Viv, Self-help Guru
So, Dee forwarded me an e-mail from Liz. Here it is:
So, like, the principal @ our school has thisharassment PR campaign where he'z got all the diff subculturez out doing community-service projects. Like the goths cleaning up trash downtown an' the stonerz manning the "lice detection, treatment, and prevention" tables an' booths downtown and @ the mall. D00d'z totally lost it, eh?
Apes
To: apespatterson@yahoo.caOMG, peeps! The heck? I'm "pretty hard 2 handle"? Where did that come from? I'm just abt the mildest teenager @ my school. Did they not hear about Zatasha LaBuque, Morton DiNapoli, or Conradia Harbinger? Geez!
Fr: DeePharma@fotopharmamboro.ca
Subject: FW: I'M MISSING EVERYTHING
'April'!
FYI
'Dee'
---original message----
Fr: HotTeach81@notmail.ca
To: DeePharma@fotopharmamboro.ca
Subject: I'M MISSING EVERYTHING
Dee,
I just got off the phone with Mom. April has sent me a fairly newsy but unsatisfyingly undetailed e-mail about some of the recent goings-on down there. Wow, I really feel I'm missing everything, and that's making me so homesick!
First of all, Robin. I wish I were there to help! The poor little guy. I hope you will be sure to keep me posted, and let me know if there's anything I can do from this far away! I've put a little care package in the mail, BTW. Some toddler moccasins, a small stuffed animal, and a children's book based on an old Ojibway legend.
And while we're on the subject of children, there's April. I take it from what Mom told me that now that she's 15, she's pretty hard to handle! If I were down there now, I could help Mom deal with April.
Oh, and then there's Anthony splitting up with Thérèse. No one's giving me any "deets". When I spoke with Mom, all she'd say was how sad she and Dad are, and how Anthony's so honest, trustworthy, and steadfast, all that jazz.
And there's Dad buying a new car and Mom retiring. These are BIG THINGS to miss, Dee! I was telling all of this to Vivian Crane when I was helping her wash dishes, and she understood. She said, "And you feel as though the world is going on without you." I told her, "Yes, I do." Viv said, "I felt like that too once... But I've lived here with Gary for so long, it's my home now. --You've got to put roots down somewhere." I replied, "I know." Viv put her arm on my shoulder (and her arm seemed oddly short and stubby at that moment) and said, "But first, you have to find the right garden!"
Dee, that woman is so wise, first with cats and now with the big life-advice. By the way, she's working on the manuscript for a self-help book, Find the Right Garden. I wonder if maybe Mike can help her get it published?
So, like, the principal @ our school has this
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:54 AM
7 Comments:
At 9:37 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, "pretty hard 2 handle". az near az i can tell, ‘rents all think their kidz r the worst. w/all thiz anti-teenager stuff goin’ on & the principal’z st00pid ideaz on how 2 fix it, i have noticed the ‘rents r startin’ 2 brag 2 each othah how their kidz r worse than othah kidz. my mom came home last nite aftah goin’ 2 the grocery & she actually sed 2 me, “jeremy. i am so glad u tried 2 run down april patterson on ur bike & were only stopped by b-ing hit by a car.” i sed, “mom. wut do u mean ur glad? thass the worst thing i evah did.” my mom sed she ran n2 zatasha labuque’s mom & conradia harbinger’z dad n the grocery & they were all braggin’ cuz their teen wuz the hardest 2 handle & my mom told that story ‘bout me & it wuz worse than wut zatasha’z mom & conradia’z dad had ‘bout them. mom wuz kinda dancin’ ‘round the house sayin’ “i have the worse teen.” ovah & ovah again. ‘course i reminded mom that stuff happed b4 i wuz a teenager & she sed, “well thank goodness zatasha’z mom & conradia’z dad didn’t remembah that. now the funniest part wuz wen elly patterson came ovah & tried 2 tell us that april wuz pretty hard 2 handle, & she told us a story ‘bout how april forced her to make a chicken wrap that she shoulda made herself, we just laffed n her face. then she told us a story ‘bout how she hadda force april 2 take an umbrella n the rain & a story ‘bout how april wudn’t follow her nstructions on how 2 handle her zits. we were just rollin’ on the floor laffin’. i sed, ‘till april tries 2 murder sum1 n the streets like my jeremy did, then wut u have elly patterson iz a good, well-b-haved teenager.’ elly got red n the face & her nose puffed up. it wuz hilarious.she started shriekin’ it wuzn’t so.” i sed, “mom. i wuzn’t trying 2 murder april.” my mom sed, “ssh! jeremy. nobody knowz wut u were tryin’ 2 do. all they know iz it took a car hittin’ u2 stop ur murderous rage.” sumtymez ‘rents r pretty hard 2 handle.
