April's Real Blog: Soggy Toast?

Monday, April 10, 2006

Soggy Toast?

I've got sum stuff 2 tell U abt my mom, but 1st I've gotta do a giant shout out 2 my s00per bf Gerald! Gerald, U totally stuck up 4 me 2 yr 'rents when they were trashing me 2 the Poirierz & talkin' abt setting U up w/Becks. I can't even tell U how good that makes me feel. I totally wish every1 wd get their heads around the idea that, like, I have free will & I don't hafta turn in2 an Elly. There's diet & exercise & rhinoplasty & lipo 4 the physical stuff, sheesh. But Gerald stood there & faced down the 'rents and told them he luvs me & wants 2 B w/me! Ger, U R soooooo getting 2 3rd base this yr!!! I wish yr 'rents cd, like, get 2 know me as a person & C I'm not like totally worthless just cuz I'm a Patterson. MayB after we finish reading The Sound and the Fury U can tell them abt my deep insite in2 lit! (BTW, I totally know about Allure magazine, U silly goose!!!)

So, like, it seemz Ger's parents and the Poirierz were @ the same restaurant as my parents & the Kinneys (Moira & her husband). They were @ this new Japanese place, Kabuki House. Here's what Mom told me abt the dinner, when she insisted on making soggy eggz 4 me this morning. She sed that Moira told her, "Elly, I'm so xcited. This is a dream come true 4 me. It really is!" And Mom was all, "I don't think I could have let it go 2 NE1 else, Moira--I know U'll do wonderful thingz." Then they all raised their glasses & Dad was, like, "2 the new owner of Lilliput's Books And Toys. May the success continue!" Then my Mom got up & so did Moira. And they hugged. Mom sed 2 me, "April! It was so touching! I was thinking, 'this toast comes w/tears', & I am pretty sure Moira was thinking the same thing!" And then, she started 2 snuffle & sob. And I looked @ the eggz she was making and I was, all, "That's v. moving, Mom, but I just remembered, I'm totally not hungry & I agreed 2 meet Dunc early 2 run his linez 4 Macbeth. It's not easy being king, U know!" And I gathered my books and dashed off quick.

2day I noticed Zandra Larson wearing a 1920s-looking hat that totally covered her hair. I wonder what that was about, eh? And I heard Zapata Henderson telling Zandra that Mirabell like recruited her @ the last min 2 B witch #2 cuz Keli Taylor has mono.

Jeremy, Dirne told me she picked out the shoez U've got on 2day, & that she'z v. proud of them. She sed, "April, when U C Jeremy, look @ his shoes!"

Apes out

29 Comments:

At 1:01 PM, Anonymous said…

april, the shoez dirne got me r kinda strange. they look like regular dark uni kind of shoez, xxcept they have the name prada written on the side & dirne sez they cost a lot of money & they r pretty comfy. no1 haz rilly noticed them xxcept 4 certain girlz, who have sed thingz like, “i wish i cud get my bf 2 wear designer.”

wen u talked so much ‘bout gigli n ur blog entry 2day, dirne read wut he rote yestahday. she sed, “that post xxplainz so much ‘bout the odd thingz n mboro. if gerald’z ‘rents succeed n their plan 2 divert that witch’s attention frum gerald, the ur n danger jeremy. u & duncan r april’z only close male friendz & i don’t think duncan haz nething 2 worry ‘bout.” i sed, “y iz that?” dirne sed, “duncan iz ntended 4 sum othah girl. he likez zandra, but he iz meant 4 eva.” i sed, “how do u know this?” dirne sed, “no offense, my bf, but ur friendz r pretty obvious. every tyme they say or do nething, u can c wut iz gonna happen dayz b4 it actually duz.” i sed, “u can?” dirne sed, “but of course. now, a good gf triez 2 protect her bf frum thingz like this. i must make a pre-emptive strike. my observation from a well-dressed girl’s perspective iz the witch duzn’t like nice clothez. april wearz those frumpy outfits or clothez which r designed 2 make her look fat & her mom & dad dress evn worse. so, jeremy the best protection 4u iz nice clothez. the skool unis r no protection, but u have a choice of shoez & socks. i got theze 4u. i’ve got the feelin’ designer jeremy beats unattractive gerald ne day of the week.” i sed, “thanx. i hope ur rite." then i sed, "ur rilly smart, dirne. i don't think i have evah had a gf try 2 protect me b4." dirne sed, "jeremy jones. u say the sweetest thingz."
At 1:17 PM, Anonymous said…

