Oldz 2 the rescue?
My Mom decided 2 put the "grand" in "Grandma" an' hightail it out 2 TO on Tuesday 2 help Mike an' Dee. While she was there, Lovey stopped by. According 2 Mom, Lovey was all, like, saying it was good that Mom came 2 look after the baby cuz a child needz his grandmother when he'z sick. I guess I'm lucky I survived my childhood illnesses, cuz when I was little, my g'parents alwayz lived in other provinces an' cdn't just pop over 2 help out. NEway, Mom gushed that Lovey's been so helpful and alwayz has a remedy 4 everything. And then Lovey told her that they don't alwayz work, but she tries. And that just the other nite, the neighbourz were all mad cuz Robin was crying, an' so she came over w/hot milk & brandy. 4 a sec there, Mom thot she meant L. had given brandy 2 Robin, but she meant the brandy was 4 Mike an' Dee. And then she took Robin over 2 her place, cuz she doesn't need much sleep.
Gerald, OK, we'll hold off on discussing how many kidz 4 a coupla yrs. Tho I don't think it's v. nice 4 U 2 B making contingency planz w/6yo's.
Jeremy an' Eva, thanx 4 hangin' w/me @ Horny T's. It helped take my mind offa stuff.
Apes
Gerald, OK, we'll hold off on discussing how many kidz 4 a coupla yrs. Tho I don't think it's v. nice 4 U 2 B making contingency planz w/6yo's.
Jeremy an' Eva, thanx 4 hangin' w/me @ Horny T's. It helped take my mind offa stuff.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:54 AM
16 Comments:
At 9:54 AM,
howard said…
April,
My aunt Winnie called me and told me all about the night when they were supposedly “mad.” They had gone to their landlady, Lovey Saltzman and asked her to intervene with your brother and sister-in-law to take their child to a doctor. Lovey got upset. She said, “Oy. I have been trying every remedy I know and they don’t always work. I’ll find one eventually. Don’t get your tokhes in an uproar.” My aunt and uncle said, “You don’t understand. The baby has been sick for over two weeks. Someone needs to take him to see a doctor, and they won’t listen to us.” Then Lovey said, “I have the perfect remedy.” And then she started heating up milk. My aunt and uncle gave up at that point, and resolved to listen to crying baby all night again. But then they heard Lovey take the baby next door and the crying could no longer be heard as loudly. My aunt said, “Let’s see how the neighbours handle it.” And then they were about to go to sleep when they heard your brother and sister-in-law laughing loudly and hysterically with obviously slurred speech. My uncle told my aunt they were drunk, but my aunt couldn’t believe they would give up their sick baby to the landlady and then get plastered. I couldn’t believe it either. My aunt swears it is true. The next morning, she said she saw Josef Weeder and Carleen Stein, the neighbours next door upstairs from Lovey, all bleary-eyed and exhausted. My aunt could completely relate to what they were feeling. Then she saw your brother and sister-in-law clearly recovering from a hangover. She said it was crazy.
With any luck, your mother will take your nephew to the doctor and start working on finding out what is wrong with him. My aunt is still afraid that people are going to come to the conclusion that they are somehow responsible for your nephew's poor health. After listening to a screaming baby for over 2 weeks, my aunt Winnie wants me to assure you that there is nothing that they want more than for your nephew to get better.
Howard K.
At 10:02 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i guess ur mom iz stayin’ n TO these dayz. duz that mean chicken and couscous w/ur dad every nite? thass gotta bite. sorry, ur nephew iz still sick. i remembah 1 tyme wen i wuz little, my mom made the mistake of lettin’ my dad take care of me wen i wuz sick & she hadda do sumthin’ mportant outa town w/my grandparents. she came home & found my dad passed out drunk & i wuz tryin’ 2 put scissors n the wall socket. ur story ‘bout ur bro & sis-in-law remindz me of that tyme. i know u complain ‘bout ur mom cuz she iz not so good @the mom thing, but she’z gotta b bettah than ur bro & sis-n-law.
