40, u have done mosta the things u have wanted 2 do career wise, & r comfortable financially, & u appreciate the small things in life, like kids.” i sed, “there’z nothin’ n the song ‘bout oldah dadz or kidz.” dirne sed, “b-sidez, my dad iz turnin’ 40 & he sez he haz @least anothah 25 yrs b4 he iz done career wise.” ur dad sed, “oh. i guess ur rite. i get v.v. confuzed theze dayz.”
i sed, “so wut r u gonna do w/ur old house, dr. p?” ur dad sed, “it’s elly's & my dream that my son, michael will move n2 it w/hiz famly. it’s a gr8 place. perfect 4 raisin’ kidz.” dirne sed, “dr. p. thass such a nice thot. r there lots of families w/yung kidz n ur neighbourhood?” ur dad sed, “lemme think. there’z the poiriers, enjos, nicholz, andersonz, mcguirez, forsythez, & no. i don’t think there r ne.” dirne sed, “dr. p. i hope i don’t upset u, but ur house may not b the best 1 4 ur son 2 live in. most young couplez like 2 live n neighbourhoodz where there r kidz 4 their kidz 2 play w/.” ur dad sed, “they do?” i sed, “i think dirne iz rite, dr. p” ur dad sed, “oh. i guess ur rite. i get v.v. confuzed theze dayz.”
he dropped us off @r.p. boire & sed, “it’s off 2 work for me. it’s tuff workin’ evry day wen my wife haz retired & can sleep till 10.” i sed, “isn’t 2day ur day off?” ur dad sed, “wut? no i work every day.” i sed, “i cud swear u told me last month u were workin’ 4 dayz a week now.” ur dad sed, “oh. i guess ur rite. i get v.v. confuzed theze dayz.”
az we went n2 skool, dirne sed 2 me, “wut a nice guy. 2 bad ‘bout the alzheimer’z.” i sed, “wut?” dirne sed, “he haz all the signz. memory loss. confusion. & he so yung 2. it’s kinda sad.” i sed, “dr. p duzn’t have alzheimer’z.” dirne sed, “wut iz it then?” i sed, “i think he haz taken 2 many blows 2 the head w/a fryin' pan.” dirne sed, “if u say so.”
that wuz my morning.
At 12:24 PM,
Anonymous said…
Jeremy is such a perfect boyfriend, and he knows just what to say to adults. I'm posting here because I think a girlfriend should find out where her bf likes to post and post there too. April, I must say your dad is, well, interesting? He'd look much nicer with designer clothes, but I didn't say anything since Jeremy warned me against that.
Dirne
At 12:25 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, jeremy, dirne. my dad is such a freak. i dunno what's wrong w/him, but i guess the frying-pan theory's as good as ne.
apes
At 1:06 PM,
Anne said…
Hiya every1, sorry I didn't post yestahday, but I was @ North York General Hospital after skool w/Gordie. He's n 4 tests after singing Yves Montand songs all Sunday & Monday. His mom knew sumthing was definitely wrong then.
Neway, he's talking about organizing a 4-Evah "street team" if u guyz regroup. He thinks he can post fliers ezily since he's fast on his s8board. I told him 2 stick 2 online steps like managing a My Space page, but he wants 2 keep it "old skool."
Vicks
At 2:00 PM,
April Patterson said…
vicks, yeah, w/myspace, @ least he wdn't get injured, eh? hope he's ok soon!
apes
At 3:10 PM,
Anne said…
Thanx 4 the good wishes, Apes! Dr. Klebrige-Fingernägel prescribed him some Vicodin, so that should help him feel better. He also ordered him 2 stay n bed 4 a week. That's even more skool he'll miss, but @ least he'll b away from his sk8board.
Dirne, it'd cube 2 go shopping n the Bloor-Yorkville district sumtime w/u! I'm glad u suggested it. I love shopping 4 clothes, but it'd b good 2 shop w/sum1 who knows the best boutiques. Ne1 else who wants 2 join us, feel free. There r so many freaks n that area, ppl won't think we're a violent gang....lol.
