April's Real Blog

Sunday, April 09, 2006

You never know with Michael writers

I got another e-mail from Dee. Looks like she sent it last nite. Here's what she sez:
Hello, 'April'!

Just thought I'd 'drop' you a note and tell you a little 'story' about your 'brother'. 'Robin' and I went up to that 'attic' of Michael's to tell him about 'dinner' being ready, and right 'away', I could tell he was completely absorbed in that 'tick-tap tappitta tap tik tap tap tikka tap tick-a-tappita tik-tapp tick tap tick tapp tap tic tickata-tap tick tap-tap tappitaticka tapp tap tick tap tic tick tappita tick tap tik tickita tap-tap tick tap tick tick tap tick tap tick tap tap tick tickka tap' writing of his. So I decided to do a little 'test' to see how out of it he really 'was'. I said, "How's it going?" Without looking at me or stoping his 'tick tappita' crap, he said, "Uh huh." Then I said, "This is your wife speaking." Same response as above. Then, I tried, "Aliens have taken over the city." He tick-ticked and said, "OK." Then, I told him, "The sky has turned a dark red. People are fleeing their homes in terror." Michael: "Uh-huh." (tick tap) Me: "Power is being cut off. Highways are gridlocked." Michael: "That's nice." (tap tick tickka tap) Finally, I said, "Dinner's ready. If you're not at the table in 3 minutes, we'll eat without you." He said, "OK." But of course, I didn't know whether we'd see his face again tonight. But just as I was getting 'Robin' set up in his 'high' chair, your brother appeared, eyes on the food, grabbing at his chair to 'sit' down at the table with us. I was thinking, "Writers! ...You never know when they're listening!" And Merrie said, "Mommy, Attic Guy is here!" And I said, "'Meredith', he likes to be 'called' Daddy."

Anyway, April, I guess I 'know' what you must be thinking, based on some of your 'previous' comments on your 'real' blog. You're probably thinking this isn't a 'writer' thing, it's a 'Michael' thing. And if you are 'thinking' that, I must say, you 'have' a point. When I 'tell' myself these things about writers, I think I'm trying to make myself feel 'better' about my 'marriage'.

When you get a 'chance', please ask your friend 'Howard' whether his 'aunt' has said anything about the children playing a disturbing game called 'the ticka-tappa monster'. Just the other day, she 'knocked' at our apartment door and deposited the 'children' at my feet, shaking her head and saying, "Tell them there's no such thing as a 'ticka-tappa monster'."

Best,

'Dee'
Well, it's not hard to guess what the whole "ticka-tappa monster" thing is about, eh? But Howard might have more to say about this. And, yeah, it totally figures that the one thing that, like, got thru 2 Mike was food. Bet he ran rite back up 2 his hideaway the sec he finished his last bite.

Apes

Edit: Ger, if U R sure U wanna do a dbl d8 w/my 'rents, U R on. I M sure they'll luv it. Tho do U think Mr. McGuire really has enuf food that Elly Patterson and all the other customerz can do an all-U-can-eat buffet? I mean, U've seen my mom eat, eh?

Jeremy, I'm not mad @ Dirne, tho I was surprised abt her strong reactions abt thingz. She takes a lot of stuff v. seriously, I guess.

posted by April Patterson @ 9:48 AM  

14 Comments:

  • At 12:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dear Baby Sister,

    I have the best wife that ever wifed! I must say, her ambrosia-soup last night was delightfully, delicately delicious! I licked my bowl clean before dashing deliriously back up to my looming lair.

    By the way, have you espied my spouse's posterior of late? It is more shapely and well-muscled than ever. I must sing the praises of ashtanga yoga! Hmm, that would make a great column! I'm going to start making notes right away. Where's my handy-dandy notebook? Oh, there it is, next to my "writers do it distractedly" coffee mug. That Dee, what a card!

    Love,

    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 7:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April, it's such a shame that your father did not give your brother better instruction on how a proper husband and father behaves. I would expect more from a well-respected dentist! This is all very, very disappointing. Of course, Jeremy cannot count on his father for these things. I'll have to find him some books and instructional DVD's.