At 10:05 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Mom is a life saver. I called her yesterday and she came right over to take care of Robin during the day. As you have said many times, mom puts the “grand” in grandmom. Of course, since mom has only been to our apartment once in the last year, Deanna thought it would be good idea to see if Lovey, our landlady, would go in and check on her. Lovey is probably the best landlady on the face of the earth. She is even better than Agnes Dingle, if you can believe that. Deanna and I got so drunk from that Brandy she gave us, the night she took Robin to her apartment. I think I may have gotten lucky with Deanna, but I can’t remember it. I definitely woke up covered in sweat. That was a great evening. Let me give you some advice, little sis. Wherever you go in life, it is very important to find a matronly grandmotherly type woman to take care of you. Lizardbreath and I have done that wherever it is that we have ever lived. I thought when I got married, maybe I would not need that kind of woman to take care of me, but Lovey has proved me wrong. We Pattersons can’t live without one. Lizardbreath will tell you the exact same thing.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 10:08 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings from your ningashi (mother) and it made me remember what a wonderful woman your ningashi (mother) is. I know that when your sister and I have children and one of them gets sick, your ningashi (mother) will volunteer to drive to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) to be with her grandchild. That’s the kind of woman she is. You must be very proud to have such a woman as your ningashi (mother). Of course, among my people, if the Tamarack bark tea did not solve the problem with the earache, we would take our child to the doctor or to the nurse’s station in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). Vivian Crane works there and she is very good. She has treated me for cat scratches and bites many times.
I hope your nindoozhim (nephew) feels better soon.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 1:30 PM,
howard said…
April,
I have to do two shows tonight at the Valhalla supper club. Arne the magician, who normally does the early show, while I do the late show, said he had to attend the funeral of his second cousin once removed in Oregon, a radio talk show host named Lars Larson, who apparently was beaten to death after he antagonized a group of immigration law protestors. It sounded like a terrible way to go. I think Thorvald McGuire (Becky’s dad and owner of the Valhalla) has gotten used to Arne’s regularly scheduled Thursday funerals, since this is the 3rd Thursday in a row he has attended some Larson’s funeral.
Howard K.
At 2:23 PM,
Anonymous said…
Paul,
You are getting ahead of yourself. I have not agreed to have children with you. And, even if we did, I think I would like to live down south, so my children could benefit from the wisdom of their grandmother as often as possible.
I like dancing in my socks with you. And, if this is love, I'm loving it. But other than that, I'm just not sure yet.
Liz
At 2:26 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest April flower,
You misunderstand my motivations. I was not attempting to find myself a backup Viking. I was just trying to let little Ragnhild down gently. She is a very nice little Viking girl, but, as you point out, she is still just a girl.
Also, I caught little Ben Geller and Milhouse Van Houten on the playground yesterday afternoon. They were each trying to out-Viking the other. I think they are competing for little Ragnhild's affections. I am sure that every little Viking in Canada will be after her. She is quite a remarkable little girl.
Devotedly, Gerald
At 6:19 PM,
April Patterson said…
becks, rite after u got the gig, i wrote that it was v. cube of u. i thot u knew that meant we're interested. tho eva was wondering what u have in mind 4 her. backup singing?
apes
At 7:28 PM,
April Patterson said…
k, becks--dunc, eva, an' i r on our way now. we had a coupla diff guyz trying out 4 keyboard, but nothing's set, so it'll just b the 4 of us jamming w/u 2nite.
apes
At 7:33 PM,
Anonymous said…
rebeccah, i’ll b ovah 2 set up the equipment 4 u guyz 2 jam. no prob doin’ the end-of-year prom, cuz i need the money. the shakespeare gig nevah paid & i am almost broke. i only have a little money left frum wen u played ur last gig w/me, back n january. i guess the guy who duz the sound 4u @the valhalla iz 2 xxpensive or sumthin’. duzn’t mattah wut the reazn iz. i need the work. i have sum spare tyme, cuz eva & i have finished all the homework we had due: all essays, independent study projects, math homework, everythin’, ncludin’ the stuff that wuz assigned 2day. there’z sumthin’ ‘bout her smirks that makes me work xxtra fast. i dunno wut it iz. cu n a few.