i think i 4got 2 tell u. i gotta call frum dirne last nite, sayin’ she wunted 2 meet me @the double d pizza. i got n there & i wuz lookin’ undah tablez & ‘round stuff 2c if i cud spot dirne. then i heard her say, “jeremy. ovah here.” i looked & i saw she wuz sittin’ @a table w/my favourite pizza. she sed, “i know u have been goin’ thru a ruff tyme w/my bf pierce inverarity. pierce iz a v. sensitive boy & he iz workin’ thru sum issuez w/his ‘rents & ur the un4tun8 recipient of that effort.” i sed, “wut. ur sayin’ iz that pierce iz b-ing mean 2 me, cuz of problemz w/hiz ‘rents?” dirne sed, “thass rite. so i got u this pizza az a big thank u.” i sed, “cudn’t u just finda reazn a good bf shudn’t go aftah his gf’s ex-bf?” dirne sed, “but of course not, jeremy. pierce needsta have an outlet 4 his anger.” i sed, “gr8. so ur encouragin’ him?” dirne sed, “but of course not. but a good gf hazta b reddy 2 accept wutevah famly issuez present themselves w/her bf. don’t b mad, jeremy.” i sed, “where iz this goin’? ur still w/pierce?” dirne sed, “i know u feel w/my spendin’ so much tyme w/pierce, the world is goin’ on w/o u.?” i sed, “wut? no. not rilly. just my world w/u.” dirne sed, “don’t worry, jeremy. i do not plan 2 put roots down w/pierce. he iz not the rite garden 4 my roots.” i sed, “i am the rite garden?” dirne sed, “but of course.” so we had sum pizza, & we kissed a lot & i got 2 walk dirne home. it wuz a good tyme.
howevah, it wuz kinda ruined this mornin’. i got 2 skool & i have learned now 2 kinda avoid my lockah n the mornin’ since it seemz like pierce & his buds hang out there. i wuz goin’ a diffrent way n, wen i found 1 of pierce’s friendz wuz there & he motioned ovah 2 pierce “hey pierce, he’z comin’ n the side door, like u thot.” so, i turned ‘round & started back out the side door & i started 2 run, but i got caught. by the ankles actually & i wuz down face on the ground. wen i got up, pierce wuz n my face. he sed, “i heard u were w/dirne last nite. u know jones, i am gettin’ tired of u tryin’ 2 get back 2gethah w/her. u needta stop tryin’ 2 put down roots n her garden.” i sed, “wut? ur talkin’ ‘bout gardenin’?” pierce sed, “yes. dirne told me this mornin’, i wuz the rite garden 4 her roots, but u keep on tryin’ 2 get her 2 test ur soils samplez.” i sed, “wut? no dirne told me i wuz the rite garden 4 her roots.” pierce sed, “that wuz the wrong thing 2 say 2 me, u freakin’ root thief.” then i discovered xxactly how it iz the dirt & grass on the ground tastes, which iz not 2 good. wen pierce left he sed, “remembah that next tyme u feel like gardenin’ w/my gf.” i don’t evn like gardenin’.