Vicks
At 3:46 PM,
Anonymous said…
vicki, dirne told me 2 tell u she haz a standin' policy 2 accept all invites 2 shop 4 clothez. netime u wanna shop she’z reddy. bloor-yorkville iz 1 of her favrite places n the world, cuz they have prada, hermes & gucci, az well az harry rosen, holt renfrew, stollery's & club monaco. also, i hafta come 2, cuz dirne sez my wardrobe iz lackin’ evn the most basic necessities 4 a well-dressed guy, which iz prolly true. dirne iz rilly xxcited i have a female friend who likes shoppin’ 4 nice clothez. me 2, cuz i can’t rilly talk that language, so dirne will have sum1 2 talk 2 wen she shops.
At 4:36 PM,
Anonymous said…
But of course I'm excited! This is all for such a great cause. Fashion!
Dirne
At 4:56 PM,
Anne said…
That is sooo true, Dirne! U could totally help these poor celebs out too.
Mayb we can find Gordie more stylish hats while we're there.
Vicks
At 6:37 PM,
Anonymous said…
Those are truly sins against fashion at that website, Vicki. They make me almost cry! I have to call Jeremy now for comfort.
Dirne
At 7:02 PM,
Anonymous said…
I have a theory about why Duncan and Gerald both forgot about having heard me sing. I think it has something to do with when I was erased. I discussed my theory with Jeremy, Shannon, and Dirne at lunch today. I think Jeremy's the only one who can actually remembered that I'd been erased. Besides me, that is.
Anyway, the forces that tried to erase me did an incomplete job. So with Jeremy's help, I was able to get unerased. While I was erased, Jeremy was the only one who could see, hear, touch, or even remember me. That was part of the "incomplete" thing. When I was unerased, everyone's memory was restored. But what if that was incomplete? Like people remember me, but they forget certain details. Maybe different people remember or forget different things?
I don't know. I get a headache when I think about this stuff too long.
Eva
At 10:05 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your band rehearsal and also your comments on your family’s monthly letters. It is good you are spending time with friends and letting people know what you are doing. One of the best parts about reading your writing is I feel like I know you, even though we have never met. I am concerned what you wrote about your friend Gerald. I hope he is not considering becoming a pimp. That would not be a good choice.
As you can tell from your sister’s monthly letter, she did come to visit me in Otter County where I live. My time in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) with Shiimsa over her March break was not very good and your sister decided we should spend some time together without Shiimsa. So she agreed to come to visit me at my place when I left for Otter County. I was a little nervous about this, because I had not prepared for her to come visit and I did not want her to see what a wiinadit (slob) I am. She told me my place was nice - clean, bright and almost Spartan; but I could tell she was not happy when she saw it, because she later said seeing my place makes it easier for her to picture me while we're apart, and that having a mental image allows her to miss me less. That was not what I wanted to hear. I will have to do a better keeping my place clean. I wouldn’t want to lose your sister over a little housekeeping.
I think I may have told you my parents live in White River, but I don’t think I told you my uncle and his family live in Otter County near me. Your sister and I went to visit him for dinner and I think it went well. This is my uncle, who is my mother’s brother and his family is all Ojibwe. My uncle said, “So this is the girl you have been saying, ‘There’s a girl in my life!’. My aunt said, “She is so pretty. She is a lot prettier than Ojibwe women. Paul, I don’t think you could find a single Ojibwe woman in all Ontario prettier than your girl.” Your sister said miigwech (thank you). My uncle said, “She speaks Ojibwe too. I guess she speaks Ojibwe better than Ojibwe women too.” Your sister laughed and said, “No. I don’t. I like Native humour though. I am used to you Ojibwe folks poking fun at me.” My uncle said, “I am sure you are. I have heard about Southern girls. Do you get poked often?” Your sister said, “I like to think I have been accepted in my home in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). The natives there often tease me. The more you are teased, the more accepted you feel.” My aunt said, “In that case, I think we can make you feel very welcome and accepted here.” I said to your sister, “I think they like you. I have never heard them compliment anyone like they are complimenting you.”
