55
Oh, whatevs! So, Mom's, like, totally 4gotten that she useta like being offered a senior'z discount, an' it was Connie who was all offended by the idea. But after her coffee w/Moira this past weekend, she was all, "Senior'z discount. That's the second time sum1's asked me if I qualify! ...Do I look 55?" Well, is this question cuz that's the age 4 senior discounts, or cuz she actually will B turning 55 in August and is upset about being a coupla months ahead of sked? I'm still not sure what age thoze discounts start. And second time? Second time when, that day? Not the 2nd time ever, that's 4 sure! NEway, Moira was all, "I don't know, Elly. Sum ppl R so youthful it's hard 2 tell how old they R. I'd say U were...ageless." Aw, look how cautious poor Moira was being. Notice she didn't xactly say that Mom's one of those ppl who R so youthful it's hard 2 tell how old they R. Just that sum ppl R like that, an' then she jumped 2 Mom being "ageless", which, well, what a crock! But Mom was all, "I thot U might say 'U're attractive 4 yr age.'" And Moira was all, "I wdn't dare... U mite come back 2 haunt me!" LOLOL! Mom then yelled @ her, "Moira-I'm not that OLD!" Again, whatevs. Sorry my topic is so snoozeworthy this week.
Apes
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:54 AM
14 Comments:
At 8:59 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. I don’t know about you, but sometimes I have the same fear as Moira. I sometimes have a dream that I am working in this little tiny apartment attic years from now, still trying to make enough extra money to buy a house, when mom’s ghost appears in the attic and says, “You should have bought my house after I died. Now you’ll never be able to afford a house without borrowing money from Mira Sobinski.” It is a horrifying dream. Then I have this other dream where I am in mom’s house and I have bought the house and I am working with an architect to get the hallways and rooms straightened out, so they are like a normal house and mom’s ghost appears and starts shrieking, “You changed the hallway that goes through the bedroom! I’ll haunt you forever, until you put it back.” Then I have this even weirder dream, where I am Moira Kinney and my mom’s ghost is in Lilliput’s shrieking about the missing ceiling decorations. Do you ever have dreams like that? I think it is one of the reasons I don’t sleep very much.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 9:01 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your ngashi (mother) talking about her age. I think I am confused. I thought you told me your ngashi (mother) was not near death, but this Moira seems to disagree with you. Are you trying to shield me from the truth? I have seen death and I am not afraid of it. If your ngashi (mother) is dying, you can tell me.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 9:01 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Have you ever seen a ghost? I think I have. Sometimes when I walk down the street I look behind me and see people that are all black or mainly grey. When I look really close at them, they don’t have hair on the front of their heads. Just on the back part. They look really freaky. I think they must be ghosts, because they disappear the next time I look for them. Have you seen anything like that?
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 9:04 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, it’s kinda weird, but sumtymez i have this dream like, about us b-ing married & stuff. & then ur mom iz like my mil & she keeps askin’ me how old i think she iz. it’s like a truthteller’z ultimate nitemare. i nevah can say the rite thing & not lie. i say thingz like, “u luk gud 4 ur age” or “compared 2 connie poirier u luk gr8” or “beauty iz only skin deep” or “i luk oldah than u do, & i’m only 15”. no answer evah satisfies her. wen i read ur blog entry i wuz actually shakin’ cuz it wuz so much like my dream. but the next tyme i have the dream, i’m gonna say, “i don’t know, mrs. patterson. sum peeps r so youthful it’s hard 2 tell how old they 4. i’d say u were…ageless.” it iz like a revelation. cuz b4 i wud usually wake up sayin’ “nevah marry april” ovah & ovah again till i felt bettah. ‘course it’s a silly dream, cuz we r nevah gonna get married, cuz ur n luv w/gerald. but wen ur dreamin’ u don’t have control ovah that kinda stuff. i do have 1 question tho. i thot ur mom wuz alreddy 55. izn’t that y she retired?
At 9:42 AM,
howard said…
April,
At the Valhalla, they only offer a Senior’s discount to people over 65 years old. So, if your mother wants to feel younger, she should come to see our shows there. Thorvald has a new show in mind for me. He wants me and Becky to research it at the Milborough Seniors’ Living Palace. It is called the “The Geezerhood of the Traveling Dentures.” I hope he is just trying to be funny, but I have this feeling he isn’t. By the way, does your mother wear dentures, now that she is 55? I think all the old people in the Milborough Seniors’ Living Palace wear dentures. It’s too bad they never got proper dental care when they were younger. My understanding is that with modern dentistry, many old people get to keep their teeth in their mouth. Of course, when I say “proper dental care” I am sure that your dad was not their dentist. It must have been some other dentist in Milborough.