At 9:53 AM,
howard said…
April,
I got a call from my aunt Winifred Kelpfroth, the one who lives underneath your brother and his family. She seemed a little nervous. She said, “The little boy has been getting earaches a lot. It’s pretty common with kids because their Eustachian tube is straight, so any kind of illness goes right to the ears causing them to get infected.” I said, “You know a lot about kids, aunt Winnie.” My aunt said, “You don’t have to know a lot about kids to know that ear infections happen a lot with small children, particularly small children who are around other small children in a daycare situation where diseases are shared.” I said, “So what is your worry?” My aunt said, “I could be wrong, but I swear I think I heard the upstairs neighbours blaming their little boy’s ear infections on me and Melville.” I said, “You’re kidding.” My aunt said, “The mother is a medical professional. She should know. I would hate to think that Mel and I are responsible for making a child ill.” I said, “But you just said that ear infections are common in small children.” My aunts said, “But there is always a possibility, however remote, that we could have been the ones who pass to him the disease. Mel had a cold the other day.” I said, “You’re just getting paranoid.” My aunt said, “I don’t know. There was a time when a child could get sick and it was just a normal thing, but these days, I have this feeling, there is always someone to blame.” I said, “If anyone blamed you for a child’s illness who did not live with you, eat with you, or spend any time at all with you; they would be complete and utter idiots.” My aunt said, “Thanks, Howard. It’s good to hear someone say that.”
By the by, if you are thinking Vivian Crane’s advice about having to put roots down somewhere when you are 24 is good advice, think again. If you decide to go to vet school, you will be out of Milborough getting your degree at different schools and for longer than age 24. As for your sister, any advice that gets her out of Mtigwaki, the nastiest place on earth, is good advice. I was only in that place one day, and I never want to go back.
Howard K.
At 6:56 PM,
howard said…
April,
I had to leave Sugar’s salon early today for my dental checkup with Dr. Everett Callahan, whom you may remember I briefly dated, and I am afraid to admit, I prefer as a dentist to his partner in the dental practice, your father, Dr. John Patterson. When I got to the office, I told Jean Baker, the administrative assistant I was there for my appointment with Dr. Callahan, and her response was “Who?” So, I repeated and said, “Dr. Everett Callahan. He’s Dr. Patterson’s associate.” Jean Baker said, “Oh Dr. Patterson talks about getting an associate, so he can sell the practice and retire, but as you can see from the plaque on the outside of the door, there is no other doctor than Dr. Patterson here. You are scheduled for a cleaning though and a follow-up with Dr. Patterson.” I said, “OK.” I figure Everett must have been erased again. She-who-must-not-be-named doesn’t seem to be able to figure out if Everett should exist or not exist, I suppose. Of course I was puzzled by the fact I could remember Everett. At the time, I should have figured out what that meant, but I didn’t at the time. Jean told me that my appointment would be a little delayed, because Dr. Patterson had checked the staff washroom and found that the paper towel dispensers did not have his favourite brand and he was out of the office getting the right brand.
The office waiting room was a little full, and then I understood the reason why. I asked Jean, “Why is the doctor doing the custodial work?” Jean said, “Two reasons. (1) Dr. Patterson is very particular about washrooms and (2) The Spigott Building can’t keep a regular custodial staff because its doctors don’t seem to realize they can’t treat low wage employees like servants.” I thought back to when I had applied for that job, and suddenly felt glad that I had not gotten it.
