April's Real Blog

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Morbid Mom

Mom'z even bumming out Dad, and U know he can B pretty morbid himself. But the l8est Mom-being-morbid thing was she wanted 2 buy a coupla burial plots @ the Chapel Hill Cemetery, cuz they ran an ad in the paper saying they cd save $ by buying now. Dad was all, "Y in the world R U thinking abt cemetery plots?" She didn't mention Moira's comment abt Mom coming back 2 haunt her, just sed "Y not? It makes sense 2 plan 4 our future." And Dad was, like, "Can't we plan a few vacations 1st?!!" And U know he was totally implying that they plan their vacationz w/out me, as usual.

BTW, Zandra told Duncan that she heard a certain Michael Patterson had been @ her little brother Charles Wallace's school, talking 2 their principal abt workshopping a play that "requires yung actors"; working title "Adventures on Sharon Park Lane".

Paul, U mita thot fr meeting my mother 1x that she'z more horsey than bothery, but U R mistaken. Trust me, I know my mother better fr. living w/her 4 15 yrs than U do fr. her spending 1 l8 nite an' 1 morning in yr detachment. And BTW, I know it's Mtigwaki an' not Mtighooha, that was just a lil joke.

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 6:56 AM  

14 Comments:

  • At 9:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings about your ngashi (mother) talking about burial plots and cemeteries. You should know your ngashi (mother) better from living with her all your life than I do. However, you do not have my policeman’s training. When I interview a suspect and they talk about the same thing over and over again, then I know there is something to what they are talking about. Consistency is a proof of culpability. Your ngashi (mother) keeps talking about not being around and planning for her death. I think there must be something she is not telling you.

    I mentioned it to your sister and even your sister is worried, although not worried enough to call her ngashi (mother). I do not understand how my sweet girl can avoid talking to someone and then when she finds out something about that person, she feels left out. When I have my daily phone call with your sister and she puts Shiimsa on the phone, I think I am learning to talk to Shiimsa. She tells me she is looking forward to being reunited with her lover Faustus and she taunts me saying that I will never be reunited with my sweet girl again. What do cats know, anyway?

    Also, I am sorry your ngashi (mother) is dying. Please let me know if there is anything I can do.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 9:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    My mom says it would be poetic justice if your mom died because she ate some of her own cooking, preferably a chicken wrap. I didn’t know your mom was dying, but I saw her over at The Flower Cart ordering flowers for her funeral. I think she is spending a lot of money. I think it will be good party. Do you think I could be invited? I have not been to a funeral before. When is your mom supposed to die? Has she set a date? My calendar is completely open.

    Love,
    Shannon Lake

     

  • At 9:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, there’s a rumour goin’ round skool that ur mom died. i think u bettah set peeps str8. i try tellin’ them & they don’t b-lieve me. sum1 saw ur mom n a funeral home lying n a coffin. thass the story i heard.

     

  • At 9:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. What the heck is going on over there? I just got called by mom at work and she wants me to write a eulogy…for her. She wouldn’t tell me what happened; only that it makes sense to plan for her future. Unlike Lizardbreath, I try to keep up with what’s going on. Nobody even told me mom was sick. She didn’t pick up my son’s ear infection did she? Spill, little sis. I am feeling very unwriterly, not being aware of this majour change in parental lifestyle.

    I have been translating sections of my book about my life into a workshop play, to test my ear for writing youthful dialogue. And I think a principal at one of the schools in Milborough will let me mount the play there in the summer time, using children from the school to play parts. Apparently, you have heard about it, since you mentioned it in your Blog entry with the working title "Adventures on Sharon Park Lane". However, if I have to take the time to write a proper eulogy for mom, then it will throw off my playwriting schedule. Let me know what you know. If mom really is sick, then Deanna might be able to help. She is a professional pharmacist after all.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 9:34 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I understand that Anne Nichols is catering the reception after your mother’s funeral. I want you to know that I am deeply hurt. I hope that everyone there at the reception dies trying to choke down Anne’s nasty food. Just kidding. A good case of food poisoning would make me very happy though.

