Loser!
At brekkie this morning, Mom was trying 2 organize her notes, but she cdn't concentr8 v. well cuz Dad was yammering on & on abt his "memoirs" again. This time he was going on abt the power of "listening", how sumtymez U just really hafta get all quiet & give sum1 a good listen while they tell U all that's going wrong in their life. He said,
Memo 2 Anthony: It's good that U feel like a loser. First step to recovery is admitting U have a prob, eh?
Howard, it's so weird that yr auntie had that precognition thingy abt May 12. Cuz I had one 2, & it was v. v. similar, xcept in mine, it wasn't that the thingz she described happed on May 12. It was that I hadta hear my Mom telling abt thoze events. And in my version, it was part of a longer story she'd been telling @ least for 4 dayz B4 then, & mayB even longer! My vision made me shudder! I wonder what-all that means!
So, like the big opening nite of "The Scottish Play" is 2nite. Wish us "break a leg", eh?
Hm, so now little Rosemary is in luv w/Ger b-cuz she now seez him as this big ol' Viking stud. I M starting 2 think Becky's dad is a v. v. v. bad influence, yo!
Apes
In the next part of my memoir, in the section where I trade in my Bushwhacker, I'm going 2 tell abt how Anthony and I were standing outside. The light had a weird effect that placed our bodies in complete shadow for a moment, as Anhony told me, "She [Thérèse] sed I cd have the house. She sed I cd have the baby." That's when we got out of our shadowy state. Anthony continued, "As if our daughter was sumthing 2 give away. She sed I was the 1 who wanted a house and I was the 1 who wanted a baby--and now I had it all. ...She sed I won." He paused, cast his eyes down sadly (as I returned to shadow), and sed, "But, I feel like such a loser." Elly, note here that I didn't say a thing during all this. I just listened. Listen, listen, listen. Elly, would U say it's important 2 B a good listener?An' Mom looked up from her notes all, "What? Oh, yes, sure, good listener. Important." And went back to her notes. Dad was kinda hmphy an' "Well, I know Everett's going 2 want 2 hear all abt this when I get 2 the clinic!" And he was off.
Memo 2 Anthony: It's good that U feel like a loser. First step to recovery is admitting U have a prob, eh?
Howard, it's so weird that yr auntie had that precognition thingy abt May 12. Cuz I had one 2, & it was v. v. similar, xcept in mine, it wasn't that the thingz she described happed on May 12. It was that I hadta hear my Mom telling abt thoze events. And in my version, it was part of a longer story she'd been telling @ least for 4 dayz B4 then, & mayB even longer! My vision made me shudder! I wonder what-all that means!
So, like the big opening nite of "The Scottish Play" is 2nite. Wish us "break a leg", eh?
Hm, so now little Rosemary is in luv w/Ger b-cuz she now seez him as this big ol' Viking stud. I M starting 2 think Becky's dad is a v. v. v. bad influence, yo!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 10:46 AM
49 Comments:
At 1:08 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings this morning about your noos (father) talking some more to his friend Anthony about his wiijiiwaagan (wife) and baby. Having a mother is very important to the Ojibway. We have a separate word omaamaayihe, which means “has a mother” and there is no word for “has a father.” When I read your writings, I became angry at your noos’ (father’s) friend Anthony’s wiijiiwaagan (wife) for leaving her baby, so she is no longer omaamaayihe (has a mother). A good Ojibway woman would never do such a thing.
Then I read your writings again and I noticed some strange things. I guess it is my training from the Ontario Provincial Police that makes me sometimes read writings a different way. What I noticed was your noos’ (father’s) friend Anthony talks about his house and his baby with the same words. I noticed he puts the house first. I noticed he does not say his baby’s name, when he talks about his baby. A house is not important to my people. The Ojibway words that describe a house can also be used to describe a room, like bangateit means “is a quiet house or room.” For us, a house is just a place where you sleep and get away from the cold. It is not important. When your noos’ (father’s) friend Anthony speaks, the way he says things, tell a lot more about him than the things he says. Your noos (father) is a wise man to listen carefully.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 2:13 PM,
howard said…
April,
It is quite odd you would have precognition about the same thing as my aunt Winifred Kelpfroth about May 12 and in your case I suppose May 8 – 13. I have no idea what it means. I can only hope it is some kind of precognition mistake and nothing disastrous will happen from it.