I was eventually taken into a patient room and the assistant in charge of the room was none other than Jennifer, Dr. Everett Callahan’s fiancée. I said to her, “Jennifer. How are the wedding plans going?” Jennifer gave me a strange look and said, “You must have me confused with someone else, Mr. Kelpfroth. I am not engaged.” I figured that might be the case, she couldn’t remember Everett since he had been erased. I said, “Sorry. I must have mistaken you for someone else I know named Jennifer who works in this office.” Jennifer looked confused again. Then she said, “The hygienist will be in with you shortly.” Jennifer pressed a button when she said that, and I said, “What does that button do?” She said, “It signals for the hygienist to enter the room.” Then Jennifer wrote a sticky note. I said, “What is that sticky note?” Jennifer said, “It’s just some notes for the hygienist.” Then Jennifer left and I heard a familiar voice from the side of the room. It said, “Beyotch! Dude, I can't believe she doesn’t remember me. But I guess you remember me, don’t you Howard? Too cool!” I said, “Everett. What’s going on?” Everett said, “Erased again It sucks. I had a great April, but it’s turning out to be a lousy May.” I said, “Do you need anything?” Everett said, “Dude, it’s nice you ask, but the building has everything I need—food, laundry, a place to sleep and some totally great drugs in the pharmacy. Eventually, I will return again, man. Don’t worry Howard. Oh, you might want to read that sticky note, dude.” I read the note. It said, “Crazy man. If he asks you odd questions, pretend that he’s normal.” I said, “Great. I knew I shouldn’t have asked about you, when Jean Baker didn’t remember you.” Everett said, “I appreciate the effort, dude. Really, I would have expected my fiancée to be cool enough to remember me. But I think the dudette only wanted me for my money. Watch out for the hygienist, dude. She’s going put a hurt on you, if you are not a wary dude. If you mention that you know Dr. Patterson personally, it might help you out, man.”
The hygienist came in. I said hello and she said, “Mr. Kelpfroth. In for a cleaning I see. Well let’s get started.” I said, “It’s good to be back, particularly since I am Dr. Patterson’s daughter’s backup gay.” The hygienist said, “You are? I didn’t know I was treating royalty.” The next 30 minutes were a grueling torture and I swear the lady was intentionally nicking my gums with that sharp thing she uses to scrape the teeth. My knuckles were white and I was sweating by the time she was done. She said, “Well, we have a few problems here. I’ll send Jennifer in to explain them to you.” She pressed the button and left a sticky note for Jennifer. I read it. It said, “Crazy asshole. Thinks he can use his position as a April’s backup gay to get preferential treatment.” I noticed Everett was laughing to himself in the corner. I said, “You did this to me!” Everett said, “I couldn’t resist, dude. The hygienist hates Patterson cronies. She really worked you over, man. I could tell she was totally trying to make you cry. If she can get you to cry, then she doesn’t have to clean your teeth and she can just say she was listening to you cry for the whole appointment. She gets paid if she cleans your teeth or not. John thinks it creates a sincere personal bond and will make you loyal to him. The dude is totally whacked.” I was really ticked off at Everett and I was going to let him have it, when Jennifer walked back in.
She read the sticky note and said, “Your cleaning took longer than expected, so I need to move you to a different room.” I said, “OK” and I followed her to a different room. Everett followed behind me. He said, “A different room, eh? Well, Howard, dude. This could be bad or it could be good.” I kept quiet. As I got to the other room, there was another assistant there. She said, “This is my room. You can’t move your client in here.” Jennifer said, “Dr. Patterson wouldn’t like it, if you were possessive about your space.” The other assistant grumbled. I went into the other room. Jennifer said, “I understand you are Dr. Patterson’s daughter’s backup gay?” I said, “That’s correct, but that’s not my actual profession.” Jennifer said, “What is your profession, Mr. Kelpfroth? Your chart shows you work at a hair salon.” I said, “I work at the salon, and I am also a maid for Dr. McCauley, who works in this building.” Jennifer said, “You are quite the name-dropper, Mr. Kelpfroth.” I said, “I suppose so. And oh, I also work at the supper club, The Valhalla doing a late evening show during the weekdays.” Jennifer dropped the chart. She said, “You’re that Howard?” I said, “I guess. It depends on what you mean by ‘that Howard.’” Jennifer said, “I come to your show almost every night. I’m not sure how I started going there, but it is the highlight of my day to see you perform.” Everett said, “Dude. She goes because I took her there, only she totally doesn’t remember that part of it.” Jennifer said, “Can I get your autograph?” I said OK and signed a piece of paper for her. Jennifer said, “Thanks ever so much, Howard. I can’t believe I am in the same room with you and you’re wearing clothes instead of body paint.” I said, “It’s the way I am most of the time. So, you’re fan of opera?” Jennifer