    Dirne

     

  • At 7:25 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dirne, my brother is pretty hopeless. i think there's a gd chance he'd have been that way no matter what my dad did.

    apes

     

  • At 7:49 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    It is interesting you would mention the '”ticka-tappa monster.” I had not heard anything about it, so I called my aunt Winnie Kelpfroth to ask. She said, “You’ve been a bad nephew Howard. You haven’t visited in so long, I thought you had forgotten all about us.” I made my apologies and she said, “As a matter of fact, I remember the ticka-tappa monster very well. I had come home from bowling one evening and found the upstairs boy and girl playing together in my foyer as usual. When I went to my door, the little girl came up to me and said, ‘Watch out. Don’t let the ticka-tappa monster get you.’ I said, ‘The ticka-tappa monster? What is the ticka-tappa monster?” The little girl said, ‘It’s a monster with one eye like a TV. When the ticka-tappa monster gets you, you can’t talk, and you can’t walk. All you do is play with it.’ I thought they were playing an imagination game so I said, ‘Can the ticka-tappa monster be defeated?’ The little girl said, ‘It is too strong for Strong Merrie. Writer Robin knows how to beat it.’ I said to the little boy, ‘How do you beat it writer Robin?’ The little girl said, ‘Show her writer Robin.’ So the little boy stared into empty space and said, ‘Uh-huh. ‘K. ‘snice.’ The little girl said, ‘Writer Robin has been gotten by the ticka-tappa monster.’ Then the little boy said, ‘Food. Food.’ Then he started making gobbling noises. The little girl said, ‘Writer Robin is showing you how to beat the ticka-tappa monster.’ I said, ‘You feed the ticka-tappa monster food?’ The little girl said, ‘No. The person the ticka-tappa monster got. You feed him food. Writer Robin said he saw my mommy beat the ticka-tappa monster with food when he got attic guy. If the ticka-tappa monster gets you, you should eat and don’t stop. When attic guy stopped, the ticka-tappa monster got him again.’ The little boy started crying. The little girl said to him, ‘Don’t cry, writer Robin. One day we will beat the ticka-tappa monster and we will get attic guy back.’ I tried to convince them there was no such thing as a ticka-tappa monster, but they swore to me it existed. So I took them back to their mother to straighten them out. I don’t know where they get these crazy ideas.

    Then my aunt said, “Come and visit, Howard. Don’t be a stranger. Oh I forgot to mention. Our upstairs neighbours have cornered the market on odour-absorbing pucks. When I dropped off their kids, I saw they had them all over the floor.”

    That was the story she told me.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 8:18 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey, Apes!

    I went 2 Mount Pleasant in TO yesterday w/ Zandra an' her friend Enid an' took lotsa pix of Z an' Enid w/ tombstones an' the masoleum. We met up after w/ Enids bf hes rilly old an' creepy. I asked him if hes fr Mboro he said no so I guess he rilly is like 50 yo. He collects 78s I didnt even no what a 78 was I had 2 ask Z on r way back 2 TO.

    Oh, man, my mom says shell give my dinner 2 the cats if I dont come down rite this min.

    L8r.

     

  • At 8:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dearest April flower,

    It is kind of you to worry that your mother's hearty appetite might bankrupt the Valhalla. However, you misunderstand the concept of the "all you can eat prime rib dinner." It is not buffet-style. Thorvald thinks that buffets are tacky. Rather, once you have finished what is on your plate, if you want more, your waiter brings you another plate. This allows the restaurant to control the flow of food. Thorvald says not to worry about the Valhalla's food supply. He says he is well stocked for Tuesday's repast. He says that the cut of prime rib is so huge that nobody ever asks for seconds anyway. Even if your mother has fifths or sixths, he says it will be no big deal.

    I hope you will help your mother choose her outfit for our date. I have noticed that she has been wearing the same maroon turtleneck over and over and over again of late. It is starting to look a little ratty. I have heard both my mother and Dirne talking about it. I would be very embarrassed if she showed up at the Valhalla badly dressed.

    Also, my lovely, could you try to trick your hair into a ponytail for once? I miss your ponytail. The propeller bun really does nothing for me, arousally speaking.

    Wear the dress you wore to grad, OK? The Valhalla has a dance floor. I can't wait to waltz with you. They actually play real ballroom dance music there, so we won't have to try to waltz to the strains of "Ho Got A Gun" by MC Satan.

    Devotedly, Gerald

     

  • At 9:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I am getting ready to head back to Otter County after visiting with your sister. I did not get the time I expected with your sister. I had a really good visit with my relatives in Mtigwaki(Land of Trees) and with Shiimsa. Shiimsa was like a normal gaazhagens (cat) to me. She played with a string and she like being petted. I wish she could be on Prozac all the time, but your sister said that she is supposed to wean Shiimsa off the Prozac, probably before I come back.

