Spoiled Society?
OMG, so this morning? Dad sed, "April! Come w/me, I have sumthing 2 show U!" We went down 2 his workshop, & rite away, I hadta hold my nose, cuz there was this awful STINK! Dad had a buncha smelly, broken junk in there: a microwave w/its door hangin' off a hinge, a hole on top, an' grape jelly stuck 2 the glass front; half a bicycle, a stove with its oven door & 1 burner missing, the other 3 burners broken; 2 busted-up fridgez; a TV w/the screen smashed in; a broken dishwasher; smashed-up chairz; a muffler; a wire hanger; a destroyed old lamp; banged-up cookware; an old boxspring w/the springz all sprung out; & a buncha other gross, stinky stuff.
So, holding my nose, I sed, "Dad? What's going on?"
Dad sed, "April, last nite I 4got 2 put out the trash. . . . "
"We had this much trash?"
Dad laffed. No, this wasn't our trash!
"So, U went around the nabe & picked up every1 else's trash?"
"No! Stop interrupting, and I'll tell U what happened, buddy! So, I tried 2 catch the trash truck when I heard it this morning, just B4 dawn, but I wasn't fast enuf. So I packed the trash bags up in2 the back of my beautiful, spanking-new, cherry-red Crevasse. Did I mention I've named her Laverne?"
"Um, no, & I wish I didn't know that."
"Well, anyway, April, I drove out to the municipal landfill. And as I was unloading the trash, I looked around and thot, 'Amazing. U can C how spoiled a society is....by what it throwz away.' And just then, I had an inspiration. I'm going 2 do my part 2 reverse this trend of our being a throwaway society! So I made a seriez of trips hauling home theze thingz ppl have wastefully discarded just b-cuz they were 2 lazy 2 do sum basic repairz!"
I sed, "Dad? Theze thingz all seem 2 B messed up B-yond basic repairz!"
Dad was all, "Ye of little faith!"
"And Dad? They also STINK! Like, I'll bet U've more than wiped out that new-car smell!"
Then Dad teared up a bit, "Oh, my God! Laverne! What have I dun!" Then he ran & got the cleaning suppliez.
So, now Dad's got all that smelly stuff in his workshop, an' I'm telling U, there iz no way he'll B able 2 fix them. & w8 till Mom gets a whiff. She is gonna have a fit!
Apes
So, holding my nose, I sed, "Dad? What's going on?"
Dad sed, "April, last nite I 4got 2 put out the trash. . . . "
"We had this much trash?"
Dad laffed. No, this wasn't our trash!
"So, U went around the nabe & picked up every1 else's trash?"
"No! Stop interrupting, and I'll tell U what happened, buddy! So, I tried 2 catch the trash truck when I heard it this morning, just B4 dawn, but I wasn't fast enuf. So I packed the trash bags up in2 the back of my beautiful, spanking-new, cherry-red Crevasse. Did I mention I've named her Laverne?"
"Um, no, & I wish I didn't know that."
"Well, anyway, April, I drove out to the municipal landfill. And as I was unloading the trash, I looked around and thot, 'Amazing. U can C how spoiled a society is....by what it throwz away.' And just then, I had an inspiration. I'm going 2 do my part 2 reverse this trend of our being a throwaway society! So I made a seriez of trips hauling home theze thingz ppl have wastefully discarded just b-cuz they were 2 lazy 2 do sum basic repairz!"
I sed, "Dad? Theze thingz all seem 2 B messed up B-yond basic repairz!"
Dad was all, "Ye of little faith!"
"And Dad? They also STINK! Like, I'll bet U've more than wiped out that new-car smell!"
Then Dad teared up a bit, "Oh, my God! Laverne! What have I dun!" Then he ran & got the cleaning suppliez.
So, now Dad's got all that smelly stuff in his workshop, an' I'm telling U, there iz no way he'll B able 2 fix them. & w8 till Mom gets a whiff. She is gonna have a fit!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:35 AM
15 Comments:
At 10:05 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your noos (father) taking trash to the municipal landfill and thinking how spoiled our society is. I know exactly what your noos (father) means. When I find obsolete I-pods on the side of the highway, it makes me mad some spoiled person has violated the littering law. I wish the person who had thrown it away, had taken it to the Otter County landfill instead of throwing it out a car window. Your noos (father) is a model for proper waste disposal. It needs to be in a landfill or in your home, but not polluting our environment. He inspires me just like famous Sicilian, Iron Eyes Cody did with his Keep America Beautiful public service announcement. That reminds me. I just loved Iron Eyes Cody in Ernest Goes to Camp. I think I will watch that cinematic gem today after I have my scheduled daily phone conversation with my sweet girl, your sister.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 10:08 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I ‘spec Rufus and me like a spoiled society better, fo’ sho’. A landfill is full of treasures and things what a man can use. Your dad sounds like he just got his smarts about what a landfill can do fo you. Rufus has got many presents for Miss Melba from our landfill. He also got some for his kitty, Kitty and Becky, our mule.
