Dee gets stuck!
Mike an' Dee an' the kiddlez R here, havin' brekkie w/us. They just kinda showed up. Dee just finished saying 2 Mom, "Elly! I wish I cd get my mother on board w/yr 'time, not gifts' philosophy! Just the other day, I had to ask her not to bring the kidz NEmore stickerz! She had just brot them Sticker Mania, & there were stickerz everywhere, just everywhere! My elbow, my arse, the chairz, the cabinets, the counter, the fridge, the washer/dryer, the wallz, the floor, Robin, the chairz, tablez, doorz, Merrie, the toyz, the couch, the vase, the artwork on the wall, and even on Mom herself! Well, I think she might've learned sumthing fr. that, but I guess I'm not holding my breath!" My mom just sort of nodded smugly and said, "Yes, one of the advantages of giving time instead of gifts is that time does not stick onto thingz & need to be scraped off and disposed of!" Dee teared up a little and nodded. Mike sed, "Mmm, good eats, Mom! Love theze Belgian waffles!" And I was, like, "I made them, Mike!" And he was like, "Oh, yes, April, of course you did," using that voice that sum peeps use 2 talk 2 v. small children or v. stupid adults. Arse.
So that was a pretty wild party last nite. I'm glad no1 ended up dead or in hospital, eh? I don't remember drinking NE alcohol last nite, but 4 sum reason, I passed out around 10. Ger sez he carried me 2 the back seat of Mom's Crevasse @ around midnite.
Apes
So that was a pretty wild party last nite. I'm glad no1 ended up dead or in hospital, eh? I don't remember drinking NE alcohol last nite, but 4 sum reason, I passed out around 10. Ger sez he carried me 2 the back seat of Mom's Crevasse @ around midnite.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:59 AM
22 Comments:
At 10:12 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, it figgers gigli wud say he carried u2 the back seat of ur mom's crevasse @ around midnite. ur bro showed up last nite & found out he missed the axe-throwin’ part & decided he wunted 2 compete, evn tho we were done w/the axe-throwin’ part. ur mom shrieked ‘bout how he wuz gonna wreck hiz writer’s handz & started @him w/her fryin’ pan 2 stop him. the only prob wuz, it wuz 1 of thoze tymez wen ur bro wuz lookin’ kinda girly & looked a lot like u, which i don’t unnerstand but have learned 2 accept. neway, ur mom iz like lethal w/a fryin’ pan & u went down nstead of ur bro. since ur dad & gigli were alreddy unconscious @that point, then she got me & howard 2 carry u2 the back of the crevasse, along w/gigli & ur dad. then she left w/ur bro. i guess ur bro musta called hiz wife & kidz 2 come ovah aftah that, but i dunno 4 sure.
At 10:25 AM,
howard said…
April,
Becky and I would like to thank you so much for hostessing our engagement party last night. I’m sorry you got frying panned across the head and missed the last ¾ of the party. It finished a few hours ago, and I have been cleaning up and transporting unconscious guests to their homes ever since.
I did get a call on my cell phone from my Aunt Winnie Kelpfroth this morning. She said she could tell that the kids from upstairs were gone this morning, when they woke up for the first time in a few days without finding stickers on them. I said, “You mean stickers on the kids, eh?” My aunt Winnie said, “No, Howard. Stickers on me and Mel. Somehow or other, those little scamps get into our apartment and sticker us up. They are all over the apartment, all at child level of course. We’ve been seeing the stickers all over our landlady and her husband and the other neighbours, Josef and Carleen. These little kids get around. I swear they could put stickers on their own mother or grandmother and they wouldn’t notice.” I said, “Maybe they have super stealthy kind of powers.” I was joking when I said it. My aunt said, very seriously, “Mel and I have been thinking that may be the case. But more likely they just filched the landlady’s pass key. She’s over at their apartment taking care of their kids so much, she might have accidentally left it where they could find it.”
Well, April, if they are super stealthy, you should look and see if you have stickers on you someplace.
Howard K.
At 10:36 AM,
April Patterson said…
omg, howard, i was abt 2 write that they cdn't poss get stickerz on me w/o me noticing, but just then i happed 2 glance @ myself in my full-length mirror. & sumhow, i have them, like, all over me! on my face, my back, shoulders, bum, legs, feet! i don't know how, but u r rite, they got me!!!
jeremy, that xplainz my headache this morning. & mom lookin' kinda shifty an' guilty.
apes
At 10:38 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about nidooshimikwem (niece) and nindoozhim (nephew) and their stickers. I have some younger cousins who enjoy sticker books too. When they visit Otter County I sometimes find stickers in places I did not expect to find them. Your mother is quite wise when she says they are there are better gifts that do not make as much of a mess. I will try to remember that when I have children, after I am married of course, hopefully with your sister. But it is too soon to think about that. I am still waiting for your sister to tell me she loves me back. I am sure it will happen soon.