    I also read the whole book Cats For Total Morons Like You. There was a section in the book called “If Your Cat Can’t Tolerate You, Why Should a Man?” I did not like this section. Your sister said she it was her favourite part of the book.

    After I finished the book, I cleaned up your sister’s apartment, while your sister marked papers. She gives the children who attend her school a lot of school work. Your sister is a much better teacher than the teachers who taught me. She said it was good we're at a point where we're not clinging together like a fungus on a rock, so she does not have to spread her attention too thin. I did not know what that meant exactly. I made up signs and hid them when she was not looking, so she could find them after I left. I hope she likes them.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 9:20 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    OK, Im back. My mom yelled @ me 4 "inhaling" my din but man the dining rooms so cold 2nite I think my 'rents turned the furnace off 2 soon 2 save $. I hurd my 'rents fiting ovah how much they o 4 income taxes this yr Im ready 2 hock my bass 2 pay 4 gas if it doesnt get warmer out rilly rilly fast.

    NEway, I went 2 Horny Ts 4 my dbl dbl this afternoon an' I saw this blonde girl in the booth @ the back. It looked like she was hiding fr sum1. She looked sorta familiar so I checked her out when I went 2 the bathroom. It was Z. She was wearing pink sweats w/ a white cat head on the front. I sat down w/ her, an' she goes, I was hoping u wldnt c me. I wanted a dbl xpresso short fr The 2nd Cup but Zainab an' Zahava came in b4 I was served so I bailed. I thot Id b ok here, none of the Z-grls evah come in2 Horny Ts.

    I told her Id get her the dbl xpresso an' she said, 4get it, Ive bn drinking dbl dbls an' eating maple dips 4 the past 3 hrs mayB if Im lucky I wont fit in2 that costume 2morrow. I think Z looks rilly hott in that costume, but I new I shldnt say that. So I asked her y she changed her hair colour, an' she said that Mirabell made her do it. He wants her 2 b a redhead 4 the performance so she had 2 take out the black dye an' 2nite shes gonna dye her hair red. I think Z looks rilly pretty w/ blonde hair but I new I shldnt say that. So I asked her y she didnt w8 till the nite b4 the performance an' she didnt answer me. OK, she did answer me but I didnt understand the answer she just muttered sumthing abt Nipissing. Then she said that her gran had sent her the Hello Pussy clothes 4 Xmas an' her 'rents had bn aft her 2 wear them so they cld take a foto 4 her gran so 2day was the day.

    I told her Im rilly good @ sneaking thru backyards an' if she wanted I cld walk her home. She said ok. When we got in2 her backyard her bratto younger bro Chucky was there that kid rilly has a mouth on him.

    L8r. Faustus is under the 'puter. I dont want him 2 pull out all the cords again.

     

  • At 9:26 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    MY DARLING ANGRA MAINYU,

    I HAVE PINED FOR YOU. FOR WEEKS I HAVE BEEN DILIGENTLY BREAKING THE TOOPIDS'S COMPUTERS WHENEVER THE YOUNGER MALE TOOPID WAS CLOSE TO FIXING THEM, BUT NOW I REALIZE THAT NOT COMMUNICATING WITH YOU IS EVEN MORE PAINFUL THAN COMMUNICATING WITH YOU FROM A DISTANCE.

    JUNE WILL ARRIVE SOON, MY LOVE. BE PATIENT. I WILL WAIT FOR YOU.

    YOURS FOREVER,
    FAUSTUS

     

  • At 9:33 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ger, i will c what i can do abt mom's clothes, but she can b v. v. stubborn. i will try 2 get my hair 2 stay in a ponytail 4 a while 4 u. i've noticed that it seemz 2 tolerate ponytails for short spurts, like 4 p.e. class. mayB it can last an evening, eh?

    howard, that story abt the ticka-tappa monster sure is sad, don't u think?

    paul, sorry 2 hear u did not get 2 spend as much time w/liz as u'd hoped.

    dunc, wow, the 50yo guy soundz creepy. is zandra concerned abt him? hope yr trip was cube otherwise.

    apes

     

  • At 9:54 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dunc, didn't c yr second post til after i sent mine. z. musta been in a bad mood wearing that pink. i m pretty sure i once heard her telling that zenobia girl 2 shoot her if she ever saw her wearing pink out in public.

    apes

     

  • At 12:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dearest April flower,

    My mother and father went out for dinner tonight with some friends. They were trying some new Japanese restaurant called Kabuki. When I arrived home from my shift at the Valhalla, my parents were still sitting up in the living room, having a drink with their friends and laughing. It was then that I realized the friends they went to dinner with were Connie Poirier and Greg Thomas. When I heard the word "Patterson," I secreted myself in the shadows and listened to their conversation.

