Dad needs 2 grow UP!
D00dz, I M pretty sure that after I write 2morrow'z entry, I'll B dun tellin' U abt this past Saturday. @ least I hope so. An' U know Sunday'z gonna B a total non-sequitur (vocab word!) as usual.
But so NEway, Ger an' Dunc have only just started tellin' me the next bit that happed after they stopped @ the Burgers and Subs 2 fake-compliment the car w/thoze other guyz. Ger was in the front passenger'z seat (I don't wanna get Eva started by sayin' "riding shotgun"), and Dunc was in the back. They were still carrying on their whole pretending Dad'z car is cool. Dunc had asked Ger not 2 let on it was a joke cuz he was still hoping Dad wd write him a useful character-ref letter 4 the court appearance Dunc has this coming wk. Ger was all, "She'z a sweet set of wheels, Dr. P!" And Dad was, like, "Yep! She'z a beauty!" And this apparently encouraged Dad 2 xceed the speed limit (great xample 4 teen boyz, Dad!). Ger was all, "Whoa! U passed that transport like she was standin' still!!!" And Dunc sent, "Woo hoo! Power 2 the ppl man! We R freaking flying! We are...." An' they really were flying then, cuz they were totally hovering again. And so was the cop car that was alluvvasudden behind them, w/its siren goin'. Ger is pretty sure he saw a thot bub over Dad's head w/"fried!"
Mike, tho I M sure Dunc, like, appreciatez yr offer 2 write him a letter 4 the court, that doesn't mean Dunc needz U 2 write a courtroom drama. Just a character ref.
So, that's as far as Ger an' Dunc got tellin' me what happed, cuz the bell rang and lunch was over.
Apes
But so NEway, Ger an' Dunc have only just started tellin' me the next bit that happed after they stopped @ the Burgers and Subs 2 fake-compliment the car w/thoze other guyz. Ger was in the front passenger'z seat (I don't wanna get Eva started by sayin' "riding shotgun"), and Dunc was in the back. They were still carrying on their whole pretending Dad'z car is cool. Dunc had asked Ger not 2 let on it was a joke cuz he was still hoping Dad wd write him a useful character-ref letter 4 the court appearance Dunc has this coming wk. Ger was all, "She'z a sweet set of wheels, Dr. P!" And Dad was, like, "Yep! She'z a beauty!" And this apparently encouraged Dad 2 xceed the speed limit (great xample 4 teen boyz, Dad!). Ger was all, "Whoa! U passed that transport like she was standin' still!!!" And Dunc sent, "Woo hoo! Power 2 the ppl man! We R freaking flying! We are...." An' they really were flying then, cuz they were totally hovering again. And so was the cop car that was alluvvasudden behind them, w/its siren goin'. Ger is pretty sure he saw a thot bub over Dad's head w/"fried!"
Mike, tho I M sure Dunc, like, appreciatez yr offer 2 write him a letter 4 the court, that doesn't mean Dunc needz U 2 write a courtroom drama. Just a character ref.
So, that's as far as Ger an' Dunc got tellin' me what happed, cuz the bell rang and lunch was over.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:57 AM
15 Comments:
At 7:58 AM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes, I rilly dont like 2 think abt last Saturday cos it was rilly boring & rilly disturbing @ the same time. I dont remember what happened aft the police pulled us over I think I have post-traumatic stress disorder.
NEway, I fell asleep on the rec room couch w8ing 4 my dad 2 go 2 sleep. But he nevah went 2 sleep. I woke up when I heard his car. He left the house @ abt 4:00 am. I w8ed but he nevah came back. I guess he decided 2 go 2 work early. I bailed @ 6:00 am 4 an early brekkie @ Horny Ts.
L8r.
At 8:21 AM,
duncan anderson said…
p.s. Apes, I dont think that I said "power 2 the peeps." I think yr dad said that. I didnt rilly no what it ment.
Zeds here @ Horny Ts w/ me now. I asked her & she says power 2 the peeps were MC5 & Patti Smith songs. Zed says shell loan me the CDs. I dont no them time 4 me 2 expand my musical horizons again.
L8r.
At 8:24 AM,
duncan anderson said…
OMG, Apes. Zed just told me whats in the letter. Yr dad rote a reference 4 the model Duncan in my dads choo-choo set. I havent looked @ the choo-choos 4 a long time but I think model Duncans on a hill herding goats & waving @ the choo-choos.
L8r. Much l8r.
