Ew
I love Gramps, but I don't wanna B thinkin' abt his false teeth. I just don't. I don't wanna think abt them "tast[ing] like modelling clay" cuz Merrie used them as a clay cutter when she visited Gramps an' Iris recently. I hear Merrie's wearing the traditional Patterson-girl ponytail on a fulltime basis now. What a shame! (Mike's gonna write in & say that it's not a shame, but it is. Merrie's got pretty hair. She shd B able 2 wear it loose!)
Howard, it mite B a gd idea 4 U 2 warn yr auntie & unk that Merrie is going thru this phase where she usez all kinda unusual "found objects" 2 cut an' mold her clay. There's no telling what items of theirs she'll B in2 4 that!
Dunc, I'm so glad U guyz found yr Dad! How weird that he was hangin' w/Arne Larson in Niagara Falls!
Apes
Howard, it mite B a gd idea 4 U 2 warn yr auntie & unk that Merrie is going thru this phase where she usez all kinda unusual "found objects" 2 cut an' mold her clay. There's no telling what items of theirs she'll B in2 4 that!
Dunc, I'm so glad U guyz found yr Dad! How weird that he was hangin' w/Arne Larson in Niagara Falls!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:07 AM
16 Comments:
At 10:02 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I am not going to write in and say it’s not a shame my daughter has her hair in a pony tail or a bun. She is too young for both those fashions. The next state in Patterson hair development is the bowlcut, just like you when you used to call yourself Aypo. For some reason my mother and Iris don’t seem to be getting this. Iris actually had my daughter’s hair in a little very curly bun. And when mom took care of my son when he was sick, she had my daughter’s hair in the pony tail. Little sis, if you really believed in wearing your hair loose, then that’s what you would do. You may talk a good game little sis, but unless your thoughts come with passive aggressive actions, then that is proof you really believe in what is true and natural about being a Patterson. There is no greater family in the world, but I suppose you have to go through your teenage rebellious stage before you realize it.
As for the modelling clay incident, we asked my daughter not to use great-grandpa’s dentures again and she said she wouldn’t. She is a very obedient child and of course, very creative in her use of clay-cutting tools. An ordinary child would have used a pencil, or asked Iris for a cookie cutter or a knife to cut her clay, but my extraordinary daughter went for great-grandpa’s choppers. That is the sign of a genius, and I know exactly where she got it from. That’s me, in case you didn’t figure it out. Sometimes, I love being a father.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 10:10 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
You should not eat modelling clay. Tell your grandpa it will not kill him, but it is not good to do. Even though I am special needs I know this. Someone tells me everytime we work with clay.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 10:25 AM,
howard said…
April,
I didn’t get a call from my aunt about the modeling clay, so I decided to call her to see if there was a story I missed. My aunt said, “Howard. We have already been through a stage of this. We found the little girl rummaging through my toiletries and Mel’s cigars one day. I said to her, ‘Meredith. Why are you in my personal stuff?’ She said, ‘It’s OK. I’ll put it back.’ I said, ‘Is this why I found modeling clay stuck to my tampons?’ The little girl said, ‘I couldn’t get the clay off. Sorry. Can I use this long thing as a roller?’ I said, ‘That’s Mel’s cigar, so no. He is very protective of them. Have you ever thought of using a cookie cutter or a knife?’ Then Mel was not very helpful and said, ‘Let’s give her the butcher knife. That will give her parents a shock.’ I said, ‘We’re not giving a little girl a butcher knife.’ Then the little girl said, ‘Besides. It’s too heavy to lift.’ Mel and I were both a little concerned by that statement. However, she left our place with a few butter knives and a cookie cutter. I don’t know why this little girl is not more carefully supervised.” I told her that Meredith had used her great-grandpa’s dentures to cut clay. My aunt thought that was very amusing. She said, "If they are not going to monitor the girl, then they get what they deserve. She’s a very smart girl. When we asked her to not put her toys in the foyer, she just did it. She didn’t run to the landlady and complain or write libelous articles about me and Mel. I wish her parents were as accommodating.” So, that’s the story from my aunt. It’s not as exciting as some of her other stories, so that’s probably why she didn’t call.
Howard K.
