Sugar Rush
So, after last nite's xcitement, Howard & Marjee finally got 2 Howard's Aunt Winnie & Uncle Melville's place (the apartment under Mike an' Dee). They stayed overnite 2 spend Easter there. And this morning, Howard called me, all
So after church, Ger'z gonna come over 4 Easter dinner. Shd B cube--I hope his stomach isn't 2 sore from all that punching his bro did yesterday.
Apes
"April, U will not believe the terrible racket we heard coming from your brother and sister-in-law's place this morning. I could have sworn a 300-lb rabbit were bounding around up here, though I'd hope it wouldn't be the electrified variety! We could tell someone was jumping, bouncing, hopping, no only all across the floor, but also up onto and across the furniture! Then, my aunt led Marjee and me to a spot near a vent, where you can hear everything that's said up there, and I could hear your brother saying, 'Don't tell me', and your sister-in-law responding, 'Yes--she at a whole chocolate rabbit!!' My aunt said, 'Howard, you would not believe how typical that is. What do you figure those two so-called parents were doing when they should have been watching that girl. Why was she even able to get access to an entire chocolate rabbit?' Then we heard Dee saying, 'Michael, that was my stash! I'm going back out to Laura Secord to get more, eh?' And Mike said, 'Dee, do you really think you need more chocolate?' Then we heard tears. Anyway, Marjee and I thought you'd want to know."Thanks for the scoop, Howard! I'm glad no1 was seriously hurt last nite & that when my dad's med-training kicked in, it pushed the punz aside 4 a while. It musta taken a lot of restraint not 2 toss thoze molotov cocktailz rite @ him when he was doing that, eh?
So after church, Ger'z gonna come over 4 Easter dinner. Shd B cube--I hope his stomach isn't 2 sore from all that punching his bro did yesterday.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 8:57 AM
11 Comments:
At 10:04 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, it didn’t sound like ur dad wuz doin’ test drives last nite. i’m glad 2 hear he’z ok. i went w/dirne & her famly 2 great vigil of easter yestahday & we r goin’ 2 the procession & choral eucharist @11 am 2day. i asked y we were goin’ 2 this service, cuz i saw last nite the cathedral church of st. damian n mboro haz a lotta othah masses 2day. dirne sed, “jeremy. the choral eucharist iz the best, where all the best peeps n mboro will b, & also it iz gonna b streamed live on their website, so it iz mportant for us 2b there 2b seen.” i sed, “i don’t think easter iz ‘bout b-ing seen.” dirne sed, “but of course ur rite, jeremy. howevah, it haz turned n2 that kinda holiday. peeps who nevah go 2 church all year will come on easter 2b seen. we gotta go v.v. early so we can get a gud parkin’ place.”
i am glad u mentioned laura secord, cuz dirne told me n advance that wuz the easter candy i wuz supposed 2 give her. i sed, “u get easter candy on easter? aren’t u a little old 4 that?” dirne sed, “a gud bf nevah misses an opportunity 2 give his gf chocolate. chocolate makes a gf think naughty thots.” i sed i wud hafta remembah that. wen u think ‘bout it makes sense. i hope u have a happy easter. i hafta wear this designer suit dirne got me w/a pink shirt & a green tie. i hope no guyz c me n this.
At 10:11 AM,
Anonymous said…
Yo, Jones, I saw you in that foofy outfit this morning! I'd punch you in the stomach, but my fist is sore from punching Gerald. Mmmm, punching Gerald. I can hardly wait until my fist is in good punching form again.
Laura Secord chocolate bunnies. Mmm, chocolate. I already ate mine, but I know where Gerald hid his. It will be mine, too!
Gerald's Brother
At 10:20 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your niece eating a chocolate bunny and hopping. It sounds like a lot of fun. I wish I was hopping with her. I hope to meet your niece someday. My people do not celebrate Easter. It is not an Ojibway tradition, although many Ojibway converted to Christianity and do celebrate as a part of that religion. My ningashi (mother) converted when she married my nindede (father), who is Irish Catholic.
