A sports car AND a wagon?
LOL! Dad told me that when Gordo took him out 2 C that Crevasse sedan, the "4X Turbo", he told Dad, "She's a sports car & a wagon!" Isn't that sort of like saying "He's a dork and the coolest guy ever"? Is this a special sales technique, Gordo? Total lying but what U think the customer wants 2 believe? So, Gordo told him, "5 on the floor, scoop and spoilr--and enuf space in the payload 2 haul a band saw!" Car talk. It's like a foreign lang 2 me. Gordo showed "Pop" a notepad, all, "Here'z what I can do w/the trade-in and....yr discount." Dad tellz me there was this definite pause B4 "yr discount", like pausing 4 maximum effect, eh? Dad wanted 2 think abt it, so Gordo was all, "I'll leave U 2 alone 4 a while." L8r, Gordo sed that when Dad got in & sat behind the wheel, he thot, "I don't sell carz...I sell relationships."
And that's the l8est installment Dad told me over brekkie. Then his beeper went off & he had 2 leave 4 a dental emergency. I think sum1 tried 2 eat a telephone directory.
Apes
And that's the l8est installment Dad told me over brekkie. Then his beeper went off & he had 2 leave 4 a dental emergency. I think sum1 tried 2 eat a telephone directory.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:59 AM
17 Comments:
At 9:54 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, thanx 4 the warning, but it didn’t do ne good. i sed 2 dirne, “there’z a lotta crevasses n mboro, but a crevasse 4x turbo, sports car & a wagon, w/ scoop and spoilr. there’z not a lotta thoze. actually i don’t think i have seen ne of thoze, but if i do, i am gonna run & hide.” dirne sed, “u will do no such thing. a good bf iz not a coward. dr. p iz a nice man. he’z not gonna hurt u.” i sed, “but i will get oldah lookin’.” dirne sed, “i like an oldah lookin’ guy.” i sed, “but dirne.” she sed, “jeremy jones, i am not gonna have ur mom drive us 2 skool again, just cuz ur afraid of a test drive.”
so we were walkin’ & wut pulls up rite b-side us, but a crevasse 4x turbo, sports car & a wagon, w/scoop and spoilr. it’s ur dad & he sayz, “hop n kidz & i’ll give u a ride 2 skool.” i started shakin’ but dirne got n the car. so then i hadta also.
ur dad sed, “my new car. i know i have been lookin’ 4 awhile, but i think this iz the 1. duzn’t it make me look like the coolest guy evah?” i sed, “do u rilly wanna answer 2 that question, dr. p?” ur dad sed, “certainly, jeremy. i value ur opinon az a surly teenager.” i sed, “a roof-level spoiler on a station wagon iz ‘bout the silliest thing i have seen on a car. old grannies will make fun of u drivin’ this thing.” dirne sed, “jeremy. don’t b rude. dr. p. it’s a v.v. nice car & jeremy & i r v. pleased u wud give us a ride 2 skool.”
ur dad sed, “i’m glad u think that way, diana. cuz a new car iz like a new relationship. i’m not sure wut kinda passengers she likes n her back seat.” dirne sed, “wut?” i sed, “mr. p. i am pretty sure u don’t wanna pick us up 4 skool every day.” dr. p sed, “y not? i think my new car likes u.” i sed, “dirne & i r messy. we’ll leave a mess back here, won’t we dirne?” dirne sed, “we will not. a good gf duz not leave a mess n her bf’s friend’s father’z new car.” ur dad sed, “thass ok. i got this car so i cud leave dirt & scratches n it. my car likes u. i think i will pick u up every day.” dirne sed, “thass not necessary, dr. p. jeremy & i like walkin’. it gives us tyme 2gethah.” ur dad sed, “but u can have tyme 2gethah n the back seat of my car.” i cud park & leave u 2 alone 4 a while.” i sed, “u wud still b n the front seat, eh?” ur dad sed, “well, yes.” dirne sed, “jeremy & i r not gonna do nething n ur car dr. p.” ur dad sed, “y not? feel how soft her seats r. & that new car smell iz like a sultry perfume. duzn’t it put u n the mood?” dirne sed, “no. dr. p. it duzn’t.” ur dad sed, “it’s gotta gr8 sound system. lemme put on sum romantic musick 4u.” dirne sed, “dr. p. mebbe u wanna calm down a little.” ur dad sed, “i unnerstand. take it slow. my new car lovez it wen u take it slow. it’s engine purrs. it’s sayin, ‘ i like jeremy & dana n my car.’” dirne kinda squeaked.
