"Coffee Cake", U R a relic!
So, Liz wrote back to my recappy e-mail:
Jeremy, thanx 4 rescuing us fr. that muddy bog yesterday. My mom is such a freak! I hope she'll take yr advice abt walking on the sidewalks instead!
Apes
Dear April,OMG, Liz! U printed out my e-mail? Printed it out? So U cd read it again? That is so MOM! Don't U know U can read again on your computer? Geez, Coffee Cake, U R 2 yung 2 B such a relic! (And not only that, but that musta been one of my most boring e-mailz ever. I almost fell asleep writing it!)
Thanks for your e-mail. It really reminded me how much I'm missing by being up north! I was sitting on my front stairs reading a printout of your message, when Jesse Mukwa showed up. He stood in front of me and asked "Whatcha reading, Miss Patterson?" And I told him, "An e-mail from my sister. I printed it out so I could read it again. So much happens while I'm away. I miss all the gossip!" Jesse sat next to me and said, "There's lotsa gossip around here! People talk about you! They call you 'Coffee Cake' because you're dating a cop. ...An' that's what the cops always buy when they go to the corner store. --Coffee cake!!" I asked, a little indignant, "They're calling me Coffee Cake?!" And Jesse responded, "That's not a bad thing... The last teacher we had was called 'Fish Head'."
Well, April, I'll write more soon, but I just realized that the bottoms of my white socks are dirty from sitting outside in them!
Take care,
Liz
Jeremy, thanx 4 rescuing us fr. that muddy bog yesterday. My mom is such a freak! I hope she'll take yr advice abt walking on the sidewalks instead!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:54 AM
9 Comments:
At 9:36 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about Jesse Mukwa telling your sister the name she has been given by the people in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). I must tell you the truth. I do like coffee cake and many times I do not have to have coffee to eat coffee cake. However, I am also fond of doughnuts or doughnut holes. I tried to tell my sweet girl the people in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) could have called her those names instead. Or Bear Claws. I like Bear Claws. If your sister was called Bear Claws, they might fear her. There is one shoppe in Otter County that makes cinnamon twists. They taste very good. That would be a good name. It would sound like your sister is a spicy dancer.
I remember when I was in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) visiting my relatives who live there before your sister moved there. I got to meet the teacher who was called “fish head.” Her head did not look like a fish, with gills and scales and giant unblinking eyes or a mouth shaped in a large O, as you might expect with that nickname. No, she was called fish head because her boyfriend ate every part of the fish he caught, including the fish head. I do not know why the people in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) like to give nicknames to women, where the name is related to what their boyfriend eats. It is not that way with all Ojibway. Actually, it is only the Ojibway in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) that do this.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 9:48 AM,
howard said…
April,
I remember Mtigwaki very well from my one visit there. Those little nicknames are enough to drive you up the wall. When I was up there last summer with my then girlfriend, Kortney Krelbutz, I had wondered why the Mtigwakians were so interested in what I was eating. It all became clear when they started calling Kortney, "Baloney and Bannock." That name didn’t last long, as Kortney was soon known by her other nickname, “Woman Who Hits.”
When I got back from the Valhalla last night with Marjee Mahaha, we were doing weight-lifting when Becky came in and started accusing Marjee of trying to steal her fiancé (me). I said, “Becky. I need someone to spot me when I do free weights. Are you going to do that?” She admitted she wasn’t into free weights and the conversation turned to what outfit Becky was going to wear to get the boy she is interested in, a guy named Taylor Morgan, to notice her. We decided on one that emphasized her body and hair, and not her boobs so much. She looks good. If Taylor is even a little heterosexual, he will notice her when Becky does her “accidental” meeting with him today.
Howard K.