said, “I don’t like opera so much, but I do like the music. I think if operas were done with muscular naked men in body paint, I would probably like it.” I said, “Well, I am glad to hear I have been doing my part to promote great music, even if I have to be naked to do it.” Jennifer said, “I don’t mean to be so forward, Mr. Kelpfroth, but are you single?” I said, “I am engaged to be married.” Jennifer said, “Would you consider breaking the engagement?” I said, “Not really.” Jennifer seemed a little disappointed. Then she said, “Well Mr. Kelpfroth. You have a little cavity on your upper anteriour molar. Dr. Patterson will want to fill it.” I said, “All right.” Then she pressed a button and wrote a sticky note. After she left, Everett said, “Big mistake, Howard, dude. You should have told her you would be totally willing to break your engagement. Jennifer doesn’t take ‘no’ very well, man.” I said, “I’ll just read the note to see what it says." The note said, “This man has been physically intimate with your wife and daughter. He has also played with your train set when you were not around. The untraceable surgical instruments are in the left drawer. After you are done, push the button and I will dispose of the body.” I said, “Holy crap! You weren’t kidding! Does she ask Dr. Patterson to murder people often?” Everett said, “Murder no. But dude, you would wake up in Toronto with a really bad root canal.” I quickly grabbed a blank sticky and rewrote the note to say, “You like this man. He has a cavity.”
Dr. Patterson came in the room and read the sticky note. He said, “Hello, Howard. I understand you have a cavity. Let’s take a look.” While he was looking he said, “This is barely a cavity. I wonder why my hygienist said I should fill it without using any anesthetic. After all, Jennifer says I like you. Well, Jennifer is usually right. Perhaps I can talk you into getting a white flashy smile. We have even seen some dramatic changes in personality when someone gets their teeth whitened. Mrs. Crabapple went from a manic depressive personality to a schizophrenic. We've also seen changes to the attitude and shape of some of our clients! Once someone is happy with their smile, we often see them take an interest in their hair, then start to lose weight, start to dress differently, and show more confidence. For example, you might start to dress differently, and wear clothes that are a little less feminine. I have undergone a major change in my life recently, and so I suggest dental improvements to all my clients.” Everett said, “Dude. Watch carefully as he switches the topic to his car. It’s totally awesome.” Dr. Patterson said, “The major improvement in my life was my new Crevasse wagon. It really makes a statement about myself and the phase of life I am in.” Everett said, “That statement totally is, ‘I have had my manhood removed by my wife.'” Dr. Patterson said, “The Crevasse is a much more superior vehicle than my old car, a 4-wheel drive Bushwhacker. I am a phase ahead of people who drive Bushwhackers.” Everett said, “Dude, he is one phase closer to death.” Dr. Patterson said, “I guess you could say my new catch-phase is that I have re-phased my life so I can outwit, outlast and out-phase those Bushwhacker drivers.”
At this point a buzzer went off in the room and Jennifer came running in. She said, “Dr. Patterson. I and the rest of the staff told you these puns could not continue.” Dr. Patterson said, “But your note said I liked the client.” Jennifer said, “What?” She read the note and turned very red. Everett said, “Watch out, dude! That cat likes to scratch.” Jennifer said, “Dr. Patterson, you need to go to room 4, now.” Dr. Patterson said, “But I haven’t talked him into getting his teeth whitened yet.” Jennifer said, “The staff has talked to you about this. You go to the room that we tell you to go to. Remember what the streamlining consultant said. ‘The more duties each staff member has, the more we enjoy our jobs.’” Dr. Patterson grumbled and left. Everett said, “Dude, I am totally serious. You might want to cover your eyes or your throat.” Much to my surprise, Jennifer started crying. In between sobs, she said, “I’m so sorry. It just made me mad that my favourite performer in the whole world is engaged to be married.” I said, “If it makes you feel any better, Becky, the girl to whom I am engaged, wants it to be an open relationship. She has a date with another guy on this Friday.” Jennifer said, “An open relationship?” I said, “Does that help?” Everett said, “Howard, you idiot. Dude, meet your new stalker.” I said, “Jennifer doesn’t seem like the stalker type, Everett.” Jennifer said, “Um. You’re confusing me by talking to the corner, but you’re right. I am not a stalker kind of girl. I just wanted to go out with you and you know, talk about your work and stuff like that. I’ll be at the Valhalla tonight. Could we talk after your show?” I said, “Certainly. I’ll give you a backstage tour and everything.” Everett said, “You’re making a mistake, Howard, dude.” But I ignored him. I said, “What about the cavity?” Jennifer said, “Jean will schedule a time for you to come it and have it filled.” So she took me out to Jean Baker and I made an appointment. That’s what happened, in case you are interested.