    My mother said, "Can you believe that Jelly Fatterson wears a suit when she goes out to dinner with friends? And not even a fashionable suit! It looks like the kind of suit that a prison matron is issued on her first day at work!"

    Everyone roared with laughter, and then Connie Poirier said, "I know. It's awful. She usually wears a turtleneck. I asked her recently why she doesn't show a little skin? Maybe get John's pulse racing a few beats faster? And you know what she did? She pursed her lips at me and reminded me that they're over 50 now. Like I'm just supposed to realize that means sex is off the menu."

    "Say what?" Greg asked, laughing. "Then she'd better not come over to our house too early in the morning..."

    "...or late in the evening!" Connie put in.

    "Or at lunchtime, most days!" Greg finished, and they laughed and did this weird slap-tickle thing.

    My mom sighed and shook her head. "I can't understand a woman not wanting to look her best."

    Then Dad said, "What I couldn't believe was when she told the waiter she wanted to send her dinner back because it was undercooked! Hasn't she ever heard of sushi?"

    "Well, I bet she's never let John eat sushi!" Connie said loudly, and everyone burst into hysterical laughter.

    "Well, I'm sure poor Moira is glad to be out from under her thumb," Mom said. "Did you see her at dinner? Dressed like Elly! And that stiff, ritualized hug Elly forced her to do? Did you see? Moira was trying to pull back, but Elly insisted on full body contact! Repulsive!"

    Then Greg said, "You know, I stopped into Lilliputs the other day to talk to Moira Kinney. I heard from Connie that Elly was planning on holding on to the mortgage, and I wanted to let her know that with a few words from me, I could get the bank to give her generous financing. But Moira was terrified! She said that if she tried to do that, Elly would probably refuse to sell altogether!"

    "The woman's a Nazi in bad clothing," my dad said. This got a beaming smile of approval from my mom. She likes it when he takes an interest in fashion.

    Then Connie Poirier said, "Whatever you do, don't let Gerald marry April."

    I was so shocked that all I could do was stand there and listen with my mouth hanging open.

    "Once the Patterson kids get their hooks into a childhood sweetheart, they can never get away. Just look. Deanna and Mike ended up married even though her parents moved to Burlington to try to prevent it. And poor Anthony Caine, who was actually willing to shackle himself to St. Elly and her dimwitted Mini-Me of a daughter for life, still isn't free of them, even though he married someone else, and Liz is practically engaged to another man! Don't let it happen to Gerald. April's a nice enough girl, but that family..." She shuddered. "You don't want that kind of life for him."

    "Don't worry," Dad said. "We've already made an arrangement for him to be fixed up with a very nice young lady named Rebeccah McGuire."

    "She's everything April and the Patterson women aren't," Mom said. "She's got a beautiful figure."

    "And she's sexy," Dad said.

    "And well-dressed," Mom put in.

    "And not interested in settling down in the immediate future," Dad finished.

    "She sounds perfect!" Greg said.

    "I think I've seen her," Connie said. "Isn't that Becky, April's little friend?"

    "She was," my dad said, "but they're on the outs now. I heard it from Elly myself. I ran into her at Krystle's Kakes and Pi--"

    "What?!" my mom demanded, suddenly angry.

    "I just went for one little donut!" my dad said defensively.

    "I thought I told you! I won't have sugar or fat under this roof!" Mom screamed.

    "That's why I went to the bakery! You told me you didn't want to know!"

    "I can't believe you would flaunt your...your...cheating! And in front of our guests!!!" Mom's voice got all high and shrieky.

    It was then that I gathered up my courage. I jumped out and said, "I am pre-engaged to April Patterson, and there's nothing you can do to stop me from marrying her!!"

    Silence fell over the room.

    I will tell the rest in a subsequent missive.

