Liez 2 Honest Guys
OMG, shoot me. Shoot me now! I heard the whole Gordo-Anthony car-trade/soap opera again! K, so this time, Mom was sitting w/Connie @ the kitchen table & they were talkin' abt the writing class again. Mom'z already dun the photo/memory assignment, an' she was all giving Connie suggestionz abt what Connie shd write. "Connie, U know what U shd use? A picture of Lawrence from 1993, when he came out of the closet. U cd write abt how difficult it was and how much we, yr dear friends & neighbourz, helped U all thru it! & U cd go in2 how U named yr dog 'Sera' for 'que sera sera'!" Connie looked annoyed & I think she was abt 2 tell Mom off (that wda been so cube!), but just then (of course) Dad ambled over 2 them, all "Ladies! U R discussing yr craft again! I'll have U know that U've inspired me 2 pen my own memoirs! Tho I suppose 'pen' is the wrong word, since I'll eventually use the 'box' 2 write theze babies out. So I guess I'll 'ticka-tappa' my memoirz, eh? But NEway, I've started 2 use this microrecorder 2 sort out my thots. I've started w/my recent trip 2 Mayes Midtown Motorz 2 trade in the cherished Bushwhacker." (I'm pretty sure I saw Connie roll her eyez @ Mom when Dad sed this.) "Here, ladies, listen." Then he snapped that thing on & I hadta hear EVERYTHING ALL OVER AGAIN! (I was having brekkie during all this.) Then there was a new bit he'd added:
Becks, yikes on seeing Gordo squeezed in2 spandex. Did U hafta wash yr eyez & brain after that?
Apes
As we left the restaurant, I asked Anthony, gently, "Yr wife has moved out?!" And poor Anthony, he told me, "There'z been sum1 else 4 quite a while. --Sum1 she works with. She rented and furnished an apartment w/him. Last week, she packed her thingz & left. If I think abt it, the signz were everywhere. But...I never suspected a thing. She alwayz had xcuses--and I believed everything she sed!" At this point we were standing outside, gazing at the giant pine tree on the horizon. I put my hand on Anthony's back, in a reassuring gesture, and told him, "It's easy 2 lie 2 an honest guy."That's when I sed, "Oh, like when U told Anthony U were proud of him?" And Dad was, all, "No! I am proud of Anthony!" And he started 2 tell me Y he'z proud, but I told him I was in a huge, huge hurry 2 get 2 school, & I got myself outta there as fast as I cd.
Becks, yikes on seeing Gordo squeezed in2 spandex. Did U hafta wash yr eyez & brain after that?
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 9:18 AM
16 Comments:
At 10:07 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings this morning about your noos (father) talking some more to his friend Anthony about his wiijiiwaagan (wife) bizhigwaadizi (having an affair). I must admit I was gaawam (jealous) of him getting your noos’ (father’s) trust, when he said it was easy to lie to an honest guy like his friend Anthony was nibwaakaawinini (an honest man), which means his wiijiiwaagan (wife) had been gagiinawishkaadizi (a liar). I do not wish to disagree too much with your noos (father). However, in my people, a nibwaakaawinini (an honest man) is not the same as an apenimonodaw (a trusting man). I think I am a nibwaakaawinini (an honest man) too, but I do not think I would be apenimonodaw (a trusting man) to not realize my wiijiiwaagan (wife) was spending money on an apartment or furniture, if I had a wiijiiwaagan (wife), which I do not. Apartment rent and furniture are expensive. Also, as I understand it, your father’s friend Anthony is an accountant, so he should know when a lot of money is regularly missing in his family accounts. I would like to think your noos (father), when he said, “It's easy to lie to an honest guy,” he was talking about himself being nibwaakaawinini (an honest man) and his friend Anthony being gagiinawishkaadizi (a liar).
