Gah, a CAR is not a GIRL!
Doodz, in case U R wondering Y I am up so early, it's Dad & his dumb story abt Gordo, Anthony, and the Bushwhacker trade. He actually grabbed a bullhorn this morning an' was all, "Elly Patterson! April Patterson! Report to the living room post haste! And by that, I don't mean NEthing abt mailing letters! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, spltttt!" At first Mom an' I ignored him, but he was v. v. persistent, so B4 long we'd dragged our tired arses 2 the living room, & Dad was standing there w/a manuscript. He was all saying he'd written out a draft of his Bushwhacker-buying chapter 4 his [frightfully boring] memoirz & he wanted an audience 2 hear the whole thing. So, OMG, U guessed it, I had 2 hear everything again. From the mo he showed up @ Mayes Midtown Motorz & Everything Emporium thru yesterday'z Anthony line abt responsibilities. Then, there was this:
Becks, U really wanna do a Viking engagement w/Howard, eh? Wow, w/yr Dad, there R so many wayz this can go horribly wrong. Hope it doesn't, tho.
Jeremy, that's so cute that Dirne dressed up as a pizza boy so she cd C U. But wow, it soundz like it'll B hard 2 w8 & act cool while she d8s other guyz. And that convo U had w/her abt w8ing, it soundz oddly familiar.
Apes
As I stood there in the lot, next to the Crevasse sedan, the inimitable Gordon Mayes sauntered over to me, asking, "What do U think of the car, John?" I was glad to have the change of subject. "She's sweet, Gordon! She goez like a bat and she soundz like music. I'm gonna trade!" Gordon pointed a finger at me, from an oddly spindly-looking hand, and told me, "I'll get the paperwork ready, and U can drive her off the lot." I smiled, but as I walked back 2 my beloved Bushwhacker, my heart felt heavy. I thot, "Well, girl...it's time 2 say farewell. U've been gd 2 me, but I'm moving on. Take care of yrself... And, thanx 4 everything." Then, I had the oddest feeling that Bushwhacky was giving me a sad, sad look. Like mayB she was going 2 start divorce proceedingz & tell ppl abt her responsibilities. And I thot, "Don't look @ me like that. I feel bad enuf already!"Mom broke in then with, "John! If I didn't know NE better, I'd think U had more love and affection 4 that old rusttrap than U did 4 me!" Dad went all quiet 4 a sec & looked kinda misty-eyed. And Mom was, all, "John, this is yr cue 2 tell me I'm B-ing ridiculous, & of course U don't have more love and affection 4 an old car than 4 yr beloved wife and partner in life." Dad was like, "What? Oh, yes, of course, Elly, that goez w/out saying, so I wasn't even going 2 say it!" And he started 2 laff, but Mom shot him one of her scaree looks, so he stopped. I was, like, "Dad, U know, calling a car 'she' & 'girl' soundz st00pid and creepee!" And Dad was all, "Oh, April, it's a guy thing. I wdn't xpect U 2 understand!" And Mom was, like, "Yeah, I never cd understand that, either." Then Dad was, like, "Ladies, the chapter isn't over. Next in the saga of John Patterson's Great Bushwhacker-Crevasse trade of ott-six--" But then there was this gr8 big "SNOZZZZZ!!!!" sound, & it was Mom snoring. Dad tried jabbing her back awake again, but it was no use. ::sigh:: I guess U will all end up hearing more abt this dull, dull story again 2morrow. But I hope then Dad will be all dun w/it.
Becks, U really wanna do a Viking engagement w/Howard, eh? Wow, w/yr Dad, there R so many wayz this can go horribly wrong. Hope it doesn't, tho.
