Oh, come ON!
Dad was doing the Gordo talk more this morning, & now I'm confused. U C, he started by telling me how Gordo was blathering on abt how Mom an' Dad alwayz had faith in him & were alwayz there when he needed advice. And how he'll never B able 2 repay them 4 "that investment". And Dad told him how they've enjoyed being "part of his success" &, like, he'z worked hard 2 get where he is, with "honesty, integrity, & good service." Dad sez Gordo, like, interrupted him, all, "John...is there sumthing I can do 4 U 2day" while looking over his glasses like an ol' schoolmarm from a cheezy movie. & Dad was all "Ive come 2 trade in my Bushwhacker." & that's where I get all WTF cuz supposedly while Mom & Dad were in Mexico, Dad "made arrangements w/Gordo 2 trade in his car." So Y is it suddenly like that never happed? So confused. I tried asking Dad about this, but he was all "April, U just don't understand how these things R dun in Milboro."
Mom had sum embarrassment yesterday w/Dunc's mom, Miranda Anderson. Like, a rellie of Dunc's in Barbados, Perdita Davis, is taking the writing course as a distance-ed class, and she'd posted an intro message @ that message board they use. Then Mom posted asking if she knew the Andersonz (she hadn't mentioned them in her 1st post), only instead of "Miranda", Mom wrote "Melanie", cuz, like, she was thinking abt Ger's mom, Melanie Forsythe. And Mrs. Anderson called Mom, offended that she cdn't get her name rite after all theze yrs of knowing her. But they got that str8ened out & now they're OK again.
So I've got my guitar w/me 2day again, cuz I hafta play sum music samplez 4 Mirabell @ the dram-club mtg after school. I've been practicing thoze TV-theme songz Zandra rec'ed, so we'll C how thingz go.
Howard, I can't help thinking it's a bad idea 2 keep stirring up the teen h8 the oldiez have in this town. It can only lead 2 sumthing bad!
Apes
Mom had sum embarrassment yesterday w/Dunc's mom, Miranda Anderson. Like, a rellie of Dunc's in Barbados, Perdita Davis, is taking the writing course as a distance-ed class, and she'd posted an intro message @ that message board they use. Then Mom posted asking if she knew the Andersonz (she hadn't mentioned them in her 1st post), only instead of "Miranda", Mom wrote "Melanie", cuz, like, she was thinking abt Ger's mom, Melanie Forsythe. And Mrs. Anderson called Mom, offended that she cdn't get her name rite after all theze yrs of knowing her. But they got that str8ened out & now they're OK again.
So I've got my guitar w/me 2day again, cuz I hafta play sum music samplez 4 Mirabell @ the dram-club mtg after school. I've been practicing thoze TV-theme songz Zandra rec'ed, so we'll C how thingz go.
Howard, I can't help thinking it's a bad idea 2 keep stirring up the teen h8 the oldiez have in this town. It can only lead 2 sumthing bad!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 8:43 AM
13 Comments:
At 9:27 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your father and his friend Gordon complimenting each other. When Gordon complimented your father on his advice, I can tell he thinks of your father like a wise elder would be in the Ojibway. The word for elder, gichi`ayaa|g comes from gichi (big, great) ayaa (be at a state of). In other words, “to be at a state of greatness or bigness.” I think your father would meet the definition of an Ojibway elder:
First there is the age criteria. To be recognized as an Elder, the age criterion ranges from fifty to seventy years of age. Your father is over 50 years old, so he qualifies.
An Elder is an individual known in the First Nation as a person who will respond in crises and give whatever help is needed. Your father did that for his friend Gordon in his crisis for starting his business.
An Elder is someone who has vision for the people and who is willing to share that vision and work toward achieving it. Your father had a vision for selling his car and he has shared that vision with you and he is working to achieve it with his friend Gordon.
They are expected to be caring, loving and non argumentative. I think this certainly applies to your father.
An Elder is someone who has lived the particular way of life or life-way respected in their First Nation territory. I believe your father is well-respected in your community.
They also stress the need to always honour and practice the native way of life. Your father is not an Ojibway, so I can pass him on this one.
An Elder is the necessity in the family system to set an example for the people to follow to ensure the family's survival and thus the nation's survival. I am certain you consider your father necessary to your family, since he is the only one in your family working.