I do not know why, but I do not like his friend Anthony, even though I have never met him. It is unlike me. I have been feeling aakozi (sick) this week, and today I am feeling more aakozi (sick). I hope you are feeling well and your eyes are healing from your accident on Sunday.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 10:21 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, ur dad's story may b borin' 2u 2 hear ovah & ovah again, but it iz xxcitin' 2 me. netime he iz spendin' yakkin' w/anthony or talkin' 'bout yakkin' w/anthony iz tyme he iz not spendin' test-drivin' that crevasse. i can walk the streets w/o fear.
dirne iz pumped 2day. she sed, "it's the final dress rehearsal 4 mac...the scottish play." it iz so weird, april. i have been w/her all morning & she haz not sed word 1 'bout fashion. all she haz talked 'bout iz drama club. i wondah if she'z sick or sumthin'.
also, 1 of the few tymez i agree w/ur sis' bf. i think old man anthony iz feedin' ur dad a whole crevasse-load of bs 'bout hiz wife. we all know he'z tryin' 2 get ur sis' current phone number & e-mail address outa ur dad, aftah she changed it last fall. i hope ur dad didn't tell him that.
At 12:11 PM,
April Patterson said…
paul, i think that is a v. v. gd pt abt "honest" vs. "trusting". i guess my dad thinx that honest peeps xpect other peeps 2 b honest, 2. &, like, he prolly thinx liarz xpect 2 b lied 2. but i'm not sure cuz he didn't say. but i think u r rite, & i don't blame u 4 not liking anthony. i don't like him either.
jeremy, i agree. i so hope dad did not fall 4 anth's trix & give him lizzie's e-mail or #.
i wdn't worry abt dirne. i heard her telling sum1 that her porter costume is "xquisite".
apes
At 2:12 PM,
howard said…
April,
This morning, I made breakfast for Dr. McCaulay and Becky’s mom Krystle McGuire and Marjee Mahaha, who slept overnight last night to keep me company. Dr. McCaulay said, “You’re looking good Becky. That’s a nice tan and the muscles are really developing.” Krystle said, “Ted, darling. That’s not Becky, that’s Marjee her ½ sister.” Dr. McCaulay said, “Oh sorry, Becky. You are so right again, Krystle, my little honey bunch. What would I do without you?” Krystle said, “I don’t know, but it would be more miserable without you.” Dr. McCaulay said, “No. It would be more miserable without you.” Krystle said, “No. Without you and your big, hard….” Then they started kissing and undressing and Marjee and I had to get out of there before we saw things we didn’t want to see.
I dropped Marjee off at her place and went over to give Thora (Becky’s step mom) her full body massage and to make Rosemary Mayes blueberry pancakes for breakfast. Rosemary said, “I don’t want blueberries. I want a Viking fruit in my pancakes.” I said, “What is a Viking fruit?” Rosemary said, “I don’t know. I will ask móðir Thora.” Rosemary came back from talking to Thora and said, “Móðir Thora says when the Vikings were In Iceland, no fruits grew, so any fruit would have been called apple, because it was the only fruit most Vikings had ever heard of.” I said, “So, you want apple, Rosemary?” Rosemary said, “No. Blueberries. But I will call them apples. Also Mr. Hoskuld, my name is now Ragnhild Gordonsdottir.” I said, “You prefer that to Rosemary?” Rosemary said, “Yes. Ragnhild means one who is wise in battle. Móðir Thora says I am good with an axe and when I grow up I will throw axes at my husband, like she does.” I said, “What a lovely thought for a 6-year-old to have.” Rosemary continued, “I learned all about Ragnhild. There was one Ragnhild, who was the daughter of Moddan in Dale. Ragnhild, got a lot of land in Caithness and Sutherland when her brother, Harold Ungi, Jarl in Orkney and Earl of Caithness died. There was another Ragnhild, who was the Queen of Denmark, who married Harald Hårfagre (the fair-haired) the king of Norway. King Harald had a lot of wives, but he rid of them all, when he married Queen Ragnhild. Her baby was Eirik Blodøks (Eirik Blood-axe). There was another Ragnhild, who was a Jotun or giant.” I said, “You have learned a lot. I am sure there is a Rosemary just as famous as those Ragnhild.” Rosemary said, “Who?” I said, “I would have to research it, but off the top of my head, there is Rosemary Clooney.” Rosemary said, “Did she throw an axe?” I said, “No she was a singer.” Rosemary said, “I would rather throw an axe. They are way cube.” It was a disturbing breakfast. On the way to school, Rosemary talked about all things Viking.