Jeremy, that's so cute that Dirne dressed up as a pizza boy so she cd C U. But wow, it soundz like it'll B hard 2 w8 & act cool while she d8s other guyz. And that convo U had w/her abt w8ing, it soundz oddly familiar.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 5:41 AM
30 Comments:
At 9:25 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i did have this déjà vu feelin’ durin’ my convo w/dirne last nite, but i cudn’t remembah evah havin’ that discussion w/ne1 else.
on the way 2 skool this mornin’, ur dad & his new crevasse 4x turbo pulled ovah b-side me. i wuz thinkin’ he realized how he had kinda blown me off yestahday talkin’ ‘bout dirne & he was gonna make up 4 it. howevah, that wuz not the case. he sed, “jeremy. wutya think of my new car?” i sed, “is it 4 real this tyme, dr. p? no more test drivez?” ur dad sed, “no more test drivez. jeremy. i know how much u’ll miss thoze.” i sed, “ur rite, dr. p. it iz a terrible loss. i dunno how i’ll live w/o them. so do u wanna talk ‘bout me & dirne?” ur dad sed, “no, jeremy. i want u 2 tell me how my new car iz?” i sed, “it looks like a tricked out station wagon, dr. p.” ur dad sed, “u don’t wanna tell me it’s sweet?” i sed, “no dr. p.” he sed, “u don’t wanna tell me she soundz like musick?” i sed, “dr. p that duzn’t make ne sense. 4 her 2 sound like musick, she wud hafta have pitch or rhythm, both of which u don’t want in new car soundz. 4 a car, u wanna nice soft, non-musical hum.” ur dad sed, “so, wudya think of the hum?” i sed, “it’s gotta nice hum, dr. p” ur dad sed, “u don’t want tell me she goez like a bat.” i sed, “goez like a bat? u mean she sleeps all day n a cave & comez out @nite 2 feed on nsects?” ur dad laffed that sticky-out tongue laff & sed, “jeremy. that wuz a joke worthy of a patterson.” i wuzn’t sure howta take that comment, but i sed, “thanx, dr. p.” neway. ur dad sed, “’goez like a bat’ iz the short 4 sayin’ ‘goez like a bat outa h-e-double toothpicks.’” i sed, “i dunno that brand of toothpicks, dr. p.” ur dad sed, “b-ing overly literal iz not an attractive feature, jeremy. i just went thru wut seems like days of anthony caine doin’ that 2 practically everythin’ i sed.” i sed, “sorry, dr. p. ur car duz seem fast.” ur dad sed, “thanx. jeremy. i feel much bettah, now.” & then he started 2 cry. i sed, “dr. p. wut’s the mattah.” ur dad sed, “i’ve betrayed my bushwhacker.” i sed, “u mean ur old car, i hope, & not a figurative bush whacker or a slang bush whacker.” ur dad sed, “yes. jeremy. literal bushwhacker. it’s in gordon’z used car lot now & wen i drive by it, it givez me evil looks. it h8s me now, jeremy. i can feel it.” i sed, “dr. p. u can get 2 ur office w/o passing the mayes midtown motors, if u go down danforth 2 eglington & cut up on markham.” ur dad sed, “oh, rite. thanx jeremy. thass good advice. if i can do nething 4u, don’t hesit8.” i sed, “actually dr. p. we cud talk ‘bout…” but then he wuz gone. that crevasse duz go like a bat.
At 9:29 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings this morning about your noos (father) waking you up to tell you about his talk with his old car, just before he traded it in. A bullhorn is an unusual choice. When your mother stayed at our detachment, she woke up as soon as we started cooking breakfast. When you wrote about the snoring, it brought back pleasant memories of that night. My partner still talks about how she was glad we didn’t have anyone else in the detachment that evening.
My people believe strongly in speaking to what you would call an inanimate object. The word is ganoodan (to speak to something) and it is distinguished from ganoozh (to speak to someone). In Ojibway legends, the something is usually the weather, or a tree or sometimes an animal. Today’s Ojibway does speak to vehicles and we usually talk to it as if it is a girl or a boy. Where I live in Otter County, that something is usually our snow machine. My mishomis (grandfather) has long conversations with his snow machine. When I read what you wrote about your noos (father), it reminded me of conversations I heard from my mishomis (grandfather) and his snow machine. I think your noos (father) and my mishomis (grandfather) would get along. I hope they get to meet each other someday.
