I guess I'm not such an animal whisperer, eh?
I just finished washing thoze nasty dogz. I thot this wd B a nice day 4 Buttsy 2 get sum air, so I brot her 2 her outside hutch. (4 a sec there, I cdn't C, like I didn't have NE eyez!) I'd left the door open, & when I was going back in, Edgar an' Dixie came bounding out. 4 sum reason, this, like, surprised me, even tho this is what they alwayz do when they have the chance 2 get out. They R DOGZ an' all. What was more strange was that once they were out, they actually appeared 2 high-5 ea other. This is like much less usual behaviour 4 dogz. Then they totally rolled around in the dirt, dug up the ground, an' then ran in circlez. Then when they saw me prepping the doggie bath, they actually sed "UH?!!" How weird. Well, I washed Dixie 1st, cuz Edgar likez 2 watch her get a bath an' do that weird thing our pets do, where they actually seem 2 B xperiencing animal schadenfreude, where if I wash Edgar 1st, Dixie runz away. NEway, during Eddie'z bath, as Dix was shaking out her fur, I noticed that I musta left the door 2 Buttsy's hut open, cuz she 'd wandered out & she seemed 2 B laffin' @ Eddie. Who looked v. v. sullen. Sum petcarer I am! Y'd I leave the hutch unlatched? MayB I oughta reconsider vet school. I don't know if I can B trusted 2 provide hi-quality care 2 peeps' pets an' livestock. Oh, an' while I was bathing Eddie, I was thinking "U party...U pay." And I swear I almost had a mom-like feeling of smugness. Almost.
And what's w/Buttsy's earz, NEway? She'z supposed 2 B a bunny, yet her earz grow low down out of the sidez of her head like a dog. And they R nearly alwayz down, instead of the normal position of "up". It's like sumbody who'z totally a dog person designed her w/out caring much abt doing research.
NEway, guess what? decided 2 try sumthin' a bit diff w/my hair, a French braid. I didn't really know what I was doing, so it came out more like a big, fat cornrow down the back of my head instead of like a normal French braid--like it's an "outtie" instead of an "innie". Like, if U look @ this braid page, I guess mine's more like the "square 4-strand braid". But guess what? It doesn't seem 2 B going back in2 the bun on its own 2day, so I guess the force controlling my hair must approve of one braid in the back as an option, eh?
Apes
And what's w/Buttsy's earz, NEway? She'z supposed 2 B a bunny, yet her earz grow low down out of the sidez of her head like a dog. And they R nearly alwayz down, instead of the normal position of "up". It's like sumbody who'z totally a dog person designed her w/out caring much abt doing research.
NEway, guess what? decided 2 try sumthin' a bit diff w/my hair, a French braid. I didn't really know what I was doing, so it came out more like a big, fat cornrow down the back of my head instead of like a normal French braid--like it's an "outtie" instead of an "innie". Like, if U look @ this braid page, I guess mine's more like the "square 4-strand braid". But guess what? It doesn't seem 2 B going back in2 the bun on its own 2day, so I guess the force controlling my hair must approve of one braid in the back as an option, eh?
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:30 AM
31 Comments:
At 9:38 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your animoshish (dogs) and your waaboozoo (rabbit). Your way of dealing with your pets is very different from what your sister does. When she takes Shiimsa outside, she puts a harness on her. Shiimsa doesn't mind being out on her harness in the grass, even though your sister tells me Shiimsa finds a harness beneath her dignity. If someone comes along, Shiimsa either hides behind my sweet girl or will crawl under a bush or a blanket if available. Your sister says it because Shiimsa is embarrassed to be seen in a harness, because she is such a proud creature. I think it is because she knows the people who come by your sister’s apartment are usually Jesse Mukwa or his little friend Ellen, and they always want to pick up Shiimsa and play with her.
