Eva's Violent Side
Sorry 2 hafta say this, peeps, but Eva an' I continued our talk abt cell phonez this past Sat as we were getting cans of pop from the fridge. I was all, "Eva...are U saying that a cell phone is like a gun?" Eva was, like, "Totally. U can wear 'em on yr hip in a holster, U load 'em w/a battery an' yr personal stats, they're alwayz ready 4 action..." Then she held her can up 2 her ear like a phone, all, "An' guyz strut around w/them, makin 'super important callz' in public places--w/an attitude that sez, ...'The world is my personal space, baby!'" And I was, like, "@ least they're not dangerous." And Eva went, "I dunno, man. ...I've wanted 2 punch a few guyz out." Which is kinda weird, cuz it soundz like Eva's the one who is dangerous, eh? And it's kinda weird that Eva sez all this stuff abt guyz an' cell phonez, when it's like I C girlz using they're phonez like 1000x more than guyz do, like constantly being on the phone. And Eva of all ppl--remember she went thru that phase where she was alwayz on the phone w/the wanna-B A-girlz? An I dunno what gunz she's thinkin' abt that need a battery an' where U can store yr personal stats. Also, I'm thinking she'z got sum issues w/guyz. Like mayB a subscription's worth.
Apes
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:53 AM
18 Comments:
At 9:19 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings talking about guns and cell phones with your friend Eva. I would like to remind you that unlike cell phones, guns are required to be registered under the 1995 Firearms Act and as a member of the Ontario Provincial Police, I am reluctantly required to enforce this law. The First Nations peoples of Canada have three constitutional challenges against the Firearms Act before the courts. Because the government ran out of money to properly process the registration, the only people who really feel the effect of the Firearms Act are non-Canadians visiting Canada with firearms for hunting, or competition. This is because Canadian Customs will require either a Non-Resident Firearms Declaration or a registration certificate for all firearms being brought into Canada. It has had a bad effect on my people whose economy depends a lot on funds brought in by visiting American hunters. You may remember your sister has to abandon her apartment in the summer, so Gary Crane can use the apartment during the tourist months in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees).
Sorry to write so much about this. Guns and gun registration are a sore spot with me and with my people. I hope that the men you and your friend Eva know are not actually strutting around with guns up to their ears and declaring the world is their personal space. That behaviour would not be tolerated by a member of the Ontario Provincial Police.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 9:29 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i wish i had known ‘bout this convo w/eva b4 2day. i had a gr8 tyme studyin’ w/eva last nite. then this mornin’ i wuz walkin’ her 2 skool (which iz a kinda bf thing 2 i know), & my mom called me on my cell 2 remind me ‘bout sum thingz & wen i put it down, eva wuz walkin’ away frum me fast & rilly mad. i caught up 2 her & i asked her wut wuz wrong, & she sed, “the world iz not ur personal space, baby!” i had no idea wut she wuz talkin’ ‘bout till i read ur blog entry. now it makes sense. well, actually, it duzn’t make sense. duz it mean a guy can’t take a cell fone call ‘round eva w/o gettin’ her mad? & like u sed, y don’t girlz count? i dunno. i’m gonna try 2 apologize 2 eva again 2day, but i dunno how i can b ‘round her & not answer my cell.
At 9:39 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I read your Blog entry today and I must say, “Good job, little sis.” I think you have the makings of a good editor, the way you analyzed all the faults in your friend’s misguided analogy. If you decide to go on a different career path from veterinary school, your big brother can set you up with some great editing jobs. You have the right stuff for the job. I can tell already.
Also, just as a friendly warning, the things your friend said about wanting to punch a few guys out, is remarkably similar to things I remember Brad Luggsworth saying when I was in school with him. Since your friend is a girl, I am sure she is actually completely passive and nonviolent, but to be on the safe side, you may want to keep an eye out for any unusual behaviour in your friend. An ounce of prevention is worth avoiding a pounding, I always say. That’s how I dodged those things mom throws at people when she gets upset. Fortunately she hasn’t done that around my kids yet. But I am sure my little sis has taken the occasional dish rag or bag of salad to the head, if you know what I mean.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:50 AM,
howard said…
April,
I have friends in the Milborough Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender Society who are fond of strap-ons and who are overly sensitive to things men do, like your friend Eva. I think I would have picked up on it yesterday, but I was distracted by all Eva’s cowboy slang-related comments. It may be that your friend is coming to terms with her sexuality. If she is, then I would like her to know that there is a whole community of people who can support her, and Milborough is one of the most accepting places for alternate lifestyles I know, so long as you dress conservatively in public. This may be presumptuous on my part, but since you seem to have Eva’s confidence, I am just letting you know so that if she says anything, I can pass it on to some friends I know who can help her understand more about who she is.
