Poor Paul!
OMG, I feel sooooooooooooooooooo bad 4 Paul! Liz, like, finally told him abt how she hasn't signed her contract 2 teach in Mtig in the next school yr. And Paul was all, "U haven't signed yr contract?" And Liz was like, "I don't know what 2 do, Paul. I miss my home so much!" Understandably enuf, Paul was all, "This is home, Elizabeth. I thot we'd live here." And wd U believe Liz was all batting her eyelashes an' asking "We?" Like this had come outta nowhere. And Paul hadta say, "U know I want 2 B w/U. I put in 4 a transfer so I cd B closer! --Please sign yr contract!" And Liz? "And then what? A yr from now I'd still want to move home." Paul wanted 2 know, "Y didn't U tell me this B4?" Gr8 question, Paul! Liz: "It's sumthing I just realized." At this point, even Shiimsa was disgusted w/Liz and jumped down from her arms. Poor Paul turned away, walking off and saying "Then, U shd talk 2 yrself more often." OMG, how true is that?!?
Poor, poor Paul! How is it that w/all this "Boohoo, I'm so hooooomesick" shizz, Lizzie hasn't stopped 4 a mo and considered that Paul wants 2 B w/her so much he PUT IN 4 A TRANSFER 2 SPRUCE NARROWS? And how has it not crossed her mind that if she'z gonna casually not sign her contract and make a decision indecisively, she hasta clue him in while he has time 2 friggin' cancel it? What was he gonna do after he hauled his arse out 2 SN, where 4 all she knowz he doesn't know a soul, only 2 have her pack up knapsack an' move back 2 Mommy an' Daddy's place, cuz she'z still nev grown up and she still thinx of the big house on Sharon Drive as "home"? Liz, U can't DO THAT 2 ppl!!!!
Ugh, sumtymez Liz just makes my head hurt, eh? I'm glad I had so much fun yesterday in TO w/Eva (Ehvva), Marjee, Howard, and his auntie and uncle, after we proved 2 Mike that the "hair curse" really exists (I can't change my hairdo--Eva, Dee, and even Merrie can't change their hairdos)! The borscht was delish, the bowling was so much fun, as were the museum, dancing, and everything else. And U R a fantastic listener, Howard! Like U say, it's good 2 have sum1 who can just listen an' not judge or make a punny comeback.
Apes
Poor, poor Paul! How is it that w/all this "Boohoo, I'm so hooooomesick" shizz, Lizzie hasn't stopped 4 a mo and considered that Paul wants 2 B w/her so much he PUT IN 4 A TRANSFER 2 SPRUCE NARROWS? And how has it not crossed her mind that if she'z gonna casually not sign her contract and make a decision indecisively, she hasta clue him in while he has time 2 friggin' cancel it? What was he gonna do after he hauled his arse out 2 SN, where 4 all she knowz he doesn't know a soul, only 2 have her pack up knapsack an' move back 2 Mommy an' Daddy's place, cuz she'z still nev grown up and she still thinx of the big house on Sharon Drive as "home"? Liz, U can't DO THAT 2 ppl!!!!
Ugh, sumtymez Liz just makes my head hurt, eh? I'm glad I had so much fun yesterday in TO w/Eva (Ehvva), Marjee, Howard, and his auntie and uncle, after we proved 2 Mike that the "hair curse" really exists (I can't change my hairdo--Eva, Dee, and even Merrie can't change their hairdos)! The borscht was delish, the bowling was so much fun, as were the museum, dancing, and everything else. And U R a fantastic listener, Howard! Like U say, it's good 2 have sum1 who can just listen an' not judge or make a punny comeback.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:02 AM
20 Comments:
At 9:48 AM,
Anonymous said…
Hey, April, and friends! After trying out that "Ehv-va" pronunciation to go with Gerald's punny name for the band, I've decided to go back to pronouncing my name "Ay-va." Like Eva Gabor and Eva Peron. FYI.
Ay-vah
At 11:24 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your sister and I thought you might want to hear my side of the story. I know you love your sister. You should support her in her plans for her life. That is what you should do. It is the right thing for you to do.
I know I love your sister. Just because she said some of things she said, doesn’t mean I don’t love her. I just don’t know how I could have misunderstood her so much. We talk on the phone at our appointed time every day. Every single day. I don’t miss a day. Every day, I tell her how much I love her, how much I am looking forward to living close to her, and what the current status is on my transfer. I think I am speaking clearly when I say these things. I know sometimes people say that men and women speak two different languages. I don’t how I failed to tell your sister that I thought she and I were going to have a life together in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). That was the whole reason for the transfer.