Dearest loveliest April flower,

My love for you swells bigger than ever before! Do you think we could go to third base right after school? This is starting to get embarrassing!

Devotedly, Gerald

P.S.--I hope you won't be too disgusted by my physical appearance. My parents have stopped letting me take showers. I was hoping to get one in P.E., but it was bowling today, so no showers there. Also, they made me wear the old, ripped clothes that I usually wear for chores. Dirne saw me after second period and gave me two thumbs down. I'm sorry my parents are so uncube, but I hope it does not get in the way of our love.
At 1:31 PM, Anonymous said…

Dear Candace,

I am so glad you set up this private blog. It makes it easier for us to keep up.

My weekend visit with Paul is over, and I am very satisfied with how it went. I think we spent exactly the right amount of time together. Just enough that we could enjoy each other's company, but not so much that we seemed too attached to each other.

Now that I am thinking Paul is the man I want to marry, I have to work hard to make sure our courtship is the proper kind. There are two parts to that. First, I have to make sure I appear to have modern values and that I do not think marriage is necessary. Of course, secretly I know I am almost 25, and that is practically spinsterhood, so I am lucky to find any man who might propose to me. I think I have done a good job all along of pretending this, though.

Second, I have to make sure that we are proper with each other at all times. At first, Paul and I did some things that, well, let's just say Mom would not approve of. Now, though, he is back to sleeping on the chesterfield. Sometimes I even make him stay over at his relatives' house. I have to show that my values are correct so I can justify wearing a big white dress at my wedding!! Paul is The One, though, so I am sure what we did before is not as big a deal.

I'm not sure I ever admitted this before, but I did impure things with Eric too. He was supposed to be The One. I mean, I moved in with him and did you-know-what with him! I do not understand why he was such an idiot that he couldn't get the message that he was supposed to marry me! I mean, you are supposed to have your lifetime love lined up before the end of college, if not by the end of high school. Even you managed this, and you aren't sure you believe in marriage!! I can't believe Eric is still playing around and is not married. He is 25 years old!! Doesn't he want children? I think maybe he is a little crazy. So maybe it isn't my fault I failed to make him want to propose. I thought that little tongue trick you taught me would convince him, but I couldn't bring myself to put my mouth there. Probably that whore he was seeing knew all kinds of dirty sex tricks like that. Not that I am calling you a dirty whore or anything.

Talk soon! Liz
At 1:32 PM, Anonymous said…

Oh my gosh! April, could you please please please delete that?!? You aren't supposed to read that kind of thing!

Liz
At 1:56 PM, howard said…

April,

I am familiar with a Kabuki House Japanese Restaurant. There is one in North York on Bayview Avenue, near the Bayview Village Shopping Center. Is this the restaurant your parents went to?

After you spoke so kindly of Gerald in your Blog entry, I had to go back to yesterday’s comments and read what he said. As usual, you took his comments as an indication that people expect you to turn into your mother. However, a careful reading shows that what it is saying is that people are interested in you because they are compelled to by your Patterson allure. This is nonsense. You may develop a full blown Patterson allure at some point, but whatever you have is no where near as powerful as what a mature Patterson woman like your sister can do to a man. When you have men proclaiming their love for you in more than one province, or after they have only seen a picture of you, then maybe Gerald can talk about you and your Patterson allure. In the meantime, you stand on your own merits as a nice, sweet girl, for whom I am proud to be a back-up gay. I am sure your other friends will tell you that they like you for reasons other than your allure.

