I Don't Want 2 TALK Abt it, U Don't Want 2 READ Abt It!
Mom an' Dad, havin' their creepee convo abt burial plots, Dad was all scheming that if they did cremation, the plots cd B shared. And then "there'd B space 4 other family memberz". I was all, "R U talking abt burial? ...That is so depressing!!!" Mom was, like, "Perhaps, but it's sumthing we shd do. Ppl plan 4 everything else, but they leave important thingz like this unresloved." I let out a big "AAGH!!" an' stomped off, saying "I DON'T WANT 2 TALK ABOUT IT!!!" I had a weird feeling I was suddenly in silhouette as I was making my exit. Then I heard Mom saying, "...And that's Y."
Doodz, I really DON'T wanna talk abt this, an' I totally know I'm not alone! If thoze uncontrollable forces R wanting me 2 write abt this next wk, I mite just hafta call in a guest blogger again, like I did B4 w/my cousin Laura and Edda Burber. But I guess we'll hafta w8 an' C.
Jeremy, I did C the article in the paper U sed 2 watch 4 in your post abt Gordie being a hero @ the moviez last nite. Wow, such dram! Gr8 goin', Gordie!
Dunc, is it true that Mike's been calling Zandra's house trying 2 convince her 'rents that Charles Wallace wd B perfect 2 portray "Michael Patterson, age 9" in the workshopping of his play?
Apes
Doodz, I really DON'T wanna talk abt this, an' I totally know I'm not alone! If thoze uncontrollable forces R wanting me 2 write abt this next wk, I mite just hafta call in a guest blogger again, like I did B4 w/my cousin Laura and Edda Burber. But I guess we'll hafta w8 an' C.
Jeremy, I did C the article in the paper U sed 2 watch 4 in your post abt Gordie being a hero @ the moviez last nite. Wow, such dram! Gr8 goin', Gordie!
Dunc, is it true that Mike's been calling Zandra's house trying 2 convince her 'rents that Charles Wallace wd B perfect 2 portray "Michael Patterson, age 9" in the workshopping of his play?
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:02 AM
19 Comments:
At 7:26 AM,
Xiamaze said…
you've been tagged.
find out what to do by visiting my blog.
At 8:07 AM,
April Patterson said…
ok, xiamaze, i'll do my weird-thingz post 2morrow.
apes
At 11:30 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Mom and Dad can plan for sharing burial plots all they want, but they are planning in vain. Great writers have special memorial tombstones done in their honour by their hometown, so people can visit the gravesite for years to come. I fully expect that when my time comes, I will have already been declared the greatest living writer the planet has ever seen, and a grave detailing my writing exploits will be put into order. Deanna and my children will be buried beside me, with words of their deeds as the children and wife of the greatest living writer the planet has ever seen. There is no way I will be sharing a discount burial plot with mom and dad. That is not happening.
If your friend Duncan knows Charles Wallace Larson to help convince him to portray "Michael Patterson, age 9" in the workshopping of my play based on my book-in-progress, that would be a big help. He has the intellectual fortitude to portray me convincingly, but he had a difficulty with the part of the script that involved menacing the neighborhood with ripe tomatoes and a lust for laughter. Charles wanted to use explosives instead and his laugh is, well, I hate to say this about a young boy, but… devilish. However, he handled my line for when my young self was dealing with the young Brad Luggsworth, “I like to hear the side of my inquisitor before I pontificate, therefore avoiding a heated debate at all costs” perfectly. Most of the other kids his age couldn’t pronounce the words. I hope your friend Duncan can help.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 12:15 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your ngashi (mother) and noos (father) talking about burial plots for them and the rest of their family. I understand why you would not want to talk about these things. For the Ojibway, many ancient burial grounds were stolen and built over by whites, or were excavated for “archeological” reasons. The Ojibway have many, many legal cases pending to have museums return things that belong to my people and also the land. It would be difficult to listen to your parents talk so freely about providing a place for you, your ninaabem (husband), your abinoojiinyag (children), or your noozhishenh (grandchildren); knowing of the injustices to the Ojibway and their burial grounds. I know it would be hard for me to listen to that conversation.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 12:16 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
My mom and dad talked to me about dying before. It’s a big worry for them because they are afraid that there will not be anyone to take care of me after they die. My brother Blair said he would do it, but my parents say he is too young to know what that means. A lot of special needs people, when they get to be old, have a lot of problems with heart disease, respiratory disease, cancer, and dementia. The average life span for someone who is special needs is a lot lower than everyone else by over 10 years lower. Mom said that back in the 1950s, a special needs person might not live much longer than 40 years old, but medicine is a lot better now. I don’t like to talk about it, because I know it means that most of my friends, like you, will probably have to see me die. I only hope that when I am close to death, you will have a fight with Becky McGuire, so you will come and visit me.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 12:17 PM,
howard said…
April,
Being gay, I have had a lot of friends die from AIDS. None, in Milborough though, now that I think about it. Milborough is such an odd place for gay people. No one dresses or acts flamboyantly, except for me it seems, and even my behaviour is subdued compared to some of the places I have been. But it is very odd that I have not met one gay person in Milborough that has contracted AIDS. It is an epidemic in the rest of the world. Not to worry though. I have been thoroughly tested, so Becky has nothing to be concerned about. But I am getting off subject.