I am celebrating Victoria Day weekend with your sister in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). It is very different doing this. In past years of working in the Ontario Provincial Police, Victoria Day weekend was a weekend where police officers did not get to take off from work. But since I have been dating your sister, I have been getting weekends off. I don’t understand it, and neither does my partner, who has to work this weekend. She has been getting a little jealous of me, since I started dating your sister. I think I will be ready to go, when that transfer to Spruce Narrows goes through.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 9:42 AM,
howard said…
April,
You think you have problems with dog-washing and keeping animals under control, let me tell you. We have three dogs here at Becky’s house, Zeus, Apollo and the giant dog Freyfaxi. Thorvald McGuire (Becky’s dad) is obsessive about Freyfaxi being clean. He says, “According to Hrafnkels saga, Hrafnkell swears that he will kill anyone who rides his horse Freyfaxi without permission. Einarr, a shepherd of Hrafnkell's, needs to ride to perform his duties, but every horse he approaches runs away from him except Freyfaxi. He then takes Freyfaxi and rides him for the day. But after the horse has been ridden it runs home and starts neighing. On seeing his horse dirty and wet with sweat, Hrafnkell realises what has happened. He rides out with his axe and reluctantly kills Einarr to fulfill his oath. So, Freyfaxi must be clean, or I will have to bring out my axe.” This is all fine and dandy, except Thorvald never bathes him. So, guess who gets to do it? If you guessed me, then you’re right.
Freyfaxi hates baths and he is so big, you can’t spray with a garden hose over the top of him and get all his dirty spots. So, what I have to do is throw a couple of steaks into the pool, and Freyfaxi jumps in after them. Then once he is in the pool, I jump on top of him and give him a bath. If I shift my weight, I can cause Freyfaxi to roll over and rinse all sides of him. Once he gets out of the pool, he shakes off and is relatively clean for Thorvald’s visit. Lucky for me, Thorvald doesn’t visit all that often. Apollo and Zeus usually jump in the pool after the steaks too, but Freyfaxi takes his paws and holds them under water until he has finished the steaks, which takes about 3 seconds. This upsets Apollo and Zeus, but it does have the added benefit of rinsing them too. I usually have to put Apollo and Zeus in a separate hutch to feed them, so they can eat without Freyfaxi gobbling up their food. So, you see, there is always someone who has it worse than you do.
Howard K.
At 9:54 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i am so glad i don’t have any pets. havin’ 2 bathe ur dogs every tyme u let them out, wud b a big pita. & havin’ 2 look @ur freaky rabbit wud bug me 2. mebbe she haz shocked herself so many tymez, the muscles that hold up her ears don’t work nemore. or mebbe she iz doin’ an imitation of ur dogs, since thass who she’z ‘round all the tyme. i dunno. eva called up my house & asked if my fam wud do victoria’z day stuff w/her. she sed, “duncan & his fam have gone sum place, so i can’t ask them.” i didn’t know wut 2 say ‘bout xxcept i can say 2u that the longer duncan iz not innerested n eva, the bettah off i am.
also, ‘bout that eyeless thing. wut do u do 2 get it 2 turn off? sumtymez it happs 2 me & i have a rilly hard tyme not freakin’ out. i tell myself i know it’s gonna go away, but then sumtymez it seems like it takes 4evah. ne advice u have wud b appreciated, cuz it happs 2 me a lot.
also, i am v.v. xxcited u got ur hair changed 2 a french braid, evn if it’s got problemz. mebbe this meanz that u will b allowed 2 get a hairstyle change. i think ne kinda hairstyle, where u don’t have ur hair up all the tyme, wud b a big mprovement cuz u look totally hott w/ur hair down, u know. i mean hott az n u look good & not hott az n i wish i wuz d8in’ u nstead of gerald, u know.
At 9:58 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I can do a French braid. Justin read me a book on how to do it. I love it when Justin tells me how to do things. It’s just like having a real bossy boyfriend, only he’s bossy about something I want him to be bossy about and not the things that boys are usually bossy about. I can fix your French braid if you want. Justin will tell me how to do it. Let me know, if you’re interested.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 10:08 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I am not sure why you are spending your time with the dogs and the rabbit instead of the rest of the family at the Victoria Day celebration in downtown Milborough. Mom says you get surly during holiday celebrations and sometimes disappear when your niece and nephew arrive. Come to think of it, I don’t remember seeing you at all last Mother’s Day.
If you are done washing the animals, come and join the rest of us. No one is still mad about your little “pass-over” tirade yesterday. If you want some good schadenfreude about the matter, I think you would be amused at the number of people who have spotted dad and said, “Hoot!” to him. He just says, “Pass-over” in response. Even mom thinks it’s funny.