It is a common belief that if Elders are to be sought as advisors about life they need to follow the "seven teachings" or "walk their talk" which indicates a strong spiritual and balanced life. Your father is not an Ojibway, so I can pass him on this one.
In the past, Elders held the knowledge, history, ceremonies, songs, dances and cultural background for the nation. They passed this knowledge down from generation to generation. Has your father taught you any of these things? I think I remember reading in one of your writings, he taught you how to use power tools. That probably counts.
They knew the medicines and the culture. Your father definitely knows about medicine.
There you go. Your father would be considered an Ojibway elder. When I finally get to meet him, I know we will get along.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 9:28 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, omg. omg. omg. ur dad iz just now talkin’ ‘bout tradin’ n hiz car w/gordon mayez? i’m gonna ask mom if she can drive me & dirne 2 skool 2day. i don’t wanna take ne chances. dirne thinks i am b-ing silly, but she hazn’t been doin’ test drives w/ur dad 4 the last 6 months, like i have.
At 9:40 AM,
howard said…
April,
I had not noticed until you wrote about it that your father gives you compliments before he asks you for something. I will have to remember that the next time I am in his dentist’s chair and he starts talking about my future dental work. I think the rule will be, “If a get a compliment, it’s unnecessary dental work. If I don’t get a compliment, it’s necessary dental work.”
I know you think it is bad to keep stirring up the teen hate the old folks have in this town. If you were to see the crowd at the Valhalla, you could see just how nonlethal they are. They can barely cut their food by themselves and have virtually no land speed vertically or horizontally. I was worried at first too, particularly with Becky being a teenager doing her act, but it was pretty obvious she was not in any danger and she is usually right in front of a mob of old folks when she does her act.
Speaking of Becky, I have a strange story with Becky from last night. I got home from the Valhalla, did my lifting with Marjee Mahaha. Then Becky came in to see me. She was floating on air. She said, “Drew finally gave me the big one.” I said, “What? The big one? I thought you pinky swore with April!” Becky said, “No. Howie. Not that big one. Look at this ring. My first big jewelry from Drew.” I said, “That’s very beautiful. It reminds me a lot of a ring I once gave to Beatrice Alfarero a long time ago, and she gave back to me when she broke up with me.” Becky said, “You’re not saying Drew stole your ring, are you?” She looked all heart-broken. I said, “No. I’m just saying Drew has similar tastes in jewelry as me.” Becky said, “Good. You and Drew have great taste in rings, Howie. Beatrice Alfarero was an idiot to give you up.” I said, “I wish I believed that.” Becky said, “Oh Howie. You’re a great catch. Oh, and don’t tell Drew his ring looks like your ring. It would spoil it for him.” I told her I would keep quiet. And since I have told you, keep it quiet too, eh? Becky does not want it getting back to Drew. The ring looks very nice on Becky. It is gold inset with emeralds and compliments her hair and eye colours well.
That’s all for now,
Howard K.
At 11:55 AM,
Anonymous said…
April, thanks for introducing me to your friend Eva. She's the only person I've spoken to who can understand what I went through with being erased and later unerased. She was nice enough to invite me to sit at her table l8r when we have have lunch. She says she's got some tips for my readjustment to visible life.
Josh
Geekgod
At 12:00 PM,
April Patterson said…
paul, 1 thing i'm not sure u picked up on was that dad seemed 2 b flattering gordon 2 get an esp. gd deal 4 his car trade-in. all the compliments abt "honesty, integrity, & good service", eh?
tho i'm sure when u meet my dad u'll like him.
howard, i will not say nething 2 drew abt the ring lking like the 1 u gave to bea. i seem 2 remember u telling me abt the ring 1x. it had a special inscription on it made out 2 beatrice. so no worriez if becks has a ring that looks like it but w/out ne inscription!
jeremy, i don't blame u. i don't understand what-all'z going on w/the st00pid trade-in process. it's like we're in a bizarre time warp.
josh, glad i cd help u in sum way. hope u have a nice lunch 2day!
apes
At 1:17 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes!
I ran home @ lunch 2 pick up my kilt an' 2 drop off my 11th copy of the CCRF that we got @ assembly this am. If I take my mom an' dads copies fr when we bcame citizens, I think Ive got enuf copies 2 paper 1 of the bathrooms.