As it is most holidays, I do not get time off work, but today’s work is very meaningful to me. The Ontario Provincial Police in Otter County are spending the day delivering Easter baskets for low income children. The baskets were made from donations by people living in Otter County, much of which came from officers working in my detachment. We spent most of yesterday wrapping baskets with candy and other small presents. My partner is a softy when it comes to Easter and she is excited to be making these deliveries. She says, “Not only do we get to see people happy to see us for a change, but we get to see children get something they otherwise would not get.” It has been fun so far, kind of like hearing about your niece and her hopping.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 10:59 AM,
howard said…
April,
You quoted me in your Blog entry. I feel very honoured. I don’t think I told you what happened after last night.
After we left hospital, Marjee and I got Becky home and she pretty much fell asleep immediately. Those high stress situations can take it out of you. Then Marjee and I were off to my uncle and aunt’s place, much later than we were expecting to be. When we got there, uncle Melville greeted us at the door and said, “You’re finally here. Winnie and I were worried sick when you said you had to deal with an arsonist.” I said, “Yes. This is my friend, Marjee Mahaha.” Uncle Mel said, “Glad to meet you Marjee. Any friend of Howard’s is a friend of ours. Howard, there’s something I need to warn you about.” But then Winnie came out of bedroom with a face I had not expected to see. My aunt Winnie said, “Howard, and this must be Marjee. You remember Kayla, don’t you? Mel’s cousin.” I said tersely, “Kayla.” Kayla Kelpfroth said tersely, “Howard.”
I grabbed uncle Melville and said, “What is she doing here? We never got along.” Uncle Mel said, “She just showed up out of the blue, and how could we turn her away? She’s family.” Kayla said, “Howard. Your parents told me you had turned back straight again and I must say, your girlfriend is very attractive.” Marjee said, “Thanks. But I am not Howard’s girlfriend. I work with Howard at the salon and we lift weights together.” I said, “Sorry. Kayla. I didn’t give Marjee a proper introduction. She thought it would be fun to meet my aunt and uncle, so she graciously agreed to come with me. I am still gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. My parents see what they want to see when it comes to those kinds of things.” Kayla said, “I can’t say I blame them since you are traveling with a very beautiful woman. I would get confused too. Aren’t you confused, cousin Mel?” My uncle Mel said, “I don’t care who Howard brings to visit. I do care about getting some sleep before the kids upstairs wake up and start stomping all over the floor and waking me up.” Aunt Winnie said, “Yes. Howard and Marjee, you can have the guest bedroom. Kayla will take the chesterfield.” I said, “But I though Marjee would have the guest bedroom and I would have the chesterfield.” Winnie said, “That was before Kayla came. You’ll have to make adjustments.”
Kayla said, “Howard. You don’t have to make a show for me. I am sure Marjee doesn’t bite, do you Marjee?” Marjee said, “Well, on special occasions, I do bite.” Kayla said, “Howard. She’s funny too. You have good taste in women, Howard.” I said, “Why are you here Kayla?” Kayla said, “I thought you would never ask. You see, I have been taking a class in Creative Non-fiction writing at the Milborough College of Arts, Technology, and Tractor-Pulling. Marjee doesn’t know this, so I will tell you I'm a technical documentation specialist for a medical software company in the Toronto area. Since my day job involves a lot of numbers and clinical data, I've been looking for an avenue to explore my creative aspirations. I thought I might write about my cousin Mel, provided that's okay with him and his lovely wife Winifred. So, I came here to visit with them and to get story ideas. I am particularly interested in stories about how you have had to deal with your upstairs neighbours.” My aunt Winnie said, “I have loads of those, but we should get to bed.”