At 7:56 PM,
Anonymous said…
Elizabeth,
I gwiinawenim (miss) you.
I read your writings about how you did not agree to have children with me. You are right. I am being presumptuous. I know you like it when I am open and honest with you, so I tell you that am in love with you. Naturally the next step is marriage and children, but only when you are ready.
Your mother is a wonderful woman. I think any child would be happy to live close to her. When you are ready to take the next step in our relationship, it would take awhile to get a transfer to Milborough from Spruce Narrows since I just requested a transfer to Spruce Narrows. I know I could do it eventually. When you are ready to take the next step in our relationship, you could also find work in Milborough, but there is no hurry since the people in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) love you and would never think of replacing you there in your job as a school teacher. When you are ready to take the next step in our relationship, then when my transfer to Milborough is accepted, we could move together. Do you know if there are any houses for sale in your mother’s neighbourhood?
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 8:08 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
I am glad you’re jamming tonight to get out of that funk you have been in from not getting to spend time with Taylor Morgan. I find that lifting weights is a good way to get out of a funk, but that isn’t really your style. Be sure to put the naked juice bottles in the trash when you’re done. I left some snacks for you guys before I left. Check the refrigerator in your bungalow.
I finished my first show and one of the nice things about not following Arne the magician, is I don’t have to clean up lice from his disappearing lice trick. Thorvald and I had a conversation about the proper diet for Viking children. He mentioned Brennevin and warm milk. I said, “For the children?” Thorvald said, “They can have some too. Small children cry a lot and they are too little to have fun with throwing axes.” Don’t take this the wrong way, but I think when we have children and they get sick, I will probably not ask your dad to come take care of them.
Howard K.
At 9:45 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
I guess that explains your unusually high tolerance for Brennevin. Brennevin for teething and fussy babies. I will have to remember that trick. Right now, I just use Brennevin to clean rusty pots or tar off my boots.
Howard K.
At 10:17 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
They lied to us when they said the girls who wear all black would only come to story time once a week. They were there again today at Beaver Centennial Public School. The black-haired girl read another book about a girl vampire. I asked her why she likes girl vampires so much and she said, “Vampires drain and devour men's souls, one by one, just like I do." That was scary. The redheaded girl read a poem about a haunted house. I said, “Have you ever been in a haunted house?” She said, “Only in my mind.” I’m glad you’re not like these girls, April. They are freaky.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 10:27 PM,
Anonymous said…
durin’ the break n the jammin’ eva came ovah 2 me & sed, “rub my shoulderz, jeremy. this iz tuffer than i thot it wud b.” i wuz rubbin’ her shoulderz & she sed, “becky iz rilly good @this stuff. she’z 2 good. april haz sum issuez w/becky she needz 2 work out. she keeps comparin’ my voice to becky’z & then there wuz that lecture ‘bout how u hafta file the nailz on ur rite hand a certain way so they don't break. then she pulled out her emery board to show us. then she made a big deal out rubbin’ oil or vaseline n2 her fingahs, so u can pick the strings fast & hard. then gerald got xxcited cuz april sed ‘fast & hard’ & he wunted april 2 give the nail lecture again.” i sed, “thass how thingz r w/this group sumtymez.” then eva sed, “duncan duzn’t like it wen i smirk @u. but then he starts talkin’ ‘bout zandra b-ing so wunnerful 4 pickin’ up trash & readin’ to children. i don’t think he knowz wut he wunts.” i sed, “do u know wut u wunt?” eva just smirked a knowin’ smirk @me. i think thass all the answer i am gonna get.
At 11:15 PM,
Anonymous said…
rebeccah, u think eva & duncan r uzin’ me & zandra? i dunno, rebeccah. they don’t seem the types 2 do that. but now u mention meg ryan, she duz kinda smirk like eva duz. & she hazn't made a good movie n yearz. i am rilly confuzed & that slappin’ motion ur makin’ wenevah eva iz smirkin’ & she’z not lookin’ @u iz makin’ me nervous.
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