After dropping Rosemary off at school, I headed to work. When I got to Sugar’s salon, I received a strange phone call. Sugar said, “It’s for you Howard.” I said, “Who is it?” Sugar said, “You wouldn’t believe me.” I said, “Hello. This is Howard.” I immediately recognized the voice of Maynard Mahoney, Marjee Mahaha’s ex-boyfriend, now incarcerated. He said, “Howard. I think I may have a problem with Marjee.” I said, “Because you’re in jail and she broke up with you?” Maynard said, “No. I’ve heard Marjee has moved out of our old place.” I said, “Well, yes. Maynard. The old place reeked of pot and beer. She only stayed there because you liked it.” Maynard said, “I’ve heard there is someone else in her life. And she has been with him for quite awhile.” I said, “Maynard. Marjee did not cheat on you with someone else. You were put in jail, remember?” Maynard said, “I think she was with this guy before I was put in jail and maybe this guy is the reason I was put in jail.” I said, “Accept responsibility for your own actions. You’ve been in and out of jail for as long as I have known you.”
Maynard said, “Howard. This guy. I’ve heard it’s someone she works with.” I said, “This is just nonsense, Maynard. Marjee works in a hair salon. The only guy she works with is me.” Maynard said, “You, Howard? Did you rent and furnish an apartment with Marjee?” I said, “No. I help Marjee move her stuff into her newer cleaner apartment, which she pays for herself.” Maynard said, “I should have known. If I had thought about it, the signs were everywhere. But…I never suspected a thing. Marjee always had excuses. ‘You’re in jail Maynard. You can’t keep a job Maynard. You’re always high Maynard. You haven’t had a bath in over a week, Maynard.’ I believed everything she said, because it is easy to lie to an honest guy.” I said, “I think all those things you mentioned were true. I hope you’re not saying you’re an honest guy, considering everyone knows about what you did to get in jail.”
Maynard said, “No. Howard. It is all clear to me now. I am honest. I am completely innocent. Everything that happened to me is because Marjee was seeing you.” I said, “Um. Maynard. I am gay, remember?” Maynard said, “And…?” I said, “Marjee is a girl.” Maynard said, “And…?” I said, “Do you know what ‘gay’ means.” Maynard said, “Sorry. Howard. Prison life kind of blurs those definitions for me.” I said, “I know just what you mean. Outside of prison, ‘gay’ means Marjee is not seeing me romantically.” Maynard said, “So, you’re not spending time together outside of work?” I said, “Well, yes. We are. We lift weights together.” Maynard yelled, “She lifts weights with you!! Oh man. I thought Marjee told me she would never lift weights with a man other than me. It is so easy to lie to an honest guy.” I said, “I don’t think weight-lifting means romantic interest.” Maynard said, “To lift weights with Marjee and say it’s not romantic? She is so hott when she lifts. What kind of man are you?” I said, “A gay man?” Maynard said, “You disgust me. I spit on your lame excuses.”
Sugar interrupted and said to me, “That’s enough Howard. You have customers waiting.” I said, “I have to go back to work. Nice talking to you Maynard.” Maynard said, “Um…are going to keep on sending me those prison-approved cookies?” I said, “Yes. Maynard. You still get your cookies.” Maynard said, “Good.” Then he hung up. Marjee said to me, “What was that about?” I said, “Maynard thinks we are romantically involved because we lift weights together.” Marjee said, “Interesting. I wonder where he got that idea.” And then she had the most peculiar smile on her face. Anyway, back to work.
Howard K.
At 2:55 PM,
April Patterson said…
ger, i hope u r telling mr. mcguire 2 step off w/all this talk abt u marrying becks.
apes
At 3:08 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, wen dirne sez her porter costume iz "xquisite", u hafta unnerstand she iz still talkin’ ‘bout how she took the old porter costume & haz altered it 2 fit her body. it’s still not designer tho. she wunted 2 get sumthin’ designer, but mirabell told her “no” cuz porters were not well-dressed peeps n shakespeare’z tyme.