i sed, “u shuda got a truck.” ur dad sed, “wut? a truck? on @least 2 secondz of contemplation, that iz not a good thot. mosta my friendz who have a truck drive around w/the back mt all the tyme. a sporty station wagon iz the way 2 go.” i sed, “havin’ a back mt iz ur reazn 4 not gettin’ a truck? do u evn have nething n the back of this station wagon?” ur dad sed, “it’s 2 soon 4 that. i hafta make sure she’z comfortable b4 i put my bandsaw n her.” i sed, “dr. p. i unnerstand. w/a truck every1 knowz u don’t have ne thing n her, but w/a station wagon & these freakin’ tinted windowz, they don’t know & u can pretend ur actually regularly loadin’ sumthing n2 ur station wagon, wen u rilly don’t have ne stuff 2 load. a station wagon iz rilly the way 2 go 4u.” ur dad sed, “i can load her with junk ne tyme i wanna.” i sed, “but n the back seat, i can c there’z nothing back there.” ur dad sed, “just b-cuz we haven’t loaded nething since april wuz born, duzn’t mean i can’t. i mean, i load it all the tyme.” i sed, “rite. dr. p. i b-lieve u. but frum the back seat, my eyez r c-ing no load.” ur dad sed, “jeremy jones. ur 2 surly 4 me.” he pulled ovah & sed, “u get out. & take ur gf dorna w/u.”
we got out & dirne gave me a rilly strong hug & sed, “jeremy. i thot we were gonna hafta ride n that car every mornin’. u saved me, my perfect bf.” then there wuz a lotta kissin’ aftah that. it wuz worth that awful test drive 4 that.
At 11:35 AM,
April Patterson said…
omg, jeremy, i m so sorry my dad got all creepee on u & dirne. he iz such an mbarrassing (& such a DORK)!
apes
At 1:32 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, this mornin’ between classes, dirne came up 2 me w/abigail, acadia, alyssa, & ashley. she sed, “abigail, acadia, alyssa wanna go shoppin’ w/me & ashley & april & vicki this weekend. i think i have convinced them all 2 wear designer & less perfume.” abigail sed, “yes. thanx 2 dirne, we have seen the error of our wayz. cud u get uz pearl jam tix?” acadia sed, “we were so wrong ‘bout u & dirne. ur way cube. & cud we get backstage passes 2?” alyssa sed, “there’s nothin’ we wud like more than 2 go shoppin’ w/a grade 10 girl on the weekend. can u get free parkin’ 2?” i sed, “iz this wut u want, dirne?” dirne sed, “it only seemz rite, since we r all gonna b shoppin’ buddies.” i sed, “az it turnz out i have tix, backstage passes & parkin’ passes 4 all of us, plus ur bfs.” i pulled them outa my uni pocket & handed them out 2 the a-girlz. then i sed, “c u have seats rite b-side me & dirne. & i handed dirne our tix.” the girlz all squealed & sed, “thass gr8. thanx jeremy.” dirne sed, “ur kinda prepared 4 this. u alreddy got thoze tix & stuff.” i sed, “aftah yestahday, i knew it wuz only a mattah of tyme b4 all the a-girlz wud c it ur way.” dirne got xxcited by that & we had a little kissin’, but we almost got caught. i just pretended 2b untangling dirne’s hair.
then @lunch, dirne came n2 the cafetorium sobbin’ & her hair wuz all wet. i sed, “wut happed?” dirne sed, “i wuz talkin’ 2 abigail, acadia, alyssa, & ashley n the girlz washroom ‘bout how we were gonna have so much fun 2gethah shoppin’ & @pearl jam & then they sed, ‘u didn’t think we were actually gonna go shoppin’ w/u did u?’ i wuz shocked & i sed, ‘u aren’t? but ur fashionz r so outa style. u desperately need sum help.’ they sed, ‘ur new 2 mboro, so u haven’t learned how thingz r ‘round here. nobody keeps up w/fashion. the peeps n this town dress how they wanna. we just sed that 2 get thoze pearl jam tix.’ i sed, ‘but we’re gonna b sittin’ w/each otha @pearl jam!’ then they sed, ‘no we’re not.’ & they grabbed my purse & found the tix & tore them up. & then they gave me a swirlie. i h8 mboro. u don’t give girlz swirliez n TO. thass only 4 boyz.” i sed, “thoze a-girlz. they r the meanest girlz n skool. i knew they cudn’t b trusted. do u want me 2 beat them up?” dirne sed, “no. jeremy. a proper bf duzn’t hit girlz.”
