Eva an' I had a boring convo
Sumthin' I 4got 2 mention happed Saturday, and I dunno Y I M even remembering it now, cuz it was boring, but 1ce again I feel like an outside force is deciding what I write abt.
So, like, on Saturday, Ger, Dunc, an' Eva came over 2 jam. And while Eva and I were sitting out on the front steps, Dad was all starting up his st00pid new car, and Ger and Dunc went over 2 say nice thingz 2 Dad abt it. I don't think they actually meant them, I think they were just B-ing polite. I hope so, NEway, cuz the car is way lame.
But I was thinking abt the way guyz R with cars, and I had this boring lil convo w/Eva where I sed "What is it w/guyz an' cars, Eva?" And Eva was all, "They're cowboyz, April. They all hafta have a good horse. U know how riders say that a horse B-comes part of yr body? Well, a guy hasta buy a car he can strap on an' ride. It's xactly the same thing." And I was thinking there was sumthing a bit kinky abt "strap on an' ride", but all I sed was "U don't hafta clean up after a car." And Eva was all, "Nope.... But U still hafta feed it, an' breathe in the fumes." I don't know Y I sed that abt cleaning up after carz. What is it w/Pattersonz and our weird obsession w/poop? And Y didn't I talk abt sumthing more relevant like peak oil or greenhouse gases? And how ppl drive too much NEway and shd walk more? Like I've sed, I'm not alwayz in control of what I say. Or do. Or write abt.
Apes
So, like, on Saturday, Ger, Dunc, an' Eva came over 2 jam. And while Eva and I were sitting out on the front steps, Dad was all starting up his st00pid new car, and Ger and Dunc went over 2 say nice thingz 2 Dad abt it. I don't think they actually meant them, I think they were just B-ing polite. I hope so, NEway, cuz the car is way lame.
But I was thinking abt the way guyz R with cars, and I had this boring lil convo w/Eva where I sed "What is it w/guyz an' cars, Eva?" And Eva was all, "They're cowboyz, April. They all hafta have a good horse. U know how riders say that a horse B-comes part of yr body? Well, a guy hasta buy a car he can strap on an' ride. It's xactly the same thing." And I was thinking there was sumthing a bit kinky abt "strap on an' ride", but all I sed was "U don't hafta clean up after a car." And Eva was all, "Nope.... But U still hafta feed it, an' breathe in the fumes." I don't know Y I sed that abt cleaning up after carz. What is it w/Pattersonz and our weird obsession w/poop? And Y didn't I talk abt sumthing more relevant like peak oil or greenhouse gases? And how ppl drive too much NEway and shd walk more? Like I've sed, I'm not alwayz in control of what I say. Or do. Or write abt.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:29 AM
15 Comments:
At 9:03 AM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes!
U r rite I think the 'Asse is rilly uncube but I have 2 suck up 2 yr dad my lawyer has asked him 2 rite me a letter 4 court. I need all the help I can get my lawyer says the judge is still going around w/ an oxygen tank aft the Macbeth performance.
Im rilly bummed. I went ovah 2 Zeds this am 2 walk 2 skool w/ her & shes on the front porch w/ her lameass x Edmund. I guess I cant compete w/ a 19 yo w/ a convertible. MayB Ill ask Eva 2 show me her strap-on.
L8r.
At 9:17 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, eva got rilly frustr8ed last nite w/howard nstructin’ her on how 2 give a bilabial vibration kiss. apparently, rebeccah told her that this wuz 1 of the requirements 4 relationships n mboro. neway, she nevah got it. howard sed it wuz prolly cuz of the smirkin’, but eva sed she thot it wuz cuz there wuz an outside force that wuz decidin’ who she wud kiss. she wuz not happy. she sed, “wut iz it w/guyz & girlz n mboro?” i sed, “wut do u mean?” eva sed, “guyz r like cowboyz. their next horse haz 2b bettah than their old horse.” i sed, “ru sayin’ girlz r like horses?” eva sed, “u know how riderz say that a horse b-comes part of ur life? well, a guy hazta getta horse thass better’n the last 1 or he thinks he shoulda stayed w/the 1st horse.” i sed, “i didn’t know guyz were so picky ‘bout horses.” eva sed, “if ur new horse iz better’n ur old horse, then u don’t hafta clean up aftah ur old horse ne more.” i sed, “if u sold ur old horse, it wud be sum1 else’s responsibility to clean up after it.” eva sed, “u wud sell ur horse 2 sum else? u wudn’t let ur horse wander free?” i sed, “usually domestic8ed horses don’t do well n the wild.” eva sed, “ru sayin’ i am domestic8ed?” i sed, “no i am sayin’ ur old horse shudn’t b let 2 wander free.” eva sed, “i’ve seen 1 of ur old horses, & considering that old horse, thass certainly rite.” i sed, “i’ve nevah owned a horse.” eva smirked & sed, “not that u know of.” that wuz a strange convo.
