April's Real Blog

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Whatevs, Boring-Elly!

After all that xcitement last nite, the last thing I needed this morning was a boring "Mom" story, but Mom was all abt telling me what she an' Dad discussed on their way home fr. the restaurant Sunday nite. Dad was all recappy w/"It's dun, Elly. U sold the bookstore." And Mom was all re-recappy, w/"Yes, it's over." Dad wanted 2 know whether she felt like the w8 of the world had been lifted fr. her shoulderz. As if. And Mom was, like, "Not really. I feel anxious, scared, energized, --as if I was starting a whole new life. There R classes 2 take, challengez 2 meet, thingz 2 accomplish...the list is endless!" Dad asked her what she was going 2 do 1st, & Mom was all "Clean out the basement." I was all, "Yeah, Ma, v. interesting. Have fun." Then I used the Macbeth excuse w/helping Dunc w/his linez 2 get away early again. Yesterday, when I sed sumthing abt the play 2 Dunc, like, "How're the Macbeth rehearsals goin'?" Dunc was all, "Shhhh! Don't let Mirabell hear ya say "Macbeth." It hasta B "the Scottish play." Cuz of the curse. "4 sum reason, he'z xtra superstitious on acct of yr bro." Hm, I wonder Y that is?

So, like, big ups 2 Howard & Becky, 4 their help w/the whole Gerald sitch. Howard was s00per smart w/his idea 4 me 2 pretend that Ger being all filthy was a big ol' turn-on. Man, was that tuff. It looks like the Forsythes R gonna lay off their trying 2 break us up and Get Ger & Becks 2gether. Thank God. Dr. F seemed v. impressed w/my "parental alienation." He decided that was, like, healthy coping considering my upbringing.

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 8:38 AM  

19 Comments:

  • At 9:33 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I am so glad things worked out as well as they did last night at Gerald’s house. You will be glad to hear I have gotten the mud out of your nice dress, so it can be worn again. Getting mud stains out of silk can be done if it is operated on rapidly. Just like getting mud stains off Pattersons, so they can return home to their parents without raising suspicions, can be done. Your comment last night while you were being bathed, about how if you ever had to call on me as a back-up gay, you were going to want a personal bath every day, was a very nice compliment. I imagine Gerald’s bath at the hands of his mother, was not as pleasant.

    Speaking of compliments, I must say you were magnificent last night. If I did not know you were pretending to try to go to 3rd base with Gerald, I would have been convinced. You should consider doing some acting. I understand your school has a drama club. Just something to think about, if your mom decides to make you her personal project and you need a reason to escape. You have been making an effective use of MacBeth so far, without actually being in the play.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 9:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings about your mother’s plans for the future. I don’t think your mother would spend her retirement years being a bagandizi (do nothing) and just cleaning basements. She is still a young and vibrant woman, with many years ahead of her to accomplish great things. Whenever I am with your sister, I can see the potential for her to make her place in the world as your mother as done. Your sister has that same spark as I saw when I met your mother. It is yet another reason why I love her. Your sister, that is.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 9:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, u musta been rilly happy 2 hear ur mom did have u on that long list of thingz 2 do. mebbe she will get so xxcited ‘bout cleanin’ the basement she will 4get she evn mentioned training u n sewin’ & cookin’. i am havin’ dinner @dirne’s place 2nite. she sed since we have been 2gethah 4 11 dayz, it iz tyme 4 her 2 demonstr8 her cookin’ skillz. she red ur blog entry & sed i cud also check out how clean the basement iz, if i wunted. @least i think it wuz cuz of ur blog entry. she may have sumthin’ else n mind n the basement. i am hopin’ 4 an early entry n2 2nd base.