Many of my friends that died, did not necessarily want to share a funeral plot with their parents, because they and their parents had difficulties when they were alive. So, you might want to let your parents know what your feelings are about the matter before they start hunting for these group discounts it sounds like they are after from the cemetery people. I know “Buy 1 – Get 1 Free” sounds appealing from a shopping perspective, but I don’t think it is appropriate when you are talking about funeral plots. You should tell your parents, before they make any purchases. You know your mother can be really pushy about those things, and I am pretty sure if she makes that purchase, and finds you have other plans for where you want to be buried, you might have a problem with being haunted by her ghost. Don’t tell me it won’t happen. If there is any woman I have met in Milborough that would come back and haunt her family members, it is your mom. My advice is, to avoid a haunting, you should discuss these things with your parents.
Howard K.
At 12:18 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, gordie durrocher sez sk8board magazine called him 4 an interview & they called me 2. so i talked on the fone 4 a long tyme about gordie & hiz visits 2 hospital & how he wuz the wildest sk8boarder i evah saw. they were rilly mpressed, i cud tell. eva sed they called her, but she sed wen she started comparin’ cowboyz 2 sk8boarderz & cowz 2 sk8boardz, they kinda stopped talkin’ 2 her. i guess smirkin’ duzn’t work ovah the fone. vicki simone may have sum wordz 2 say ‘bout her interview. i dunno. neway, gordie iz like rilly pumped. he sed vicki simone wuz v.v. nice 2 him last nite, & then he sed, “if u know wut i mean?” which knowin’ gordie, meanz vicki let him sk8board n that dangerous lot by her house. neway, thot u mite b innerested n sumthin’ othah than death & dyin’. ur rilly turnin’ n2 a goth girl, april. have u been hangin’ ‘round zandra & her friendz? i wud hafta admit, u wud prolly look pretty hott n all black.
At 12:20 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, what makes u think i'm interested in death an' dying? don't i keep saying i don't wanna hafta talk abt this stuff? did u, like, totally skim this morning's blog entry?
apes
At 12:31 PM,
Anne said…
My Gordie is such a hero! I never thot the sk8boarding thing would work out 4 him. Thrasher Magazine wants 2 interview him, & so does your bro 4 the Troubadour. Gordie told me Michael called him this morning & asked if he could rite about his "astounding altriusm & victorious valor n dislodging a deviant dairy product from a theatre patron's esophagus." He also offered 2 buy him lunch. Pretty nice of the Troubadour 2 spring 4 food.
Michael's 1 busy guy, w/his plays & all his writing gigs, so he should b able 2 afford a humongoid grave w/a statue n a Toronto park if that's what he wants. It'd be a bummer tho if it ended up getting vandalized like Jim Morrison's grave n Paris, but most Canadians have good manners...lol.
Vicks
At 12:41 PM,
Anne said…
Jeremy's rite, I did let Gordie sk8 on that lot near r house, but only if he wore a helmet & kneepads. U should alwayz use protection, u know? The reason it's kinda dangerous is bcause there's still a prob w/electrified rabbits around there. I don't know what draws them there. I asked my mom & she said something about "chi n the Milborough area being outta balance," whatever that means.
U would look totally cube n black, Apes! Don't take this the wrong way, but the cut-off floral halter tops & yellow shorts isn't the best look 4 u. Do u have the same prob w/ur clothes that u do w/ur hair, w/forces beyond ur control making u look a certain way? I just think we should keep trying 2 help u look stylin, no matter what. :-)
Vicks
At 12:43 PM,
April Patterson said…
oops, i sumhow managed 2 miss the posts fr. mike, paul, shannon, an' howard when i did my reply 2 jeremy b4. sorry every1!
mike, y do u keep saying yr play is based on a book u r writing, when in the monthly letter u made it sound like u r just str8-out writing a play?