then we heard a voice b-hind us. it wuz shannon lake. she sed, “i…heard…that…whole…story. nobody…treats…jeremy’z…gf…that…way. i’ll…take…care…of…it.” i sed, “wut r u gonna do?’ shannon sed, ‘i…think…a…certain…special…needz…girl…iz…gonna…get…her…hair…wet…&…have…a…little…talk…w/the…principal…‘bout…sum…a-girlz…givin’…swirliez.” dirne sed, “wud u do that 4 me?” shannon sed, “i…wud…do…it…4…jeremy.” i sed, “thass v.v. nice of u shannon.” shannon sed, “ic…sum…a-girls…doin’…a…lotta…detention.” dirne sed, “wud u like 2 go shoppin’ this weekend?” shannon sed, “no…offence, dirne. but…i…don’t…sell…my…help. i…do…it…cuz…i…have…a…relationship…w/…jeremy.” i sed, “thanx shannon.” shannon went 2 the washroom.
dirne sed, “but thoze girlz tore up our pearl jam tix.” i sed, “they tore up wut they thot were pearl jam tix. i knew they cudn’t b trusted, so i made up a set of fakes.” dirne sed, “u did? & u didn’t tell me?” i sed, “i hadda make sure they were lyin’. aftah all i dunno that much ‘bout fashion. mebbe they coulda rilly been serious, ‘bout wantin’ to shop w/u.” dirne sed, “so, wen they go 2 the pearl jam concert, they r gonna have a hard tyme gettin’ n.” then dirne started laffin' rilly hard. she sed, "i can just c their faces wen they find out." she laffed sum more.
dirne threw her armz round me & i sed, “jeremy jones. ur so smart sumtymez. i just love u.” then she sed, “w8. i wuzn’t suppozed 2 say that yet. a proper gf izn’t suppozed 2 admit she’z n love w/her bf till they have been d8ing 4 @least 3 months & he haz bot her jewelry & flowerz @least once durin’ that tyme.” i sed, “u have rulez ‘bout wen u luv sum1?” dirne sed, “no. just ‘bout wen u say u luv sum1. can u 4get i sed that, please?” i sed, “i dunno. i guess so.”
then shannon came outa the washroom & her hair was soakin’ wet. she sed, “off…2…the…principal’z…office. come…watch…me…work.” so we followed shannon & kept a little distance. she & the principal talked 4 a bit & the principal got red n the face. then the principal came up 2 dirne & sed, “shannon sed u gotta swirlie 2.” dirne sed, “yes. my hair is still kinda wet & messy.” the principal sed, “well, it’z 1 thing 2 swirlie a regular girl, but a special needz girl, we can’t have that. u can rest assured, um…wut were their namez again?” dirne sed, “abigail, acadia, alyssa, & ashley.” the principal sed, “rite. um…cud u rite thoze down 4 me?” dirne rote them down & the principal walked off. dirne sed, “ur the best shannon. ru sure u don’t wanna go shoppin’ w/me?” shannon sed, “ok. u…talked…me…n2…it. u’ll…make…sure…i…don’t…get…lost…n…the…store, eh?” dirne sed, “ur gonna b rite b-side me the whole tyme.” shannon sed, “gud. i…h8…gettin’…lost…n…storez.”
thass wut happed, n case u were wonderin’.
At 1:41 PM,
howard said…
April,
Gordon Mayes philosophy on selling cars is remarkably like Sugars in the salon. She has told me many times that she recommends hair stylists based on the personality of the stylist and the customer. One of the things she says quite often is “I don't sell haircuts…I sell relationships." I wonder if they went to the same management course.
I can see the effect of it though. Marjee Mahaha almost always gets the kids and teenagers for haircuts. She looks very young, even younger these days now she is so buff, and so there is more of an appeal than there is with the older stylists. The Quebecois ladies who come in on Thursdays are almost never sent to Marjee, unless the other stylists are completely busy.
It is a system that works. When customers come in for a second time, they almost always ask for the stylist who styled them the time before. If they want to try a different stylist, then Sugar considers herself a failure and gets kind of depressed. I think it’s the matchmaker in her.
Howard K.
At 1:49 PM,
April Patterson said…
wow, jeremy, thoze a-girlz r snots! i m glad u gave them fake tix. & that shan got them in2 trub.
apes
At 1:49 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your father and his friend Gordon discussing the Crevasse 4X Turbo. It is interesting your father mentioned Gordon Mayes using a notepad to show the price of the car with a special emphasis on his discount. I am sure there is nothing wrong. However, that behaviour is not what car salemen typically do. It is pretty common behaviour for people selling stolen cars. I know your father would never do anything wrong. However, I think I will check my contacts in the Toronto area to see if they know anything about Gordon Mayes. If anything comes up, I will ask them to keep your father out of it.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 1:53 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I think I must have the best, smartest bf in the school!
I'm glad I keep a hairdryer, styling brushes, and a case full of styling products in my locker. I didn't think I'd ever get a swirlie, but I know we girls have to be ready for all manner of hair emergencies!