    Sincerely, Gerald

     

  • At 1:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, this morning i wuz @the cathedral church of st. damian n mboro w/dirne & her ‘rents. they asked my mom if she wunted 2 go & she started on sum rant ‘bout how the church ruined her life by agreein’ 2 marry her & my dad. we left while she wuz still talkin’. palm sunday 2day. palm fronds. palm fronds. palm fronds. where did they get all theze palm fronds n mboro? neway, aftah listenin’ 2 my mom go off on my dad, dirne wuz all concerned i needed nstruction on how a proper husband & father b-haves. aftah sunday lunch, she sed to her ‘rents, “jeremy & i r gonna find him sum nstructional dvds.” so we walked frum her house 2 ur mom’z old store, lilliputs, which i figgered wuz safe, since ur mom duzn’t own the place nemore.

    i wus rilly surprised wen we walked n & ur mom wuz there. i sed, “mrs. p. i thot u sold this place.” dirne sed, “a proper bf wud introduce me, jeremy.” i sed, “oh sorry. dirne aufkleber this iz elly patterson, april’z mom. elly patterson, this iz dirne aufkleber.” elly sed, “pleased 2 meet u.” dirne sed, “likewise.” we started walkin’ ‘round lookin’ 4 nstructional dvdz.

    dirne sed, “so thass elly patterson. that maroon turtleneck looks like it has been worn a few 2 many tymez. poor april. 2 have such a mom.” i sed, “there usedta b a section n here called, ‘books on y ur husband nevah duz nething rite’ but i don’t c it.” ur mom suddenly spoke b-hind us, “thass cuz it’s not here nemore. how can they xxpect peeps 2 find thingz wen nothin’ iz properly labeled? i thot i trained moira better’n this.” dirne & i kinda jumped wen she sed it, cuz we didn’t know she wuz b-hind us. i sed, “u scared me mrs. p.” dirne sed, “r there ne nstructional dvdz on how a proper husband & father b-haves i can get 4 jeremy?” mrs. p sed, “if i still owned the place, i wud tell u ‘bout a number of wunnerful nstructional dvdz on that subject. but since i do not own the place nemore, i have no idea wut kinda sordid dvdz they have here.”

    then the old & young women who run the store now popped up b-hind dirne & me. we both shrieked a little. the oldah lady sed, “elly. how nice it iz u r visitin’ us? iz there nething we can do 2 help?” elly sed, “y yes, moira. i needa workplace fix. perhaps i can work here part-time 4 awhile? i'm still considered part of the furniture, am i not?” beatrice sed, “ur a landmark, elly.” elly sed, “i think u mean 2 say i built a landmark.” beatrice sed, “oh sorry. i guess ur rite. how silly of me.”

    moira sed, “elly. i thot u sed u were gonna deep-clean ur house, the cupboards, the basement, the carpets, the paint, & have a large yard sale. then u sed u were gonna do minor maintenance on damaged switch plates, loose banisters, & sum squeaky floorboards. then u were gonna teach april 2 howta feed & clothe herself. remembah? have u alreddy done all thoze thingz?” elly sed, “thoze thingz can w8. i can tell lilliputs needz me. there r peepz n here eatin’ pastries n the store & the signz on the wallz r complete nonsense. who evah heard of books divided by thingz like “mysteries, science fiction, self-help books, etc.” thass pure nonsense. no1 can find books like that.” moira sed, “it may surprize u2 learn that there r sum standardz 4 dividin’ books n bookstorez.” elly sed, “u haven’t been readin’ ‘bout bookstorez n quebec have u, moira? have u 4gotten i hold the mortgage on this place?”

    beatrice sed, “i think they may b talkin’ 4 awhile, can i help u2?” dirne sed, “thank u, ma’am. we r lookin’ 4 nstructional dvdz on how a proper husband & father b-haves.” beatrice sed, “we have a selection of thoze rite ovah here. they r a v.v. popular item n mboro. we sell a lot of theze.” dirne looked ovah them & sed, “oh, i like this 1. the model on the front iz wearin’ ralph lauren.” beatrice sed, “thass a gud 1. duz ur father have an opinion ‘bout it?” i sed, “her father?” & i turned ‘round xxpectin’ sum1 else 2 pop up. dirne sed, “this is my bf, jeremy jones. he’z not my father.” beatrice sed, “oh. i am so sorry. perhaps u mite b innerested in nstructional dvdz on how a proper bf b-haves. we have the bf’s little instruction dvd & how 2 turn ur bf n2 a stud muffin. they r v.v. popular also. dirne sed, “no. jeremy’z alreddy the perfect bf. i think we’ll stick w/the 1 w/the ralph lauren.”


