Eva's whole cowboy theory
Yeah, like, whatevs. Eva'z trying out her metaphorz, I guess. The next part of that convo I told U abt, fr this past Sat? Eva was all, "Yeah. Guyz R all cowboyz @ heart, man. Hard-ridin', bull-talkin', gun-totin' cowboyz!" And I was, like, "Gun-toting?" Just then, Ger'z phone an' Dunc's phone both rang @ the same time. Like, hm, what a coincidence, eh? And they had this weird thing where they stood facing ea other & slapped their pockets, which I didn't understand cuz it's not like they wdn't know which pocket has the fone, eh? And I think Dunc musta hit himself really hard cuz he looked like he was in pain when he did that slap thing. And I noticed that Ger an' Dunc both seemed 2 B wearing uncomfortable pants. So, while they were taking their phone callz, Eva got this kinda smug look on her face an' said, "They've gotta B fast on the draw." I can't help but wonder, if thoze fone callz hadna come in just then, what wd Eva have dun 2 show where she was going w/that metaphor. Did she just kinda know that the boyz wd do sumthing that we cd pretend looked vaguely cowboy-like?
NEway, if U C Eva an' she triez out a buncha cowboy metaphorz, pls go easy on her. I don't think she really knowz Y she'z doin' this kinda talk, eh? I really don't think thoze hyphenated adjectival phrases sound NEthing like Ger an' Dunc, do U?
Apes
NEway, if U C Eva an' she triez out a buncha cowboy metaphorz, pls go easy on her. I don't think she really knowz Y she'z doin' this kinda talk, eh? I really don't think thoze hyphenated adjectival phrases sound NEthing like Ger an' Dunc, do U?
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:53 AM
18 Comments:
At 1:18 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings talking about your conversation with your friend Eva comparing boys to cowboys and your friends Gerald and Duncan doing a gunfight with their cell phones. The image of the cowboy is not a pleasant one for my people. Hollywood Westerns have made people think a lot of things about cowboys and usually portray my people is ways that are not true. There are no Native Warriors bare-chested, carrying a war lance, and looking for some White woman to ravish. My people also do not possess some spiritual connection to the land, communing in a cloud of mysticism, and placing no value on material possessions. There are no Indian Princesses, waiting to be lured away from her tribe to marry the white man in order to civilize her people. First Nations people never had kings, queens, or princesses. Your ngashi (mother) or your nmisenh (sister) have visited Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) and know of our culture. Either of them could tell your friend Eva about “Cowboys and Indians.”
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 1:38 PM,
Anonymous said…
rebeccah, i dunno wut’s goin’ on b-tween duncan & gigli. i have seen them do phone gun battlez all day @skool, till finally the teach took their cell fonez away frum them.
eva came up 2 me & sed, ”so, jeremy. ru a hard-ridin', bull-talkin', gun-totin' cowboy?” i sed, “it’s against the law 2 carry, i mean tote gunz.” then eva leaned n2 me against a wall & sed, “there’z more than 1 kinda gun & frum wut i can feel, ur hard-ridin’ & gun-totin’. ru bull-talkin’ 2?” i sed, “u mean like talkin’ 2 bullz or do u mean like sayin’ a lotta bs.” eva sed, “wudya think, cowboy?” i sed, “i don’t rilly do either.” eva sed, “thass ok, cowboy. i am more innerested n hard-ridin’ & gun-totin’ neway.” i sed, “yru talkin’ w/cowboy metaphorz?” eva sed, “wut’s wrong, cowboy? i thot u mite wanna holster ur weapon w/a cowgirl. str8 shooterz nevah miss a meal, if u know wut i mean?” i sed, “ur gonna eat lunch w/me again?” eva sed, “just let loose the reins, cowboy, & i’ll lead u home.” i sed, “but skoolz not ovah yet.” eva sed, “ic ur gonna b a challenge, cowboy. well, evn the meanest bronc can b broke.” then we spent sum tyme n the janitor’s closet. i think i am b-ginnin’ 2 like cowboy metaphorz.
