April's Real Blog

Friday, June 09, 2006

Dad gets in2 the morbid shopping!

Aw, geez! So when Mom an' Dad had been having the convo I told U abt yesterday, I'd been out walking the dogz, and when I came back, I asked them what they were discussing, an' Dad sed "real estate". Mom had one of thoze "D'oh" looks on her face just then. Then Dad told me that Mom had just told him the ad sed cemeter plotz were $1K apiece, and he'd been all "Whoa" and asking whether that was 4 a 4' X 6' plot or a small cremation space. Mom was thinkin 4' x 6'. Dad was saying he didn't "Want 2 go in2 the ground in a coffin", so he wondered what a smaller space wd cost. I thot 1 of the pts of cremation was 2 avoid being planted in the ground @ all.

Geez, U know, I really, really, really want this topic 2 go away!

NEway, yesterday Blogger was having major probs. I was trying to post this last nite:
omg. no1 listens 2 me!

mike, u wrote,

What’s wrong with mom? Is she sick? Your post seems to indicate you think she is suicidal. How long have you known she was going to try to kill herself? I am beginning to understand now why Liz complains about your e-mails dropping little hints about things, but no details.

i haven't "known" nething abt mom planning 2 kill herself. i just saw all theze posts fr peeps who sed they'd gotten invites fr. mom, 4 her funeral. m i the only 1 who saw thoze posts? theze ppl sounded like they were, like, clearing an actual d8 or sumthin', not, like, reacting 2 sum1 just being, like, "well, when i die, i want u 2 b @ the funeral." so what m i supposed 2 think?

paul, u keep coming back 2 the idea of mom being sick. she'z not sick. remember i posted abt how she was planning on being checked 4 every kinda cancer? well, when she did, she also had a basic physical and a buncha tests, an' the doc sed she's healthy. so can we get off this "elly's sick" thing? if u don't believe me, y don't u send her an e-mail? u can reach her @ "ellypatterson1951@yahoo.ca", k?

jeremy, who called u?
So, 2 review, Mom is healthy, she hasn't told me NEthing abt a funeral, and U all prolly know more abt this than I do, so pls stop piling up on me!!!

apes

posted by April Patterson @ 7:06 AM  

12 Comments:

  • At 9:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. I understand now. Mom and Dad have never been good about sharing information with people they think are too young to receive it. I had that same problem with mom and dad until I was married and had my first child. The sad fact of the matter is that mom and dad have apparently reached that age that old people get to, when all they can do is talk about death or how bad they feel. Grandpa Jim is one of the “talk about how bad I feel” old people, and I guess mom and dad are now the “talk about death” people. You can expect to overhear a lot of conversations about who they know that has died, and mom will probably check the obituaries every day to look for people she has known. I thought they might be older before they started doing this, but you should never expect mom and dad to do anything at a normal pace. They are Pattersons after all.

    Dee and I got an invitation to the funeral, which I guess you didn’t get. Little sis, when I was your age I would have been sneaky enough to have found one by now. You are entirely too good for your own good. The date on the funeral simply says, “September, 2007, if my daughter isn’t married by then.” I am pretty sure they are talking about Lizardbreath, since she is almost 25 years old and not married. I doubt she could be married by then. I tried to get Deanna to marry me for almost 2 years after we graduated Western. Liz’s current boyfriend would had to have already started talking marriage with Liz for her to get married by 2007. At least I have over a year to prepare a eulogy, and I can get back to working on my book.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 10:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings about your ngashi (mother) and noos (father) talking about burial plots. For the Ojibway, burial grounds are a sacred, community-owned ground. We erect wooden memorials, called dodaem-wautik (totemic staffs) as a part of a funeral ceremony. These monuments are symbols of death, reminders of the afterlife and the afterworld, and tokens of the survivors' love and respect for the departed. It is interesting your ngashi (mother) and noos (father) want to make the selection for how you will remember and honour them and have to pay so much money for a place in their own community. It makes me wonder if the poor in Milborough can be properly honoured when they die. Maybe there are no poor in Milborough. That could be the answer.

