My accidental slapstick!
I was just fulla bad ideaz this morning. 1st, I put on an awful yellow croptop w/a floral pattern & a pair of blue-an'-black striped gaucho pants w/a yellow tie-on belt. I shd never get dressed in the dark. B4 coffee. Then, I brot the dogz out & put on my rollerbladez. I thot it wd B fun 2 let the dogz B, like, sled dogz. Which worked pretty well until they ran on either side of a fire hydrant, causing me2 collide w/the hydrant, lose my grip on the leashes, & land on my arse, which was being esp. wide this morning. I h8 wide-arse dayz! So there, I was, legz up in the air, big droplets of water shooting outta my head, my mouth wide open while I screamed out, "
" Then, when I got up, I thot, "Dogz ...they do the DUMBEST thingz!!!" & while the dogz looked on w/st00pid xpressions on their faces, esp. ratdog Dixie, w/that ugly notsheltie mug of herz, I realized that I'd sumhow gotten 2 black eyez! Weird! Then, Jeremy & Dirne walked over 2 me, an' Jeremy was, all, "April! R U OK? U have 2 black eyez!" And Dirne whispered sumthing in2 Jeremy's ear, & Jeremy was, like, "No fashion advice unless she asks, remember?" And I sed, "Yeah, Dirne, I know, got dressed in the dark. I'm gonna go change & then burn theze." Dirne was, like, "But of course! Jeremy, let's go along so we can supervise the disposal of those unfortunate clothes."
So, we all went back 2 my house where I changed my clothes, choosing 1 of the cute outfits Dirne helped me put 2gether during our shopping @ Luxurion yesterday. Dad tried 2 tell more of his Gordo-Anthony story, but Dirne sed, "I'm sorry, Dr. Patterson, but I must officiate over the disposal of sum fashion-don't clothing items." Dad was, like, "Oh, OK, another time, then." So we burned the clothes over @ Dirne'z house. Now we're @ Horny T's & I can C Dunc just walked in.
L8r,
Apes
" Then, when I got up, I thot, "Dogz ...they do the DUMBEST thingz!!!" & while the dogz looked on w/st00pid xpressions on their faces, esp. ratdog Dixie, w/that ugly notsheltie mug of herz, I realized that I'd sumhow gotten 2 black eyez! Weird! Then, Jeremy & Dirne walked over 2 me, an' Jeremy was, all, "April! R U OK? U have 2 black eyez!" And Dirne whispered sumthing in2 Jeremy's ear, & Jeremy was, like, "No fashion advice unless she asks, remember?" And I sed, "Yeah, Dirne, I know, got dressed in the dark. I'm gonna go change & then burn theze." Dirne was, like, "But of course! Jeremy, let's go along so we can supervise the disposal of those unfortunate clothes."So, we all went back 2 my house where I changed my clothes, choosing 1 of the cute outfits Dirne helped me put 2gether during our shopping @ Luxurion yesterday. Dad tried 2 tell more of his Gordo-Anthony story, but Dirne sed, "I'm sorry, Dr. Patterson, but I must officiate over the disposal of sum fashion-don't clothing items." Dad was, like, "Oh, OK, another time, then." So we burned the clothes over @ Dirne'z house. Now we're @ Horny T's & I can C Dunc just walked in.
L8r,
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 8:43 AM
16 Comments:
At 9:02 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, glad u agreed 2 burn thoze clothez. dirne duzn't normally have an environmentally safe burn barrel n her home, but since she haz been d8in' me she sed it wuz necessary, since she iz alwayz findin' some part of my wardrobe that needz burnin'. i wuz kinda surprized ur dad wuz more innerested n tellin' hiz storiez than lookin' @ur eyez, but he iz a teeth doc & prolly 2 specialized. it's a good thing they were able 2 make up an ice pack 4u @horny tim's.
At 9:13 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings this morning about your dogs and your skates. I hope you are all right and seek proper medical care. Among my people, traditional oral history indicates that the early Ojibway used sled dogs and sleds in winter, instead of the snow machines we use today. I think the main thing you were missing in your adventure was the sled. However, I am impressed with your dogs. They are very well trained if your dog-powered ride worked even for a short period of time on skates. Most sled dogs have to be harnessed together in order to make sure they go in the same direction for travel.
The part of your story that is not something my people would do is burn good clothes. Maybe next time you could suggest to your fashion conscious friend that it is all right for the poor and underprivileged to wear ugly clothes, instead of burning them.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 9:32 AM,
Anonymous said…
Hello, Paul, April's sister's good friend, I am sorry, but I think it is cruel and heartless to inflict bad fashion upon the poor and unfortunate! I am shocked that a police officer such as yourself would suggest such a thing. I am going to ask Jeremy to get me another double-double now, as this very thought distresses me so!
Dirne
At 10:03 AM,
Anonymous said…
constable wright, dirne iz a little 2 upset 2 tell u this, but her family don8s tons of new & used designer clothez 2 the poor thru their church the cathedral of st. damian in mboro. burnin' fashion don'ts iz like a mission 2 beautify the world 4 dirne.
