April's Real Blog

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Puns Will Keep Them 2gether

So, Vicks, U know how my mom is in that creative non-fiction class yr Mom teaches @ the local college? Well, U prolly know that she hasta keep a journal. & I've gotta say I'm feeling real bad 4 yr mom cuz I think Elly Patterson is gonna bore her tearless. Mom left the journal out on kitchen table, open. Check out this entry:
Basement Cleaning

Finally, I'm retired, so I can do all those projects I've been putting off. Like cleaning and organizing that "bear" of a basement! Here's what I was thinking when I began this process: "These Christmas lights must be 20 years old...and why did I save this wallpaper? Jars, plastic containers, boxes, bags, a suitcase full of coat hangers...Pots, vases, slide projector, boxes of slides..." Then I paused, and began to grin. Who knew what hidden treasures lay within these old, forgotten slides? I thought, "BOXES OF SLIDES!!!" Yes, this particular thought ended with three exclamation points. Then, John appeared behind me, asking, "How's the cleaning out going?" And I looked over my shoulder, gave him one of those coy, coquettish looks he has always loved from me, and I said, "...I've been slide-tracked!" I could tell from the affection in his eyes just then that he loved this wry turn of phrase I'd summoned at a moment's notice. John is ever the punster, and typically he's the one mostly likely to spin out the wordplay. But he clearly loves it when someone else does it, too. I know that our delight in such things is one of the elements that makes our marriage so strong! That and his willingness to follow my instructions on important matters like towel folding.
Oh, gag! So, I guess puns will keep them 2gether, eh? Just do 'em away from me. And every1 else 4 that matter! Like I said, Vicks, feeling bad 4 yr mom & what she'z gonna hafta read 4 that class!

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 7:56 AM  

27 Comments:

  • At 9:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings about your finding your mother’s journal. Normally I would not approve the invasion of privacy, however it is hard to turn down the chance to see how a woman as fine as your mother thinks. Your sister believes puns will keep us together too. Whenever I try a pun, it makes her feel romantic, even though I am not very good at it.

    I notice your mother talked about finding a slide projector in her journal. There is no Ojibwe word for slide projector. The last one I saw was when I went through my training at the Provincial Police Academy in Orillia, Ontario and the Ontario Police College (O.P.C.) in Aylmer, Ontario. It was difficult to stay awake during some of those slide show presentations. I know your mother is a fine woman. However, it is my wish for you that you do not have to endure a slide show presentation.

    Your sister does not use slide show presentations in her classes in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). She prefers video tapes. I mentioned your mother’s cleaning to her during our daily phone conversation, and she said that cleaning reminds her of domestic work which reminds her of a subject she does not want to discuss. If you keep on writing about your mother’s cleaning every day, then I may have to switch to a different subject. I do not want to upset your sister, because I am deeply in love with her, and talking about cleaning upsets her.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 9:43 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Into your mom’s journal. Excellent. Although I must point out that if your mother left it out in the open, then there is a good chance she may have wanted you to read it. Although I am not sure why, considering the passage she has chosen. Perhaps she is telling you that a good relationship with Gerald depends on how often you pun with him.

    From the text you quoted from the journal, this may be one of the few times when I empathize with your mother. I am a terrible pack rat, myself. I keep copies of programs of every show I was ever in. Many of my opera recordings are the old vinyl kind of ancient recordings that never made it to disc and never will. And I have every costume, dress, or wig I ever had. Still, I don’t understand the suitcase full of coat hangers your mother has. My hangers are all holding my clothes and I constantly have to buy more. If your mother is throwing those out, I will be glad to take them, assuming they are not rusty or covered in rodent droppings, that is.