So, I got into the guest bed with Marjee. I said, “Sorry about this Marjee. I thought we would have separate places to sleep.” Marjee said, “Don’t worry about it Howard. It’s not like we haven’t slept together before.” So we were in bed and Marjee said, “Howard. That fire kind of got me tense. Would you mind holding me? It would make me feel better.” I said OK and I held her. After awhile Marjee said, “Howard. I am still not quite calmed down. Would you mind putting head next to mine and whispering, ‘Everything will be all right, baby’?” I said OK and put my head next to hers and started whispering. After a few more minutes Marjee said, “Howard. I am still kind of tense. Would you mind giving me a little massage while you’re holding me and whispering.” I said OK and started massaging her while I was whispering. After a few more minutes Marjee said, “Howard. I just can’t get calmed down. Would you mind grabbing my breast and pinching it while saying, ‘I’m going to take care of you, baby’?” I said, “Now you’re pushing it Marjee. Go to sleep.” So she finally did.
We were woken up the next morning by Kayla Kelpfroth saying, “Oh Howard. You and Marjee are so cute together, spooning like that.” I said, “Just because we were spooning, doesn’t mean I am not gay.” Kayla said, “Certainly. Whatever you say, Howard. But you were still cute together.”
We had a late breakfast and Aunt Winnie has been telling Kayla all kinds of stories. I may relate some of them or Marjee can, if she wants to.
Howard K.
At 11:11 AM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes!
Happy Easter!
Aft we jammmed yesterday I went 2 Zeds 2 watch the game. 5-1 Leafs ovah Senators that was so cube but then the Lightning 1 their game so the Leaf r outta the playoffs. I was bummed 4 a bit but then I remembered Ive got drama club 2 look 4ward 2 on Tues.
Im w/ Zed hanging @ Horny Ts we r going ovah 2 her place 2 rehearse sum more her bratto bro Chucky will b outta the house 'cos Zeds 'rents r taking him 2 the Easter parade. I guess Zed an' I r officially gf/bf now. When we were walking ovah 2 Horny Ts we went by the 2nd Cup an' Zainab an' Zahava were sitting by the window an' started saying rilly rude things 2 "Sandra" but Zed didnt fite w/ them she just stopped walking an' kissed me that shut them up.
I got Zed a choclit bunny yesterday but I didnt think it look v goth so I cut off the head. I hope she likes it.
L8r.
L8r, mayB.
At 11:20 AM,
Anonymous said…
Hello, April! This has been an eventful weekend, so far, as you can tell! The room Howard and I shared last night was interesting, in that it was a sort of enclosed porch that had been converted into a bedroom.
One of the stories that Howard's aunt and uncle told us about had to do with an article that your brother wrote about them. Although he didn't name names, it was quite obvious that the article was pointedly written about Winnie and Melville. Melville had even consulted with a lawyer about suing, since anyone who knew that the Kelpfroths lived below Michael Patterson, in this Toronto neighbourhood that is neither Rosedale nor the Beaches, would know that the article was about Win and Mel. But the lawyer told them, "It's no use. Whenever someone tries to pursue a libel case against Michael Patterson, he ends up getting a major boost in his career. After he did a major hatchet job against the fashion designer Divala, not only did Portrait magazine win the clear-cut libel suit against them, but Michael Patterson became their editor-in-chief. If you sue Michael, he'll probably manage to win the Nobel Prize and further trash your reputation at the same time!" Howard's aunt and uncle were flabbergasted about the whole affair. Winnie said, "The most frustrating thing about it is that the upstairs neighbours have never once tried to discuss our differences with us like calm, mature adults. Instead, they divide the foyer with tape and write juvenile, libelous newspaper articles. And we can't even get any help from our landlady, as she adores the Pattersons, and she even served us with an eviction notice just to make them happy. Lucky for us, she's too lazy to follow through on it. And I think Michael and Deanna have forgotten that the eviction notice was ever served." Howard said, "Yes, that was the impression I got from reading Deanna's March letter."
Karla was amused to learn that her instructor for that writing class is my birth mom, Marilyn Simone. Small world, eh?