At 10:08 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i wuz glad 2 help u & ur mom outa the mud yestahday. i know she haz it her mind that u don’t wanna walk ur dogs newhere near where ur friendz have houses, so i hope the mud haz convinced her that ur not that ashamed 2b seen n public w/her.
well, this mornin’ i found out that i do not fit n my lockah, evn if u take all the books & stuff out. pierce inverarity (my ex-gf’s dirne’s new bf) & drew fontaine & that buncha guyz grabbed me wen i got 2 my lockah & tried 2 put me n there & lock me n. but i didn’t fit. they seemed a little confuzed by this. drew sed, “i don’t get it. gerald alwayz fit n the lockah.” i sed, “he’s gotta biggah lockah, cuz he iz a jock, & he haz no spine, so he can b folded more ez.” pierce sed 2 the othah guyz, “take all his books out, he’z gonna fit.” so aftah slingin’ my stuff on the floor, they still cudn’t get me 2 fit. drew sed, “mebbe he’z rite. thiz lockah duzn’t look az big az mine.” they were startin’ 2 sweat & breathe hard, so they gave up. pierce waved a fist n my face sed 2 me, “stay away frum dirne. she’z w/a guy who haz a much biggah lockah than u have.” i sed, “i unnerstand. wide open spaces n lockahz iz a big plus 4u. girlz just love a guy w/xxtra storage space.” pierce sed, “thass rite. & don’t 4get it.” so, i hadda spend a little tyme pickin’ my stuff up & my uni iz kinda stained now & i wuz l8 for 1st period. anothah gr8 start 2 a wunnerful day.
At 6:10 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, paul, it's a gd thing ger & i rn't in mtiglalala, what w/the crayzee stuff his mom makes him eat. they mite call me "power shake" or "kelp-and-spirulina purification smoothie".
jer, that's so harsh that pierce an' drew an' all thoze guyz r beatin' on u like that!
howard, that's a gr8 kortney story!
apes
At 7:20 PM,
Anonymous said…
Hey, April, I tried to convince my parents to write blog entries instead of telling boring stories at dinner. Maybe we all oughta get parents doing that instead of boring us silly!
Jeremy Duncan
At 7:22 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy duncan, that soundz like a good idea in theory, but w/my 'rents i m sure it wd totally mean giving them, like, constant tech support as they try 2 fite w/ "the box" (that's what they call the 'puter). they r hopeless. gd luck w/yr 'rents, tho!
apes
At 9:15 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i had a ruff tyme @the pharmacy. my mom sent me ovah 2 get a prescription filled & wen i got there, there wuz sum1 @the door who sed, “sorry. mister. we have a ‘no-backpacks, no strollers, no overcoats, no pockets’ policy. u will hafta leave the backpack, overcoat, ur pants & ur shirt @the door.” so i went n2 the pharmacy n my underwear & sox, which wud’ve been more mbarrassin’ if there were ne othah peeps n there. wen i got 2 the pharmacist, it wuz ur sis-n-law az u know. she looked @me & sed, “i told marcy, that policy wuz a joke. u didn’t rilly hafta take ur clothez off.”
i started back 2 put my clothez back on wen ur sis-n-law sed, “but since ur here, 1st i needta xxplain the proper procedure 4 uzin’ the lice combs & shampoos. pleaze follow me 2 the secluded conference area.” i sed, “i am here 2 pick up a prescription, not get treated 4 lice.” & ur sis-n-law sed, “u don’t hafta make a show. thass y we have the secluded conference area. 2 keep u frum getting mbarrassed.” i sed, “thanx 4 considerin’ my mbarrassment, but i don’t have lice.” ur sis-n-law started runnin’ her handz thru my hair & sed, “i think ic sum. u rilly shud lemme give u the xxplanation, cuz our ‘loss-prevention’ consultant sed teenagerz who don’t agree 2b de-loused r prolly potential thieves.” i sed, “that duzn’t sound rite.” ur sis-n-law sed, “it’s a lot bettah than being treated like a potential thief just cuz of ur age, like sum storez n my ‘rents’ neighborhood do. i h8 thoze storez. i still boycott them. wen i wuz youngah i used 2 spray paint the sidez of their wallz w/’teenz r not criminalz’.”
i sed, “thass innerestin’, but i am just pickin’ up a prescription 4 my mom.” ur sis-n-law sed, “but 1ce ur de-loused, u can walk ‘round the store freely & w/o suspicion. then aftah that, u can just show me ur lice comb & shampoo, & we will know u have alreddy received ur nstructionz.” i sed, “ok. let’s go 2 the secluded conference area & get his ovah w/.” so ur sis-n-law sed, “lice like 2 hide & breed n ur hair. this iz how u use the lice comb n ur head hair.” then she sed, “all right. now show me u can do it.” so i did it. she sed, “v. good. now ur chest hair. ooh. u have sum nice scarz.” so i did my chest hair. then she sed, “now ur leg hair.” so i did my leg hair. then she sed, “now ur arm hair.” so i did my arm hair. then she sed, “now ur pubic hair.” i sed, “wut? i ‘m not checkin’ my pubic hair 4 lice w/u watchin’!” ur sis-n-law sed, “if i don’t cu do it, then i don’t know if ur doin’ it rite.” i sed, “i’ll just do it like i did my head, leg, & chest hair.” ur sis-n-law sed, “pubic hair is different frum all thoze. u don’t wanna b considered a criminal, do u?”