Howard K.
At 7:28 PM,
April Patterson said…
jermy, what a weird story abt yr mom, my mom, & thoze other kids' moms. i guess that xplainz y my mom shook her hed @ me all, "plain-vanilla teen!" this evening rite b4 she left 4 that writing class of herz. i dunno abt dirne, jeremy, it soundz like she mite b playing u & pierce both, 4 sum reazon.
howard, don't worry, i'm not taking that advice abt putting down roots early. i just noticed u've posted another comment. i'm gonna read that rite after i post this. (i wanna make sure u know i'm not ignoring it!)
apes
At 7:50 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, howard, my dad's office soundz crazier than ever. i m sorry 2 hear u got treated so ruffly! & i can't believe u-know-who erased everett again. what's with that neway?
apes
At 9:01 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, it haz been a rilly depressin’ evenin’. my future dad & future sis were ovah @the house 2nite. i got a call frum dirne askin’ me 2 meet her @the mall @the lice detection, treatment, & prevention tablez. i sed, “dirne wunts 2 meet me @the mall.” my future sis sed, “dirne. i thot she broke up w/u.” my mom sed, “no. her ‘rents broke them up & set her up w/a diffrent guy, but she rilly luvz jeremy. she gets 2gethah w/him every nite. usually she’z n a disguise.” my future dad sed, “disguise. like wut?” my mom sed, “a trash can, a bush, a goth girl & i think she was sum1 who likes the same kinda nasty pizza az jeremy last nite.” i sed, “the pizza 1 wuzn’t a disguise & my favourite pizza izn’t nasty.”
my future sis sed, “i wanna meet her. i’ll drive u2 the mall.” i sed, “i dunno. she uzually wants 2 kiss & stuff.” my future sis sed, “i’ll leave u guyz alone if u start doin’ that. i think it wud be cool 2 meet a girl who goez thru all that trubble 2 stay w/u.”
so we were drivin’ 2 the mall & i asked my future sis how her luv life wuz goin’, cuz u may remembah she & her bf broke up a few weeks ago. my future sis sed, “i am doin’ bettah than i wuz. my ex-bf & i hadda kinda weird relationship n the 1st place. i had tix 2 a leafs’ nation event & i nvited him 2 come. wut i didn’t know wuz that he already hadda a gf n the skool. on the d8 w/me, he decided 2 break up w/her. & then we were d8in’ pretty solid aftah that, evn tho hiz ex-gf tried to break us up again & again. hiz ex-gf wuz a strange girl. she hadda lotta guyz who all thot they were n luv w/her & she wud act like she liked all of them, u know like they all b-longed 2 her, evn if they were w/anothah gf. but she had all theze rulez. like u hadda call her & e-mail her & write her snail mail & im her or u were not rilly n luv w/her. & evn if she moved away, she xxpected her bf 2 come & visit her all the tyme.” i sed, “so y did ur bf break up w/u?” my future sis sed, “hiz ex-gf moved away but showed up n TO 1 day 4 sum concert, & he decided that evn tho she didn’t live n TO nemore, he wud w8 4 her 2 grad frum high skool so they cud b 2gethah again.” i sed, “he soundz like an idiot 2 me.”
