April's Real Blog

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Miss Patterson regrets she's unable to lunch today

Liz mail:
Hey, Sis! How's it going? Weather's good here. Lakes are opening up, and when the ground thaws--there's mud everywhere! Kids are outside, so there's lots of activity here in Mtigwaki.

Yes, I see Paul when he has time off. Tell Mom to stop asking.

I helped Jesse's auntie pull quills from a porcupine skin. We used pliers, but they still got stuck in my hands. I can't wait for school to be over. I want to come home. Tell Mom and Dad and everyone that "Miss Patterson" ....Misses them very much.

Love,

Elizabeth
See what she did there, peeps? Miss/miss. What a Patterson!

So, this evening we have the Becky-Howard Viking-engagement party at the Mayeses'. Becky, Howard, Tracey, an' I have been making planz 4 it all wk. It starts @ 5 pm. Guests include Ger, Dunc, Zandra, Jeremy, Drew Fontaine, Pierce Inverarity, Taylor Morgan, Eva, Shannon, Vicki, Thorvald McGuire (Becks's dad), Thora (Becky's stepmom), Becky's mom Krystle, Ted McCauley, the Mayeses, Anthony, Weed and Carleen (Weed's doing photography), all the biker guys from the Valhalla, Zandra's uncle, Arne Larson, my 'rents (not sure Y), Zatasha LaBuque, Morton DiNapoli, an' Conradia Harbinger, and sum peeps I M 4getting rite now. Oh, rite--she even has Jeffo Bray going! 4 sum reason it was v. imp 4 Becks 2 have, like, all the guys she'z d8ed @ this party. She wants 2 xplain abt that herself l8r.

L8r,

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 7:04 AM  

40 Comments:

  • At 9:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings about my sweet girl sending e-mail to you. She’s looking forward to seeing you after school is over for the summer. She seems more anxious than usual to visit you, more anxious than I have seen her, even last December. I think she is having some pressure with her job, but all she will tell me about it, is that her boss Gary Crane has been acting more white than Ojibway lately. And also that I do not need to worry about it.

    The apartment she lives in is owned by Gary Crane, and he rents it out during the summer months. Summer time is the tourist season in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), and most people in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) who have rooms they can rent, like my relatives, can make a lot of money from rent in the summer months, which sustains them for most of the rest of the year. The Cranes charge a much higher rent rate at that time, more than your sister can afford. I told your sister she could probably find work in Otter County this summer and she could stay with me, but she said it would give her family the wrong idea about us. Your sister likes it when I am open and honest, so I do not know why she does not want to speak to your ngashi (mother) about how often she sees me. Your ngashi (mother) is a fine woman, and I know she would understand how much I love your sister and I want to spend as much time with her as I can. My own ngashi (mother) asks me all the time about my sweet girl, and I love talking to her about Elizabeth. She can’t wait to meet her, especially since she did not get to do that last December. I hope it happens soon. Maybe she can visit with them on the way to Milborough after school is out. I will ask.

    It is muddy around Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). The road to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) is not paved, so when I go there, my car is covered in mud. The last time I spoke to your sister, she talked about helping Jessie’s aunt Marge pull quills from a porcupine skin, using pliers. I had to try very hard not to be open and honest with your sister about that method. I mean no offence to Jesse Mukwa’s aunt, but if you use pliers, the quills can be damaged resulting in problems later on trying to dye the quills. If you ever visit Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), don’t buy any porcupine quillwork from her, unless you are just trying to make your sister happy. The quills should be very carefully pulled with bare hands. Leather or rubber gloves can be used but they tend to catch on the barbed quills. I know that sounds dangerous, and it is, but you get the best quality quill that way. It is tedious work, but the quillwork is so much better. Just to let you know, the quills come out more easily if a porcupine carcass is left on its own for a couple of days. My own ngashi (mother) does excellent quillwork, and when your sister comes to visit her, she can show her the proper way to remove the quills and not get stuck as much.

    I am sorry I have not written you about your writings much this week. Work has been keeping me busy. It sounds like you have a very interesting party coming up tonight. I think your friend’s plan to bring a lot of ex-lovers into the same room together to celebrate her engagement to another man is not very smart. However, you should have a good story to tell about it. If your sister and I ever marry, I will not want to see any of her ex-lovers at the wedding ceremony.

    I forgot to mention, I had this strange dream this week, and it has been bothering me. I dreamt that my stereo flew away into the sky and wouldn’t come back to me. This made me very sad, and cried a lot in the dream. When I woke up, it shook me. I don’t know why I would be so sad about a stereo. My partner says it means I want a new stereo, but I don’t think that is it.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 10:18 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Becky did have her first date with Taylor Morgan last night, and some things happened during the date, which I am sure Becky will want to tell you herself. I asked her if it would mess up her relationship with Taylor, knowing that tonight’s party is to celebrate our engagement. She said, “Howie. No boys in high school want to marry me. They’re too young to want to be tied down like that. Don’t get confused by Gerald with April. Gerald is not normal. Taylor is mainly interested in these.” And she grabbed her breasts to make sure I got the reference. I said, “You didn’t go to second base with Taylor on a first date, did you?” Becky said, “You’re not jealous are you, Howie?” I said, “No. Why should I be?” Becky said, “No reason.”