i sed, “no way lady. it’s not happenin’.” then she picked up a fone & sed, “security. we have a teenage criminal.” & i cud hear on the othah end of the fone, “teenager! stay where ur, ma’am. we’re gonna bring the dogz.” i sed, “ok. ok. i’ll do my pubic hair. don’t bring dogz n here!” ur sis-n-law sed, “thass much bettah.” she got on the fone & called off the dogz. she sed, “sorry, security. it’s just a biker gang member, not a teenager. my mistake.” the voice on the othah end of the fone sed, “ah rats! eh?” so i combed my pubic hair n fronta ur sis-n-law, while she nstructed me on combin’ technique. aftah that, i finally got the prescription. as i wuz leavin’ ur sis-n-law sed, “thank u4 shoppin’ @fotos & pharmacy. b sure 2 come in again.”
thass y i wuz puttin’ my clothez back on wen u & ur mom came n2 drop off thoze fotos frum ur mom’z photography class. it wuz kinda mbarrassin’ 2b n my underwear n fronta u & ur mom. i’m glad u didn’t say nething. i xxpected ur mom 2 say sumthin’, but i wuzn’t xxpectin’ her 2 say, “jeremy jones. ur obviously sum1 who can still party. u shud take my 6-week intro 2 photography course.” i hope ur mom knowz i am not gonna take that course.
At 10:11 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, that's awful. the pharma peeps almost strip-searched me 2, but my mom opened a can of elly whuparse on 'em. dee's turning in2 such a freak, no wonder she fits in2 the fam!
apes
At 10:39 PM,
howard said…
April,
At the salon today, I had customer in from Toronto that you know, Carleen Stein. She came into the salon with 3 other ladies. As she came into the salon, she said to the ladies, “We have come into some money, and this is your treat. Get your hair done whatever way you want it. It’s on me! And be sure to get a shampoo. You won’t regret it.” So, I started a shamp-Oh on the first lady and I said, “Why is Carleen being so generous? Did she get a new contract in her business?” The lady said, “No. Her boyfriend, the photographer in our studio, just got an advance on his inheritance.” I said, “That is an occasion.” The lady said, “Yes. It was the funniest thing. Back last October, Carleen and her boyfriend bought the building we work in. Then last week, his estranged father shows up out of the blue for a visit and says he wants to help him buy the place.” I said, “Even though he already owned it.” The lady said, “Yes. You would think he would correct his dad, but Carleen took him aside and said, ‘You’ve been waiting for this moment all your life. Don’t ruin it.’ So they let the old man believe the building belonged to someone else.” I said, “So, they have money to spare?” The lady said, “Yes. With the extra money, they’re going to restore the entire warehouse, expand the studio to take over whole the top floor and rent out the lower.” I said, “It must be nice to have rich parents.” The lady said, “It doesn’t hurt to work for a woman whose boyfriend has rich parents either. Wow, this shampoo feels really good.”
After I finished with her, the next lady came up. I said, “I heard from your friend, things are going very well for you at work.” The lady said, “That is true. We all got big bonuses this week. Carleen runs a great shop and still has time to mother her boyfriend. She says it’s because he never really had a mother, and after seeing her last week, I can believe it. If there was ever a woman who could be considered an appendage to a man, it was this woman.” I said, “Appendage? What do you mean? She’s like something added or attached to an entity of greater importance or size; or she’s like a part or organ, such as an arm, leg, tail, or fin, that is joined to the axis or trunk of a body?” The lady said, “Both, if you can believe it. She never left her husband’s side, and sometimes when she picked up something she was so close to him, it looked like he had picked it up.” I said, “That sounds odd.” The second lady said, “It was. The other thing was the way it affected Carleen’s boyfriend. His mother shook his hand when they came into the studio, and after she left, he started crying like a baby. We didn’t know what was going on until Carleen told us, ‘His mother made an effort to recover some of the closeness that's been lost between them. The overture has deeply moved my Josef.’ I thought it was a little much for handshake, but who am I to question. I got a great bonus. And whoa! Mister, I don’t know what you’re doing to my head, but I think I am about to make some noise.” She did.