At 10:33 AM,
April Patterson said…
omg, mike, no, no, no on the hiddy bowlcut! gah!
if u paid closer attention 2 this blog u'd know i don't wear my hair in a patterson bun by choice. i have gone 2 the salon where howard works (& he can back me up on this when u don't believe me) and gotten my hair put in2 other hairdos. & then sum force makes my hair go back in2 the uggo propellor bun.
btw, dee has a similar condition with her bowlcut. even when she tried having her head shaved as a test of the "hair curse", it grew right back in2 the bowlcut, rite b4 howard an' marjee's v. eyez!
howard, merrie shd def. b supervised better!
apes
At 10:44 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, if ur niece’z hair iz like urs, then she duzn’t have a choice ‘bout how it’s gonna look. i think that u mita been a little jealous cuz she got 2 wear her hair loose 4 awhile, & i know thass how u wanna wear ur hair. mebbe wen u get outa mboro, ur hair will let u do sumthin’ w/it. i dunno. eva haz her hair n a rilly tite bun & sumtymez i wanna take it outa the bun & run my hands thru it, but eva iz rilly strict ‘bout how it iz mportant 4 her hair 2b n a tite bun. i asked her y that iz & she sed, “i dunno jeremy. but i have this sense that n order 4 me 2b wut i am, that it iz mportant.” i sed, “this izn’t 1 of thoze, ‘ur not like rebeccah’ thingz is it?” eva sed, “of course not, jeremy. if i wunted, i cud take my hair outa a tite bun rite now.” i sed, “ok. do it.” eva sed, “wut?” i sed, “take ur hair outa a bun. i don’t think u can do it.” eva sed, “all rite.” then she got v.v. upset, cuz u know the thing that happs w/u & ur propeller bun, it happened to eva & her tite bun. everytime she took it down, it went rite back up, like magick. she almost cudn’t calm down. i sed, “now, pretend like ur going 2 bed or gonna take a shower.” i laid down on the chesterfield & sed, “ur gonna take a nap, & u wanna take ur hair down & lie rite here.” then, eva took her hair down & it stayed down. i kinda njoyed lying b-side her on the chesterfield. april, her hair iz rilly long & curly & beautiful, like a giant white tiger mane. if she had her hair down, i wudn’t b lookin’ @her boobs nemore.
then sumthin’ woke her up & the minute she sat up, her hair was instantly back n a bun. i woulda been freaked out (actually i wuz a little), but i remember u & ur propeller. eva sed, “duz this happ 2 april 2?” i sed, “it duz. & april h8s it.” eva sed, “then that’s just 1 more thing i have n common w/april. i think april & i r gonna b best friendz b4 long.” i told her i cud definitely c that happenin’. neway, the message iz: don’t worry ‘bout ur niece’s hair. there’z nothin’ u can do ‘bout it. howevah, eva prolly wants 2 talk 2u ‘bout ur hair problems.
At 10:47 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. That story about not having a choice about your hair style is hysterically funny. Do mind if I use it for a column? I am thinking of a title like “Teenagers and Hallucinogenics.” What do you think?
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 10:49 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
If you wear your hair down and straight and with your bangs cut really short, people will think you are special needs. You should keep your hair in a bun. It's safer that way. Also, don't eat modelling clay.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 10:59 AM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, mayB u r rite that getting outta mboro will let me do other stylez w/my hair. i hope so.
eva, i'm sorry u have the same prob! this town is freeeekeeeee!
apes
At 11:00 AM,
April Patterson said…
mike, u arse, i knew u wdn't believe me. i'm on my way over. i'll friggn' prove it. then u can write a column called "michael effin' patterson, humbled".
apes
At 11:03 AM,
Anonymous said…
W8, Apes, i'll come along, 2. Mike will C I have the same problem!
Ehvva (trying out a new spelling)
At 11:04 AM,
April Patterson said…
ehvva an' i r on the to bus. shd b @ mike's @ abt noon. then he'll c!
apes
At 11:33 AM,
Anonymous said…
Wow, we are already pulling in2 TO! The bus driver told us Milborough is having an especially "close" day for whatever reason! So, April and I should be at her brother's apartment in just a few minutes!
