Earache
Just after my last post last nite, Mom, Dad, Mike, an' Dee showed up. And altho both kids were totally sleeping soundly, the mo that Mike an' Dee went 2 pick 'em up 2 take 'em home, Robin woke up and started screaming and pulling at his rite ear. Dee sed, "Oh, no, that's what I was afraid wd happen. The earache is back." She gave him sum meds & then she and Mike got themselves and the kidz packed up and out as fast as they cd. L8r, Mike called Mom and told her that Merrie had wanted 2 help by rocking him, so she sat in the rocking chair w/him on her lap, but that only lasted like a second B4 she sed she'd had enuf. Mike told Mom that he totally had a droopy "Tell me abt it" kinda look on his face shen she sed that. And also that she looked almost exactly like a mini Becky w/out freckles @ that mo. Weird, eh?
Apes
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:58 AM
32 Comments:
At 8:55 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your nindoozhim (nephew) and his earache. When I was growing up, my nishomis (grandfather) used to use a tea made from 1 teaspoon of the inner bark of ëmuckigwatigí or tamarack tree boiled and steeped for 30 minutes in a cup full of water. The warm tea was dropped in the ear to relieve earache. It worked on me. I remember it made me feel better almost immediately and was better than being rocked.
Your brother may have a tamarack near you. They are pretty common in Ontario and in Otter County where I live. They are one of the only conifers to drop its needles in the fall. They turn yellow before they fall.
I hope your nindoozhim (nephew) feels better soon.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 9:10 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I know Lizardbreath’s boyfriend means well with his First Nations tree remedy, but my son has got the best pharmacist in Ontario as his mother, so if there is any kind of medicine stuff to be done she would know how to do it. We just have to wait for my son’s meds to kick in and he will stop screaming and spraying tears out of his head. I cannot tell you how many times Dee’s knowledge of medicine has paid off around our home, every time the kids or I was sick, and especially for Dee personally. For example, each time Dee was pregnant with the kids, her experience with medicine has been…um…I think I am going to ask Lovey, our landlady, if we have any Tamarack Trees in the yard. My daughter just reminded me of something.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:13 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I am sorry your niece looks like Becky McGuire. Did Becky do something to her yesterday to change her looks? I have a roket for Becky, if she did.
Shannon Lake
At 9:30 AM,
howard said…
April,
First of all, I’m sorry your nephew has an earache. My aunt and uncle Kelpfroth, who live below your brother like the little boy and they hope he feels better soon, because his continuous crying has been echoing in their apartment all night and they have been tempted to thump the ceiling in protest, but have restrained themselves so far.
Second of all, and this is just between the two of us, your niece’s curly blonde hair that looks like Becky’s has always been suspicious to me. No one in your family has curly hair, and I have met your sister-in-law’s parents and they do not have curly hair. However, your niece’s lips are clearly a strong genetic trait from your sister-in-law and her mother, so there is no question whose mother is hers. There is a picture of your sister-in-law in her apartment which shows her with a curly-haired man standing in what appears to be Honduras, since there is a “Welcome to Honduras” sign in the background. The few times I have been in your brother’s apartment, I have noticed it is prominently displayed. It must have been a very important event in your sister-in-law’s life. You know what I mean?
Howard K.
At 9:51 AM,
Anonymous said…
Howard,
I know exactly what kind of lies you are trying to spread with my little sis. Your disguised language cannot fool an experienced writer like me. You are a very sick man to even suggest such things. I know exactly what you are trying to say about Deanna and Dr. Kevin Smyth. We get a Christmas card from him and his wife June from South America. He is married, so the evil thing you are trying to say is not true. Their Christmas card is always gracious and asks about how things are going with our daughter. That tells you what nice people they are.
Not only that, but I am looking at these pictures of Deanna when she was younger and her hair was clearly curlier than it is now. I will admit it is not nearly as curly as my daughter’s is, but there is an obvious curl to those pigtails. Besides, Dee has told me repeatedly that my daughter’s curly hair will straighten and be put into a bowl hair cut like hers was when she got to be older. When it comes to conceiving children, if you cannot trust your wife to be open and honest with you, then there is no one you can trust. You will see. When my daughter has her bowl hair cut, I will have the last laugh. Ha! See I am already practicing for it.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:58 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, www.beckysboobsrgr8.com. check it out. either that weeder guy iz a majour pervo, or rebeccah iz rilly, rilly proud of her boobs. both cud b true. az 4 ur niece, i am pretty sure rebeccah iz not the father. i have seen enuff of rebeccah 2 know she duzn’t have the equipment 2 do the job. i hope ur nephew feelz bettah soon. i dunno how many dayz i cud take of u tellin’ a "cryin’ baby nephew has an earache" story.