    Becky and I had a interesting adventure at the Milborough Seniors' Living Palace. I would tell you about it, but it seems like you are mired in stories about old people and death as it is. Maybe Becky will tell you. Tonight I get to try out the things I learned in my act at the Valhalla. Don't come. It will be awful.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 1:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Sorry to hear about your mom. Tell her I will glad to serve as a pallbearer at her funeral. The semester at University of Toronto has ended, so I have some time free until school starts again next autumn. Candace thinks your mother is just faking this death stuff to get sympathy, but sometimes she overanalyzes things. Let your sister know, if she is in town for the funeral, we would love to see her. Candace is convinced she is going to teach in Mississauga so she can rehabilitate the militant Muslim youth population there, because First Nations kids were not challenging enough. Like I said about Candace and overanalyzing.

    Rudy Dodd

     

  • At 2:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I never thought Elly Patterson would go before I did. I am over 100 now and I am still going strong over in here in Gasoline Alley. My wife Phyllis, and my son Skeezix and his wife Nina are thinking of you. We got the invitation to the funeral from your mother, and we will definitely attend and we will make sure Joel and Rufus do not come, per your mother’s request, since she didn’t want drinking at her service, and those two don’t seem to be able to help themselves. If there is anything we can do, feel free to let us know.

    Walt Wallet

     

  • At 5:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, that wuz a huge fite u had w/gerald n skool. i dunno if i have seen u that mad b4.

    u ran off b4 i cud talk 2u, but gerald sed u got mad wen he started describin’ viking burial techniques. then he got on sum tangent ‘bout how sum viking women got boat burialz & othahz got wagon burialz. & he talked ‘bout how n the poetic edda it tellz how brynhild wuz laid n a covered wagon 2b burnt on the pyre, & how afterwardz she drove the wagon 2 the underworld. then he started goin’ on ‘bout how animal sacrifices were common n viking age burials, particularly n iceland & how ur mom shud pick either edgar or dixie 2b burnt w/her.

    eva’z response wuz, “gerald, if u sed this ‘bout my mom, i woulda punched u out.” gerald sed, “but i didn’t talk 2 april on a cell fone.” eva got confuzed by that. so i sed, “i don’t think april’z mom iz gonna die ne tyme soon.” but gerald sed a 15-year-old that luks az old az i do shudn’t make thoze kinda st8ments. i hadda admit he wuz rite ‘bout that.

    i hope u & gerald work thingz out, but i hafta admit, wen gerald wuz talkin’ bout how he & thorvald wud try 2 do ur mom’z funeral n a proper viking fash & u sed, “u spend so much tyme w/thorvald now he haz adopted u az hiz godson, u shud b hiz bf,” that wuz classic. then gerald’z response ‘bout how thorvald cudn’t bear him strong viking sonz wuz evn bettah. u can count on gerald 2 make the worst response evah.

    i asked my mom ‘bout her funeral arrangements, wen i got home & she sed, “jeremy. the will n iz n the fireproof black box & u shud get enuff money outa my life nsurance policy 2 pay 4 everythin’.” i sed, “wut ‘bout funeral plots?” my mom sed, “u sure r morbid 2day. iz this ‘bout april’z mom?” i sed it wuz. my mom sed, “sum peeps wen they retire all they can think ‘bout is death. ic it n the medical biz all the tyme. usually it’s cuz wen they retire they r n rilly poor health. april’z mom haz not been takin’ care of herself 4 a long tyme, but u don’t hafta think april iz gonna b the same way, if ur innerested n her.” ‘course i sed, “mom!! it’s not cuz of likin’ april. she’z gotta bf.” mom sed, “rite. rite.” i mean i’m askin’ mom ‘bout her planz 4 the future & all she can think ‘bout iz my luv life. wut’z up w/that?

     

  • At 5:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I can’t get your mom, but she left a message with Carleen at the studio she wanted me to take the family pictures at her funeral at no charge, since I am like family to her and because she and John gave me money to start my business. First I had to explain to Carleen your mom never gave me money, but she had done that for so many other friends of Mike’s, she might be confused. Second I need to explain to your mom that I don’t do pictures for free for friends any more. The last time I did that was Mike and Dee’s wedding, and that was such a difficult shoot with everyone wanting me to “handle” Dee’s mom, so she wouldn’t be in most of the bridal pictures. I told Carleen I am never going through that again unless there is money to motivate me. Carleen completely agrees. So, if you see your mom, tell her I can give her a discount, but I don’t do freebies any more. If she wants me to keep Mira Sobinski out of her funeral pictures, I will need monetary motivation.