     

  • At 9:58 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, omg, thanx 4 rescuing my dress. u r also a genius w/giving ppl a bath! u r rite abt ger's bath. he sed it was "most unpleasant".

    paul, i agree w/u abt my mom & wasting her life, but she has these weird ideas abt what ppl do @ her age.

    jeremy, hope yr d8 w/dirne goez well!

    apes

     

  • At 1:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, @lunch 2day, dirne was quite xxcited 2 tell peeps she wuz making supper 4 me 2nite. she made it a point 2 kinda mention it where rebeccah & tangi cud hear it. eva wuz a little down @lunch. she sed, “i wuz feelin’ all anxious, scared, energized last week – as if i wuz startin’ a whole new life. i had my new look. duncan wuz lookin’ @me a lot. we were talkin’ ‘bout gettin’ new peeps n the band & changin’ the name. it wuz gr8. it wuz like the w8 of the world had been lifted frum my shoulderz.” i sed, “like atlas.” eva sed, “wut?” i sed, “atlas. he wuz the god w/the world on hiz shoulderz.” eva sed, “jeremy jonez. ur ruining my gr8 analogy.” i sed, “sorry. go on.” eva sed, “wut wuz i sayin’?” dirne sed, “sumthin’ ‘bout how much u like ur new look.” eva sed, “i know u don’t like my new look, but thass ok. i wuz feelin’ rilly good ‘bout it & then middle of last week, i lost that gud feelin’.” shannon sed, “thass strange, cuz rite ‘bout the middle of last week, i started feelin’ rilly gud. i got april outa her bad mood by talkin’ ‘bout my imaginary apartment & i suddenly felt like i cud accomplish nething…the list wuz endless. then this week, blah, again.” i sed, “i felt pretty gud on thursday 4 sum reazn. but the rest of the tyme wuz normal.” dirne sed, “xxcept 4 havin’ a new gf, eh?” i sed, “xxcept 4 havin’ a new gf. that wuz gr8.” dirne sed, “wuz?” i sed, “still is & will continue 2b gr8.” i sed, “this iz 1 of the thingz i like best ‘bout u dirne. wen i say the wrong thing @the wrong tyme, u just tell me thass wut i am doin’ so i can fix it. my othah gfs wud just go quiet & kick n my locker or sumthin’ like that.” dirne sed, “ur so sweet 2 say that.” & she gave me a kiss. shannon sed, “ew. not n fronta me please.” eva sed, “ew. wut she sed.” dirne sed, “girls, please. a good gf givez her bf public displayz of affection thruout the day 2 affirm their relationship. az long az the kiss duzn’t last longah than 5 secondz, it is not ‘ew’-able.” shannon sed, “i think u were @6 seconds there, dirne.” dirne sed, “i wuz? then pardon me. jeremy, thass a second off our next kiss.”

     

  • At 2:49 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    Wow Apes, w/all ur mom sez she's going 2 do, I'm surprised she didn't mention the writing class. Mebbe she'll write essays about cleaning her basement or something. Thankfully my mom's job pays well....lol.

    Say Jeremy, were ne of the cars Mr. P test-drove those funny hovercars? I dunno how I'd keep from puking n the car if I were u!

    Dirne's been a big help around here! Not only has she helped me improve my fashion sense (I know there are more places 2 shop than Hot Topic...lol), but she's teaching Gordie how 2 b a gentleman. Like yestahday, we passed her & Jeremy on the way 2 Starbucks, & she told Gordie that the guy walks on the outside part of the sidewalk. Aftah that, he offered to carry me over puddles, but given his track record w/injuries, that didn't seem like such a good idea.

    Vicks

     

  • At 4:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    vicki, i dunno wut it iz ‘bout dr. p’s cars, but everythin’ he drives, hovers. the hoverin’ duz freak u out, particularly wen u pass ovah sumthin’ n the road like a pothole, or a squirrel, or an old lady & ur xxpectin’ a big bump & then there’s nothin’. i wish dr. p had been drivin’ the car that hit me on my bicycle, cuz then i wudn’t have ended up n hospital or have scarz. no problem w/pukin’ tho, cuz the ride iz actually v.v. smooth. the only thing that makes me sick wen i go on a test-drive w/dr. p iz the punz.

    thanx 4 the compliments ‘bout dirne. she rilly likes u. she haz told me many tymez she wishez more of my friendz were like u, cuz u actually will take her fashion advice. just 2 let u know, she iz rilly serious ‘bout clothez, so wen she sed she wud help u financially 2 get gordie thoze designer sk8boardin’ shoez 4 hiz b-day, she wuzn’t kiddin’. but i unnerstand how u wanna buy gordie sumthin’ u pay 4 urself.