Rufus and me, we don’t hardly throw things away. I think it’s ‘cause we ‘uns are the onliest people in town who don’t get any older. Skeezix is plenty old and Walt Wallet is pushing 105 now. But when a feller don’t get older, he can wear the same clothes all the time. Shoot, Rufus hasn’t changed his clothes in over 40 years. We never have trash, since we hardly use up what we have. Your dad is all right by me.
Joel
At 10:10 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Your father probably doesn’t have the intellectual capacity to carry on a conversation with his waste management crew, or they would wait on him to deliver his trash. Abercrombie and I have a very good relationship with Hi Flagston and his neighbour Thirsty Thurston. When we pick up their trash, there is always time to share a bon moment with them before we move to the next house. But we can’t do this with all the houses on our route. Mr. Foofram, who is an important mucky-mucky with Hi Flagston’s company, can barely string two words together without giving us some criticism or a command. We rarely stop to talk with him. Tell your father to get there earlier and try reading some good literature in order to be able to attract the intellectual instinct of his waste management crew. We don’t like talking to someone who is poorly read.
Fitch
At 10:11 AM,
April Patterson said…
yup, the stuff shd b in a landfill, not on the side of the road. of course, my dad dragged a bunch of smelly, broken, unfixable stuff 2 our home fr the landfill. & i have a feeling mom'z gonna make him take most of it back when she seez an' smells it, eh?
have fun watching ernest & say "hi" 2 liz 4 me. i don't hear fr. her much theze days an' i miss her.
joel, yeah, u'd prolly like my dad.
apes
At 10:13 AM,
April Patterson said…
fitch, i will suggest that 2 my dad!
apes
At 10:21 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i h8 trash pickup on sundayz. most peeps have sunday off, but 4 sum reazn n mboro, we hafta do thingz on sundayz like it wuz a regular weekday n othah places. i got up this mornin’ & i thot 2 myself i wud go 2 the cathedral of st. damian n mboro 2c if i get sum tyme n w/dirne, but wen i got there, i saw her goin’ n w/ pierce inverarity. he looked rilly uncomfortable, which made me feel good. but dirne & dirne’s ‘rents were hangin’ all ovah him, which did not make me feel good. so i came back home.
ur story 2day xxplainz y i saw ur dad drivin’ hiz new car ‘round town w/all the windowz open w/a can of air freshener sprayin’ & screamin’, “4give me laverne!” i have this automatic flinch wenevah ic ur dad n a car frum 6 months of doin’ test drives w/him. i wuz so relieved he didn’t stop that i rilly didn’t think ‘bout how strange that wuz till i read ur blog entry.
At 10:30 AM,
howard said…
April,
I usually do the trash the night before trash pickup, so I don’t have to worry about getting up early to do it. With Freyfaxi, Zeus and Apollo in the yard, I don’t have to worry about any animals getting in the trash, except for Freyfaxi, Zeus and Apollo of course. But they are so well-fed, they rarely get into the trash. Perhaps your dad should consider doing the trash the night before, once he has come to his senses about picking up things out of a landfill, that is.
Becky is sleeping late this morning, since she got in so late last night from Gordon Mayes’ house. After I got her naked juice and dropped off Marjee Mahaha who had been sleeping in Becky’s bed when Becky got home, Becky drank a lot of naked juice and demanded I change her bed to get the Marjee smell out. I had not really considered the dynamic of having your fiancée also be your employer’s daughter. Becky said, “If you can give my ½ sis a fully body massage, then you should give your fiancée a full body massage.” I have given Becky massages before, but it was different this time. She kept on looking deeply in my eyes, and then looking fondly at her engagement ring and then looking longingly at her empty bottle of naked juice. After getting her a new bottle, it would happen again. I hope I haven’t wrecked my relationship with my bud, by getting engaged to her.
Howard K.
At 10:40 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your sister, my sweet girl Elizabeth not talking to you lately. She likes it when I am open and honest, except when I say things like, “When I call you every day, I like it better talking to you than talking to Shiimsa. Shiimsa is not very good at talking on the phone.” When your sister does talk to me and not Shiimsa, she talks about how things that were once new and exciting to her in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) have become routine. She talks about looking forward to the summer when she can be back in the familiar surroundings of the south.
There are lots of things to do in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) and when I visit your sister again, I will be sure to do things with her she has never done before. I think she has never set a trap line before, and that can be a lot of fun. Not only that, but since many of her students spend time setting trap lines, it would be good for her to do that, so she knows more about the life of her students. Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) will be new and exciting for her, all over again.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 12:34 PM,
April Patterson said…
howard, my dad usually does put the trash out the nite b4. he just 4got this tyme, 4 sum reason.
jeremy, yeah, my dad'z been trying an' trying 2 get his 'vASSe smelling fresh and clean again. he's gonna buy a can of that "new car smell" scent fr. gordo 1st thing 2morrow & hope that helps.
paul, i hope yr ideaz help liz find mtig fun & xciting again!
apes
At 1:21 PM,
Luann DeGroot said…
OMG, April! This is what ur Dad wanted 2 haul?! No wonder ur Mom wouldn't let him use her 'Vasse!
Maybe he should have got a garbage truck instead!