Using stickers is not an Ojibway tradition, and we have no word in our language for stickers except for the sticker seeds, which is “ba`e.” It is not the same as the paper stickers with adhesive on them. They are those seeds that stick to your clothing.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 10:43 AM,
howard said…
April,
I sounds like those kids are tricky. It would be fun to try to catch them in the act. Kids are fun to play with. There were a lot of toasts last night given by Becky's father about us having kids. It seems kind of odd to think about such things when Becky is only 15, but I am looking forward to the day when I find stickers in strange places of my house--my makeup table, my lingerie drawer, my free weights, my wigs. You should enjoy it, while they are visiting.
Howard K.
At 10:45 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, ur mom looks kinda shifty & guilty all the tyme wen it comez 2u. thass my observation neway. i don't think she trusts u much.
sorry ur head hurts.
At 10:52 AM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, i think u r rite abt my mom & not trusting me. tho this time, i think she lks even guiltier & shiftier than usual, like she'z a lil ashamed of herself.
howard, u r rite, kiddlez r fun 2 play w/. i m abt 2 play candyland w/merrie. it's one of her favez.
paul, hope u'll b hearing that fr. liz soon, eh?
apes
At 2:17 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest April flower,
I can't wait until the day I get to have children with you. I think it would be ideal if we had our first baby while we are in college. I have a large trust fund, so you would not have to drop out of university, stay home, or type essays to pay the bills. Since classes only take up 15 hours per week, we would have lots of quality time with our baby(ies) during their formative years.
I was so excited that time you thought you were pregnant. I can't wait to be a dad. Mom is always calling me "her blond Adonis child," but I hope our baby has your muddy Patterson mop of hair, the small but somehow prominent Patterson tongue, and, of course, the delightful Patterson potato nose. We might have to wait on that one, though. From looking through your photo albums, it seems like the potato nose doesn't really start to grow until age 30 or so.
Devotedly, your future husband Gerald
At 2:47 PM,
April Patterson said…
ger, u r so sweet! mayB if we have 2 kidz, 1 will have blond hair like u & 1 will have mud-brown hair like me. sorta like how merrie & robin turned out. speaking of which, mayB u'd like 2 have a feel 4 what caring 4 little Pattersons is like? if so, c'mon over. mom, dad, mike, an' dee decided they wanted 2 go on sum kinda weird family dbl d8, & they left me in charge of the littles.
becks, i can c advantages 2 having just 1 or 2 having 2 or more. i guess there's time 2 decide, eh?
apes
At 3:22 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest April flower,
I'm on my way. Sorry for the delay. When I told my mother I was off to join you on a babysitting job, and that it would be good practice for future fatherhood to sit for little Pattersons now, Mater started crying. Then my brother ran over, said, "You made Mom cry!" and punched me in the stomach. I didn't throw up this time, but I did lay on the floor curled up in a ball for at least 15 minutes, until the pain subsided.
I'm walking over now.
Devotedly, Gerald
At 3:33 PM,
April Patterson said…
ger just got here an' merrie's putting stickers on him. ger looks v. cute w/stickers on him!
apes
At 3:57 PM,
Anonymous said…
kmny frinjgers asre cvofverde qwiutyh sdtricjkers.
fger
At 4:04 PM,
howard said…
April,
It sounds like you and Gerald are having fun baby-sitting. I remember when I used to baby-sit with my boyfriend during my early teens. Unfortunately, while I wanted to spend my time playing with the kids, he wanted to spend his time playing with me. It was not a good combination. I hope your time goes better.
By the by, Becky’s breasts are pretty great. As you may know the areola is roughly where the ducts of the mammary glands are. Careful inspection of a mature human nipple will reveal 15-20 small openings arranged radially around the tip of the nipple from where milk is released during lactation. If you ever have the opportunity to inspect Becky’s breasts and in particular her areola and nipple closely, you will see that she will not have any problems with breast-feeding whatsoever. Our children will be strong and healthly thanks to those great breasts.