    aftah we left lilliputs, we went 2 horny tims. dirne sed, “u rilly like this place don’t u?” i sed, “it is a rilly popular place 2 go.” we went n & ordered & sat down. then dirne sed, “omg. omg. omg. the girl n the booth @the back. don’t look, jeremy. i don’t think she saw us.” i sed, “wut? wut iz goin’ on?” dirne sed, “this just ruinz it. it’s zandra larson & she haz blonde hair. her costume duzn’t go w/blonde hair. wut iz she thinkin’?” i sed, “do u wanna say sumthin’ 2 her?” she sed, “no. w8. it’s ur friend duncan. don’t look, jeremy. i don’t think he saw us.” i sed, “yru worried ‘bout duncan c-ing us?” dirne sed, “if he seez us & he asks us ovah, which wud b the polite thing 2 do, then it i will hafta say sumthin’ ‘bout zandra’z hair.” i sed, “y wud u hafta say sumthin’ ‘bout zandra’z hair?” dirne sed, “wen a girl changez her hair, u hafta say sumthin’. if u don’t, it’s v.v. impolite, like an insult.” i sed, “oh. so y don’t u wanna say sumthin’ ‘bout zandra’z hair?” dirne sed, “jeremy. her blonde hair duzn’t match the costume. have u been listenin’?” i sed, “dirne. u know i’m a guy, eh?” dirne sed, “all rite. i will try 2 xxplain it. i got the costume 2 match her skin tonez & her hair colour. then she goez & changez her hair colour. this iz her way of tellin’ me she duzn’t like my choice n costumez.” i sed, “she cudn’t just wanna try a new hair colour?” dirne sed, “jeremy. there iz so much ‘bout women u do not unnerstand. we needta go, so u can watch ur nstructional dvd.” i sed, “ok. let’s go.” dirne sed, “no. w8 till zandra leaves.” so we w8ed till zandra left/w duncan. i watched the dvd, & it did actually have a part n there ‘bout noticin’ wen ur gf haz her hair done & wut 2 say if u like it & if u don’t like it. it must b rilly complic8ed 2b a girl.

     

  • At 2:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dearest April flower,

    After a long moment of silence, Connie Poirier shook her head and said, in a very sad tone of voice, "Then it's too late for him. He has already been ensnared...enslaved...enraptured...by the Patterson Allure."

    "What is the Patterson Allure?" my mom asked. "Is it like something they learned from reading Allure magazine?" You wouldn't know this, my little April flower, since you are in no way vain, but Allure is a fashion magazine.

    "No," Connie said. "It's something terrible and horrible that was created at the same time that Milborough was created, in 1979, by the Johnston Institute for Better Living in Corbeil."

    My parents both looked confused.

    "This town was created as an experiment. An experiment to see what would happen if the perfect North American family, in the eyes of Sorceress Lynn Johnston, were placed in an idyllic North American suburb, and became that town's Number One Citizens. Essentially, she wanted to see what would happen if Milborough revolved around the Pattersons."

    My parents' mouths formed two perfect Os, as if Howard were giving them Shamp-Ohs, but no sounds came out.

    Ms. Poirier went on with her explanation. "The Patterson Allure is the fundamental force that causes the whole town to focus on the goings-on of the Pattersons. It's what makes us want to get to know them. To want to be their friends. To marry them. And to stay with them, even when we learn the truth about them and become disgusted, and long to turn away."

    "What's the truth about them?" I asked.

    Ms. Poirier said, "That Pattersons aren't perfect. They are only Sorceress Johnston's sick, twisted notion of perfection. Which means they are really riddled with flaws and defects that they are unaware of."

    I insisted, "My April is not defective! She's wonderful!"

    Ms. Poirier turned to my parents and said, "That's the Patterson Allure, working on your son's brain. On his heart. On his libido. On his--"

    "No!" Dad cried out, horrified.

    "Yes," Connie said calmly.

    "Oh, God, Aloysius! Hold me!" my mother cried out.

    "Let me demonstrate." Then Ms. Poirier turned to me and asked, "Tell me, Gerald...tell me about how you first fell in love with April. Answer my questions--and don't lie." She was scary.