    Becky is still a little upset with me for my intervention between her and Drew yesterday. After I came home from my late show at the Valhalla last night, I tried to placate her with some brownies, which usually works, but I got mixed results this time. She may growl a little at you in school, but don’t take it personally.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 9:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i asked dirne if punz were considered 2b romantic by a good gf & she sed, "in greeting cards, yes. in luv letterz, no." wen i went 2 her house 2 walk her 2 skool this mornin', she sed, "lucky 13 dayz 2gethah." then she kissed me 13 tymez. ur mom & dad may like the punz, but i think i prefer dirne's way of doin' thingz.

    also, i kinda agree w/howard. my mom wud nevah leave her journal open like that 4 me 2c it, unless she wuz tryin' 2 tell me sumthin'. it's kinda suspicious, eh?

     

  • At 12:28 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yeah, it was kinda weird how my mom left the journal out & open like that, eh? oh, well, u saw what she had 2 say. if she wanted me 2 c that, we can only guess y.

    apes

     

  • At 12:40 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    Wow, Apes, thanx 4 the heads-up. I think my mom knows what she's n 4 w/ur mom as a student. Mayb she'll rite about cleaning the lint trap on the dryer. Nah, I prolly shouldn't joke about that....lol

    Class starts 2nite & meets 4 the next 8 Thursdays, from 6-9 p.m., so u'll get a guaranteed break from 1 of ur folks 1 night a week....lol. I'll c if I can look thru assignments when my mom's out. I know that's so wrong, but Maynard sed u'd never get newhere n life if u didn't snoop, u know? I still don't know why ur mom left her journal out n plain view. Mayb she thinks that entry's a diamond n the rough.

    Vicks

     

  • At 1:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, @lunch 2day we talked a little ‘bout journalz. vicki sez since ur mom’z journal iz a journal 4 her mom’s creative non-fiction class, it prolly duzn’t mean nething she left it out, but she iz not sure. we cudn’t think of ne message she wuz tryin’ 2 send 2u xxcept mebbe u shud do punz more often w/gigli. we all agreed u shudn’t do punz more often w/gigli.

    dirne sed, “y r we talkin’ ‘bout april, again?” shannon sed, “patterson…allure.” dirne sed, “that just makes me angry. she duzn’t evn hafta b a good gf & she gets a doctor’s son 4 a bf.” i sed, “wud u prefer gigli?” dirne sed, “no. jeremy. 4 hiz pedigree, gerald seemz like he iz not quite rite n the head. he duz 2 many strange thingz 2b a gud bf.”

    vicki sed, “oh, i heard sumthin’ 2day & i thot i shud ask u2, since ur doin’ drama club.” dirne sed, “wut?” vicki sed, “brent luggsworth sed he saw zandra larson & duncan anderson comin’ outa the utility closet b4 lunch & they weren’t helping the custodian.” eva sed, “wut? wut? that brent luggsworth iz a big liar. did uc sumthin’ @drama?” i sed, “i wuz 2 bizzy helpin’ april w/her musick cuez 2 notice. iz brent luggsworth n drama?” dirne sed, “he’z donalbain.” i sed, “he iz? i thot donalbain wuz that guy who wuz doin’ magick showz for community service.” dirne sed, “honestly, jeremy. keep up. that guy finished hiz probation & quit. brent luggsworth replaced him.” i sed, “i guess thass y donalbain looks diffrent now.” dirne sed, “jeremy. sumtymez ur a little 2 much of a boy. u shud observe the peeps ‘round u. like now. wut shud u say 2 eva?” i sed, “i didn’t c nething, i’m 2 much of a boy.” dirne sed, “gud try. eva. if there’z nething goin’ on between duncan & zandra, they didn’t do nething ‘bout it @drama yestahday. duncan still stares @zandra wen she iz n costume but all the boyz do that.” eva sed, “evn jeremy?” dirne sed, “yes. evn jeremy. he iz such a boy. a gud gf hazta 4give her bf 4 lookin’ cuz wen a girl wearz sumthin’ low cut, it’s like a magnet 2 guyz. they can’t not look.” i sed, “i try not 2 look.” dirne sed, “u don’t do a v. good job of it.” vicki sed, “gordie looks @othah girls sumtymez. az long az he duzn’t drool. we’re ok.” shannon sed, “i…wish…a…guy…wud…look…@me…that…way. but…mom…won’t…let…me…get…nething…low…cut.”

    gordie came up & vicki sed, “is that a sk8board n ur pants or r u just happy 2c me?” gordie sed, “sk8board.” we all looked @gordie. shannon sed, “how…did…u…get…it…up…there?” gordie sed, “xxtra wide pant legz. they’re sweet.” thass all we talked ‘bout aftah that.