     

  • At 4:59 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    Wow...trapped n a car listening 2 Mr. P cracking bad puns. I feel so bad 4 u, Jeremy. U could get an iPod nano or 1 of those rilly small mp3 players, just pop n the headfones and smile & nod while Mr. P. yammers on. U think he'd notice, Apes?

    Dirne's so sweet 2 offer $, but w/my part-time library gig & my allowance from both my foax, I should b able 2 swing it. Bsides, those shoes from Vans r on sale. Not that that matters n getting Gordie top-quality sk8boarding gear.

    Also, that was another thing that bugged Marjee about Maynard. He'd buy her stoopid trinkets (even if he was trying 2 b nice), but he'd fall bhind on his bills & his friends would have 2 cover 4 him if they went 2 dinner or wherevs. It got 2 the point where he just expected it, so that peeved his buds. His advice on dating & drugs is solid, but I won't listen 2 him about money....lol

    Vicks

     

  • At 5:15 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    vicks, no, i don't think my dad wd notice jeremy listening 2 a really small mp3 player, just as long as he did the smiling & nodding & mayB threw in a lame-o sticky-outy tung laff.

    mayB my mom is doing the basement thing 2 procrastinate fr. doing her h'work, eh? if yr mom tells u that my mom was unprepared 4 class, i will laff my arse off!

    apes

     

  • At 5:23 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    After Becky got done with school today, her mom sent us on an errand to get some Easter stuff to decorate Krystle’s Kakes and Pies. Krystle (Becky’s mom) said, “Go over to the Spigott Building to the Photos & Pharmacy and pick up some Easter stuff.” I said, “Isn’t that the Pharmacy Plus?” Krystle said, “They changed their name, since most of the people who go in there don’t get their drugs there. I said, “That’s odd. Isn’t a medical building?” Krystle said, “There were a couple of false arrests where some people getting their prescriptions were accused of trying to sell them for street drugs. Most of the physicians in the building send the prescriptions to a different place now. Now, the place does most of its business in suntan lotion, zinc oxide, cold remedies, moisturizer, fancy bath products, vitamins and other diet supplements. They should have some Easter stuff there.”

    Becky and I went over. Becky said, “This is where April’s sister-in-law works?” I said, “I think so.” We looked around and there was a lot of Easter grass, and decorations. Becky said, “Where’s the chocolate Easter candy?” We both looked around and there wasn’t any. We went back to the pharmacy and asked where the Easter candy was. The pharmacist said, “The pharmacy manager keeps the chocolate candy locked up in her desk drawer.” I said, “Could we buy some?” The pharmacist said, “You’ll have to talk to the manager. There she is now.” In the door of the pharmacy came your sister-in-law, looking about 20 pounds heavier and with, what appeared to be, chocolate stains around her mouth. Becky said, “We want to buy some Easter chocolate candy. The lady in the pharmacy said we had to talk to you.” Your sister-in-law grumbled a little and said, “I’ll get you some.” She went back into the back of the pharmacy and came back with a single bag of Easter chocolate. Becky said, “I think we need more than one bag.” Your sister-in-law said, “No! It’s my private stash!” Becky and I stared at her and then she said, “Oh, all right. But don’t tell anyone you got more than one bag.” She came back with 2 bags of Easter chocolate.