At 8:52 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your noos (father) showing off his new car to your friends and getting arrested for speeding. I am beginning to think that your noos (father) is not quite as responsible or charismatic as your ngashi (mother). Sometimes when you drive new and powerful vehicles, you do not realize how fast you are going until you check your speed. I would like to think this is what happened with your father. However, from your story, it sounds like your father was already aware he was going too fast, since he "passed a transport like it was standing still." Speeding with teenage boys in the car. That does not sound like the responsible and overprotective father, my sweet girl has told me about time and time again, who has the characteristics she is looking for in a man. I hope your father learned a lesson from all this.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 9:08 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Firstly, I am disappointed Duncan does not need a courtroom drama written. However, I could write him a character reference. It would be a good writing exercise to write about all the aspects of someone as uninteresting as your friend Duncan, and make him appear interesting. It is a pretty common writing form, and sometimes they sell well too. They are called biographies, a vocabulary word for you to look up.
Secondly, I cannot believe dad was pulled over by the police for speeding. I remember when Gordon and I just dented our car driving it in the driveway how angry he got and how grounded I got. Are you sure one of your friends didn’t slip dad something? After all, this is the same guy who last March, spent his vacation in Mexico building toy boats, and talking car trade-ins with Gordon back in Milborough. I called mom to see what her reaction was to what dad did, and I had to hold my phone back from ear. She was not happy. I am sure you heard plenty about how mom is an example for our behaviour and not dad; at least that’s what I heard over the phone at arm’s length. Little sis, if you need a good example for dad-like behaviour, you can come and visit us and watch me with my children. Trust me when I say, I do not go around driving a car too fast with teenage boys in the car.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:24 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i walked eva 2 skool yestahday & she seemed back 2 normal. no narratin’. no talkin’ ‘bout cowboyz or gunz. i accidentally answered my cell fone n fronta her & she didn’t knock it outa my handz & tell me nething ‘bout personal space. that therapy thing w/the censored girls gone wild video prescribed by gerald’s dad, dr. forsythe seemz 2 have worked. i nevah wouda guessed dr. forsythe cud do nethin’ rite. eva seemz back 2 normal, or @least back 2 the way she wuz b4 this week.
the only weird thing that happed wuz ur dad drove hiz crevasse rite b-side us & waved some kinda piece of paper n fronta eva & me & sed, “c this traffic ticket, jeremy. u know wut i wuz thinkin’ wen i got it?” i sed, “no. dr. p. wut were u thinkin’?” he sed, “i wuz thinkin’ how much the word ‘flying’ soundz like the word ‘fried’.” i sed, “u mean cuz they both have ‘f’ and the “ai” vowel sound?” dr. p sed, “no. jeremy. if u were frum japan & u tried to pronounce the word ‘fry’, how wud it come out?” i sed, “fly”? dr. p sed, “exactly. thoze wacky japanese can’t pronounce an ‘r’. isn’t that a clever thing 2 think of wen ur gettin’ a traffic ticket?” i sed, “it’s soundz v.v. clever, dr. p.” then ur dad sed, “i think so 2. wanna go 4 a ride, so i can think of sumthin’ else clever?” i sed, “no. dr. p. i rather not b n a speedin’ vehicle driven by a crayzee man.” dr. p sed, “ur loss.” & he drove away rilly fast. eva sed 2 me, “man. & they think i am crayzee.”
At 9:45 AM,
howard said…
April,
Your story today reminds me of the days of my youth, driving around with middle-aged men who told me they loved me when I all they really wanted to do was have a pretty young thing in their passengers seat as they violated speeding and emissions laws while yelling out 60s antiestablishment slogans. I can’t tell you how many times that happened when I was younger. Of course, those old guys never really loved me and once they finally stopped those vehicles they had different things on their mind than sticking it to the establishment. They did have plans to stick something somewhere though. Ah, to be underage and so naive again. But I have to look at the benefits of those situations. It made me realize that older, rugged-looking men were flabby and wrinkly underneath their fancy polo shirts, and did not have the stamina to finish what they had started, if they had to work their way around steering wheels and cramped car interiours. It also made me realize that I preferred to date men who were closer to my age. Not only were they prettier, but they were a little more sane.
Regardless of those reminiscences, I would have to say that I am sorry that you have to be embarrassed by your father’s behaviour in front of your friends. Believe me; my father embarrassed me enough times in front of my friends, that I know exactly how that feels. We are reconciled now, but it took awhile. Someday, when the anger subsides, you may be able to forgive your father too.
Howard K.