Howard K.
At 2:05 PM, Anonymous said…

rebeccah, glad u like the shoez. dirne sez pretentious iz good. she thinks it trumps wut gigli iz doin’ w/stinky. i don’t feel compelled 2 wanna b april’z bf, so i think i am still safe. i wud tell april i think she iz a nice girl, like howard wunts, but it mite get me thinkin' 'bout april az a gf, so i bettah not.
At 2:14 PM, Anonymous said…

April,

Boozhoo (Hello).

I just got a phone call from your sister that was not at our appointed time. I thought it was an emergency, but all she would say was, “Paul. Promise me a sacred Ojibwe promise you will not read April’s Real Blog comments today.” I said, “The Ojibwe word is waawiindamaw (promise).” Your sister said, “Whatever. Make the promise for me, please, please, please.” I said, “You know I love you and would promise you anything so I waawiindamaw (promise) I will not read April’s Real Blog comments today.” Your sister said, “Miigwech (thank you).” And she hung up. If you have any messages for me on this Blog, you should wait until tomorrow to write them. Also, be sure to congratulate your mother on the sale of her business for me.

Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 2:24 PM, April Patterson said…

ger, wow, yr 'rents r really doin' a # on u. how 'bout u come over 2 my house after school & use the shower. then we can discuss bases, eh?

liz, 4 sum reason that post of yrs in not delete-able. it mite have sumthing 2 do w/yr settingz, i don't know. it was v. v. interesting, tho.

jeremy, i like the shoez. but i heard tangi origami telling jane mancini that u r gettin all stuck up. but i think tangi mite b bitter.

howard, thanx 4 yr v. nice comments. they make me feel much better.

apes
At 2:36 PM, Anonymous said…

april, i still have scarz frum tangi, so it duzn't mattah 2 me if she thinks i am stuck up. howevah, if my designer clothez r makin' me less attractive 2u then thass wut we r aftah. do u think i am more stuck up? pleaze say yes.

dirne red ur sis's post above & haz told me that prolly every single thing she rote iz wut a good gf wud not do. i sed, "wut 'bout the tongue trick part?" dirne sed, "jeremy jones, ru thinkin' dirty thots 'bout me?" i sed, "uh...yes." dirne sed, "gud. a proper bf shud think dirty thots 'bout his gf." i sed, "wut 'bout 3rd base? if april goez 2 3rd base w/gigli, shud we go 2 3rd base?" dirne sed, "the guidelinez 4 3rd base r strict. we have not been d8ing long enuff 4 that. how long have gerald & april been d8ing?" i sed, "since 2003, so 3 yrs." dirne gasped, "3 yrs. april wuz 12 yrs old & n grade 6?" i sed, "just b4 her 12th b-day." dirne gasped again, "11 yrs old & n grade 6? omg. omg. jeremy. we hafta get u sum designer sox aftah skool 2day. ur not safe."
At 2:45 PM, April Patterson said…

i dunno, jeremy, do u want me 2 lie? cuz, like, i know u h8 liez. if u want me 2 lie, i will, but i need u 2 lemme know, eh?

apes
At 4:06 PM, Anonymous said…

april, i don't want u 2 lie. i do h8 liez. i guess ur 2 nice 2 think i am stuck up. dirne sez i shud still get designer socks, evn tho u like the shoez. iz there ne kinda designer socks u h8?
At 4:12 PM, April Patterson said…

jeremy, back in sept, i had this awful fantasy of myself wearing orange knee-high socks with blue dots and yellow zig-zags. if u found "designer" socks that look like that, i promise i wd h8 them! (but dirne prolly wd 2!)