Dirne
At 1:54 PM,
April Patterson said…
paul, thanx 4 checking out gordon. u can nev. b 2 careful, eh?
apes
At 1:58 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
Don’t worry. I talked to an Officer Luggsworth in the Milborough Police Department and he told me there is no way Gordon Mayes would be moving stolen cars in Milborough without him knowing it. I felt much better after I talked to him. Officer Luggworth said that Gordon Mayes uses an unorthodox method of selling cars he find very successful. He and his clients have a relationship or an understanding. I remembered it was just like what you had written in your writings this morning. So, it was just a misunderstanding. Officer Luggsworth seems a like a fine fellow and spoke very well of you and your family. Maybe I will get to meet him someday, when I meet you and the rest of your family.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 6:35 PM,
April Patterson said…
woot! mom'z got that class 2nite. dad & i r having pizza in the livingroom & watching bad tv!
apes
At 7:24 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, thanx 4 keepin’ up n drama club. i know mirabell kept on tellin’ u2 change wut u were playin’. i think it wuz cuz it wuz the 1st afternoon 4 str8 run-thrus 4 acts i & ii. he had nevah gone thru the play n order b4, he seemed 2b disoriented wen u played the theme frum green acres leadin’ n2 act i scene iii 2 show the set wuz suppozed 2b a green acres kind of heath & then the score from jaws leadin’ n2 macbeth’s 1st entrance n that scene. u covered it pretty well, i thot.
the 1 who wuz rilly disoriented wuz dirne. mirabell & the guy playin’ the porter got n2 it cuz he refused on religious grounds 2 act like he's drunk. the guy playin’ the porter sed, “my religion sez i am not 2 drink.” mirabell sed, “u don’t hafta drink. u just hafta pretend u’ve drunk.” the porter sed, “if i pretend i’ve drunk, then the peeps frum my mosque will think i’ve drunk.” mirabell sed, “u just tell them u haven’t been drinkin’. they can’t b that strict.” the porter sed, “evn the appearance of drinkin’ will offend them.”
then mirabell grabbed dirne & sed, “do u have ne problem w/pretendin’ 2 drink?” dirne sed, “i’m doin’ costumez. izn’t the porter suppozed 2b a guy?” mirabell sed, “the porter just opens doors. it duzn’t hafta b a guy. b-sidez, the costumez r mostly done. wut i need iz a drunkard.” then he pointed 2 the porter & sed, “i need u 2b n macduff’s army. ru allergic to birnam wood or b-ing n an army?” the porter sed he wuzn’t & he actually looked kinda relieved. dirne sed, “this iz not wut i wunted 2 happ, jeremy. i wunted 2b w/u running sound & lites. b-sides this porter’s costume duz not match my skin tonez. they match hiz. i am a lot liter.” i sed, “u’ll b so much better’n that guy. i cud nevah mic him up enuff 4 him 2b heard w/o gettin’ feedback. he’z such a low talker.” dirne sed, “u think i’ll b gud @this?” i sed, “but of course.” dirne sed, “jeremy jones. i’d say ur just sayin’ that xxcept i know u try not 2 lie. so, thanx 4 b-lievin’ i can do sumthing othah than fashion. ur a rilly good bf.” i sed, “& ur a rilly gud gf.” then there wuz sum kissin’ till mirabell sed, “no kissin’ the porter. i had a hard enuff tyme keepin’ lady macbeth & duncan frum givin’ each othah lovey-dovey looks n their scenez 2gethah. try & remembah. i don't sell relationships...i sell shakespeare."
At 7:45 PM,
April Patterson said…
thanx 4 the compliment abt my playing, jeremy. i really thot the theme fr. bewitched clashed w/the mood shakespeare wanted 4 witch scenez, but mirabell was so insisty abt that!
apes
At 7:58 PM,
Anonymous said…
bewitched wuz still better'n the the 3 stooges theme musick brent luggsworth suggested.
At 8:21 PM,
April Patterson said…
i know, he'z such a foob!
apes
At 8:32 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, dirne iz ovah @my place rehearsing her new linez. we r doin' the kiss-memorization method, where she gets a kiss every tyme she can do a new line w/o ne mistakes. it's goin' kinda slowly. dirne iz makin' a lotta mistakes & sumtymez i think it's on purpose. but i'm not complainin'.
At 9:24 PM,
Anonymous said…
But of course I am making mistakes on purpose! A good gf always increases her kiss-opportunities, rules allowing!
Dirne
At 1:41 AM,
Anonymous said…
know what would be fun? If for a goof you started flirting with Anthony. His marage is a wreck anyway, and you could totally mess with the heads of the whole family.
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