NEway, my mom was on the fone 2 my dad an' I think she was talking abt yr mom. My mom goes, theres sumthing rong w/ that woman she cant remember my name she cant remember yr job mayB shes had a ministroke u shld talk 2 John. I didnt hear what my dad said but then my mom goes, u r rite, theres always bn sumthing rong w/ that woman mayB she just thinks shes b-ing funny.
I dunno what that was all abt, but Ill c u @ drama club l8r.
At 2:01 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, it wuz a freaky tyme @lunch. rebeccah came by & showed off her new ring frum drew. i sed, “did u check 2c if there wuz an inscription, like april sed?” rebeccah sed, “yes. there is. it sez, ‘to b yours 4-ever’. it iz obviously not howie’z old ring, like a certain jealous jeremy iz tryin’ 2 say.” shannon sed, “y…duzn’t…the…nscription…spell…out…‘b’…2b…‘be’?” rebeccah sed, “there’z not enuff room n the band 4 all thoze letters. thass wut drew told me.” dirne sed, “it luks good on u, becky. u have a v. generous bf.” rebeccah sed, “thanx, dirne.” then rebeccah left. dirne sed, “obviously regifted.”
then eva arrived w/josh, the geek god. eva sed “josh wuz erased 4 almost 2 yrs. i thot it wud b good 4 him 2 sit w/us till he gets back n2 his old life again.” josh sed, “ur all friends of april’s who don’t sit or eat lunch w/her. i kinda remember this group of peeps b4. it’s weird 2b unerased. i remember goin’ 2 classes i nevah went 2 & there iz evn a girl who thinks she iz my gf & i remembah her az my gf, but i know she izn’t.” vicki simone sed, “oh, rite. avery’s ur gf. we all know that.” shannon sed, “i…kinda…remembah…avery…goin’…aftah…u…jeremy.” i sed, “she did, but now i remembah that she didn’t. i alwayz wondahed y a girl like avery didn’t have a bf, cuz she wuz an a-girl, but now i unnerstand. she wuz supposed 2b w/u josh till u were erased.”
dirne sed, “erased / unerased. the whole thing iz confuzing 2 me. we didn’t have this problem n TO.” eva sed, “i know wut u mean. n the place i lived b4 mboro, there was no such thing.” josh sed, “i can’t complain 2 much. i mite of missed startin’ my relationship w/avery, but my grades were str8 a’s 4 all my classes & didn’t hafta do nething 2 earn them. of course, i remembah working my ass off.” shannon sed, “ur…lucky. sumtymez…i…wish…i…wuz…erased…&…unerased…az…a…girl…who…wuzn’t…special…needz. then…mebbe…i…cud…have…a…bf…i…didn’t…remembah.” eva sed, “ur case wuz diffrent frum me. whoevah erased me did a bad job. it wuz like the peeps who did it, didn’t know wut they were doin’. like they cudn’t d-cide wut they wunted 2 do frum one day 2 the next. like they were just makin’ it up az they went along. idiots. i h8 them. if it wuzn’t 4 jeremy, i wud’ve gone crayzee.” i sed, “ur tuff. u prolly cud’ve handled it urself. i wuz glad 2 help tho.” dirne sed, “it’s so nice the way u2 compliment each othah back & forth. it’s like ur tryin’ 2 buy a car.” i sed, “thass not funny, dirne.” dirne sed, “oh, sorry jeremy. i 4got ur sensitive ‘bout buyin’ new carz. 4give me?” I sed, “but of course.”
josh sed, “wen i wuz erased, it wuz freaky. i knew i wuz there, cuz every once n awhile i cud tell peeps were lookin’ @me, but i wuzn’t ne place where i cud do stuff like u did, eva.” i sed, “so ru gonna get outa mboro, 2 keep frum evah b-ing erased again?” josh sed, “i dunno y. my grades r gr8. i have a hott gf. i still look young. not like u, dude. the last tyme i saw u, u looked like a grade 7 boy, & now u look like my dad.” i sed, “thanx. i luv hearin’ that.” josh sed, “unerasin’ is kinda disoriented, but rilly not 2 bad 4 me. i kinda wish i cud do it again.” eva sed, “don’t say that. the peeps running things now r sloppy. if u get erased again, u will be like i wuz.” josh sed, “gud point. i’m glad i wuz erased 2 yrs ago & not recently.”
then avery came ovah & sed, “josh. yru sittin’ ovah here? alanis & anais have a table 4 us ovah there.” eva sed, “avery. i think josh needz sum tyme to reorient himself aftah he wuz unerased.” avery sed, “unerased, schmunerased. if josh wunts 2 go 2 2nd base w/me 2day, he’z gonna sit w/me.” josh sed, “sorry guyz. but 2nd base w/an a-girl. a geek god nevah had it so gud.” & that wuz lunch.