    As for the party itself, I have had to make sure that plenty of naked juice is ready to be able to handle Drew Fontaine. We will probably reenact the handsal with every male present who can clasp a hand, and say the set formula to be spoken over the handsal, which is the traditional Viking public declaration of the contract to marry:

    We declare ourselves witnesses that thou, bondest me in lawful betrothal, and with taking hold of hands thou promisest me the dowry and engagest to fulfill and observe the whole of the compact between us, which has been notified in the hearing of witnesses without duplicity or cunning, as a real and authorized compact.

    Then there is a lot of toasting and the drinking of mead and Brennevin and Becky wants to sing a song she has composed especially for the occasion.

    As for your sister and her e-mail to you, her description of life in Mtigwaki sounds like sheer torture. Children playing in mud and her taking pliers to a dead porcupine. I am not surprised at all she misses you and wants to come back to Milborough as soon as possible. She should leave now and come to the party.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 10:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i hafta agree w/howard. pulling stuff outa dead porcupines soundz like sum kinda medieval torture. about 2nite’s party. if pierce inverarity iz gonna b there, then that meanz dirne aufkleber is prolly gonna b there, & i rilly don’t wanna c her rite now. i think i may skip. since i am 1 of the peeps rebeccah usedta d8, i have a bad feelin’ she haz sum kinda humiliation n store 4 us. mebbe xxplodin’ clownz. i think i am gonna skip.

     

  • At 10:20 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    paul, i have a lil story abt liz that mite help u understand sum stuff abt her. or mayB not. but here goes.

    1x, liz came home from university wearing a v. v. cute pair of shoes. they were black leather, with a sort of chunky low heel and sum very cool strapz w/funky silver buckles. i was all, "liz! i luv yr shoez! where did u get them?"

    insteada just, like, telling me what store they came fr.? she was all, "well, april. what an interesting question. y do u want 2 know? is it b-cuz u want 2 get a pair just like them? i don't know if i want my little sister wearing shoez just like mine. or is it b-cuz u don't really like my shoez & u r mocking me? b-cuz if that's the case, then it's not v. nice. or mayB u r implying that they cost a lot of $ & u r wondering how i cd afford 2 go out & get nice new shoez when i'm on a uni-student's budget? or u mean that i shd have been home studying 4 my x-amz instead of wasting my time shopping 4 shoez?" @ this pt i kinda lost interest & went 2 becky's house.

    but my pt is, liz gets really touchy whenev ppl ask her questionz, even minor onez. i m not sure y she gets this way, but that's the way she is.

    hth!

    apes

     

  • At 10:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    That cop is rong. My auntie is grate with porkypine quils. My auntie can pul quils with pliarz that maks his mom look sik. He’s jellus becoz in my dream, I get a stereo. Paul Cop is a loozer. He will looze his stereo and his girl. He is too stoopid to no she does not luv him. She luvs me. To bad she missed her chans with me. I luv Susan now. Susan. Susan. Susan. If she gav me the cop’s stereo, I woud chanj my mined.

    Jesse Mukwa

     

  • At 10:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings about my sweet girl and her shoes. I believe your story completely. When I called my sweet girl to ask her if she would come visit my parents with me in White River on her way to go back to Milborough over the summer, she said, "Well, Paul. What an interesting question. Why do you want to know? Is it because you want to keep me from getting back to Milborough? I don't know if I want to postpone my time in getting to see my little sister. Or is it because you don't really like my family and you are mocking me? Because if that's the case, then it's not very nice. Or maybe you are implying that I cannot find a ride home by myself, when I am on a teacher’s budget? Or you mean that I should have visited your family in December, instead of wasting my time on the helicopter with Warren?" At this point, I apologized many times for asking the question. You are right about your sister and questions. I will definitely remember to use only statements with her in the future. I don’t want to upset my sweet girl.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 10:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I got invited to Becky’s party tonight. I thought she didn’t like me. Does she think I dated her? If we did, I don’t remember it. I went to a party at her house once. Does that count as a date? My mom wants to know if there is going to be someone at the party to make sure I don’t get lost. I got lost the last time I went to a party. My mom says I have to come home when people start drinking. Your boyfriend Gerald gets drunk a lot and my mom doesn’t want me around teenage drinkers.