Kelpfroths usually have pretty big families. I am one of 7 myself. I got the impression that Becky may find those numbers a little daunting. She was thinking more along the lines of 2, maybe 1 boy and 1 girl. Actually I am so pleased with the situation (the situation in which I could be married to Becky and have a family with her and she still understands that I am gay and have needs she can’t meet, which most girls would not accept), I would probably be happy with 1 child, as long as he or she looks like me. I had pretty much written off the possibility of being a family man until now. I have taken up my knitting again, which I have not done in years. Baby booties. 1 pink and 1 blue. I think they should be ready in plenty of time.
Howard K.
At 4:18 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, since rebeccah wuz talkin’ so much ‘bout how her boobs were gr8, u shud no peeps talk ‘bout how ur boobs r good 2. i remembah hearin’ sum girls say they wished their boobs wud grow & shrink just like urs do. um…that didn’t come out rite. wut i mean 2 say iz that they were like, jock girlz, so wen they were doin’ sports, they wunted their boobs 2b small, so it didn’t hurt, but wen they were tryin’ 2 mpress a guy, they wunted their boobs 2b big. they sed they wished they hadda button 2 press to reduce or ncrease their size, & they wondered where ur button wuz. and…that didn’t come out rite either. all i am rilly tryin’ 2 say iz that u have good boobs 2. no w8. gigli iz gonna b mad if i say that. so mebbe i shud say that n the chest area, u compare well 2 rebeccah. no. that duzn’t sound rite either. i think i shud stop now.
At 4:23 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I think I saw your mom, dad, brother, and sister-in-law out in Milborough. They were all pulling stickers off and they didn’t see them all. They were funny. I liked looking at them. I think I am lost now. No, wait, there’s mom coming back for me. She says for me to stopping staring at people and keep up.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 4:32 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Mom said I needed to write this to you:
1. Don’t let Merrie and Robin get into dad’s train stickers.
2. Don’t let Merrie and Robin tie you up.
3. Don’t bring over any boys while you are taking care of Merrie and Robin.
4. Don't bring over any selfish, only children while you are taking care of Merrie and Robin.
Incidentally, I am impressed with your choice in boyfriend and his loveable and laudable linguistic labours. I have no idea what “kmny frinjgers asre cvofverde qwiutyh sdtricjkers” means, but it sounds very sophisticated.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 4:44 PM,
April Patterson said…
howard, i don't think i m gonna inspect becks' nipz an' areolae, but now ger totally wants 2 inspect mine. i told him we'd hafta save that 4 when we r not babysitting. an' hanging w/becks.
mike, merrie and robin told me they wanna save the tying-up game 4 "attic guy", cuz it's the most fun w/him. 2 l8 abt the train stickerz. dad shdna left 'em out. i'm not allowing ne1 xcept v. responsible associates b here w/me, so no worriez.
apes
At 4:44 PM,
howard said…
April,
I got a call from Thorvald McGuire (Becky’s dad). “Your fiancée is sick. Did you give her some kind of disease?” I said I didn’t, but it looks like I am covering for Becky at the Valhalla tonight. I called up Marjee Mahaha to see if she would help me with my makeup and she said, “Ugh! I do not want to do shows tonight. I’m so sick of the Valhalla. Don't tell dad. Do you mind if I play hooky tonight?” I told her no, since she has been doing my makeup only as a favour to me anyway.
She said, “I think Becky rigged that axe-throwing contest yesterday. It makes me mad to think about it. We’re half-sisters, but sometimes Becky and I could not be more different.”
Howard K.
At 4:47 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i wuz walkin' n ur neighbourhood & got smacked n the face w/a lionel train sticker. thass the strangest thing. i thot only ur dad & duncan'z dad had thoze thingz. weird.
At 7:29 PM,
April Patterson said…
wow, my 'rents, mike, an' dee still rn't back! mom just called 2 say they're having so much fun they're gonna stay out till pretty l8. ger's making a fort w/sheets, blankets, & sofa cushions. becks brot sum cube dvd's.
apes
At 9:55 PM,
April Patterson said…
yeah, we ended up watching sum care bears vidz & the cat in the hat. now the littlez r crashed out & we've got full monty going.
apes
At 1:29 AM,
howard said…
Becky,
I agree with you 100% on the Care Bears. However, The Cat in the Hat (the original and not the Mike Myers version) has some catchy tunes and classic Chuck Jones animation and I think is worthy of our children.
I covered your shows at the Valhalla tonight and Jennifer (the dental assistant at Dr. Patterson's office) helped me with my makeup, since Marjee Mahaha was uninterested. Jennifer had seen my show often enough to know how the makeup should look. It was nice of her to step in like that, I thought.
Howard K.
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