     

  • At 1:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Just because Mom leaves her journal out, it doesn't mean she wants you to read it. That is prying into her secret emotional life! You should not be trying to psychoanalyze her. You should also definitely not be passing this information on to other people. Nobody wants other people to talk about their secret emotions!

    Dirne, the most important, romantic kinds of puns and wordplay are those come in every day conversation. When Paul makes one of those, I try not to show it, but I swoon inside.

    I think Mom is right--puns and wordplay have helped to bring her and Dad closer together. This is one of the reasons I feel drawn to Paul. I am glad to hear that Gerald is working on his pun-making abilities. It sounds like this may be a weakness for him. You are lucky that your relationship has endured for so many years without strong punning skills.

    I was very disappointed this morning when I stopped by Goulais' Grocery on my way to work. They don't carry any bridal magazines in their magazine section! I guess I was hoping for too much, given that this is such a tiny village, but it is certainly limiting to live someplace that hampers your access to information. Fortunately, theknot.com has a lot of information. I am lucky I can have an internet connection in a podunk place like this.

    Now, before you draw any conclusions, April, I am just planning for Dawn Enjo's wedding. I am going to be a bridesmaid.

    Liz

     

  • At 1:33 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, jeremy, does dirne realize i was only 11 when ger & i started d8ing? by her rulez, we shda been 2 3rd base by the time i turned 12. that's just wrong. i think there r diff rulez 4 diff sitches.

    i was wondering what was up w/gordie's pants. not that i was trying 2 look or nething, but u can't miss the huge sk8bd stuck in there.

    apes

     

  • At 1:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dearest April flower,

    Perhaps we could cut study hall and use the broom closet for a little rendezvous? I bet we could easily get to third base within 10 minutes. I would not mind skipping the other bases in order to do that.

    Let me know as soon as is humanly possible.

    Devotedly, Gerald

     

  • At 1:44 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    2nd base under the bra. becks sez the 3rd-base ish is pending review & she'll have an answer 4 us by the end of school 2day.

    apes

     

  • At 1:59 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, that gordie crash was so freakin' xtreme! i thot 4 a sec there that he must be dead! vicks, let us know what u know when u do, eh?

    apes

     

  • At 2:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    You may have seen your sister’s writing about how she is preparing to be a bridesmaid for her friend Dawn. I told her I would be glad to attend the wedding with her and I would try to arrange my schedule at work to do that. Your sister said she would have to think about it.

    She said her friend Dawn has been engaged for almost 2 years now. That seemed like a long engagement to me, but your sister said that with her friends and family, it was a pretty normal amount of time. She said your brother got engaged on New Years Eve, 2000 and did not get married until September 15, 2001. Among my people, if a wedding actually occurs, the engagement does not last longer than a year.

    I hope I get to attend the wedding. It would be an opportunity to meet your sister’s friends and to take notes of what a white wedding is like.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 2:16 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    Oh man oh man oh man. I'm still n shock about the stunt. I mean, Gordie could've just used an outside disabled ramp, but noooo, he had 2 use a railing nside. He looked like he was limping earlier w/the s8board n his pants.

    So the ambulance took him 2 Our Lady of Perpetual Counsel Hospital, & he shattered his pelvis & broke his right leg n 3 places. I know this bcause his mom just txt'd me from the hospital. He's going 2 b in bed 4 @ least 2 weeks. Dr. Klebrige-Fingernagel is putting him on Percocet again, 2 numb all the pain.

    I knew stoopid s&%t like this would happen if I dated an athlete. Why couldn't I fall n love w/a mathelete? They're dorky but they just play lotsa chess 4 fun. Love stinx!