I did not write you yesterday, because I felt very sick. I had been feeling sick most of the week, but yesterday was the worst. I did not go to work and I could barely move out of my bed. It was difficult to even maintain a phone conversation with my sweet girl, that is your sister, but I knew she would worry if I did not call at the precise time I am supposed to call every day. Today, though, I am feeling much better, like a great weight has been lifted from me like when something I thought would threaten me and I was worried about, proved to be nothing at all.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 9:40 AM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, my dad gets v. v. strange when he talks abt carz. i'm sorry he blew u off when u wanted 2 talk abt dirne. i think we have the same free period this afternoon. i'd b glad 2 talk w/u abt this stuff if it mite help, eh?
paul, i m glad u r feeling better!
apes
At 9:42 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, it wud b good 2 talk 2u 'bout it. do u have ne suggestions on how 2b a bf 2 a girl, who ur not suppozed 2 talk 2, or d8, or mebbe d8in' anothah guy?
At 9:44 AM,
howard said…
April,
It was another lonely night without Becky in the house. Marjee Mahaha was sleeping overnight to keep me company and she said she was frightened by something and crawled into bed with me and held me tight most of the night. I woke up briefly and I could swear she was mumbling in her sleep, “Don’t marry Becky. Don’t marry Becky.” But when I asked her about it in the morning she said, “Oh Howard. I had this dream someone was going to mess up my Reebok shoes, so I dreamed I was saying, ‘Don’t mar Reeboks.’ That must be what you heard.” I was unaware Marjee cared so much about her workout athletic shoes, but she has been remarkably well-groomed lately.
This morning was uneventful. I went through the usual breakfast for and breakfast table sex escapades of Krystle McGuire and Dr. McCaulay, the body massage of Thora (Becky’s step-mom), made Rosemary Mayes her breakfast and took her to school, and then went to work at Sugar’s salon. On the way to Rosemary’s school, I could swear I saw your father on the side of the road beside Mayes Midtown Motors in a new Crevasse 4X Turbo, looking out the window toward Mayes used car lot and crying. I had to get Rosemary to school, or I would have stopped to see what the problem is. I hope your dad is all right.
Today is Friday, so Becky does the shows at the Valhalla and I get a night off. She posted last night from Gordon’s house that she thought we should be engaged. I talked to her this morning, and she explained that if I were engaged to her, then it wouldn’t really change anything about what we do, since she is too young to be legally married to me, and Viking law says that both partners are allowed to take other partners. Actually, the Viking men are expected to take other partners. With the women it is optional. However, what it would change is that her dad would stop trying to get her together with Gerald, which would really help with Gerald’s relationship with you, since Gerald admires Thorvald so much. Helping you out and helping Becky out, was something I had never thought about before. That might be worth whatever things Thorvald might do to make an engagement unpleasant.
Marjee says she wants to go dancing tonight and she wants me to be her dance partner. That should be fun. I haven’t really gotten to dance since I danced with Dennis North months ago. I hope you and Gerald have something exciting lined up. I would ask you to go dancing with me and Marjee, but I am afraid they will not let teenagers in the place Marjee wants to go dancing. Sorry.
Howard K.
At 10:07 AM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, wow, i dunno. if ger told me we hadta break up so he cd d8 sum1 else, like, say, becky? but that it wd b temporary & i shd "w8"? omg, i'd freak! that's y i m so glad he nevr let his 'rents force him 2 d8 becky, but instead stood up 2 them & sed he was gonna b w/me & that's that. i think u deserve 2 b w/sum1 who wd fite 4 u like ger faut 4 me.
howard, i'm sure my dad will b ok. also, it's v. nice of u 2 think of helping me like that w/sumthing so serious!
apes
At 11:52 AM,
April Patterson said…
omg, becks, anthony is a bigger freak than we thot, eh?
well, i can c the pointz abt u getting engaged 2 howard. so, like, wd u like me 2 throw u an engagement party?
apes
At 12:31 PM,
Anonymous said…
Becky, I'm hurt that you'd think I'm trying to "steal" Howard from you, as if he's something that belongs to you. Howard is my dear friend and he help each other out! I've been spending more time with him this week because he's missed you so much. Plus, we share similar tastes in dresses and men.
Marjee
At 2:24 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest April flower,
Now that we are pre-engaged, do you kinda sorta belong to me?