At 9:49 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
My mom says I should be nice to you because your dad has gone crazy. I told mom that I am nice to you anyway, because you are the nicest girl in school, not because of your dad. My mom said she was happy someone in your family wasn't crazy. I think mom likes to say the word crazy.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 6:07 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Oh, man, I nevah thot Id b so desperate that Id ask Michael Patterson 4 a reference but I am. Mike, if u post it here, Ill print it & take it 2 Court Tues. Pls mention that Im a rilly cube chess playah cos I think the judge wld be impressed by that the judge prolly nos how 2 play.
I was called 2 the principals office during 2nd period. My mom was there. She wanted 2 no if I new where my dad was. The Credit Union called her cos he didnt show 4 work 2day. I told her that Ive bn rilly pissed @ my dad but I wldnt put a contract out on him. She said she felt the same. I told her what time he left this am.
L8r. I think Id better sit w/ my mom & pretend I like 96.3 FM til my dad comes home.
At 8:06 PM,
Anonymous said…
Duncan,
Following is my reference for you. I hope it satisfies your needs. If it doesn't, let me know and I can add a few more adjectives or adverbs or just some fancy and impressive words.
Love,
Michael Patterson
Legal personas,
I, Michael Patterson, am writing this character reference for Duncan Anderson. First, let me inform you, the humble legal person type reader, of my outstanding credentials for writing this character reference. I graduated from The School of Journalism at The University of Western Ontario. I am at least at this moment, working as the Senior Editor at Portrait Magazine where I started as a lowly writer, but with talent necessary to prove myself further. Thanks to my talent, Portrait Magazine has won two “Excellence in Photojournalism” awards during my tenure there. In addition to working at Portrait Magazine, I write a newspaper column, "Edgewise," which is carried in 7 weekly papers, including the Clarion Weekly. I have edited novels written by renowned historian, “Ima Liyeaur” and popular mystery author, “C.S.I. Ripov.” I edited the screenplays for the movies, “The World’s Nastiest Neighbours” and “Zombies Ate My Neighbours.” I and my friend and lifelong companion Josef Weeder have produced 2 coffee table books profiling accomplished Canadians, which have met with moderate success. I have edited works by several new playwrights, and modernized some Shakespeare, Brecht and Coward for a post-millenial audience. Two of these modernizations have been produced to great public acclaim: “Romie and Julie” by the Toronto Little Dinner Theatre, which was an adaptation of William Shakespeare’s “Romeo & Juliet”, and “King Larry” by the Milborough Little Dinner Theatre, which was an adaptation of William Shakespeare’s “King Lear”. As you can see, I am well-qualified to judge the character of Duncan Anderson, since professional writers have the ability to see into men’s souls.
When I first met Duncan Anderson, he was a precocious 3-year-old who moved with his family from Barbados, the land of sugarcane, which of course, meant that Duncan had a very sweet disposition, and could be easily bossed around by my little sister. I remember mother was very anxious that my little sister (who was also 3 years old) have friends to play with from as many ethnic branches as possible, so play dates were set up at the earliest convenient possibility. The same thing occurred with me when I was young as my 3 closest friends came from Japanese, Brazilian, and white trash backgrounds. Unlike my friends however, Duncan’s mother, Miranda Anderson, did not bond with my mother, so it appeared that little Duncan would become persona non grata at the Patterson household until, as fate would decree it happen, Duncan’s father, Nigel Anderson and my father discovered that they had a common interest in model trains. Since no one else in Milborough can tolerate my father and his discussions on model trains for more than a few minutes (except for this strange mass of mystery men that show up unexpectedly whenever my dad does an outdoor train display), my mother decreed that Duncan and Nigel were permanent parts of our family’s life. Ever since then, Duncan and my little sister were as thick as thieves along with another little girl down the street who filled the ethnic requirement of Irish / Icelandic friend. I was only at home for 2 more years after that, but I observed little Duncan, with his purple lips and sweet hint of a Barbadian accent, together with my little sister in various games of torturing, I mean playing with our now, deceased dog, Farley. This is not to say Duncan had anything to do with killing our dog. He was not even present when that horrible day occurred, so it is no reflection on his character, for which I am writing this letter.
After I left for university, mom and dad kept me up-to-date with the goings-on at their household and from this I became even more aware of Duncan through my mom’s stories. I will now relate a few stories which I believe will help establish the nature of Duncan Anderson’s character.
My mother told me of time when a boy named Steve, much older than my little sister, tried to pick her up at a mall arcade and movie, trying to ply her with Junior Mints. According to mom, my little sister was tempted, until Duncan Anderson got mad at her and told her the older boy was no good and was only following her around because he thought my little sister was roadside, since her now former best friend, the Irish / Icelandic girl I mentioned before, was known to be roadside. Duncan Anderson completely saved my little sister’s life, for we all know what kind of mischief older boys have in mind for young, stupid girls.
