Liz-mail and "tear"
So, Liz decided to send me e-mail:
I still don't understand Y having a summer job lined up equals quitting from your full-time job that wda picked up in the fall. U never did that when U had a summer job lined up w/Lakeshore Landscaping.
Edit: Practice @ Becky's 2day, 4 our prom gig, starts @ 4 pm! It's gonna B Becks, Ger, Dunc, Eva, Luis, Jeremy, Zandra, an' me there!
Apes
Dear Sis. It's for sure. I'll be working this summer for a school in Mississauga. I can't wait to see you all again! With the lakes open, school is winding down. I'm starting to collect moving boxes and to give away some of the things I don't need. Paul is upset with me for deciding to come home, but he understands why. He's going to ask for a transfer south! Even though I want to leave, it will be hard to tear myself away from here. Interesting, isn't it, that tear and tear (to cry) are spelled the same way.I dunno, Liz. The tear/tear thing is prolly abt as interesting as "to bear" the verb vs. "bear" the animal being spelled the same way. Or how the verb "to read" also spells its past tense as "read" but the pronunciation's different. Or how "dear" can mean "darling" or "expensive." There are lotsa examplez of this kinda thing. MayB other ppl can think of their favourites, which R prolly equally "interesting".
Anyway, April, I have a feeling that while I was e-mailing you, my lips became full and lush and my eye-makeup applied itself. I want to go look in the mirror!
Love,
Elizabeth
I still don't understand Y having a summer job lined up equals quitting from your full-time job that wda picked up in the fall. U never did that when U had a summer job lined up w/Lakeshore Landscaping.
Edit: Practice @ Becky's 2day, 4 our prom gig, starts @ 4 pm! It's gonna B Becks, Ger, Dunc, Eva, Luis, Jeremy, Zandra, an' me there!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:57 AM
16 Comments:
At 3:05 PM,
Anonymous said…
Hey, April! Well, in French class, we learned that the feminine form of the adjective meaning "dirty" is "sale", which looks like the English word "sale" for when you can buy things cheaply, or simply when something has been sold ("I made a sale", 4 ex.). There's the verb "to lead", which also looks like the "lead" from "lead poisoning". One is much worse than the other, eh?
Jeremy asked me to ask you if you're done writing about yr sis yet. I reminded him that you usually don't know how long these stories of yours will go on. Jeremy's cute when he gets impatient! (I'm feeling the urge to smirk!)
Eva
At 3:14 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your sister’s e-mail. I hate to say my sweet girl is wrong, but I don’t understand why she has to move right now. I asked for the transfer south and if I had a part in the decision, your sister would work in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) until we both had jobs in the Toronto area. Your sister does not seem to care about money and maybe you were brought up having plenty of money, so it is not a problem if you have no job. My family has struggled to pay the bills, so we do not make big moves without planning. One of the big reasons I decided to work with the Ontario Provincial Police, instead of the First Nations Police, is the OPP pays much better.
When I told my ingitiziim (parents) my sweet girl had quit her job and did not have a job past summer to go to, their words were not nice. I got the same lecture I have gotten from my ngashi (mother), since your sister refused to meet them last December in order to go on a helicopter ride with her ex-boyfriend. My ngashi (mother) speaks too generally, but she believes Southern girls gagiibaajichige (act foolishly) and make poor wiijiiwaagan (wives). I think she is still mad your sister was in White River where they live, and could not take a little time to meet my ngashi (mother). I tell my ngashi (mother) I have fallen in love with your sister and she will be worth the effort, even though it doesn’t look like that right now. My ngashi (mother) tells me I am bagandizi (stupid), but she does not really mean it.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 3:20 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, eva iz so rite 'bout me not wantin' 2 read nemore 'bout ur sis. i am so glad i didn't have her 4 a teach, when i wuz little.
az a warning, if eva asks u if u evah knew heteronyms r like cowboyz, u shud say "yes." it is not 1 of her best analogiez, & unlike me, u will not njoy lookin' @her boobz while she iz tellin' it.
