W8, WHO needed a lesson?
OMG, I was so hopin' that I'd B on2 a new topic this morning, but now I'm back 2 tellin' U about st00pid that Saturday--not this past 1, but the one B4. When Dad got back w/Ger an' Dunc, I asked, "What took U so long?" And Dunc was, all, "yr dad got a speeding ticket." And I was a bit distracted cuz suddenly Dunc was taller than Ger! And Dad sed, "Yes. I did. I was showing off my new car. I was going far 2 fast. It was a really stupid thing 2 do--and I got caught." Then as he went in2 the house, he held up 1 index finger an' said, "Let that B a lesson 2 U!!!" Oh, rite, Dad, set a really bad xample, get in trub, and tell us it's a lesson 4 us! Nice try!
But I think we were even more freaked out abt Dunc and Eva both suddenly having NO EYEZ! As soon as Dad was inside, they were both all, "What happened 2 MY EYES!" Lucky 4 them, their eyez were back in less than a minute. But I know how scary it is when that happed. Almost as scary as how, during that same time, I was missing one of my fingerz from my rite hand, and my other hand looked sort of like a feather duster! Luckily, my handz went back 2 normal when Eva an' Dunc got their eyez back. I don't know if sumthing also happed 2 Ger, Dunc, an' Eva's hands during that time, cuz they all had 'em jammed in2 their pants pockets. Oh, and Dunc sort of pushed the front of his body against my back. That was kinda startling, but I think it mighta been cuz he stumbled when he didn't have eyez.
Zandra, thanx 4 letting us know Dunc's OK. Yr unk Arne soundz v. crayzee, which I have a lot of xperience w/ (crayzee relliez).
Apes
But I think we were even more freaked out abt Dunc and Eva both suddenly having NO EYEZ! As soon as Dad was inside, they were both all, "What happened 2 MY EYES!" Lucky 4 them, their eyez were back in less than a minute. But I know how scary it is when that happed. Almost as scary as how, during that same time, I was missing one of my fingerz from my rite hand, and my other hand looked sort of like a feather duster! Luckily, my handz went back 2 normal when Eva an' Dunc got their eyez back. I don't know if sumthing also happed 2 Ger, Dunc, an' Eva's hands during that time, cuz they all had 'em jammed in2 their pants pockets. Oh, and Dunc sort of pushed the front of his body against my back. That was kinda startling, but I think it mighta been cuz he stumbled when he didn't have eyez.
Zandra, thanx 4 letting us know Dunc's OK. Yr unk Arne soundz v. crayzee, which I have a lot of xperience w/ (crayzee relliez).
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:03 AM
28 Comments:
At 9:27 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. It’s good to finally get more of your side to the story about pop’s speeding ticket. Mom and dad are telling me all the time about how you are bad-tempered and surly and you are “the creature.” The whole time we visited this weekend, I didn’t see it. My kids loved playing with their aunt April. From what you are writing, your position is that all you said was, “What took you so long?” and “You got nailed for speeding?” Dad’s version of the story paints you in a somewhat different light, as if you came after him about the speeding ticket over and over again, until he lashed out and said you needed to learn a lesson. I will have to tell you that I am inclined to believe your version. I saw Dad react when Edgar bounded up to him over the weekend and he gave Edgar a lecture about how there was a lesson to be learned about how jumping up on people and licking your privates is a really stupid thing to do.