This morning, I made breakfast for Dr. McCaulay and Becky’s mom Krystle McGuire and Marjee Mahaha, who once again slept with me overnight last night to keep me company. Dr. McCaulay said, “Marjee, you’re here again today. We haven’t hired you to do something around the house, have we? Could you get me a biscuit?” Krystle said, “Ted, darling. She’s Howard’s guest to keep him company while Becky is spending time at the Mayes’ house. She’s not a servant. Howard’s the servant. Ask him for the biscuit.” Dr. McCaulay said, “Oh sorry, Marjee. Howard, get me a biscuit, would you?” I got him one. Dr. McCaulay said, “I am so glad I have you around to keep me straight, Krystle.” Krystle said, “I keep you straight in more than one way, don’t I dear?” Dr. McCaulay said, “That you do. In fact, I am feeling straighter as we talk about it.” Krystle said, “Oh no, Ted. We’ll be late for work again.” Dr. McCaulay said, “We both own our own businesses. They are our babies. We are both winners, but you can make me feel like a winner again.” Krystle said, “Oh Ted. I’m going to give it all to you, right here on the kitchen table.” Marjee and I had to beat a fast retreat from that situation.
I dropped Marjee off at her place and went over to give Thora (Becky’s step mom) her full body massage and to make Rosemary Mayes breakfast.
Rosemary said, “Hoskuld. I am in love.” I said, “With whom? One of your schoolmates?” Rosemary said, “No, Hoskuld. I am in love with Gisli Aloysiusson.” I said, “You mean Gerald?” Rosemary said, “Yes, Hoskuld. He’s cute.” I said, “I think he is already taken.” Rosemary said, “Do you mean by Adalbjorg Ellysdottir?” I said, “You mean April?” Rosemary said, “Yes, Hoskuld. I like Adalbjorg, because she was my baby-sitter. But she is bad for Gisli. If Adalbjorg Ellysdottir marries Gisli, she will leave him. She wants to be a singing animal doctor in Winnipeg, but Gisli wants to stay in Milborough, like me. If Gisli makes her stay in Milborough, he will be like Anthony with Thérèse.” I said, “What do you know about Anthony and Thérèse?” Rosemary said, “Lots. He works for Fafa Gordon. Móðir Tracey says they were stupid to get married, because Anthony is such a woman.” I said, “What? What are you saying?” Rosemary says, “Anthony wants woman stuff, like a house and baby. Móðir Tracey says nobody wants just those things anymore, even women. Móðir Tracey says it’s stupid to make someone want something that no one wants. Gisli wouldn’t have to make me stay in Milborough. I already want to stay.” I said, “Aren’t you a little too young for these kinds of thoughts?”
Rosemary said, “No. Hoskuld. Fafa Thorvald wants Becky-Thora to marry Gisli right now, but that is not smart either.” I said, “Because Becky wants to leave Milborough too?” Rosemary said, “Yes. Hoskuld. You are wise, like Thorvald says.” I said, “So what are you going to do, Rosemary?” Rosemary said, “Please, call me Ragnhild Gordonsdottir.” I said, “OK. What are you going to do, Ragnhild Gordonsdottir?”
Rosemary said, “I asked Móðir Thora what to do and she told me what to say to Fafa Thorvald. When I told it to him, he listened. It is nice when grownups listen.” I said, “Yes, it is. So what did you say to Thorvald?” Rosemary said, “I told Fafa Thorvald Viking Law does not say Becky-Thora has to agree to marry Gisli Aloysiusson, because her fafa makes the choice for her. Fafa Thorvald said, ‘You are right, Ragnhild Gordonsdottir. The choice of Becky-Thora's husband is mine to make by Viking law.’ Then I said in the Icelandic sagas, all five marriages where the girl does not agree with her fafa about her husband end in the death, maiming, or divorce of the husband.” I said, “What happened then?” Rosemary said, “Fafa Thorvald was very quiet. Then he asked me where I learned this. I told him Móðir Thora is very smart about the sagas and marriage.” I said, “What happened then?” Rosemary said, “Fafa Thorvald was quiet again. Then I told Fafa Thorvald, I wanted to marry Gisli, so he should stop trying to get Becky-Thora to marry Gisli.” I said, “So what did Thorvald say?” Rosemary said, “Fafa Thorvald told me I was a very brave Viking girl to disagree with him and he was going to reread the sagas to make sure Móðir Thora was right.”