Ehvva
At 11:36 AM,
Anonymous said…
April, coincidentally, Howard and I are in your brother's neighbourhood! He didn't mention this in his post, but when he spoke to his Aunt Winnie, he thought she sounded just a little bit "off" and that a surprise visit from her nephew might be just the thing! And he asked me to come along because he doesn't especially like making the trip alone. Anyway, we'll meet you there to assist with the hair demo!
Marjee
At 12:25 PM,
April Patterson said…
lolololol!
marjee an' howard met ehvva an' me in front of mike's building.
mike greeted us @ the door of his apartment an' he was laffin'. "my, my, look @ this contingency, all here 2 indulge my baby sister'z fantasy abt hair she can't control! well, enter, my guests!"
we went in, and marjee said, "as a professional hairstylist who has witnessed april's affliction firsthand, i think i shd officiate over these proceedings."
mike, all mock-serious, was, like, "oh, yes, by all meanz." marjee had dee get a free-standing table-top mirror and some towels, and had me sit at the kitchen table, where she set up the mirror and wrapped the towel around my shoulders. she opened up a case she had with her, which was sorta like a tackle box 4 hairdressers, i guess. she took my hair out of the bun, pulled a spray bottle out of the case, and spritzed my hair. then she took out the scissors and shaped my hair in2 a super-cute layered looked an' even thinned out my bangs a bit. after she blowdried it, it looked fabulous. mike was shaking his head, saying "so far u've only proven u can get a hairdo that mom wd not approve of!" a second later, the sky outside grew dark, there was a clap of thunder, and a dark storm cloud appeared right over my head. suddenly, as usual, my hair snapped rite in2 the godawful prop bun, and my bangs rethickened themselves.
mike was kinda shaking a bit, but b4 he had a chance 2 do nething, i got up and ehvva sat down. marjee took down the bun, grabbed a big cereal bowl from the drying rack by the kitchen sink, plunked it down on ehvva's head, an' cut around the edges. he pulled off the bowl, and there was eva with dee's haircut! mike kinda stared an' even squirmed a bit, sayin', "my, my, friend of my baby sis, don't u look fetching!" but of course a moment later, we had the dark sky, thunder, cloud, and ehvva's hair growing out and rebunning itself.
mike sat down in one of the other chairz, cuz he was getting a bit woozy, i guess. dee sed, "marjee, it's my turn! mohawk me!" mike was all, "nooooo!" but neither dee nor marjee listened. ehvva got up, dee sat down, and marjee got out the clipperz. she buzzed everything but a strip down the centre, and that she trimmed, gelled, an' sprayed so it stood str8 up. dee actually looked pretty cube w/a 'hawk. but of course, her hair got zapped rite back in2 the bowlcut.
next, merrie wanted a turn "2 play", so in her case, marjee just took her hair down, wet it, and dried it w/a diffuser attachment to bring out the curls. then zip-zap, back in2 a ponytail.
so i folded my armz across my chest an' sed, "so, mike, who's hysterically funny NOW?" he got up slowly, kinda shaky, and sed, "that's what i get 4 leaving the attic. that was my mistake. must rectify. attic. attic. attic." an' he kept repeating "attic" as he suffled off to his upstairz cave.
neway, marjee, howard, ehvva an' i r now downstairz having lunch w/winnie and melville kelpfroth!
apes
At 3:10 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I must say little sis, you definitely proved me wrong about the hair. I am still in shock about the whole thing. I came down out of the attic a few times and found the mound of hair still lying on the floor from where your hairstylist friend cut it off. It serves to remind me that the thing I saw was not my imagination.
I have to admit I was initially surprised you took hair styles so seriously that you would come to wherever it is we live in the Toronto area. When I told Deanna that you and your friend Ehhhvvvaa were coming, she was panic-stricken. She started shouting things like, “Get the odor-eating pucks off the floor. Find the children. Get the stickers off the refrigerator, stove, chesterfield, washing machine, dryer, and your body. Start boiling carrots.” When she found the children she told our daughter, “Where did you get that butter knife and cookie cutter? No. No. No. Cut the modeling clay with your teeth. How many times do I have to tell you this?” I said, “Dee. Maybe cutting modeling clay with teeth is not the healthiest thing for children.” Deanna growled at me, “Are you the professional pharmacist? When the children’s mouths are full of modeling clay, they are quiet, and I bought the kind that is not toxic.” I knew better than to argue with Deanna, when she was in that kind of mood. Once you arrived with your friends, I was grateful that Deanna was in a much better mood.