I have to tell you a story mom told me about dad during their Mexico vacation. Apparently mom caught dad leering at girls walking by them, and dad’s reaction after he was caught was to be even more obvious that he was leering. Mom was really angry with him. It makes me nervous for dad. It’s like he has lost his sense of right and wrong. I may have to talk to mom about it, when the time is right.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:30 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i h8 wen ‘rents go 2 the “do az i az say not az i do” routine. my dad duz it all the tyme. “i wuz drinkin’ n fronta a cop. i wuz drinkin’ far 2 much. it wuz a rilly st00pid thing 2 do & i got caught.” then he sez, “let that b a lesson 2u” wen i totally know that mom made him say that & dad nevah rilly meanz it. but the thing iz, that it rilly iz a lesson 2 me. i nevah wanna b like my dad & i guess this meanz u mite not wanna b like ur dad either. of course gettin’ caught drinkin’ iz a lot worse than gettin’ caught speedin’. so, mebbe u can’t rel8 2 much. neway, i don’t unnerstand ‘rents wen they get like that. i’m old enuff 2 know my mom & my dad aren’t perfect. but i have nevah, evah heard my dad say he wuz wrong ‘bout sumthin’, where it sounded like he rilly b-lieved he wuz wrong, & not just sayin’ it cuz he thot he hadta. i hope ur dad’z not like that 2, but mebbe he iz.
At 9:32 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your noos (father) and his speeding ticket. Your sister and I had spent an evening with mad, passionate, beading work when we read the writings. Your sister is embarrassed she is dating a constable in the Ontario Provincial Police, while her father was ticketed for speeding while showing off his new car to two teenaged boys. I have told her several times now that I love her and your noos (father’s) criminal record has no effect on that love. For some reason, this did not help. I could tell there was something else she wanted to say to me. Finally, after we completed several beaded items, your sister said, “My ngashi (mother) ran a red light back in 2004, and she got a warning.” I said, “I guess no one was injured because of this.” Your sister said, “No.” I said, “Then a warning was appropriate.” Then your sister said, “You don’t hate me because my ngashi (mother) got a warning do you?” I said, “Hey, teacher. Do you hate Jesse Mukwa when he misbehaves in your class?” Your sister said, “Sometimes a little, but he is such a loveable scamp, I couldn’t hate him for long. Teachers don’t hate students.” I said, “It’s the same way with the Ontario Provincial Police. Many people are just average citizens who made a slight and very forgivable mistake. For those people, the OPP is there more as a reminder of the rules.” Then I said, “Teacher. You remind me of something.” Your sister said, “What?” I said, “How much I love you.” She didn’t say anything after that, but I could read her reaction in her eyes. Our relationship is going very well.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 9:34 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Sometime my brother Blair does stupid things and he gets caught and mom makes him say he’s sorry. But whenever I do stupid things, mom doesn’t do the same thing to me. It makes me feel bad sometimes. It’s like because I am “special needs”, it means it’s not my fault when something goes wrong. It’s because my brain does not work right. When he was talking to you, your dad may have gotten confused and thought he was “special needs”, but he isn’t. I know the difference. He should say he was sorry and not blame you. That’s not right. You’re the nicest girl in Milborough.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 9:35 AM,
howard said…
April,
Given your story in your Blog entry this morning, I thought this part in Thorvald McGuire's (Becky’ dad's) opera "The Dentist and the Teenagers" would be of interest to you:
Teenager 1:
Your dad got a speeding ticket
That’s a sticky wicket.
Teenager 2:
You got nailed for speeding
The law you were not heading.
The Dentist:
I was showing off my new car.
Trying to be a racing star.
I was going far too fast.
And that speed is such a blast.
It was a really stupid thing to do,
I got caught.
Let that be a lesson to you. (to Teenager 2).
Howard K.
At 6:36 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, mike, it just figz dad's been tellin' u a diff version of what happened when he got back from his speeding ticket. it's cube that u believe me. i don't know y dad has 2, w8, what does he call it? "embellish"?
if u think the mexico thing was bad, dad actually thot it wd b a good thing 2 e-mail me about the whole thing.
jeremy, i think i know what u mean abt yr dad. i don't think it's cube 2 do sumthing wrong & then b all "let that b a lesson 2 u!"
shannon, i don't think my dad thinx he's special needs. i think he considers himself special, tho. like rules not apply to u kinda special.
howard, omg!
paul, wow, i didn't realize liz was getting so in2 the beadwork. mayB she'll show me howta do sum when she get here next month.
apes
At 7:34 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, becks, that's terrible! :(
apes
At 7:54 PM,
duncan anderson said…
OMG, Im back from Niagara Falls.