    I sent an e-mail to ellypatterson1951@yahoo.ca as you have suggested. It is clear to me that communicating is not your family’s strength. If I am to be a part of your sister’s life, I must learn to adjust to a life where I don’t know what is going on with the people I care about. It is very strange to me. In Otter County, and particularly in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) where your sister is going to live for a very small time longer, everyone knows everything about everybody. The idea that a daughter wouldn’t know when her mother is sick does not seem right, but not only it is not my responsibility to tell you but it appears to be a custom of your community to keep secrets from the young and it would improper for me to violate that custom. After all, once I get my transfer, I will be a part of that community.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 7:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, u asked me who called me? lots of peeps i guess. eva called & asked wut she shud give duncan 4 his b-day. ur dad called & asked sum weird question ‘bout if hiz body wuz underground & n the fetal position, how much space wud it take. gordie durrocher called & asked if thot if he hadda anothah sk8board accident, wud it get him outa havin’ 2 take end-of-skool examz. then vicki simone called & asked me wut i told gordie. my future sis called me and asked me if i knew an edmund gloucester who haz been goin’ 2 queen’s college. zahava and zainab called me to ask if i cud get them tix 2c the june 24th show 4 bauhaus & nin. then zahava called l8er & asked me if i cud help her & zainab do sumthin’ w/sum kidz @the community recreation centre. then zainab called evn l8er & told me that zahava wuz crayzee 2 ask me that question & i shud 4get she evah asked. then zahava called more l8er & sed zainab shud mind her own bizness. then zahava called me & asked me if i wuz officially eva’z bf & 2 tell me zainab smoked 2 much. so lotsa callz. which 1 were u innerested n?

     

  • At 8:27 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hi, jeremy, my ? abt who called wda made more sense if i cda posted it in yesterday's comments when blogger was being all malfunctiony. u had sed "they" called u an' asked if u'd do sound @ mom'z funeral 4 free. i was wondering which "they".

    mike, sept. 2007, eh? how creepee. that puts a whole lotta pressure on liz, eh? u r prolly rite that mom an' dad r just b-coming the talking-abt-death kinda odefoax, even tho they r only in their 50s.

    apes

     

  • At 8:28 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    Hi Apes, long time no type, but here I am. :-) Neway, this was the weerdest thing 2day. U know how it's warm here since it's like late spring & everything. Well, while waiting n line @ Horny Tim's I saw ur dad wearing this heavy dark blue sweater & brown corduroy pants. "Hiya Dr. Patterson!" I said when I turned around & saw him. "Why hello, my beautiful best friend's friend!" he said, trying to sound cheery but I could tell he was panting, & sweat was dripping down his temples. "Why r u dressed 4 cold weather?" I had 2 ask.

    "Well, u c, Vanessa,"--"Vicki!" I cut in w/a laugh. "Oh, yes, Vicki," he continued, "April's mother & I need 2 prepare 4 the inevitable process of aging & decay, & ultimately death. Being n a coffin is very confining, so by wearing more clothes we're trying 2 acclimate rselves 2 the lack of space. Admittedly, wearing a sweater & heavy pants n this weather is making me space out!" he sed w/a laugh as he took a sip from his iced latte. He did 1 of those sticky-outty tongue laughs, tho & ended up spraying 3 or 4 poor cashiers, who I could tell were annoyed but smiled as they prepared 4 large lattes 4 ur mom.

    Jeremy, thanx 4 talking Gordie outta staging more sk8boarding "accidents" w/Malcolm. @ the rate he's going he mite hafta repeat remedial algebra.

    Vicks

     

  • At 8:49 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Becky is out tonight with Luis, the guy who plays keyboard for your band 4-Evah and Eva. She asked me to sub for her at the Valhalla so she could go out. I have to take a trip with my parents to visit my great aunt at the early part of July, so it is a fair trade. Plus the old folks like Thorvald’s newest act for me, even though it is even more insulting than the last one I did. I am sure Becky’s told you all about it, so I won’t repeat it here.