dirne haz been nvitin’ every1 2 come 2 the play 2morrow nite. her ‘rents r gonna b there & she evn got my mom 2 get my future dad & future sis 2 agree 2 come frum TO 2c it. @lunch, we were talkin’ ‘bout it w/the usual lunch crowd. shannon sed, “i…can’t…c…it…the…1st…nite. my…mom…sez…i…can…c…the…show…wen…u…do…it…4…the…skool…on…thursday…or…friday.” dirne sed, “thass 2 bad. jeremy’s litin’ fx look the best @nite. my perfect bf iz so gud w/lites.” eva sed, “i don’t wanna c it @all. duncan iz gonna b n it w/her.” i sed, “her?” eva sed, “sandra ‘manstealin’ beyotch’ larson.” i sed, “i think she goez by zandra, but duncan calls her ‘zed’.” eva sed, “ur missin’ the point, jeremy.” i sed, “wut iz that?” eva sed, “duncan & sandra r wrong 4 each othah. the signz r everywhere, but u guyz keep making xxcuses 4 them.”
vicki simone sed, “face it eva. u gotta do more than just smirk @a guy 2 get them. w/gordie & me, it wuz dental work scrapin’ against a bare face that brot us 2gethah.” we all went, “eww! ouch!” vicki sed, “wut can i say? i have unusual tastes.” shannon sed, “w/…justin…&…me, it…wuz…the…sound…of…hiz…voice…az…he…read…me…books.” i sed, “ur computer program?” shannon sed, “he’z…gonna…hafta…do…till…my…mom…&…dad…lemme…d8…a…real…guy…like…u.”
eva sed, “xxcuses. xxcuses. she’z goth. he’z hip-hop. i dunno y u guys think it can work. i am sum1 duncan works w/n the band. he shud b w/me.” i sed, “c’mon eva. ur a gr8 girl. u shud just let this thing w/duncan go.” eva sed, “ur rite jeremy. i think i will go 2 all the performances of ur play. & everytyme sandra iz on stage, i will give her a little cheer & wish her a long & happy relationship w/duncan.” i sed, “u will?” eva sed, "jeremy. jeremy. jeremy. it's ez 2 lie 2 an honest guy like u.” shannon sed, “i…think…u…mean…gullible.” vicki sed, “or naïve.” dirne sed, “i prefer innocent.” shannon sed, “or…patsy.” vicki sed, “or simple-minded.” dirne sed, “or virginical.” then every1 started laffin’ @that 1, includin’ eva, but not includin’ me.
At 3:20 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
I hope Tracey is not having explicit sex talk in front of Paul. I remember the conversations I used to have with my mother about techniques my father used on her, that usually put me off my dinner. It also made it really difficult to concentrate on homework.
Unfortunately for me, even though Drew Fontaine has lost his interest in all things Viking (which I honestly don't blame him for. Brennevin is nasty stuff), he has not lost interest in all things McGuire, as far as work out facilities, raiding the refrigerator and leaving mounds of laundry go. I took away the naked juice, which just meant he drank everything else he could get his hands on, including my cooking wine. So, I am going to have to go back to the naked juice, so we can keep other liquids in the house untouched.
As for your father wanting to set you up with Gerald, I swear I have told him a thousand times that Gerald is committed to April. The signs are everywhere, but he just ignores them and me. Some people do what they want to do and then make excuses later.
Howard K.
At 5:54 PM,
Anonymous said…
oh, hey, howard k, u're becky mcguire's housekeeper, eh? drew fontaine told me u post here. if u find a red velvet scrunchie in the cabana or in the gym or in becky's bungalow, cd u give it 2 drew 4 me?
thanx,
kara krestmacher
At 7:24 PM,
howard said…
Ms. Krestmacher,
I presume you are the girl who left the lipstick-stained diet soda cans throughout the gym that I found when I got home from work. I found the red velvet scrunchie in the shower in Becky's bungalow. I will leave it for Drew to pick up along with his latest load of laundry. If you ever come to Becky's house again, you should remember to put the empty soda cans into the recycling bin and that you will probably be bit by a dog.
Howard K.
At 7:27 PM,
Anonymous said…
April and friends--
I have been thinking about Anthony's news all day long. I feel so bad for him. Being cheated on is the worst. I should know. Now I understand why Anthony wanted to ask me to wait for him. He must have sensed somehow that Therese was going to wreck their marriage. Now it all makes sense.
I wonder how he will be able to handle being a single parent? That baby is going to need a mother. Poor Francoise! Poor Anthony!