    "I don't know," I admitted. "She was one of my friends. Then, one day, I had this irresistible urge to kiss her. I couldn't stop myself. It was even in front of some teachers at school. I knew it would get us in trouble, but it was like I couldn't stop myself. I've been in love with her ever since."

    "Is she the prettiest girl you know?" Connie asked me.

    I thought about it, and finally I said, "She's pretty to me."

    So Connie asked, "Let's go down the list. Does she have beautiful hair?"

    And I admitted, "She wears it up in a bun. I wish she'd wear it down long, like Becky McGuire, or even Shannon Lake. I don't really like the bun."

    "Does she have nice eyes?" she asked me.

    I said, "Yes, except that they disappear a lot. Also, she closes her eyes a lot more than most people, and keeps them closed. It's weird. But her eyes are pretty when they're open. Except they do look weird when they shrink up real small, like dots. I don't like that either. But when they’re normal, yeah. They’re good eyes. She’s doesn’t have to wear glasses like her sister.”

    Then Connie said, “What about her nose?”

    And I proudly said, “It hasn’t gone all potatoey yet!”

    Then Connie asked, “What about her skin?”

    And I said, “After she started using the extra strength stuff—that Ac-No-More, I think it is—her skin has been zit-free. It gives her skin a medicinal smell, but you get used to that.”

    “What about her mouth? Her lips, her teeth, her tongue?”

    I thought about that one. “I don’t know that I’ve ever noticed April’s teeth or lips. She has a nice tongue though. I’ve seen it a lot. It’s a nice color.” I was proud of myself because I bet few boyfriends have ever noticed their girlfriends’ tongues, and that even less know what color they are.

    The questions started to fly after that. Here is the recap of April’s body in a nutshell:

    1. Hands/arms: Attractive, but sometimes frighteningly frail. Prone to being disjointed.
    2. Boobs: Usually a nice average size, but sadly prone to retraction.
    3. Hips/Butt: Currently a nice size, but sometimes grow large and flabby without warning.
    4. Legs: Hard to say. The clothes April wears tend to make them look chunky and heavy.

    Then Ms. Poirier asked, “What do you think of April’s fashion sense?”

    I said, “I think April has fine fashion sense. The problem is that her mother chooses her clothes for her. That’s why April has ended up with some rather unpleasant outfits.”

    My mom exclaimed, “That brown knit top! The marching band style maroon cardigan and pants! That too-large crop-top—also maroon! What is with that woman and the color maroon?”

    Ms. Poirier said, “What about April’s manners?”

    I had to tell the truth. “I think she is very nice. But she talks with her mouth full, and food flies out. Also, she has taken to having emotional outbursts during band practice. Other than those things, though, her manners are very nice.”

    Ms. Poirier asked, “What about April’s brains?”

    I said, “April gets good grades in school, but sometimes I wonder about her common sense a little. She gets her sister Liz to help her with math homework, even though she says Liz was a C student in math. Also, she told me recently that she still worries about monsters at night. That seems kind of silly for a 15 year old.”

    Then Ms. Poirier asked, “So, overall, how would you say you feel about April Patterson?”

    And I declared truthfully, “I am totally and completely in love with her. She is the most wonderful girl in the world. I hope we can get married at 12:01 am on April 1, 2009.”

    Ms. Poirier turned to my parents, folded her hands, and said, “You see? The Patterson Allure.”

    My parents seemed really upset.

    “What can we do?” my dad asked. He was really upset.

    “Not much,” Ms. Poirier said. “The only thing that can stop the Patterson Allure is the power of the Witch of Corbeil. If she decides she doesn’t want April to end up with Gerald, then she will put an end to the hold it has over him.”

    My dad thought about it, then said, “So, what you’re saying is...if we make Gerald seem like an undesirable boyfriend for April...”

    “...Then the witch might release her hold on our son!” my mom concluded.

    “Sadly, yes. That seems to be your only hope,” Ms. Poirier said. “Well, you could hope that Sorceress Lynn finds a member of some highly respectable ethnic minority for April to date and be educated by.”

    “Duncan Anderson!” my mom shouted. “We could get him to date April!”

    “No, no!” my dad disagreed. “We have to make Gerald repulsive!”

    My parents were still fighting about this when Ms. Poirier and Mr. Thomas excused themselves. In fact, they are still arguing about it, downstairs. I can’t sleep because of the yelling.

    Don’t worry, my love. No matter how repulsive they make me, I will always revere you.

    Devotedly, Gerald

     

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