apes
At 4:45 PM, Anonymous said…

april, i remember the fantasy orange knee-high sox w/blue dots & yellow zig-zags. dirne asked me 2 ask u y u were havin' this fantasy n september & not on oct. 31. she also sed if i evah wore sox like that i wud prolly b swirlied 2 death @skool & she wud not try 2 stop them. it is definitely on the list of thingz a good bf duz not do. thanx 4 the nput tho. i guess this meanz u'll like the sox. i'll c if i can find sum designer sox that r ugly, evn if they r not sept fantasy ugly.

we were @drama club 2day & mr. mirabell got zandra larson 2 take off her 1920s-looking hat. dirne wuz like, “omg. now it’s red. she changez her hair colour every day. it’s not gud 4 ur hair 2 change colour so often. @least it’s not blonde. i can work w/red. she will hafta accessorize diffrently.”
At 5:25 PM, April Patterson said…

i had that weird sock fantasy when my mom took me shopping 4 school clothes. it was v. mean of her cuz she had decided she'd only b getting me thingz i cd actually wear in school, & i thot she'd let me buy cute clothez 2 wear, like, after school & on the weekends, eh? & she totally sprang this on me when i'd already been trying on a buncha diff stuff & had my heart all set on a few outfits.

then she made me, like, study the list of rulez 4 our unis, & when i saw there weren't ne special rulez abt socks, i had that, like, perverse fantasy abt wearing thoze uggo sox 2 school. i know it was weird, but it was like this whole bad reaction 2 how my mom handled the whole shopping thing that day.

howard, i 4got 2 answer yr question abt the restaurant. b4 my 'rents mentioned it 2 me, i'd never heard of the place b4, & they didn't say where it was.

apes
At 6:38 PM, Anonymous said…

Gerald tried to sneak off to your house after school for a shower and some third base. But I told Mom and Dad and they stopped him. Then Mom threw a bunch of dirt on him to make him more repulsive. Then I punched him in the stomach. That always makes me so happy!

Gerald's Brother
At 6:56 PM, howard said…

April,

After work today, I took Becky’s dogs Freyfaxi, Apollo and Zeus for a walk. While I was walking, I saw your mother out walking your two dogs Edgar and Dixie. While the dogs were sniffing each others’ butts, I said, “Hello, Mrs. P. Isn’t it a beautiful day today?” She said, “Hello, Howard. Do you have a job walking people’s pet dogs and pet bears these days?’ I said, “No. The big one is Freyfaxi. He isn’t a bear. He’s a dog.” Your mother said, “I say that all the time about John. What a coincidence.” I said, “Your dogs seem to be pretty excited.” Your mother said, “As my daughter would say, they are being ‘major suckups’.” I said, “I guess you take them along with you to pick up the food you drop?” Your mother said, “No, Howard. The walk is good exercise for the dogs. Now I am retired, I have more time to give the dogs a lot more attention and everyone knows dogs love attention.”

I said, “I had heard your retirement is official now. Congratulations. You had some kind of celebratory dinner?” Your mother said, “We went to a restaurant Moira Kinney’s husband suggested. They had the best little pastries, filled with meats and other things I didn’t know what they were. They were so tiny, I had 3 dozen and I was still hungry.” I said, “The Kabuki House.” Your mother said, “You are so well-informed, Howard. Yes, that was the place. Moira’s husband told them we wanted a table to celebrate a business negotiation, and they gave us these really wide tables. My husband stretched his arm out to make a toast and it barely went halfway across the table. The maitre-d said that for business negotiations, it was best to put people far enough apart so they couldn’t try to strangle each other easily. It didn’t stop Moira and me though.” I said, “You and Moira tried to strangle each other?”