    Josef ‘Weed’ Weeder

     

  • At 6:09 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, peeps! my mom sent u invites 2 her funeral? what did she put on there 4 a d8, "when the grim reaper comes and gets me"? cuz if she put, like, an actual d8, i guess we r gonna hafta call the cops an' set up 1 of thoze suicide watches. how does that work? paul?

    i will tell my mom abt the "no freebeez" thing, weed.

    jeremy, ger apologized 2 me an' we r ok again. he sed, "my darling april-flower, sumtymez my deep and abiding luv 4 all thingz viking gets the better of me."

    mike, mayB u can outsource the eulogy 2 1 of yr "disgruntled" underlings @ portrait, eh?

    apes

     

  • At 6:24 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I had an interesting discussion with Dr. Ted McCaulay this evening. I told him I was upset for not being selected as the caterer for your mother’s funeral. It occurred to me that someone might want to talk with your dad about his upcoming loss, and I thought Dr. McCaulay would be a good choice, since he has worked in the same building with your dad for over 2 decades. Dr. McCaulay said, “I know you mean well, Howard, but believe me, John Patterson is such a cold fish, his entire family could be slaughtered in front of his eyes and he would make some pun about it. Can you bring me some more of that fish?” I said, “Certainly. More fish for Dr. McCaulay.”

    Then I said, “That was a pretty harsh statement. Why do you think John Patterson is so cold?” Dr. McCaulay paused and said, “Last October. I dropped in on John Patterson to talk about my mom dying. Then I got this lecture about how I was arrogant, how I was a little boy who depended too much on my mother, how I screwed up my marriage, and how what I needed was a real relationship and not a substitute for my mother. Then to top it off he said, ‘That will be five cents, please!’ like he was Lucy van Pelt, child psychiatrist. And I remember this very clearly, Howard. Then he got up and said, ‘We’ll have to talk about this another day. There are things I've been putting off (like taking the dogs out and emptying the dishwasher - you know...things the KIDS usually do).’” I said, “He didn’t! When you were trying to talk to him about your dead mother?” Dr. McCaulay said, “He did. So, if John Patterson needs emotional solace, which I seriously doubt, he can get it from someone else. Maybe those teenage boys he likes to hang around. Do you have any more of that fish?” Dr. McCaulay sounded pretty bitter. I don’t think you can count on him if you need someone to talk to your dad.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 6:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. So this funeral is real? I thought it was some kind of weird “mom planning in advance” thing, like she did when she talked about planning her retirement for 3 years before she did it. What’s wrong with mom? Is she sick? Your post seems to indicate you think she is suicidal. How long have you known she was going to try to kill herself? I am beginning to understand now why Liz complains about your e-mails dropping little hints about things, but no details.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 6:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i’m glad 2 hear gerald knowz how 2 apologize. it iz amazin’ wut a good apologizer can do. i gotta call askin’ if i wud do the sound @ur mom’z funeral 4 free. i sed no. & they didn’t tell me a tyme or d8, since u were askin’ ‘bout that. this whole idea creeps me out, & i am definitely not gonna go thru the trub, wen i know ur mom iz just tryin’ 2b cheap.

     

  • At 7:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings about your ngashi (mother) and a possible “suicide watch.” The woman I met last year is not a woman who would even think about taking her own life. She also does not meet the demographic for a “suicide watch.” Those who commit suicide are more likely than others to have a history of psychiatric illness or substance abuse, based on the Ontario Provincial Police statistics. Not only that, but women are much less likely to do this than men. In the last 10 years, only 5 female federal prison inmates have committed suicide, compared to 283 male inmates. The OPP only does “suicide watches” for people in custody, so unless your mother has broken the law, the police cannot do a “suicide watch” on her.

    I don’t think being sick and preparing for your death is an illegal act, but maybe Milborough has some local laws against it. Southerners do things very differently from the way they are done in the Northwest. In Otter Country and Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), where your sister will be living for a teeny-weeny time longer, it is not against the law there. Considering your family’s history with communication, this may be a silly suggestion, but you should consider talking to your ngashi (mother) about it.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

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