    Love,
    Shannon Lake

     

  • At 10:45 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, becks told me that she specifically disinvited dirne bcuz of sum kinda fashion-rel8ed disagreement she had. i hear that dirne tried 2 convince pierce not 2 go cuz a "good bf" doesn't attend a party his gf has been disinvited from. & that pierce told her he hearz becky might flash him. i'm not sure where he got that idea. & then i hear dirne told him that was all the more reason not 4 a gd bf 2 attend. & then i hear pierce sed he was not passing up a chance 2 get a glimpse of "becky's twins".

    also, becks sed she wanted u 2 do sound & she was gonna pay u 4x yr normal fee.

    jeremy & howard, i agree abt pulling quills outta dead stuff. ew.

    apes

     

  • At 11:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis! I am quite glad you provided Lizardbreath’s e-mail to you in your Blog in its entirety for me to view. You can tell, that despite her excellent education at Nipissing, she is not a professional writer trained at Western. (Go Mustangs!) For one thing, she has almost forgotten to use the all-important determiners. As I am sure you know, determiners are those little words that precede nouns: the teacher, a college, that person, those people, etc. Lizardbreath uses the ground and a porcupine, but all the other nouns are determiner-less. If I were to read her letter to you out loud, I would sound like one of those fake Chinese people, like in the old Charlie Chan movies. I do a great fake Chinese person imitation, incidentally. “Number 1 son is good actor.”

    Fortunately, you have your big brother, the professional writer to guide you. Determiners are your friend. They should be included in every English essay you write, unless of course your teacher specifically asks you to write an essay without determiners as some sort of inhumane punishment. You certainly don’t deserve any kind of inhumane punishment, except maybe for throwing a party at Gordon’s house and inviting everyone in the family and even our neighbours, Weed and Carleen, but not me and Deanna. I am forgiving. I can understand. Perhaps you think that your big brother has so many deadlines that he cannot spare the time to travel the tremendous distance to Milborough to a party being held at the house of one of his oldest and dearest friends, Gordon Mayes. It is just as well. I have a manuscript to edit, and I am going to mark up every section in it that does not include determiners.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 11:15 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i think rebeccah may have used the “flashing the boobs” thing 2 get peeps 2 come. i got an invite that pretty much spelled it out that way, n addition 2 the nice 1 w/vikings & valkyrie & hearts & flowahz on it, u sent. i am so happy rebeccah wunts me 2 do sound w/no advance notice & can’t tell me herself. typical rebeccah. that makes me feel rilly gud. i’ll b there, but don’t xxpect me 2b happy ‘bout it. i think this rebeccah-howard engagement iz just creepy b-yond wordz. he’z like, 10 years oldah than she iz, & he’z gay.

     

  • At 11:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings about not liking the idea of pulling quills out of dead stuff. I think I should tell you it is only the porcupine hide, and not the whole porcupine. A whole dead porcupine which would smell quite bad and it would be unhealthy to touch. Think of it like pulling hair out of a fur coat, only the fur coat has sharp spines on it that can cut your hands and the spines feel like they have been cemented into the hide. Otherwise, it is just the same.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 11:45 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, i think liz was just being informal. i didn't have trub knowing what she meant. btw, i was not in charge of becky's invitation list.

    jeremy, i'll b prepared 4 u 2 b there but not happy. the food will b good, in case that helps.

    apes

     

  • At 11:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, good food duz help. i alwayz thot u were a good cook & gigli sez it's 1 of the big reazns he wunts 2 get married 2u. 'course w/wut his mom cooks 4 him, i dunno if thass a compliment or not. the few tymez i have had ur cookin', i cud eat it & it didn't make me sick or nething. i called up the mayez 2c wen i cud set up the sound equip. he sed not 2 bring ne weaponz. i dunno wut he iz xxpectin'. but w/rebeccah'z dad, he iz prolly b-ing smart. i don't wanna c ne axes comin' @my neck, cuz the sound wuzn't az good az he wunted it.

     

  • At 5:19 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    k, so i m writing this from the mayeses' place, & the party is starting. 1 thing 2 know abt this place is there is lots & lots of gold-coloured stuff. gold paint on the walls, gilded mirrors, gold-leaf tables, golden candelabraz, metallic-gold upholstery, u name it, if u can get it in gold, it's gold here.

    nehoodlez, the guests r arriving, & i hadta apologize 2 marjee cuz 1 4got 2 mention her in this morning blog entry. she sed it was no big, but i felt bad, neway.

    oh, howard, becks, marjee, ger, thorvald, thora, & i r all wearing traditional icelandic costumez that thorvald picked out. every1 else is pretty much wearing normal clothes. well, i gotta go. becks is all, "apes! put yr fone away & get bizzy w/partying already!"

    apes

     

  • At 6:52 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky told me I look totally hot in my traditional Icelandic black suit with a gold tie, kind of like a tuxedo with a pointed hat, but with all those extras that just screams, “Icelandic.” I not sure why, but I kind of like it when Becky calls me hot, for some reason.