Also Deanna has promised not to say one word about how bowl-cuts are better than lopsided French braids and that you are only taking up a French braid so you will look different from my daughter with her new pony-tail style. Come and join us. It won't be the same without my little sis.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 10:37 AM,
April Patterson said…
mike, i wasn't being surly, i m @ the parade, just on the opp side of the street fr. u, w/ger. when u read this, look across an' wave, eh?
jeremy, i wish i knew sumthing 2 do abt the no-eyez thing, but i just hafta w8 it out same as u. it's v. v. freakee when that happs. i hope yr theory abt my hair is rite, that mayB i'll b able 2 have diff hairstylez. i m so sick of that prop bun.
shan, i'll take ne help i can get w/my hair, but let's do it another day. 4 sum reason, ger sez my lopsided inside-out french braid turnz him on!
howard, wow, i m sorry u've got so much trub 2 deal w/the dogz @ becks's house. that does sound bad!
paul, hope u & liz have a gr8 vic-day weekend!
apes
At 11:43 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis! I see you now. I'm waving and my kids are waving and Deanna is waving. Tell your boyfriend pointing at dad and saying, "Hoot!" is not making him happy and inappropriate considering he was in the car with dad. That's what mom says, anyway. Mom also says she sees your boyfriend's mom behind you and she doesn't want to wave. Something about how she does want her arms to flap. Your boyfriend's mom is very skinny, but I do like the Victorian style outfit. Mom says that is how she normally dresses, but I doubt that is really true. Mom can be quite funny sometimes.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 11:45 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
You wrote back to me! I am so excited! This is the best Victoria's Day ever! I wish I could go to the parade like you, but mom says I would just get lost.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 2:21 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, that's just how mrs. forsythe dresses all the time.
shan, sorry yr mom wdn't let u go 2 the parade.
apes
At 3:40 PM,
Anonymous said…
I'd always assumed your rabbit was a lop eared bunny, sort of like this one:
http://neophytte.mine.nu/photo/2005-08-03-rabbit/images/rabbit_089.jpg
At 3:50 PM,
April Patterson said…
u r prolly rite, anon, tho i think buttsy looks more doggish than the bunny in the pic!
apes
At 5:20 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
You wrote back to me 2 times in one day! That ties your previous record. I am so excited. I think I love Victoria's Day now.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 5:26 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Mom wants you home for her Victoria's Day casserole, which she says contains all of Queen Victoria's favourite foods in one dish. She says Gerald is invited too, because she knows his mother won't feed him anything healthy and nutricious or royal. Then we'll go back out for the fireworks. Your niece wants to spend some time with you. She says she doesn't care if grandpop and your boyfriend are friendly together, which was one of the many things she overheard today.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 5:41 PM,
howard said…
April,
Thorvald stopped by this afternoon and we had an interesting conversation. He said, “Hoskuld. I have an idea for a change in your act.” I said, “The name is Howard and what change are you thinking about? I don’t think I can get any more naked.” Thorvald said, “I have in mind a new opera called The Dentist and the Teenagers.” I said, “Please tell me this isn’t really what you are thinking about.” Thorvald said, “The old people will like it because they can boo and throw food at the dentist for being involved with teenagers. The gays will like it because they can boo and throw food at the teenagers for blowing an opportunity to settle down with a dentist.” I said, “Aren’t you worried about libel charges?” Thorvald said, “Would mighty Thor worry about libel charges, when he was telling the truth?” I said, “You’re changing the names aren’t you?” Thorvald said, “Yes. Hoskuld.” I said, “Howard.” Thorvald said, “I have written up lyrics for you.” I said, “What about the music?” Thorvald said, “I thought you could do that. You should be fast though, because I want to open this new show right after Victoria Day.” I read some of the lyrics and said, “Dentist: You have a big strong bicuspid./Would you share my love bed?/ Teenager: You look so good you’re turbo-charged,/That’s why you’re down low and large./” I said, “You have got to be kidding.” Thorvald said, “Are you saying you are not musician enough to do it, Hoskuld?” I said, “That’s Howard. I can put together some piece of junk that matches the worth of these lyrics easily.” Thorvald said, “That’s good, Hoskuld. I know the new show will be great.” So, I play the dentist and Orque and Basher, dressed in school uniforms, play the teenagers. I think this is how I am going to be spending the rest of the holiday. How do I get mixed up in these things?
Howard K.