Anyway, it was a strange morning, and I thought you might be interested in that conversation.
Howard K.
At 2:26 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, break a leg 2nite. @lunch we talked a bit ‘bout wut u rote ‘bout ur dad & anthony & thérèse. it wuz a kinda hard convo 4 me, cuz i know xxactly wut their baby françoise iz gonna go thru. her dad iz gonna h8 her mom & every tyme she duz sumthin’ wrong, it’s gonna b, “ur just like ur mother.” & then wen she duz c her mom, it’s gonna b like she iz a stranger, who looks a lot like u, & makes u wondah if ur dad iz rilly rite ‘bout b-ing like her. only the thing iz, it will b worse 4 françoise than it wuz 4 me cuz it’s her mom & not her dad. every1 xxpects dad’s 2b rotten ‘rents, not moms.
neway, @lunch we all agreed anthony iz not the loser. it’s baby françoise. i can’t talk ‘bout this much more, cuz it makes me feel v.v. sad & dirne sed i wuz gettin’ a little teary @lunch, which iz so not cube. dirne sez a good bf iz allowed 2 cry wen there iz sumthin’ rilly sad that happs, but i don’t wanna do that @skool. if the wrong peeps cu then u get swirlied.
At 3:03 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, i agree w/u that it's baby françoise who's gonna get hurt. when i think of the word "loser" 4 anthony, i think of it as the insult usage, like "omg he is such a loser", not like b-ing the 1 who has lost, like in a contest or a court case, eh?
paul, i think u r v. v. good @ noticing imp. deets other ppl mite miss in the way thingz r sed. u r wise.
apes
At 6:26 PM,
Zandra Larson said…
Hi April,
Duncan and I are having dinner at Tim Horton's right now, if you or Gerald or Jeremy or Dirne want to come over. I think Duncan's stomach has settled down, since he's had the chili and a roll combo (complete with double double and a maple dip). My uncle's at home taking care of my brother, but he says he's boycotting the play anyway since the Scandinavians are the unseen enemy in it. I've won another coffee, so there's plenty of caffeine.
Zandra
At 6:41 PM,
Anonymous said…
zandra, dirne & i will ovah. we cud uze a break b4 the show. dirne's nervous cuz her 'rents r comin' 2c the show & they have nevah seen her do drama b4. talkin' 2 peeps may settle her down. u don't mind if she talks a little 'bout designer fashion i hope? she wunts 2 talk 'bout sumthin' othah than the play 4 a bit.
At 6:53 PM,
Zandra Larson said…
That's fine, Jeremy. Duncan's trying to get over his nerves by reciting the Stanley Cup winners from 1918 onwards. Fashion will be a change.
At 7:34 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, u wud luv this convo:
duncan1918 - toronto arenas
dirne nevah buy clothez n an arena. they r always low quality.
duncan1919 - no decision
dirne exactly. it iz bettah 2 make no decision than a poor fash choice.
duncan1920 -21 - ottawa senators
dirne senatorz r v.v. powerful, but they r v.v. bad dressers, usually. politicianz do not know much ‘bout proper fash, cuz they let their wivez dress them & not sum1 properly trained.
duncan1922 - toronto st. pats
dirne i love st. pats. green iz a good colour 4 me.
At 7:36 PM,
Zandra Larson said…
I think something's happened. Mirabell's started shouting out in the hallway in front of the cafetorium. Now he's stormed in, and he's pacing on the stage, saying "now is the winter of our discontent, made glorious summer by this sun of..." Macbeth cut him off, saying that it's April, and what was he doing onstage anyway?
At 7:51 PM,
Anonymous said…
freakin' mirabell. i'm not set up 2 follow him w/the spot n the hallway n fronta the cafetorium or wanderin' 'round it talkin' 2 peeps. "i don't need 2b mic-ed. my voice iz big enuff 2b heard w/o 1." idiot!
