I must B chopped liver!
Doodz, it's Mother's Day! Happy Mom's day 2 the maternal 1's out there! So, like, U all know I've got Elly Patterson 4 a mom, an' she crayzee an' all, but, y'know, she's still my mom & I wanted 2 do sumthin' nice 4 her, eh? And so I made her a special brekkie, and every1 knowz how much my mom luvs the pastriez, eh? So, I made her favourites: palmiers, bear claws, beignets, Napoleons, baked Alaska, crèpes, Belgian waffles, Viennese anise cookies, cheese cake, fudge squares, baklava, raspberry tart, apple torte, cherry turnovers, chocolate cinnamon rolls, caramel popovers, chocolate eclairs, cannolis, strudel, and cream puffs. Which, like, took 4evs. And I arranged all these on the dining room table, with a vase of Mom's fave fresh flowerz, a silver locket w/a baby pic of me on 1 side an' a current pic on the other, and a Mom'z day card that was more xpensive than it had NE rite 2 B. And a big cup of latte just how she likes it, w/skim milk (LOL!).
So, U'd think Mom wd B, like, s00per touched by all this, rite? But she was kinda like, "Oh, thanx, April. Then she gobbled all the food, guzzled the coffee, looked @ the necklace an' the card, put 'em aside, stretched, and said, "Oh, April, U know what? Your big brother and Dee are coming by with Merrie and Robin this evening, so they can have a night out for Mother's Day! Dee tellz me that Merrie even made me a card!" An' I was all, "But U're not her mother, U're her grandmother. There'z a separate grandparents' day, U know." And Mom was all, "Don't change the subject, April. NEway, I'm really looking forward 2 having the little onez here this evening. It'll B an xcellent day 2 have them in the kitchen B-cuz it'll make me feel like a MOM again!" And I'm all, "AGAIN? When xactly did U stop B-ing my mom?" And Mom was all, "Oh, April! Spare me the teenage melodrama! And Y don't U get bizzy cleaning up this mess! We can't have all these crumbz in the dining room, what w/Robin having just recovered from his l8est ear infection!" And then she was off 2harass visit Connie!
NEway, I'm a bit depressed now, and Ger'z off w/hiz fam doing a special "Mater's Day" retreat in Ottawa. So, I'm gonna meet Dunc @ Horny T's l8r (natch) an' mayB sum of us will get 2gether 2 jam in the afternoon.
Apes
So, U'd think Mom wd B, like, s00per touched by all this, rite? But she was kinda like, "Oh, thanx, April. Then she gobbled all the food, guzzled the coffee, looked @ the necklace an' the card, put 'em aside, stretched, and said, "Oh, April, U know what? Your big brother and Dee are coming by with Merrie and Robin this evening, so they can have a night out for Mother's Day! Dee tellz me that Merrie even made me a card!" An' I was all, "But U're not her mother, U're her grandmother. There'z a separate grandparents' day, U know." And Mom was all, "Don't change the subject, April. NEway, I'm really looking forward 2 having the little onez here this evening. It'll B an xcellent day 2 have them in the kitchen B-cuz it'll make me feel like a MOM again!" And I'm all, "AGAIN? When xactly did U stop B-ing my mom?" And Mom was all, "Oh, April! Spare me the teenage melodrama! And Y don't U get bizzy cleaning up this mess! We can't have all these crumbz in the dining room, what w/Robin having just recovered from his l8est ear infection!" And then she was off 2
NEway, I'm a bit depressed now, and Ger'z off w/hiz fam doing a special "Mater's Day" retreat in Ottawa. So, I'm gonna meet Dunc @ Horny T's l8r (natch) an' mayB sum of us will get 2gether 2 jam in the afternoon.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:30 AM
13 Comments:
At 9:25 AM,
Anonymous said…
Apes, I'm sorry to see your Mom is being such a butt! My 'rents and I are going to a big brunch at La Mangerie at the corner of Milborough ave and Eastgate Blvd. Jeremy told me he's taking his Mom there, too. We'll probably hook up w/you later to jam, eh?