At 12:30 PM,
howard said…
Jeremy,
The contact information on that website is pretty much the giveaway as to who is responsible for its creation. It has the Valhalla e-mail address, phone number, and Becky's performance dates and times. I asked Thorvald about it and he said, "Hoskuld. Name me one female pop star today who has not shown a little public nip." Sadly, I could not name any.
April, the website does provide you an opportunity to examine Becky's areola carefully, without have to actually examine the real thing. As I told you yesterday, from looking at the pictures you can tell that Becky is going to be an overflowing banquet to our kids. Becky is going to be a great mom.
Howard K.
At 1:14 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i cannot tell u how many tymez i have been asked 2day ‘bout rebeccah’z boobz & how they feel & stuff. if jeffo bray wuz still n skool, he wud b rilly popular. i saw zandra larson get rilly mad @sum guy who asked duncan that same question. i know it wuz wut he asked him cuz aftah zandra sed sum wordz i didn't unnerstand 2 him, the 1st thing he did wuz 2 ask me the same question. pierce inverarity evn asked me how they were, cuz i guess he didn’t get that far w/rebeccah on hiz 1 d8 w/her. dirne wuz w/him wen he asked me & i don’t think i have evah seen her get az mad b4. i saw drew fontaine signin’ hiz name 2 pics of printed screen shots frum the website. thass gotta b illegal.
wen peeps 1st started askin’ me how they were, i just say they were gr8, cuz they were. but now i just say “gr8” 2 ne1 who evn tries 2 talk 2 me. it makes the convo go a lot faster.
@lunch, shannon lake sed, “hello…jeremy. how’z…the…burger?” i sed, “gr8.” eva sed, “mine iz a little dry. i shud nevah buy meat here. it just driez up frum b-ing constantly heated. i shud stick 2 chicken wraps. how’z urs, vicki?” i sed, “gr8.” eva sed, “i wuz talkin’ 2 vicki, not u, jeremy. u know wut i think ‘bout ur opinion on chicken wraps.” i sed, “gr8.” eva sed, “u don’t hafta get mad ‘bout it.” vicki sed, “the chicken wrap iz good az alwayz. aftah that rancid chicken wrap thing w/april’z mom last year, they r rilly good ‘bout making sure everythin’ iz fresh.” i sed, “gr8.” vicki sed, “& gr8. i get it, jeremy. u luv the chicken wraps.” shannon sed, “my…mom…had…2…deal…w/…april’z…mom…’bout…the…chicken….wraps. it…made…me…feel…rilly…sad…4…april.” i sed, “gr8.” shannon sed, “ur…so…sweet…jeremy. i…think…my…mom…iz…gr8…2.” eva sed, “if everythin’ iz done ‘tween u & dirne, do u wanna go out sumtyme?” i sed, “gr8.” eva, “oh, i’m so glad u sed yes. i thot u were mad cuz of wut happed @that engagement party.” vicki sed, “wut happed?” i sed, “gr8.” eva sed, “i won’t tell if u don’t want me 2, jeremy.” i sed, “gr8.” vicki sed, “i h8 it wen u stop sharin’, jeremy.” shannon sed, “i…wuz…there. nothin’…happed…xxcept…eva…got…drunk…&…threw…up…on…jeremy.” i sed, “gr8.” shannon sed, “well…thass…wut…happed.” vicki sed, “eva, u little slut. between that & ur smirk, u don’t know nething ‘bout gettin’ a guy. ‘course wen i 1st met gordie there wuz sum pain & mbarrassment nvolved 2.” i sed, “gr8.” vicki sed, “all i am sayin’ mr. ‘i don’t wanna hear that story again.’ iz that i think u2 wud make a cute couple. pain & mbarrassment can b a bond 2 bring 2 peeps 2gethah. look @april & gerald. he iz constantly mbarrassin’ her & they were nevah closer.”
we looked ovah @u & gigli. u were hittin’ gigli ovah the head w/a giant rolled up pic of rebeccah’z boobs.
vicki sed, “mebbe i shud pick a bettah xxample.” i sed, “gr8.”
