Mom sticks her potato nose in Lilliput's (already)!
K, so 4 those of U bored w/me writing abt Liz, I hafta warn U, I'm abt 2 start writing abt my MOM! I know, that's so much worse! And as usual, I don't know how many dayz I'll be writing abt her. Let's just hope really hard it'll be a short run, eh?
So, Mom got in2 1 of her busybody moodz this past wkend an' decided 2 pop in @ Lilliput's 2 "check in on the girls". She told Moira that it's "lovely" an' some1 sed, "Sum fresh paint, a few minor changez, and voila! --It's a brand-new store." Moira was all, "I hope U don't mind, we took down all the ceiling decorationz and moved the railroad display." LOL, sum of U mite remember that Moira had started plotting 2 take down thoze st00pid ceiling decorationz agez ago, way B4 the sale of the store actually happed. And she cdn't w8 2 get the choo-chooz outta her window! NEhoodlez, Mom was, like, "Lilliput's is yr store now, ladies." And then she thot, "::SIGH:: ... Sumtymez I'm sorry that I sold this place." Rite after she thot that, sum woman w/a butt even bigger than Mom's, with a lil kid screaming an' making a puddle w/his melting ice cream, went up 2 the counter 2 Moira, all, "I ordered theze books. They were torn when I got them, so I want U 2 xchange them 4 3 more." An' another kid was, like, reaching 4 Moira's elbow. Sum cartoony-looking boy w/a dirty face was grabbin' @ stuff on top of one of the low shelvez. So Mom finished her thinking w/ "...And, sumtymez not." Yeah, cuz Mom alwayz h8ed the public. "Retail wd B so much better w/out the customerz!" But no customerz, no $, eh?
Dunc, if yr mom callz yr dad "Dean", does that mean she'z mad @ him? NEway, lemme know if U wanna stay here while yr Auntie Perdita's in town w/her husband an' "goat baby".
Apes
So, Mom got in2 1 of her busybody moodz this past wkend an' decided 2 pop in @ Lilliput's 2 "check in on the girls". She told Moira that it's "lovely" an' some1 sed, "Sum fresh paint, a few minor changez, and voila! --It's a brand-new store." Moira was all, "I hope U don't mind, we took down all the ceiling decorationz and moved the railroad display." LOL, sum of U mite remember that Moira had started plotting 2 take down thoze st00pid ceiling decorationz agez ago, way B4 the sale of the store actually happed. And she cdn't w8 2 get the choo-chooz outta her window! NEhoodlez, Mom was, like, "Lilliput's is yr store now, ladies." And then she thot, "::SIGH:: ... Sumtymez I'm sorry that I sold this place." Rite after she thot that, sum woman w/a butt even bigger than Mom's, with a lil kid screaming an' making a puddle w/his melting ice cream, went up 2 the counter 2 Moira, all, "I ordered theze books. They were torn when I got them, so I want U 2 xchange them 4 3 more." An' another kid was, like, reaching 4 Moira's elbow. Sum cartoony-looking boy w/a dirty face was grabbin' @ stuff on top of one of the low shelvez. So Mom finished her thinking w/ "...And, sumtymez not." Yeah, cuz Mom alwayz h8ed the public. "Retail wd B so much better w/out the customerz!" But no customerz, no $, eh?
Dunc, if yr mom callz yr dad "Dean", does that mean she'z mad @ him? NEway, lemme know if U wanna stay here while yr Auntie Perdita's in town w/her husband an' "goat baby".
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:54 AM
10 Comments:
At 4:58 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. As a writer it is helpful to be aware of one’s surroundings. I know you are a teenager and it takes awhile before you start thinking of people other than yourself. You can take our sister for a good example of an unselfish adult. When she decided to make this move to Mississauga she was…hmmm…this is not a very good example. A better example is our mom, who took the time out of her busy retirement to spend time with my son when his ears were hurting him. She was aware that my lovely Deanna and I were having a hard time, and she reached out to help us.