    Thorvald managed to get all the guys in the room: Gerald Forsythe-Delaney, Duncan Anderson, Jeremy Jones, Drew Fontaine, Pierce Inverarity, Taylor Morgan, Dr. McCauley, Dr. Patterson, Gordon and Paul Mayes, Anthony Caine, Orque, Basher, Arne Larson, Jeffo Bray, and some guy I don’t know named Morton DiNapoli to all clasp hands with me and Thorvald for the handsal while Josef Weeder took pictures.

    Then they repeated the traditional Viking public declaration of the contract to marry back while Thorvald said the words. They are being pretty good sports about all this considering, but Jeffo Bray said, “When do we get to see Becky’s boobs?” Thorvald said, “All in good time,” which was not the answer I was expecting.

    I should have know something was up, because then Thorvald said, “Just as in the Völsunga Saga, when Sigmund fell in love with Hjordis, the beautiful daughter of King Eylimi and had to complete against against other powerful and younger kings, including Lyngi, the son of King Hunding; so according to Viking tradition Hoskuld must now compete with his rivals for Becky-Thora’s hand." Becky said, “No. They are not here to compete. They are just here to make them jealous.” Thorvald said, “Nonsense, Becky-Thora. When I discovered that you had invited all your ex-boyfriends here, I knew you were planning to honour our Viking ways. I am so proud of you remember the Völsunga Saga." Thora said, “I wish I had men compete for me before I got married to Thorvald.” Thorvald said, “See, Thora knows the proper way things should be done. Out into the yard. The axe-throwing competition will begin there. I have already prepared the throwing target and axes.” Whoever wins will not only get to see Becky-Thora’s boobs, but he will get all the rancid shark meat he can eat and all the Brennevin he can drink.” Pierce Inverarity said, “Brennevin? What’s that?” Drew Fontaine said, “The new hot beer.” Pierce said, “I’m in.” Jeffo said, “Me too.” Jeremy Jones said, “I am definitely not in.” Thorvald roared at Jeremy, “You will compete or you will face the blade of Battle Troll.” Jeremy said, “OK. OK. I’ll go throw an axe.”

    So, all the man have gathered to throw axes, including Gerald, which April is not happy about, but she doesn’t want Thorvald to cut him with Battle Troll.” Gordon Mayes has gone off somewhere, but he said he will return in time to throw an axe. Elly Patterson said to Thorvald, “This isn’t team sports is it?” Thorvald said, “No. Individual competition.” Elly said, “That’s much better. John, you can throw an axe with all the other boys.” Anthony Caine said, “Well. I should probably throw an axe too, just so John knows I am good enough to marry, um, someone very special who is not a Quebecois or an underage girl.” Dr. McCauley said, “The only reason I am throwing this axe is so I can show off for Krystle. Apparently sight of a man wielding a large bladed object gets her excited, so things may go very well for me tonight.” Morton DiNapoli said, “I’m not supposed to handle sharp instruments after what happened to my pet gerbil.” Thorvald said, “What happened to your pet gerbil.” Morton said, “I shaved him with a butter knife.” Thorvald said, “There are no gerbils here.”

    Taylor Morgan said, “I’ve only been on one date with Becky. I don’t want to marry her.” Gerald said, “You don’t want the other guys to show you up. It will damage your psychosexual self.” Taylor said, “OK. I wouldn’t want to damage that. It sounds bad.” Gerald said, “It is.” Arne Larson said, “I wonder if I can put axe-throwing into my act? This is a good opportunity to try it.” Orque and Basher said to me, “You’re going down, Howard.” I said to Thorvald, “This isn’t a fair competition, Thorvald. None of these guys have my experience with sharp knives.” Thorvald said, “We shall see, Hoskuld. I will throw the first axe.”

    Well the competition is about to begin. Wish me luck.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 6:58 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i've been trying 2 post 4 abt 40 minz but having blogger trubz. so, ger has a drool spot on his gold dress shirt fr. when he had his jaw hanging open.

    this axe thing is pretty scary. i m nervous for ger.

    apes

     

  • At 7:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    the competition so far:

    thorvald hit the target @15 meters.
    gigli hit the target @15 meters.
    duncan hit the target @15 meters. zandra got rilly xxcited ‘bout this.
    drew fontaine hit the target @15 meters. he sed, “i’m gonna c sum boobs.”
    pierce inverarity missed the target & got rilly ticked off. howevah, it motiv8ed me, since dirne showed up neway, evn tho april told me she wuzn’t gonna b here.
    i hit the target @15 meters & that made pierce evn madder.
    taylor morgan hit the target @15 meters.
    dr. mccauley missed the target.
    dr. patterson missed the target when he fell backwards tryin’ 2 throw the axe.
    paul mayes missed the target. the axe wuz a little heavy 4 him.
    anthony caine did this thing where it looked like he was tryin’ 2 fall backwardz, just like dr. p did. neway, he did not hit the target.
    orque hit the target & sed 2 howard, “goin’ down.”
    basher hit the target & sed 2 howard, “goin’ down.”
    zandra’z uncle arne hit the target & sed, “i wondah if i can do that blindfolded.”
    jeffo bray hit the target & sed, “i’ve alreddy seen becky’s boobs, but the free beer iz gonna b mine.”
    morton dinapoli hit the target dead center & he wuz kinda scary wen he did a dance aftahwardz.
    howard hit the target dead center 2, but it wuzn’t that mpressive aftah morton did it.
    then gordon mayez hit the target dead center, which i think shocked every1 ncludin' tracey mayez. paul mayez sed, "way 2 go, dad!!"

    gettin’ ready 4 the next round. the peeps who hit @15 meters hafta hit @20 meters now. it’s good thing mr. mayez haz such a big yard.