    I did have an interesting visit with Mira Sobinski this afternoon. She stopped in Sugar’s Salon for a shamp-Oh and a trim. She seemed to be in a pretty good mood. I said, “Mrs. Sobinski. Why do you seem like you are in such a good mood.” She said, “Well. My daughter Andrea is coming to visit us, this summer. She hasn’t been to Ontario since my other daughter Deanna got married in 2001. She got pretty upset with Deanna at her wedding. Andrea has always been my rebellious daughter. When she went to university, she made a big deal about how she wasn’t going to come back home during the breaks. And she made a big deal about how she was going to pay for it herself. But she was going to law school, and so my husband Wilf and I knew better. Wilf paid for her education, but told Andrea that I didn’t know about it. I don’t think Andrea really believed him, so she eloped with her husband Jeff, just so I wouldn’t have any say in her wedding.” I said, “That seems a little petty. If my parents wanted to pay for my wedding, I would happy to let them.”

    Mira said, “Andrea was the rebellious one, but she paid the price. Deanna has a little rebel in her too. When she got married, she made a big deal in front of Andrea how the Pattersons had paid for her Romona Keveza Gown. I know Deanna was just trying to insult Wilf and me, but we paid for everything else in the wedding, so she was actually shaming the Pattersons by showing how little they actually contributed to their son’s wedding. But this is beside the point. What Deanna didn’t know she was doing was pointing out to Andrea that she had never had a wedding ceremony of any kind, and it was the direct consequence of her rebellion.” I said, “So then what happened? Was there a big fight?” Mira said, “I’m the only one in my family with the backbone for a big fight. What happened was that Andrea went back to her husband and son, Sean. And she never came back.” I said, “She might be too busy.” Mira said, “No. It’s more than that. Deanna had Merrie and Robin since then, and Andrea has never seen her niece and nephew. Not once. Rebel Andrea expected them to visit her, so she could have a visit without my being there. Deanna has mentioned it several times, but it never happened. Deanna kept on saying it was too hard to travel with two little kids. I know that this is slap in the face to Andrea who planned to only have one child.”

    Then Mira said, “So, finally, Andrea called me up and said, ‘I signed up for a workshop being held in Toronto.’ I was so excited. It was ridiculous that Andrea would be going to a legal workshop all the way in Toronto. I know it was because, finally, one of my daughters decided to break the stalemate.” I said, “It’s nice to someone can put their differences aside to make peace. Where is she coming from?”

    Mira said, “Halifax. Of course, our rebel daughter moved to Halifax, because she thought it would keep Wilf and me from visiting, but she doesn’t know me very well. I go see my grandboy Sean as often as possible. I don’t see him as often as I see my grandkids in Toronto, but a good grandmother visits as often as she can.” I said, “I suppose that’s what some people believe grandmothers should do.” Mira said, “It’s a grandmother’s duty. Otherwise she might as well buy a funeral plot and sit in it to wait and die. Besides, I know kindness and attention will win over the most rebellious of kids. Andrea is coming here, and she is staying with us in Burlington. We hope she will make up with Deanna, but you never can tell. I hope she goes to see Robin and Merrie at least. They are darling children. Of course Robin has been sick a lot lately. Thank goodness I was able to help. Deanna was using home remedies given to her by her landlady, and Elly Patterson kept talking about how much she liked rum and hot milk, or brandy with butter, honey and cream; when she was growing up. I couldn’t believe it. Robin was suffering and crying and that was what they came up with. I told Deanna that Robin needed to see a doctor, and she should use warm compresses. And my daughter said, ‘I appreciate your help, I can only take so much medical advice from someone with no training.’ I lost my temper and I finally convinced Deanna to seek actual medical help. The payoff is that she did it. Even though Deanna talks like a rebel, but I think there is a point at which she has to realize the persons she prefers to me are idiots, and her son’s health is more important than trying to be nice to them.” I said, “I am sure you are relieved she agreed to do that.” Mira said, “Deanna’s a pharmacist, so you would think it would be the first thing she would do, but she is so easily swayed by Lovey and Elly. I’m over there as often as I can be to help out and to give little Meredith some attention, since her parents are so occupied with Robin. Deanna actually thanked me for doing that once. I couldn’t believe it. It’s a big accomplishment for her to thank me for anything. It’s going to be a great summer. My girls are finally going to settle their problems. Now, how about giving an old lady a head orgasm?”