So, it is with sadness that I feel the need to remind you that, contrary to what you reported, our mother does not just decide to pop in Lilliput’s to check on the girls. Mom owns the building where Lilliput’s is. She holds the mortgage. So, she is not just popping in, but she is making sure that her tenants are keeping the place up. She is protecting her investment. Mom tells me you that you are still working at Lilliput’s and knowing how mom’s mind works, she is probably planning to use you to let her know if anything goes wrong in the property. So, if you are not already aware of this, now you are.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 5:52 PM,
April Patterson said…
mom did ask me sum v. strange questionz abt whether moira and beatrice ever gnaw on phone books or 4get 2 buy coffee. mayB she'z working her way up 2 more, like, spyish questionz. but i'm not gonna spy, it's not cube!
apes
At 6:02 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
You left the computer up in the back room of Lilliput’s and I found this cute, little Blog. I hope you aren’t playing with this too much on work time, but don’t worry too much about it. I am not as strict about these things as your mom. As long as the store is being attended when people are there, I don’t mind a little relaxation during the slow times of the day. Your mother believed in that too, although my definition of the slow time of the day and hers certainly differed. Your mother was in the other day and spent a lot of time staring at our ceiling, where we removed all those stars and moons she had hanging from up there. My sincerest wish is that she was looking up there because she missed the decorations and she wasn’t looking for any holes that may occurred when we were pulling those down. I would like to think that I can trust you not to report every little mishap that we have in Lilliput’s to your mom, since she is our landlady and her visit was not entirely social. She was looking at the store awfully hard, and I really do not want to get any kind of bill for property damage. My husband and I are still recovering financially from purchasing the store. If your mother asks you to report things going on in the store, I would like to think that you will remember who was the only person who was looking out for you, when I went around your mom to get rid of that vile Kortney Krelbutz. You’re a nice girl, a good worker and you are very good at handling customer service, unlike some. I am sure we have an understanding about your work and your mom and I look forward to your continued employment at Lilliput’s.
Thanks,
Moira Kinney
At 6:41 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your ngashi (mother) visiting her old business. It sounded like she regretted leaving her old place to work at least a little bit. I hope your sister does the same thing when she gets to Mississauga and realizes how good things are for her in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). There are a few things that have happened; you might be interested in hearing. I got my transfer to Spruce Narrows. The paperwork I filed to cancel the request did not get to the Spruce Narrows authorities in time, so I received a letter telling me my transfer was approved. It was a little sad for me, because it made me think of the life I was looking forward to when your sister came back to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) after her summer break.
Also, my relatives have told me that Gary Crane made an announcement that your sister was leaving Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). My relatives have told me that even in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) where everyone knows everything about everybody; they expected your sister to make that announcement and not Gary Crane, particularly to her students. I explained to my relatives in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) that open and honest communication is not my sweet girl’s best point. They told me, “Duh!” and I am pretty sure that this is not an Ojibway word.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 6:52 PM,
April Patterson said…
moira, if my mom starts grillin' me abt the store, i'm just, like, a flighty teenager who doesn't notice nething, eh?
sorry abt havin' my blog open on the store'z computer. i swear i only checked in on it during my break. i was gonna close it, but u called that "code flappy-armz" emergency, so i got kinda distracted!
paul, omg, i'm sorry 2 hear the transfer planz got all mixed up like that!!! no lie abt liz an' the whole "open and honest" thingamajigger.
apes
At 6:59 PM,
howard said…
April,
It was such an odd day today. I was in Sugar’s hair salon, doing my usual series of shamp-Ohs, the shampoo everyone loves, when I saw your mother doing her usual daily walk by (and inspection of) Lilliput’s. Did you know we have vultures in Milborough? Turkey vultures by the look of them. Giant birds with huge wingspans. Well, there was this commotion outside and I when I went out, I saw your mother locked in battle with a turkey vulture over what appeared to be a bran muffin. Your mother was shrieking that the bran muffin was for her father and Iris, but the vulture seemed to be determined. I, frankly, was surprised to see a muffin in your mother’s hand for more than a few seconds, since she usually pops them directly into her mouth. I yelled to her, “Mrs. Patterson. Let go of the muffin.” She replied, “No. These are nice healthy recipe muffins for my dad and Iris.” Thinking as fast as a could, I ran into the Krystle Kakes & Pies, recently rechristened the Donut & Deli, and purchased a few unhealthy pastries and put them on the ground (in a sanitary container of course) at your mother’s feet. Needless to say, the temptation was too great for your mother and the turkey vulture got away with the healthy bran muffin. Your mother, mouth full of doughnut said, “Rats. And that was the last healthy bran muffin.” I said, “You mean the turkey vulture got more than one muffin from you?” Your mother said, “Don’t be silly, Howard.”