Hopefully, Gerald
At 2:32 PM,
April Patterson said…
ger, of course! btw, u have me s00per-intrigued abt the "mystery d8" u arranged 4 2nite. like u asked, i will wear sumthin' "babe-a-licious".
becks, i thot of the same thing w/my 'rents. i'm thinking we cd either have it @ my house when my 'rents r on 1 of their wkend get-awayz or we need 2 find sumwhere else 2 have it. does ne1 have ne ideaz abt where we cd have the party?
apes
At 2:55 PM,
howard said…
April,
I got dragged out of the salon by Thorvald and Krystle McGuire over my lunch break. They said they had to talk to me and it was important. Marjee Mahaha came along, because I think she wanted to make sure I wasn’t being ganged up on. We went over to the The Fightin' Irishman and sat down to lunch. The waiter came up and said, “Our special today is corned beef. Would ye be liking some corned beef?” Thorvald said, “I’ll have some Brennevin or Mead and some rancid shark meat.” The waiter said, “We don’t have those things. Perhaps some Guinness.” Thorvald, “By Odin’s one good eye, why do we have to meet here? The Valhalla is a much nicer place.” The waiter said, “Faith and begorra. The Valhalla doesn’t have our fine selection of Irish foods and spirits.” Krystle said, “Bring us all a round of Guiness.” The waiter, “Aye lassie.” and left. Krystle continued, “Thorvald, you know we have to meet here, because it is neutral territory. Besides, you used to like Irish food. You don’t like Brennevin, do you Howard?” I said, “Brennevin is best suited for cleaning out the insides of rusty pans.” Thorvald said, “One of the beverage's many useful functions.” Marjee said, “What is this all about?”
Krystle said, “Thorvald has brought it to my attention that he wants Howard to be engaged to marry Becky.” Thorvald said, “Hoskuld.” I said, “Howard.” Krystle said, “Thorvald. You’re not on that ‘giving everyone Viking names’ kick again are you? I thought I cured you of that years ago.” Thorvald said, “Once our divorce is final, all your evil machinations will be reversed. I will be like a new man, just as the gods were when Loki was discovered as the one responsible for Balder’s death and they chained Loki to a rock with snake poison dripping on him.” Krystle said, “Whatever. Howard. Let me speak plainly, since Thorvald obviously cannot do it. I like you, but you are not rich enough for Becky.” Thorvald said, “Money is not the object. It is strong Viking children. Howard has the equipment to provide what Becky-Thora needs.” Krystle said, “Howard is well-equipped.” Marjee said, “Have you been with Krystle, Howard?” I said, “Against my will.” Marjee said, “So you have been involved sexually with both me and Krystle?” Thorvald said, “Me too. There were many times in prison, in which I felt the comfort of Hoskuld’s strong…um…arms.” I started to feel a little warm. Marjee said, “So, you want to add Becky to the list so you have covered every family member?” I said, “This isn’t my idea, beside Krystle has custody of Becky and she doesn’t approve.”
Krystle said, “I didn’t say that. I said you were not rich enough for Becky.” Thorvald said, “You approve?” Krystle said, “Becky is young and pretty and dumb as a brick when it comes to guys. Her choice in men to date has been miserable from the purple-lipped kid who is constantly in legal trouble, to the middle-aged looking kid who is close to death, to the athletic idiot who likes her only for her juice and workout equipment. She is going to run into all kinds of men who are going to try to take advantage of her and I can’t watch her all the time. But if Becky were engaged to someone I knew would never get her into trouble or take advantage of her, then she would be protected against her own extremely poor choices.” Marjee said, “You can’t be serious. You want Howard to marry Becky to protect her from some another man.” Krystle said, “Don’t be silly, Marjee. Becky will never marry Howard. I have too many plans for Becky’s future husband.” Thorvald said, “Hoskuld does not have a Viking heritage, so he is not my first choice either, but he should be able to provide strong Viking children, when Becky reaches her societally acceptable child-bearing years, if another more suitable candidate has not been found before then.” I said, “Are you saying you want me to be Becky’s backup gay?” Krystle and Thorvald said, “No. A backup gay actually marries the girl.” Marjee said, “If Howard is engaged to Becky, then he can still go out with other people?” Thorvald said, “A strong Viking man is expected to have his way with concubines and slave girls.” Krystle said, “Marjee, you two can sleep together all you want. Howard’s going to need some kind of outlet, since he will never have sex with Becky.” Marjee said, “I didn’t mean that I would sleep with Howard. We just have similar tastes in dresses and men. I only slept over the last couple of days because Howard was lonely and missed Becky.” Krystle said, “Yeah, right. Do you buy that, Thorvald?” Thorvald said, “Marjee is not known for her chaste behaviour. Her statement is not like a truth that comes from the Norns.” Marjee turned a little red, like she was feeling warm.