At 10:06 AM,
Anonymous said…
Dirne,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings and I am sorry to upset you. Things are very different in Otter County than they are in Milborough. In Otter County, almost no one wears designer clothes, so the poor do not have the luxury to make this choice as they apparently do in Milborough.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 10:07 AM,
Anonymous said…
constable wright, dirne read ur last post & she sez she iz gonna talk 2 her famly 'bout makin' a clothin' donation 2 the poor peeps n otter county. the idea of a whole county not wearin' designer iz v.v. upsettin' 2 her.
At 10:09 AM,
Anonymous said…
Jeremy,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings. Your girlfriend is very generous. Please tell her for me, the poor people in Otter County would be very glad to receive any donation her family would give.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 12:05 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes!
I hope u wont b mad @ me I called my mom & asked her 2 come ovah 2 make sure ur ok. Im worried abt u. U rnt even feeling the cold 2day its like 6 degrees, dood.
L8r.
At 1:32 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Oh, man, Apes must b rilly pissed w/ me. My mom brot Mrs P w/ her 2 Horny Ts & Mrs P had a winter jacket 4 Apes. Then Mrs P saw Apes new clothes & freaked. She took her home & made her change. Now there back & there in the womens bathroom w/ my mom discussing Apes privates, I think.
Sorry, Apes. If it makes u feel NE better my mom yelled @ me while u were gone 'cos I didnt get home til 3 am last nite. I thot she didnt notice but I was rong. She even threatened 2 pull my bail if I blow off my curfew again.
L8r. Zeds here.
At 1:48 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, dunc, my mom is so lame! i'm not mad @ u, cuz u were just worried, but my mom is such a freak. 1st, when we got back home, she started yellin' @ my dad, cuz not only did he not do nething abt the black eyez, but he also didn't say nething 2 mom abt them. he was all, "elly, i thot this was just sum more of that teenage goth makeup all the girlz seem 2 b wearing these days." then she made me change into maroon slacks and a mustard-coloured pullover. so lame! & when we got back 2 horny t's she dragged me 2 the bathroom & asked me all theze questionz abt stuff we covered in hygiene class during middle school. it was so random & bizarre i hardly knew what 2 say!
after we left the washroom, mom sed i cd sit w/dunc & the "sullen girl" 4 a while, but i had 2 promise 2 b home by 3. freak, freak, freak. dirne cried when she saw what my mom made me chage in2.
apes
At 5:37 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes!
Im glad ur not mad @ me. Zed & I r going 2 the Vatikan 2nite. We r leaving @ 6:30 pm u can come w/ us if yr mom will let u outta the house again.
So what was w/ the freaky qs? Does yr mom think u hit a home run w/ the fire hydrant?
L8r.
At 8:26 PM,
April Patterson said…
i m @ the vatikan w/dunc, zed, & ger. like i was telling dunc, i don't know y my mom was asking me thoze questionz. when i tried 2 find out, she was, like, "u know y". & she clammed up.
becks, i was trying 2 call u all day, but, like 4 the longest time i was getting sum weird "unavailable" mssg. then, like, an hour ago? i got yr dad, answering yr cell. he was, like, "adalbjorg ellysdottir. i knew that if my becky-thora had access 2 this fone, u & she wd b as lucy and ethel, cooking up a scheme, like in that gr8 icelandic saga i luv lucy. i was, like, "that wasn't an icelandic saga, it was a u.s. sitcom in the 1950s." & he sed, "well, nothing's perfect!" then he told me that as part of the xchange, rosemary wd b using yr fone. & when i tried 2 get in tuch w/u @ gordo's, gordo wdn't let me talk 2 u 4 sum reason. neway, i've been trying 2 find out if u r ok! this whole thing is so freekee! but i'm glad @ least it's not going 2 b 4 long.
apes
At 8:45 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Dear April Patterson,
You must be a real loser if you are out with my stupid sister.
Tell your friend Duncan that he's not a very good hacker. He missed my keystroke logger. If he wants all of his new e-mail addresses and passwords, he has to meet me at Tim Hortons at 8:00 am tomorrow morning. He owes me $25 for my time and technical expertise and $25 for a victim surcharge fine.
Yours truly,
Charles Wallace Larson
At 8:55 PM,
April Patterson said…
oh, i guess u r the little brother zandra was trying 2 "donate" 2 me 2day. i think i'll stick w/dogz & rabbits.
apes
At 9:17 PM,
Anonymous said…
Becky has a cool phone. I like this phone! Remember, hands off the Bratz dolls!
Rosie
At 11:17 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Im glad ur ok. i'm shur Edgar and Dixie didnt meen to run u into the fire hydrant. Paul is rite, being a sled dog is a lot hardur than it looks. I wonce tryed to play sled dog with Bucky. We put the end of the leash on Robs old skatebord and Bucky sat on it wile i pulled him on the sidewok. But we hit a bump and Bucky went flying off and landed in the naybors flowerbed. Ackshully it was kind of funny, but dont tell him.
Satchul
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