May Letterz fr. my Fam!
OK, here goez. . . .
My letter: OK, not much of interest here xcept U'll notice the whole Lilliput's thing. Yeah, Mom decided I've gotta keep working there. Keep me "out of trouble". Which I think is momspeak 4 limited my Ger time.
Lizzie's letter: Homesick. Maybe a summer teaching job in Mississuaga. A lead on a job in Markham. Now, where did that come from, Ms. "Loves Adventure"? And Y U all acting like U didn't C an Anthony/Thérèse split coming?
And "Robin's constant illnesses"? Newz 2 me, eh?
Mom's letter: Hm, I wonder Y my mom'z not letting on she's already taking a creative writing class. And way 2 talk abt me like I mite go all rabid NE sec. Shut up!
Dad's letter: Oh, shuddup abt the carz already, Dad, cuz ZZZZZZZZZZ, no1 carez! And LOL on the "strange smells requiring explanation", Mr. "haul garbage home from the dump" Guy. Oh, & Mom'z suggestion abt "a day in the life of a dentist". Translation: "4 the love a GOD, John, enuf abt carz & model choo-choos!""I cannot see anything unusual or interesting about it": U & me both, Bubba! (I had 2 stop reading Dad'z letter B/C it was seriously putting me 2 sleep. I will hafta finish l8r, or I'll never get thru the others!)
Mike's letter: Y does Mike hafta write a letter? (I'm saying this B4 I read it. I'm gonna go read it now. Wish me luck.)
Oh, look, Mike's remembered his son's name. Sucks abt the ear infections. Poor kid. Of course, only Mike wd use B-ing awake l8 @ nite w/a sick child in2 a reason 2 notice Weed's lites & ponder Weed. Hmm. Aw, how nice abt Weed's 'rents. But who is Mike 2 say NE1's mom is an appendage?
Natch Weed's all successful & "sought after"--after all, he'z Michael Patterson's friend! ::puke::
Blahblah Mike's career, wants 2 quit Portrait, can't, blahblahblah.
Dee's letter: Earache, pharmacy, blahblahblah, Weed and Carleen, blah.
Gramps/Iris: "We're still alive!" Isn't it cute how he pretends Dixie's a pretty dog? That's luv, eh?
Pets: Ha, foisted the pets' letter off on Mom. MayB she'll sumday agree it's a st00pid idea, eh? Aw, Ma, it's not "with April and I"; it's "with April and me". How'd U manage 2 B an English major an' not know that?!?!?
Well, sorry that's so rushed, but I'm really beat!
Apes
My letter: OK, not much of interest here xcept U'll notice the whole Lilliput's thing. Yeah, Mom decided I've gotta keep working there. Keep me "out of trouble". Which I think is momspeak 4 limited my Ger time.
Lizzie's letter: Homesick. Maybe a summer teaching job in Mississuaga. A lead on a job in Markham. Now, where did that come from, Ms. "Loves Adventure"? And Y U all acting like U didn't C an Anthony/Thérèse split coming?
And "Robin's constant illnesses"? Newz 2 me, eh?
Mom's letter: Hm, I wonder Y my mom'z not letting on she's already taking a creative writing class. And way 2 talk abt me like I mite go all rabid NE sec. Shut up!
Dad's letter: Oh, shuddup abt the carz already, Dad, cuz ZZZZZZZZZZ, no1 carez! And LOL on the "strange smells requiring explanation", Mr. "haul garbage home from the dump" Guy. Oh, & Mom'z suggestion abt "a day in the life of a dentist". Translation: "4 the love a GOD, John, enuf abt carz & model choo-choos!""I cannot see anything unusual or interesting about it": U & me both, Bubba! (I had 2 stop reading Dad'z letter B/C it was seriously putting me 2 sleep. I will hafta finish l8r, or I'll never get thru the others!)
Mike's letter: Y does Mike hafta write a letter? (I'm saying this B4 I read it. I'm gonna go read it now. Wish me luck.)
Oh, look, Mike's remembered his son's name. Sucks abt the ear infections. Poor kid. Of course, only Mike wd use B-ing awake l8 @ nite w/a sick child in2 a reason 2 notice Weed's lites & ponder Weed. Hmm. Aw, how nice abt Weed's 'rents. But who is Mike 2 say NE1's mom is an appendage?
Natch Weed's all successful & "sought after"--after all, he'z Michael Patterson's friend! ::puke::
Blahblah Mike's career, wants 2 quit Portrait, can't, blahblahblah.
Dee's letter: Earache, pharmacy, blahblahblah, Weed and Carleen, blah.
Gramps/Iris: "We're still alive!" Isn't it cute how he pretends Dixie's a pretty dog? That's luv, eh?
Pets: Ha, foisted the pets' letter off on Mom. MayB she'll sumday agree it's a st00pid idea, eh? Aw, Ma, it's not "with April and I"; it's "with April and me". How'd U manage 2 B an English major an' not know that?!?!?
Well, sorry that's so rushed, but I'm really beat!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:30 PM
2 Comments:
At 8:35 PM,
howard said…
April,
I was very much relieved when Becky told me her devirginizing talk was just to freak me out, which it most definitely did. Becky seems to take a great delight in freaking me out. Fortunately she is after Taylor Morgan, school president, now; so she has stopped doing the kissing and hugging of me in front of old boyfriends. That is quite a relief.