Then I moved onto the third lady, while Carleen Stein was talking to her. The conversation went like this:
Carleen: You heard what this guy did to Josephine and Joanne. Jobeth, you are in for a treat.
Jobeth: Carleen, you are so sweet.
Carleen: Jobeth. Don’t call me ‘sweet.’
Jobeth: Sorry, Carleen. I forgot all about the Japanese restaurant disaster.
Carleen: It’s not your fault, Jobeth. I just need to remember that Josef does not act rationally around certain people.
Jobeth: They didn’t try to convince you to spend the inheritance money on those Heritage Houses again?
Carleen: No, fortunately. But ever since their university reunion on St. Patrick’s Day, Josef and Mike have been acting strangely.
Jobeth: What do you mean, “strangely”?
Carleen: All night long, Mike kept saying, “Jo and his love Carleen.”
Jobeth: That doesn’t sound too bad.
Carleen: No, but then he would say things to Josef like, “I am so glad we can talk about the things you never talked about before. You can discuss those things freely now with me, and with your love Carleen too, of course. All thanks to your father.”
Jobeth: “Things he never talked about before?” What was he talking about?
Carleen: I don’t know. He wouldn’t say. Then he started yammering about how they met Josef’s old skeptical professor at the reunion and he asked Josef to be a guest lecturer.
Jobeth: Josef? You should be the guest lecturer. You run the place. Before he met you, all he was doing was taking pictures of scantily-clad models for Portrait magazine.
Carleen: To be fair, Mike did give me some credit. He said, “I think Jo owes some of his success to sweet Carleen. Sweet, sweet Carleen who not only organizes Jo’s schedule, but she maintains his equipment.” Then he nudged Josef and they started laughing. Whenever Josef hears the word "sweet," he gets a strange look on his face. When I ask him what is going on in his head, he just says he is remembering university. I can't stand the word "sweet."
Jobeth: Weird. Oh. Oh. Oh mercy. I think I am about to…
Then the 3rd lady made a lot of noise. Carleen said, “Who’s your momma?” The 3rd lady said, “You are. I am going to have to make the trip to Milborough more often.”
Then I started on Carleen, while the other 3 ladies were having their hair styled. I said, “It sounds like things are going very well for you.” Carleen said, “You’re right. Things have never been better. Josef is one of the most sought after designer / photographers in Ontario.” I said, “He does graphic design too?” Carleen said, “No the lady you just gave a shamp-Oh to does that. Josef is completely computer illiterate. But it’s a part of the studio, so Josef gets credit.” I said, “Congratulations to you. It must be nice to not have any major problems.” Carleen said, “No major problems. Just minor ones, like remembering to shut our windows, so our neighbours don’t look in when it’s late at night and things like that.”
I said, “That’s excellent. I was estranged from my parents until recently, but we have reconciled.” Carleen said, “Were you raised by a nanny and sent away to boarding school?” I said, “Well, I was sent to the Milborough Training School for Boys and not raised by a nanny.” Carleen gasped and said, “You poor thing. I’ve heard all about that horrible place. Josef has been complaining about his upbringing for years, but it is very hard for me to feel any sympathy for him, particularly compared to what you must have gone through.” I said, “I survived, and I am doing well. I stopped losing money and I have kept out of jail.” Carleen said, “Josef was hemorrhaging money in his business and spent his time chasing after models, until I became his assistant and turned things around for him. If it weren’t for his family fortune he would have been destitute, the way he was running his business. He complains about his family, but he had no problem taking their money.” I said, “Josef is very lucky to have you.” Carleen said, “I am glad to hear someone say that and ohmyf**ingod, that feels, oh yeah, oh yeah. Woot! Woot! Woot!” The other ladies in the salon clapped and said, “Yay, Carleen!”
Anyway, that’s what happened. I thought you might be interested in hearing about it.
Howard K.
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