It was such an odd day.
Howard K.
At 7:03 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your response to my writings about my transfer to Spruce Narrows. I called up the detachment right after I got the letter and they said they had sent out the letter before they received my request to cancel my transfer. Then they made a few comments about how the police officer is supposed to eat the coffee cake and not the other way around. I tried to laugh, but sometimes native humour is not that funny.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 7:37 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, this day haz rilly stunk. u know how the grade 12 kids r actin’ weird & r doin’ that weird 4give everybody thing & then huggin’ & kissin’ on them. i swear wen i am grade 12, i am not gonna do that. it iz so weird. aftah 12 yearz of skool n mboro, there r peeps i will be happ never 2c again. i wuz n skool 2day walkin’ w/eva wen lorraine shoobie came up 2 me laffin’ & cryin’ & she sed, “oh jeremy. i know we have had our probs n the past, but i just wunted u2 know that i 4give u.” then she grabbed me n a bear hug & shoved her tongue down my throat. eva wuz so mad. she sed 2 lorraine, “hey, i actually worked n yrbook on basketball, not jeremy.” lorraine sed, “sorry. i’m not kissin’ girlz.” so then eva wuz xxtra mad, but she calmed down wen she sed, “it’s ok jeremy. a cowboy only punches cows, not slutty girlz.” then cindilu sera tonin came up 2 me & sed, “jeremy jones. i had hoped i wud get 2cu & 4give u. i am feelin’ v.v. happ rite now.” & the next thing u know, cindilu sera tonin gave me a bear hug & jammed her tongue down my throat 2. i wuz thinkin’ ‘bout the mouthwash n my lockah. eva sed, “lemme guess. u only kiss girlz.” cindilu sera tonin sed, “& u r?” eva sed, “eva abuya. i covered basketball on the yrbook.” cindilu sera tonin sed, “sorry. duzn’t sound familiar. i have been over the yrbook all this year & i am pretty sure that wen we took pics back @the beginning of the yr, there were are no abuya’z there.” eva sed, “the peeps runnin’ thingz 4got 2 put n my last name till recently.” cindilu sera tonin sed, “sorry. no kiss 4u. skool peeps only.” eva sed 2 me, “if ic anothah grade 12 yrbook kid come ovah 2u jeremy, i am gonna punch her out.” so then tom baddum walked up 2 us & eva sed, “now it’s my turn.” ‘course it wuzn’t. i wuz pourin’ mouthwash down my throat az eva wuz punchin’ out tom & sayin’ “jeremy jonez’ mouth iz not ur public space, man.”
then we were n the principal’z office xxplainin’ wut happed. wen we told him it wuz the grade 12 kidz, he wuz rillly sympathetic. he sed, “u may remembah some yearz ago, the kidz @r.p. boire didn’t graduate till grade 13. but there wuz this 1 girl who cudn’t seem 2 figger that out & she went a little nuts crying & huggin’ & laffin’ & making a ton of noise, wen she found out she had 1 more year n mboro. she sed, “wen i get outa mboro, i am nevah comin’ back. if i do, u will know i am completely crayzee.” eva sed, “wut happed 2 her?” the principal sed, “i think she went 2 the northwest 2 live w/the aboriginal peeps, but evah since then, the r.p. boire grade 12 kids go a little crayzee wen it gets close 2 graduation, evn tho they actually graduate, unlike that girl from yearz ago.” eva & i both thot it wuz a strange story. frum now on till the end of skool, i am keepin’ mouthwash n my lockah.
At 7:55 PM,
April Patterson said…
yeah, those grade-12erz r being weirder every day. i'll b glad when the schoolyear is safely over. now that u mention the deets of that story, it soundz like sumthing i vaguely remember abt liz fr. when i was eight yo!
apes
At 8:18 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i kinda remembah that 2. i am so glad we don't hafta go 2 grade 13, like ur sis & bro did. i shud let u know that wen eva punches a guy out & basically gets away w/it, she smirks a lot. evn more than usual. it iz gonna b v.v. difficult 2 study w/her 2nite unless she puts our study materialz somewhere near her chest.
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