this mornin’, i wuz walkin’ 2 skool & ur dad drove up n his new crevasse turbo 4x & started revvin’ the engine rite b-side us. he opened the window & sed, “wutyah think jeremy? u prolly have a good surly teenage boy opinion.” i sed, “dr. p. i allreddy told u, i thot u shoulda got a truck. it’s way cooler than a station wagon.” dr. p sed, “ur not gonna say ‘she’z a cool car, dr. p!’ like gerald did or ‘totally sweet’ like duncan did?” i sed, “no. dr. p. i have this thing ‘bout b-ing honest, evn if it’s not wut peeps wanna hear.” ur dad sed, “jeremy. i don’t think ur my favourite teenage boy nemore. the next tyme i buy a car & take sum1 4 a test drive, it won’t b u.” i sed, “thanx, dr. p. u’ve made my day.” it looks like it's gonna b a good day.
At 9:18 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Justin is better than most guys. He is not interesting in cars, or horses, or cleaning up after cars or horses. I don’t have to feed Justin and he smells pretty good too. You should switch from Gerald to Justin.
Love Shannon Lake.
At 9:30 AM,
howard said…
April,
Your friend Eva certainly uses some odd analogies with cars and horses, although with the comment about strapping on a car so it becomes part of your body, I think she may have been saying something completely different. I don’t know her that well, but I think one of the reasons I may have a difficult time with her was that last night she started to look a lot like my old girlfriend Beatrice Alfarero, and I don’t remember having that problem with her last April. It was very distracting, and I had to consciously stop myself from calling her Beatrice. It also didn’t help that Becky came home from doing her Valhalla show and wanted to show Beatrice / I mean Eva how to do a bilabial vibration kiss on Jeremy, and Eva got upset and started saying weird things about how a new horse has to kiss better than an old horse. It was very awkward.
Howard K.
At 9:43 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings talking about your conversation with your friend Eva comparing horses to cars. Things are different in the South. In Otter County sometimes people compare horses to snow machines for snow travel. The teenagers all prefer snow machines. They are faster and do not require the upkeep of a horse. Snow machines are also much less expensive than a horse in the long term. If your friend Eva lived in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), I would recommend a snow machine.
Your sister doesn’t have a snow machine or a horse or a car, so I have to do the traveling to visit her. She has mentioned buying a car lately, and I told her a snow machine would be better for travel around Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) or if she wanted to visit me at work at Spruce Narrows when my transfer goes through. She said, “With a car you can drive all the way to Milborough.” I said, “But most of your day-to-day travel is around Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) and Spruce Narrows.” I know she is thinking of travel to visit you when she says she wants a car. I think she is tired of having to get rides with people.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 9:55 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. You have a weird obsession with poop, too. That is quite interesting to me, since I thought my obsession with poop simply had to do with trying to avoid changing diapers if I could. I have managed to master the ability to disappear into the attic at just the precise time when my son creates a big stinky one. It is a talent, not unlike my talent with writing. Unlike you, I feel as though I am always in control of what I say. After I have finished writing a column, or revising a play, or put a particularly necessary editorial mark in someone’s manuscript; I have this feeling of euphoria as if there is nothing I can write that will end up being anything less than totally successful. Just the other day, I was in the grocery store with a shopping list I had written. It accidentally dropped to the ground and a lady in the store picked it up, handed it back to me and said, “Excuse me, mister. But this is the best shopping list I have ever seen, do you know anything about editing manuscripts?” I got a new freelance job right then and there in the grocery store. I don’t normally go into the grocery store, but yesterday was Mother’s Day and for some reason I felt the compulsion to go grocery shopping to help out Deanna. I couldn’t believe my luck with the shopping list. So you see little sis, not all Pattersons have your problem with feeling as though they are controlled by outside forces when they are writing.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 2:20 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i got 2 lunch & shannon sed, “eva…iz…sittin’…@...april,…duncan…&…gerald’s…table.” vicki sed, “i thot she sed cudn’t stand 2 watch april eat.” shannon sed, “wut…did…u…do…jeremy?” i sed, “i didn’t do nething. she wuz practicin’ kissin’ on me last nite.” gordie sed, “wut? i’ve missed a lot b-ing n hospital. ru & eva gf / bf”?” shannon sed, “they…were...gonna…go…on…a…d8…friday.” vicki sed, “how wuz art school confidential?” i sed, “not az good az ghost world.” gordie sed, “it looks like she iz rilly innerested n duncan 2 me.” i sed, “me 2.” vicki sed, “sorry, jeremy.” shannon sed, “i’m…gonna…ask.” i sed, “no. don’t do that.” shannon sed, “i…will…b…tactful…jeremy.” so shannon came back & sed, “eva…sez…duncan…saw…zandra…larson…on…her…front…porch…w/…her…ex-bf…this…am. he…iz…rilly…bummed…&…eva…iz…tryin’…2…comfort…him. then…eva…sed…sumthin’…’bout…horses…&…19…year…oldz…w/convertiblez. i…didn’t…unnerstand…that…part.” i sed, “wuz it sumthing like ‘u wanna new horse better’n ur old horse.’?” shannon sed, “mebbe…eva…iz…hard…2…unnerstand…wen…she…talks…’bout…horses.” gordie sed, “thass 4 sure, dude. she tried 2 tell me a sk8board wuz like a horse. but i sed that till u can ollie a horse, they r totally diff things.” vicki sed, “i don’t think i can look ovah @that table nemore.” shannon, “ur…sad…cuz…eva…haz…abandoned…us?” vicki sed, “no. april started eatin’ & it’s 2 disgustin’ 2 look @wen she spits her food, while she iz chewin’.” we all went “ew!!” & we hadda talk ‘bout sumthin’ else.
