April's Real Blog

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Mike Gets "Paid"

OMG, was NE1 watching Sunday Morning Milborough this morning? They had this totally lame segment on "Hometown Boy Makes Good", featuring my bro Michael. Bunny Bedenheimer, their correspondent, was, like, totally gushing abt "Michael Patterson, the illustrious Editor of Portrait magazine and possibly Canada's most versatile writer". But the story wasn't abt Mike's writing, it was abt how he did a repair on the porch of the building where he rents an apt. His downstairz neighbour was all pointing out that he doesn't need 2 do repairs on a rental. Then he told Mike that he cd deduct fr. his rent the cost of the materials he bought 2 do the repair. Finally, he commented that Mike must B getting sumthing outta his doing the repair, an' Mike was all, "Oh, I'll get sumthing." And when Mike showed Lovey the repair, she gave him a big hug, after which Mike told Mr. Kelpfroth, "Paid in full."

The correspondent for the show made a big deal abt how Mike xpected no "payment" other than his landlady's gratitude. And he's a credit 2 his Milborough upbringing and a big "gain" 2 the Toronto neighbourhood, neither Rosedale nor the Beaches, where he lives. Mike held up a copy of Portrait mag and plugged the play he working on abt his childhood. Soundz like he got sum major free advertising fr. all this, eh?

Well, happy birthday, Dunc! I'm sorry we don't get 2 celebr8 2day, but we'll have fun when we get 2gether @ Horny T's 2morrow evening. It's gonna B Dunc, Zandra, Ger, Becky, Luis, Eva, Jeremy, Vicks, Gordie, an' me, an' mayB sum other peeps, 2. Also, a buncha g'ups fr. my mom's creative non-fiction class R meeting there, but they'll sit separate fr. us, thankgodfully!

Oh, so sum1 called Xiamaze "tagged" me in the comments yesterday, which meanz I'm supposta tell U like six "weird factors" abt myself. Here goez:

  1. I have this bad hairdo, and it's cursed. Whenever I try 2 change it 2 a cute hairdo, it springz back in2 the bad propellor bun. Unless I do a ponytail or one braid down the back. Or unless I'm going 2 bed or showering, then I can have it down 4 a lil while.
  2. I play the guitar, both electric and acoustic, but I hafta keep the electric guitar @ my friend Dunc's house cuz my mom gave it 2 him after she ended this v. brief "good mom" thing that's 2 complicated 2 xplain here.
  3. I cda made sum pretty cube summer planz, but instead, I'm gonna keep working in my lame bookstore job (Lilliput's). @ least Mom doesn't work there NEmore.
  4. My mom luvs nothing more than pastriez.
  5. My dad luvs nothing more than model trainz.
  6. I was an "oops" kid. My brother is thirty, my sister will B 25 this summer, an' my parents occasionally 4get I xist!
I'm also supposta "tag" six other blogs, but being the polite Canadian that I am, I feel bad abt doing that. If NE bloggerz reading here wanna volunteer an' post six "weird factors" abt themselvez on their blogz, pls let us know (an' give a link 2 yr blog) in the comments!

18 Comments:

  • At 10:44 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    The call I got from my aunt Winnifred. You wouldn’t believe it. She was livid. She said, “I sent Melville out to get him to stop making that repair and he tried the rent angle, but it didn’t work. He just kept on going. Now we have to live with a porch in front of our house that has exposed nails, the wood is a different colour from the other wood on the porch, it hasn’t been sanded or stained or sealed against the elements. The worst part is that Lovey thinks it is great just because she didn’t have to pay for it, so if there is no way she will side with us in any dispute. It will be, ‘Oy. You want something? Fix your apartment yourself. I’m too busy going through your trash looking for plaster.’ She has all this time to spend taking care of our upstairs neighbours' kids when they are sick, but she doesn’t have the time to call a carpenter to do a decent job on the front porch. It’s during times like this, when it is obvious the landlady has no intent of keeping up the houses she owns, that Melville and I feel no guilt whatsoever about a little smoke and incense. The first time she snags her foot on an exposed nail or after the first rain, when those replacement boards start curling up, then maybe she won’t think Mr. Show Off In Front of Newscrew and His Landlady is so great. She was fuming.

    Howard K.

     
  • At 11:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. Congratulations. You saw my segment. A little wood and a few nails, and a call to the appropriate person, and you can’t buy that kind of publicity. I was actually surprised how well it went, but I shouldn’t have been. Deanna said to me, “Mike you need a saw and a carpenter's crowbar, and you need to resand and restain the whole porch.” I said, “Deanna, my lovely. You’re just a pharmacist. What do you know?” Deanna said, “Hey, Mr. Professional Writer, not Mr. Professional Carpenter! My dad owns a chain of hardware stores, and I grew up around them all my life. I can call my dad and get you the proper equipment for nothing, except we would have to endure a visit from my parents.” I decided that was too high a price to pay. Besides I had this leftover wood from Dad’s last train-building exercise and I knew it would work perfectly. Actually, I had some doubts. Would I be able to find wood the exact size and shape to replace the ones on the porch? Would the one on the porch be loose enough for me to rip out with my bare hands? Could I do all this work in front of my daughter without us getting injured or my getting messy-looking for the cameras? As it turned out, “Yes” was the answer to all these questions. Some people would have called it a miracle, but I knew it was because I am a Patterson and as you know we are an amazing family. The wood fit perfectly, and it was just the same colour as the wood on the porch (well close enough), and I looked marvelous after I finished. Not one wood bit in my hair anywhere. I tell you little sis, it pays to be me. And the publicity for the play and Portrait magazine to boot. You can’t beat it. I did have to hug Lovey and she smells like, well, old lady who hasn’t bathed in awhile. But that is to be expected. If she can’t keep up her apartments and she goes through the neighbours’ trash, who’s to expect her to keep up her personal hygiene? Certainly not I. Let me know the next time you need something repaired, with enough notice call in the local news of course.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 11:03 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, howard, i had no idea mike had dun that lousy a job! no wonder the news crew kinda panned over the porch area rilly fast so's u cdn't really c the area mike had worked on!

