Dad an' Anthony R made 4 ea other!
Ah, Saturday! No school, still got another day of weekend after this one. Love Saturday!
So, this morning when I came downstairz 4 brekkie, Connie Poirier & my mom were sitting @ the kitchen table w/a buncha pix spread out. Mom was all stressing over an assignment she has online 4 that writing class she an' Connie R both taking. They hafta describe a photo that brings back sum kinda memory & tell abt the memory. Mom was all, "What abt this one w/baby April hanging from Farley's ears? Or Lizzie standing in the toilet? Or Mike stealing a cherry from a cake? Or, or, or--" And Connie was all, "Elly, relax! Just pick one, it's not that big a deal!" Then Dad strolled in2 the room, all, "Ladies! I think it's delightful that you've got this little class of yours to help keep you occupied, but really I don't see Y U think U need a college course 2 learn about storytelling! Stick with me, I know how to tell a story!" He poured himself a cup of coffee, sat down, and wouldn't U know it, but he told the whole friggin' story I've been sharing w/U all, abt Gordo, the Bushwhacker trade, & Anthony, plus a bit more. Rescue me, yo!
So, after he got 2 the part abt Anthony getting the rum-flavoured javalava, Dad told Mom & Connie that he commented 2 Anthony, "This isn't a coffee shop NEmore, Anthony. It's B-come a very nice restaurant." Which seemz like a v. odd thing 2 say, don't U think? And it's not even 25% as nice as it was when Howard was the chef there. But I guess Tracey's dropped the whole "German" theme & made it in2 more standard diner fare. Dad sed that Anthony started 2 go on abt "When they developed the land across the street, bizness went up over 100%." Hm, 4 the car salez, the garage, the restaurant, the convenience store, or the (fill in the blank w/whatev other biz the Gordo empire has we don't know abt yet)? Or a mix? Then, Anthony was, all, "We don't want 2 xpand 2 far 2 fast--but Gordon has a lot of planz!" And Dad told him, "Ahhh...the sweet smell of success!" And Anthony showed how he & Dad R totally meant 4 each other, taking sumthing figurative an' getting all literal: "Nope! --it's cinnamon bunz! Do U want 1?" My Mom was all grinning, going "I've alwayz like Anthony, John! He's always reminded me of U!" And Dad was totally, "Y thank U, Elly, he'z a fine yung man!" And I was getting the espresso machine going, saying, "If he's yung, Y does he look as old as the hillz?" And Connie was, like, "Milborough." Mom was, like, "April, I don't know what U have against Anthony. I mean, Gerald sort of reminds me of Anthony!" And I was like, "Girl, please! Gerald reminds U of Anthony?" Dad was all, "Ladies, ladies! I haven't even gotten 2 the best part of the story!" Connie & I xchanged these panicky looks like "God, R we trapped?" Then, Connie was all, "April! No, U don't wanna put ordinary Horny T's coffee in that espresso machine! U come over next door, I've got some of the good stuff! Plus, I need your help with sumthing! Sorry, John, Elly, I need 2 borrow yr teenager!" And Dad was all, "Well, don't hurry!" And Mom laffed w/her tung hangin' out. So, I'm typing this on Connie's computer, drinking a delish trip-shot of espresso. Connie'z pretty cube.
So, last nite Paul got in2 a bit of a posting argument w/the anonymous poster who'd left the suggestion abt me hitting on Anthony as a joke. Paul, I don't think it's creepy that U read my blog & post 2 it often. I like yr posts. Anon, I don't think I'm gonna pretend-hit on Anthony cuz I'd have 2 hard a time disguising how much he givez me the heebee-jeebeez.
Howard, Marjee, Ger & I had fun hangin' w/U 2 @ the Dbl-D pizza place. Thanx 4 tellin' us abt that movie. Ger'z, like, "Nah, 2 much of a chick flick", even tho he thinx Jen Aniston is hott.