I said, “Well, since you both approve and Becky wants to and it doesn’t mean I would actually have to get married, so I can still meet my obligations as a backup gay to April, if I have to, then I guess this is something I can do for my bud Becky.” Thorvald said, “Excellent. Let us toast to it.” The waiter came by with Guiness. He said, “Would you like to try our corned beef and cabbage now. We also have a nice shepherd’s pie.” Krystle said, “Just pretend it’s rancid shark, Thorvald.” We ordered food and we toasted.
Thorvald said, “There is a little matter of negotiating the bruðkaup or bride-price.” I said, “I’ll cut you a cheque. What corresponds to the traditional twelve ounces of silver?” Thorvald said, “For a prize like Becky, it should be a sum of money which corresponds to one year’s salary.” I said, “What? The deal is off then. I can’t afford that.” Thorvald said, “I would be willing to settle for taking an amount out of your salary at the Valhalla and serving me breakfast every day.” I said, “Breakfast?” Thorvald said, “I have been finishing Ragnhild’s breakfast each morning, and it is not right a child should have a repast fit for a strong Viking warrior. I want pancakes too, dammit.” I agreed. Thorvald said, “Very well, then Howard. Once we have done the handsal , you are engaged to Becky-Thora.” Marjee said, “Handsal?” I said, “Everyone related to the bride clasps hands with the groom.” So we all clasped hands and it was settled. Krystle said, “Howard. Despite this Viking nonsense, Becky will still need an engagement ring.” I said, “I actually already have one of those, which might fit Becky.” Krystle said, “Good. She won’t wear it at her school, naturally, since it will attract the wrong kind of attention, but she will certainly wear it when she is performing.”
We had lunch and after we went back to the salon, Marjee said, “We are still on for dancing tonight?” I told her we were. It was a very strange afternoon.
Howard K.
At 3:01 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i know u mean well, but comparin’ dirne 2 gigli wuz not so cube. dirne wuz raised 2 obey her ‘rents, but i dunno wut 2 xxpect frum gigli pretty much every day. i wud like dirne 2 fite 4 me, but small steps 1st u know. she sez i have her heart. atc, i think thass pretty good 4 her.
At 3:19 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, sorry if the ger comparison was uncube. that was the only way i cd fig how i'd feel in yr sitch.
howard, wow, i guess we have a party 2 plan!
apes
At 4:28 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest April flower,
Can you wear that red dress your sister Elizabeth gave to you? Or was it ruined in the muddy wrestling we did on my parents' floor while trying to go to third base? I was thinking you could wear it with a coat when we leave your house, but then you can remove the coat when we get to our destination, you know, as people do.
I have a very exciting night planned. We are going to the hottest hot spot for teens in all of Milborough.
Devotedly, Gerald
At 4:31 PM,
Anonymous said…
Not very dear or friendly Becky flower,
I told you to keep where we were going a secret!!
Angrily, Gerald
At 5:15 PM,
April Patterson said…
ger, 4tun8ly, howard was able 2 save the red dress fr. ruin. i will put it on! (& pretend i don't know the surprise, eh?)
becks, i'm confused cuz howard sed that u r performing @ the valhalla 2nite. but, yeah, def. join us! :)
apes
At 6:49 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
I am not sure what is going on with the Valhalla performances, since I only work there. The weekends are usually your shows. Nevertheless, it appears that there will be dancing there tonight. Maybe Thorvald hired an Icelandic DJ or something like that.