The bus ride there sucked. That bratto Upchuck Wallace wore a suit 4 sum reason so the bus driver decided we were all dangerous goths & made us sit @ the front of the bus. I dont think ne1 but us & the driver was under 80 yo. The 80 yos were all afraid of us 2 but they were afraid theyd catch lice from us. MCDunC doesnt have lice.
UW wldnt sit alone & made Zed sit next 2 him. After abt ½ hr, Zed asked me 2 switch w/ her b4 she killed him. I dont no y she trusted me not 2 kill him I thot abt it alot. He told me all abt his Sim Duncan & all the ways hes killed Sim Duncan. So far hes drowned Sim Duncan in a swimming pool, electrocuted Sim Duncan by having him repair a tv, burned Sim Duncan by having the stove catch fire while Sim Duncans cooking & starved Sim Duncan by shutting him in a room w/o food. He was rilly happy that he accidentally killed Sim Duncan 1x when Sim Duncan spontaneously combusted. What a creep. When he wasnt telling me how he likes 2 torture & kill Sim me, he was whining 2 Zed.
When we got 2 Niagara Falls, Zed foned Arne & we had 2 go up Clifton Hill & meet him in the Movieland Wax Museum. We found him in the back he was in drag & pretending 2 b Lizzie Borden. He told us 2 get out & meet him @ the House of Lancaster.
We must of wasted an hour trying 2 find a fone book & then we cldnt find the House of Lancaster listed under restaurants, we finally found it listed under escort agencies. We blew the last of r $ on a cab to this strip joint on Lundys Lane. We snuck in the back & met up w/ Arne. He was babbling abt sum1 in the International Association of Illusionists being out 2 get him. I was thinking of handing him over 2 the illusionists till we saw these 2 skary d00ds in tuxes coming after us. I yelled @ Arne 2 pick up Lizzie’s axe but he screamed back, its just a prop, its made of rubber. We got outta there fast.
So we kept going from bar 2 bar trying 2 lose these illusionist enforcers. Not that the d00ds wld have had 2 much trubl finding us since Arne is prolly driving the only blue & yellow ’88 Tbird in the world. Arne ordered us chicken wings in 1 bar, but we got bounced b4 we got 2 eat cos Arne started watching the Canada/Sweden hockey game & yelled that the Canadian team is a bunch of *******. Then Arne ordered us burgers & fries in another bar but we got bounced b4 we cld eat cos he pissed off the owner by telling all the other customers that Niagara Falls is the suicide capital of Canada & what bodies look like when theyre picked up in the Niagara River. By then I wasnt hungry nemore. UW had shut up completely & I was beginning 2 feel sorry 4 him.
Zed told Arne she was going 2 call the police & child welfare unless Arne ditched the Tbird. He hid it in the woods & we walked back 2 Lundys Lane, hitting the ground whenevah we saw headlites. Arne rented us a cpl of rooms in a motel. By then it was 8:30 pm. I called my mom & told her what had happened. She was rilly rilly pissed @ Arne. Its 2 bad there isnt a swearing event in the Olympics my mom wld win gold 4 Canada 4 sure evrytime I think Ive hurd them all she comes up w/ sum new words. I asked her abt my dad & she said he wld b calling her l8r. Then she said Luggie had been 2 the house looking 4 my dad. I was freaking after I got off the fone but Arne said, if u r going 2 worry abt sumthing, worry abt the illusionists down the road, not abt sum donut-eater in Mboro. 4 1x, Arne was rite.
I cldnt sleep. I had 2 share w/Arne & he was snoring & I was still freaking. I hung out by the pop & ice machines. I guess Zed was freaking 2 cos she found me there, she said shed nocked on the door & when no1 answered she guessed that Arne had passed out & I had took off. Good guess. She said UW had fallen asleep the min his head hit the pillow. So we hung 4 awhile in the bathroom in Zed & UWs room & then we finally fell asleep.