At 3:36 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
That website is already gone, shortly after I talked to Thorvald this morning. By the way, he was quite pleased to tell me your shows at the Valhalla are sold out and you shouldn't try to play hooky anymore (like you did yesterday), which I guess was his whole plan in the first place.
By the by, I know you are not Merrie's birth mom. She doesn't have your lips. The mother is obviously April's big-lipped sister-in-law. The father, I am not so certain about.
Howard K.
At 6:38 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, mike, pls do not let ne1 give merrie a bowlcut. that is just cruel. whenev i c old pix of me w/the bowlcut, i just wanna cry. pls just let yr lil girl have pretty hair.
wow, eventful day w/every1 reacting 2 that website. ger, sorry i had 2 smack u over the head like that. becks, i'm glad they got the site down, & not just cuz ger was, like, drooling all over himself!
becks, i nev heard ne1 saying they thot u were merrie'z real mom. tho sum peeps have wondered if mayB dee had a lil secret when she was our age, eh?
apes
p.s. i hear that sagging doesn't come fr. breastfeeding, it comez fr. pregnancy. but also u burn loads of caloriez when u do it, so u get yr fig back faster.
At 7:49 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
The life of a performer is tough. When I was doing the pro opera circuit, a long time ago, every weekend was sleep all day, get and do the afternoon matinee, rest, do the evening show, and back to bed. I learned to do the fun stuff on the weekdays, which you can’t do because that’s when you go to school. I can talk to your father with you about getting time off, but you should bear in mind that you are the one that draws in the big paying crowds, not Arne the magician or me doing opera in the nude.
April has answered your sagging breast-feeding question. Getting your figure back is an essential for your career. As for touring on the road, I and the baby would have to travel with you and I would take care of everything involved with well-being of the baby and the mother, except for the breast-feeding, which I naturally cannot do myself. I am looking forward to the part I can do though. If the baby has an earache, I will be the one calling the doctor and putting the Tamarack Tree tea in its ear. You don’t have to worry about that stuff at all. I can’t wait to be a dad with you.
Howard K.
At 8:11 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Are you delusional? Of course my daughter is going to get a bowl haircut. You had a bowl haircut. Lizardbreath had a bowl haircut. I am seen old pictures of mom when she was young and she had a bowl haircut. With mom, I think they used a real bowl. Judging from the pictures, I would say it was the bowl we got after Grandma Marian died that had the mother duck and the ducklings decorating the sides.
A bowl haircut is a Patterson family tradition. Dee has had a bowl haircut since university and I think you will admit that she's a pretty girl. Even in her robe after a hot bath with her bowl haircut full of static - she's a beauty. It’s not just Dee’s perfect nails, and pointy tall boots, and nice clothes that give her that beauty. It’s her bowl haircut. I can’t wait until my daughter is old enough to get one.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 8:20 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i'm ovah @eva'z house studyin’ 4 our english exam. eva haz been smirkin’ @me a lot. it’s makin’ me nervous. i can’t tell if it’s the kind of smirkin’ she duz 2 let duncan know she likes him or just the kind of smirkin’ she duz cuz she likes 2 smirk. do u know a way 2 tell the diffrence?
At 8:44 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, i m not sure abt how 2 tell the diff betw eva'z smirks. mayB dunc knows?
mike, i swear 2 god, i will kidnap that girl b4 u 4rce a bowlcut on her. sum traditions r bad. if we had a tradition of child abuse in our fam, wd u insist on carrying it on?
dee'z not pretty cuz of her haircut. she'z pretty in spite of it. she'd b way prettier w/a more flatter 'do.
becks, brit-brit's a bad xample. i totally saw her bottlefeeding. look @ sarah jessica parker. she breastfed.
apes
At 9:02 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, there iz no way i am gonna ask duncan how 2 tell the diff betw eva'z smirks. evn if he knew, he wudn't give me the rite answer. he iz still mad @me wen i d8ed rebeccah aftah she broke up w/him. u rehearse n the band w/eva. i thot u wud know. i guess i will hafta hope it’s not the smirk i think it iz.