Liz
At 9:57 PM,
April Patterson said…
i dunno, liz. i thot it was pretty crap of anthony 2 b, like, planning 2 have u on hold while he w8ed 4 his marriage 2 fall apart. mayB he was even being, like, xtra passive-aggressive w/her, all the while hoping she'd do sumthing like this so he cd come off like the nice guy who'd been hurt.
i'd b v. v. careful around him if i were u. remember how he dumped all this in yr lap this past summer when u were s00per freaked out.
apes
p.s. ger, u haven't answered me. did u tell thorvald 2 step off abt the marrying-becky thing? or r u 2 bizzy being all "i luv vikings"?
At 10:34 PM,
howard said…
April,
I got a very strange call from my aunt Winnie Kelpfroth tonight. She said, “The oddest thing happened yesterday night, Howard. I don’t know how to describe it.” I said, “What happened?” She said, “It was like I could see into the future.” I said, “When was it?” My aunt said, “It was May 12.” I said, “May 12. How can you be so sure of the date?” My aunt said, “It’s precognition. You don’t question these things.”
I said, “OK. What happened?” My aunt said, “I saw the apartment upstairs from us. Our landlady Lovey was there, playing with the little boy who lives up there, as she usually does.” I said, “And what else?” My aunt said, “There were toys on the floor, and there was a lady in a rocking chair talking to our landlady and telling her ‘Thanks for being such a good friend to my children.’ Then Lovey said, ‘It’s a pleasure. Such nice kids.’ I said, “So the lady in the rocking chair was the mother of the kids?” My aunt said, “No. She was older. At first I thought I was seeing far into the future, but the little boy looked about the same age he does now. Not only that, but the lady did not have oversized lips, like their mother does.” I said, “That’s curious. Then what happened?”
My aunt said, “Well, then it was like I was outside the window on the upstairs apartment listening in, but I could still hear our landlady clearly. She said, ‘It gives me something to do besides worry. I’m tired of looking after these houses, Elly.’” “Elly?” I said. “The lady in the chair must be Elly Patterson, the mother of Michael Patterson who lives upstairs from you.” My aunt said, “His mother. Well she must live pretty far away and doesn’t see her grandson very often; since I don’t think I have ever seen her before. The little boy obviously was much more comfortable playing with Lovey than with her.” I said, “No. They live in the same town I live in. I thought you met her when you came to Milborough some months ago, for that party?” My aunt said, “I don’t think so. I think this is the first time I have seen her, and it was only a precognition. You would think a grandmother who lived so close would visit her grandchildren more often. Their other grandmother is loud and obnoxious, but she is here all the time.” I said, “She was busy with her bookstore, but she sold it recently to have more time. So then what happened?”
My aunt said, “Well then I could see Lovey and the other lady pretty closely. Lovey said, ‘If I had all good tenants, I’d be happy. Your boy and Josef Weeder are good ones, but the people downstairs give me pains!’” I said, “Wow! What kind of pains do you give her?” My aunt said, “The usual pains, where one neighbour complains about another and expects the landlady to fix the problem.” I said, “Same old story, you’ve told me before. They don’t like uncle Mel smoking and they don’t like it when you pound the ceiling to let them know they are being too noisy, so they are constantly on your landlady’s case. So what happened next?”
My aunt said, “Well the other lady gets up and reaches for Lovey’s coffee cup and she says, ‘Can’t you evict them?’ Then Lovey says, ‘Hah! They know their rights, Elly. And…they have so many rights!’ Then the little boy tries to rip the head off one of his dolls.” I said, “Hmm! She keeps on calling her Elly by name. I guess Elly doesn’t visit very often, if Lovey is using that old memory trick. Is Lovey trying to evict you, still?” My aunt said, “She filed a grievance with the eviction notice about the ceiling damage last year from the time Mel hit it too hard with the broom. We paid for our ceiling to be repaired, so now she doesn’t have grounds for eviction. We are lucky we live in a country, Howard, that doesn’t throw people homeless on the street just because they knock a little plaster off their ceiling.” I said, “You’re so right there. Well, what happened next?”