Even that was no solace to your follicular demonstration. I was agog at the mystic hair regrowing on even my daughter. As you know I went into my attic, until I could calm my nerves. I decided to write my weekly column about this incident. It is called, “Women’s Hair: Imagination or Fate?” I don’t think it is my best material, since it does not mock anyone or expose their failings to the world. But I feel it is material that needed to be written as a sort of a therapy to help me comprehend the things you showed me.
Little sis. When it comes to hair, I will not doubt your word again.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 3:56 AM,
howard said…
April,
I had a really good time with you and Eva and Marjee and my aunt and uncle today. At first I thought doing a hair demonstration in front of your brother would be like trying to convince a blind man he could see, but the look on his face as each style reformed itself was just priceless.
Then you and Marjee and Eva got to have my aunt Winifred’s authentic Kelpfroth borscht. She does make it better than I do, and I don’t know if you ever had any, since I seem to remember the last time I made it for you, your mother ate it all. In any case that was a good time.
Bowling was fun. Uncle Melville is an ace at it, and I was little flattered and a little embarrassed when you said, “At last something you can’t do perfectly, Howard.” There are a lot of things I can’t do perfectly, and bowling is definitely one of them. Eva was also pretty good, but no one could match my aunt and uncle who play in a league, and have done so for many years. Uncle Melville really got me when he said he bowled 301, and I pointed to the scoreboard and had to point out it said 300. Uncle Mel thought he was funny when he said, “Well. Howard. I didn’t bowl 300 and lose did I?” He had me there.
After that, when Marjee took us to the Native Canadian Centre of Toronto and we go to experience that Hands On Energy Therapist presentation, it was very interesting. I learned a few things about moving energy for therapy. Uncle Melville thought it was boring until Aunt Winnie moved some energy on him. I am so glad you ignored some of the places Marjee was touching me. Sometimes she forgets herself.
Then after that your suggestion of riding the pedal boats at Bob's Boat Yard was excellent. Uncle Melville was a little too out-of-shape to enjoy it, but fortunately aunt Winnie is much stronger. While we were out, I really appreciated you taking the time to be so honest about how things are going in your life. We have not had a good talk in awhile, but I think those things you told me needed to be said. And don’t worry, I will never tell those fellows you talked about, a thing about your feelings. Sometimes people just need to talk without having anyone try to give solutions or draw rash conclusions, eh? I will have to thank Eva for putting up with Marjee’s diatribe on how mature gay men shouldn’t be engaged to underage straight girls, when there are perfectly fine, mature straight girls who need to be engaged, while we were pedaling together.
I certainly think I made it up to Eva when we went to the Art Gallery of Toronto to look at that “Cowboy Picture” exhibit. I am pretty sure I took one for the team, having to be the butt of all those cowboy analogies. Of course you and Marjee and aunt Winnie thought the whole thing was very funny, so I shouldn’t mind very much. The strangest thing was that whenever Eva would do that odd smile of hers (I think you called it a smirk), my eyes and my uncle Melville’s eyes were automatically drawn to her breasts. I think my aunt Winifred would have been more upset, except that you and Marjee were also looking at Eva’s breasts. After the hair thing today, I suppose there could be more than one strange magick about.
You guys held up pretty well, when my aunt and uncle wanted to go ballroom dancing. You were very patient when I had to cycle through you and Eva and Marjee to take turns leading you around the floor. I am so glad you ignored Marjee’s “dirty dancing” antics. Well, ignored is probably not the best word. Let’s just say that Marjee is a lot better at doing that kind of stuff than you or Eva are, and I suppose if I were in the same situation, dancing with a guy I knew was “safe”, I might try a few things to see how they worked. I think my bruises will heal soon enough, even the ones in the strange but more intimate areas. Gerald will probably be impressed with your additions to the dancing repertoire. And if Eva can decide on what fellow she plans to be with, I am sure that fellow will be impressed too.
All in all, I would say it was a pretty good day. I hope you think the same way.
Howard K.
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