Change of subject. I've started to write. Nothing major. I'm not about to release a novel to the wind - but I'm writing and it's a satisfying change from the stuff that I have to write in order to make a living.
I've started with a short play. It's based on my childhood and I'm enjoying the use of dialogue and imagining the set, the blocking, the timing and the cast.
btw, wow, i can't imagine what it's like 2 have as ginormous an ego as u, mike!!!
paul, do the folks on the irish side of yr fam ever have discussions abt this sorta stuff? an' if so, does it make the ojibway side of yr fam upset?
shannon, i'll visit u whether i fite w/becks or not, ok? i really think it's a coincidence that we had convos after i faught w/becks the other times.
howard, i can try talking 2 my mom like u recommend, but my mom gets v. v. stubborn when she'z made up her mind abt sumthing.
vicks, that's cube abt the mag. yeah, i dunno if ne1 will care enuf 2 vandalize mike's grave, lol!
apes
At 12:47 PM,
April Patterson said…
vicks, my 'rents like totally monitor which clothes i get 2 wear. sumtymez i sneak cube clothes when i shop w/friendz. i have sum cute outfits stashed @ becky's and @ eva's.
apes
At 1:38 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Oh, man, Apes, my life sux.
Arnes ovah @ my place watching the Sweden/TnT World Cup football match. I shld b watching TnT cos there my team this year but Arne & my dad r already wasted & having belching & farting contests & I dont want 2 b in the same room as them. England 1 its match this am, Ive cn Zeds grandad driving around the nabe w/ an English flag on Dr L's car. When he came by r house my dad & Arne threw sum Banks & Carlsberg empties @ him I think Arne made a direct hit cos I hurd him & my dad laffing & Arne saying hed bettah practise his dent-removing illusion.
So this is what Im doing 4 my bday weekend. Rite now Im helping my mom clean the hole house. Ive mowed the lawn & scoured the bbq & hosed down the patio & now Im going 2 vacuum & dust & babyproof my room cos I have 2 share w/ goat baby. Then my mom & I r going 2 Pearson 2 pick up aunty Perdita & uncle Alaistair & goat baby. My mom has told "Dean" that if Arne isnt gone & "Dean" isnt presentable when we get back from the airport hed bettah hire a gr8 divorce lawyer. 2nite we r having a bbq. I hope Zed can come ovah 4 the bbq but I dunno shes got her own probs.
2morrow I have 2 go 2 Niagara Falls w/ my family cos Perdita & Alaistair & goat baby havent bn there & want 2 go. I get sick just thinking abt NF. I no I still havent told u the story abt my dad & Arne, yr my best bud, Ill tell u sumday 4 sure. I hurd my mom remind aunty Perdita that its my bday 2morrow so I think they have sumthing special planned 4 me. Mayb Perditas planning on pushing me ovah the Falls, that wld b rilly special, she tried 2 kill me b4 when she pushed me in front of 1 of the bucks when the does were in heat @ the goat farm. My gran went mental on Perdita 4 doing that mayB Perditas nos abt the Falls rep as a gr8 place 2 dispose of a body.
Happy 15th 2 me. I think Xmas was bettah @ least yr mom gave me sum cube gifts when I was staying w/ u.
p.s. Yah its tru that Mike wants CW 2 play him @ age 9. Zed says CW is thinking abt it. CWs bn looking up agents in the Yellow Pages.
p.p.s. My mom says that Perditas going out on Mon nite 4 sum meet up w/ her class fr Tractor Pulling U. Mayb we cld all meet up @ Horny Ts 4 MCDunCs bl8ed bday partee?
L8r. If I live thru this.
At 3:35 PM,
April Patterson said…
aw, man, dunc, i m sorry 2 hear abt all that bad stuff going on w/u!
mon nite @ hornty t's soundz like a gd idea. i'll give u yr b-day prezzie then!
apes
At 7:14 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I really love it when people quote me to me. It is a very satisfying feeling. However, a more careful examination of our family’s monthly letters and mine in particular, will show you that I have planned to write the great Canadian novel, ever since I promised Rhetta Blum I would do it, when we were standing by Farley’s tree years ago. The play is a stepping off point to even greater material. Once my mastery of the language of my youth has been demonstrated to the world, getting someone to give me an advance on my novel will be much easier. Your brother is no dummy. After all, my incredibly funny article about my downstairs neighbours got me movie-script rewriting deals.
