April's Real Blog: I thought *I* was his baby!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

I thought I was his baby!

Dad wanted 2 tell me more abt his fascinating visit w/Gordo 2 do the car-trade we all thot he'd dun already. Since, like, he already told Mike that Gordon was giving him a deal on a 'vASSe sedan. This convo happed @ Gramp's b-day celebration last month. NEway, don't feel bad if U're all "the heck", cuz I so am, 2. Or @ least I was till Howard posted yesterday abt sumthing my Mom told him when she went 2 the salon. It sumhow is connected 2 Mom calling up "she who must not be named" up in Corbeil and getting her 2 unerase Josh the geek god. Who, by the way, is in total geek heaven d8ing Avery, the skinny, blonde wanna-B A-girl. So, like, Mom told Howard, "when someone who was erased a long time ago is unerased, it means a lot of things change." It seemz there R, like, major shifts in the space-time continuum, & thingz that have happed haven't, & certain thingz that haven't happed sumhow did. Like @ 1 time, Connie had been married 2 Lawrence's dad. But after L's dad was unerased, he'd never married Connie, just, like, knocked her up in Brazil. & Milborough usta B called Eastgate, but unerasing L's dad made the town's name change! When theze unerasing-related changez happ, it totally messes w/my Mom'z brain, cuz she can remember both versions of our reality. She sez that's the real reason she messed up on Miranda Anderson's (Dunc's mom) name & Nigel Anderson's (Dunc's dad) profession.

NEway, back 2 Dad & Gordo. Dad told me that when he sed he wanted 2 trade in the st00pid ol' Bushwhacker, Gordo got a big "shock" face & was all, "U're trading in the Bushwhacker? --But...she's yr BABY!" & Dad sed he sighed. I was, like, "'Pop', I thot I was yr baby!" & he was like, "Yeah, yeah, figure of speech!" & I was, like, "OK, but don't try 2 trade me in, eh?" He laffed w/his tung out, & I hadta wipe my face w/a paper towl cuz of the spittle. Ick. So Gordo told Dad abt giving him a "good deal" on a Flashpoint BRP 500 and a "nice little crevasse" [sportscar] on the lot. Dad was all, "I shd go 4 sumthing more practical." And Gordo was all about how Dad's a "sports car guy" & that he luvs the "look the the ride--the feel of a sports car!!" Yeah, whatevz, Gordo. And Dad sed he "should" get sum kinda wagon. Gordo wanted 2 know Y, since Mom has one already, & Dad told him that Mom won't let Dad use her 'vASSe 2 haul junk. & Gordo was all, "Oh."

And by now U've prolly fallen asleep fr boredom. Dad was gonna go on, but there was this big racket outside, a car going "HONK-HONK-HONK! HONK-HONK-HONK!" I looked outside & saw Dunc waving fr. the backseat of a car, w/sum guy I didn't recognize sitting in front & honking. I didn't know what that was all abt, but since I wanted 2 get away from the most boring story of the year (so far), I pretended I did, all, "Gotta go, 'Pop', that's my ride", & grabbing my guitar & bookbag. Dad was, like, "April! Isn't it awfully early?" & I was, like, "Yeah, we have drama-club bizness!" & I motored outta there s00per-fast.

It turnz out the guy driving was Zandra's Uncle Arne. Zed's little brother was in front. He sed, "My turn 2 ride shotgun!" even B4 NE1 xplained 2 me what was up. Dunc was in the back w/Zandra, all, "Apes, get in, no time 2 xplain!" & I hadta squeeze in2 the backseat w/Zandra, Dunc, & my guitar. Now we R actually @ the Valhalla, where Arne has been showing us his ~~magic tricks~~ illusions. He sed he needed 2 watch sum teenage B-haviour while practicing 2 get sum more ideaz 4 the anti-teen portion of his act. When we're dun, he'z gonna take us all 2 school. Zandra just keeps shaking her hed & saying "H8. H8, h8, h8." & I was, all, "My fam'z freekee, 2, so don't feel 2 bad!"

Apes

18 Comments:

At 8:53 AM, duncan anderson said…

Oh, man, Apes, u r lucky that Arne dropped u an' Zed off @ skool b4 he took me home 2 change my pants. He told me hed b back 4 me in 5 min now its bn more than 20 min an' I dont c Arnes Tbird NEwhere. Im going 2 b l8 4 skool.