     

  • At 7:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    the competition 2nd round:

    thorvald hit the target @20 meters.
    gigli hit the target @20 meters & he sed, “thorvald haz been trainin’ me 4 months. i dunno yu all look so shocked.”
    duncan hit the target @20 meters. zandra luks like she iz ‘bout 2 well, i dunno how 2 call it. i think duncan may get lucky 2nite. i guess axe-throwin’ iz kinda goth. mebbe frankenstein threw axes or sumthin’.
    drew fontaine hit the target @20 meters. he sed, “boobiez. boobiez.”
    i missed the target, but @least i did bettah than pierce inverarity.
    taylor morgan hit the target @20 meters.
    orque hit the target & sed 2 howard, “goin’ down.”
    basher hit the target & sed 2 howard, “goin’ down.”
    zandra’z uncle arne hit the target while he wuz wearin’ a blindfold & sed, “i wondah if i can do that standin’ backwardz & blindfolded.”
    jeffo bray missed the target & sed, “it duzn’t mattah. i’ve alreddy seen becky’s boobs, & they’re not that gr8.”
    morton dinapoli hit the target dead center & he did an evn freakier dance. elly patterson covered john’s eyez.
    howard hit the target dead center again.
    gordon mayez hit the target dead center. tracey sed, “but u don’t have the strength 2 do this.” gordon sed, “i njoy a little friendly competition.” paul mayez iz b-side himself w/pride, "dad’s gonna win this!!"

    gettin’ ready 4 the next round. the peeps who hit @20 meters hafta hit @30 meters now. i nevah knew mr. mayez had such a big yard till i saw thorvald measure it out. it’s huge.

     

  • At 7:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    the competition 3rd round:

    thorvald hit the target @30 meters.
    gigli hit the target @30 meters & he sed, “uc april. i am a viking warrior.” april just looks worried.
    duncan missed the target, but the way zandra iz actin’, i don’t think he carez. eva iz lookin’ rilly ticked off rite now.
    drew fontaine missed the target and he sed, “oh well. i guess there’z alwayz on-line porn.”
    taylor morgan missed the target & he sed, “we’re still goin’ out next weekend, rite becky?” becky sed, “yes, but we’re not engaged.”
    orque hit the target & sed 2 howard, “goin’ down.”
    basher hit the target & sed 2 howard, “goin’ down.”
    zandra’z uncle arne tried 2 hit the target while he wuz wearin’ a blindfold & standin’ backwardz.” he almost hit tracey mayez. he sed, “i guess we’ll leave this part outa the act.”
    morton dinapoli hit the target dead center & he looked like he wuz havin’ an epileptic fit w/hiz dance. he creeps me out.
    howard hit the target dead center again.
    gordon mayez hit the target dead center. tracey sed, “i think i’m goin’ on a little gordo ride 2nite.” gordon sed, “az long az ur doin’ all the work.” paul mayez haz been cheerin’ & so iz his sis, rosemary.

    gettin’ ready 4 the next round. the peeps who hit @30 meters hafta hit @40 meters now. how big iz this yard, neway?

     

  • At 7:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    the competition 4th round:

    thorvald missed the target & sed, “i rilly don’t wanna marry becky-thora. it wuz only n the spirit of competition.”
    gigli missed the target. april looks relieved, he iz outa the competition.
    orque missed the target & sed 2 howard, “there’z no way ur gonna hit that.”
    basher missed the target & sed 2 howard, “wut he sed.”
    morton dinapoli hit the target just barely. he looked like he wuz gonna cry. “i didn’t hit it dead center” this guy iz whacked.
    howard hit the target again & also not dead center.
    gordon mayez hit the target dead center. tracey & paul & rosemary mayez 4r all cheerin’ “daddy’z gonna win. daddy’z gonna win.”

    gettin’ ready 4 the next round. the peeps who hit @40 meters hafta hit @50 meters now. i dunno how they are gonna do it, cuz i cudn’t b-lieve they did it @40 meters.