Sorry you’re stuck with babysitting duty. I am sure April and Gerald can report the ability or lack thereof in the Mayes’ dancing. Now that I think about that statement, maybe they can’t. Gerald is not known for his dancing ability, and sadly neither is April.
By the way, concubinage and slavery do not exist anymore, at least not in this country. Maybe in the states. So it is not possible for me to bang slave girls and concubines, not that I would want to. You seem to have forgotten, I am gay. I want to bang boys. Butt sex, remember? I have no intention of banging Marjee or your mom. There were mitigating circumstances with both your mom and Marjee when those things happened before, in particular with your mom when she took advantage of my immediate post-dog state with a special perfume that made me lose control. I know I can’t forget that horrible event. Sometimes I have nightmares about it. And that time with Marjee was long ago when we were both at a low point in our lives. We have been platonic ever since.
Also, Becky, it’s not very cube to call your half-sister a ho or threaten to have her and your fiancé killed by your dad with an axe. Usually, the fiancée is a little happier and less murderous.
Howard K.
At 6:58 PM,
April Patterson said…
Gerald is not known for his dancing ability, and sadly neither is April.
heyyyyyyyyyyyy!
aw, heck, i can't argue abt my dancing. as a dancer, i'm v. gd guitarist, eh?
becks, do the vikings have rulez abt a foster fafa cutting off a fafa's head if the fafa banged the daughter'z fiancé? ger is v. worried abt his pal thorvald but was afraid 2 ask ne1 abt this.
apes
At 7:08 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, it wuz anothah bleak day @skool. vicki simone iz sittin’ w/dirne @lunch cuz they r like bffs now. so it wuz just eva & shannon & me. all eva wud talk ‘bout is how duncan smiled @her during hiz macbeth performance wed. nite. wen dirne walked by & didn’t say nething 2 me, shannon lake suggested i shud make up an imaginary apartment 2 escape frum the pain. evn the really borin’ monotone teach wuz not az funny 2day az usual.
on the way home. well, this iz gonna sound weird, but i ran n2 ur dad 2 tymez comin’ home frum skool 2day. the 1st tyme i wuz walkin’ by a guy who wuz chopping sum branches off a shrubbery & ur dad wuz watchin’ sobbin’ w/big tearz down hiz face. i sed, “dr. p. wuz the mattah?” ur dad sed, “jeremy it’s so sad.” i sed, “chopping branches? ru n2 plant life or sumthin’?’ ur dad sed, “no jeremy. he’z whacking branches off a bush. he’z a bushwhacker. it reminded me how i have betrayed my own bushwhacker.” i sed, “ok. dr. p. i hope u get ovah this soon, like mebbe 2morrow.”
i got rilly depressed ovah dirne & so i decided i wud get a beer, which iz hard 4 most teenagerz, but not 4 me. i wuz drinkin’ the beer & watching tv. it wuz newz frum the st8s & that crayzee prez they have ovah there now. i guess it wuz windy wherever he wuz makin’ hiz speech & this piece of cardboard flew ovah & hit him in the head. then the secret service shot the cardboard ‘bout a hundred tymez. it wuz kinda funny but i heard this v. familiar cryin’. it wuz ur dad. i sed 2 him, “lemme guess. pres. bush got whacked n the head, so the cardboard shot by the secret service wuz a bushwhacker.” ur dad sed between sobs, “it’s so sad ‘bout the cardboard. but b-ing shot by the secret service iz nothin’ compared 2 wut i did 2 my bushwhacker.” i hadda leave b4 i whacked ur dad & became a patterson-whacker.
At 7:20 PM,
howard said…
April,
If you were a better dancer, and dating Gerald, it would be a frustration. However, you are a very good guitarist. Much better than I am, who has never tried to play a guitar in his life. Well, except for that one time in B.C. when I was being chased by a mob of angry gay cowboys. But I wasn't very good at playing the guitar and things ended badly for the guitar. The event was chronicled in a little-known, and very badly written short story called Brokebutt Crevasse, by Buck E. Katt. It is not worth reading.
Please tell Gerald, I wouldn't worry about the head-chopping threats from Becky through Thorvald. When it comes to axes, Thorvald is more swing and nearly miss to make you wet yourself, than swing to separate your head from your body. Now, Thora (Becky's step-mom) is a different story. If she picks up an axe, you should run for cover. Fortunately she could care less who I bang (an attitude Becky should emulate). She is pretty much wrapped up in her pregnancy these days.