Howard K.
At 9:52 AM,
Anonymous said…
Eva,
Justin never uses a cell phone. If you are tired of boys who use cell phones, which is most of the boys at R.P. Boire, then you should come and listen to Justin read you a story. He is so dreamy, and he never stops the story to answer a call. Sometimes he stops when the computer crashes and has to be rebooted though.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 12:21 PM,
Anonymous said…
howard, i am pretty sure eva iz not a lesbian, if thass wut ur sayin'. we hadda meetin' n the janitor'z closet that wud say diffrent, aftah i promised i wud nevah again answer cell fone calls wen i wuz 'round her.
At 12:37 PM,
howard said…
Jeremy,
I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings to you, but your "meeting" is meaningless. Carol Willick and Susan Bunch, two friends of mine did not realize they were lesbians until quite late in life. Carol was actually married and pregnant before she figured it out. So, whatever went on in your “meeting” may not mean anything. All I can say is that it looks like a good idea not to be a man and use cell phones around Eva. Over and above that, you should support her in whatever she decides. As April so succinctly put it in her Blog entry today, it looks Eva has a whole subscription of issues with men.
Howard K.
At 4:21 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest April flower and other friendly-type flowers,
I must admit, I am having second thoughts about the inclusion of Eva in our newly reformed band.
Eva and I both missed the bus home today, as you probably noticed. Eva missed it because of detention for hitting Taylor Morgan's cell phone. I missed it because I got my shirt caught in the padlock on my locker, and it took the janitor 45 minutes to remove it without damaging my new shirt, which would have seriously upset Mater.
Anyway, Eva and I ran into each other and we decided to walk home together. On the way, my phone rang. It was Mater, wondering where I was. I went to answer the phone, but Eva shouted, "No way, cowboy! Your gun isn't gonna invade my personal space!" Then she grabbed my cell phone away from me, threw it down on the pavement, and stomped on it until it shattered into tiny smithereens.
I stood there staring at Eva in shock, but she began to strut away in a most peculiar manner. Her pelvis was oddly thrust out, and she was holding the graphing calculator we use for geometry to her ear. She was saying, "Look at me! I'm a guy! I am super-important because I am making a call in a public place! My attitude says, 'The world is my personal space, baby!'"
Then Eva turned around and pointed her calculator at me. She said, "You better look out, boy! I've been known to want to punch guys out. And I've got a gun." She pointed at the calculator.
I said, "Eva, that's a calculator."
And she said, "Well, it's just like a gun. Math geeks wear them in a holster. They're loaded with a battery and trigonometric functions, and they're always ready for action. And those math geeks strut around with them, doing 'super-important' calculations in public places like math class or study hall, with an attitude that says, 'The world is my personal space, baby!'"
And I said, "But Eva, a calculator isn't dangerous."
And Eva said, "Oh yeah? Watch this!" And she threw the calculator at me.
It hit me in the head. I fell down in the McGillicuddy's yard, clutching my head and yelling, "Ow, Eva, that hurt!"
Eva yelled, "Be glad I didn't punch you out, man!" and ran off.
I went home and told my dad about Eva. He thinks she probably needs some professional counseling, and maybe some medication. He is going to call Eva's parents tonight. I hope she gets better before we play the prom. I am afraid she will think that we are trying to be super-important when we play our instruments.
Sincerely, Gerald
At 7:05 PM,
April Patterson said…
ger, omg, r u ok?
mike, wow, that's a v. nice thing u wrote. i didn't xpect that. yeah, u r rite abt mom throwin' stuff @ my head. @ least i have good ducking reflexes from that, i guess.
paul, i didn't know that abt hunterz fr. the st8s & 1st nations ppl up north.
howard, afaik, eva is attracted 2 boyz. but obvs she'z got the issuez i mentioned in my entry this morning.
did u hear what pierce inverarity did? he downloaded a ringtone that goes "blam blam blam"!
apes
At 7:07 PM,
Anonymous said…
Man, I am sorry I've been acting so strangely. I wonder if it's like some delayed after-effect from being erased and then unerased?