At 6:13 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i have been havin’ a pretty good tyme w/eva & her fam w/my fam 2day. the only bad parts r wen we run n2 rebeccah & her new bf, taylor morgan. rebeccah alwayz hazta say sumthin’ ‘bout how she thinks eva iz uzin’ me 2 get 2 duncan. i told her duncan wuz outa town w/zandra larson, & rebeccah didn’t like hearin’ that. neway, rebeccah seems pretty happ w/taylor tho. i sed, “duzn’t he care ‘bout u b-ing ngaged 2 howard & stuff?” rebeccah sez, “he’z a teenage boy. they’ll go on joyridez w/old dentists, if they think it iz cube & there iz no girl cuber than i am n mboro theze dayz.” i can rilly tell thass true. so many peeps have seen rebeccah’s show @the valhalla, i don’t think there’z ne1 who duzn’t know who she iz. she haz a little crowd of peeps hangin’ ‘round her mosta the day @the mboro victoria’z day celebration. by the way, i saw u & gerald wen gerald’s mom wuz chasin’ u. something ‘bout how ice cream iz not on gerald’s diet. i dunno. the french braid looked good wen u were runnin’. v.v. athletic, hilary swank kinda look. u shud definitely keep them. they are a lot bettah than ur usual bun.
At 6:46 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, that casserole was so gross. ger sed he liked it tho. i guess he was v. v. hungry.
jeremy, did u c how fast ger 8 that ice cream when mrs. f was chasin' us? he ended up w/such a bad ice-cream headache he nearly fell over!
thanx 4 sayin' thoze nice thingz abt my hair. i'll try 2 do the braiding more often.
shan, it's no big, really!
howard, omg, that soundz awful!!!
apes
At 7:16 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I can't believe it!!! You wrote me back 3 times!!! This is the best day of my life!!! I think you are the best, most kind and nicest girl in all of Milborough. Maybe even Ontario, but I haven't checked all the girls in Ontario, so it might not be a fair comparison. But you are sure to be one of the best. 3 times!!! Wow!!! That's a new record!!!
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 7:20 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, yeah, i saw the fast ice cream eatin' by gerald. i wudn't say he nearly fell ovah. he fell ovah i think kinda on purpose wen he saw he cud land on u & feel sum of ur body. hiz mom wuz so mad. she turned an innerestin' shade of red, like how u wud if u didn't have enuff blood n u or sumthin'. it wuz kinda scary lookin'. i think thass wen eva tol' me she needed 2 eat sumthin', so i didn't get 2c how it ended.
At 7:30 PM,
howard said…
April,
It is awful. Get this line Thorvald wrote:
Teenager: As you’re looking at my molar/I see eyes shiny and solar/
Dentist: Oh my heart you’ve stole-ar/Don’t be so cold you’re polar/
It's hard to write a melodic line over lyrics that make you want to lose your lunch.
Howard K.
At 7:30 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, rite b4 ger fell on me, i'd seen mike's message abt the victoria casserole, an' i told ger. so when mrs. f. was all turning red, ger got up an' sed, "mater, i am going to be joining the pattersons 4 their victoria's day repast." & she was all, "like heck u r, gerald millicent delaney-forsythe!" but he runz much faster than her, esp. since she was wearing 4-inch heel manolo blahnik stilettoz & also fasting on oil-soaked cotton ballz again (so no nrgy).
so we ran 2 my house, leaving mrs. f. gasping 4 breath a block behind us, & ger gorged himself on mom's food!
apes
At 7:31 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, howard. ew, ew, ew!
apes
At 7:33 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Ouch! I don't think I have ever seen mom take a frying pan to a visitor before. To be honest, I don't think your boyfriend should have given dad that long a hug, and he probably should have stopped when mom said, "Hmpph!" for the 5th time.
On a happy note, my son loves your French braid. If you unravel it, you should check for stickers.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 7:44 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, i really don't know what's up w/dad an' ger!
apes
At 7:48 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, good 2 know gerald can outrun hiz mom. thass a handy skill 2 have. my mom, she duzn't run. she knowz i hafta come back home eventually & the worse i am, the bigger the fryin' pan. mom seemz 2 like eva a lot, so i rilly hope rebeccah iz wrong. it's kinda nice spendin' tyme w/a girl my mom sez izn't nuts. 'course mom alwayz sez ur the best choice. she'z liked u evah since u came 2 visit me n hospital. but, i think mom haz figgered out thass nevah gonna happ, so don't worry 'bout it, if u evn were, which i doubt.
At 7:58 PM,
Anonymous said…
Howard called me up and asked me to help him with the music for BDT's terrible lyrics. I am on my way over now.
Marjee
At 9:02 PM,
howard said…
April,
Marjee has given me a number of good suggestions about what to do with the lyrics. Her idea of not doing the music exclusively opera-style is working out. For example, we have written a little swing tune to this lyric:
Dentist’s Lament
I like to speak the truth
Of my love for a tooth.