    Becky said, “You should lay off that chocolate. You’re putting on weight.” Your sister-in-law said, “You’re April’s little friend aren’t you?” Becky said, “Yes. I am littler than April.” Your sister-in-law said, “Sometimes you just need some junk in your diet.” Becky said, “You’re obviously not a dietician.” Your sister-in-law said, “Don’t worry. I am going to burn it off with some spring cleaning.” I said, “That’s funny. April’s mom said she was going to do the same thing.” Your sister-in-law said, “My mother-in-law said that? Well, that just confirms it.” Becky said, “Confirms what?” Your sister-in-law said, “I plan to hire someone to clean the carpets at our home as soon as it warms up enough to have the windows open for a few hours on a weekend. Then we will vacate the premises while it's done. I originally thought we would go spend time with my mother-in-law, but since she has retired, I think maybe we'll go visit my parents or something. My parents are unpleasant to visit, but it is far better than visiting my mother-in-law when she is one of cleaning moods. She bends over and sticks her bottom in the air and she yells a lot. It is very stressful.” I said, “I wouldn’t want to be there either.” Becky said, “You got that right.” So, we bought the candy and some other decorations and went back to Krystle’s Kakes and Pies.

    I have to do my shows at the Valhalla now, but I thought you might find that story interesting.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 5:32 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    d00d, dee'z not kidding about how my mom is when she'z in her cleaning mood. i will have 2 find more reasonz 2 get outta the house when that gets going!

    i didn't know dee had gotten so bad abt the chockiez!

    apes

     

  • At 5:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    vicki, dr. p & headfonez. thass a v.v. bad combo. u wud not b-lieve the lecture i got on headfonez & ear budz & otoscopes, wen i tried that 1. he sed do not under ne circumstances stick nething n ur earz wen ur on a treadmill. i asked him wut ‘bout wen ur on the street & he sed 2 w8 till all the ice & snow r gone, othahwise u will slip & fall under a movin’ car. thanx 4 the suggestion, but dr. p iz rilly sensitive 2 that kinda stuff 4 sum reazn.

    dirne agrees w/u completely ‘bout not buyin’ ur gf st00pid trinkets. she haz told me a good bf will get the real stuff, evn if it iz not az big az the trinkets. “a little diamond meanz much more than the biggest cubic zirconium.” we’re havin’ dinner now, so i hafta stop posting. dirne sez a good bf duzn’t post wen his gf iz servin’ him dinner.

     

  • At 8:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I am not happy to hear that you have chosen not to take my advice about boys. But if you want to learn the hard way about the ones who will use you just for sex, then I guess I can't do anything about it. If I knew you would misuse my red dress like that, though, I would not have given it to you.

    I also do not approve of you laughing at my mother, Becky. She is a wonderful person. Also, you people obviously do not understand that people who are over 50 are just tired. Mrs. Browne is obviously lying about her activities for some nefarious purpose of her own.

    Liz

     

  • At 9:27 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, my mom is way touchy abt her retirement planz. & guess what? she actually went out 2 get a special guidebook 2 china, like where u can get canadian food there & the most western-style hotelz & resorts.

    liz, u used 2 b much more cube abt laffing @ mom. remember when u usta laff @ her & not wanna b like her? what happed?

    apes

     

  • At 10:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    There are some things Mom is wrong about. But I do not think it is funny to laugh at her just because she is now an elderly person.

    Liz

     

  • At 11:24 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Nick’s mom is really a fabulous lady and so active. Actually Connie Poirier reminds me a lot of her in physical activity, although Connie cannot match her in vacation and work activities, since Connie has already retired. I have noticed that the mothers of Milborough gays are in pretty good shape all around, but I seriously doubt that has anything to do with your mother, having 3 heterosexual children.

    I finished up the late show at the Valhalla and I am now into my second load of Drew Fontaine laundry. That boy has got to learn to use a napkin. The food stains he has on his clothing imply that he does not use a knife or fork and simply throws the food somewhere in the vicinity of his mouth and tried to catch it with his teeth.