Arne woke us up @ 5:30 am & he & Zed walked back 2 get the Tbird. Arne made Zed drive cos he wanted 2 keep his head down. Zeds only got a G1 licence so we had 2 stay off the major hiways. We started on Hwy 20 & drove thru evry village in southern Ontario. UW asked me if I wanted 2 play games w/ him on his Blackberry & he didnt evn try 2 cheat. It was 1 of those days when Mboro is rilly north & rilly east of TO, so the drive took like 8 hours. I think I lost it a bit cos I remember singing that Bobby McGee song from my ‘rents Janis Joplin album & saying that I didnt care if the judge gave me closed custody on Tues.
My mom was quiet when Arne dropped me off. I guess she didnt want 2 swear in front of UW, she nevah swore in front of me b4 I was 14 yo. Or mayB shes worried abt my dad. She said he didnt call on Sat. I sat w/ her til 9:00 pm w8ing 4 my dad 2 call. He still didnt call. So my mom called the goat farm & my gran said my dads not there, hes taking care of the goats in the daytime & hanging @ the rum shop @ nite. My gran says she has no idea y my dads there or when hes coming home. My mom was freaked but I told her no way hed blow my court d8 & my mom agreed. So my mom & I hung all Sun nite listening 2 96.3 FM & playing Scrabble. My dad nevah called.
When we were eating brekkie this am, Luggie came 2 the door. My mom made me go 2 my room so I dont no y Luggie keeps coming 2 the house. The ****** will get 2 c me go down 2morrow isnt that soon enuf 4 him or what.
L8r. Zeds ‘rents r taking UW 2 TO 2nite 4 the Victoria Day fireworks, & my mom said I cld go hang w/ Zed while they r gone. Shes still xpecting my dad 2 call & say hes @ Pearson Airport & ask her 4 a ride home.
p.s. UW sent me an email while I was riting this. He says he got Sim Duncan a job 2day & now Sim Duncan is Mayor of Sim City.
p.p.s. Dont worry Beckers, u didnt miss ne skool 2day its Victoria Day.
At 8:33 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
Well, I know one doctor who is not going to be performing ultrasounds on you when we have kids. Imagine going from an ultrasound to determine the health of the baby directly to using the same ultrasound to determine infertility without discussing the change of procedure to the patient or bringing up infertility treatment options. That won’t be happening to my wife and the mother of my children. Not that you and I will ever need infertility treatment options. The last time had my sperm counted, I had 32.5 million sperm per milliliter of semen, and the average is 20 million or more sperm per milliliter of semen. And 95% of my sperm had a normal shape and showed normal forward motility, where the average is 60%. I am ready to produce, once we are married and you are settled enough in your career, of course.
Just so you don’t worry. I got a call from Bruiser, who says that Thora-Thora is staying with him for a brief time. I didn’t even know they knew each other.
Howard K.
At 8:33 PM,
April Patterson said…
hey, dunc, wow, what an adventure! an' so weird abt yr dad takin' off and not letting ne1 know what's up! mayB he'z trying 2 outdo my dad on the weird?
it soundz like a good sign that zed's lil bro is b-ing nicer 2 his sims dunc!
apes
At 8:39 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
You wrote back to me! This is my best Victoria Day ever! I am glad your dad doesn’t think he is special needs, because we have to follow rules like everyone else. Actually more than everyone else, because you can have a boyfriend and I can’t. And when you are 18, you are allowed to get a place by yourself. I have to wait until I earn my TIL (Toward Independent Living) Program Certificate. Happy Victoria Day!
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 9:06 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. We have taken the children to Ashbridge's Bay Park to see the fireworks tonight. I really sorry you had to put up with dad going a little nuts with that “lesson to you” business about his speeding ticket. It’s not like you are old enough to have a driver’s licence, so I don’t know what lesson you could learn.
I am very shocked that he would e-mail you about his visual infidelities in front of mom in Mexico. I think Dad may have lost his sense of right and wrong. Dee said, “My mom may be going nuts, and my Dad has been withdrawing more and more instead of confronting it, but at least he doesn’t get caught speeding with someone else’s kids in his car.” It’s rare when Dee prefers her parents to mine; and I must say it is not undeserved this time. Of course, when Dee finds another sticker in yet another part of our apartment, she gets a little upset with her mom. So, the situation may be temporary. After all, Dee does credit our mom with curing our son’s ear infection.