    I didn't know he was worried about f&%$*@g. We never talked about that. Maynard sez ur supposed 2 wait until ur old enough 2 buy cigarettes 2 do that neway.

    Vicks

     

  • At 2:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i asked dirne ‘bout wut u sed ‘bout 3rd base when u turned 12 she sed, “jeremy. my mom wud’ve nevah let me d8 or kiss a guy wen i wuz 11. 12 iz 2 young 4 3rd base & 11 iz 2 young 4 kissin’ guyz. wen i wuz 11, i wuz still n a trainin’ bra & i hadn’t started my period yet. now i don’t wanna talk ‘bout april’z love life nemore 2day, eh?” thass wut she sed.

     

  • At 3:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Paul,

    April is right. A two year engagement is actually fairly normal in our social circle. Sometimes, we get so busy making puns and talking about everyday mundane things like basement cleaning that weeks and weeks go by without us thinking about "the bigger picture." Next thing you know, you realize your wedding planning has taken two or three times longer than the national average, becuase you were busy paying attention to other things.

    Also, almost all of the Patterson family's friends would not dream of holding a wedding without us being present. We pride ourselves on our enduring friendships. For example, Dawn and I only talk a few times a year, and usually only see each other at New Year's. But we are still as close as ever. The little problem is that we Pattersons are very busy people! So this can make for prolonged engagements too.

    With Mike and Dee, their long engagement was because they had a lot of things they wanted to get done before they got married. They wanted to finish school. Dee wanted to go to Honduras. Mike wanted to travel too. It was important for them to do those things, because after you get married, you have babies very soon after that, and then kids and work and house chores fill up most of your life. It wasn't until April was a teenager that my parents started taking long vacations. By then they were married over 20 years! So it's good that Dee and Mike did a lot of traveling first. That will tide them over well.

    I hope that you personally do not like the custom of short engagements. I am not sure that would be compatible with how Pattersons are. If we were to ever think about getting married. Which I am not.

    Liz

     

  • At 3:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dearest Becky-Thora flower friend,

    I am very distressed to hear about Gordie's injury. I talked to Jeremy about it after the bell rang. We don't normally get along all that well, but he agreed that it was a distressing thing to hear. Then Drew joined our conversation. And even Pierce Inverarity, even though he and Drew are what you might call "friendly rivals." In fact, most of the boys in school are very, very concerned about what happens, functioning-wise, when you shatter your pelvis into teeny-tiny shards.

    Since I always consult my friend Thorvald Mordsson about questions of a manly nature, I called him up on my cell phone and asked him what happens when a man shatters his pelvis, functioning-wise. Thorvald grunted, then said, "I do not know. I do not keep track of the groinal injuries of my male acquaintances. Consult Becky-Thora. That is a girl who will no doubt shatter many pelvises in her time, if she has not yet done so already!" Then he laughed heartily and asked, "Is this Gordie fool one of my Becky-Thora's weak non-Viking boyfriends?" I assured him that Gordie is not, in fact, any kind of boyfriend to you.

    But I still want to know what you knwo about shattered pelvises and the effects on the normal functioning of...umm...the organs in that area. If you could hurry, that would be great. Jeremy, Drew, Pierce, and I are hanging out on the lawn in front of the school, waiting for your answer.

    Sincerely, Gerald

     

  • At 3:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dearest friendly Becky-Thora flower,

    I can't believe I completely forgot about my old friend, Dr. Schlanger. Thanks for the tip! I will call him immediately. I still have his direct private number in my cell phone, under "Penis Doctor."

    Sincerely, Gerald

     

  • At 3:41 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    Thanx so much, Apes & Becks! I'm going 2 take his beret & sunglasses 2 the hospital. I think I might replace the shades soon, since 1 key 2 fashion is having clothing & accessories n top condition, like Dirne sed. Neway, after the hospital I'm headed 2 Horny Tim's if ne1 wants 2 join me. It's been 1 of those days!