Apes
So, this morning when I came downstairz 4 brekkie, Connie Poirier & my mom were sitting @ the kitchen table w/a buncha pix spread out. Mom was all stressing over an assignment she has online 4 that writing class she an' Connie R both taking. They hafta describe a photo that brings back sum kinda memory & tell abt the memory. Mom was all, "What abt this one w/baby April hanging from Farley's ears? Or Lizzie standing in the toilet? Or Mike stealing a cherry from a cake? Or, or, or--" And Connie was all, "Elly, relax! Just pick one, it's not that big a deal!" Then Dad strolled in2 the room, all, "Ladies! I think it's delightful that you've got this little class of yours to help keep you occupied, but really I don't see Y U think U need a college course 2 learn about storytelling! Stick with me, I know how to tell a story!" He poured himself a cup of coffee, sat down, and wouldn't U know it, but he told the whole friggin' story I've been sharing w/U all, abt Gordo, the Bushwhacker trade, & Anthony, plus a bit more. Rescue me, yo!
So, after he got 2 the part abt Anthony getting the rum-flavoured javalava, Dad told Mom & Connie that he commented 2 Anthony, "This isn't a coffee shop NEmore, Anthony. It's B-come a very nice restaurant." Which seemz like a v. odd thing 2 say, don't U think? And it's not even 25% as nice as it was when Howard was the chef there. But I guess Tracey's dropped the whole "German" theme & made it in2 more standard diner fare. Dad sed that Anthony started 2 go on abt "When they developed the land across the street, bizness went up over 100%." Hm, 4 the car salez, the garage, the restaurant, the convenience store, or the (fill in the blank w/whatev other biz the Gordo empire has we don't know abt yet)? Or a mix? Then, Anthony was, all, "We don't want 2 xpand 2 far 2 fast--but Gordon has a lot of planz!" And Dad told him, "Ahhh...the sweet smell of success!" And Anthony showed how he & Dad R totally meant 4 each other, taking sumthing figurative an' getting all literal: "Nope! --it's cinnamon bunz! Do U want 1?" My Mom was all grinning, going "I've alwayz like Anthony, John! He's always reminded me of U!" And Dad was totally, "Y thank U, Elly, he'z a fine yung man!" And I was getting the espresso machine going, saying, "If he's yung, Y does he look as old as the hillz?" And Connie was, like, "Milborough." Mom was, like, "April, I don't know what U have against Anthony. I mean, Gerald sort of reminds me of Anthony!" And I was like, "Girl, please! Gerald reminds U of Anthony?" Dad was all, "Ladies, ladies! I haven't even gotten 2 the best part of the story!" Connie & I xchanged these panicky looks like "God, R we trapped?" Then, Connie was all, "April! No, U don't wanna put ordinary Horny T's coffee in that espresso machine! U come over next door, I've got some of the good stuff! Plus, I need your help with sumthing! Sorry, John, Elly, I need 2 borrow yr teenager!" And Dad was all, "Well, don't hurry!" And Mom laffed w/her tung hangin' out. So, I'm typing this on Connie's computer, drinking a delish trip-shot of espresso. Connie'z pretty cube.
So, last nite Paul got in2 a bit of a posting argument w/the anonymous poster who'd left the suggestion abt me hitting on Anthony as a joke. Paul, I don't think it's creepy that U read my blog & post 2 it often. I like yr posts. Anon, I don't think I'm gonna pretend-hit on Anthony cuz I'd have 2 hard a time disguising how much he givez me the heebee-jeebeez.
Howard, Marjee, Ger & I had fun hangin' w/U 2 @ the Dbl-D pizza place. Thanx 4 tellin' us abt that movie. Ger'z, like, "Nah, 2 much of a chick flick", even tho he thinx Jen Aniston is hott.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 8:08 AM
16 Comments:
At 9:22 AM,
April Patterson said…
hi, viola! i'm glad u like my blog. u have sum v. cool greenday pix posted! :)
apes
At 10:13 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings this morning about your noos (father) telling his story to your mother and your neighbour. An aadizookewinini (storyteller) is an important part of the Ojibway life. I can tell it is important to you too, since are able to repeat your noos (father’s) story in such detail. As important as an aadizookewinini (storyteller) is, it is more important to have an attentive listener. You honour your noos (father) with your listening and writing his stories.