In the days of my youth,
When I was so uncouth,
I used to work a ticket booth
While drinking Italian vermouth,
Thinking that I could sleuth,
In the bloom of my youth,
The gospel truth of a tooth.
Chorus:
Tooth boy, I was just a tooth boy,
Youth boy, I was just a youth, boy.
Uncouth boy, I was so uncouth,
I ate a Baby Ruth,
Which was awful for my tooth.
Thank God I wasn’t in Duluth.
At 9:48 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Well, I think mom apologized pretty well for the frying pan attack on your boyfriend, after dad and he explained that their extended hug and the amourous sounds emanating from within the hug could be explained by their buttons getting locked around each other and their attempts to extricate themselves. It was quite embarrassing for mom, but I thought you did a good job of carrying yourself over the way the situation appeared. After all, little sis, you weren’t going after a frying pan, but that cute little sauté pan. I don’t think it would have done the damage that the frying pan did. I am sure you consider it fortunate that just at the point when you were about to strike, my son decided that your French braid would make an excellent climbing rope. So, after mom swung the frying pan which caused dad and your boyfriend to fall over so everyone could see their buttons were entangled, you did not have to share in mom’s guilt. My daughter’s exclamation, “Grandma Elly gives ‘clang’ and not gift,” I thought was a very excellent observation and a clear indication that she will be following in her dad’s writer shoes. Those are the nice black loafers, I wear when I write.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:56 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
Your sister and I and Shiimsa watched the Victoria Day fireworks shot over the lake near Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). Shiimsa’s outdoor harness is good for keeping claws off me. Shiimsa has spent most of the evening in the arms of Jesse Mukwa and his little girlfriend Ellen. I think Shiimsa would like to take out Jesse’s eye, but Jesse is far too smart for Shiimsa, particularly when she is in a harness. I watched the fireworks with my arms around your sister. I don’t think I have ever been in love with her more than tonight. The fireworks light up the sky, and they are almost as beautiful as your sister. She has said very romantic things to me tonight, like “When you’re with me, the people don’t call me coffee cake.” I am in love.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 10:00 PM,
howard said…
April,
Well Marjee wants to act out the dentist / teenager love scenes with me, to help me get a feel for the music that should go with the dialogue. She is so smart. Although I do wonder if the lyrics really do call for removing clothing. Oh well, it's art.
Howard K.
At 12:43 AM,
Zandra Larson said…
Duncan asked me to post that he's all right. He's sitting home with his mother listening to 96.3 FM and doesn't think it's wise to leave the room to go on the computer. He'll post tomorrow. Arne's left town for a few days. Interesting, Charles Wallace and I are getting along fairly well and are lighting sparklers and Burning Schoolhouses off in the backyard.
Zandra Larson
Mr. Kelpfroth, maybe you should get a legal opinion about whether Mr. McGuire's opera book will get you arrested for child pornography. Duncan's lawyer is really good, according to my parents.
At 1:55 AM,
howard said…
Ms. Zandra Larson,
I am so happy to hear that Duncan and you were not scarred for life by intrigues involving Arne the magician, whom I guess is related to you. I suppose since you are alive, that you are not one of his relatives that have been having funerals every Thursday night. I don’t think we have been formally introduced, and it seems odd to do so over this Blog.
In any case, thank you for the suggestion of seeking a legal opinion. I have made that a standard practice almost every time I have dealings with one Thorvald McGuire, notorious law-breaker and in fact, my lawyer is the same as Duncan Anderson’s. I had a few legal issues involving an assault last year, and Duncan recommended his lawyer to me. Duncan’s lawyer helped me immensely in keeping me out of jail. The lawyer said the legal definition of child pornography as applies to Mr. McGuire's opera book is (I’m quoting here):
any written material or visual representation that advocates or counsels sexual activity with a person under the age of eighteen years
Mr. McGuire’s opera book will be performed by characters who are not minors, and is extremely old-fashioned with respect to its view as to what happens between the dentist and the teenagers, in order to appeal to its intended older person audience. The dentist gets caught in a minor traffic violation with the teenagers in the car, is publicly humiliated by a hooting crowd of passing motorists and realizes the error of his ways before anything happens other than a few very awful, slightly suggestive, but not explicit love songs. I am afraid I do not have a legal recourse. But on the other hand, the tunes Marjee and I have been writing are kind of catchy. May be it will be awful and not horrifically awful.
Thanks,
Howard K.
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