Josef and Carleen have just arrived to join us. My daughter is saying something about “Scary scarecrow man!!” I think I will have to calm her down before she messes herself. Duty calls.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:17 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
Don’t forget the axe your father hides in the sugar bowl. Remember the last time you forgot about that one.
Bruiser is a pitstop, eh? Going back to New Iceland to be banished, eh? That is very, very interesting. I wonder which story is true. I suppose only time will tell.
I am sorry to hear Thora’s reproductive system was deformed. I know how it feels to think you can never have children. Of course for me it was for different reasons than Thora’s. No offence to Gerald, but I am suspicious of any doctor recommended by Dr. Schlanger. However, if my fiancée wants to try out Dr. Warmhandz and come to her own decision, then that is fine by me. In fact, I will be glad to take off work to go to your appointment with you. As for oops babies, if we had one as nice as April, I think that would be a good thing, don’t you?
Howard K.
At 9:30 PM,
April Patterson said…
aw, howard, that's like one of the nicest thingz ne1 has ev sed abt me! that makes me feel v. good, esp. after all this weird stuff w/my dad!
apes
At 9:31 PM,
Anonymous said…
duncan, u notice rebeccah left me off her list of peeps practicin’ n the gym 4 the prom this mornin’, but ncluded taylor? that wuzn’t coincidence. eva & i & our ‘rents & my future dad & sis r up n TO 4 the fireworks. eva hadda v.v. innerestin’ story ‘bout cowboyz, rustlers & blonde cowgirlz who like 2 stir thingz up. i listened 2 her v.v. carefully on the trip 2 TO. eva’z mom sed, “sorry ‘bout that. eva’z analogiez r usually bettah than that. she wuz tellin’ us 1 this mornin’ ‘bout the blind teenagerz & the crayzee father. it wuz a good story.” eva sed, “that wuz eyeless teenagerz & it wuzn’t a story. it wuz fact.” eva’z mom sed, “the teenagerz still cudn’t c.” eva sed, “temporarily disappearing eyeballz r not the same az blind.” eva’z dad sed, “ur mom haz a point. if u got no eyez, ur blind.” so eva kinda got quiet & she whispered 2 me, “u unnerstand wut i am sayin’.” i sed, “i think i do.” eva sed, “then thass all that mattahz.” i hope the fireworks will kinda loosen eva up a bit.
At 9:48 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
Your sister and I are having a quiet evening together indoors. Jesse Mukwa came by and asked if was planning to patrol Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) for people setting off fireworks for Victoria Day. I told Jesse that it is illegal for minors to own or possess fireworks and reminded him that firecrackers and bottle rockets are illegal for everyone but licenced fireworks technicians. Then Jesse offered me a bribe to stay indoors tonight. I told Jesse I did not accept bribes. However, your sister said that for two of Jesse’s aunt’s blueberry pies, she would find a way to keep me occupied with indoor activities. It looks like an evening of dancing in sock feet for me tonight.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 9:50 PM,
April Patterson said…
liz told me thoze piez r hella-good! she totally raves abt them.
apes
At 9:59 PM,
howard said…
April,
I think you are a very special girl. Just to let you know, if Becky and I did have an oops baby girl, I think we would name her April, in honour of you. We probably would not go with Marian for a middle name. I think Becky or Thorvald would probably want some Viking name for that spot. We have talked about Barða or Droplaug or Fála or Gnepja or Gýgur or Rimmugýgur or Skeggja or Skjáfa or Skráma or Snegða or Sveðja or Vígglöð or Þenja or Þveita. Actually, I do most of the talking about this subject.
Howard K.
At 10:03 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
Jesse’s aunt Marge is an excellent pie maker. She’s a lot better at that than she is at plucking porcupine quills with pliers. I hope your sister will share. When Jesse bought the pies in, your sister started in on the first one and appears to be making her way through to the next one without stopping. Shiimsa meowed at me, and I could swear I “heard” her say, “No pies for you, mountie!!”