    Vicks

     

  • At 3:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dearest Vicki friend-flower,

    Would it be all right with you if Jeremy, Drew, Pierce, and I joined you at Tim Horton's? We are very eager for the latest updates on Gordie's condition, and his functioning.

    Sincerely, Gerald

    P.S.--I have not heard back from my urologist friend yet. But I told him Gordie's name and asked him if he would take Gordie on as a patient as an extra-special favor to me. That way we can be sure that his "equipment" is in good hands.

     

  • At 4:27 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    Sure Gerald, if u guyz want. R Apes, Becks & Dirne going 2 be there, I hope? @ least Luann & Bernice r gonna meet up w/me. I haven't talked to them n a while, so it'll b cube 2 c them. Dr. Klebrige-Fingernagel just sed his whole "groin area" is bruised and sprained, but should heal.

    Um, thanx but no thanx 4 Dr. Schlanger's services, Gerald. Gordie's on plenty of drugs as is!

    Vicks

     

  • At 4:47 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i m @ horny t's w/ger, vicks, becks, drew, pierce, jeremy, dirne, luann & berniece. the boyz r totally rivted by what vicks is saying. ger is even taking notes .

    apes

     

  • At 6:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Vicki was talking to the boys at Tim Hortons about poor Gordie, after she visited him at Our Lady of Perpetual Counsel Hospital. She was wearing a very nice outfit for hospital visitation, bright and cheery without being too white (like the hospital) or too red (like blood you know). Well, Gordie shattered his pelvis and broke his right leg in 3 places and will be in his bed for at least 2 weeks.

    Then April’s obnoxious boyfriend Gerald interrupted her and said, “But what about his sexual function? What did Dr. Klebrige-Fingernagel say about that?” All the boys suddenly got very interested. I said to my perfect boyfriend Jeremy, “Why are you so worried about sexual function from a groin injury?” Jeremy said, “Every boy in Milborough experiences a groin injury eventually and sometimes more than once. I have been injured several times.” Well then, I was suddenly interested myself, since I do plan to have children sometime and the boy’s parts have to be working.

    Then Vicki said, “Gordie’s groin area is just bruised and sprained, but should heal. The doctor said he was lucky because strong blows of the perineum (the triangle between the anus and the base of the scrotum) are known to cause male impotence and erectile dysfunction.” I was really proud Vicki could speak so clearly about medical terms and I would have told her that, but it was right around then April’s boyfriend Gerald fainted and crashed to the ground on top of April. We were trying to remove him, when we heard April say, “No. Gerald. Not until I am 15.5 years old.” I am so glad my family does not do this 15.5 years old thing.

    Dirne

     

  • At 7:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, dirne wuz rilly concerned ‘bout the groin injuries & whether or not i cud still function. she made me tell all my storiez ‘bout when i got hit there. she sed, “jeremy, this viol8s all the rulez, but i needta c if u work.” so aftah drama club, she went 2 her house & xxplained the sitch 2 her dad & mom. dirne’z dad sed, “this iz v.v. serious.” dirne’s mom sed, “yes. i agree. honey, take jeremy n2 the back room & make sure he works.” i sed, “wut? make sure i work?” dirne’z dad sed, “yes. thass rite.” dirne sed, “do it 4 me, jeremy.” i sed, “ok. i am pretty sure i work.” dirne sed, “but we hafta b sure.” i sed, “y cudn’t u do this & not ur dad?” dirne sed, “please, jeremy.” i sed, “oh. all rite.” well, i did it & i passed, like i knew i wud.

    wen i wuz done, dirne wuz all ovah me. she sed, “daddy just told me u passed the test. i knew u cud.” & she wuz all kinda huggy & kissy. dirne’z dad sed, “take it ez, dirne. he’z gonna feel a little weak n the legz.” dirne’z mom sed, “i knew u cud do it. dirne iz alwayz tellin’ us wut a gr8 bf ur.” so i kinda sat down & i wuz a little woozy. dirne’z dad sed, “give him sum food & drink. he’z gonna needta replenish his bodily fluids.” so, they kinda fed me & i drank a lot. i wuz v.v. thirsty. dirne’z dad drove me home & he & dirne got me 2 the door. i am postin’ this now, but i am gettin’ rilly sleepy. i think i am goin’ 2 bed now.