Eva
At 9:38 AM,
Anonymous said…
Hello, April!
What a busy weekend this is for me! Not everyone knows this, but the Saturday before Mother's Day is known as "Birth Mother's Day", to recognize birth moms who have given up children for adoption. I took my birth mom, Marilyn Simone, out for brunch yesterday, and today it's going to be brunch with my adoptive mom, Maggie O'Connell Mahaha. Mom has heard good things about the Mother's Day brunch at La Mangerie, so I guess I'll be seeing Eva and Jeremy there!
Marjee
At 10:17 AM,
Anonymous said…
Hi, April! My parents, my brother Blair, and I are on our way to La Mangerie for the brunch. Sorry about your mom. My mother says she's "dysfunctional".
Shannon
At 12:56 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes!
My mom doesnt want 2 go 2 La Mangerie dunno y but its cube w/ me. Ill bring her sum donuts fr Horny T & sum mushy card 2 thank her 4 being in labour w/ me.
Sorry Ive not bn posting l8ly, Ive bn so bummed that its 2 much effort 2 type. Evry1s talking abt their plans 4 Vic Day weekend & all I can think abt is my trial which starts on the 23rd rite aft the holiday. Sum holiday. My 'rents r still fiting abt the trial I think my mom has even 4got its Mothers Day mayB its good the trial will b ovah soon.
At least Zeds happy if goths r allowed 2 b happy. The Sens were eliminated fr the playoffs last nite the Sabres scored in OT while the Sabres were shorthanded! Looks good on the Sens I h8 the Sens its so gr8 they went down. Now I dont care abt the playoffs NEmore.
Zeds going 2 meet us @ Horny T aft she & her 'rents & Bratto2 get back fr La Mangerie. We r going 2 the Vakitan 2nite if u want 2 join us.
L8r.
At 1:05 PM,
April Patterson said…
i m totally up 4 the vatikan 2nite! i doubt my mom will even notice cuz she'll b so busy puttin' the "grand" in "grandma".
i almost 4got that yr trial is coming up so fast. it seemed so far away 4 the longest time! can i do sumthing 2 help the outcome?
apes
At 7:47 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings talking about your Mother’s Day with your ningashi (mother). The list of all those pastries made me remember the time when your mother stayed overnight at my detachment last year. She is a good eater. It was lucky we did not have anyone else at the detachment that night, or I think they would have gone hungry. I am impressed you would try to fill your ningashi (mother’s) stomach for Mother’s Day. You are a very good daughter (ndaanis).
I know you must be sad your ningashi (mother) likes to think of herself as a ningashi (mother) to her nooshenh (grandchildren). My constable eyes look for clues in things. I must tell you something I noticed last week, when you were writing about your ningashi (mother) visiting your ningnis (nephew) and nishimis (niece). Your ningnis (nephew) did not get better until your ningashi (mother) visited. Then there was the story about how your nisayenh (brother) and niinim (sister-in-law) got drunk after their ashangekwe (landlady) took your ningnis (nephew) overnight. Maybe your ningashi (mother) likes to think of herself as a ningashi (mother) to her nooshenh (grandchildren), because she thinks she is a better ningashi (mother) than your nisayenh (brother) and niinim (sister-in-law). Your ningashi (mother) is such a fine woman, I can believe she would take over that duty to help out your nisayenh (brother) and niinim (sister-in-law).