At 7:56 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, mirabell has totally lost it! he thinx he'z playing gloster in richard iii. oh, & sum1 told me that rosalba chick who likez mike's modernizationz is in the audience!
apes
At 8:01 PM,
Zandra Larson said…
I think it's worse than that. He's muttering now about that Michael Patterson. From what I can hear, Michael's mother is in the audience and introduced herself to Mirabell and mentioned Michael and his dramatic work.
Oh no, he's doing Tom of Bedlam from King Lear right now. He's in front of the fan, yelling that he's a'cold. I can't help but expect to see my uncle Arne around here somewhere.
At 8:11 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, my mom just hadta open her yap. i begged her not 2 talk 2 ne1!!!
apes
At 8:28 PM,
Zandra Larson said…
Well, Mirabell's finally off the stage. The head of the English department tried to cover up by saying that Mirabell was the opening act. However, I don't know exactly where Mirabell is right now.
It's a good thing Dirne's helping Jeremy--he's got a huge light rig to work with, along with the sound. April's playing what Mirabell thinks is the "Macbeth Overture" (I think it's the opening riff to "Smells Like Teen Spirit")
At 8:41 PM,
Zandra Larson said…
I'm not on yet for a bit, so I decided to wander around the "backstage" area. I walked into a machine where the fog machine used to be. Duncan just came offstage, and he says that this isn't the fog machine we used before. I'm not sure exactly what it is, but I hope Jeremy knows.
At 8:59 PM,
April Patterson said…
after the riff fr. "smellz like teen spirit", i did the chorus fr. the jesus & mary chain'z "just like honey". now i'm w8ing 4 my next cue."
apes
At 9:11 PM,
Anonymous said…
I think I remember the movie of this play being, well, different. I'm confused!
Eva
At 9:12 PM,
Anonymous said…
My baby sister is going to be so surprised when she realizes that Dee and I came out to see this show!
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:16 PM,
Zandra Larson said…
The new fog machine's backed up, or something. Mirabell's backstage kicking it, and Jeremy's trying to stop him. Mirabell's swearing, "That idiot Larson said this would work! He just bought it from the Canadian Opera Company!" I knew the hand of Arne had to be around here somewhere. I'm on now: it's Act I, scene five. The raven itself is hoarse that croaks the fatal entrance of Duncan under my battlements.
At 9:24 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Oh, man, I cld get used 2 b-ing on stage evry nite! Cube! Eva keeps smiling @ me. I think she recognizes talent.
Mirabell saw Mike in the audience & hes glowering @ him. While hes distracted Jer & I are trying to fix the fog machine. Were putting a knee-hi stocking ovah the vent hose hopefully itll work now.
At 9:32 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Yes! Yes! We have fog! MCDunC rulz!
At 9:36 PM,
Zandra Larson said…
The fog machine just started up, so the leadup to killing Duncan looks really good. Macbeth is announcing his soliloquy onstage and looking at the imaginary dagger Mirabell had Jeremy light on him. Macbeth is squinting really badly, which isn't helping his wooden line reading. I've got to get Duncan bloody for when he gets dragged onstage.
At 9:42 PM,
April Patterson said…
i thot the "stab" music fr psycho wasn't the best choice, but mirabell insisted!
apes
At 9:44 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dunc winked @ me. Was King Duncan supposed to wink?
Eva
At 9:46 PM,
Anonymous said…
I think that Mirabell guy must be a fan of mine! I'll have to be ready to sign an autograph for him after the show!
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:54 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Oh, man, this blood smells worst than usual. I thot Zed wld kiss me aft she put it on me but she started retching instead. WTF did Arne put in it? Im going 2 hafta run down 2 the showers b4 I come back on as 3rd murderer.
At 9:58 PM,
April Patterson said…
i can't c out front, but i heard sum1 in the audience yelling, "they killed dunc! thoze bastards!"
apes
At 9:59 PM,
Zandra Larson said…
Arne must have done something to the blood. It's sticking to Duncan more than it should, and it smells awful. I don't think anyone will notice the sticking-in-one-place part, though, since the fog machine's on full blast now. I just hope they can't smell it. Damn. They can. The front two rows are starting to choke.