I was at your sister’s apartment for my usual weekend visit with your sister, and she says out of nowhere, “I haven’t signed my contract for the next season of school and I am thinking about not signing it at all and moving back home permanently.” I was completely shocked. Your sister and I talk every day, and if she has said this before, I don’t know how I could have missed it. Whenever we talked about her signing the contract before, she would tell me, “Don’t worry Paul. My heart is in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees).” To me, that doesn’t sound like someone planning to leave.
We did talk about homesickness. She said she was concerned about your ningnis (nephew) being sick and I understand he is better. She talked about how one of her friends split up with his wife, but there is not anything she can do about that. She talked about your noos (dad) and his new car, which I wouldn’t mind seeing. She talked about your ngashi (mother) and her retirement. But I couldn’t see why any of this would make some one be so homesick, they would want to quit their job, when they don’t have another job to go to. I don’t mean to be insulting to your sister, but to me, a good fishing trip is more exciting than any of those things. If I had to move some place where I couldn’t go fishing, I would get homesick. But if had to move someplace where I couldn’t see my noos (dad) buy a new car, I wouldn’t be homesick for that. Even if it is a really nice car.
I keep going over everything I have done in my mind and there are so many places where I messed up with your sister. I know I should have asked her permission before I put in for the transfer. Maybe if I had done that, she might have told me “No.” Instead I just did it, like a present to her, which she didn’t refuse. Probably she was being polite and didn’t want to tell me, “No, don’t transfer;” because she was afraid I wouldn’t love her anymore. But that’s not what would happen. I just want you to know I love your sister. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. That hasn’t changed.
Sorry to burden you with this. I hope maybe you can talk some sense into your sister. I am so confused by this whole thing. I could swear she told me last January, how she was convinced Milborough was no longer her home. How could she change this much, just from hearing about your noos (dad) buy a new car?
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 11:27 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Look at our sister, Lizardlips and learn, learn, learn. One thing you have to accept as a Patterson is that you are going to end up marrying your childhood sweetheart. It is as set in stone as your hairstyle. When my lovely Deanna moved to Burlington, I thought it wouldn’t happen for me that way, so I tried out Martha and Rhetta, but I should have known that somehow, someway, I would be together with Deanna at the end.
Our sister has been with several men now. I think she is struggling to break this simple fact of Pattersonhood, but look at the mess she is in now. When that constable said he was going to transfer his job to be closer to Liz, she should have told him right then and there, “Sorry. But I’m going to marry my childhood sweetheart. Don’t bother.” She might have been fooled by her childhood sweetheart being married and having a child with another woman, but she should have known better.
This is just to let you know that if you ever get tempted to go with some other guy than your boyfriend Gerald, it will just be a waste of time. He’s the one you’re going to marry, little sis. Fighting it will just get you into trouble, like our sister is in right now. Stick with Gerald, little sis. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 11:29 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I don’t like Gerald. He is mean. I do not care if he is your childhood sweetheart. He calls special needs people retarded and he doesn’t think we can hear him when he does it. You should not marry him. I don’t care what your hair or your brother says.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 11:49 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i know just wut ur sis’ bf iz goin’ thru. n the last year, i thot i wuz n 3 serious, like i am thinkin’ long term, relationships & all of them ended up az disasters & left me scarred, not just emotionally. & it took me 4evah 2 figger it out. it took xxplodin’ clownz 2 clue me n. so, constable wright, if ur readin’ this, then u shud b glad ur gettin’ out w/o ne actual scarrin’.
az 4 eva, i dunno wut’s goin’ w/her name pronunciation. this morning, i walking 2 skool & she corrected me like 12 tymez on howta pronounce her name, & i think all of them were different. ‘course i cud b wrong & they were all the same. i am rilly slow 2 pick thingz up. she sed she hadda gr8 tyme w/u guyz yestahday in TO & she sez she haz sum dance techniques she wants 2 try w/me @the prom. i sed, “ru askin’ me 2 go 2 the prom w/u?” she just smirked & sed, “mebbe i am & mebbe i’m not.” i looked @her boobs & i sed, “wut if i ask u2 go 2 the prom w/me, just 2 make it certain? i think we wud b a gr8 couple.” eva sed, “we? u cud ask me now or u cud ask me l8er, but i will still want 2 go 2 the prom.” i sed, “thass confuzin’. we both hafta b there, since ur singin’ & i hafta do sound, eh?” eva sed, “oh rite. sorry, i just had this feelin’ like i am supposed 2b noncommittal ‘bout stuff. u can b my prom d8, if u want.” i sed, “i want.” eva sed, “it’s so strange 2 speak str8 ‘bout stuff.” i told her i completely unnerstood that.