Your mother said, “Don’t be silly, Howard. We hugged each other. I love giving hugs.” I said, “You do?” Your mom said, “I am quite a huggy person.” I said, “I don’t know that I have ever seen you hug someone.” Your mother said, “My hugs are quite memorable. Let me tell you about them. When I left and came back from my trip to Mexico in March, I am sure I gave a lot of hugs. Let me think. No, John and I just waved to April from the door when we left. Then when we came back. No, Mike just took our luggage when he picked us up. Wait a minute, my dad just had his birthday. No, I just gave him a little peck kiss. Hmm! Oh, I remember now. The last time I gave a hug was to my own husband John back in February when we talked about the frightening information on the computer. We held each closely and talked about our lost innocence.” I said, “It’s been 2 months since you gave someone a hug? When was the last time you hugged one of your children?” Your mother said, “That’s easy to remember. It was when my baby April was crying about her zits back in November.” I said, “It’s been 5 months since you hugged your daughter?”

Your mother said, “She is a teenager after all. Teenagers don’t like being hugged. But as for April, I am giving her the gift of myself. That’s much better than a hug anyway. I am making sure she's learned the skills she needs to keep herself fed and clothed once she's off to college or university. John has already trained her in the wielding of power tools, so she'll be able to tackle most household tasks required of her, and now it is my turn.” I said, “Do university dormitories require much use of power tools for household tasks?” Your mother said, “Dormitories? Howard, you crack me up. Why would April stay in a dormitory?” I said, “Isn’t that what university students do?” Your mother said, “No. No. No. University students stay in a house rented out to students by a kindly, maternal, preferably ethnic and somewhat feisty, wise, older lady. In exchange for their wisdom, the students have to do home repairs. You obviously didn’t go to university, Howard.” I said, “You are quite right. I did not.” Your mother said, “Well if you did, you would know that power tool knowledge is practically a requirement. Not only that but April is going to learn to bake from scratch and make some more complicated food dishes. I’m also teaching her some basic sewing tricks.” I said, “The university doesn’t have a cafeteria or a local tailor?” Your mother started laughing that sticky-out tongue laughing she does. The dogs moved away from her in fear. She said, “Oh Howard. You are so funny. That was quite a joke. I will have to remember that one to tell John. Well, it’s been good talking to you, but my pastry box is almost empty and I still have to walk to Krystle’s Kakes and Pies to refill it for the trip back home.”

I thought you might be interested in that story,
Howard K.
At 8:06 PM, April Patterson said…

lol, howard, my mom wants u 2 think she an' dad waved @ me when they left 2 go 2 mexico. cuz that's so much less impersonal than just leaving me a note!

i was glad mom decided 2 put her quality time in2 walking the dogz insteada her special "april time" she'z got planned, eh?

i don't envy u pooper-scooping after freyfaxi!

apes
At 8:47 PM, Anonymous said…

April,

Thank God Paul agreed to promise not to read your blog today. I would just die if he found out that I think I might love him, and that I definitely want us to get married. It is really important that I keep that information from him at all costs. A proper young lady does not show her love, especially not through words or physical contact.

Speaking of which, you are only 15. Third base is a bad idea until you are engaged to the person. Take it from me, I know. If you do too much you-know-what stuff with the man before the wedding, he will not marry you. Look at what happened with Eric. But if you don't do any you-know-what kind of stuff with them at all, they will be obsessed with you forever. Look at what has happened with Anthony and Warren, and now Paul. I am your big sister, and you can learn from my mistakes. And I'm not just talking the kind on your math homework!

Hold at second base, over the shirt, until you have a diamond ring on your finger.

Liz
At 8:58 PM, Anonymous said…

Dearest April flower,

I am sorry I didn't meet you for our date this afternoon. I was really looking forward to us taking a shower together and going to third base. But after my dad poured dirt on me, and my brother punched me in the stomach, they locked me in the attic. Mom was worried that I would get filth on her white wool carpets, white damask sofa, white linen tablecloths, white velvet curtains, white moire armchairs, white chenille dining chairs, white marble countertops, and/or her walls, which are painted the color "nonpareil white " from the Martha Stewart Signature paint collection available at all Sherwin-Williams retailers.

It's kind of dusty and dark up here. Dad just threw a sleeping bag up here, so I guess this is where I'm sleeping now that I'm repulsive.