At 10:05 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Oh, man. My acting careers ovah. King Duncan isnt supposed 2 coff & hack while hes lying ded on stage. I no Upchuck Wallace has sumthing 2 do with this.
L8r. Got 2 hit the shower quick b4 Mirabell decides 2 freak @ me. Hes still staring @ Mike. I think he mite b starting 2 foam @ the mouth.
At 10:07 PM,
April Patterson said…
i think i just heard dunc's mom in the crowd yelling, "i can do triage!"
apes
At 10:14 PM,
Zandra Larson said…
The cafetorium's getting pretty smoggy right now. Jeremy's trying to work the lights, but everything now looks dull red. The stage is covered with blood. Mirabell's dressed in a helmet and breastplate and walking around the stage, but with all the fog, no-one can tell that it isn't part of the play. I'm supposed to be encouraging Macbeth to act normal at the banquet scene, but he keeps backing away from me since I couldn't get the stage blood off my hands. All the antibacterial soap in the world can't clean the stuff off my hands. Something just crashed in the audience. I think someone's trying to escape.
At 10:17 PM,
Anonymous said…
April, I think I heard your brother yelling, "Get me out of here! I'm a delicate genius! Canada needs me! Out of my way!" I think he knocked some people over.
Eva
At 10:21 PM,
Zandra Larson said…
I just got a text message from my brother. The little creep wanted to know if we liked the blood: he said that he put it in the microwave before Arne dropped it off. If I survive this I'm going to kill both of them. Mirabell's got a prop sword now, and has joined the murderers in Act III. Nobody's noticed since Duncan hasn't gotten back from the shower, and if he's smart he'll stay there. Oh hell. He didn't stay there.
At 10:31 PM,
duncan anderson said…
OMG. I blew my cue. I ran onstage but Mirabell was already there so there were 2 many murderers. Mirabell swore @ me & was abt 2 try 2 behead me w/ his prop sword, but then he saw Mike get up & yell sumthing abt being a genius. Then Mirabell totally losts it. He jumped off stage & chased Mike out of the cafetorium.
At least Im dun. Im going 2 go hang w/ Birnam Wood. I think they went out 4 a smoke break.
At 10:33 PM,
Anonymous said…
HA-ha!
Charles Wallace Larson
At 10:38 PM,
Zandra Larson said…
Mirabell started swearing when there were four murderers on stage. Macbeth thought that was the cue for him to come in. Banquo was already there waiting to be killed, so we had six armed men onstage. Duncan ran offstage when Mirabell lunged for him. Then Mirabell stopped, looked into the audience, or what he could see of it, and screamed "You can't run from me, Michael Patterson!" Then he waved the guys on stage over to him and said, "Once more into the breach! Come wind, come wrack, at least we'll die with harness on our back!" and then jumped into the audience to go after Michael Patterson. There was a lot of screaming, and then Constable Luggsworth starting yelling since Macbeth had just breached his recognizance: he wasn't supposed to have any weapons. I stayed onstage and tried to get Jeremy to mike me up louder so I could get my lines out over the fight in the audience.
At 10:54 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Oh, man, Birnam Wood has sum rilly fine BC Bud, but Im afraid Ill catch on fire fr st00pid blood remains. I still stink. W8 till I c Bratto2 2morrow.
OMG. Mike just ran in2 the parking lot. Mirabell, Macduff, Banquo, First Murderer & Second Murderer r running after Mike. Mirabells swinging his prop sword & screaming @ Mike.
WTF? Luggie just came out 2, & hes got handcuffs on Macbeth. Birnam Woods put out the forest fire rilly quick & is going back inside.
At 10:59 PM,
Zandra Larson said…
I'm stuck onstage with what's left of the cast: the witches, Lady Macduff, Dirne, and Donalbain. The carbon monoxide detectors have gone off, and people are starting to go for the exits. Luckily the audience started to thin out after the blood smell went through the room. I think we'd better get out now, although with the problems we've been having, I think my mother's going to be busy in the parking lot with the ambulances.
I don't think Mirabell's going to be doing Anthony and Cleopatra next school year.
At 11:04 PM,
duncan anderson said…
The alarms went off b4 I got back inside. Theres already 3 ambulances here & I can hear more sirens. My mom & Dr. Larson r giving peeps oxygen.