At 7:23 PM,
Anonymous said…
Blogs are like horses because. Um, well. Wait, never mind.
Eva
At 7:29 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, like u'd even notice if sumthing were controlling what an' how u write. or if mayB a force were makin' u get all kindsa jobs not, like, based on u having talent or nething. i'm just saying.
ok, i'll eat lunch in the bathroom from now on, i guess.
apes
At 8:20 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I would notice if something were controlling what and how I write. After all, I noticed all the lectures from mom on schoolwork when I was living in Milborough. I don’t know what you are trying to say about a force making me get all kinds of jobs not, based on having talent. If I didn’t know better, I would say my little sis has started believing dad’s lectures why it is more important to have fun than to succeed. Little sis, you are a Patterson. If you are like me, and I know you are, you have talent to spare, and if you work hard, you will be a success at whatever you do.
No offence to dad, but I really wish he had done two more years of school to become an orthodontist, instead of settling for dentist, and pretending it was more fun to be a dentist than an orthodontist all these years. Dad never talks about my writing, and he only seems to be proud of me when I rake leaves or carry luggage for him. Then he goes on and on about how proud he is of Gordon or Anthony or Lawrence and their businesses. I’m proud of those guys, too; but sometimes it would be nice if even once dad said he had read something I wrote.
The simple fact is your older brother is a talented man. I have persevered and done what I set out to do. In fact, I’ve done more! I now work regularly for two publishing houses, editing manuscripts. I write a weekly column which is in three newspapers. I owe some of my success to Deanna who looks after me like a mother. The point being is that if you are a success, little sis, it won’t have anything to do with some unknown force. It will be because you worked hard to get there. Don’t pay too much attention to dad’s lectures, eh?
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 8:36 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes, evrythings cube w/ me & Zed. She pulled me in2 the janitors closet aft lunch & I no that she wants me, not that 19 yo foob w/ the 'Asse convertible.
Zed & I r going 2 yr dads office @ lunch 2morrow 2 pick up my letter of reference. I have 2 go c my lawyer aft skool 2morrow.
Zed says she can get me a job w/ her @ the library this summer but I dont think theyll hire me if I dont beat these charges. Oh man. Got 2 go. I made a huge mistake & told my mom abt the library job & now shes yelling @ my dad again. I cant w8 4 my trial 2 b ovah.
L8r.
At 9:07 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i am ovah @eva’z studyin’ now. i am havin’ a rilly hard tyme unnerstandin’ her rite now & i hope u can help. she called me up aftah skool & sed, “u wanna come ovah 2 study w/me, jeremy?” i sed, “u want me 2 come? i thot u & duncan had a thing goin’?” eva sed, “did u know u don’t strap on a horse or a car?” i sed, “i guess u cud if it wuz a rilly little horse or car, like sum of thoze plastic toy horses or cars.” eva sed, “no, jeremy. a real horse or car. did you know u don’t strap thoze on?” i sed yes. eva sed, “good. the next tyme i say sumthin’ st00pid like that, wud u tell me?” i sed, “ok. if u want. y?” eva sed, “i sed sumthin’ ‘bout strapping on horses or carz 2 sum othah peeps, who didn’t say a word 2 me ‘bout it. then i found out ‘bout the strappin’ n the worst possible way. promise me u’ll tell me if i do that again.” i cud tell eva wuz upset & i sed, “i promise.”