Dr. Forsythe talked to my 'rents and now I hafta have an appt w/Dr. F. next week, on Tuesday afternoon.
Eva
At 7:10 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest April flower,
Yes, I am fine. Mater applied a cold pack to the bruise on my head. I have quite a goose egg. That calculator was quite heavy.
Not incidentally, I picked Eva's calculator up out of the grass for her, but I am afraid to get near enough to her to return it. Would you give it to her, my little lemondrop? You had a whole conversation with her the other day, and did not get hit with anything.
Dad says Eva probably has a schizophreniform disorder. He says not to worry, and that at least 2/3 of people with a schizophreniform disorder can be greatly improved with proper medication. He also says we are lucky to have Eva in our band, because many of the greatest artists in history, such as Vincent Van Gogh, were completely crazy.
Devotedly, Gerald
At 7:21 PM,
April Patterson said…
ger, sure, i'll return the calculator 2 eva 4 u!
i hope eva'z gonna b ok, eh?
apes
At 8:39 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i went 2 eva’z place 2nite 2 study. wen i got there, her mom sed, “eva’z not here. she hadda a bad day @skool, so she went 2 play sum tennis.” i sed, “w/ne1? tennis iz like a 2-peep game.” eva’z mom sed, “she usually goez 2 the courts @the park & findz a pick-up game, wen she’z not playin’ on the skool team.” wen i gotta the park, a guy wuz leavin’ the tennis courts & sed, “wutevah u do, man. don’t open up a cell fone. the chick’s gone crayzee.” i told him i wudn’t do that. i got 2 the tennis court & walked ovah 2 eva & sed, “do u wanna talk ‘bout it?” eva sed, “talk. talk. talk. thass all u guyz wanna do. u wanna play tennis?” i sed, “ok.” & we started playin’. i know u guyz prolly don’t think i am ne good @tennis, but i did pick up a few thingz wen my dad wuz d8ng that pro tennis girl & she wunted sum1 2 play wen dad wuz sleepin’ off hiz l8 nite performance. that relationship didn’t last. never mix pro sports & pro musick. neway, i’m not v. good, but i’m good enuff so i cud give eva a little bit of a game.
eva didn’t say much xxcept, “love, 15, 30, 40, deuce & advantage” 4 awhile. then between sets she sed, “u know, jeremy. boyz r like tennis rackets.” i sed, “y is that?” eva sed, “their big heads r the biggest part of them. they r high strung. they can sumtymez b-come unbalanced. if they’re not careful, they can lose their grip. sumtymez the best guyz r guyz who r rilly stiff. howevah, old-fashioned guyz can b rilly wooden, but youngah guyz r made of strongah & more durable stuff.” i sed, “thass a pretty good analogy.” eva sed, “thanx. uc. i can do a good analogy. ur serve.” we played anothah set & eva didn’t talk much. between sets she sed, “good set, jeremy. u almost had me there.” i sed, “thanx. ur serve.” we finished 2 sets & eva won them both. i sed, “game, set, match.” eva sed, “2 sets iz 4 girlz. ru man enuff 2 play anothah?” i sed i wuz & we played anothah, which eva won again. i sed, “do u wanna go 2 horny tim’s 2 celebr8 ur victory?” eva sed, “i don’t wanna b around peeps rite now, jeremy.” i sed, “i heard wut happed w/taylor & rebeccah & gerald @skool.” eva sed, “dr. forsythe talked 2 my 'rents & i have an appt w/dr. f. next week, on tuesday afternoon.” i sed, “dr. forsythe? i’m sorry, eva. that guy iz whacked.” eva sed, “so i’ve heard.”
then eva sed, “u know jeremy. 2day wuz a bad day. it’s just been a bad week. howard thinks i mite b gay, becky thinks i am krayzee, & gerald iz scared of me.” i sed, “compared 2 thoze peeps, ur life iz pretty normal. i cud tell u storiez ‘bout the freaky thingz thoze peeps have done. so, u got a thing ‘bout guyz & cell fonez. thass not so bad.” eva sed, “i dunno wut’s wrong w/me. wen i 1st gotta mboro & met april n the history class, i wuz mainly innerested n peep’s hair clips & shoez & i didn’t wanna commit 2 nething. i sat w/april & duncan & gerald @lunch, my skin felt a little darker n colour than it duz now, & got this feelin’ that april wuz n cahoots w/duncan 2 connect w/me. then thingz changed. i think it started wen i wuz erased & unerased, just b4 april’z b-day party. i started this smirkin’ thing & it wuz like i had nevah evn met duncan or gerald b4 wen i showed up @their band practice. &this week iz the worst. it’s like i am developin’ a whole new kinda cowboy personality, only it’s a whacked out, crayzee cowboy who duzn’t know nething ‘bout boyz, or carz, or cell fonez. do u know wut iz like 2 feel like ur completely outa control?” i sed, “yes.”