    While the laundry is running, I am spritzing down the gym machines. I never use them, of course, but there was also a nice pool of sweat in the free weight area that irritated me. After that, then it’s time for a trip to the late night grocery for some pomegranate-blueberry naked juice. It’s Becky’s favourite, next to drinks involving ice cream or chocolate. I think I am going to have to hide some where Drew can’t find it next time.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 12:15 AM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    I picked up the extra naked juices. "Extra naked juices." Hee-hee! For some reason I find that phrase amusing. In any case, I know the perfect place to hide them. In my room, there is a drawer full of my naughty, naughty things. If Drew dares to open that drawer, he will probably close it immediately. I think you know the one. It's the one where when you opened it you said, "Howie, you perv." Anyway, the extra juices are in there. The rest are in the refigerator, where they can be easily found to throw Drew off the scent of the extra naked juices. Hee-hee! I don't know know why that sounds funny to me.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 1:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, the dinner 2nite @dirne’s wuz a disaster. it started off pretty well. dirne had me set the table while she finished the last minute food stuff. we actually had the dinner n the basement, cuz dirne wunted privacy frum her ‘rents. her basement iz rilly, rilly clean. i thot my basement wuz clean aftah eva wuz ovah there, but this makes my basement look filthy. we were talkin’ ‘bout the usual stuff, skool, fashion & drama club. 2day n drama club wuz rilly cube. mr. mirabell gave me a binder of sound & light cues & he got pretty mad wen i told him we didn’t have the equipment 2 do ½ of it. but aside frum that, duncan & zandra larson r like a couple now. dirne wuz not convinced, but sum peeps saw them definitely roundin’ 1st base & headed 4 2nd, if they hadn’t been seen. dirne sed it iz 2 soon 4 the gf / bf 2b officially declared. “all they have rite now iz lust & i think it iz my choice of costume 4 zandra that shud take credit. they wud nevah have hooked up if she wuz wearin’ her usual black clothez.” i hafta admit zandra haz been lookin’ pretty good l8ly, but not az gud az dirne, of course.

    neway, aftah we rehashed & analyzed the events of drama club, we sat down 2 eat. dirne looked @my every expression. i cud tell she wuz w8ing 4 me 2 say sumthin’. then she just sed it, “a good bf will give hiz gf compliments on her cookin’.” i sed, “thanx 4 making this food 4 me dirne.” dirne sed, “and…sumthin’ ‘bout how it tastes rilly gr8.” i sed, “dirne, don’t make me say wut i think of the taste, please.” dirne sed, “wut?” i sed, “i know most boyz wud lie if they didn’t like wut their gf made 4 them, but i try rilly hard not 2 lie, cuz my dad did it all the tyme w/me.” dirne sed, “a proper bf wud lie hiz ass off ‘bout hiz gf’s food, evn if he thot he had been poisoned.” i sed, “it duzn’t taste az bad az poison.” dirne sed, “wut? u needta b lying rite now, jeremy.” i sed, “sorry, dirne. i rilly like that u cooked 4 me, but this duzn’t taste good 2 me.” dirne started weepin’ & cryin’ & sayin’ “get away frum me. this iz not wut a proper bf shud do. i shud b hearin’ nice thingz frum u.” dirne’s ‘rents came runnin’ n2 the basement & sed, “dirne. we heard the cryin’. wut haz this boy done 2u? wut’s wrong?”

    dirne wailed, “he duzn’t like my cooking.” dirne’s ‘rents sed, “jeremy. a good bf alwayz sez he likes hiz gf’s cookin’ evn if he duzn’t.” i sed, “sorry. but thass lyin’. i asked dirne not 2 ask me wut i thot ‘bout the food, but she did neway.” dirne’z mom sed, “i have completely misjudged u jeremy jones. i thot u were the perfect bf 4 our dirne. 4 a girl az wunnerful az our dirne u shud be willing 2 lie like ur life depended on it.” dirne’s dad sed, “ur not welcome @our house. u have betrayed our trust nu. get out!” so i left & dirne wuz cryin’ the whole way. it wuz awful. i screwed up again. i am so st00pid.

     

  • At 9:36 AM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    There is a little mini-fridge for my especially naughty things. I guess you didn't get a good look the time you opened it. Of course, it has been such a long time since I got to use those things, it was no problem putting juices in there. My love life stinks. The only people who make passes at me are old ladies who want me to threaten their teenager grandchildren.

    Howard K.

     

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