At 12:03 PM,
howard said…
April,
Contrary to what your brother has advised you, you should marry whom you want and not necessarily Gerald. The lesson to learn from your sister is about being passive and not discussing the things that are important to you with the person that is important to you. We talked a little about this yesterday, and I am not going to try to regurgitate the whole conversation; but the real issue with your sister appears to me to be that she probably thought Constable Paul Wright was coming on too strong and too fast, but she failed to tell him that. The man traveled across Ontario to deliver your mother’s glasses to your sister, based on how he felt about your sister’s picture. That should be a big clue the man is moving too fast. Your sister should have put the brakes on a long time ago with him, but her passive nature betrayed her. I am afraid you have some of the same characteristics as your sister. If you really plan to go do 10 years of veterinary school and establish a practice before you get married and have children, then you need to be clear about this with Gerald, before he starts making too many plans, like the constable did with your sister. And by “clear” I mean that you can get him to repeat it back to you. A lot of men are very slow to understand things. Myself included.
Howard K.
At 12:20 PM,
April Patterson said…
paul, i agree w/u abt a fishing trip b-ing more xciting than the other thingz, an' i don't even like fishing!
i've tried talking sense in2 liz, but she tellz me 2 mind my own biz.
mike, i guess it's a good thing i'm not planning on b-ing w/n1 else other than ger.
shan, i've told ger it's not cube 2 talk abt sn ppl that way. he tried changing the subj when i did, but he hasn't done it since. @ least not around me. has he done it around u? if so, i hafta yell @ him again!
jeremy, yeah, wdn't it b nice if more ppl just talked all str8-4ward?
apes
At 12:28 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, howard, u r so rite! i don't wanna go down that whole passive trail like liz. i guess ger an' need that serious talk, eh?
apes
At 12:40 PM,
howard said…
April,
Yes, a good serious talk, and be sure to get him to repeat it back to you. Your boyfriend is prone to reinterprete things.
Remember, don't say "maybe" or "perhaps". Use strong words like "I will" or "I shall" or "I want". Leave no room for ambiguity. We talked about all this yesterday, so now I am repeating myself. In light of what is happening with your sister, I think you can see how important unambiguous language is, eh?
Howard K.
At 12:45 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, sumtymez str8-4ward talk iz not best. u know if sum girl had a bf she wuz serious 'bout, it wud b bad if anothah guy sed 2 her sumthin' like "i have alwayz luvved u" evn if it wuz str8-4ward u know. if u & ur gf have diffrent ideaz 'bout where thingz r goin' then it wud b good 2b str8-4ward then.
At 12:48 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I don't see your boyfriend very much at school. He won't talk to me like you do. Most kids don't talk to me like you do. That's one of the big reasons I like you. Your boyfriend is not as mean to me as the A-girls, who call the special needs kids names to our face. But your boyfriend is not very quiet when he talks about us behind our back.
I am sorry, I don't like your boyfriend. You are the nicest girl in the school. You should be dating the nicest boy in school. That's what I think.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 12:56 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I am glad you are taking your big brother's advice on not planning on being with anyone else other than your boyfriend Gerald. If more people took my advice, the world would be a better place. Lizardlips won't take my advice. I called her up to give her some advice on how to break up with someone gracefully, you know, wait until they go on a date with someone else, just as you call them to break up. But she said a lot of unkind things to me about minding my own business. If she would just take my advice and even your advice, little sis, how much better her life would be. I afraid that she is going to completely mess up her break-up with this constable, and it will take a long time for people to like her again, like they like me, and you, too, little sis. You are very likeable. Mom and Dad have tried to paint a picture of you not being likeable for reasons I do not comprehend. After all, I would never try to do that with my children. But I would have to say that Mom and Dad are not very good painters. They should stick with the things they are good at, like trains and eating pastries. I think you are a very likeable young girl. I fear for our sister Lizardlips though. I don't know how she is going to be likeable after this week and not taking my advice and even your advice. It's like a poorly-written tragedy. I wish I could have written it. Then it would be much better.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 1:06 PM,
April Patterson said…
lol, trainz an' pastry-eatin'. yeah, i think thoze r, like, the only thingz mom an' dad r really good @!
apes
At 1:19 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your sister and the other persons who have written. I need to correct some wrong thoughts. I love your sister. We have not broken up. She is not going to Milborough to marry her childhood sweetheart. We had a conversation where we found out that there were things that we should have telling each other. That’s all. No break-up. I am in love with your sister.