L8r, I hope.
At 8:58 AM, duncan anderson said…

Oh, man, those pants reek an' I dunno if its ok 2 put them in the washer. I dunno where Arne is. Im going 2 hafta blow my allowance on a cab.

L8r.
At 9:06 AM, duncan anderson said…

Arne an' his st00pid Tbird showed up rite when the cab did. Arne went 2 IKEA 4 brekkie. What a foob.

L8r.
At 9:08 AM, April Patterson said…

d00d, i cdn't believe it when arne splashed the fake blood all over yr pants like that. esp. after zed made him promise he wdn't disfigure or soil ne of us.

ger? jeremy? ne1 have an xtra pair of *clean* uni pants dunc can borrow?

apes
At 9:10 AM, April Patterson said…

ikea 4 brekkie, eh? did he eat sum fira shelves?

apes
At 9:37 AM, Anonymous said…

april, i just red ur blog ntry & omfg. omfg. omfg. i am watchin’ out 4 flashpoint brp 500 & ne kinda crevasse out there now. u wud not b-live how many crevasses there r n this town. i woulda nevah noticed it, till i started lookin’ 4 it. every tyme i turn ‘round, there’s a crevasse. i don’t wanna look oldah. i don’t wanna look oldah. i don’t wanna look oldah.

‘bout duncan. he’z a little taller than i am, but i do have xxtra uni pants, b-lieve it or not. due 2 the hi # of swirliez given @our skool, dirne sez a guy hazta have @least 2 pair of clean pressed unis @skool @all tymez.

‘bout ikea. they have restaurants. i guess u know that & ur tryin’ 2b funny. all i gotta say ‘bout that is, congratulations 4 sayin’ sumthin’ funny that izn’t a pun. i know u have been workin’ @it 4 awhile. keep it up.
At 9:43 AM, howard said…

April,

That was an interesting story about your dad. I had a Flashpoint BRP 30 once. It had a pretty nice look, feel and ride to it. Unfortunately, it ignited into flames when the outside temperature got to 30. That car had a lot of problems.

As for IKEA. If you have not been there, the food there is very inexpensive and self-serve cafeteria style. I got dragged there a few times by Orque and Basher when we were working to furnish the office areas of the Valhalla.

It is interesting you got picked up by Arne the magician. Last night, Thorvald signed up Arne to take my early evening weekday show permanently. I tried not to get ticked off, but Thorvald said there are only so many times you can show off your man parts to an old folks audience before they want to see something different. I asked Thorvald why no one seemed to be asking me out from the gay community in Milborough. Thorvald said, “Hoskuld. Everyone knows you’re taken.” I said, “Taken by whom? And don’t call me Hoskuld.” Thorvald said, “Hoskuld. I do not know. But I do know you are off limits.”

When I got back home and lifted weights with Marjee, she said, “Take it easy Howie. You don’t want to pull something. Take a proper break between sets.” I said, “I am getting very frustrated. Why does everyone think I am off limits?” Marjee said, “Milborough gays have always been an offbeat community. If you will make you feel better, I don’t consider you off limits.” I said, “That’s very kind of you to say, Marjee.” At that point Becky came in floating on air. She said, “Drew slid one into me. It was great.” I said, “What? Slid one into you?” Becky said, “I got you again, Howie. We were just Frenching.” Marjee said, “Is he a good kisser?” Becky said, “He has wonderful fruity taste to him.” I said, “Naked fruit. I need to buy some more of that tomorrow.” Marjee said, “Maynard usually tasted of stale beer.” Becky said, “Brennevin?” Marjee said, “Molson or Labatt.” Becky said, “What does Howie taste like?” Marjee said, “Fine wine. Slow and sweet.” I said, “I have to lift more weights, now.” My arms are still a little sore this morning.

Howard K.
At 9:49 AM, Anonymous said…

April,

Boozhoo (Hello).

I read your writings about your father and his friend Gordon discussing new cars. It is difficult for me to understand because there are not too many of my people who own sports cars. My car is a 4-door sedan and very practical.