Among my people, there is a big problem with so many women who are single ningashi (mothers). When that happens, the nokomis (grandmother) usually helps with the children. This is a good thing for my people and I think it is a good thing with your ningashi (mother). It must be hard on you though. Your ningashi (mother) is such a fine woman. I am sure she will make it up to you.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 8:01 PM,
April Patterson said…
i dunno, paul. i m pretty sore w/her still. when i told her i was leaving 2 go 2 the vatikan (club) w/dunc an' zandra, she was all, "hm, huh? oh, ok, whatever, um, u." like she cd hardly remem who i was. so, i'm on my way 2 to w/dunc & zed.
eva, dunc, an' i had a pretty cube jam session in dunc's garage earlier 2day. zandra was there shouting out requests. she was pretty impressed that we knew so many souixsie and the banshees song. jeremy got sum pretty good sound going 4 us.
apes
At 8:16 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I read Lizardbreath’s cop boyfriend’s letter. I think he is trying to say that our mother is a better parent to my children than I am or Deanna is. I would have to say that is 100% correct. As you know, there is no mother better than our mother is.
I took Deanna to a big Mother’s Day brunch at La Mangerie. The cacophony of the restaurant going public was music to my writer’s ears. Occasionally it would interrupted by Dee saying, “Are you even listening to me?” But other than that, I think I got many great stories out of it.
I saw the father and mother of your old nemesis Jeremy Jones at La Mangerie. I wasn’t sure where Jeremy was. That man has the air of a complete and total lecher to him. Whenever his wife was not looking, he was entranced by a white-haired African-American sylphan nymph sitting with her salt-and-pepper parents. Finally they sat together and I heard the most interesting conversation about erasing and unerasing. I will have to tell it to you sometime, but first I think it is going to be an entry in my weekly column.
At another table was a woman, I would swear was dressed like a bush pilot for some place in Northern Alaska. She was quite rough and was sitting with a very muscular native woman. They had a very odd discussion on how to attract men. The types of men they were interested in were so odd. The pilot-looking woman was specifically interested in Jewish New York doctors who had their medical school paid for by small villages in northern Alaska. The muscular native woman was specifically interested in muscular, gay, cross-dressing shampoo girls. And I thought girls were picky about boys when I was single.
While I was listening to all these conversations and taking notes, this obscene girl came by, and my discerning writer’s ear for dialogue, told me she was special needs and a very improper special needs girl at that. Her hair was straight and down completely. No ponytail, or bun or bowl haircut at all. She said to me, “It’s…not…nice…to…eavesdrop.” I told her writers do not eavesdrop, they get story ideas. She said, “Writers…are…not…nice.” She was obviously criminally insane, and I told her so. The woman with her yelled at me and asked me my name. I did not say, trying to protect my source for my writing, but Deanna said, “Michael Patterson.” The lady said, “You’re Elly Patterson’s son?” I said, “You know mother? Well, you are obviously someone of taste.” The lady said, “Yes. And I will never taste any of your mother’s cooking again.” It was sad to see that the horrible girl and her woman with her were both certifiable lunatics. Not wanting to eat our mother’s cooking. That is a sure sign of insanity, if there ever was one.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 8:45 PM,
April Patterson said…
aw, mike, u were confused again. 1st of all, u did not c jeremy'z dad. u saw jeremy. yeh, yeh, he loox old 4 his age, but, yeh, that was jeremy w/his mom. an' he was lookin' @ our friend eva. she was the blonde. i think the pilot-looking woman was maggie mahaha, marjee's mother, who was there w/marjee.
the girl w/the long hair who sed eavesdropping is not nice, that was prolly shannon lake, w/her mom, philandrea. an' sorry, but shan was rite abt the eavesdropping.
apes
At 8:50 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, “a pretty cube jam session”? were we evn @the same place? wut i remembah iz me tryin’ 2 uze pre-recorded drum patternz 2 make up 4 gigli not b-ing there, & i sucked. i remembah that no mattah wut zandra shouted out, her bf duncan wud say he cud play it, evn tho it wuz totally obvious he cudn’t, xxcept 4 sum of thoze souixsie & the banshees songs u mentioned. i remembah eva tellin’ goth girl jokes & zandra tellin’ smirkin’ girl jokes. the 1 ‘bout merkin & smirkin’ wuz pretty funny, i thot. but eva did not agree & she didn’t like it wen i laffed. i remembah wen u guyz left 2 go 2 the vatikan & we kinda didn’t get nvited 2 go, prolly cuz of all the eva / zandra catty comments. then wut wuz up w/u sayin’ 2 me “u got sum pretty good sound goin’” & that shoulder rubbin’? it, like, completely confuzed me, cuz i totally sucked & i liked the shoulder rubbin’ way 2 much. sumtymez i just don’t unnerstand u.