    So I did,
    Howard K.

     

  • At 8:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, oh i getcha. u were talkin’ ‘bout yestahday. the “they” wuz ur mom & dad, but mostly ur dad. 4 a guy who just dropped a load of cash 4 a new car, he sure iz cheap on funeralz. it’s prolly cuz he figgers he’z not gonna getta enjoy it, so he mite az well not spend money on it. i gotta tell u, wen i went on 1 of thoze test drivez w/ur dad 1ce, he went on & on ‘bout how he wunted 2 have hiz ashes spread on a community garden railway park, & he wunted 2 uze that small vacant piece of land near ur house 2 build 1. i guess he must figger ur mom will nevah let him do that, so he iz just tryin’ 2 cut his losses on doin’ watevah it iz she will make him do.

     

  • At 9:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    vicki, glad 2 help w/gordie. i figgered hiz body prolly cudn’t take ne more sk8boardin’ "accidents" this year, plus u alwayz get a little upset 2c him all beat up & n hospital. i ran n2 dr. patterson dressed like that & sweatin’. man, he stank. i am rilly glad i wuzn’t there w/u 2 get sprayed w/iced latte. eva & i r gonna c a sneak preview of nacho libre 2nite. eva saw n the trailer 4 the movie, he’z gonna fite a bull, so i think she may have sum thingz 2 say ‘bout cowboyz & bullz. do u & gordie wanna come?

     

  • At 9:06 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    I'll bet Dr. P reeked, but the smell of coffee beans got me n a happy place....lol.

    Thanx Jeremy, me & Gordie'll meet u & Eva @ the theatre. I'll make sure he leaves his sk8board @ home this time!

    Vicks

     

  • At 9:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    vicki, we'll cu there. also, if eva starts smirkin', don't get mad if gordie looks @her chest. it's like a magick power she haz that boyz can't resist. i promise i will look @ur chest just az often az gordie looks @eva'z chest, eh? 'course this won't b a problem 1ce the movie starts & we can't c her smirk.

    oh, i know xxactly wut u mean 'bout coffee smell. it's the best part of coffee.

     

  • At 9:22 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, my dad is soooooo mbarrassing w/the death talk!

    apes

     

  • At 2:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, gordie duroccher iz a hero. u’ll read ‘bout him 2morrow. eva & i & vicki simone & gordie were watching the sneak preview of nacho libre with jack black. eva wuz makin’ her uzual comments durin’ the movie ‘bout how cowboyz were like mexican priests, which no1 wuz followin’, wen we noticed sum1 makin’ a lotta choking noisez n fronta us. the girl sittin’ nexta the guy started screamin’ 4 help. then gordie pulled a sk8board outa hiz pocket, ollied ovah the seats & landed on toppa the guy. wen he did this, he knocked out the nacho w/cheese that wuz stuck n his throat. the guy started breathin’ again aftah gordie got off of him, & the managerz of the place stopped the movie 2 settle thingz down & find out wut wuz goin’ on. so the guy gordie saved iz sum kinda big shot & he wunted 2 make sure gordie got credit. so we w8ed till the news crew showed up & gordie re-enacted the whole thing, so they cud take pix. ‘course gordie threw n a lotta sk8board stunts he didn’t actually do wen he saved the guy, but he looked v.v. cube. it shud b n the news 2morrow & gordie hopes sk8board magazine will pick up the story. vicki simone wuz v.v. proud of gordie sk8boardin’, i think cuz he saved the guy & also cuz he didn’t end up n hospital this tyme. she definitely had the luk like gordie wuz gonna b v.v. happ 2nite. i wuz almost a little jealous, but eva smirked & her chest distracted me.

    oh, by the way, the title of the news piece iz “nacho libre @nacho libre” thass almost kinda funny.

     

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