Polaris Snow Machines are much more popular with my people in the Northwest than cars. My mishomis (grandfather) considers his snow machine to be his baby. I also do not understand why such a fine woman as your mother will not let your father use her to car to haul junk, when that seems to be the purpose for her car. I hope you can explain it to me. It will help me understand your father and mother, when I meet them.

The story about erasing and unerasing was interesting. In police work, those words mean different things than what you used them for. Although, like what happened with your mother, when someone is erased, it usually means something has changed and people think differently about things due to someone being erased. I guess it is not very different from what your mom was talking about after all.

Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 5:49 PM, April Patterson said…

paul, i asked my dad y mom won't let him use her car 4 hauling, & he told me i shd re-read his march 2006 letter. in the letter, he wrote:

I have been using Elly's station wagon to haul junk. Needless to say, she has taken offense to scratches and dirt that are left behind when I use her car, so that's adding to my incentive.

so i guess she was letting him use her car 4 hauling junk, but he messed it up & lost his hauling privileges.

apes
At 6:17 PM, Anonymous said…

April,

Boozhoo (Hello).

I read your writings about your father not getting to use your family station wagon because he left scratches and dirt behind when he hauled junk. I am surprised your father would need to haul junk. He is a doctor and I think your sister has told me Milborough is in a suburb of The Big Smoke (Toronto), so you should have trash pickup.

I am also a little surprised your mother would be that picky about her station wagon. Is this the same car she drove to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) and back when I met her, or is this a different station wagon? The road to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) from Spruce Narrows is unpaved. Cars do not travel on it without getting scratches.

I am sure what you told me your dad said was true. But my policeman’s instincts make me think there is more to the story. Of course here in Otter County, it hasn’t been that long since Mrs. Miller killed her husband David for putting mustard on his baloney and bannock, since she felt it was an insult to her cooking. Sometimes it is better to give in to a picky spouse.

Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 6:36 PM, April Patterson said…

paul, u r prolly rite that there is more 2 the story than dad is letting on, but if so, he totally doesn't wanna tell me abt it, eh? tho 1x i did c him unloading oily car parts he'd dragged back from the junk yard & saying he was gonna make his own model train from them. he was, like "ben horanium thinx he so smart, but if he can do it, so can john patterson, dds!" & mom came running outta the house, all, "john, u got that oil and grease all over the cargo area in my cruh-VAHSS!" neway, that's all i know abt that.

yup, it's the same car u saw when u met my mom.

apes
At 7:49 PM, Anonymous said…

April,

Boozhoo (Hello).

I have never heard of Ben Horanium. I suppose this is because I do not move in the same circles as your father. Your mother is a great woman, but I do not understand this part of her. Is she saying that her station wagon is only good for moving clean things? If that is true, then she would not make a good Ojibway woman. Among my people, we do not have the luxury of having one car to haul dirty things and one car to haul clean things. I cannot tell if your sister shares your mother’s opinion about this, since she does not have a car. Has your sister ever owned a car? And if so, was it used for hauling clean things or dirty things?

Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 8:00 PM, howard said…

April,

It’s so weird having early evenings off. Thorvald called me up and asked if I would play a teenager for Arne the magician. Apparently the dwarf he was using had to back out of the show for some reason. I said, “Thorvald. I think the old folks in Milborough will recognize I am not a teenager, since I have been doing a show for weeks pretending to beat up teenagers.” Thorvald said, “Hoskuld. You are wise indeed. Maybe Gisli (his name for Gerald) will do it.” I said, “Maybe so. And stop calling me Hoskuld.”

My being home during the evening has disturbed the Becky-Drew status quo a little. Drew is actually having to study with Becky, instead of the stuff he was doing. Becky is a little perturbed with me, but I told her as long as those girls in school keep trying to hand her their very visibly-marked school work, she needs to keep her grades up to prevent claims of cheating. It’s hard to argue against reasonable logic, but you can grumble quite a bit. I feel fairly certain Becky prefers kissing to studying, particularly with a boy who looks as nice as Drew. I expect when I have to leave for the late evening show at the Valhalla, studying will be replaced by kissing as soon as I walk out the door.