At 9:27 PM,
April Patterson said…
sorry, jer, i guess my head was so full of thots abt how my mom doesn't think she'z a mom unless she'z babysitting the grandkids that i didn't notice a whole buncha stuff or sumthin'. i totally thot the jam session was cube, but i guess u were rite abt me not really b-ing there, if it was like how u sed it was!
rite b4 i left w/dunc & zandra, eva came up 2 me & sed "pls don't invite jeremy and me 2 go 2 the vatikan w/u guyz. i want him 2 do sumthing else i've got planned." an' she kinda smirked @ me. so it told dunc an' zandra that u and eva had planz.
apes
At 10:38 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. That lecherous old man was actually Jeremy Jones? That makes for an even better story. He has really let himself go. So many of the men in Milborough just refuse to do the basic things to keep their appearance up. One of the advantages I have in having such a close friend as Jo Weeder, with his connections to the sylphan nymphs of the modeling industry is I have learned about a daily skin regimen using Algae Peptides to decrease wrinkles, Glycolic (Alpha Hydroxy) Acid to keep the pores clean, Salicylic (Beta Hydroxy) Acid, to keep the skin surface smooth, Sphingolipids & Ceramides to hydrate the skin, Herbal Extracts to soothe and minimize skin irritation and promote healing, Hyaluronic Acid to moisturize without irritation, Oxygen Formulations to increase the amount of Adenosine Triphosphate (ATP) present in our skin cells, L-Ascorbic Acid (Vitamin C), to increase the intake of vitamin C, Titanium Dioxide to block the sun's UVA rays which are responsible for skin aging and skin cancer. Jo Weeder says I am one of the best-looking men he knows and I would have to agree with him, when I see people like Jeremy Jones.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 10:53 PM,
howard said…
April,
I am so sorry your mother ignored you on Mother’s Day of all days to favour your niece and nephew. I am afraid my mother did the exact same thing to me this very day. My sister’s kids completely dominated the Mother’s Day activities, until…I release my bombshell that I was engaged to get married and my fiancée was a girl and she was the girl that was sitting beside me at the lunch table. I introduced Becky and you should have seen the wide, gaping mouths of my family. They were so shocked, you could have heard a pin drop. I actually heard a few forks drop, and that was good enough for me.
My sister was the first to offer congratulations when she said, “But she’s a teenager.” My mom said, “Isn’t that illegal?” I explained that Becky and I were not going to get married until she turned 18, and at least my mother breathed a sigh of relief. After that, the conversation completely centered on us, and Becky took over completely. She had my family eating out of the palm of her hand. That is a figurative phrase and not a literal one, not counting my uncle Kelvin who did try to eat something out of Becky’s hand. It was the last piece of chicken, so I understood.
In any case, next Mother’s Day, if you announce you are engaged, I think you can beat out your niece and nephew for your mother’s attention. Otherwise, I think you will have to get used to taking a backseat to them in your mother’s eyes.
It was a pretty good dinner. Tonight Becky is doing her Valhalla show and I am in the process of teaching your friend Eva the bilabial vibration kiss. Apparently some person leaked it to Eva that she had dated Jeremy and that he would not consider any girlfriend acceptable until she could perform the bilabial vibration kiss. This is nonsense of course. Your friend Jeremy is so desperate he would probably accept overtures from me. I hate to speak poorly of your friends, but your friend Eva is a slow learner when it comes to kissing. I think all the smirking has messed up her kissing embrasure. Oh well, back to work.
Howard K.
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