At 1:38 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dear Paul,
Your last post confuses me. It is my understanding, from what my lovely April flower has told me, that you remained single until there was an available white woman living within a few hundred miles of your home. Then you hunted that white woman down with your powerful Native tracking skills. And then you proceeded to make the white woman your girlfriend by groveling to her and saying she is the most amazing woman you have ever known. I guess that means she is more amazing to you than all the Native women you have known.
So, maybe you are not bare-chested, but you do carry a gun (which is a kind of war-lance), and it sounds like you were just waiting for a white woman to ravish.
Like I said, I am confused. I hope you will explain this to me. I am trying to learn all I can about the ways of sex and romance. Could you also explain why you use the technique of forcing a woman to dance in her socks with you? I'm not sure why that's supposed to be romantic.
Sincerely yours, Gerald Forsythe
At 1:41 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Eva said "Get along little dogie" to me. Is she making fun of me? Then later she called me "Pancho Sanza." What is wrong with her?
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 1:53 PM,
Anonymous said…
Gerald,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings asking me questions. I will try to answer them. First, I am still single. I think when you say “available white woman” you are talking about my girlfriend, Elizabeth Patterson. I did not hunt her down. Her ngashi (mother) told me she lived in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) and when I got there I asked directions. Everyone knew who she was and where she lived and what she had for dinner that night and where she was at that exact moment, which was leading her class and most of the people in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) in stargazing. I did not make my sweet girl be my girlfriend by groveling. I returned her ngashi (mother’s) glasses to her and asked her on a date. She is the 3rd most amazing woman I have ever known, next to my own ngashi (mother) and her ngashi (mother). My own ngashi (mother) is a Native woman. I was not waiting for a white woman to ravish. If my sweet girl was a native girl, she would be just as sweet. As for dancing in socks, that is when you are not a very good dancer, if you step on the girl’s feet, it does not hurt as much. The less pain when you dance, the more romantic it is. I hope that answers your questions.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 2:10 PM,
howard said…
April,
Becky and I had the “toy talk” and if you bring Eva over for a conversation about them, I can dispel some misconceptions she may have. Although considering the other posts on your real blog right now about Eva, I have the feeling that understanding the proper use of strap-ons is not really what her problem is. By the way, I was quite pleased that Becky didn’t think all of my toys were creepy. There were actually some that she said she wanted to try out, after she turned 18 of course. I get the feeling, in 3 years, we are going to have a very interesting wedding night.
Howard K.
At 6:24 PM,
April Patterson said…
wow, howard, when u sed u'd prepared a lesson 4 eva, i didn't realize u meant u'd created a whole powerpoint presentation. i must say yr images and bullet points were v. v. interesting! tho i think u mite b rite abt eva having other probz not related 2 this topic.
neway, thanx 4 the v. educational lesson!
shannon, i don't think eva meant 2 hurt yr feelingz. i think she watched 2 many old cowboy moviez & it did sumthing 2 her head, eh?
becks, i think that's just sumthing guyz say, kinda like when girlz say u shdn't ditch yr girlz 4 yr bf.
apes
At 6:32 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Oh, man, Beckers, I got enuf trubs rite now. Thanks.
FYI I went 2 Gers 2 borrow sum of his therapeutic porn collection. I thot it mite help me improve my technique so I cld compete w/ Zeds 19 yo x bf. I think Ger wanted 2 score sum weed off me but no way Im holding NE when Ive got o/s charges.
So I went 2 c my lawyer 2day. Im not v happy. The only good news is that psycho Malkmus wont b there my lawyer says no way the Crown will pay 2 bring him back 2 Mboro fr Nunavet. The bad news is that the Crown will have no probs w/ my dad who lives in Mboro & sits in the Mboro Credit Union Mon-Fri 8:30am-4:30pm. I dont think hell b getting a Fathers Day pressie this year unless my mom buys him a st00pid card & pretends its from the cats.
Sux 2 b me. Im going ovah 2 Zeds 2 listen 2 her tunes. Im rilly getting in2 goth music. Id like the band 2 go in a new musical direction but I dunno what evry1 else wld think.
L8r.
At 6:49 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
You wrote me back! Hardly anybody ever writes me back. You are the nicest girl I know. You are much nicer than Eva. I talked to her about those mean things she said to me and she said:
When the new day is dawning I wake up a yawning,
Drinking my coffee strong;
Make my bed in a role, down the trail I will stroll
Singing this old cattle call.