Marjee
At 11:24 AM,
April Patterson said…
dunc, that's cube that u & zed r "official". i had fun hanging out w/u 2 the other day. i'll bet she'll luv the headless bunny.
apes
At 7:23 PM,
April Patterson said…
poor ger showed me the bruises on his stomach from where his bro punched him again & again yesterday. easter dinner was going pretty well until my mom started asking ger all these ?'s abt his mom. apparently she'z in the writing class that mom's taking & mom felt she needed sum kinda "ammunition" 4 sum reason. "gerald, can't u give me sum dirt on yr mother?" ger was, all, "dirt? but mater'z super clean. the décor in our house is all white, so she has 2 b." & my mom was, like, "not that kind of dirt, gerald! what deep, dark secrets can u tell me abt her?" & he was, like, "she'z lactose-intolerant." & my mom was, like, "that's not much, but i guess it's a start." ger put his arm around me, & mom was, like, "isn't that sweet? now, hands off my teenangster!" & ger was, like, "but i want 2 marry my little april-flower!" & my mom was totally "marriage, eh? y isn't it nice 2 hear sum1 so yung b so marriage-minded already? i wish liz had april's kinda luck. that reminds me, i have 2 call liz and pry, i mean, ask her how paul is. now, gerald, u go ahead & put yr arm around april, but no groping!" & she went off 2 use the phone. & dad was all, "no groping, indeed. groping is ag-grope-pating." & he laffed w/his tung sticking out. i was, like, "'pop', that doesn't even work as a pun." & he sed, "teenz. u just don't understand wordplay!" & he went back 2 eating.
then mom came back & was all, "as usual, liz is a closed book. she won't even tell me whether paul is with her today. 'mayB he is, mayB he isn't.' that's all i cd get from her. neway, who will help me clear the dinner dishes so we can move on2 our dessert?" @ the mention of "dessert", ger was like sum sci-fi s00per-fast robot, clearing off plates & serving dishes & then helping mom bring out the cakes & piez. he was so xcited. "don't tell my mom i had desserts, april! pls don't tell!" i sed i wdn't, & i noticed mom got a secretive gleam in her eye & scribbled sum notes in that journal she'z keeping 4 the writing class.
ger & i r watching vidz now.
apes
At 9:56 PM,
howard said…
April,
I got to hear a story about your brother I had not heard before. Apparently, earlier in the month, my aunt Winnie was coming into the foyer when she heard your brother talking to himself in the foyer. He was standing in front of the mirrored throne chair that is used to hold hats and umbrellas, particularly in front of the mirrored part. As my aunt Winnie got closer she realized he wasn’t wearing a shirt and so she decided to be quiet and listen to what he was saying. It went kind of like this, “Turning 30. And so are many friends. I will join the ranks of 'over 20' people - caught between the frivolity of youth and the factoids of frenetic day-to-day professional grind. I find the finality of my fate to be futile and foolish for a fine phase of my life. It's a change that rattles me much more than I thought it would. Much like a gorilla rattling its cage or a baby playing with a rattle or a rattlesnake. They are scary. Do I look at myself in fear? Am I a man who flinches whenever kids at the grocery store call me 'sir'? Do I shriek like a little girl when the guy in the courier van asks ‘Mr. Patterson’ to ‘sign here’? Do I run screaming whenever my child calls me 'daddy'? I look in the mirror here in the foyer and I see a changing visage. I look like my mother, my sister, my father, and people I don’t know. There are lines around my eyes, my mouth, my brow. There are lines that outline my jaw, my hair and most of my body. I have removed my shirt and I wonder. Am I vain or self-centred as I scan my physical landscape for signs of rot and detritus? Am I man enough to remove my pants to search the bodily horizons for the signposts flashing ‘residuum’ and ‘offal’? The answer, of course, is yes. I am. Ergo the name ‘meter’ as applied to the measure of the music of my man thing.” My aunt said she did not want to see your brother drop his drawers, so she made a loud banging noise as if she was just arriving. He ran up the stairs to his apartment putting on his shirt as he went. We all got a good laugh from that story.