Dad also threw up a bag of food from The Real Skinny Health Food Store. All that's inside it are some Wasa light rye crisp crackers and some Fiji water. I guess Dad let Mom do the grocery shopping again. But as he was locking up the trapdoor to the attic, he yelled at me that he'd bring my protein shake later. Then Mom came by, banged on the trap door, and told me to start doing my calisthenics. After I did 1000 pushups and 1000 jumping jacks, and drank all the Aquafina, I decided to write this post. The good thing about being in the attic is that I get great cell phone reception.

Don't worry, no matter what they do, I will always love you.

Devotedly, Gerald
At 9:00 PM, Anonymous said…

Dearest April flower,

Oops. I called the Fiji water "Aquafina." Don't tell my mother. She is as interested in designer names as Dirne is. Fiji water costs about twice as much as Aquafina. Mom would want me to make sure you knew that.

Devotedly, Gerald
At 9:19 PM, April Patterson said…

omg, ger, that's horrible what yr 'rents r doing 2 u. do u need me 2 smuggle sum food and handi-wipes 2 u thru yr attic window?

liz, i m abt 2 show u just how much i've learned from u. thanx 4 yr concern, but i will handle my relationship w/gerald in my own way!

apes
At 9:56 PM, howard said…

April,

How strange about your mom’s note vs. the waving. I could swear I have this image in my head of your parents waving good-bye to you before they went to Mexico while you are scowling and Connie Poirier has some kind of perm. On the other hand, I clearly remember you talking about the note. Memories are a strange thing in Milborough.

Yes, pooper scooping Freyfaxi is a pretty big job. He usually fills one full-size garbage bag for a walk. But the happy look on his doggy face as he bounds around the Milborough Park pushing over the smaller trees makes it all worthwhile. He is such a good doggy.

Like you I am appalled at the way Gerald is being treated. Once I get done with the late show at the Valhalla, we could mount a rescue mission, if you like. Let me know.

Howard K.
At 10:07 PM, April Patterson said…

howard, the reason u have that image in yr head was cuz of that video "re-enactment" mom made us do 4 that special "local couple goes to mexico" segment on the milborough this weekend tv show. mom wants every1 2 think that's what happed.

rescuing ger: txt me when u r done w/the l8 show, & i'll sneak out & meet u rite outside my house, eh? thanx!

apes
At 10:21 PM, Anonymous said…

Dearest April and Howard flowers,

Please don't try to rescue me! If my parents see April here, or find out she helped me escape, they will think they have not made me disgusting enough yet to change the Witch of Corbeil's mind about making me April's intended. That will lead them to try to make me even more disgusting. I am afraid of what they will try next!