    apes

     
  • At 11:07 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    lol, mike, dad sez as much as he an' mom luv u (an' u know they totally luv u best), u r not allowed 2 do ne repairz around here!!!

    apes

     
  • At 11:21 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings about your nisayenh (brother) doing repairs and the neighbours’ complaints. Your nisayenh (brother) should be aware that under the Ontario Building Code Act, 1992, because he is a “lessee or occupant of the property who, under the terms of a lease, is required to repair and maintain the property in accordance with the standards for the maintenance and occupancy of property” then he is liable for the conditions of the repair as if he were the owner. If his neighbours want to, they can contact the Toronto Municipal Licensing & Standards (ML&S) Division activity in regard to orders issued pursuant to the Property Standards Chapter of the Toronto Municipal Code and they will send someone from the Chief Building Code Inspectors to inspect the repair to make sure it meets the standards of the ML&S. I have been reading quite a bit about Toronto-area law, in preparation for my transfer. I hope it will impress my sweet girl.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     
  • At 11:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sis. You know how Dad is about home repairs. He barely trusts me to rake leaves. I am sure you have had the same experience when he has "taught" you how to handle tools. It's a good thing I had shop in high school, eh? Did you take shop or just home ec? I think I remember something about Mom telling me you took home ec last year with a surprise package waiting to be opened, whatever that means. Sometimes, mom can be confusing with her descriptions of things. I think it is because she wants to be a professional writer like I am. She'll always be Mom to me.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 11:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Did I read your brother's post right? You talked to your mom about me when we took home ec together? You are so nice. Other kids don’t talk about me with their mom. Most other kids don’t even talk to their mom. You are the best. I think I need to write something in my April diary now.

    Love,
    Shannon Lake

     
  • At 11:45 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, i've taken both home ec an' shop. my shop teacher had a laff @ sum of the stuff i told him abt the way dad does repairz.

    shan, really, no need 2 write stuff like that in a special "april" diary!

    paul, good stuff 2 know abt toronto law.

    apes

     
  • At 11:47 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    advance!

     
  • At 3:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Please ask your big bro to stop calling me up and telling me that Lovey gives the "world's best old-lady hugs"! It's downright creepy!

    Weed

     
  • At 3:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hey, April! I'm with Jeremy at Horny T's. He asked me to get together with him and smirk. So I put on my favourite low-cut top and flexed my smirking muscles. If you and Gerald feeling like hangin', man, feel free to join us!

    Eva

     
  • At 3:24 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    k, eva, i just got off the phone w/ger. we'll meet u there in abt 10 mins, eh?

    apes

     
  • At 6:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, my neck iz so sore. i think gerald feelz the same way. don’t get me wrong, but it’s gonna b a long tyme b4 i am gonna wanna look @ne girl’s chest who izn’t like ovah 2 metres tall, so i don’t hafta look down 2c them. i know gerald sed it wud b rilly cube 4 eva 2 teach u her smirkin’ skillz, but i am pretty sure he iz regrettin’ it now. pleeze don’t ask me wut i wuz thinkin’ ‘bout wen u & eva were practicin’. i dunno if u wanna hear the truth. let’s just say i am v.v. sure i am str8, & i am v.v. sure i know wut my limits r, az far az keepin’ myself frum attackin’ a girl or girls n u & eva’z case. 1 thing 4 sure iz that the pic of vicki simone & the canadian club iz outa my mind. neway, i am @home now with sumthin’ rilly cold on my neck & sumthin’ rilly, rilly cold on anothah part of my body.

     
  • At 6:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    You said I shouldn't write about how you talked about me to your mom in my "April" diary. I don't where else to put it. It wouldn't make sense to put it in my "How to Put Becky McGuire on a Roket" diary. Where do you think it should go?

    Love,
    Shannon Lake

     
  • At 6:52 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    shannon, u sed u have a regular diary 4 ordinary, everyday stuff. can't u just use that?

    apes

     
  • At 7:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    You are obviously not special needs. Everything has to have its place or you can't find where it is. I can't find where it is, anyway. You probably could.

    The ordinary, everyday stuff diary has things like, "Put on zit cream. Washed face. Vacuumed house. Walked dogs. Ate a chicken wrap. Took out trash before trash truck got there. You know." Things so boring that no one would ever want to hear about them.

    Love,
    Shannon Lake

     
  • At 7:55 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hm, well, 2 me, "april patterson told her mom i'm in her home-ec class" soundz like sumthin' that wd fit rite in2 yr ordinary, everyday stuff diary, lol!

    apes

     
  • At 9:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Well of course. I am sure even Mother Teresa thought her life was ordinary, everyday stuff. But everyone else thought she was great. It depends on your perspective.

    Love,
    Shannon Lake

     

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