It sounds like my sweet girl’s ex-boyfriend and now married-with-children man is doing well in business. I envy his ability to make a pun with your noos (father). Your sister has told me that learning to pun is a very important part of getting along with her noos (father). I am working to learn this skill, but it does not come naturally to me. As you would guess, there is no Ojibway word for pun. My people’s humour is very different and usually involves poking fun at people. Since I am in love with your sister, I am trying to adapt.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 10:56 AM,
howard said…
April,
Gerald thinks Jennifer Aniston looks hott? Honestly, she is the worst dresser and she is so old. I would have figured Gerald as a Mandy Moore kind of guy. She usually dresses better and she is closer to his age. But this is all beside the point. I really enjoyed having dinner with you and Gerald last night.
I am so pleased to read that your father is crediting the transformation of the Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant to Anthony. As for Tracey Mayes dropping the whole “German” theme. Well, the last time she came into Sugar’s salon for a shamp-Oh, she was up-in-arms about that. I remember it just like it was yesterday.
Tracey came into the salon obviously upset. She said, “I need a shamp-Oh, Howard.” She had the look of desperation that I usually do not like to see in a woman. I said, “What’s up?” She said, “Anthony Caine. Gordon put him in charge of the restaurant.” I said, “What? How can he do that?” Tracey said, “It’s a coup d’etat, Howard. After all that time that I invested, with you and my Austrian theme to build the place up, now it has been turned back into a greasy spoon. It is filthy, with stains left on the tables. And the staff--they are kind of scary looking. They look like the thumb-thumbs from my kids’ Spy Kids videos except with bigger breasts.” I said, “I am sure you are exaggerating.” Tracey said, “Not by much. I know when we talked before, I blamed the restaurant’s poor performance on the opening of the Valhalla, but I was just trying to be nice. I really think it is Anthony and the staff. Gordon doesn’t even mention the restaurant anymore when he talks about the business.”
I said, “That’s awful. How did this happen?” Tracey said, “I took a vacation with the kids over March break, like most normal and loving parents do. I wanted Gordon to come, but he said he was too busy with the business to leave. Then when I got back everything had changed.” I said, “What did you do?” Tracey said, “I said to Gordon, ‘Where’s your lederhosen?’ And he responded, ‘I’m not selling German food. I’m selling relationships.’ No one else would listen to me. When I ask about the balsa wood sailboat that suddenly appeared in Gordon’s office, they are always very quiet. They pretend to be entranced by the new coffee self-service.” I said, “I know quite a few gays who love the queenbean.”
Tracey said, “Well, then. Anthony is running the restaurant and making these outrageous claims that a restaurant’s business can be increased 100% by adding a car dealership across the road. Everyone knows that car dealerships do not attract the repeat business a restaurant needs. It’s the food and the service and well-placed advertising. Self-service coffee and cinnamon buns are not going to do it.” I agreed. Tracey went on, “I can remember the days when I worked at the garage most afternoons, doing the bookkeeping with Anthony, because he needed so much help. He was humbler then, because he knew he was so incompetent he needed the help of someone without university education to complete his job. Now, Anthony is all about giving credit to Gordon for everything.” I said, “What are you going to do?” Tracey said, “I have my plans, Howard. The boys will not get away with this. And yowzah! That’s a great spot, Howard. Umph. Umph. Aaagh! OOOh! Wooo!” I said, “You have such great reactions.” Tracey said, “Thanks, Howard. I really needed that. Now I can go face the world.”
I hope this story helps you understand your father’s story a little better.