At 5:36 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest friends,
I hope you will all join me in trying to cheer my little April flower up. She has been very upset after the latest communications from her foolish elder sister. I'm not quite sure I understand the problem. I tried to point out to her that, if Elizabeth returns to Milborough or one of the surrounding metropolitan areas, she will likely be the recipient of much more of Elizabeth's largesse than just a slutty red dress. For example, a slutty blue dress might be in her future, which would make me happy, as that is my favorite color. But my little April flower has not been mollified even by these most reasonable arguments.
She keeps saying things like, "I can't believe she'd leave HIM to marry HIM!!!" and "But he's so old!!!" and "Not everyone gets to date a hot Native Mountie, you know!!!" I simply do not comprehend the nature of her concerns. I wish that my attempts to comfort her had been more successful, but they have not.
Perhaps one of you girls could help. Feelings seem to be your thing.
Sincerely yours, Gerald
At 5:37 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Clearly, my punning abilities have been compromised by my spending so much time away from Milborough and our beloved, wise mother. Yet another reason I need to move closer to home! Thanks for the help!
Liz
At 6:19 PM,
Anonymous said…
That Becky, she has a real complicated bra! I swear, that thing has military-grade security. But she'z got the bodacious ta-tas, so they're worth the effort, ese.
Luis
At 6:23 PM,
April Patterson said…
it seemz like ger is v. fixated on the idea of me wearing slutty clothes. 2day, i'm wearing a cute midriff top an' capri pants, but ger keeps talkin' abt me putting on sumthin' trashy 2 help inspire his drumming. it's v. peculiar. an' during our breaks, zandra keeps suggesting that we play various songs "ironically". like she sed, "u shd end the dance w/'stairway 2 heaven', but play it ironically." i'm kinda confused abt howta do that, but dunc insists he knowz what 2 do.
apes
At 6:44 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey Liz,
Interesting, isnt it NOT, that "bore" (2 make a hole in or thru w/ a drill or other rotating tool) & "bore" (2 weary by bing dull or monotonous) r spelled the same way. U bore me. Guess which 1 I mean.
Apes, Ill post the rest of the Niagara Falls story 2morrow. I no were jamming 2gether 2day & I shld just tell u in person but I keep having nasty flashbacks even when I hear that st00pid Marineland commercial on tv. Zed thinks I have post-traumatic stress disorder.
L8r.
p.s. Ironic Stairway 2 Heaven rulez!
At 7:18 PM,
April Patterson said…
lol, zandra just suggested we sing that song "gepetto" by belly, cuz it has thoze lyrics "and if u bore me/u lose yr soul 2 me"! how cube is that?!?!?!?!
apes
At 8:26 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest April flower,
I am not obsessed, as you put it, with you wearing slutty clothes. I just think it is a shame that you conceal your pulchritude with clothing that is sometimes dowdy and unflattering. I like the clothes you have on today. They are very stylish and form-fitting, yet not in anyway "sleaze to please."
I am concerned about why you keep shouting, "HE'LL BE MY BROTHER-IN-LAW OVER MY DEAD BODY!!!" Is this one of those over/over puns like Becky is talking about?
Devotedly, Gerald
At 8:45 PM,
April Patterson said…
wha, can u blame me 4 not wanting granthony 2 join my fam, ger? u've met him, haven't u?
apes
At 9:08 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest April flower,
You were speaking of Anthony Caine? That clears up some of my confusion. I was worried that your complaints were about the fact that my brother will become your brother-in-law after our wedding. As I've told you many times before, if I could have chosen a different brother, I would have.
I am a little confused. Are Elizabeth and Anthony engaged? My understanding was that Anthony is not yet divorced. Also, I was under the impression that Anthony just got married in August 2004. Did they get married, and then immediately file the papers? I'm pretty sure a divorce takes awhile.