we got 2 the mall & went 2 the lice detection, treatment, & prevention tables. the stonerz frum skool were runnin’ them. we went up 2 the tables & i sed, “have u seen dirne ‘round here?” there wuz a long-haired guy w/a beard who sed, “dude. we just give out the combs & the free lice shampoo. but we got sum gr8 bc bud, if ur innerested.” i sed, “no. i am lookin’ 4 a girl with auburn hair.” the guy sed, “how ‘bout sum canadian black?” i sed, “no thanks.” the guy sed, “u don’t wanna go 420 w/me?” i sed, “no. i’ll c if i can find her myself.” then the dude grabbed his hair and beard & pulled it off & sed, “i fooled u again, jeremy.” i sed, “dirne. ur gettin’ rilly good w/the disguises. i have sum1 2 introduce 2u.”
i turned ‘round & pointed 2 my future sis & b4 i cud say nething, my future sis sed, “eliza.” then dirne sed, “u. u man-stealer. ru tryin’ 2 take jeremy frum me, like u did tony?” my future sis sed, “mebbe i am.” i sed, “eliza. no. her name iz dirne. dirne aufkleber.” my future sis sed, “n TO, she went by eliza aufkleber. changed ur name 2 keep frum b-ing googled, eh?” dirne sed, “no. eliza iz my 1st name. my ‘rents told me 2 uze my middle name n mboro, cuz they sed peeps n mboro w/ethnic-soundin’ namez get bettah treatment. jeremy, pleaze tell me ur not d8in’ this girl.” i sed, “she’s my future sis. we’re not d8in’. wut’s goin’ on?” my future sis sed, “eliza iz the girl i told u ‘bout. she stole my bf.” dirne sed, “no. u stole my bf. then my ‘rents moved & i started d8in’ jeremy.” my future sis sed, “u mean ur d8in’ jeremy & my bf & that pierce guy. u alwayz were good @keepin’ more than 1 bf.” dirne sed, “i only have 1 bf & thass jeremy. i can’t help it if thoze othah guyz want 2b my bf.” my future sis sed, “ur not xxactly discouragin’ them. i remembah u w/tony. u were alwayz touchin’ him & huggin’ him 2 long, or holdin’ handz w/him & starin’ n hiz eyez.” dirne sed, “i tried 2 stay away frum tony. it’s not my fault ur so controllin’ & jealous.” my future sis sed, “it’s not controllin’ & jealous 2 get mad wen i go 2 a skool dance & ur doin’ all thoze sexy dance movez rite n fronta tony.” dirne sed, “i wuz just njoyin’ dancin’. u red 2 much n2 it. tony left u cuz ur such a controllin’ beyotch.” my future sis sed, “tony left me cuz u ran n2 him & asked him 2 w8 4u.” dirne sed, “i didn’t ask him 2 w8 4 me. i just told him that wen i moved 2 mboro frum TO, i felt like i had no home. if u knew howta take care of a great bf like tony properly, he wud nevah have decided 2 break up w/u. b-sidez, i’m not w/tony. i am w/jeremy.” my future sis sed, “rite. & w/pierce & who knowz how many othah guyz.” dirne sed, “my ‘rents wunt me w/pierce & a good daughter duz wut her ‘rents wunt.” my future sis sed, “ru sayin’ i am not a good daughter?” dirne sed, “look how u act & dress. it iz so obvious.” my future sis sed, “ur goin’ down, beyotch.” dirne sed, “bring it.”
then my future sis & dirne started fitin’. they each grabbed a lice comb & a bottle of delousing shampoo & started swingin’ them @each other. i tried 2 get n between them, but they were swingin’ the shampoo bottles so hard & i cudn’t do it. then they jumped on each othah & were rollin’ ‘round on the floor hittin’ each othah w/the shampoo bottle & comb. i tried 2 stop them, wen sum of the stonerz grabbed me & sed, “dude. this iz a gr8 cat fite. u shud b njoyin’ it, like us.” i must admit that wen the shampoo bottles broke & dirne & my future sis were covered frum head 2 foot n delousing shampoo, it wuz visually innerestin’. wen the mall security showed up, they were both breathin’ hard. the security cop sed, “wut’s goin’ on here. ru teenagers makin’ trubble az uzual?” i sed, “no officer. the ladiez were demonstr8in’ how the delousin’ shampoo can get rid of louses all ovah ur bodiez & clothez. i don’t think ne1 here wuz disturbed by the demonstration.” the stonerz ‘round me sed, “no. man. we weren’t disturbed. we’d like them 2 do it again.” i sed, “uc officer. there’z no problem.” the mall cop sed, “i must admit that c-ing 2 yung girlz covered in shampoo iz visually innerestin’.” i sed, “thanx, officer.” & i grabbed dirne & my future sis & dragged them away frum the mall cop & i sed, “don’t say nething 2 each othah or u’ll attract the mall cop’s attention.”