My aunt said, “Well then I could see Lovey again really close and the mole on her chin was about the size of her pearl earring. It was so large, it made the other lady step back with a look of fear on her face. Then she said, ‘Sigh….It just isn’t right.’” I said, “It isn’t right that you have rights, or it isn’t right that you know what your rights are?” My aunt said, “I guess ‘the know the rights’ part, because if Mel and I didn’t know our rights, we would be kicked out of our home on the street.” I said, “Why are you still there? The upstairs neighbours are noisy and the landlady doesn’t think you should have rights.” My aunt said, “Howard. This is just a precognition. It doesn’t mean anything. Between now and May 12, things could change. Lovey might like us again, like in the days when she realized how the upstairs neighbours were stiffing her on her rent by continuing to only pay the discounted rent she gave them when they weren’t both employed full time.” I said, “I don’t know. It sounds like an extremely clear precognition. I think you and uncle Melville may need to keep your housing options open.” Aunt Winnie said, “Howard. How many times do I have to tell you? Our neighbours grouse and complain all the time and nothing ever happens from it and nothing ever will. Don’t worry.” I told her I would try not to worry.
Anyway, since the precognition involved your mom, I thought you might like to know about it.
Howard K.
At 11:02 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i know it wuz a ruff nite 4u. u know i am not good w/girlz who r cryin’ so i hope u unnerstand that wen dirne came ovah 2cyu were cryin’ that i kinda let her handle it nstead of me. mr. mirabell wuz ruff on every1 2nite. he yelled @me wen i told him i wuzn’t changin’ the lites nemore cuz it wuz final dress rehearsal & we didn’t have nemore tyme 2 practice changes. he yelled @dirne 4 soundin’ 2 much like a girl porter than a boy porter. he evn put duncan n tearz 4 a little bit. @least i think i saw his purple lips quiverin’. so, wen he yelled @u ‘bout the musick, i didn’t xxpect u2 start cryin’.
wen i went ovah 2c wut wuz wrong, i wuz v.v. surprized wen u sed, “y izn’t ger telling mr. mcguire 2 step off w/all this talk ‘bout ger marrying becks? it happs again & again & ger alwayz haz xxcuses & i try 2 b-lieve him. am i missin’ the signz? iz ger tryin’ 2b w/becks & not me? i don’t wanna end up like anthony caine.” u cud prolly tell i wuz surprized wen i sed, “this duzn’t have nethin’ 2 do w/mirabell yellin’ @u?” then u xxplained 2 me, “no, jeremy. mirabell iz like a quiet little electrified rodent compared 2 wen my mom yellz.” i thot that wuz kinda funny, but u weren’t laffin’. so, thass y i told u that u wud nevah, evah b like anthony, cuz u were way smarter & funnier & u wudn’t evah let the hair on ur lip grow like hiz duz. u seemed 2 think that wuz funny, but i wuz tellin’ the truth. 4tun8ly, dirne got there & u2 hadda nice talk ‘bout how a proper gf reprimandz her bf, w/o destroyin’ the relationship. it wuz pretty educational, i thot.
neway, i saw ur post & i'm glad 2c ur takin' dirne'z advice 'bout bringin' it up again w/ger, aftah u have had sum tyme 2 cool down. i hope ur feelin' bettah.
At 11:31 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes!
OMG! The Scottish play is 2morrow! Im so nervous. I hope I dont have stage frite. I have 2 do 2 parts, Duncan & 3rd Murderer. OMG! Ive bn freaking so much my rents say its cube 4 me 2 go ovah 2 Zeds 2 rehearse.
L8r.
P.S. Liz I dont want 2 b rude 2 a person in a position of authority but if I was a rude d00d Id say u r wacked.
At 12:06 AM,
howard said…
Becky,
Your fostering is extended? I miss having my bud around. The house is pretty lonely without you. I mean your mom and Dr. McCaulay are still here, but they spend most of their time in the bedroom. Your mom said now that Lilliput’s is under new management, she is allowed to order some books on sexual techniques that Elly Patterson would never have approved. I said, “Why not use Amazon.com or some other on-line book buying instead?” She said, “Local businesses have to support each other in Milborough.” I didn’t understand that, but nevertheless, she has been bringing home a new book every night, with things for her and Dr. McCaulay to try. It has been noisy in the main house, and not with noises that I really care to hear.