Zed, Apes, Jer, where r u? I cant find ne1 so Im going ovah 2 Horny Ts. Meet me there.
L8r.
At 11:06 PM,
Anonymous said…
dirne decided 2 do sum of her porter part while she wuz openin' the door for peeps 2 leave & so we can air out the cafetorium frum this fog machine that won't stop makin' fog.
At 11:12 PM,
Anonymous said…
my mom & dad r gettin' oxygen. i don't think they liked my dramatic debut. anon, anon! I pray you, remember the porter kindly.
At 11:19 PM,
Anonymous said…
u know i rilly h8 it wen u unplug a machine & it keeps on goin'. but zandra finally told me this izn't this an official skool property fog machine but a freakin' canadian opera company fog machine her uncle arne don8ed. that meanz i don't hafta b mr. nice guy nemore. this fog machine iz goin' down.
At 11:19 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Oh, man. Im rilly boned. I just remembered y I joined drama club. I dont think the judge is going 2 b v. impressed by this performance.
At 11:30 PM,
duncan anderson said…
OMG. We r the lead story on the Mboro Late News. Theres no sound on the tv @ Horny Ts, but I just saw one shot of Mirabell in handcuffs & another of peeps w/ oxygen masks.
I think 2morrow & Friday's performances r off.
At 11:37 PM,
Anonymous said…
they got a good shot of me takin' a knife 2 the fog machine cablez.
At 12:40 AM,
Anonymous said…
i just got back n2 the skool 2c wut the damage iz. water-based fog machine so no real fog damage, but a lotta water damage on the cafetorium stage frum the fire fiters. 4tun8ly the sound equipment & the liting board were n the back of the cafetorium so they didn't get spritzed. i am so boned. i just realized, since mirabell got arrested, i'm not gonna get paid 4 this gig. time 2 get dirne home.
At 2:00 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, dirne’s ‘rents were rilly upset ‘bout the play. i thot it wuz cuz of mirabell goin’ crazy & the faulty fog machine & that nasty fake blood, but it wuzn’t. dirne’s dad sed, “dirne. u were wearin’ men’s clothez, not designer & actin’ like ur drunk n public. a proper gf duzn’t do that.” dirne’s mom sed, “ur noze wuz painted red, which iz definitely not the current style.” dirne sed, “wen ur an actress u can’t alwayz wear designer or proper makeup or evn women’s clothez.” dirne’s ‘rents sed, “ur not suppozed 2b an actress. u have been trained 2b a wife, a mom, a homeowner & sum1 who appreci8s & particip8s n the finer thingz n life. u will not b actin’ nemore.” i sed, “u don’t hafta worry. they arrested the drama club director 2nite. i am pretty sure our next performances r cancelled.” then dirne’s ‘rents turned red n the face & sed, “u. ur the cause of this. b4 u, dirne alwayz dressed rite & behaved rite n public.” dirne’s mom sed, “well there wuz the tyme wen we were close 2 a tornado.” dirne’z dad sed, “that duzn’t count. the point iz, ur a bad nfluence on dirne. she iz not allowed 2cu nemore.” i sed, “wut? cuz of drama club?” dirne sed, “i like drama, dad. i mite wanna b an actress.” dirne’z mom sed, “merciful heavenz. how cud u b-tray us like that? it’s 1 thing 2 mbarrass urself n a public place that iz mainly covered up by artificially generated fog, but an actress 4 a livin’. u mite az well hang a sign on urself that sez ‘i’m a whore.’” i sed, “i don’t think professional actresses r whorez, mrs. aufkleber.” dirne’z mom sed, “but of course, u wudn’t. get out! b4 u taint dirne nemore.” dirne sed, “no. i’m n love w/jeremy.” dirne’z dad sed, “thass more proof. a proper gf wud nevah say such a thing 2 her bf aftah less than 3 months of d8in’. ur nevah 2c this boy again.” i sed, “but i love dirne 2.” dirne sed, “u do?” dirne’z ‘rents grabbed me & threw me outa their house & slammed the door. i cud hear dirne cryin’ & then i finally hadta go home. this nite haz rilly stunk.