I think Marjee Mahaha has stopped being mad at me for getting engaged to Becky also. These last few days at the salon have been a little tense. Every time an underage girl would come in for a shamp-Oh (waiver signed my mom of course), Marjee would make some snide comment asking if I thought she was young enough to marry. I asked her if she was going to be helping me at the Valhalla to do my makeup tonight, as she has done ever since I went to full body makeup for my act, and at first she said, “Why don’t you ask your fiancée to do it?” And I said, “It’s a school night,” which Marjee thought was pretty funny. Marjee said, “Howard. Your fiancée told me to stay away from you? Aren’t you going to get in trouble, if I do your makeup?” I said, “Believe me, the last thing Becky wants to do is to spend an hour helping me to apply makeup to my whole body every night. Besides, she is focusing her energies on a new boy now.” Marjee said, “Won’t he be put off by the fact she is engaged?” I said, “Becky and I don’t have that kind of relationship, so no.” Marjee said, “OK, Howie. I’ll help you. We still get to work out together, right?” I said, “Becky is completely uninterested in learning how to use free weights. Plus, she broke up with Drew Fontaine, so we won’t have to spend half the time finding and cleaning up the mess he made.”
As for Marjee’s love life, Jojo Martinez, who went out with Marjee on Saturday night, has called Marjee a few times asking for another date, but Marjee just says, “Not until you pay me $75 for your bar bill.” Knowing Jojo, that pretty much guarantees there won’t be a second date.
Howard K.
At 9:25 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, aftah skool 2day i gotta call frum dirne askin’ me 2 meet her @the park. so i left 4 the park & on the way there i noticed u & ur mom were walkin’ ur dogz, like out n the mud near the woodz. it looked like ur were havin’ a hard tyme walkin’ & i wuz tryin’ not 2 eavesdrop, but ur mom kept sayin’ “one foot n fronta anothah. one foot n fronta anothah.” n a loud voice that wuz kinda hard 2 miss. then she spotted me & sed, “there’s jeremy jonez, 1 of ur friendz. we’ll go a diffrent way 2 avoid him, so u won’t get mbarrassed.” then u sed sumthin’ 2 ur mom, which i cudn’t quite hear, but i cud hear ur mom gr8 when she sed, “u have broached a more serious topic. this haz been so worth w8in’ 4!”
neway, u guyz startin’ walkin’ away frum me & i went on2 the park. i didn’t c dirne newhere, so i figgered she hadn’t got there yet. i sat on the bench 2 w8 4 her, when i heard a voice come outa the bush b-side the bench. i sed, “ru n the bush, dirne?” dirne sed, “yes. jeremy. act natural. i’m suppozed 2b on a walk w/pierce, but i sent him 2 get me a coat frum my house. now, crawl n2 the bush.” so i crawled n2 the bush & dirne wuz all ovah me kissin’. she sed, “i heard ‘bout the swirlie. i am so sorry, jeremy. if u heard ‘bout me laffin’ ‘bout it w/pierce’s friendz n skool, that wuz just actin’. a good gf iz supposed 2 support her bf’s efforts 2 establish himself az an alpha male.” i sed, “i don’t remembah u havin’ that rule w/me.” dirne sed, “but of course not, jeremy. ur not that kinda guy.” i sed, “thanx, i guess.”
dirne sed, “i hear pierce comin’. stay n the bush.” then dirne got outa the bush & sed, “pierce. u got me my coat. that is so kind of u.” pierce sed, “uh, yeah. can we go 2 2nd base, now?” dirne sed, “we have not been d8in’ 4 2 weeks’ yet.” pierce sed, “ok. but we can kiss, rite?” dirne sed, “as much as u want. did u get those designer breath mints?” pierce sed, “uh, yeah.” so i hadda sit there n the bush, countin’ off the minutes. when they got 2 15 minutes, dirne sed, “15 minutes iz the limit 4 4 dayz 2gethah.” pierce sed, “uh, yeah. so lemme tell u wut i have planned 4 jeremy 2morrah. he iz gonna b rilly sorry he made u do all thoze thingz ur ‘rents r so mad ‘bout.” dirne sed, “can we please talk ‘bout sumthin’ else? like wen i am gonna get u n2 a proper clothez store 2 replace this outfit?” pierce sed, “i swear if i hafta talk ‘bout designer clothez nemore, i am gonna…” dirne sed, “do wut, my perfect bf?” pierce sed, “ur rilly good-lookin’. can we kiss 4 anothah 15 minutes?” dirne sed, “but of course.” so i hadda w8 4 anothah 15 minutes n the bush. then dirne sed, “it’s gettin’ cold. take me home.” pierce sed, “ur a rilly good kisser.” dirne sed, “but of course.” then they left.
so, i finally got 2 get outa the bush, & as i wuz walkin’ back home, i saw u & ur mom were stuck n that mud bog & ur dogz were runnin’ all ovah the place. thass wen i went ovah 2 get u out. it wuz a little confuzin’ wen ur mom sed, “stay away. ur a friend of april. i don’t want april 2 clam up entirely. she’z just beginnin’ 2 consider me a friend.” u seemed glad 2c me neway. aftah i got u outa the mud, & we both got ur mom outa the mud (she’z heavier than she looks), ur mom didn’t seem 2 happy wen i sed she shud prolly stay on the sidewalk next tyme, nstead wanderin’ n the mud bog. she sed, “home, my sous-chef. u must make dinner 2nite & it will be a lot less stressful, w/mom @the helm.” i hope there wuzn’t 2 much trubble @home. ur mom didn’t seem 2 realize u guyz coulda been stuck n that mud 4 awhile.
Post a Comment
<< Home