Luann
At 2:08 PM,
April Patterson said…
Maybe he should have got a garbage truck instead!
true! mayB he wd've if gordo had ne @ the dealership. but i guess the 'vASSe co. doesn't make garbage trux!
apes
At 3:44 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest April flower,
On our way to church this morning, at St. Dymphna's Cathedral of Perpetual Sorrow, we were riding in Mom's new Crevasse when we saw your father in his new Crevasse. The hatchback was open, and a very large refrigerator was sticking out the back. We noticed that the refrigerator was very banged-up, and that pieces of trash were sticking to it. Also, flies were buzzing around the open tailgate.
Mater was horrified. She said, "Aloysius! If you ever do that with my brand-new white Crevasse with white leather interior, I will divorce you!"
And Pater said, "Don't worry, Melanie. I'm not interested in hauling garbage around. That's why I went to graduate school, so I wouldn't have to do that kind of menial labor."
And Mater said, "Then why on God's green earth is John Patterson, a dentist, hauling around smelly garbage in a luxury car!"
Pater said, "Frankly, my dear, I suspect some sort of mental disorder is at work here."
And Mater said, "This is why we cannot let Gerald marry into that awful family."
I opened my mouth to protest, but my brother said, "Yeah, you can't marry April! Loser!" and punched me in the stomach. Then I was in too much pain to talk.
On our way home from church, we saw your father again. This time, he had a boxspring with all its springs sprung, two broken televisions, a collection of popped bicycle tires, a blue end table with only three legs, and a cooking range that was missing all the burners and the oven door. Again, bits of garbage were stuck to these items, and flies were hovering around the open tailgate.
Mater said, "Gerald, observe closely. The man you want to be your father-in-law is driving away from the dump. He is hauling a carload of garbage home. Do you really want to be closely related to someone with such slovenly habits? Who knows how much of this behavior your April has picked up!"
And Pater said, "Gerald, you should keep in mind that there is very probably a strong genetic predisposition toward mental illness in both the Patterson and Richards families. April is at a high risk for developing a serious mental illness in her lifetime."
I opened my mouth to protest, but my brother said, "You're going to marry a filthy crazy person! Loser!" and punched me in the stomach.
I am, however, still your devoted Gerald
At 4:48 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, ger, i m soooooooooooooo mbarrassed that u all saw that! so not cube! sorry 2 hear yr bro's been whaling on u again!
apes
At 12:07 AM,
howard said…
April,
I had an interesting afternoon with Becky. We went to the store and we bought Pomegranaberry Blue, Very Berry, Red Machine, Berry Blast, Pomegranalicious, Mighty Mango, Just Apple, Power-C, Just O-J, Just Carrot, Tangerine Scream, Blue Machine, Green Machine, Protein Zone, Strawberry Banana-C, and Well Being naked juices; just to make sure I didn't miss any in restocking the house. Becky spent most of that time trying to convince me to get married when she turns 18, in 3 years. I would have to admit, I don’t see much of a downside to it, although I am having a difficult time even imagining Becky and me having sex, much less having kids together. We ran into the guy Becky went on a date with once, Pierce something, I forget his last name, in the grocery store with his new girlfriend who looked awfully familiar to me, but I don’t know why. Anyway, Becky made a big deal about showing off her ring to Pierce, and was huggy / kissy with me in front of Pierce, which I still find a little disconcerting, but I understand she is making a point with him.
I have always wanted to be a father, which is difficult for someone who is a gay cross-dresser to do, without adopting or finding a woman who is willing to give up her child. In this situation, I could be a father and really concentrate on being a good dad, and Becky could be the breadwinner. You have a pretty clear head about these things, April. What am I missing? I don’t think I would be jealous of Becky with other guys, since I am not jealous of her with other guys now. Likewise Becky wouldn’t be jealous of me with other guys, since she isn’t jealous of me with guys now. I just have this gnawing feeling in the back of my head that there is something crucial I am not seeing.
Howard K.
At 2:45 AM,
howard said…
April,
I did freak out when Becky came home with blood on her. She said, “Don’t worry Howie, it’s not my blood” like that would make me feel better. Becky had a fairly clear presence of mind in dealing with Gerald’s broken nose, but I did tell her that it would have been better to call me or call 911 than take Mrs. Forsythe’s car. She agreed, but she was really stressed out by the situation. I cleaned Gerald’s blood off her and she decided she needed some naked juice and a full body massage. The whole time during the full body massage, she started on a tangent about using a turkey baster for me to get her pregnant. That idea was even more disconcerting than the idea of doing it with her. I would hate to see a perfectly good piece of cooking equipment violated in that way. Then Becky freaked me out by pointing out that pinky swear you and she have about losing your virginity when you are over 16 years old. Her expressions of “You’re going to have a job to do when I turn 16, Howie” and “When I am 16 we can use this Snoopy towel I got from Mrs. Forsythe’s house. It’s already stained with blood.” I got a little pale, and when Becky saw that she said, “Sorry, Howie. I’m just kidding.” I said, “That’s a relief.” Becky said, “I’ll use a fresh towel, not the Snoopy one.”
Howard K.
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