     

  • At 7:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    the competition 5th round:

    morton dinapoli missed the target & he lost it. dr. mccauley hadda sed8 him. howard looked like he missed the target, but thorvald sed he nicked it. gordon mayez hit the target dead center. paul & rosemary mayez r all cheerin’ “daddy won. daddy won.” tracey sed, "wut do u need w/a yungah wife?" thorvald sed, “how iz this possible?” then he sed, “hey! gordon fatass, ur not uzin’ a regulation axe.”

    it turned out that mr. mayez had gotten sum kinda speshul computer-aided axe which flew 2 the target w/o the thrower havin’ 2 do nething. i kinda wondered y mr. mayez had that till i remembered hiz relationship w/thorvald wuz a little odd, w/the tradin’ kidz & stuff. thorvald didn’t seem upset @all. he sed, “gordon fatass. a trick worthy of loki himself. howevah, u do not win the competition. i declare hoskuld the winner.” i sed 2 howard, “u didn’t learn howta throw an axe like that frum cookin’ did u?” he sed, “no, jeremy. @1 point n my life i worked n a circus & the axe-thrower wuz 1 of my loverz. let’s just say, he had unusual bedroom techniques.” thass i wunted 2 hear neway. howard iz a freak.

     

  • At 8:09 PM, Blogger howard said…

    I thought the competition went pretty well. My arm is pretty sore though. I haven’t had to have that kind of accuracy with an axe since my circus days. Well there was that incident in Mtigwaki last year, but that doesn’t really count.

    Then Marjee Mahaha said, “Hey, Thorvald. What about the ladies competition? Don’t we get to compete for Hoskuld?” Thorvald said, “Marjee Thorvaldsbastarddottir, there is no Viking tradition for the women to compete.” Thora said, “There was the goddess Hel.” Thorvald said, “Oh very well. Are there any women who want to compete for a gay opera singer?” Marjee said, “I do. Howard is a fantastic cook, he cleans, he does laundry, he is an expert at massage, and he’s muscular and he knows his way around the bedroom.” Thorvald said, “This competition is open to everyone. I want to compete.” Marjee said, “That wouldn’t be fair.” Thora said, "Women only."

    So now all the women have lined up to compete. Becky said, “You ladies are going down. No one here has been trained by their fafa to throw axes.” Thora said, “I think you are mistaken.” Becky gasped, “But you’re married to Thorvald.” Thora said, “The Crowne does not recognize it.” Becky gasped again. Tracey Mayes said, “Can I use Gordon’s axe?” Thorvald said no. April was not going to compete until Gerald started taunting her about being better than Becky, which I guess is some sort of hot button issue for April. Zandra said, “I always wanted to try axe-throwing.” Her uncle Arne said, “Let me give you some tips.” Eva said, “This should be fun. Something else new to try to keep me from being erased again.” Shannon said, “I…am…not…supposed…to…handle…sharp…things. I’m…in.” Vicki Simone said, “Well, if everyone else is doing it. Howard is a good cook.” Krystle said, “I’m just in it to keep everything honest and to see if I can still throw an axe back from when I learned from Thorvald, when we were married.” Carleen said, “Get some pictures of this, Josef.” Elly Patterson was not going to throw until Krystle said, “Imagine, Elly. Howard making pastries for you all day long.” Elly said, “My love of pastries will guide my aim.” Zatasha LaBuque said, “If it’s goth enough for Zandra.” Conradia Harbinger said, “This whole thing is going to end in disaster. I can just see it. I am definitely in.”

    This is pretty tough competition. I am not sure how Becky can win this.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 8:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Gerald is giving April some pointers right now. I'm limbering up now. Things are going to get very interesting!

    Marjee

     

  • At 8:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    the competition so far:

    becky hit the target @10 meters.
    tracey mayes missed. she sed, “anothah battle i have lost recently. where’z my drink?”
    april hit the target @10 meters & did a little dance. she stopped wen gigli started sayin’, “shake it baby! shake that groove thang!”
    zandra hit the target @10 meters & sed “thanx uncle arne. that trick worked.” duncan looks like he cud propose rite now.
    eva missed & she looked ticked off zandra hit it. she sed, “just anothah thing zandra beats me @.”
    shannon missed. she sed, “it…wuz…fun…2…play…w/...the…axe.”
    vicki simone missed. she sed, “i guess gordie iz the athlete of us 2.”
    thora hit the target @10 meters & sed, “ur gonna b mine, hoskuld.”
    becky's mom krystle hit the target @10 meters & sed, “only if u beat me 2 him, bitch.” dr. mccauley looked both disturbed & aroused @the same tyme.
    rosemary mayes cudn’t pick up the axe. she sed, “oh well. it’s good practice 4 gisli’s engagement party.”
    carleen stein missed & sed, “ru gettin’ good pics josef? we gotta have sumthin’ 2 sell.”
    zatasha labuque missed. she sed, “i guess sum1 will say i am a bad teenager 4 not throwin’ an axe az well az the adults.”
    conradia harbinger missed. she sed, “i knew this wud happen.”
    marjee mahaha hit the target @10 meters. she sed, “i am bringin’ it, ladiez.”
    elly patterson hit the target @10 meters az she sed, “pastries guide my aim.”

    gettin’ ready 4 the next round. the peeps who hit @10 meters hafta hit @15 meters now. there’z sumthin’ ‘bout girlz throwin’ axes that iz messin’ w/my brain. i wondah if that photog guy, weed, iz gonna b sellin’ thoze pix.