Howard K.
At 8:23 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, jeremy, u r rite, my dad totally needs 2 butch up & get over the bw trade already.
howard, that is gd 2 know abt thorvald. thanx 4 the compliment abt playing guitar. i guess no1 is gd @ everything!
apes
At 8:55 PM,
Anonymous said…
Howard, I think your idea for us to coordinate our outfits tonight was brilliant! We are going to cause a stir on the dance floor! This will help cheer me up.
Marjee
At 9:06 PM,
howard said…
April,
I hope you and Gerald are having a good time. What Marjee is talking about in her last post, is that we have identically-coloured outfits, but the twist is that her top matches my bottom and my bottom matches her top. It creates a very interesting visual effect, when we are locked together in a tight fast spin, because to onlookers, it appears to them as though they are seeing both colours at top and bottom at once. It is a marvelous effect, and makes the visual aspect of the dancing even more exciting. Of course it also makes you really dizzy, so we have to be careful how much we spin vs. how much we drink, or we will be colour-coordinated and lying on the floor. Marjee is quite right about the stir on the dance floor. When we start our turns, everyone stops to look at us. Marjee already seems happier and she is laughing and smiling a lot.
Be sure to let us know how your evening is going.
Howard K.
At 9:12 PM,
April Patterson said…
howard, we're having a v. good time dancing! well, ger tried 2 get me 2 do slowdancing 2 fast songz, but becky told him if he did that in her fafa'z club, she'd punch him in the stomach. & b/c of what ger goez thru w/his bro, he gets v. nervous whenev ne1 mentions stomach punches. oh, hold on! drew just went up on2 the stage & grabbed the mike! i wonder what he'z up 2!
yr outfits sound v. cube, btw!
apes
At 9:19 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg. drew? is rapping, howard! rapping!
apes
At 9:32 PM,
Anonymous said…
I'm here with my gorgeous gf Avery. I am the happiest, luckiest geek god ever!
Josh
Geek god
P.S. What's with the Vanilla Ice wannabe onstage?
At 9:46 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg! even tho 2nite is a teen nite @ the valhalla? a coupla old foax got the nites confused. & they thot drew'z rap was, like, a new anti-teen skit. so they threw a buncha food @ him! orque hadta, like, carry drew offstage 4 his own protection!
apes
At 10:21 PM,
Anonymous said…
Becky,
I am so upset and confused right now that April says I am acting just like her sister Liz.
I thought we were friends. Which makes me confused, because you have done two things tonight that are not very friend-like.
First, you made me so scared of slow-dancing that April and I have been fast dancing to everything, including "Unchained Melody" and "the Blue Danube Waltz." You know how much I enjoy ballroom dancing with my dearest little flower April, so I find your trick a particularly cruel one.
Second, you broke up with Drew Fontaine. How could you not think of how this will affect me? My friendship with Drew is based upon the foundation of having you in common. Now that you are not in Drew's life, Drew and I will go back to our old relationship. I am not looking forward to that. My dad says it was very dysfunctional, and that my psychosexual development must be severely hampered by the humiliation of being repeatedly bested in physical confrontations by an alpha male.
Hurting, Gerald
At 11:20 PM,
howard said…
April,
When you said Drew was rapping, I told Marjee that would be interesting to see. Marjee was not that keen on a teen night at the Valhalla, but she was nice and agreed to come with me. Unfortunately, we got there after Orque dragged him offstage to prevent him from being mauled by the old folks who mistook the night for an old folks night and Drew for a teenager act. However, we did get there in time to prevent Thorvald from giving Paul Mayes his first glass of Brennevin. I reminded Thorvald he could be shut down for serving alcohol on a teen night, and after a brief protest having something to do with how Vikings didn’t keep mead from the young, he relented and locked up the alcoholic beverages.