Howard K.
At 8:28 PM, April Patterson said…

paul, i don't think my mom has, like, a rule that u can only haul clean stuff in her car. but i think if the car's used 4 dirty stuff, the dirty stuff hasta b wrapped or contained & the hauling area lined/protected to keep the dirt from staying in the car. like leave it the way u found it kinda thing.

u'll hafta ask liz if she agreez w/mom abt that.

howard, ger just txt-ed me abt a "gr8 honour" of sum sort. i'm guessing he meanz b-ing asked 2 play a teenager in that show.

apes
At 8:46 PM, Anonymous said…

april, 2day wuz v.v. educational w/dirne. 1st zenobia barnaby came up 2 me & sed, “jeremy. zapata & zenia r hangin’ ‘round zahava & zainab & not me. but if u get me tix 2 bauhaus & nin 4 me, then i can uze them 2 nvite zapata & zenia & not zahava & zainab 2 go w/me.” i sed, “how many iz that?” but dirne sed, “my bf iz not a ticketmaster. go away.” i sed, “i coulda got her tix. it wudn’t b a problem.” dirne sed, “jeremy. 1 of the most mportant jobz of a gf iz 2 protect her bf against othah girlz. ur not gonna b uzed 2 help out some goth girl get back @her goth friendz."

then abigail, acadia, alyssa, & ashley came by & sed, “jeremy. we need tix 2 pearl jam & u & ur gf r nvited 2 sit w/us if u wanna.” dirne sed, “there’z no way we r sittin’ b-side girlz who nevah put down their cellz & who don’t know wen 2 stop spritzin’ the perfume. u wud ruin the concert 4 us.” then abigail, acadia, alyssa, & ashley whipped out their cells phonez 2 talk 2 each othah & aftah a brief convo sed, “dirne aufkleber. u don’t know who ur dealin’ w/. the a-girlz have wayz 2 deal w/gfs like u.” dirne sed, “az long az u have thoze bad hair dye jobz & thoze shoez that r definitely last year & enuff makeup & perfume on so peeps think u look like ho’s, i am not worried ‘bout u.”

i sed, “dirne. thoze girlz r rilly popular. mebbe u shud lemme get them tix.” dirne sed, “jeremy jones. the fact u can get thoze tix iz power. now watch me uze that power.” i didn’t know wut she wuz talkin’ ‘bout till ashley came slidin’ ovah 2 dirne & sed, “last year’s shoez. ru sure?” dirne sed, “ashley, if there iz nething i know, it iz fashion.” ashley sed, “cud i go shoppin’ w/u sumtyme?” dirne sed, “but of course. vicki simone & i were plannin’ 2 shop this weekend. do u know vicki?” ashley sed, “not rilly.” dirne sed, “well u shud. she may b grade 9, but she knowz her fashion. wenevah i go 2 a new skool, i like 2 find girlz who dress well, like me, 2 shop w/. ru innerested?” ashley sed yes. then dirne sed, “jeremy. can u get ashley & her bf sum pearl jam tix, rite b-side us, & sum backstage passes?” i sed, “prolly. am i gettin’ them 4 abigail, acadia, & alyssa 2?” dirne sed, “thoze girlz do not care enuff ‘bout the way they look.” i sed, “that means no, eh?” dirne sed, “but of course.”

we left ashley & dirne sed, “uc, jeremy. now there’z a grade 11 popular girl who thinks we r bettah than her popular friendz.” i sed, “so it’s kinda like ur picky ‘bout who ur w/?” dirne sed, “it’s like wen u have a nice car & u don’t want it 2b soiled with oily junk. once u let the junk n, the car iz ruined.” i sed, “u uze innerestin’ analogiez, dirne.” dirne sed, “but of course.”
At 9:09 PM, Anonymous said…

April, my BF has so much to learn. Fortunately, he realizes this and takes direction very well. Would you like to join Vicki, Ashley, and me for shopping this weekend?

Dirne
At 9:11 PM, April Patterson said…

dirne, shopping soundz cube. thanx 4 inviting me. i know i can use sum help w/fashion!

apes
At 10:21 PM, April Patterson said…

oh, btw, jeremy, thanx 4 the compliment abt my ikea joke. i know it wasn't v. funny, but i like 2 try out jokes that r not punz, like u say.

apes

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Wednesday, April 19, 2006

I thought I was his baby!

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