At 2:03 PM,
Luann DeGroot said…
Apes,
My brother went over 2 Mayes Motors yesterday 2 pick up some parts 4 that Dorkmobile he drives, and I tagged along cuz he promised he'd drop me off @ the mall.
We saw Gordon Mayes there, and boy does he look older than evah!!! He actually looked older than ur dad, who was there delivering some major guilt trip on Gordo about how ur parents backed Gord's business early on, before hitting him up 4 a good deal on his trade-in.
(I'm totally confused about this - didn't ur Dad already trade-in the Bushwacker for another 'Asse? I could have sworn I saw him driving one of his own a week or 2 ago. Maybe it wasn't him...lotsa folks look alike around here. Sometimes I even have trouble telling ur Mom and Dad and brother and sister apart!)
Then we saw Granthony in the office, and that's when it occurred 2 me - have u noticed that the premature aging phenomenon seems to be centered around Mayes Motors? Ever since Gord opened that place, he's been aging like 5x normal, and so has Granthony since he started working there. I'm not sure where Warren fits into this, but there is definitely something bad about that place!
Luann
At 2:09 PM,
April Patterson said…
luann, i m just as confused as u &, i think, just abt every1 else abt my dad & doing that trade on the car. i totally thot it was over & dun w/, & now this. it's like we're in a weird sci-fi show. that wd also help xplain the rapid aging, eh? hm, the theory abt gordo's place is interesting. jeremy, r u connected w/that place sumhow? not that u look so xtra-aged as thoze other guyz. i still don't think u look as old as all thoze other ppl r alwayz saying.
josh & avery do seem 2 make a cute couple. it's weird how i seem 2 remember them being a couple but also not. so confusing.
apes
At 2:27 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i didn’t think i wuz connected @all 2 mayez garage till i remembahed ur dad started doin’ test drives in october & i started lookin’ old in november. look @ this pic frum skool n november. thass wen i 1st remembah lookin’ old. so, mebbe it’s thoze test drivez that made me look old. i am definitely not doin’ ne more test drivez.
thanx 4 the compliment ‘bout my looks. dirne sez we r definitely doin’ sum 2nd base 2day. she sez 2 many girlz have been givin’ me compliments 2day & she wunts 2 keep me focused on her. nothing like sum 2nd base 2 get me focused, thass 4 sure. netime u wanna give me compliments, feel free.
At 6:48 PM,
howard said…
April,
I had a very strange visit with your mother this afternoon. She came into Sugar’s salon looking quite frazzled. She went up to Sugar and said, “I think I would like a shampoo and have my hair trimmed and rebunned. Is that nice nativegirl available?” Sugar said, “You mean Marjee?” Your mom said, “Yes. That’s her name. I remember now.” Sugar said, “Do you want a shampoo or a shamp-Oh?” Your mom said, “Whatever it is that Roberta Curtola does, that’s what I want.” Sugar said, “Roberta Curtola?” Your mom said, “No. I mean Coward Helpfroth.” Sugar said, “You mean Howard Kelpfroth?” Your mom said, “That’s what I said, isn’t it?” Sugar said, “No. You said Coward Helpfroth.” Your mom said, “The ugly woman with the very, very tight bun in the flowery dress. That’s the person.” Sugar said, “Very tight bun?” Your mom said, “Nevermind. I’ll go there myself.”
She walked over to me and I said, “Mrs. P. You look distressed. What’s wrong?” She said, “Please forgive me in advance if I call you by the wrong name or get confused about what you do for a living. I can’t think straight.” I said, “What happened?” Your mom said, “Well Coward. I think it all started when I called up Lynn to get April’s friend Josh unerased, so he could come fix my computer. He was erased a long time ago and when someone who was erased a long time ago is unerased, it means a lot of things change. I don’t know if you have noticed or not, Roberta, but a lot of things that go on in this town involve me, so when someone is unerased in Milborough, I am the one who suffers the most.” I said, “I noticed your nose was a little bigger than usual.” Your mom said, “That’s usually the first sign, Coward. Then John was talking to April this morning about trading in his Bushwhacker and I could swear he already did that back in March. Of course John says it didn’t happen in March. I know it is because of the unerasing. The second sign is when things you thought happened didn’t happen.”