Gerald came up to us and said, “April told me that if I do slow-dancing to fast songs, Becky would punch me in the stomach. Then Becky started doing all oldster slow dance music. I don’t know what to do.” I talked to Becky about it. I said, “It’s kind of fun to be mean to Gerald, because he takes things so seriously. You’ve had a good laugh on Gerald, but the teenagers here want you to do something upbeat.” Becky said, “Teenagers? Oh my god, this is teen night? How could I forget that?” I told her it was probably the old people throwing food at the stage. So, Becky launched into fast numbers. Gerald looked even more confused by the change.
Then as Becky finished a set, I went to the stage, got on bended knee, proposed to her, and when she said, “Yes” put my ring on her finger. She flashed it at Drew. Marjee said, “Howard. That’s so romantic.” And she gave me a kiss. Becky said, “Hey! Step off, sis! He’s my fiancé.” Then she gave me a kiss. I said, “Would you two remember I am gay?” Drew came up and said, “I knew there was something between you two. Now I know the real reason why you broke up with me.” Then Gerald came up and said, “My psychosexual self is both confused and strangely aroused. It is like when Madonna kissed Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera on television.” I said, “That is an extremely good analogy, Gerald. Madonna is a gay icon.” Gerald looked even more confused, so I am really glad you straightened him out.
Becky is starting her second set. It’s time to dance.
Howard K.
At 11:44 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i’m glad thingz r goin’ well 4u. thingz r not so hot 4 me. i got a call frum dirne l8 2nite sayin’ 4 me 2 meet her @her house. so i went ovah there & i az i got close i heard sum1 whisper, “jeremy, ovah here.” i looked & i cudn’t c ne1, so i went 2 where the voice wuz. i sed, “dirne? i don’t cu.” dirne sed, “don’t say my name. pretend ur checkin’ the trash can.” i sed, “the trash can?” & then i noticed a pink trashcan n the yard. i opened it up & dirne was nside. i sed, “designer trash can?” dirne sed, “yes. jeremy. isn’t it cute?” i sed, “4 a trashcan i guess.”
dirne sed, “get n.” so i got n & dirne wuz all ovah me. i sed, “that feelz like ur headed 2 3rd base, but it is so crowded n here, i am not sure. isn’t 3rd base 4 wen u have been d8ing 4 3 months?” dirne sed, “i am rebellin’.” i sed, “u mean ur gonna stand up 2 ur ‘rents & say we shud b 2gethah?” dirne sed, “but of course not, jeremy. i have more respect 4 my ‘rents than that.” i wuz disappointed but i wuz njoyin’ the 3rd base, particularly since i wuz the 1 gettin’ it, @least i think i wuz. it wuz hard 2 tell wut wuz 3rd base & wut wuz dirne’s elbow n my crotch.
dirne sed, “i have sum bad newz, jeremy.” i sed, “i thot u wud.” dirne sed, “my ‘rents took me on the matchmakin’ d8 2nite & they & the othah guy’s ‘rents agreed i & the othah guy r gf / bf.” i sed, “man. i didn’t wanna hear that. i wuz hopin’ ur ‘rents wudn’t pick sum1 so fast.” dirne sed, “me2, jeremy. plus they picked a guy who iz like ur xxact opposite.” i sed, “who iz it?” dirne sed, “hiz name iz pierce inverarity.” i sed, “dirne. that guy’z trubble. he’z a gotta temper.” dirne sed, “i know, jeremy. but if he gets mad @me n fronta my ‘rents, i can point out how much bettah ur than pierce & then we can b back 2gethah again.”
i sed, “it’s dangerous.” dirne sed, “jeremy. it iz a sacrifice i am willin’ 2 make 4 us.” i sed, “if pierce inverarity iz mean 2u, i dunno wut i wud do. i wud prolly get n a fite w/him.” dirne sed, “jeremy. ur so romantic. do u wanna hit a homerun?” i sed, “n the trashcan?” dirne sed, “yes.” i sed, “i don’t think there’s enuff room.” dirne sed, “ur rite az alwayz my perfect former bf. i am almost outa tyme. get outa the can slowly & don’t make ne noise.” i did. then dirne sed, “now walk away az if ur npection of the can iz done.” i did that. it wuz a strange evenin’. i am rilly depressed now. dirne w/pierce. that makes me rilly nervous.
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