     

  • At 8:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    the competition 2nd round:

    rebeccah hit the target @15 meters.
    april missed the target. gigli sed, “don’t worry my little april flower. i luv u neway, evn tho ur axe-throwin’ skillz r not like becky’s” that ticked off april & now gigli iz tryin’ 2 apologize.
    zandra missed the target, but duncan duzn’t care.
    thora hit the target @15 meters & sed, “ur gonna b livin’ n my kitchen, hoskuld.”
    becky's mom krystle missed the target @15 meters & sed, “dammit!”
    marjee mahaha hit the target @15 meters. she sed, “ic sum shamp-ohs n my future.” becky iz not happy w/her ½-sis.
    elly patterson hit the target @15 meters az she sed, “pastries show me the way.” dr. p iz 2 bizzy talkin’ w/anthony caine ‘bout hiz personal life 2 notice.

    gettin’ ready 4 the next round. the peeps who hit @15 meters hafta hit @20 meters now. i think i changed my mind. theze girlz r kinda scary. i wondah where dirne went w/pierce. gotta put that outa my mind. thorvald wunted sound fx 4 the competition, which i am addin’ n.

     

  • At 8:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Chix with axes. It's gonna be the next big thing. No, the next HUGE thing! I'm gonna really give Michael Patterson something to fawn over in his June letter!

    Weed

     

  • At 8:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    the competition 3rd round:

    rebeccah hit the target @20 meters.
    thora hit the target @20 meters & sed, “ur gonna b givin’ me massages evry day, hoskuld.” howard sed, “i alreddy do that.” thora sed, “longah 1s.”
    marjee mahaha missed the target. she sed, “oh well. i guess i tried howard.”
    elly patterson missed the target & she sed, “pastries, how cud have failed me? iz this a sign i need 2 diet or try eatin’ coffee cake nstead?”

    gettin’ ready 4 the next round. the peeps who hit @20 meters hafta hit @25 meters now. it’s just down to rebeccah & thora & i don’t know how rebeccah can win. thora iz like a monster w/that axe.

     

  • At 9:01 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dang, ger really p.o.'ed me w/that becky comment. now that i'm mad, i'll bet i cd hit the target @ 25m. 2 bad i've been knocked out of the comp.

    apes

     

  • At 9:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    the competition 4th round:

    this iz kinda funny.
    rebeccah hit the target @25 meters. then just az thora wuz ‘bout 2 throw she sed, “i don’t think ur showin’ thora. ru sure u gotta viking boy n there? i think u mite have a little petite viking girl.” i think rebeccah wuz talkin’ like that cuz thora iz pregnant & thorvald wunts a son. well that speech got thora goin’ & she missed the target & went off 2 throw up sumwhere. thorvald declared rebeccah the winner. i am glad. i am gettin’ rilly hungry & tired of the axe-throwin’.

    i sed 2 rebeccah, ur not nearly az strong az thora w/an axe. how did u do that? rebeccah sed, “fafa gordon loaned me another axe he had. don’t tell, jeremy.” i sed, “u know i won’t. howard may b weird, but thora iz ‘bout the scariest woman i have seen.” rebeccah sed, “compared 2 sum women n my famly, she iz a pussy cat.” i kinda remembered a famly gatherin’ ovah thanksgivin’, so she’z prolly rite.

     

  • At 9:18 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky said to me, “You see Howie. I can defend myself against other women.” I said, “With Gordon’s help, you can.” Becky said, “Rats. You figured it out.” I said, “25 meters is a long way for a 15-year-old girl to throw an axe. After Gordon used his computer-aided axe, it was pretty easy to figure out what was going on.” Becky said, “Well. As long as fafa Thorvald doesn’t notice. Then I don't have to shiv my stepmom in a dark alley.” I said, “You're just kidding I hope. Anyway, Thorvald is too busy toasting you with Brennevin to notice the unusual quality of your axe. I think you have hit a new level in fatherly pride.” Becky said, “Good. You don’t mind if I spend a little time talking to Taylor Morgan now, do you?” I said, “You have a good time. He seems like a nice fellow.” Becky said, “Don’t mess around with Marjee.” I said, “I’m gay, remember? You should be warning me about Morton DiNapoli. He’s pretty good with an axe.” Becky said, “He’s one scary kid. He gives teenagers a bad name. That whole gerbil thing. Brr!!” I said, “I was just kidding about Morton. Go have fun with Taylor.”

    And that’s what Becky is doing. Or is she gloating? I can't tell.

    Did Thorvald just give a toast to my genital length and fertility? April’s mom doesn’t appear happy with that. I think she is toasting next.