I realize now that I should have been clearer. I should have said to your sister, “This job transfer means I want us to be together for a long time. To live with each other. To be married to each other. To have children with each other.” If I had said that, then I think she would have understood. I should have told her I love her more often. I know I told her when we talked on the phone every day, and when I e-mailed her and in my paper letters I mailed to her. But that was not enough and I know now it was my fault.
I hope I am being clear when I write these things. Sometimes I think I am being clear, when I am not. But, for the sake of my sweet girl, I will be clear in my speech from now on.
I am still looking forward to meeting you someday and I think you would have fun fishing. Also, your wonderful mother is bound to be good at more things than eating pastries. You have such a great sense of humour.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 2:57 PM,
howard said…
April,
I had an interesting conversation at Sugar’s hair salon today. The former Thérèse Caine came in for a shamp-Oh and a hair styling. She said, “’Oward. ‘Ave you ‘eard the news?” I said, “What news?” She said, “I weel be free of my 'usband Anthony Caine. ‘E ‘as file divorce papairs against me.” I said I had heard she was having an affaire and she had given up all rights to her child to Anthony. She said, “Sadly. That eez true. Not the affaire of course. My new lovaire is 10 times l’homme Anthony eez. Mais, I do regret mon infant. Sometimes you are forced to do things you do not want to do, n’est-ce pas vrai?” I said that was true. Then I asked, “Is that the news?” The former Thérèse Caine said, “Oui. But I ‘ave ‘eard rumours.” I said, “Rumours?” The former Thérèse Caine said, “Oui. As you may know, when I cared about my marriage, I could tell that leetle ‘omewrecker, Elizabeth Patterson, was aftaire my Anthony. I know ‘e ‘as told John Patterson of our separation. I am now counting the days before Elizabeth returns to Milborough to pursue ‘er eenterest een ‘eem. I theenk it weel be less than 3 months, possibly 2 months.” I said I understood she was now dating a nice policeman in the Northwest, who adored her. The former Thérèse Caine said, “Elizabeth does not know what l’amour eez. She eez only about conquest. She nevaire wanted to see me and Anthony be ‘appy. She only wants Anthony because she does not want ‘eem to be weeth anyone else but ‘er. Eet eez not l’amour. Eet eez about conquest. She weel drop ‘er policeman boyfriend een less than a month aftaire she finds Anthony eez single again. Mark my words. She eez very disturbed. I could nevaire convince Anthony of that. But now I do not ‘ave to.” I said, “I don’t think Elizabeth is that bad.” The former Thérèse Caine said, “Tell me why she eez not.” I said, "I think she is coming back to Milborough because she is homesick.” The former Thérèse Caine said, “’Omesick! Zat eez a good one! So she eez coming back. And een less than a month aftair she found out. Thees ees too parfait. Now everyone weel see that I was right all along. Les peuples doubted me. They told me I did not need to be so jealous. But I was right. Elizabeth Patterson ‘as been trying to steal Anthony for ovaire trois années and now she weel do eet. There eez no one to stop ‘er anymore. I am the winner. But ‘oward, I feel like a loser. My daughter weel be raised by zees selfish woman. Eet eez almost too much to bear.” I said, “I think you are getting a little carried away. Elizabeth hasn’t broken things off with her boyfriend. She’s just decided to move back to Milborough.” The former Thérèse Caine said, “I am not stupeed, ‘oward. I was nevaire jealous weethout raison. I am not wrong ‘ere either. Mark my words. Before summer eez ovaire, my former ‘usband and this ‘omewrecker weel be together as eef they waire nevaire apart.” It was frightening to hear her say it, but I have this fear that she may be right. I like your sister, but if she does this, I may lose all respect for her. If I had a guy who loved me as much Constable Paul Wright loves your sister, then that would be a dream come true for me.