Sincerely, Gerald
At 10:54 PM, Anonymous said…

april, drama club wuz v.v. strange 2day. mr. mirabell mentioned ur bro n a long speech & he sounded kinda crayzee. the litin’ nstructionz 4 2day were a little off 2. i sed, “mr. mirabell, the cafetorium duz not have the equipment 2 put red lites on duncan 2 make it look like there’z blood comin’ outa his body. all we have iz flat red cells.” mr. mirabell sed, “ru tryin’ 2 rewrite my script!?” i sed, “no, mr. mirabell. this iz ur liting cue rewrite. it haz ur name b-side it.” mr. mirabell sed, “oh, ur rite. only red cells, eh? we don’t have the budget 2 buy the othahz.” then he called out, “zandra. i have a special makeup job 4u. aftah macduff finds duncan, hiz dead body iz gonna b dragged onto the stage. i need u2 get him all bloody.” then they talked ‘bout that, while i tried not 2 look @zandra’z red hair. i dunno if i mentioned it, but dirne duz not like it. she sed, “if i had known she wuz gonna have red hair, i wudv’e gotten a black dress w/red undertonez 4 her costume, nstead of a black dress w/black undertonez. now it’s gonna look like i don’t know wut i am doin’. she’z gonna look like a black candle.” i sed, “i don’t think peeps will notice, dirne.” dirne sed, “but of course ur just sayin’ that 2b nice, jeremy. my friendz will notice, but i can bear the shame, if ur w/me.” i sed, “i’ll b w/u dirne.” dirne sed, “4-evah? no w8. 4get i asked that. ur such a good bf, jeremy.” i sed, “duz this mean we can go 2 3rd base?” dirne sed, “ur such a boy. no, jeremy. the rulez ‘bout 3rd base r v. clear. the couple must b d8ing xxclusively 4 @least 3 months w/no breakups 4 ne reazn.” i sed, “wut ‘bout 2nd base?” dirne sed, “u’ve been such a good bf i think mebbe… w8. i needta check the rulez.” she went thru a notebook n her purse & sed, “no. sorry, jeremy. we’ve only been d8ing 10 dayz. it’s gotta b @least 2 weeks 4 ovah the shirt.” i sed, “ok, dirne. i wudn’t wanna break the rulez.” dirne sed, “how cud i b so st00pid? i 4got it haz been 10 dayz. wen u get 2 10 dayz, ur allowed 2 ncrease the kissing tyme from 15 minutes 2 20 minutes.” 20 minutes l8er & i walked her home frum drama club rehearsal. her dad met us @the door & he sed, “ur 5 minutes l8, jeremy.” dirne sed, “but, dad. it’s our 10-day anniversary of our 1st d8.” dirne’s dad sed, “but of course. how cud i have 4gotten?” thass how drama club went.
At 10:58 PM, howard said…

Becky,

I just finished my late show at the Valhalla and read your note. I am going to pick up April and we will be at Gerald's house in a few minutes. I have instructed April to wear something a little sexy, which she said she would have on by the time I get there. Hold on, bud. Rescue is on the way.

Howard K.
At 11:05 PM, howard said…

We are at the Forsythe’s door now. April is wearing a little red dress her sister Elizabeth gave her; she says her father forbids her to wear it without a coat over it. Of course, she is wearing a coat over it, since it is cold outside. It’s kind of a plain red dress, but it shows enough leg, shoulder and cleavage to get the point across. Here is the weird part. April has her hair down and it is actually staying down and not automatically whipping into a bun or a ponytail. April is really attractive with her hair down, but it is so odd to see her hair that way. We’re ringing the doorbell now. I will post later, when I get a chance.

Howard K.
At 11:45 PM, howard said…

April and I ran to the back door and knocked. Dr. Forsythe opened the door and said, “What are you two doing here?” Just as we heard Mrs. Forsythe scream, “Don’t open the door. Patterson allure.”

April said, “I’m here for my date with Gerald.” I said, “Yes, her date with Gerald.” Dr. Forsythe said, “Gerald didn’t have a date with you.” Gerald, looking much cleaner said, “Yes, I did. We were going to go to 3rd base.” Becky said, “April. 3rd base. Didn’t we pinky swear about 3rd base?” April said, “Yes. And I turned 15.” Becky said, “I don’t think it was 15.” I gave her an evil look. Becky said, “Oh yeah. 15. How could I forget?”