Howard
At 11:18 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, last nite w/dirne 2c justin rutledge @the rivoli 2 celebr8 our 3 weeks 2getha did not go az well az xxpected. we went out aftah the concert with justin & hiz band. they wunted 2 go 2 sum diner that had good coffee & cinnamon bunz. not my fave, but dirne wuz xxcited 2 get 2 eat w/real musicianz. she woulda been less xxcited if she woulda known how many tymez rebeccah wuz gonna get mentioned. 1st justin sed 2 dirne, “so rebeccah. u’ve changed ur hair 2 auburn. it’s a good look.” then wen i told them it wuz dirne & not rebeccah, cuz rebeccah works @the valhalla supper club now, there wuz a long convo ‘bout tourin’ vs. havin’ ur own place & how peeps who worked supper clubz were @the end of their careerz & how rebeccah had so much promise & it wuz a shame she wuz spendin’ her tyme @a supper club nsteada touring & how hott rebeccah looks az a blonde & how auburn iz not a good colour 4 her, cuz all the teen girlz have either black hair or blonde & on & on & on ‘bout rebeccah. aftah we left, dirne wuz kinda ticked off. she sed, “jeremy u don’t consider me a step down frum becky do u? i am not wreckin’ ur rep, am i?” i sed, “no. dirne. thoze guyz r rite. takin’ on her father az her manager wuz 1 of the worst thingz rebeccah cud do 4 her career. it duzn’t affect my rep @all. n fact, it makes me look bettah.” dirne sed, “no. jeremy. i am not askin’ ‘bout u. i am askin’ ‘bout me. do u think i am bettah than becky?” i sed, “ur a much, much bettah gf than rebeccah evah wuz. 4 xxample, u actually call me ur bf. rebeccah nevah did that.” dirne sed, “she wudn’t call u her bf? y? wuz she lookin’ 4 sum1 bettah?” i sed, “she wuz alwayz talkin’ ‘bout how i wuz temporary if a grade 11 or 12 guy came along.” dirne sed, “a good gf nevah tellz her bf she iz lookin’ 2 mprove, evn if she iz. becky haz obviously not been properly trained, az i have. the next tyme we go out w/musician friendz, can it b w/peeps who don’t know becky?” i sed, “i don’t think there r ne n this area. wen i wuz managin’ rebeccah, i spread her name around a lot.” dirne sed, “well. ok. then, az a good gf, i will hafta learn 2 bear this burden.” she sed that, but she wuz not n the mood 4 kissin’ or nething else the rest of the nite.
dirne sed she wuz goin’ shoppin’ w/u & shannon & vicki this weekend. i hope she iz n a bettah mood 4u.
At 11:55 AM,
Anonymous said…
April are we still on for shopping this afternoon? If so, we will meet you in front of Luxurion at 1:30.
Dirne
At 11:57 AM,
April Patterson said…
dirne, i m soooo there! c u @ 1:30.
howard, tho i thot the whole austrian theme @ the restaurant was vile, it's totally uncube how gordo an' anth did that coup. v. v. mean.
apes
At 12:03 PM,
howard said…
April,
I completely agree with you about the coup. I would boycott the place in protest, but I haven't been there since I stopped working there, even with their tempting self-service coffee selections.
Howard K.
At 2:57 PM,
howard said…
April,
Becky and I made a killing at the Canadian Opera Company’s prop and costume sale at the Joey and Toby Tanenbaum Opera Centre’s Imperial Oil Opera Theatre. We got costumes from The Handmaid’s Tale, La Traviatta, Cosi fan Tutte. I talked to some of the Canadian Opera Company members who said they needed space because they are mounting the full Ring Cycle next September – all 4 shows. I got so jealous, I could hardly stand it.
We both saw Arne the magician who works the other evening show at the Valhalla, getting some outrageous stage props for his magic act. I don’t know what he can possible do with them. With him was the dwarf he has used in his act and a very sullen-looking teenage girl. Becky said, “It’s Duncan’s current girlfriend. Don’t make eye contact.” Well, of course, Arne spots me putting dresses up to our bodies for size and comes over to chat. He starts in on me, "Thorvald McGuire tells me my audiences are growing for my act. Thorvald said, 'Arne, this isn’t a supper club that exists just to promote my Becky-Thora anymore. It’s become a very nice restaurant.' Then he said, 'Arne. When we developed your magic act with the sawing and stabbing of teenagers, business went up over 100%.' I don’t want to expand too far too fast, but Thorvald has a lot of plans for me." I said, “Congratulations. I’m glad you’re so successful.” Arne said, “It’s the sweet smell of success.” Becky said, “Something stinks, that’s for sure.”