Howard K.
At 3:24 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, at lunch today we had a rule. no talking 'bout ur sis. i think we all decided she iz an idiot for kicking a guy 2 the curb who luvs her. nstead, eva spent quite a bit of time telling people how 2 pronounce her name. shannon lake sed, “i…thot…u…sed…it…was…’ehh-vahhh’…like…n…forever.” eva sed, “no. like eva gabor & eva peron.” vicki sed, “who r they?” gordie sed, “i think eva peron wuz the 1st female sk8boarder 2 do an ollie off of the cn tower n TO.” eva sed, “no, u foob. eva person wuz that argentinian president’s wife who died wen she wuz young aftah robbin’ the peeps. the movie evita w/madonna wuz ‘bout her.” gordie sed, “i didn’t c that movie. the last good movie i saw wuz dogtown & the z-boyz. shannon sed, “y…did…they…call…her…evita…if…her…name…wuz…eva?” eva sed, “evita wuz her nickname.” shannon sed, “then…u…shud…call…urself…evita.” eva sed, “thass just how to pronounce my name, not who i wuz named aftah.” vicki sed, “so who wuz the othah eva?” eva sed, “eva gabor. she wuz an actress. she wuz n green acres w/eddie albert.” gordie sed, “who?” eva sed, “an old tv show.” vicki sed, “how r we gonna remember that 2 pronounce ur name?” i sed, “disney. eva gabor wuz the voice of ‘duchess’ in the aristocrats & the voice of ‘bianca’ n the rescuerz.” eva sed, “thanx jeremy. think of an anim8ed cat or mouse & u can remembah how 2 pronounce my name.” gordie sed, “wut ‘bout eva langoria? she’z hott.” vicki sed, “she’z overrated.” i sed, “wut ‘bout eva mendes?” gordie sed, “she’z not az hott az eva langoria.” eva sed, “their namez r pronounced ee-vah. it’s not the same as me.” shannon sed, “i…am…getting…confused. i…think…i…am…going…to…call…u…abuya. at…least…that…sounds…like…it…looks.” eva sed, “i don’t wanna be called by my last name.” vicki sed, “sorry, eva. we’re gonna try 2 keep up, but wen the band playz the prom az 4evah & eva, it’s gonna be hard not 2 say “forever and ever.” eva sed, “i am rilly wishin’ we had a bettah band name.” every1 else agreed w/that.
At 4:00 PM,
April Patterson said…
howard, yeah, i feel the same way abt losing respect 4 liz. i even told her that, but she thanked me 4 my "concern" an' told me 2 buzz off.
sum of the grade 11 guyz were callin' eva "uvula" an' sed it was 2 "avoid confusion". sum thoze guyz r really obnoxious! i'm having my doubts abt the band name, 2, but ger has his heart set on it. he's already added eva's name 2 his drum.
apes
At 7:55 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, gerald put the new band name on his drum, eh? i guess that xxplainz y i saw him w/a fabric marker & ur matchin’ shirts. i hadda go 2 dr. forsythe’z office 2day, so dr. f cud evalu8 eva 2c if she wuz all bettah frum wen she wuz doin’ analogiez. he asked me a lotta weird questionz ‘bout my mothah. then he asked me xxactly wut eva & i had been doin’ w/the girlz gone wild video. i told him, but it wuz kinda mbarrassin’. aftahwardz he sed, “a direct relationship between psychosexual health & age appearance n mboro.” i sed, “wut duz that mean?” dr. f sed, “jeremy jonez, ur the healthiest boy i have seen psychosexually speakin’. but of all ur classm8s i have seen, u look the oldest. i have enuff seen enuff 2 know there iz a relationship. i only wish my own boy looked az old az u do.” neway, he gave eva a clean bill of health & congratul8ed her 4 pickin’ the “most heterosexual boy n mboro” 2 do the therapy. he sed it wuz almost like a badge of honour 4 me, & i wud prolly b the 1st 1 n our class 2 die of old age. mebbe thass not so much of an honour az i thot.
At 8:25 PM,
April Patterson said…
so u'd xtend yr life if u b-came less psychosexually healthy? i wonder how u'd go abt that?
good newz abt eva, tho!
apes
At 1:05 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i dunno how 2 b-come less psychosexually healthy. if it meanz b-comin' more like gerald, then I dunno if it's worth it.
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