Then she started yodeling. I think she wants your band to go in a new musical direction, like Duncan does.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 7:03 PM,
howard said…
April,
You are quite welcome for the presentation. I will have to admit that I have used that Power Point presentation before, when I worked for the Milborough Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender Council’s Committee For The Orientation Of Milborough Gays, Lesbians, Bisexuals, and Transgenders at their Welcome Newcomers To Milborough party. You were remarkably attentive for a straight girl, despite your friend Eva’s yodeling and constant interruptions with phrases like “Ride ‘em Cowboy” or “You could use that to rustle cattle” or “Stampede!!”
Also, please remember for the items that you “borrowed”, be sure to use the lubricant before you use them on Gerald or he may develop a rash. And yes, I double-checked the rules, and it is perfectly legal for those items to be owned and operated by a teenager on another teenager. Enjoy!
Howard K.
At 7:28 PM,
April Patterson said…
don't worry, howard, i will b sure 2 use all the guidelines u told me 2 look 4 in the users' manuals u sent me in .pdf form. u sure have lots of info!
apes
At 7:32 PM,
Anonymous said…
I'm sorry Shannon, I wasn't trying to be mean. I seem to have a brain defect that started on Saturday. I think I told the shop teacher he looks like John Wayne and asked him to call me "Pilgrim". I think. It's a bit of a blur.
Eva
At 7:39 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i’m not a member of ur band, but i agree w/duncan. u guyz haven’t done ne new tunez since u guyz did that band competition w/ where’d you learn to kiss? i’m gonna tell it like it is!, which didn’t rilly rhyme. duncan rote sum solo stuff & rebeccah sum solo stuff, but az a group ur still doing that xmas tune u rote gimme, gimme, gimme & the 1 gigli rote old people! yeah-old people! & there wuz that medley of new years’ tunez: see the light – no use to fight; no more war in zero four; let’s have no war in zero four; we all bleed, we’re all in need; from west to east, we’re all about peace; it’s our generation-gonna heal the nations. i h8 that medley.
eva sed howard’s presentation wuz v.v. informative. i am ovah @her place 2 study. she’z sayz az soon az she'z done apologizin' 2 shannon lake, she’z gonna ride me hard & put me away wet. i guess that means sumthin’ ‘bout sum serious studyin’. thass good. i like studyin’ w/eva.
At 8:02 PM,
howard said…
April,
It’s unusual to meet a young woman so open to new things, when most of the people your age seem to be interested in bases and baseball analogies. If you read those users’ manuals thoroughly, you will be able to do things with Gerald that are beyond his imagination. Knowledge is power after all. Speaking of power, don’t forget to get new batteries.
Howard K.
At 8:05 PM,
April Patterson said…
u r rite, jeremy, we totally need 2 do sum new stuff. i think the goth songz r cube, mayB dunc an' i will co-write sum gothy stuff after his trial is over.
batteriez! i knew there was sumthin' i 4got 2 buy!
apes
At 8:14 PM,
Anonymous said…
Eva,
You wrote me and apologized for something. I don’t know if anyone was ever done that to me before, including April. I know all about brain defects. If yours doesn’t go away by tomorrow, you should go see my doctor.
I wish I could take shop like you, but the special needs kids are not allowed around power tools. Last year, April took Home Economics with me and she also took Shop with Becky McGuire. She used to make fun of Becky because she had never used a screwdriver, or done her own laundry or cooked a meal. It was pretty funny. April only talked about Becky with me and I think she wrote about Becky in Shop class in her monthly letters, so nobody else knows. April can tell you all about shop.
I actually didn’t mind too much when you said, “Howdy, pardner” to me.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 9:25 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, shan, don't try 2 get me in trub w/becks! i didn't make fun! i made jokes an' becks made jokes 2, it was like back an' forth. yeegawdz.
apes
At 1:37 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
You wrote back to me again. I think it is first time you have ever written back to me two times in one day. You are super great. I know Becky made jokes last year in Home Ec too. I think most of her jokes were about me. I liked your jokes better.
Love,
Shannon Lake
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