Mrs. Forsythe said, “I’m sorry, but Gerald is already on a date.” Becky said, “No he’s not.” Gerald said, “No, I’m not.” Dr. Forsythe said, “I can handle this.” And he pulled Gerald over to a tiled area of their house, went to their garage and brought back a drop cloth and a bucket. He said, “Gerald stand on the drop cloth.” Gerald said, “Dad. I just got clean.” Dr. Forsythe said, “Now, Gerald.” So Gerald went over to the drop clothe and Dr. Forsythe dumped the bucket of gooey, muddy dirt on Gerald. Mrs. Forsythe said, “Gerald stay on the drop cloth.” Dr. Forsythe said, “What do you think of Gerald now, April Patterson? Isn’t he repulsive? Becky McGuire thinks he’s attractive.” Becky said, “No I don’t.” I said to April, “You know what to do?” So, April walked over to the dropcloth right up to Gerald and said, “Oh, Gerald. Fresh gooey, muddy dirt. You’re so sexy. Just like all day today. I could barely restrain myself.” Gerald said, “You couldn’t?” April said, “No, Gerald. We Pattersons have our roots in the farm life. Particularly, us Patterson women. My father constantly talks about how much he misses it. There’s nothing that turns me on more than a dirty farm boy.” Gerald said, “It does?” April said, “Let me show you.” Then she gave Gerald a big kiss. Gerald’s mother said, “Stop that right now, Gerald.” Dr. Forsythe said, “Don’t insult Becky, your date.” Becky said, “I’m not his date. Whoa! April watch those hands! You’re not 16 yet.” April said, “I don’t know if I can restrain myself. I think I am going to go to 3rd base right now.” Gerald said, “Not in front of mom and dad. My psychosexual self will be traumatized for the rest of my life.” Dr. Forsythe said, “This has gone far enough, Miss Patterson. I think it’s time for you to leave.” April was covered in mud from Gerald and said, “Take one step closer and the white wool carpets get it.” It’s a little bit of a stand off now.
At 12:21 AM, howard said…

Mr. Forsythe reached into the mud and pulled April and Gerald apart. April was struggling to reach Gerald and was flinging mud around. Mrs. Forsythe said, “Stop! Stop! You're wrecking my nice, clean house. Go out in the garage. We promise we won’t interfere in your relationship any more. Just don’t touch my white wool carpets, white damask sofa, white linen tablecloths, white velvet curtains, white moire armchairs, white chenille dining chairs, white marble countertops,or my Martha Stewart Signature paint collection nonpareil white walls on the way out.” April said, “How can I trust you? You keep trying to get Gerald together with Becky.” Dr. Forsythe said, “And we will keep on trying. The thought of our Gerald trapped in this town in a life like what your father has is unbearable.” I said, “What’s so unbearable about it?” Dr. Forsythe said, “You are obviously too gay to appreciate what Dr. John Patterson goes through.” Becky said, “You mean, because he is gay, he gets some.” Mrs. Forsythe said, “Aloysius, this is not the time to discuss our love life.” April said, “When are you going to get it through your thick heads that, like, I have free will and I don't have to turn into my mother. There's diet and exercise and rhinoplasty and liposuction for the physical stuff. Plus I plan to leave Milborough as soon as I can and if Gerald is with me, then he can come too.” Dr. Forsythe said, “This is very interesting. I don’t know that I have seen such a strong case of parental alienation syndrome as this girl.” Mrs. Forsythe said, “Considering her parents, what did you expect?” Becky said, “Focus, people. It’s getting late. Promise you’ll leave Gerald and April alone. They both need to get a bath and go to bed. We have school tomorrow.” Gerald said, “Can Howard give me a bath? He is really good at it.” Dr. Forsythe said, “Absolutely not. You should only be bathed by your mother, or your girlfriend or a licensed professional. Not some gay guy whose only thought is to seduce you.” I said, “I am a licensed professional.” Dr. Forsythe said, “I should have known. Very well then. Only by your mother or your girlfriend.” Mrs. Forsythe said, “Gerald, go to the bath. Aloysius, agree to the terms." He nods. Mrs. Forsythe said, "We agree to your terms as long as you exit through the garage without touching anything. Aloysius lay down paper for them to walk on.” As we were leaving I heard Mrs. Forsythe say, “Our plan backfired. I didn’t know the Pattersons were farm people.” Dr. Forsythe said, “Oh, I should have guessed. Elly Patterson dresses like she just walked off a farm.”

Becky said to me, "What were the pictures for, Howie?" I said, "Proof. These pictures will be for April to use the next time this comes up." April said, "I think I understand. Very clever, Howard."

Howard K.

April's Real Blog

Monday, April 10, 2006

Soggy Toast?

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