i got them to a washroom where they cud try 2 wipe themselves off. dirne sed, “i am not goin’ n the washroom w/her.” i sed, “fine. she can go n the boys’ washroom. i’ll watch the door.” so i did. wen dirne came outa the girls’ washroom, she looked like she had not evn got soaked by the shampoo. i sed, “wow! how did u do that?” dirne sed, “a girl hazta b prepared 4 ne kinda clothin’ emergency. now, jeremy. i want u2 break thingz off w/her.” i sed, “my future sis? i can’t. my mom & her dad r gonna get married, & wen they do, she will b-come my actual sis.” dirne sed, “then u must prevent ur mom frum marryin’ her dad.” i sed, “wut? no way. mom haz been w/o a guy since my dad left 15 yearz ago. she rilly likes my future dad & so do i. can’t u & my future sis just call a truce or sumthin’?” dirne sed, “no, jeremy. we r mortal enemiez & i know she will try 2 poison our relationship no mattah if she tellz u that she won’t. i’m sorry, but if ur not willin’ 2 break up ur mom & her fiancé, then we can no longah b/ gf / bf.” i sed, “but u sed u luvved me & i had ur heart.” dirne sed, “u do have my heart, jeremy. there r sum peeps who fall n luv & can nevah luv ne1 else, no mattah wut heinous thingz that person duz 2 them, but thass not me. i know i cud nevah b w/u & have her az a sis-n-law. sorry, jeremy.” then she walked away cryin’. my future sis came outa the washroom, lookin’ like she had wiped away mosta the shampoo, but there wuz still a lot left. she sed, “i’m rilly sorry, jeremy. u know i didn’t wanna cause u this trubble. i wanna tell u i am rilly proud u stood up 4 ur mom.” i sed, “i rilly don’t wanna talk ‘bout this. mebbe aftah i rite it down i can talk. but not now.” so went home n silence & i rote wut happed n this post 2u. i think i can talk 2 my future sis now. she’z rilly broke up ‘bout wut happed.
At 9:23 PM,
howard said…
April,
I am not sure why Everett was erased again. But now that I think about it, when I read your father’s family letter on May 1, I thought it was a little unusual he wrote so many pages of material about his office life but never mentioned Everett. I suspect it is because Everett is tied up with your father’s retirement and I don’t mean to be rude about this, but Jeremy Jones has told me your parents have been talking about retirement for over 3 years. So, maybe this wishy-washy attitude about retiring is having its effect on Everett. I am sure he’ll be back to normal soon enough, when your dad starts talking retirement again. Everett is probably as tired of being erased as Jeremy Jones was over the test drives he and your dad went on over 6 months. I would feel more sorry for Everett, if he had not given me bad advice about the hygienist. My mouth is still sore from that brutal woman.
Meanwhile, I am at the Valhalla doing 2 shows tonight, since Arne the magician is attending his nephew’s funeral. Marjee Mahaha is here with me helping me with my full body makeup as usual, and when I told her that Jennifer would be visiting with us after the show was done, she was, shall we say, not happy. You may remember that she and Jennifer fought over Everett before. I told Marjee that Jennifer doesn’t even remember Everett, but I don’t think it helped much. I can’t tell if Marjee is going to stick around after the show or just leave after she touches up my makeup for the second show.
Howard K.
Post a Comment
<< Home