Fortunately, Marjee Mahaha came over after she helped me apply and take off my body makeup for my show at the Valhalla. Then we lift weights in between finding whatever things your boyfriend Drew and whatever friends he brought over left and throwing them away. Marjee agreed to sleep over again tonight to keep me company. It’s not the same as when you are here and we can talk about school or music or I can help you study. Marjee is older and likes to talk about different things like where she wants to buy a house, and how many kids she would like to have, and how hard it is to find a good man in Milborough, and how much she likes it when I give her a full body massage. I miss my bud. However, it sounds like one of my favourite people, Tracey Mayes is going through a rough time, and if anyone can help her, my bud can. So, do what you need to do to help her and I will wait until you can come back.
Howard K.
At 12:11 AM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest April flower,
I have tried to speak to Thorvald about his kind but misguided desire for me to marry Becky-Thora. But every time I do, he ignores me. I admit that I have stopped trying. But I will continue my futile efforts if it makes you happy.
In that vein, I am concerned that this next part will upset you.
Ragnhild Gordonsdottir and I watched Viking Outlaw, also known as Utlaginn, together. It is a very good movie. However, Ragnhild kept making some very disturbing comments.
Gisli had just killed Kolbein when Ragnhild asked, out of the blue, "Gisli Aloysiusson, do you have a girlfriend?"
And I said, "Yes, her name is April Patterson. You know her, I think."
Ragnhild scowled and said, "Yes, she is my babysitter. But she is not at all a proper Viking maiden!"
And I said, "It is true that she is not as interested in the Viking ways as you or I. But she has a Viking name. Adalbjorg Ellysdottir. And she has many other fine qualities." I did not enumerate those qualities because it is probably not appropriate to talk about boobs to a six year old.
Ragnhild said, "Are you betrothed?"
And I said, "We are pre-engaged. There's no real translation in the Viking system."
Ragnhild said, "Oh," and became quiet.
Then, right after Thorbjorn's house at Stock was burned, Ragnhild asked me, "Do you think a six year old is too young to be betrothed to someone?"
And I said, "Yes, I think so. I think there are probably laws against it."
Ragnhild was quiet for awhile. Then, when Gisli and Thorkel married, she sighed and said, "I hope I have a beautiful Viking wedding like that someday."
And I said, "Me too. You should have seen the wedding of Thorvald and Thora. It was resplendent with Viking tradition."
When Thorgrim the Priest married Gisli's sister Thordisa, Ragnhild said, "It will probably be really hard for me to find a man who likes the Viking ways as much as I do."
I suggested, "You could move to New Iceland. That's where Thora is from. There are still some Viking followers there."
Ragnhild pointed out, "That's kind of far away. I don't want to move away from Milborough, ever."
I said, "Me neither."
It was just when Thorgrim was slain, and Snorro the Priest was born, when Ragnhild said, "Does Adalbjorg want to stay here?"
"She says no," I admitted as I crammed a whole wad of popcorn in my mouth.
Then, just as Gisli was being outlawed, Ragnhild burst out and said, "I'm going to marry you when I grow up!" Then she giggled a whole lot.
I was confused by the giggling. "Are you making a joke, Ragnhild Gordonsdottir?" I asked her.
"No!" she said through her hands, since she had both of them covering her mouth to try to stop the giggles. Then she took them off and said, "I love you, Gisli!" and then giggled some more.
I asked her, "Why?"
She giggled and said, "You're cute! And you're a Viking!" More giggles.
I told her, "I think we shouldn't talk about this until you are to the proper age of betrothal, and/or pre-engagement. That is at least age 12."
Ragnhild said, "Okay!" and we finished watching the movie. But she kept on giggling and sneaking glances over at me, and giggling some more. She even giggled all through the part where Gisli is slain, and even through the ending, when Snorro the Priest dies.
I said goodbye to Ragnhild, but when I went home, I had an IM waiting for me. It said:
ragnhild + gisli = tru luv 4evah!
i love gisli aloysiusson!
ragnhild and gisli
sittin' in a tree
k-i-s-s-i-n-g
first comes love
then comes marriage
then comes the baby in the baby carriage!
luv, ragnhild ur viking bride
I could almost hear the giggles.
I'm sorry my love. It just seems like I am such a stud that women of all ages fall in love with me. But I am still yours.
Devotedly, Gerald
Post a Comment
<< Home