I said, “Has this happened before?” Your mom said, “A few times. The worst was when Connie Poirier’s first husband was erased and then unerased. The town name changed from Eastgate to Milborough. I couldn’t see straight for days and I had a splitting headache from remembering both when he lived with Connie to remembering when Connie came back from Brazil pregnant with Lawrence and was never married to him.” I said, “Wow. The name of the town changed? And Connie’s whole marriage to Lawrence’s dad was erased?” Your mom said, “Yes. It was awful. Unerasing Josh is not as bad as that, but it has had some effects too. Just recently I got confused and called one of my oldest and dearest friends, Miranda Anderson, by the name Melanie. Then when I was speaking to Miranda, I could swear I heard her husband Nigel in the background saying, ‘Make sure she and John are still retaining my services for this year's taxes!’ But then I remembered it as ‘retaining Larson's services for this year's taxes!’ Of course, of course, Nigel's the manager at the bank we go to. But this Larson I don’t remember at all, and then I do. It’s as if Larson is not really a part of my reality or memory. It is very confusing to me, Roberta.”
I said, “What can I do to help?” Your mother said, “I seem to remember your shampooing had a positive effect on me. Like it removed barriers that kept me from thinking properly.” I said, “Yes. It usually does that.” Your mom said, “Shamp-Oh me, honey. I am so in love with you and your pastries. I could kiss you right now.” I said, “What? You’re in love with me?” Your mom said, “Did I say that? You can tell I need help. Please help me Coward.”
So, I started doing the shamp-Oh and this little storm cloud appeared above your mother’s head. It freaked me out, but I kept on going. Then the storm cloud started thundering and lightning, but I kept on going. Then the storm cloud started to rain, but I kept on going. Then the cloud started to sleet and hail, but I kept on going. A crowd gathered around your mom. The customers, the stylists and Sugar were all looking in my direction. Sugar said, “Be careful, Howard.” I told her I would. Then the cloud started to snow and it turned into a light rain and the sun came out with a pretty rainbow. The people gathered around said, “Ooh. Very pretty. Quite lovely. I want one of those.”
Your mom said to me, “Howard. I feel very refreshed and clear headed and my hair is clean too. I think I am ready for Marjee to give me my trim and rebunning.” So then she did. It was a very odd afternoon.
Howard K.
At 8:54 PM,
April Patterson said…
wow, howard, that stuff abt how thingz change when sum1 is unerased, that sure xplainz a lot, eh?
jeremy, even in that pic u linked, i don't think u look old enuf 2 b, like, dirne's dad, the way ppl keep reacting 2 u. it kinda looks like an unflattering pic, like the photog wanted 2 make u look bad & took bad angles on u or sumthin'. but the thing abt test drivez has me wondering. do u find that when u go thru a long time w/my dad not taking u on ne test drives, that u start 2 look yunger? or @ least u don't have ppl saying u look old as often? mayB, like, we r on2 sumthing?
apes
At 9:46 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i dunno if i start 2 look yungah wen i go thru a long tyme w/ur dad not taking me on ne test drives. peeps have been makin' jokes 'bout how i look pretty much all the tyme evah since november. it's been like a regular joke 4 awhile.
i mentioned ur idea 2 dirne & she sed, "jeremy, this iz wut i think. it's not that u look so old. it's that the teen girlz n mboro look so yung & u look old n comparison. just like that pic frum november. ur friend becky looks like she is 12 yrs old. ur friend april sumtymez looks 2 me like she is 12 yrs old or yungah wen i know she iz actually 15. then othah dayz she looks more like 15. it'z v.v. confuzin'. b-sidez, y do u care? i like a mature-lookin' guy. if u looked yungah, u wudn't b az attractive." then she insisted we go 2 2nd base, cuz she wunted me 2 focus on her again. i have gone 2 2nd base a lot 2day. thanx 4 the compliments. they rilly get dirne goin'.
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