Anyway, a florist who works at The Flower Cart flower shop came in for a shamp-Oh this morning before she opened her flower shop, and she mentioned the changes she has observed in Moira Kinney lately. She said, “Moira used to be this doormat of a woman. If you spoke too loudly, she would kind of shrink in fear, and when I say, ‘Too loudly’, it was not very loud at all. But ever since mid-April, Moira has been a changed woman. She wears short skirts; she flirts with the men who come in her shop. She is even patient with the large pinheaded women with deformed children, carrying dripping ice cream I see go in Lilliput’s on a regular basis. And she is so funny. There was a time when she used to cringe whenever anyone made any kind of joke, like she expected something to happen. I asked her once why it was she did that and all she would say was, ‘Sticky-out tongue laughing usually gives you a little saliva shower.’ It was so weird. But now, whenever she comes into the flower shop, she tells jokes and she is so happy. It’s like a personality makeover. I asked what happened and she said, ‘I bought Lilliput’s. I am the boss. No more dangling ceiling decorations that crash into people’s heads. No more worrying about whether or not we have coffee in the back room of the store. No more having to let criminals work for you, while they are stealing from you. No more teenage help who is only there because she has to be there. No more having to store and maintain personal train collections of your boss’ husband. No more catering to the children of the richest guy in town. No more having to tell my boss she is wonderful and young-looking all the time to boost her ego. And no more pastry droppings all over the store.’” I said, “That’s quite a list.” The flower shop lady said, “It is, isn’t it? You would think if her work environment was so unpleasant before, she would have left long ago. But when I asked her she said, ‘I love Lilliput’s. I have been working there since 1980. I should have bought the store when Lily put it up for sale, but I was too slow. But now I have finally made up for that mistake.’” I said, “I’m glad things are going so well for Moira. Now tell me, why do you call your store The Flower Cart when it is clearly a store and not a cart?” She said, “Well the reason is…ooh…I’ll tell you…ohh! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Honeysuckles. Rose prickles. Car…NATIONS!!!!” I never did get an answer to that question.
Howard K.
At 7:39 PM,
April Patterson said…
mike, omg, u've reminded me. i had this really vivid dream where i was, like 30 yrs old, an' i was in the hospital, cuz i'd just had my 1st baby! i was gazing in2 the baby's eyez, like totally bonding an' all, when suddenly this, like, mom-ghost appeared and yelled @ me 4 w8ing until she was dead b4 i started having children. "yr children will never know the luv of their grandmother who puts the 'grand' in 'grandma', unlike their OTHER grandmother!" gah, that dream, it was like the kinda dream that stayz w/u all day an' puts u in the worst kinda mood!
paul, moira told me that she made the "haunting" comment 2 tease my mom abt 2 things. the 1st thing is how she'z alwayz talkin' like she'z @ death's door even tho she's totally not. the second is like how she'z so naggy.
shannon, i think mboro just has, like, v. weird lite, so we see ppl in silhouette, seemingly 4 no reason!
howard, the flower-shop woman is rite, moira def seemz more confident and jokier since she'z taken over the bookstore! she'z also talkin' abt expanding the "book" aspect and de-emphasizing the "toy" and "hobby" angle a bit.
apes
At 8:01 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your response to my writings about your ngashi (mother) and her friend Moira. I am glad to know your ngashi (mother) is not dying, although if you write about it again tomorrow, I will be suspicious.
The one time I met your ngashi (mother), she had a very good sense of humour, a lot like an Ojibway. It seems like your ngashi (mother’s) friend Moira is the same way, since she teased her about becoming a ghost or being like an old horse or nag. It is not as funny as calling someone “Mooner” because their pants always need to be pulled up, but it is a nice try. It is no wonder my sweet girl used to love First Nations life so much, if she grew up with your ngashi (mother’s) friends and their teasing.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 8:34 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. What did you name your dream baby? If it was Mike or Michael then that might drive the dream ghost mom away in grandmother satisfaction, if you ever have that dream again. Just a suggestion. You could name it Weed, which I like, but that’s really a nickname or last name. Or you could just remind ghost mom that by being dead she is not spoiling her grandchildren. That’s a big thing with mom. I remember at grandpa Jim’s 85th birthday party, he made a big deal about how he had not spoiled us, thanks to mom. Or you could tell dream ghost mom that your baby is perfectly healthy. That would drive her away.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 8:35 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I don’t know how to say this, but sometimes I see you in silhouette, when I am talking to you in good light. I try not to say anything, because you are the nicest girl in school. I don’t know what you mean by weird light.
Shannon Lake
At 9:02 PM,
April Patterson said…
paul, not "nag" like an old horse, "nag" like sum1 who botherz u abt sumthing over an' over an' over an' over again till u wanna, like, crawl outta yr own skin! (no, not literally, it's an xpression!)
mike, in the dream, i don't remember naming the baby yet. i don't know if i'll have the dream again, but if i do, i'll try 2 remember thoze ideaz.
shannon, if i were in "good lite" i wdna been in silhouette. only in *weird* lite, eh?
apes
At 9:53 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
You are so right. It couldn't be good light. It has to be weird light. That makes so much sense. Thank you for explaining that to me. Sometimes people don't take the time to explain things to me. I can understand most things if people are patient. I should have known that you would take the time to do that. You're so nice.
Love,
Shannon Lake
At 9:58 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your response to my writings about your ngashi (mother) and her friend Moira talking about “nag.” Are you sure you have your definition right? “Nag” like someone who bothers you about something does not sound like a very Ojibway kind of humour. But “nag” like an old horse does. There are many old horses in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) where your sister will be living for just a tiny bit longer. I think people would understand a horse joke more than a “bother someone” joke. Don’t you agree?
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 10:04 PM,
April Patterson said…
paul, mayB folks in mtighooha wd understand a horse joke more, but that's not what moira was joking abt, sorry. mom's not horsey, she's bothery.
shan, no prob.
apes
At 10:22 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your response to my writings about your ngashi (mother). I will have to disagree with her friend Moira then. Based on my one time meeting her, I think your ngashi (mother) is more horsey than bothery.
In case you did not know this, the name of the place is Mtigwaki (Land of Trees), not Mtighooha (Laughter of Trees). It is an easy mistake. The two places are often confused. The place where your sister lives for a miniscule time longer is Mtigwaki (Land of Trees).
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
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