Kayla Kelpfroth said, “To be able to get into the mind of a professional writer like that. It is so interesting to hear about someone with a truly creative mind. I work with numbers so much, it is like a completely alien personality.” My uncle Melville said, “He is like a completely alien personality, but that doesn’t have anything to do with writing. Uncle Karl writes limericks and he’s a regular guy.” Kayla said, “I don’t count naughty limericks as real writing.”
I said, “Do you have any other stories like that?” Marjee said, “That was pretty funny.” Aunt Winnie said, “Well there was something that happened the other day.” Uncle Melville said, “Oh the day after St. Patrick’s Day thing.” Kayla said, “Does it involve your neighbour?” Aunt Winnie said, “2 of our neighbours actually. The one upstairs to us and the one upstairs in the building next to ours. This is what happened. Melville and I were coming home from bowling and on the outside porch were our two neighbours.” We said hello as we usually do and we did not expect an answer back. Then they got up and started making sounds like a lion or a bear. I said to them, ‘What are you doing?’ They laughed and said, ‘We are roaring as the troublemakers appeared.’ I said, ‘You are obviously drunk.’ Our upstairs neighbour said, ‘We didn't get drunk like we thought we would.’ The other neighbour said, ‘It is a late but sober night.’ Our upstairs neighbour said, ‘I’ll toast to that.’ The other neighbour raised his glass and said, ‘To a communion of souls, of spirits, of like minds.’ Our upstairs neighbour said, ‘Perhaps you would like to join us a little drinkee?’ We declined. Melville said, ‘I hope you stay out here doing this. I don’t want to hear it in our room.’ The other neighbour said, ‘Not to worry, Kelps. We will probably sleep out here tonight.’ Our upstairs neighbour said, ‘Fully clothed. Remember fully clothed. Keep in touch, Kelps.’ The other neighbour said, ‘The experience of growing older is definitely enjoyable...if you share it with friends!’ They both started laughing pretty hard.” We left and went to our room. The next morning I expected to see them there on the porch, but they were not there. The only thing left was some suspicious stains.”
Kayla said, “The creative mind, even when drunk, is quite amazing. Maybe when I am published, I will be like that.” My uncle Melville said, “I hope not. I would prefer you to be like uncle Karl.” My aunt Winnie said, “You’re already a much better writer than than our upstairs neighbour.” Kayla said, “You two are so sweet. Well you have given me some great stories. Howard and Marjee. Could I write about your romance?” I said, “If you find a gay guy and his straight fellow worker at a hair salon interesting, then go ahead.” Kayla said, “You two. You talk a good game, but you are obviously madly in love with each other.” Marjee said, “You have a good imagination Kayla.” Kayla said, “Thanks.”
Well, it’s late. I think Marjee and I are going to head back to Milborough now. I will post to you later.
Howard K.
At 10:10 PM,
April Patterson said…
wow, thoze r freekee-deekie storiez, howard! my bro is totally mental!
apes
At 10:51 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, aftah church 2day, dirne wuz ovah @my house going thru my closet & puttin’ labels on my clothes that sed, things like, “wear wen paintin’,” “nevah wear,” “say penance 4 wearin’”, “goes 2 goodwill”, “casual d8 only” & that kinda thing. my mom knocked on the door 2 my room & sed, “u2 aren’t goin’ 2 2nd base ru?” dirne sed, “no. mrs. jones.” my mom sed, “good. there iz sum1 here 2c jeremy.” dirne stayed n my room 2 keep goin’ thru my clothez & i went out & there wuz eva. she looked awful, like she had been cryin’ a long tyme. i sed, “wut happed?” eva sed, “duncan & zandra r officially gf/bf now. it’s not rite. i wuz suppozed 2b hiz gf. i gave him my special smile. i wore sumthin’ lowcut. wut did i do wrong?” i sed, “u didn’t do nething wrong.” eva sed, “shud i have kissed him?” i sed, “he nevah evn asked u out. all he did wuz stare @ur breasts. lots of guyz do that. evn i do that.” eva sed, “mebbe i shud’ve asked him out. sum guys like it wen girlz do that.” i sed, “this is 1 of thoze convos where u want me 2 lissen & not offer suggestionz, rite?” eva sed, “thass rite. don’t b a guy, b a girl.” i sed, “all rite. i think duncan iz an idiot 4 not askin’ u out.” eva sed, “thass bettah.” i sed, “do u want some ice cream or chocolate or both?” eva sed, “thass evn bettah.”