At 9:14 PM,
Anonymous said…
Smirk? What smirk?
Eva
At 9:20 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
I want our baby to be as healthy as possible. Not only that, but with your areolae and nipples, it would be crime not to breastfeed. Tori Amos, Erykah Badu, Madonna – all women with musical staying power, breast fed. I have this vision of you naked and pregnant on the cover of Vanity Fair, or even better, with pictures of you breastfeeding like Jerry Hall did once when she was with Mick Jagger. That would be so cube.
Thanks for thinking I am totally kewl at the Valhalla. I do have my loyal fans in the gay community, and it does have its place, since those performances are also strongly supported by and are done for the gays who make up almost all the workers at The Valhalla. But make no mistake; you are the star at the Valhalla. You make "Moon River," "As Time Goes By," "Dancing Cheek To Cheek," and those other old folks songs sound fresh and new. You are the reason why the weekend shows are usually sold out.
Howard K.
At 9:26 PM,
Anonymous said…
eva, u know the 1 where u say, “did u find that info n the encyclopedia or on wikipedia or n sum othah place on the internet?” then u smirk. or the 1 where u say, “y r peeps so xxcited ‘bout becky’s boobs? othah girlz have gr8 boobs 2, don’t u think?” then u smirk. or the 1 where u say, “if u saw dirne & pierce walkin’ by n skool, wud u wunt me 2 hold handz w/u 2 make them jealous?” then u smirk. thass wut i am talkin’ ‘bout. i am confuzed by thoze smirks.
At 9:27 PM,
April Patterson said…
this pic of lucy lawless is pretty cube.
apes
At 9:30 PM,
Anonymous said…
Oh, was I smirking those times? I thought I was looking charming and disarming. I'll have to practice some better expressions in the mirror.
Eva
At 9:46 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis? Kidnapping? I am beginning to understand why Lizardbreath tells me the word on the street is that you are “pretty hard to handle.”
Haircuts are not child abuse, which is a very bad thing, by the way, in case no one has told you that. As you should know, my best friend in high school, Gordon Mayes had to deal with an abusive father. Our beloved mother tried her best to help Gordon when we were growing up. Whenever Gordon had a bruise or a black eye he had gotten from his dad, she gave Gordon’s dad some of the sternest looks I have ever seen her give anyone. Then after Gordon and Tracey got married, mom and dad continued to support them until they became the financial success they are today. Gordon and Tracey Mayes’ success story is the perfect example of how our mom and dad took a strong stand against child abuse. I am very proud of them, for taking a stand, and I am sure you are too.
There will be no abusive forcing of a bowl haircut on my daughter. She will simply see how beautiful her mother is and she will want to be just like her. Just like my son will want to be just like me. Just like you want to be a great mother like mom. Someday, your hair will be styled the exact same way our mother’s is now, and I will look at your luscious locks and say, “Little sis is retired now.”
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:50 PM,
Anonymous said…
eva, charming & disarming. thass gud 2 know. now i know i know wut ur smirks were 4. u don’t hafta practice thoze bettah xxpressions n the mirror rite now. we have an english xxam 2morrow, remembah?
At 9:58 PM,
howard said…
April,
Thanks for the picture of Lucy Lawless breastfeeding. She’s a singer of sorts and she has also exposed her breasts in a public venue. She has also been known to wield an axe and a sword. So, she is a very good example for Becky to encourage her in breastfeeding. I have finished cleaning up the lice left over from Arne the magician’s disappearing lice trick, so I can do my late evening show. Should I be worried that Marjee Mahaha and Jennifer, your father’s dental assistant have both arrived to help me with my makeup for this evening’s performance?
Howard K.
At 10:08 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest April flower,
I can't wait until you are breastfeeding our children. It should only be another four or five years before you are! That will be very sexy. Also, I am excited that you will have an excuse to expose your lovely breasts in public. I hope I will be able to control that excitement.
How many children do you think we should have? My mother says the ideal number is zero. Mrs. McGuire says one is more than enough. In your family, and in the families of Patterson friends, two or three seems to be a requirement, unless you are abandoned by your Brazilian paramour and are unable to find a suitable husband for many years.