By the way, thank you for the compliment on my ego, although I do not think ginormous is a real word, yet. I know you cannot imagine what it is like to have an ego like mine, but, little sis, as a Patterson, that time will come. I remember when mom used to think that Lilliput’s was just a book store, but after owning it and running it for years, she realized that Lilliput’s was actually a landmark in Milborough. And I am sure you have noticed that the day doesn’t go by when dad does not tell a story about how his dental work has changed someone’s life for the better. And it cannot have escaped your notice that my daughter’s vocabulary skills far exceed that of any other girl her age. Even Lizardbreath will tell you of the remarkable changes that she has effected in that aboriginal wasteland of a place where she lives. One of these days, little sis, you are going to turn around, and come to the realization that you are a Patterson and the world is a better place because of you. When that day happens, you will know the true joy of your Patterson family heritage.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 8:33 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i dunno wut u mean ‘bout how u hafta talk ‘bout the stuff of death & dyin’. this iz ur real blog, not ur fake blog. i kinda remember a while back wen ur mom or ur dad or ur sis or ur bro wud go on sum tangent ‘bout sumthin’ & u wud make sum comment ‘bout it like how it wuz st00pid or weird, & then u wud mention othah thingz goin’ on n ur life. i know u don’t have ne control ovah ur hair, & ur ‘rents monitor ur clothez; but i saw u wearin’ a midriff-bearin’ shirt the othah day, lookin’ totally hott n it, evn if the colours were a little, u know, uglee. i remembah ur dad & mom usedta not let u wear ne thing that showed ne flesh @all. they must have stopped monitorin’ ur belly button neway. so, if u spend a week talkin’ ‘bout ur ‘rents burial planz & nothin’ else goin’ on, like rehearsalz 4 the prom gig, or studyin’ 4 upcomin’ xxamz, or ne d8s u mite have w/gerald, or how his vikin’ trainin’ iz doin’, or evn havin’ 2 work n lilliput’s 4 the new owner; then i gotta think ur interested n death & dyin’, evn if u say ur not. it’s like wen u sed rebeccah wuz stickin’ w/4evah wen it wuz v.v. obvious frum wut she wuz doin’, she wuzn’t. actionz r louder than talkin’, u know. ‘sides, ever since duncan haz been d8in’ zandra larson, he’z started wearin’ a lot more dark clothez. & u sed awhile back u were thinkin’ of goin’ goth. mebbe there’z a connection, mebbe not. i wuz just askin’. ‘sides, i agree with vicki, u wud luk cube n black.
At 9:35 PM,
April Patterson said…
nah, it's not cuz i'm interested in the topic, it's more that the dullness of it has sorta worn @ me & crushed my spirit when it comez 2 thinkin' of other stuff 2 add in. i'll try 2 b better abt adding in the other stuff, sorry.
apes
At 9:38 PM,
Anne said…
Sorry Apes, I totally didn't mean 2 dog u. I just felt I had a duty as a friend, u know? Like how I'd want u or Becks or Gordie or Jeremy 2 tell me I had lipstick on my teeth, especially when some1 was taking pictures. Speaking of which, Gordie has this pic w/me in it on his myspace page & I'm holding a bottle of Canadian Club. I don't really wanna go n2 the deets about it, but I thot I'd say sumthing first b4 ne of u saw it. Hmm...if Gordie hasn't changed his password, I could go & delete it. I think I'll do that. He'll understand.
Neway, I know ur 'rents control so many aspects of ur life, so it's kinda good that they have a new obsession, even tho it's hella creepy.
So I totally 4got to tell u all about the Thrasher interview. It didn't last long, bcause I did not understand a word of what that Joe Hammeke guy was saying. "U stoked that Gordie can frontslide bigspin boards 2 fake even @ the movies?" I was like "Definitely" to all his questions. Now I'm afraid I'll look like a complete foob when the interview's run.
Happy b-day, Dunc! We'll throw a good party 4 u soon. :)
Vicks
At 10:40 PM,
Anonymous said…
vicki, i think i have seen that pic. u cud go 2 gordie’s myspace page & delete it but, i think it haz gotten ‘round places. & not cuz of the canadian club. well, kinda cuz of the canadian club, but only cuz it iz n a bottle. it’s more cuz of wut u were wearin’ & kinda where u had the club located next 2 wut part of ur body, eh? u luk v.v. hott. if i were gordie & my gf wunted to hold a bottle of canadian club like that & have a pic took, i prolly wud put n on myspace 2, just 2 brag ‘bout how hott my gf wuz. just thinkin’ ‘bout makes me…i think i’m gonna call eva 2c if she wunts 2 smirk @me.
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