     

  • At 9:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Mrs. Patterson gave a nice toast to Becky. She said that a gay, cross-dressing shampoo girl was just the kind of person that an only child from a broken family should get for a husband. Then she said a few nice things about how she hoped they would visit and bring pastries to her as retirement gifts and a consolation prize for losing the axe-throwing contest. Mrs. Patterson is a package waiting to be opened. I see why April is so nice. She gets it from her mom.

    Love,
    Shannon Lake

     

  • At 9:27 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg. ppl shd never let my mother toast. omg.

    apes

     

  • At 9:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hello, April's readers! I ditched the wife and kids to crash this party and check in on my dear friend and associate Jo Weeder, whose genius is nearly as delicate as my own. Looks like a happening party!

    Love,

    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 9:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I wasn't having very much fun, so I decided to get drunk. I feel much better nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

     

  • At 9:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    That Arne guy is trying to convince me to be his assistant for his "illusion" act. Or maybe he wants my breasts to be his assistant. He keeps talking to them.

    Marjee

     

  • At 9:36 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks is singing a song. i think it's called "here they r, u can't have 'em, now u c 'em, now u don't", as far as i can tell fr. the chorus.

    apes

     

  • At 9:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    all rite, rebeccah iz finally finished tryin' 2 make peeps jealous & she'z doin' her song. howard iz sittin' n a chair so she can sing it 2 him, like it's a romance song or sumthin'. the lyrics r kinda strange 4 romance. wut duz "here they r, u can't have 'em, he'z gonna get him, but ur not." mean neway?

    thorvald iz tryin' 2 get arne the magician 2 sit down, but he'z bizzy tryin' 2 pick up marjee mahaha. ic y. aftah her axe throw, marjee iz kinda hangin' outa that low cut thing she iz wearin'. shud i tell her? mebbe n a few minutes, aftah rebeccah finishes singin'. that wud b a good tyme.

    y iz eva comin' on 2 me? oh, i get it. she'z drunk. makes sense. drunk girlz & romance musick. bad combo.

     

  • At 9:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I asked Jeremy why he's looking so cute tonight. He said "you have beer goggles. Or mead goggles, or maybe brennivan goggles."

    Evaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

     

  • At 9:50 PM, Blogger howard said…

    I never have understood the heterosexual man’s obsession with women’s breasts. Over half the population of the world has them, so it’s not like they are a rare commodity. And yet, while Becky is singing this song to me, I could swear every heterosexual man here is looking right at her chest. Orque and Basher are looking at new case of Brennevin, since they are gay. Brennevin’s a nasty beverage. Maybe they should look at Becky’s chest too.

    Personally, I am enjoying hearing Becky sing a song that is not geared to old people, which is what she has been mainly singing at the Valhalla lately. She has a very nice voice for pop music. I could listen to her sing all day long, and thanks to fact I have a copy of her CD, I can. But live performance is better. Gordon’s place has remarkably good acoustics for a personal residence.

    Oh my God. Did Becky just flash her breasts at me?

    Howard K.

     

  • At 10:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    well, i haven’t seen thoze n awhile. thorvald sed, "in the saga ofthorfinn karlsefne, freydis defended karlsefni's people by using her breasts against the attacking skrellings.” thora sed, “thorvald. you nitwit. freydis cut her breasts w/a sword n fronta the skrellings. it’s not the same.” i looked ovah @gigli, & he had fainted. april iz takin’ care of him. jeffo bray sed, “i tol’ u they weren’t that good.” drew fontaine sed, “they look nice 2 me. so, there’z sum good ‘bout becky aside frum her house. sweet. mebbe i’ll ask her out again.” taylor morgan sed, “i am so glad we have a d8 next weekend.” dr. mccauley sed, “no implants…yet.” dr. p had been knocked unconscious az a protective measure by mrs. p. where did she get that fryin' pan? tracey mayz sed, “mine r bettah. iz there nemore of that brennevin?” paul mayez’ eyez were wide open. anthony caine sed, “think of elizabeth. think of elizabeth.” mike patterson sed, “deanna’z were bettah & bigger, wen she wuz nursin’. have u evah had milk frum a grown woman’s nursin’ breast? it’s v.v. sweet.” anthony fainted. orque & basher sed, “shud we undress 2?” i sed, “no. leave ur clothez on. vicki simone sed, “gordie iz gonna be sorry he missed this.” carleen stein sed, “no josef. we can’t uze that shot. it’s against the law.” zatasha labuque sed, “i’m gonna get n trubble 4 this.” conradia harbinger sed, “i knew this wud happen.” marjee mahah suddenly realized she wuz hangin’ out & pulled her dress up. eva iz sayin’ sumthin’ n my ear. it’s rilly temptin’, but wen she iz sober, she wud b rilly mad @me. now shannon iz sayin' sumthin' n my ear. she haz a dirty mind.

     

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