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 10:09 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. It has been a comical night with the kids. When Josef Weeder showed up, I thought my daughter remembered him from last Halloween, when he scared the people coming up to our apartments to trick-or-treat while dressed as a scarecrow. Instead, it turns out my daughter thinks Josef looks like a scarecrow while he is dressed in normal clothing. My daughter said, “His nose isn’t real. It’s a mask.” So she squeezed it several times to make sure she believed it was real. I think she has calmed down now and Josef has a sticker on his nose. I don’t think I will tell him about it just yet.
I hope whatever you are doing tonight, you are enjoying yourself.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 10:17 PM,
howard said…
April,
Becky’s is right, she doesn’t want any oops babies. The whole thing about oops babies is that they are unexpected bundles of joy dropped into your life. Oops babies happen when someone is not paying attention to how their contraceptives work or when their triple vasectomies don’t take because they have been done by a quack doctor. I am just saying that if we did have an oops baby, I would like her to be named April. Honestly, I don’t know why Becky used your mother as a reason for not wanting an oops baby. If I had an oops baby, I would just love it to bits. That’s speaking figuratively of course.
Oh, Becky. If you’re reading this, I just remembered that Thorvald just recently started hiding an axe in the shower behind the luffas. It’s pink, but sharp.
Howard K.
At 10:42 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes, Im back from Zeds. My mom just made me try on my suit 4 court 2morrow. I must of grown alot this weekend its way 2 small. Ill have 2 wear 1 of my dads suits I guess it wont hurt 4 me 2 look like a bank manager.
My moms still w8ing 4 my dad 2 get home. No1s answering the fone @ the goat farm so my mom doesnt no what flite hes on. She told me 2 go 2 bed. I think I will I rilly cant take nemore 96.3 this weekend.
L8r.
At 10:48 PM,
Anonymous said…
duncan, jtlyk. u can call the airlinez & give them ur dad'z name, & they can tell u wut flite ur dad iz on. tuff break 'bout gettin' taller so ur clothez don't fit. thass the only break i got wen i started lookin' oldah, wuz i didn't outgrow my clothez.
At 11:04 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Thanks 4 the suggestion, Jer. My mom already tried that but the airlines say they cant tell her cos of all the new privacy laws.
At 11:08 PM,
Anonymous said…
duncan, sorry, dude. u can tell it's been a long tyme since i flew newhere. i have been n mboro way 2 long.
At 11:16 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
A cute little April, junior? You know you would love it to death (figuratively, of course). Besides, you have witnessed the pasty consumption of one Elly Patterson enough to know that April didn’t wreck that figure. The person who will be preparing your food and making sure you keep up with your exercise program (that’s me, by the way), will not let you turn into a lumpy, big-nosed, arm-flapping, telephone book eating, pastry-worshipping woman. I can see you in your latter years looking much more like Christy Brinkley looks in her 50s, except a lot smarter.
Howard K.
At 1:14 AM,
howard said…
Becky,
I used to say Thora could pull an axe out of her ass, if she wanted, and although I am not sure that isn't true, at least there is some comfort you found an axe in a place where she used to sit. There was no actual comfort when I sat there, and now I know why.
Young is good for me for babies. When you're 18 in 3 years I will be pushing my late 20s, and I will be practically an old maid.
Howard K.
At 2:35 AM,
howard said…
Becky,
That's a very odd reaction from Thorvald. I can't think who the person would be. I am trying to think of single women who produced exclusively sons, but I am drawing a blank. I think it is because there are very few single mothers in Milborough. Beatrice Alfarero is single, but she has daughters. Martha McRae is single, but she also has daughters. I am drawing a blank. Brenda Starr, again, a daughter.
By the by, are you sleeping over at your dad's house tonight, or are you sleeping over in the bungalow with me? Dr. McCaulay wants the last of the chocolate chip cookies and if you are staying over there, I will give him the cookies and bake some more for you tomorrow.
Howard K.
Post a Comment
<< Home