Arne left after that, but the sullen-girl and Becky glared at each other for awhile, until the sullen girl got distracted by something the dwarf was doing and so we took the opportunity to leave. When we were driving back to Milborough, Becky said, “Why do I feel jealous of her, Howard? I’ve got Drew, who is twice the man Duncan was.” I said, “It is the law of romantic possession. Famous judge Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. wrote in his book, The Common Law, one of his most salient psychological concepts -- notion of the unconscious. Holmes developed a model of legal decisionmaking founded on the idea of "unconscious" factors and dedicated to the process of identifying those factors and taking them into account when fashioning legal rules. Instinctual drives such as revenge, possession, sexual satisfaction and self-preservation are unconscious forces which direct individual behavior in hidden, conflicting, and seemingly irrational ways. So consciously, you can accept Duncan is with someone else, but unconsciously you still desire to possess him and it influences your conscious actions and feelings.” Becky said, “Sometimes you say the most boring things.” I said, “I know. I am working on that.”
Howard K.
At 4:18 PM,
April Patterson said…
hey, howard, don't feel bad. i'll bet yr most boring convo topic is more interesting than my dad's usual talk, eh?
paul, meant 2 comment b4. i don't think u shd try 2 change yr sense of humour 2 b more like dad'z (which, tbh, i pretty much h8). esp. since liz has sed she appreciatez yr sense of humour.
apes
At 6:23 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest friendly Becky flower,
Your dad has asked me to join you for that meeting at the Valhalla tonight. I will see you then!
Sincerely, Gerald
At 6:24 PM,
Anonymous said…
April and friends,
I am sorry I have not written in your blog very much lately. I still enjoy reading it. But I am just not feeling like sharing my thoughts or news about my life right now. You know how private I am. I hope you can respect that.
Liz
At 7:03 PM,
April Patterson said…
becks, i m so glad u r feeling better & able 2 post again! i've been worried abt u! i think it's cube that u r so in2 drew! hope yr mtg goez well.
liz, hope u r all right. call if u wanna talk, k?
apes
At 8:01 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, dirne came back frum shoppin’ w/u & shannon lake & vicki simone @the luxurion. her mom & dirne had dropped shannon lake off @her house, which made sense cuz dirne had picked shannon up 2 take her shoppin’.
i sed, “how did it go?” she sed 2 me, “jeremy. it iz difficult 2 shop w/ur friendz.” i sed, “wut happed?” dirne sed, “1st of all. ur friend shannon haz like a ‘gettin’ lost’ disease, i think. i turn my back 4 1 minute & she iz gone. she wanderz. she duz not stick w/the group. she went n2 the changin’ room & i swear we were outside the room w8in’ 4 her 2 come out. but of course, aftah awhile we go n aftah her & she iz gone. i dunno how she got past us. it wuz like a magick act—the mysterious disappearin’ shannon. we were lucky 2 get her nething. but jeremy. oh, it wuz so worth it. shannon duz gratitude like nobody else. big hugz & tearz & the look on her face wen she showed wut she bot 2 her mom wuz priceless. it wuz worth every headache of takin’ her.” i sed, “shannon iz rilly gud @thankin’ peeps.” dirne sed, “u got that rite.”
i sed, “so shoppin’ 4 april & vicki musta been ez compared 2 shannon?” dirne sed, “yes & no. i don’t mean 2 speak bad ‘bout ur friend april, but it iz tuff 2 shop w/her. we wud find her a cute outfit & she wud look gr8 n it, but then she wud say sumthin’ like ‘my mom wud make me wear tites w/this.’ or ‘my dad wud make me covah this up w/a coat.’ she may know ‘bout her mom & dad, but it wuz rilly tuff 2 find sumthin’ that looked good on her & she thot her mom & dad wud let her wear w/o sum kinda majour alteration. she tested my shoppin’ skillz 2 the limit. if ne1 needz a pro shopper, she duz & not that awful forsythe lady that kept followin’ us around. i almost lost it w/her. we had april n the cutest outfit & she wuz ‘bout 2 buy it wen that forsythe lady sed, ‘gerald wudn’t b caught dead on a d8 w/a girl wearin’ that.’ but of course, april refused 2 buy it then. i hadda nvoke my executive shoppin’ privilege 2 get her off our back.” i sed, “executive shoppin’ privilege? wut’s that?” dirne sed, “c this card w/this id? wen u shop az much az my famly duz, the storez give u a special recognition that sez u get special treatment, no mattah where u go. it’s universally recognized. so like, if a saleswoman iz hassling u, u can flash the card & u get management attention. so, i hadda flash the card on that forsythe lady. u shoulda seen her jaw drop wen i did that.” i sed, “so then wut happed?” dirne sed, “well, she kinda squeaked wen she saw it. she sed sumthin’ like, ‘teenagerz shudn’t have that card. i don’t evn have that card.’ the best part wuz april wuz rilly smiley aftah that, like she hadda histry w/the woman & it wuzn’t a good histry. but of course, she left us alone & we got april sum outfits that met all her parent’s bizarre criteria. i know it’s not good 2 say u feel sorry 4 ur bf’s friendz, but ur friend’s ‘rents r way harsh 2 her wen it comez 2 fash.”