But I was talking to Howard, and he says big families are fun and that fatherhood is a blessing. Then we watched that movie, Cheaper by the Dozen. Howard showed me the original. Anyway, it looked like an ideal sort of life. In that movie, the mom and dad decide to have twelve children. The mom and dad both have busy careers, but the mom mostly gives hers up to stay home with the children. They live an idyllic life, despite having a teenaged daughter who is even more out-of-control than you are. Then, at the end, the father dies, and the mother has to support their twelve children. So she goes back to work, but instead of returning to her old field, she takes up her dead husband's work, so that she can glorify his name. I think it might have been their out-of-control teenaged daughter who grew up and wrote the story, but I'm not sure.
Anyway, all of that except the dead father part sounds really good to me. Your breasts will need to grow some if you are going to nurse our twelve children, though.
Devotedly, Gerald
At 10:23 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
My mom likes to take me to the weekly story reading at Beaver Centennial Public School. Most of the time it is good, but today it was not. Two girls dressed in black read Hipira The Little Vampire & it wasn’t Halloween. I think the girls are from our school. One of them is Duncan’s girlfriend, Zandra, because he showed up. The girls had a fight over what they were going to read. Zandra wanted to read something written by someone named Brontë, but the other one didn’t. I remember the other one was Zenia Parkinson, the girl who got in trouble for throwing Fred Halbmensch into a water fountain at school. Justin reads a lot better than they do.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 10:33 PM,
howard said…
April,
The original Cheaper by the Dozen is so much better than the modern Steve Martin versions. I am sure it goes without saying that the role I most identify with is that of the mother.
I tried to tell Gerald that breastfeeding success has nothing to do with the size of your breasts or nipples, as breast size is an inherited trait and determined by the number of fat cells you have. He wouldn't listen, he was so excited by the prospect of seeing you breastfeed in public, or as he called it, "My April flower's buds in full bloom."
Howard K.
At 10:35 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i think eva haz charmed & disarmed me. i b-lieve i am reddy 4 an english xxam 2morrow.
At 10:40 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest Howard flower,
I have heard that breastfeeding makes one's bosoms grow larger. My mother was just saying the other day that after nursing me and my brother, that her breasts stayed an A cup, instead of going back down to a AA. She said she would never forgive us for ruining her figure. Me and my brother, that is.
I was just thinking that this would be a wonderful thing for my April flower, because she has that small issue (I hesitate to call it a "problem") with her boobs sometimes retracting.
Devotedly (to my April flower), Gerald
At 10:51 PM,
howard said…
Gerald,
I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but I am sure you may have been aware (either consciously or unconsciously or subconsciously) that April’s mother’s body also experiences an “issue” with changing breast sizes. Sometimes her body looks her son’s and sometimes it looks like Iris Richard’s body. I suspect that April may experience this particular “issue” all her life, based on my observations about her mother. Perhaps you should concentrate on April’s other traits, like her great personality.
Howard K.
At 12:23 AM,
Anonymous said…
Dear Howard,
Thank you for that information, however disappointing. I confess that I have not spent much time looking at Mrs. Patterson's body. Usually, when I am around Mrs. Patterson, I am either concentrating on April's body, or on eating as much of Mrs. Patterson's delicious cooking as I can before I have to go home.
However, it sounds like I should probably start paying attention to how Mrs. Patterson looks. My mother says that a woman usually looks like her mother when she gets older. It sounds like this is true, if April and her mom have the same changeable breast size. But I'm not worried. I am sure Mrs. Patterson is the third most attractive older woman in Milborough (after my mother and our math teacher, Ms. Addingupp.
Sincerely, Gerald
At 1:13 AM,
Anonymous said…
gerald, ur mom? mrs. p? ur seriously whacked. ms. addingup iz totally hott tho. she iz quite a number & she iz rilly good w/figurez. i also like her geometric shape & her anglez &... ow!! i gotta stop. i don't think eva likes my math humour.
At 2:23 PM,
Anonymous said…
Boozhoo there,
Hey April, are you Ojibwa or have first Nations blood. If so, what reserve
Jay Saros
St. Croix First Nation
Hertel, Wisconsin, usa
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