eva sed, “u seem 2 have it all 2gethah.” i sed, “eva, ur talkin’ to a guy, who just last year looked like a 13-year-old & this year looks like a 40-year-old. thass not havin’ it all 2gethah. mboro iz a strange place sumtymez & u just hafta roll w/wutevah happs.” eva sed, “thanx. i needed 2 hear that. do u think taylor & becky & gerald will 4give me?” i sed, “gerald will do wutevah april tells him 2 do. i dunno ‘bout rebeccah. wen ur ‘round her i have this weird feelin’ like u2 r meant 2b xxactly opposites of each othah.” eva sed, “i have that feelin’ 2 sumtymez. i dunno y that iz. we both like music & singin’. u wud think we wud b rilly good friendz.” i sed, “sumtymez it’s that way n mboro. peeps who seem opposite r bff & peeps who seem the same r like enemiez. like gerald & april. gerald iz n2 sports & april iz definitely not n2 sports, but they’re bf / gf neway.” eva sed, “thass rite. i nevah thot of that.” then i walked her back 2 her house & she sed she wuz gonna post sum apology on ur blog.
At 9:05 PM,
howard said…
April,
Being attracted to boys is not necessarily an indication of orientation, as I know full well. That is something that Eva will have to determine for herself. For some people it is more difficult to figure out than others.
I am at the Valhalla getting ready for my evening show. Arne the magician went up to Thorvald and told him some story about a Jack Larson who worked on the Superman TV series who died. Becky had told Thorvald that Arne was just trying to get out of work and that his relatives were not actually dying with funerals every Thursday. So, Arne said to Thorvald, “You caught me. The truth is that I have been attending a Creative Non-fiction writing class at the Milborough College of Arts, Technology, and Tractor-Pulling so I can meet women…who have major connections in Milborough that can help your business.” Thorvald said, “Like whom?” Arne said, “Mae Thomas.” Thorvald said, “I don’t know her.” Arne said, “Connie Poirier.” Thorvald said, “No good business connections there.” Arne said, “Perdita Davis.” Thorvald said, “Goats. There’s some possibility there if the shark meat runs out.” Arne said, “Melanie Forsythe.” Thorvald said, “Dr. Forsythe’s wife. She has influence.” Arne said, “Elly Patterson.” Thorvald said, “You should have mentioned her first and you would saved me all the trouble of listening to these other names. All right, Arne. You can have every Thursday off, and be sure to report to me your progress.” Arne said, “You want video tape?” Thorvald said, “No. Unless you get some good footage.”
I have to get makeup on now. TTYL.
Howard K.
At 9:12 PM,
Anonymous said…
Wow, I guess I'm really somebody now! A crazy somebody, maybe, but a somebody!
Eva
At 9:25 PM,
Anonymous said…
eva, congrats on gettin' recognized on april'z mom'z website. i noticed april'z mom iz still callin' the group 4-evah. i guess she duzn't know ur gonna change the name.
At 9:26 PM,
howard said…
April,
Things are a little crazy. Thorvald has 3 ladies, Cornelia, Eulalie and Henrietta Huggins putting makeup on me in preparation for my show at the Valhalla. It was some sort of perk for Henrietta being an ex-girlfriend of Thorvald and a steady customer at the Valhalla. I don’t normally mind help putting on makeup, but these ladies do not seem to be able to figure out that I need makeup all over my body and not just on one part of my body.
Howard K.
At 9:38 PM,
Anonymous said…
Eva,
I like the name Abuya. It’s like on the TV show Kim Possible when Ron Stoppable says, “Boo-Yah” when he’s happy.
Being on Mrs. Patterson’s website is not good. She has pages and pages of stuff about me on there. She has pictures of almost every time I did anything with April in there. It’s like she has met me, when she hasn’t. I don’t like to look there. It makes me feel like April’s mom is stalking me.
I think Jeremy Jones’ one picture of him on April’s mom’s website is best. Maybe you will only have one picture, like Jeremy. You don’t want pages and pages.
Love,
Shannon Lake
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