Duncan Anderson also plays bass guitar in my little sister’s band. A few years ago, during the course of a band competition, my little sister’s guitar string broke in the middle of the performance. From what I understand from mom, if it hadn't been for Duncan, my emotional unbalanced sister probably would have run out crying and given up any chance for the piece to be completed and would have exposed herself to total and utter public humiliation. Instead the band got through the piece, even though it wasn't a complete success. Thanks to Duncan Anderson my sister didn’t quit when she desperately wanted to. My dad said the piece was still pretty awful, but there were bands there that were worse.
My mom tells me Duncan Anderson is also knowledgeable technically. He has shown my ignorant little sister how to send pictures from the phone right to her Blog. Duncan is also known for his ability to build websites. A few years ago, Duncan Anderson helped my father sell some leftover pieces of his friend’s train collection on eBay, so it would not clutter up his workshop. Not only is he musically talented, technically inclined, but he also plays soccer. At one point, Duncan Anderson was asked to play for a team in Toronto because he's really good, but his family was unwilling to drive to Toronto all the time because of the long drive. I know it doesn’t make sense now, but Toronto was further away from Milborough then, so, at the time, it was a legitimate concern. In addition to all these things, Duncan and his Dad have taken my little sister (who loves horses) trail riding, when she could find no one else to do it. Mom says she was very happy with Duncan and Nigel when they agreed to go trail riding to get my temperamental little sister off of her back about the subject.
Recently, mom told me that Duncan is crazy about a girl named Eva Abuya, but is too shy to talk to her, much less ask her out. I was happy to hear that because I had become a little suspicious about Duncan’s orientation, if you know what I mean. Most boys in Milborough have settled on the girlfriend that will become their future spouse well before Grade 9.
Am I forgetting something? Oh, yes. Duncan also plays chess and likes 96.3 FM.
That’s all I can remember about Duncan Anderson from off the top of my head and notes I took from talking to mom. However, in the event that you find the desire for me to expand this writing into a best-selling biography, I am sure I can find more material to turn this otherwise uninteresting, but fine-charactered boy, into award-winning book material.
Yours,
Michael Patterson
At 10:00 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Mike, man, u r 1 of my d00ds. Zed & my mom havnt red yr letter of ref yet but I no its way better than yr dads. BTW if u c yr dad this weekend cld u ask him 2 rite me a better letter of ref? My mom was supposed 2 get 1 2day but then my dad disappeared & I think she 4got.
p.s. D00d, if u r in Mboro 2nite cld u meet me @ Horny Ts? I need sum weed 2 get me thru my nite w/ my mom & 96.3.
At 10:09 PM,
duncan anderson said…
So my mom & I r listening 2 96.3 FM. My mom says its baroque music I say who cares its nasty.
NEway, theres sum 25 min set playing & I think mayB 4 1X theres a beat 2 this music. Turns out the lite on the answering machine is flashing 2 this beat. I go no way theres a beat 2 this music, then I go the lite is rilly flashing.
So I check the answering machine. Its a message from my dad. He was in Bridgetown waiting 4 my uncle Alfred 2 pick him up @ the airport. There was sum goat farm emergency & he had 2 go rite away w/o telling us. He asked my mom 2 call him cos he didnt have time 2 pack or tell her he was going.
L8r.
At 10:24 PM,
Anonymous said…
Duncan,
My family and I should be in Milborough this weekend to celebrate Victoria Day with my Milborough family, possibly on Sunday or late Saturday. I will pass on your request to dad when I see him. However, I am not in Milborough tonight as I have many writing deadlines to complete before I can leave. Even if I were, there is no way I could get you any weed. That would be illegal and wrong and way too soon after my dad got ticketed for doing something illegal with you. Besides you know my mother. With her nose, she would smell it no matter where I hid it. Besides, 96.3 isn’t that bad. Whenever I can’t sleep, I turn on 96.3. It is excellent for putting me right out.
I hope everything goes well with your goats and their farm.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 10:36 PM,
duncan anderson said…
OK, Mike, d00d, no prob. U r still my man. Let me no when u r coming 2 Mboro this weekend. We cld hang & play chess.
MCDunC
At 11:04 PM,
Anonymous said…
Duncan,
No offence intended to you, but I will have to be careful being seen with you around my mother for a bit, until this whole "Dad was caught speeding with 2 underage boys in his car" thing blows over with my mother. I hope once this week is over, the whole incident can be forgotten. I know dad wants to forget it, and I have a feeling there are many other people who would just soon forget the whole thing ever happened. After that, no problem with hanging and playing chess.
Love,
Michael Patterson
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