And isn't Elizabeth dating someone else? Someone very young and studly and handsome and virile and devoted to her? Is it a habit for Patterson women to leave suitors who are young and studly and handsome and virile and devoted to them for old decrepit married men? Because now I'm worried that you're going to end up with Jeremy Jones!
Sobbing, Gerald
At 9:13 PM,
Anonymous said…
Gerald,
Anthony got married in August of 2003. He was married almost three years before he separated from Therese. In August of 2005, he told me their marriage wasn't working and asked me to wait for him. Two years is a lot of effort to put into a marriage, you know. Anthony is a wonderful man.
Liz
At 9:26 PM,
April Patterson said…
ger, no, not a habit 4 patterson women. liz has, like, issues, but her issues r not my issues, u know?
apes
At 2:41 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, wut a pain it wuz this aftahnoon. i wuz constantly havin’ 2 deal with peeps. rebeccah & luis were runnin’ off, wenevah i had ne problemz w/the sound. eva had problemz w/the choreography; but wut she rilly had probs w/wuz zandra larson & the way zandra wuz totally makin’ sure eva knew that duncan wuz her bf. then i hadda deal w/gerald, cuz he wuz convinced u were gonna dump him 4 me, cuz of how ur sis haz been treatin’ her bf. ‘course i wuz not happy 2 watch eva play 2 duncan all day, so if u did decide 2 dump gerald, i wud…i don’t think i needta go there. neway, i wuz happ wen the rehearsal wuz ovah. & i mean ovah as in “finished” and not ovah az n “goin’ above somethin’.”
At 3:04 AM,
howard said…
April,
It was good to see all your old friends and some new ones playing together this afternoon. I tried to stay uninvolved except to pass on phone calls and to bring refreshments. Becky, I think, likes Luis, your keyboardist, and she was most insistent that her fiancé, that’s me, not hang around where Luis might hear about our engaged relationship.
After practice, Gerald stayed behind to get math tutoring, which he did desperately need. I know your boyfriend is into athletics, but I try to emphasize that universities have test score requirements that will cause problems with applicants, even if they are good in sports and have families with money. Of course, what Gerald really wanted to do was to talk about you. The one thing Gerald is good about is observing things. He noticed that Becky and Luis were very active with each other with kissing and an obviously manhandled brassiere and he wondered the obvious things like: Why are the two of you not kissing like that? Why is his hand not under your brassiere? And most importantly, since those things are not happening on a regular basis, is this an indication that your psychosexual health is modeled on that of your sister, who also seems to be very resistant to the more physical intimacies with her boyfriend? He seemed very concerned you were going to dump him for Jeremy Jones. I told him it seemed unlikely, considering the way you insulted Jeremy in your last monthly letter. Of course, Gerald pointed out that you said it was actually Jeremiah Johns, you were insulting and not Jeremy. I told him I had never heard of Jeremiah Johns, but he must be pretty bad for you to insult him. Gerald was concerned that you had never mentioned Jeremiah Johns in your monthly letters before, but he did notice that you had insulted Jeremy Jones in your monthly letters several times. He was convinced that it was some kind of affection. After all, your sister is treating a man who worships her very poorly right now, while he is convinced that your sister actually prefers the man who left her, married a Quebecois, and had a child with her. So, he was sure that dislike = affection for your sister, and thus for you too. It is hard to speak to your boyfriend when he gets like this, and particularly when he has facts about you or your sister’s behaviour I cannot contradict. I tried to tell him that he was mistaken and that Pattersons almost always married their childhood sweetheart. But then he countered with the fact that you have known Jeremy Jones longer than you have known him. After all, your brother had two childhood sweethearts and married the one he had known the longest. Also, apparently there was some incident between you and Jeremy Jones at the X-Men III movie showing, but Gerald did not want to elaborate on it. Anyway, just to get Gerald to stop rambling on about this, I told him I would share these thoughts with you. Gerald said he would do it himself, but if you are truly like your sister, you will respect an older confidant more than your boyfriend. That is why I am writing this. I just got Gerald out of the house and now I am going to bed. Please straighten this boy out.
Howard K.
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