At 3:09 AM,
Anonymous said…
rebeccah, no offence, but ur terrible @makin' peeps feel bettah. mebbe i shud talk 2 dr. patterson. he seemz 2 have done a gr8 job w/anthony caine.
At 3:16 AM,
howard said…
April,
Judging from what you posted and what I saw on the news, you had a very trying evening. My evening has been quite trying also, but for different reasons. After I finished my late evening act, Thorvald McGuire came into my dressing room and said, “Hoskuld. I need to speak with you.” I said, “Don’t call me Hoskuld. What do you want to talk about?” Thorvald said, “I have decided that Adalbjorg Ellysdottir can be Gisli Aloysiusson’s first wife.” I said, “That’s very exciting Thorvald. However, I think even you should realize that according to Viking law, April’s fastnandi (the person responsible for wedding negotiations) would be her father and not you.” Thorvald said, “Yes. But I am the fastnandi for Becky-Thora, and I have decided she will marry you and not Gisli Aloysiusson.”
I was in complete shock. Thorvald said, “It is clear to anyone who has viewed your naked performances here at the Valhalla every night, that you have the equipment necessary to produce fine Viking children with Becky. Besides you have red hair like Thor and you are well-versed in the Icelandic sagas.” I recovered from the shock and said, “Do you remember the time we were in jail together at all? I would think that of all people you would appreciate the fact I am gay.” Thorvald said, “I have a memory like Munin, Odin’s raven, known for his ability to remember things. Your extracurricular pursuits are not of interest to me.” I said, “I think Becky is planning to pursue her musical career, not marriage and children with a gay guy.” Thorvald said, “Are you turning down my Becky-Thora? I will have to reclaim her honour by taking blood-vengeance on you.” I said, “That would be a very bad idea. I am a lot younger than you are and I have a tendency to lose control in fights. Plus you need me as a back up for Arne the magician, whose show behaviour is becoming increasingly more erratic.” Thorvald said, “First you disparage Becky-Thora and now Arne. The old people love Arne.” I said, “You know what I mean.”
Thorvald sighed and said, “You are Hoskuld, the wise. I see you are trying to negotiate a lesser price for Becky by pretending not to want to marry her, even though I know you are her true love. Do you wish me to set the mundr (the bride-price) to the minimum? I cannot remove the obligation of the morgengifu (morning gift for sexual availability) since Becky is a virgin.” I said, “First of all. Don’t call me Hoskuld. Second of all, Becky is underage.” Thorvald said, “She is close to the age of consent.” I said, “You are not her legal guardian. Her mother is.” Thorvald said, “Krystle will abide by my wishes or taste my axe.” I said, “Krystle wants Becky to marry money, and I am sure even an axe will not sway her.” Thorvald said, “By Thor’s mighty hammir Mjolnir, you are right about that. She has a truly fearful countenance when crossed. You will have to wait until Becky-Thora is 18, unless…” I said, “No. No crazy schemes.” Thorvald said, “It would be so simple. All I would need is a goat, a chicken and 5 rolls of duct tape.”
I said, “No. Becky already has a boyfriend.” Thorvald said, “Under Viking law, a woman is allowed to engage in extramarital sex, so long as she does not get pregnant from it. Becky-Thora can continue to date and gain sexual experiences, and still be engaged to marry you.” I said, “Is this some kind of bizarre way to insure I continue to work at the Valhalla?” Thorvald said, “Hoskuld. Such an accusation hurts me deeply, just as the Midgard Serpent hurt Thor with his poison, during the day of Ragnarok.” I said, “Thorvald. If you are serious, and this is not some scheme of yours, I will promise to talk to Becky about your request. That’s all I can do.” Thorvald said, “Very well, Hoskuld. I will take that answer for now.” As he walked out , Marjee Mahaha walked in and said, “What was that all about?” I said, “He wants me to marry Becky.” Marjee said, “What? You didn’t say ‘yes’ did you?” I said, “No. I didn’t say yes.I told him I would talk to Becky about it.”
Marjee seemed to be pretty upset by Thorvald’s request. When we got to the house, she lifted weights pretty hard and then she said she wanted to sleep over again, since Becky was still at the Mayes’. I have a lot of things to talk about with Becky. I can’t wait until she doesn’t have to stay at the Mayes’ house anymore.
Howard K.
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