My aunt said, “How is your beadwork, Elizabeth?” Your sister said, “My skills are improving, but I am not expert.” My aunt said, “Let’s do some beads together.” While your sister and my aunt did beadwork, my uncle said to me, “You’ve fallen in love with her, I suppose.” I said, “Is it that obvious?” My uncle said, “Painfully. What are those scratches all over your face?” I said, “Elizabeth has a cat. She scratches.” My uncle said, “Doesn’t keep her cat under control?” I said, “It’s my fault. I provoke her cat.” My uncle said, “It sounds like the cat has the best sense of all of you.” I said, “Her cat is very smart.”
Then I heard my aunt speaking. She said, “That’s not a Native bead pattern. What pattern are you following?” Your sister said, “I like to do sparkly bead patterns. The Native patterns are too dull.” My aunt said, “I should have known you would do beadwork better than any Ojibwe women.” Your sister said, “Miigwech (thank you). But I am not as good as my friend Laurie. She has been giving me some beading lessons, off and on.” My aunt said, “Your friend Laurie does sparkly beads too?” Your sister said, “No. She follows a Native pattern.” My aunt said, “If you don’t follow your teacher, then why do you do beads?” Your sister said, “Beadwork is one of those things I do while I watch TV, when my cat will let me.” My aunt said, “Let’s have dinner, unless you would like to cook something better than my Ojibwe cooking?” Your sister said, “You are funny. I can’t take myself too seriously around here. I have to have the ability to laugh at myself.” My aunt said, “That is a good ability to have. I find I can laugh at you too.” My uncle said, “Me two.” I said, “Me three.” My aunt and uncle stared at me and then we all started laughing. We had a lot of laughs with my aunt and uncle.
After we left, I asked your sister what she thought of my aunt and uncle. She said, “I like your relatives; they're noisy, affectionate and very informal.” That was what I wanted to hear. Someday I may get to visit your sister’s relatives, including you, and I hope it goes as well.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 12:34 AM,
howard said…
April,
I haven’t posted recently because I did not want to distress you overmuch and Becky has been kind enough to keep it quiet. The other night I was about to do my early evening performance at the Valhalla, the one that is usually attended by the Milborough elderly, when an old woman came in my dressing room. I said, “Excuse me, ma’am, but this is my dressing room and the show will start in about 5 minutes.” She said, “Don’t go out there. There are teenagers out there. It isn’t safe.” I said, “Teenagers? What do you mean teenagers?” She said, “Teenagers as in a person between the ages of 13 and 19 years of age.” I said, “There’s nothing dangerous about teenagers.” She said, “Yes there is.” I said, “I will go out and show you there is nothing wrong.” She said, “You do that, but I am staying in here.” So, I went out to the performance stage of the Valhalla.
It was quite a shock. Most of the tables had been thrown over. The elderly people were cowering in a corner, yelling epithets like, “Young punks. If your mothers had eased up a little bit, you wouldn’t have turned to a life of drugs and alcohol.” And “The world has changed. Morals and values are out in the open and being trampled on by you teenagers.” And “Don’t threaten me with your teenage emotional extremes.” And “Never trust a teenager. They are all up to no good. They like to mug old ladies.”
I looked to see to whom they were yelling and it was a group of armed men. I swore. “It’s the Hell’s Angels. What are they doing here?” They had guns pointed at Thorvald, and Orque and Basher and the other employees of the Valhalla. Thorvald was saying, “This is Bandido territory. You Angels are making a mistake coming here. By Odin’s one good eye, if I had Battle Troll, you would feel its blade.” The Angels said, “Shut up old man. Where’s the safe?” One of the Angels was trying to get to an old woman’s purse and she was yelling, “Keep your hands off me, you teenager.” The Angel smacked her across the face and she crumpled to the floor and then everything went black.