so i wuz pouring chocolate syrup all ovah sum ice cream wen dirne came n2 the kitch. dirne sed, “can i have sum 2?” i sed, “sure, aftah i make this 4 eva.” dirne sed, “eva. wut r u doin’ here?” eva sed, “duncan & zandra r officially gf/bf now. jeremy iz makin’ me sum comfort food.” dirne sed, “but of course. he iz such a good guy. he makes a gr8 bf. don’t u think, eva?” eva sed, “jeremy iz a gr8 guy, but he’z not my type.” dirne sed, “i am so glad u realize that. so where did u hear ‘bout duncan & zandra?” eva sed, “april’s real blog. duncan announced it 2 april.” dirne sed, “april, again. y do peeps tell her everythin’? she duzn’t evn wear designer.” eva sed, “thass enuff w/the chocolate, jeremy.” so i made anothah one 4 dirne & she kinda took ovah w/eva.
dirne sed, “now eva. the real question iz: do u wanna break up duncan & zandra & take duncan 4 ur own?” eva sed, “u can do that?” dirne sed, “there r many wayz. a good gf knowz wen her territory iz b-ing nvaded. the same principlez that apply 2 gettin’ rid of sum1 tryin’ 2 steal ur bf can b applied 2 gettin’ rid of a boy’s gf.” eva sed, “like wut?” dirne sed, “the most essential element iz 2 convince the boy that the othah girl haz nothin’ 2 offer & ur a much smarter choice.” eva sed, “i’m listenin’.” dirne sed, “i have noticed zandra haz a v. poor fashion sense. she haz gr8 figger, but duz not show it off. u cud defeat zandra by upgradin’ ur wardrobe.” eva sed, “ru sure?” dirne sed, “but of course. w/my bf b4 jeremy, i successfully defended myself by simply accessorizing properly. i defeated no less than 17 girlz who were aftah him.” eva sed, “so y aren’t u w/him now?” dirne sed, “we moved 2 mboro which didn’t help & i am ashamed 2 admit, i was defeated by a girl who played the fame card.” eva sed, “the fame card? wut’s that?” dirne sed, “if 2 girlz r equally matched n appearance & clothin’, the ‘fame card’ sez u know sum1 who can get u sumthin’ no1 else can.” eva sed, “so this othah girl played the fame card on ur bf?” dirne sed, “yes. she got him n2 an xxclusive leafs nation private party.” eva sed, “i don’t think i can get duncan by the way i dress.” dirne sed, “it iz ur choice, eva. i just h8 2c a friend of jeremy’s hurtin’ wen there iz sumthin’ i can do 2 help. don’t u agree, jeremy?” i sed, “i don’t like 2c eva hurtin’ either.” eva sed, “well, i’ll think ‘bout it. thanx 4 the ice cream.” then eva left.
dirne sed, “it’s a gud thing i wuz here, jeremy. eva wuz lookin’ 4 a rebound guy.” i sed, “sum who playz basketball?” dirne sed, “no, jeremy. a rebound guy iz the 1u go 2 wen the guy u rilly want haz hurt u w/anothah girl.” i sed, “i think ur readin’ 2 much n2 it. i told u eva & i got pretty close n march wen she wuz invisible 2 every1 but me.” dirne sed, “but of course ur rite, my bf. wut wuz i thinkin’? eva iz not innerested n u. ur such a gud bf. u alwayz think the best of peeps. ru innerested n sum 2nd base?” i sed, “thass a question u nevah hafta ask.” dirne sed, "but of course."
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