so i came ovah 2 eva’z house 2 study & while we r studyin’ she sez, “jeremy. have u evah come outa the closet?” i sed, “wtf? do u think i am gay?” eva sed, “no the janitor’s closet @skool.” i sed, “u mean the 1 sum peeps go 2 kiss n?” eva sed yes. i sed, “a few tymez, i guess, wen i wuz d8in’ rebeccah & her mom wuz actin’ a little crayzee, so we didn’t wanna do nething @her house.” then we were back 2 studyin’ again. then eva sed, “if u picked a new horse, wud u immediately go back 2 ur old horse, if u thot ur new horse had sed sumthin’ st00pid?” i sed, “i’ve nevah had a horse & i don’t think they can talk.” eva sed, “thass b-side the point. if u had picked a new talkin’ horse.” i sed, “i guess it wud depend on whether or not the old horse wuz around & cud be bought & how awful the new horse was.” then we were back 2 studyin’ again. then eva sed, “do u think i am awful, jeremy?” i sed, “if i did, i wudn’t be studyin’ w/u, eh?” then we were back 2 studyin’ again. then eva sed, “if u hadda a horse w/a white mane, wud u like it, or wud u prefer a horse w/a diffrent colour mane, like red?” i sed, “i don’t think i wud care wut colour mane my horse had, if i hadda horse, which i don’t & prolly nevah will.” eva sed, “u don’t think u will evah have a horse?” i sed, “i doubt it. i’m a city boy & city boyz don’t usually get horses.” eva sed, “wut if a horse rilly liked u?” i sed, “that’ll nevah happ. i have bad luck w/horses.” then outa nowhere, eva kissed me. like i sed, i am havin’ a rilly hard tyme unnerstandin’ eva.
At 9:29 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Oh, man. My auntie Perdita called my mom. Shes coming 2 TO 4 sum uncube Bajan festival in June. I bet shes bringing goat baby w/ her.
Then my dad asked me if I wanted 2 go 2 Horny Ts w/ him 4 a dbl dbl. I think he wanted 2 escape while my mom was still yapping on the fone w/ Perdita. I told him I didnt want Luggie 2 charge me 4 having a dbl dbl w/ the Crown witness in my case rite b4 trial. He looked so sad I almost felt sorry 4 him.
Got 2 go. Zed's @ my bedroom window.
L8r, mayB.
At 9:35 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, i guess i nev really thot abt how dad praises u 4 st00pid thingz but never 4 yr work stuff. that's pretty uncube.
jeremy, eva told me she feelz like sumthing out of her control was making her talk in horse metaphorz all day.
dunc, i m glad everything'z ok w/zandra an' that my dad'z gonna help u w/a letter of ref.
apes
At 10:20 PM,
howard said…
April,
I got a surprise this evening when I was at the Valhalla for my late evening performance and Becky showed up at the dressing room. She said, “I want to help you put on your makeup tonight, Howie.” So, she helped me put makeup on the spots I couldn’t reach, when Marjee Mahaha walked in the dressing room and said, “Becky. What you doing here?” Becky said, “Putting makeup on my fiancée. What are you doing here?” Marjee said, “I normally help Howard with his makeup.” Then Jennifer, Dr. Patterson’s dental assistant popped in the door and said, “Marjee. Becky. I see you already got Howard’s makeup on. Let me fix this spot you missed.” Becky said, “Not necessary. I am Howard’s fiancée. I can handle it.” Marjee said, “Don’t you have school tomorrow?” Becky said, “What does that have to do with anything?” Marjee said, “Well, maybe you have homework to do or something like that?” Jennifer chimed in, “Don’t you have a test to study for?” Then Thorvald popped in the dressing room and said, “Need any help putting on your makeup, Hoskuld?” Becky said, “Fafa, no. Howie’s all covered.” Thorvald said, “I see a spot you missed.” Marjee said, “I got it.” Jennifer said, “I’m closer.” Becky said, “Back off. I’ll make sure he’s covered.” As the 4 of them were struggling with the makeup case, Orque popped in and said, “Howard. Do you want me to put makeup on…What is everyone doing here?” Thorvald said, “Go back to work Orque.” Orque said, “OK. Thorvald.” And he slunk out of the dressing room. Thorvald said, “Becky-Thora, you are obviously not experienced in putting makeup on a gay man. Look at all these places you missed.” Marjee chimed in and said, “And these colours. They won’t catch the light.” Jennifer added, “You completely messed up his highlights.” Becky said, “But I am his fiancée and not you guys.” Thorvald said, “I never let your mother put on my makeup. She did not have the finesse. There. You look perfect Hoskuld.” Marjee said, “Yes. I have the colours blended just right.” Jennifer said, “And the highlights are quite striking.” I said, “Becky. Look me over and make sure you approve.” Becky seemed to be happy to do that and added a few extra touches. I am covered with so much makeup now. I can’t wait to wash after the show is over.
Howard K.
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