The next thing I remember was an elderly woman yelling at me to stop. She said, “It’s nice you are strangling that teenager, young man, but I think you should stop before he turns any bluer.” There was someone’s throat in my hands and I let him go. Then things went black again.
The next thing I remember was Thorvald shaking me awake. I said, “What happened?” Thorvald said, “Friend Howard. As Thor was glad to meet his beloved Sif, I am glad to see you are all right. Remind me never to get into a fight with you. You are as fierce in battle as Thor wielding his hammer, Mjolnir.” Orque was there and so was Officer Brad Luggsworth. The officer said, “I am going to need to get a statement from you, if you are able.” I said, “A statement? What happened?” Thorvald said, “It is like when Odin’s raven Munin or Memory left his shoulder to fly through Midgard.” Officer Luggsworth sighed and said, “What do you remember?” I said, “I remember one of the Hell’s Angels hit an old woman and not much else after that. My hands really hurt for some reason.” Thorvald said, “We have doctored them as well as we can, but you should go to the hospital.” I said, “What happened to my hands?” Thorvald said, “Do you truly not remember, Howard?” Officer Luggsworth said, “According to the testimony of other witnesses to the crime scene, you assaulted, and disarmed a group of Hell’s Angels who were robbing the place.” An old man said, “Hell’s Angels. Bah! They are nothing compared to the gang of teenagers, this man beat up.” Officer Luggsworth said, “Of course most of the witnesses testify you beat up teenagers. It is so hard to prosecute crimes against the elderly in this town.”
We went to the hospital and they cleaned up my hands and bandaged them up. Naturally, since most of my work involves the use of my hands, I couldn’t go into the salon or do cleaning. When she wasn’t at school, Becky has been my nurse with Drew helping as best he can (which is to say when he was not trying to kiss Becky). My bud Becky is a very, good nurse.
Finally this morning I was well enough to return to Sugar’s salon but I was not expecting the welcome waiting for me there. There was a long line of old women, each wearing a button that said, “Howard Beats Teens” on it. I was busy, busy, busy giving shamp-Ohs until the salon closed, and each old lady had to tell where she was and what she was doing at the Valhalla during the attack of the “teenagers.” They also took great delight in describing to me how I looked, in my revealing Norse goddess dress, with my ying-yang hanging out and smashing the faces of those pimply, rude teenagers. One lady said, “There’s nothing I like looking at more than a half-naked muscular man, wearing a dress, and smacking around young hooligans.” And April, the noises they made during the shamp-Ohs. I have never heard anything like it. Usually old ladies are docile and a little embarrassed when they make shamp-Oh noises, but today, it was like some kind of competition to see who could make the loudest and most vulgar sounds. Even I was getting kind of embarrassed.
Sugar was extremely happy though. She raised the price of the shamp-Ohs and started calling them Howard’s Celebrity Teen Smackdown Shamp-Ohs. I think Marjee was appalled by the whole thing, but I was so busy, I didn’t have time to talk to her.
Needless to say, the Valhalla is temporarily closed for repairs to the damage inflicted by the Hells Angels. Thorvald came to Becky’s house tonight and said, “Howard. How would you feel if we planted a couple of teenagers in the audience each night for you to beat up?” Becky said, “No way, Fafa. That’s not going to happen, Howard. I will make sure of it. Don’t worry.” Thorvald said, “But Becky-Thora. Think of how much it will attract the old folks in Milborough if they can see teenagers beaten every night.” Becky said, “I’m a teenager and I think it is a very bad idea to encourage people to beat teenagers. Do you want people to start beating me?” Thorvald said, “Sorry, Becky-Thora. It was just an idea.”
Anyway, I thought I would let you know the reason I have not posted lately and the reason why Becky has not posted as often as she usually does. I am quite well now, so you do not need to worry.
Howard K.
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