     

  • At 7:26 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, omg! ger saw yr post & sent me a txt, all glad that there'z no way my dad wd check ger 2 make sure he works. ger was, like, "that would be too awful to contemplate, delicate flower!"

    apes

    p.s. hope u sleep ok.

     

  • At 11:16 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Hey, Apes!

    Sorry I havent posted Ive bn rilly busy rehearsing 4 drama club hope I havent missed NEthing.

    L8r.

     

  • At 11:20 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    ANGRA MAINYU,

    I ADORE YOU. I WOULD GIVE UP FRESH FISH FOR ETERNITY FOR A NIGHT OF BLISS IN YOUR PAWS TONIGHT.

    JUNE IS APPROACHING. I REMIND MYSELF THAT EVERY DAY THAT PASSES BRINGS ME ONE DAY CLOSER TO YOU.

    YOURS FOREVER,
    FAUSTUS

     

  • At 12:15 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    It was a rough day today. I got home from Sugar’s salon and found Drew there, another pile of laundry and all the naked fruit juice was gone. But there were plenty of empty bottles on the floor. I said, “Bottles in the recycling, please.” Drew said, “What’s that?” I said, “This plastic bin over here, where I put the other empty bottles.” Drew said, “Oh that’s what those where. I thought you had another hidden stash, until I noticed they were empty.” I said, “When I say, ‘Bottles in the recycling, please’ that means you should put your empty bottles in that plastic bin over there.” Drew said, “Oh, OK. I brought more laundry and could you like, not iron my jeans, eh? I almost got a swirly for that, today?” I said, “How can you make so much dirty laundry in one day?” Drew said, “Well, pyjamas. The morning workout clothes. Then school clothes. Then school gym clothes. Then after school clothes. Then evening workout clothes. Then after evening workout clothes. Then late evening workout clothes.” I said, “That is a lot of clothes. Why are they all so dirty?” Drew said, “I’m a guy.” I suppose that’s an explanation. I said, “Where’s Becky?” Drew said, “She’s out with her dad, I mean Thorvald Mordsson. He wants her to do some special music for an Easter show at the Valhalla.” I said, “Why are you here when Becky is not here?” Drew said, “This place rocks. Plus Becky said I could come and workout whenever I want to.” I said, “I would appreciate it if you wipe down the equipment after you are done. There are towels provided over here.” Drew said, “Is that what those towels are for?” I said, “When I said, ‘I would appreciate it if you wipe down the equipment after you are done’ that means take that towel and the spray bottle and wipe them down now.” Drew said, “I can’t. I’m supposed to me some of the guys.” I said, “Perhaps you did not hear me correctly. The word ‘now’ means at this very time, before you go meet guys, before you do anything else including scratching yourself.” Drew said, “All right. All right. Don’t get your panties in a bunch. I’m wiping.” Drew wiped down the equipment reluctantly and left.

    The whole thing put me in a foul mood. I growled at the dogs when I walked them. I growled when I made dinner for Dr. McCaulay and Krystle. I growled at Thorvald when I got the Valhalla. I growled at Basher, when he played the teenager in our evening skit. Of course the audience loved that and Thorvald said, “You should growl every night, Howie.” Then I growled at Thorvald again. I was still growling when I got back home after the late show and Drew was there again, this time with Becky. I said, “Don’t you have a home you should be in, Drew?” Becky said, “Don’t be a grouch, Howie. We were just kissing, I mean studying.” Then I growled at Becky. So, then I lifted weights and lifted weights and lifted weights all the while I was growling, until finally I was so tired I stopped growling and decided I was in a good enough mood to write this post.

    I hope you had a better day than I did, April.

    Howard K.

     

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