i sed, “thanx 4 b-ing nice 2 april & shannon. wut ‘bout vicki?” dirne sed, “vicki is fun. rilly fun. she iz so funny & not the pun kinda humour. ur friend april sumtymez sez theze awful punz & then she gets rilly mbarrassed aftah she sez them, like she didn’t wanna say them, but did neway. well, no mattah how bad they were, vicki wud laff @them & then she wud make sum kinda joke that wud riff off wut april sed. april didn’t feel az bad ‘bout the punz aftah that & thass gud. i can’t say enuff good thingz ‘bout vicks. she nevah got tired & she wud try on nething, evn wen i got a little xxperimental w/fash 4 her great skin tonez. she cud b a model if she wunted. she just looks gud n clothez. but of course, she’z a little sensitive ‘bout the money. there wuz a gr8 outfit i thot wud b perfect 4 her & i offered 2 get it 4 her, but she sed ‘no’ cuz it wuz outa her price range. she’z got her pride & of course thass gr8. i think if there’z nething a girl shud have it’s pride. thass wut fashion iz all about.” i sed, “so u got vicki sum good outfits?” dirne sed, “sum gr8 1s. if gordie sees her n these, he’ll prolly get outa his hospital bed & go aftah her.”
i sed, “so it soundz like a good shoppin’ trip.” dirne sed, “we made a lotta progress. b4 i am done w/ur friendz, jeremy jonez, they r gonna b the best dressed kidz outside of skool. but it iz not gonna b ez.” i sed, “ur a gr8 gf. thanx 4 b-ing so nice 2 my friendz.” dirne sed, “i alwayz feel gud aftah shoppin’. ru reddy 4 the bennies?” i sed, “but of course.” so we kissed a lot till her dad sed, “dirne. 3 weeks 2gethah only allowz 4 30 minutez of kissin’ & 10 minutez of 2nd base. it’s tyme 4 jeremy 2 go home.” so, i did.
lemme say 2 u, april. thanx 4 shoppin’ w/dirne. it meanz a lot 2 me that u wud accept her, wen ur bff iz rebeccah. i hope she wuzn’t 2 harsh w/u ‘bout thoze thingz ur mom & dad wudn’t like. i know it’s not nething u can control, wen it comes 2 ur ‘rents.
At 8:32 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, dirne was v. cube & not 2 harsh, just kinda frustrated. she helped me put 2gether sum v. cute outfits. it totally rocked when she pulled out that special card & mrs. f hadta scurry off. that rocked. it was a fun afternoon!
apes
p.s. thoze punz i made were totally mbarassing, but like dirne sed, vicks helped make me feel better.
At 11:08 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes!
Im ovah @ Zeds Ive cracked in2 CW (aka Bratto2)'s 'puter hes rilly a foob his pws the 1st I guessed mlengel1 4 NE1 who wants in2 a bratto acct.
Not a bad nite. Buffalos winning an' Montreals winning. Now that the Leafs r out I rilly dont care who wins the Cup as long as its not the Sens I h8 the Sens worse than I h8 Bratto Malkmus or Bratto2 Larson.
OK, got 2 go. Zeds outta the shower y she didnt want 2 w8 4 a shower til 2morrow is byond me.
L8r.
At 12:03 AM,
howard said…
Becky,
Not to be a spoil sport on that lovely symbolic fostering Thorvald suggested and the Mayes agreed to under duress, but your dad doesn't have custody of you. Did he clear it with your mom? Also, no offence to your dad and Thora, but Rosemary is 6 years old and she needs someone who knows how to be a parent.
Howard K.
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